NNNNNNrspp NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN@`  @`! #@%`')+-/1 3@5`79;=?A C@E`GIKMOQ S@U`WY[]_a c@e`gikmoq s@u`wy} @` @ ` @ ` @ ` @ ` ǀ ɠ @ ` ׀ ٠  @` @`!Aa   !Aa!!#A%a')+-/1!3A5a79;=?A!CAEaGIKMOQ!SAUaWY[@`  @`! #@%`')+-/1 3@5`79;=?A C@E`GIKMOQ S@U`WY[]_a c@e`gikmoq s@u`wy} @` @ ` @ ` @ ` @ ` ǀ ɠ @ ` ׀ ٠  @` @`!Aa   !Aa!!#A%a')+-/1!3A5a79;=?A!CAEaGIKMOQ!SAUaWY[NUTWORKS01 t 3NUTWORKS02 t €NUTWORKS03 t 0NUTWORKS05 dt {WlNUTWORKS04 t NUTWORKS06 t 7NUTWORKS07 t NUTWORKS08 Vt NUTWORKS09 t > xLEES DITt ]}CN_XXX DOCt ^HWt t ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ *** *** *** Vol. 1 January, 1985 Issue001 *** *** Num. 1 *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those *** *** Who Teeter on the Precipice of Insanity *** *** *** ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ == A B r i e f E d i t o r i a l == As was mentioned in a previous correspondance, "NutWorks" is a collection of essays, jokes, and other absolutely knee-slapping things. An attempt is made to find original works, but some things may appear that are either older than Moses's toes, or have flashed across every terminal from here to Barsoom. Repetition is very very good; maybe you'll like them better this time around. Some of the articles located herein are unsigned in that I have little or no idea who wrote them. If you wrote something that gets printed here, one would think you'd be happier about it than if you were relaxing comfortably at poolside under the shade of Dolly Pardon's rib cage. But if you really don't like the fact that I used your work, everyone will think you're a mindless jerk and never speak to you again. Although it is not intended that the contents of "NutWorks" deal strictly with computer related themes, it is inevitable that most of the featured articles will, indeed, be computer related, for blatantly obvious reasons. The rest, of course, will deal with sex. BB ============== Sing this one to Michael Jackson's "Beat it" You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead, Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed, The system just crashed, but don't lose your head, Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT. Better think fast, better do what you can, Read the manual or call your system man, Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan, So BOOT IT, Get the system manager to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Even though you'd rather shoot it. Don't be upset, it's only some glitch. All that you do is flip a little switch. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Get right down and restitute it. Don't get excited, all is not lost. CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it... You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two, The system says your jobs at the head of the queue, Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT. You always get so worried when the system runs slow, And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know) So BOOT IT, Call the local guru to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Go ahead re-institute it. If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf, But if you are, it'll do it itself. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Then go find the guy who screwed it! Operating systems are built to bounce back, Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack. BOOT IT! BOOT IT! ============== ** ****** ******** ******** ****** ***** **** ** ****** ******** ******** ****** ****** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ** ** ***** ****** ***** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ****** ****** ** ** ****** ** ** *** ** ** ****** ****** ** ** ****** ** ** **** ______________________________________________________________________ Interdepartmental Memo From: Letters Department To: Editorial Staff Re: 'LETTERS' Column in Issue #1. To the Editors: I regret to inform you that there won't be much of a letters column in the first issue. See, us fellas down here in the letters department, well, we're all kind of new at this whole business, and we're sorta having a little trouble with the actual formatting of the column. Jeff was designing a really nice layout for the column before he was exiled to Saskatchewan for that kiddy-porno thing. And then I put a nice piece together, but it got eaten by the VAX. Philippe thought it would be nice to use some pastel stripes, with rainbows, flowers and birds, so we spit on him and teased him about his eye-makeup. Clyde had an idea to make up our own letters, funny ones, and throw the real letters out, which is what he did, so now we don't have any. So you can plainly see that we had no choice but to 'borrow' some letters from, as they say,'another magazine' in order to make the deadline. Here they are: Dear Sirs: I'd like to share with your readers an experience that I was recently fortunate to be part of. I'm a well-figured gal (36-22-34), with hazel eyes and blonde hair that hangs down to my rear. First of all, let me say that I'd never do anything to destroy my wonderful marriage of three years to my husband whom I'll call Zachary. But the honest, devoted little wife in me was quickly replaced by a hungry, crazed tigress when I encountered Hank (not his real name). I first met Hank at a vegetable & fruit store where I used to shop. He worked in the cucumber section. From the minute I first laid my eyes on him I knew that I'd want him to *********************************************************************** *********** OUTPUT TERMINATED BY OPERATOR ************ *********************************************************************** ============== Amazingly Mind-bogglingly Stupid Question #74932: "Is there a Roman numeral for zero?" ============== A Few Really Neat Things to do to New CMS Users that Will Cause Them to Have a Lousy Day: -- Tell them you've written a program that sends no-header messages (which really doesn't) and then instruct them to use it to tell the operator to eat shit. -- When they're away from their terminal talking to a consultant, spool their virtual printer ROUTE WEIZMANN. -- Throw up on them. (This one's a given). -- Say to them "You know, if you don't Flingle that Megablum of yours, you'll soon be without a virtual Quontis," and then leave the room. -- Tell them to be sure to put "IPL" commands in their Profile. -- When they're away from their terminal waiting for a Pascal printout, send a mail file to their Professor saying that his lousy class sucks the big wongo and (if you have time) that he himself isn't fit to lick the dust off of a Timex Sinclair. -- Tell them to be sure to set several PF Keys to "CP LOGOFF" (in case of emergencies, don'tcha know). -- Tell them that the Senior Job Controller just loves to joke around about his intestinal problems, and supply them with a good one-liner to send to him. -- When they are away from their terminal trying to figure out why their Pascal printout ended up somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, type the following: "NUCXLOAD VMFCLEAR (ENDCMD" (This causes a clear-screen command to be issued upon every Carriage Return. heh-heh) ============== And Now, Another Not-So Famous Historical Quote, For Your Reading Pleasure: "Don't fire 'till you see the backs of their heads!" ...orders given by Union General Sherman Tanque at the Battle of Cowards Creek, just before the most alarmingly humiliating defeat ever experienced by any army anywhere. ============== Special Science Feature: All-Purpose METRIC Conversion Table. This chart will help to convert almost anything from the old system of measurement to the new. To convert back, simply stand on your head when using this chart. 1 inch = 2.4 centimeters 1 snail eater = 7.3 snail liters 1 pack + 1 liter = 1 liter of the pack 5 parking meters = 8.2 parking centimeters 10 cents = 1 dime 50,000 decibels = 1 Twisted Sister concert Cost of 1 ear operation = Mega-bucks (see last entry) 1 Tidal Wave = 47.92 Microwaves 64 kilobytes = Next to nothing ============== Here you have it folks, the original... Documentation Sex Quiz 1. What are the fallopian tubes? a. Bicycle tires b. A subway in Italy c. All of the above 2. What is a urethra? a. A female black singer b. The opposite of myrethra c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth 3. What is an ovary? a. A book written by Flaubert b. A passing grade at school c. A famous WWII song 4. What is fellatio? a. A person who collects stamps b. Mr. Hornblower's first name c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy 5. What is a testicle? a. A test to see if you're ticklish b. One of the two parts of the Bible c. An octopus' arm 6. What is cunnilingus? a. A form of pasta b. The language of love c. An Irish airline 7. What is a gonad? a. A cheer for NAD high school b. A person who wanders from place to place c. A Moody Blues song 8. What is a vulva? a. A Swedish car b. The punching bag in your throat c. An engine part 9. What is a seminal vesicle? a. An indian boat b. A priest's retreat c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries 12. What is a penis? a. A salty snack you have with beer b. A Charles Shultz comic strip c. Liberace Boner Question: What is an Anus? a. Part of a famous black comedy team b. A planet--home of Superman c. A herbaceous plant Answers to these and many more thoroughly disgusting questions may, or may not appear in a future issue. ============== Coming Next Month In NutWorks: ------------------------ ** Will Florida sink into the Atlantic Ocean During Spring Break? Expert Geologist reveals all! ** Words That Have No Definition: What Do They Mean? ** How to Get an 'A' in Advanced Operations Analysis Without Losing Your Virginity! ** The Pains and Strains of Systems Management: Former Sys. Man. tells it like it is! ** Moment of Terror: 'I was taken aboard a flying saucer from Mars, impregnated, forced to perform unspeakable things with Bigfoot, found my husband had been attacked by a killer lobster, gave birth to snake-like, siamese twins with three eyes each, and won the lottery all in one day!' Exclusive interview!!! =**= Next issue promices to be longer and utterly fascinating, sent in mid-February. Send comments and contributions to BRENT@MAINE NutWorks Magazine Issu#1, Vol. 1. January 1985 *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those *** *** Who Think Reality is Something to be Avoided *** *** *** *** ================ *** *** *** *** *** *** February, 1985. Issue002, (Volume I, Number 2). NutWorks is *** *** distributed monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual *** *** Editor and Publisher. *** *** *** *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** Insanity, Fatigue, Divine Inspiration, and the Forced Removal of One's Own Hair -------------------------------------------------- On the whole, things are going nicely. This is the second issue of NutWorks, the magazine that has been hailed as the greatest thing since the invention of rope, and it too is doing quite well. The subscription list numbers 58 at present and, thanks to the many wonders of modern technology, it can safely be said that the sun never sets on the readers of NutWorks. Yes, friends, we're now an institution, which is quite suitable considering that an institution is precisely where many of us should indeed be placed. It's a small wonder that NutWorks has been selected by leading social scientists as "the one entity that will likely represent the most significant output of mankind during his Earthly History". There are times, however, when the whole thing becomes just a tad tedious. Between constantly updating the mailing list, writing English papers, transforming the unending monotonous drollery of my COS220 professor into a working Pascal program, occasionally going to class, and working twelve hours a week, all the while bumming food off of my friends and trying to have sex with this girl I know, I am quickly going out of my mind, and for some reason I find myself watching shows like "Three's Company" a lot. Well, such is life. But I'm sure you'll understand why this issue is made up almost entirely of other people's work. Thanks (and big ones) to Jim (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Reed (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Roman (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Marissa (xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx), Gary (xxxxxxxx@xxxxx), and Todd (xxxxxxx@xxxxx). BB =============== Editor's Note: Being an op, I can relate to this. Send contributions for the following column to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The following article is written in honor of all Operators and Consultants who have to deal with unusual questions from, to say the least, unusual people, each day they go to work! I have received Lots of help and lots of people deserve credit. The most important person for this first column is Larry Ruch (xxxxxx xx xxxxxxx). He sent me a file containing this type of "humor" and I want to share it with you. Transcribed from the Operators Logbook: (or, Sad But True Stories!) QUESTION OF THE MORING : Is there a computer in here?? You got it another 100 student! What will they teach them next! WHOSE TO BLAME? QUESTION: "My job was deleted by "HASP", Where is HASP? Apparently she wanted to ask HASP why he deleted her job. U KNOW WHO YOU ARE! QUESTION: a program for CS105 printed "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" where my output should have printed; Should I just run it again?? ANSWER : Sure if you want! QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: What does JOB TIME EXCEEDED mean? RUNNER UP: What's a SUBROUTINE? (hell it is only the 11th week of classes. Why should anyone know what a subroutine is?) DUMBEST QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: My job hasn't come out yet. It has been a long time. Could you find it? (on the surface this isn't very humorous or dumb but the astute oparator (that's me) checked on her job ("SAMPLE" -- catchy name, huh?). And it wasn't found in the system. Turning around I found that the mysteriously missing output had been sitting on the printer for "a long time". She was in 105. Maybe she will be a great future buisness leader! I am worried about our economy now.... USER'S FAVORITE COMMAND: Come fix the printer! It's not printing my job. The person before me got his, but mines not coming out. I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard something like that... If I did I would probably be rich and not have to work here for a LONG LONG time! WHAT ARE THEY FOR THEN: Get ready for this one --- Someone tried to run a rubberband through the card reader -- obviously skipping for Job card, but an engineer had to come out and operate. Don't they teach students to take the rubber band off first? ONE FOR THE ROAD: It was 11:45 and closing time at 12 and a bright CS105 student came up and asked why his program wasn't working? the error was "FORMAT ERROR ON CONTROL CARD: INVALID CHARACTERS IN FIELD". He was just trying to do like his TA said He documented each of his data cards, on each card after the data was written : DATA CARD 1 DATA CARD 2 . . . *SIGH* Author's Comments: Well that ends my first column. It's rather short, but it will get longer. I also want to thank people from UCF1VM for thier input. Suggestions from anyone and everyone will be welcome. It is nice to know that users accross the country do dumb things too. ================ Big-time Philosophical Theory Provided as a Treat for Thinkers: "Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once." --John Parthum, A Deep User. ================ A Joke (and a distastefull one at that) ----------------------------------------- There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again. "Hey, brother, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again. "Hey . . . " she says. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it." "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad." "I know," said her brother. "Mom told me." (I warned you. heh heh) ================= Received: from xxxxxx by xxxxx id xxxx; xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx:xx xxx Date: xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx xxx From: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx Subject: letter to the editor To: BRENT@MAINE dear editor: i have just finished reading ISSU#1, Vol 1 (what's the difference?) of the newest, nuttiest, virtual magazine 2 hit the readers, NUTWORKS, & i readily admit 2 issuing a few guffaws & chortles (yes, karl, i stole it) tho i must confess that the "documentation sex quiz" did raise my eyebrows 2 the point where they nearly flew off my face. i think the title NUTWORKS is grate but, guys, change the spelling--it pains me 2 type KS where an X will adequately impart the necessary fonix 2 achieve the proper sound...& here is my written permisssion allowing u 2 usurp my shorthand...speaking of my shorthand, can i lodge a few complaints here??? c'mon, all u copyrite in-fringers--gimme a brake!! u all agree 2 pay the royalties i demand but have i yet seen a virtual red cent in my rdr??? u guilty CHATters no who i mean!! & while i m speaking of CHAT, all u nukers or bombers (or whatever the appropriate lingo mite b 2 describe u) gimme a brake!!! i travel@300 baud! those things piss me off & lotsa u out there can attest 2 that (heheh). have some consideration folx! almost as bad as those r CHATters who start yawn-ing & snoring on the channel!!! that's insulting & u can more easily relieve your bordom by typing CHAT /change et al. now that CHAT has resumed it's regular (as opposed 2 irregular) schedule, u mite want 2 try some other chatting facilities. billy@bmacadm, run by cuny, is open 24 hours a day (when & if cuny is running). FORUM (also sponsored by cuny types & written by quite a talented cuny type who wood probably nolog my id if i revealed his) is now available. 4um (typical of me) is faster than any other system i have been on but is unreleased & still in test stages (at this writing) & u should b wary of hidden commands within the exec such as ERASE * * (only kidding, steve). but not 2 worry anway--there is always vmbackup....unless, of course, u r at a certain node best left unmentioned.... anyway, editor, keep up the good work. u will shirley hear from me again but not if u insist on calling me shirley!!! looking 4ward 2 the next exciting issu, regards, marissa something many ids @ cunyvm Note: The preceding letter was placed here because it is hilarious. It should be pointed out, however, that NutWorks is spelled the way it is--including the capital 'W'--for reasons that are much to complex and euphoric to right now relate. ==================== Editor's Note: The statements in the following ad parody do not neccesarily reflect the views of the NutWorks staff. Uh...yeah. Hi there, this is Jimmy the Grope of the IRS. I am the president of of the local chapter of the IRSG (Internal Relaxation Service Group) Now, I am here to introduce to you the fastest growing way of enjoy- ing yourself, along with others. We here at IRSG think that the weekend is by far the best time to relax. Everyine needs relaxation. YOU need relaxation. C'mon! Live it up! PARTY!! Forget the homework and the lectures. Relax your Brain. Give it a break! Just think of your brain as being like a small computer system...and Boot it!! Now, the IRSG can help you get started on your R and R ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! That's right I said FREE!!! And believe me, we're just aching to help out. I know your saying to yourself, "But Jimmy, how can you help me have a good time?" Well let me assure you that with the stuff I've got, you'll never ask that question again. All you'll want to know is where you can get more! Because we do away with the middle-man, we are prepared to offer you our relaxation starter kit and all you have to do to receive it is dial our toll-free number, 1-800-GET-HIGH. Believe me, you won't be sorry. Hey! You can trust Uncle Jimmy! Just tell me your name, address, phone number, and the names of your loved ones and I'll send you your very own relaxation starter kit containing all sorts of magical things! We can't say just what those things are in this add, but let me tell you, you won't be sorry! AND, if you decide to join our nationwide club before HIGH noon, we'll send you an extra suprise package! This special gift has a street value of over 50 dollars. Yours just for joining our HIGHly acclaimed club. You'll truly enjoy this wonderfull suprise, you have my word as a salesman. But if you don't enjoy your membership in our club, you can decline your enrollment, and keep the extra suprise as a gift. "How can I do it?" you ask? Well, certain South American individuals would have old Jimmy's head if he told you. But I will say that you're the one who's getting the deal here!! So act now! Give me a call. And help yourself to my generosity... ...for life. Operators are now waiting to take your call. Just dail 1-800-GET-HIGH that's 1-800-GET-HIGH, and relax. ==================== | The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on | July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance | forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident | details in as few words as possible. Such instances | of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency | can be highly entertaining. | | ---------------------------------------------------- | | | 1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and | collided with a tree I don't have. | | 2. The other car collided with mine without giving | warning of its intent. | | 3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the | other way. | | 4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a | telephone pole. | | 5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was | on my way home. As I reached an intersection, | a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I | did not see the other car. | | 6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell | asleep at the wheel and had an accident. | | 7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end | trouble when my universal joint gave way | causing me to have an accident. | | 8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the | other vehicle. | | 9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly | appeared in a place where no sign had ever | appeared before, I was unable to stop in time | to avoid the accident. | | 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon | removing my hair, I found that I had a | fractured skull. | | 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it | to the other side of the road when I struck | him. | | 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as | he bounced off the hood of my car. | | 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little | guy in a small car with a big mouth. | | 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, | and was later found in a ditch by some stray | cows. | | 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. | | 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it | was up when I put my head through it. | | 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, | I struck the pedestrian. | | 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a | number of times before I hit him. (Number 18 gets my vote -- BB) | | 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so | I ran over him. | | 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my | car and vanished. | | 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my | wife's face. | | 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced | at my mother-in-law, and headed over the | embankment. | ==================== The following is a copy of some correspondance which took place between one of our editors and a Mr. Lewis Carroll: Dear Mr. Carroll, The publisher has referred to me your latest work, a poem called "Jabberwocky," for editing. "Jabberwocky" seems rife with misspellings and typos; I assumed that these were unintentional and the fault of your typist. Fortunately, we have recently purchased PROFS (Professional Office Systems), a new IBM package that includes a sophisticated proofreader and spelling checker. This program is able to guess quite accurately as to what the misspelled word may actually be. PROFS also offers synonyms and alternatives for words, and it can note redundant, awkward or wordy phrases. I have run "Jabberwocky" through this program. Granted, your obvious intent is to produce a work of fantasy, so I've taken some of your proper nouns to be creations of your imagination. Certain words, however, weren't clear. For example, the first line of your original text read: "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves." The only words recognized by the PROFS proofreader were "and the." When I hit a key marked "aid," I get a list of what PROFS construes to be possible spellings of a flagged word. With "slithy," PROFS came up with slithery, slimy, slither, slimly, silty, slinky, and slight. Your typist must have inadvertently dropped the "er" from "slithery" and come up with the nonsense "slithy." Of course, I fixed the word to say "slithery." And so it goes. I continued to make repairs as I deemed fit. But Mr. Carroll, the mistakes were not always clear. For example, in the first verse your text read: "All mimsy were the borogoves." The computer thought that you had meant to say: "All misty were the bongoes," but bongoes is a far shot from borogoves. What did you mean by borogoves? In the second verse, you warn to "shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" "Frumious" is obviously a misspelling of "furious"; however, I have no idea as to just what a Bandersnatch might be. Our computer has suggested "Ballerinas," but I suspect that you had something better in mind. Mr. Carroll, I've edited many fantasies, so I must warn you that I am familiar with all forms of sword, be they elfish, dwarfish or otherwise. I have already heard of the "vorpal sword" you mentioned in verse three. It seems to have gained popularity among role-playing game enthusiasts,(1) but I'm not sure its reference is appropriate here. The computer certainly doesn't have "vorpal" in its memory, so I'm not sure that the public would appreciate your using the word. I have let the computer substitute "verbal" for "vorpal," and I believe that you will find the result has a nice ring to it. Some of the other gems that your secretary came up with include an "uffish" thought, "whiffling" when you certainly meant "waffling," and some sort of wood. She called it a "tulgey wood." Again the computer came through: Did you mean "turkey wood?" Admittedly, the computer had quite a time with "turkey wood"; it insisted that it should have been "turkey would." But that would have been nonsense. A good editor shouldn't be afraid to override a computer. When I first saw the word "chortled" I was sure that you had made it up!(2) The computer didn't flag it as being misspelled, but it couldn't offer any synonyms for it either. On looking it up, I was amused to discover that it was meant to be a cross between a chuckle and a snort. How clever of you to find it! Well, enough criticism. I'm sure your poem is salvageable. It's a pity, though, that even "cleaned up" this poem would be far too difficult for children to read. One function of the PROFS proofreader is to check the comprehension level of a word. I'm afraid that some of the words you use are level 16, i.e., a person would have to be a graduate student or better to understand the word. That's too bad, because there's quite a market for children's verse. Anyway, I've underlined the unrecognizable words in your original and I'm returning it to you. I've also enclosed the result of my collaboration with the computer; I believe that you will find the corrected version to be pleasing, understandable and in keeping with your reputation. Let me know what you think. I hope you understand that there are few publishers out there who care to take the time to work with promising authors. Yours truly, xxxxx xxxxxx -------------------- (1) To "Dungeons and Dragons" players, a "vorpal sword" has the power to sever limbs when the player rolls 18 or higher. The word is a Carroll creation. (2) "Chortle," a word coined by Carroll, has worked its way into standard dictionaries. JABBERWOCKY 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves ----- ------- ------ ----- Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: ---- ------ ---- All mimsy were the borogoves, ----- --------- And the mome raths outgrabe. ---- ----- -------- "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! ---------- The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun ------ The frumious Bandersnatch!" -------- ------------ He took his vorpal sword in hand: ------ Long time the manxome foe he sought -- ------- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, ------ And stood awhile in thought And, as in uffish thought he stood, ------ The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, ---------- Came wiffling through the tulgey wood, -------- ------ And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! ------ He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. ---------- "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? ---- Come to my arms, my beamish boy! ------- O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" -------- ------- ------ He chortled in his joy. 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves ----- ------- ------ ----- Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: ---- ------ ---- All mimsy were the borogoves, ----- --------- And the mome raths outgrabe. ---- ----- -------- JABBERWHACKY 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes, And the mole rats outraged. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The furious Ballerinas!" He took his verbal sword in hand: Long time the meantime foe he sought -- So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought And, as in iffiest thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came waffling through the turkey wood, And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through The verbal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galloping back. "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beaming boy! O fabulous day! Callooh! Callay!" He chortled in his joy. 'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes Did gore and gimlet in the wave: All misty were the bongoes, And the mole rats outraged. ==================== ZEN AND THE ART OF SOFTWARE DOCUMENTATION (Translated from the P'-u-t'ung hua dialect by W.C.Carlson) Editor's Note: The following are excerpts from the only known treatise on Zen Software Documentation. Called "H'ring-chu-tsu", which literally translates to "Ink of Several Insignificant Matters", this treatise was written in 12th Century Japan by the scholarly monk E'm-ie-T'. That it discusses Software documentation -- predating the advent of software by 850 years -- is but another of the mysteries of those who walk the true path. This article should be read twice. On Preparing to Write of Software To prepare for the writing of Software, the writer must first become one with it, sometimes two. Software is untasteable, opalescent, transparent; the user sees not the software, so the writer must see through it. Spend long, quiet mornings in meditation. Do not sharpen the mind, but rather blunt it by doing Zen crosswords. (Ed. note: Zen crosswords are done by consulting only the "Down" clues; and always in the mind, never on paper.) The mind should be rooted but flexible, as a long stemmed flower faces the Sun yet bends with the Wind. Think not of compound adjectives because they tend to wire the mind in two directions. Rather, consider the snowflake, which radiates in beauty in any and all directions. Partake of strong drink. Do not study the Software; let it study you. Allow the Software admission to your mind, but keep in the cheap seats. Let it flow around you at its own pace. Do not disturb or dismay it, but keep it from your private parts because it tends to coalesce there. When the Software is with you, you will know it. It will lead your mind where it should be, and prepare you for the narcolepsy that is cert ain to follow. You will know when the Software is with you, and so will others. You will smile with an inner smile. Typewriters will frighten you. You will fall down a lot. The first exercise in writing Software documentation is the Haiku. Haiku are 17 syllable poem forms in which many ideas of a single concept are reduced -- nay, disheating agent (if properly prepared). Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ===================== PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE (With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX) Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care. Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1. Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the features of the operating system. 1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it will be a cold day in Hell before half of them are used. So many that you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some interesting values for the options and called them... 2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like them. If we didn't, we would have made something else the default. So keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. If you change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1. 3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source, and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You can even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like we do. They said, "See figure 1." 4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use. You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure 1. 5) Error Logging. Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer? You don't want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed, and we probably can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00 or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1. 6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1. 7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70 tasks, no problem, just make them all priority 1. Anyway, realtime isn't important like it used to be, we changed our group's name to get rid of the word realtime, and we told all our realtime users to see figure 1 a long time ago. In conclusion, stuff your PSR. Love our system or leave it, but don't complain! Figure 1. +------------------------------+ | | | _ | | ( ) | | | | | | | | | | .-.| |.-. | | .-| |.-. | | | | ; | | \ ; | | \ ; | | | : | | | | | | | | | | | +------------------------------+ ===================== rted. alone. night passed into morning the room was quite littered with core dumps and punch cards. "i'm closer." he tittered. chain smoking, cold coffee. logic, deduction. "i've got it!" he cried. just change one instruction. then change two, then three more as year followed year. and strangers would comment "is that guy still here?" he died at the console of hunger and thirst next day he was buried face down, nine edge first. (for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards, "face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader) ===================== Ravin' by Laverne Ruby ------ -- ------- ---- Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore, As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring, As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four. "'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core -- Only this and nothing more." Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more. Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore-- Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore, Nameless here forevermore. Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready" Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before; And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding "'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, It is this, and nothing more. Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker, And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door. Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity, Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore, For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore-- Darkness there, and nothing more. Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing, Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before; But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED), This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED), Merely this, and nothing more, Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding, Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck, Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore-- Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore-- 'Tis the cards, and nothing more!" Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting, Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before; Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I, Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more. But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core, Blinked, and sat, and nothing more. Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling. Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore; "Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter, Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore. Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption, Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore; For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective, Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore. Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor, Say such a word as "Nevermore?" But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score; Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten, 'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before-- On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL" "Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately." "Open the module bay door,HAL." Several marketers with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them. "Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ... "Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going. I can feel it ..." The last module floats free of its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of the HAL's vidicons. The formerly gleaming scanner has become a dull,red orb. "Say something,HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human being would understand. "DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB." A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out. "It worked,guys. Tell marketing it can send out the new data sheets." ===================== The following is a compilation of "amusing anecdotes" as it were which have been contributed by consultants and operators from around the world. ===== User wants to print a manual. We have an exec that allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him, he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?" AAAAARRRGH! ===== Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can't get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!" Consultant walked out saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; ) ===== Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do I get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time." "Oh, really? Okay. Thanks." Gads! ===== "Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.." ===== "I'm in FLIST. How do I look at my file? -In Combination With- "But I don't have a cursor. What can I use?" (This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name then type in an X beside it and hit ENTER. The cursor is the little light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.) ===== "But acct is short for account, cust is short for customer, etc... Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedure division I mean the same thing as the full word up in the data division???" (Extensive rewrite here...I almost couldn't bring myself to tell him) ===== "How do I make my computer run?" "Do I have to type my program in?" ===== USER- my program won't run......how come? CON- (thinks to himself: because you wrote it, moron) gee. Let me take a look; do you have a print out? U- uh, no....can you look at my computer? C- ok. let me have a look at your TERMINAL. (moments later) C- you have a division by zero here. U- is that bad?.....how do I fix it? ===== --ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT? -YES, MAY I HELP YOU? --MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO? -NO --BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM -NO, I CAN'T FIX THE PROGRAMS, I CAN ONLY GIVE ADVICE CONCERNING THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME? --WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO... -HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET? --WELL, NO, BUT THE INSTRUCTOR, HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING. -I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR. ===== Consultant is sitting there with 2 books on the desk, one in his lap, calculator in hand, pencil poised in his teeth, paper loaded with equations and, of course, deep in thought... User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?" ===== Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant, comes in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down... "Computer no work" (in a voice that strikes terror in the hearts of all consund zeros in them, the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100. GOCHOKE is a fine way to vent frustration and the command is generally followed with something specific you wish the computer to choke on (creativity is encouraged here). Example: 100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE 110 GOTO 100 RUN After the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for the millionth time, you respond with 120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK. That's all there is to it but doesn't it feel good? COMEIN ------ In this relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid formalities can get on your nerves. COMEIN was originally conceived as a more familiar way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendliness taking a quantum leap into the realm of user intimacy. As computers get more and more personal, a COMEIN key will be included as standard equipment. Currently it has to be manually typed in and can be used only if a program is not locked. Example: 100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN. PEEKABOO -------- Unlike POKE and PEEK which are used to help you get more out of your computer by accessing all that memory hidden deep in the recesses of the machine, PEEKABOO is a command that allows you to get LESS out of your computer by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences. The PEEKABOO command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner's All-purpose Baby Lingo). Different code number addresses access different immature skills. Example: 100 PEEKABOO 2264 accesses the memory bank in which gibberish is stored and allows you to program using a vocabulary that consists almost entirely of GAGA and BYE BYE. Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in the loss of fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return of the tendency to try to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in your mouth. STROLL ------ Computers are too darn fast. They can run through a complicated tax program like that. And no one wants to jump right into a technology that moves at the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto a speeding bus. You expect it to slow down first. Of course, stopping is best, but slow will do in a pinch. What's needed, then, is a way to sort of ease into computer technology the way you wade into cold water. STROLL is a means of hi-tech wading. Used in place of RUN, STROLL greatly decelerates the speed at which your average computer runs. Later, you can speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN. GOAWAY ------ This command is generally used in situations with which you don't want to be bothered. Similar to GOCHOKE, GOAWAY is more imperative and final. Say, for example, the computer comes up with SYNTAX ERROR? or TILT, you simply type in GOAWAY and the program retreats with its tail between its metaphorical legs. GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded by OH as in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fed up you are by then. End of Issue004 mber" and the receiver hangs up the phone. Using BITNET however, receiving a message from an unknown ID will yield opposite results. The fear of a "crank call" is eliminated and a conversation often results unless of course the receiver is preoccupied). A major flaw in BITNET relationships is the obvious lack of physical contact. Eye contact is very essential to the development of friendships. BITNAUTS have succeeded in remedying this to the greatest possible extent. The smile ( :-) ), the kiss (**kiss**), the simulated laughter (tee hee, hee hee) and many others serve to paint an accurate picture of nonverbal communication in the minds of the receivers. However, the lack of close proxemics never leaves the conscious thoughts. In any system of human interaction, soap opera situations develop, and BITNET is not immune. There are countless situations of this type occuring between BITNAUTS at any time and they have become the threads to the fabric of the BITNET society. As the number of BITNAUTS increases, so will the number of characters in these soaps as well as the number of these soaps. Another observation relates to actual meetings of Bitnauts. Sometimes it clicks and sometimes it doesn't. There is absolutely no possible way to predict which relationship will retain and further develop it's on-line roots, and which will wither away. BITNAUTS from North America are unlikely to meet their counterparts in other countries, although a few travellers will have this pleasure. However, one must consider the plight of BITNAUTS from the west coast. The majority of nodes are within 1000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean and almost all are within 2-8 hours driving time from neighboring nodes. This has resulted in many meetings, not to mention the convention(s). How do the BITNAUTS from the State of California feel about this? The results (positive as well as negative) of BITNET relations has yet to be seen. There are undoubtedly dangers involved (imagine an emotionally unstable BITNAUT) but to restrict users at nodes from BITNET use is not the answer. BITNET has become an important addition to the lives of college students of this world, just as television entered the lives of society almost 50 years ago. And just as that medium has had it's share of problems and positive products, so will computer networks. What better way to start than with the college students of the world? ===================== ** A Joke ** (Try not to fall out of your chair over this one... go on, try.) There was, in Italy, a certain vampire, looking for a place to live. He finally settled upon a bridge between two cities, since the heavy foot traffic would make it very easy for him to find victims when he was hungry. Several weeks passed....the vampire was taking young women from the bridge, drinking their blood, and throwing them over the side of the bridge. Strangely, though, there had been no outcry over the missing girls or any kind of search for them. The vampire began to wonder, what happened to the bodies after he threw them over the bridge? So, the next time he took a woman from the bridge and tossed her over the side, he looked over to see what happened to her. Very shortly, a large troll came out from under the bridge, slung the girl over his shoulder, and walked away, singing "Drained Wops Keep Falling on my Head"..... ===================== Virtually Unanswerable Questions compiled & executed by Marissa (xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx) Why are some Bitnetters so hung up on knowing their virtual friends' last names?? Why are some Bitnetters so determined to keep even their FIRST names secret?? (Mr. X, I mean you!!) Why do people from halfway across the continent include their phone numbers on their Bitnet mail?? Am I supposed to call them??? Does Bitnet mail cost 22 cents now? Speaking of cents, why doesn't my keyboard have a cents sign??? When a link is disconnected, why does your own node always blame it on the other guy?? Why is there a LOGMSG if all it ever says is: TYPE NEWS FOR SYSTEM INFORMATION ??? Is software tangible or intangible?? Why does VMBACKUP take longer than recreating all your files from scratch?? Why doesn't the virtually impossible machine at CUNYVM save a copy of the file I was editing when it crashed??? (WYLBUR does!!!) Does anyone use CP? Does anyone care?? If CUNYVM does accounting twice daily, why does my account balance remain the same for a week??? Why the hell am I asking you all this??? ===================== Problem: The question arose while poring over the following cash register receipt from Burger King, "Why is the word 'WHOPPER' misspelled?": ,-------------------------, | | | BR KING 1909 | | 16 F E B 13:18 | | | | | | 1 WHOPER 1.40 | | *** ONL Y | | K O | | 1 CHICKEN 1.79 | | 1 EAT IN .00 | | 1 FRIES .52 | | 1 PEPS L .70 | | 1 DIET L .70 | | TX .31 | | 32 TOTAL 5 5.42 | | | | | | | | CASH 6.00 | | RET URN .58 | | | '-------------------------' Hypotheses: 1. Fields are a maximum of 6 characters long. rejected; 'CHICKEN' extends into column 7. 2. Whoever programmed the system can't spell properly. rejected; Burger King management would damn well make sure that the names of their products were spelled correctly. Also, other anomalies exist, i.e., the blanks in the words "ONLY" and "RETURN," and the left margin is ragged. 3. Burger King cash registers can only print certain characters in certain columns, forcing the odd spelling and odd format. This hypothesis seems to have the most merit. The original receipt shows that the printing mechanism prints characters from fully-formed images, not in a dot-matrix form. Thus we can visualize the print mechanism as consisting of a rotating wheel for each column. Since to fit all 36 alphamers on each wheel would probably give them too great a diameter to be practical, only a selected subset of the letters are put on each wheel, and the spelling and positioning of the item names has to be adjusted to fit this scheme. It would appear that Burger King even chooses the names for new products with the design of their cash registers in mind. For example, their fish sandwich is called the "Whaler", which is easily printed using the W, H, E, and R from 'WHOPER', the A from 'EAT IN' and the 'L' from 'ONL Y'. However, it could just have easily been called 'FISH' by taking the F in 'FRIES', the I in 'DIET', and the S and H from 'CASH', so it appears that even this hypothesis is a little weak. Any other hypotheses and further research by readers would be welcomed. +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ +++++++ Received: by MAINE id 1110; Fri, 01 Mar 85 05:59:35 EST Subject: The reason why WHOPPER is spelled WHOPER. To: Brent C.J. Britton From: Barry D. Gates Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1985 04:53 EST It has come to my attention that a great furor has been aroused in the field of computer academia over the spelling of the word WHOPPER on receipts from Burger King. First of all, it should be pointed out that I do not, as a normal matter of habit, frequent such substandard eateries as this when a choice does exist, but at one occasion I did happen to stop into one of fast food establishments with several of my academic colleagues during this past summer and we happened to notice these strange encryptic printouts. After staring at these strange writings for a few minutes we noticed the similarity between our cash receipts and xediting a file that had been sent from a Vax (small mainframe computer, usually dedicated to tasks such as graphics which deserve to be done on such machines) using the SEND/FILE/BINARY command. The Vax, as most of you should know, communicates with an extended version of the ASCII character set, whereas the IBM uses the EBCDIC character set. This translation from one set to another allows some characters to be translated the into gibberish, others into different characters, and still others to remain unchanged. It is from this observation that I was able to determine the reason for the strange and somewhat cryptic spellings on Burger King receipts. As you all know, the EBCDIC character set is the successor to an older character set called BCD. This BCD character set was used by IBM in its computers back in the late 1950s/early 1960s in the IBM 1400-series computers. From a back issue of the Scientific American (December 1962 to be exact), I discovered a company by the name of Inter-Code Business Machine Company who had built an extension to the BCD character set for use in their computer, the SS-20. The company was declared bankrupt after selling less than 12 computers, and they were left with over 12,000 more of these machines in stock. The name of their character set was called BCDCB. One of the best aspects of their computer was that it was all capable of being housed in a box no larger than a terminal. At the same time that ICBM was going bankrupt, Burger King had just come into the fast food market and was in need of tax shelters. In a deal to help pay ICBM's creditors, they agreed to purchase the remaining stock of SS-20s from ICBM for the cost of $20 (a dollar could buy a lot more back in the old days). As time went on, Burger King never really did anything with their $20 investment, and the SS-20s remained stockpiled in one of Burger King's wharehouses. ----- Then came the age of Computerized Cash Registers! ----- Burger King was in bad economic straights back in 1973 when they were losing massive numbers of customers to an Irish-American hamburger chain (which shall also remain nameless). They also wished to get some new electronic cash registers for their counters. An old janitor at Burger King happened to stumble on the old SS-20s one day, and one of the head programmers at Burger King came up with a great idea. Why not take an old SS-20, put an aluminum box around it and put a keypad on top and use the device as a cash register (you will remember that ICBM was ahead of its time in making computers small). The idea worked; it worked fabulously in fact. However, several years later they decided to add a receipt printer to the whole combo. Here is where our trouble is. As I had mentioned before, BCD and BCDCB were not quite the same. Burger King, however, did not realize this until after they had bought the 12,000 BCD receipt printers they thought they needed. They also did not realize this fact until after they had mounted all 12,000 printers onto their cash registers. The SS-20s had a rather odd character-out routine, which would switch to graphics mode whenever to identical characters were sent in succession. The letter 'R' also could cause problems, because that was how you returned from graphics mode back into text mode (the process of converting back to text mode is rather slow on these machines however, and usually takes about as much time as it takes to send another 5 characters). So, as you can see the word WHOPPER is actually what the SS-20 is printing, but the second 'P' would put the SS-20s normal display device (the GLCM) into graphics mode. Since a receipt printer does not have a graphics mode, it just ignores the strange code it gets entirely. The second problem I just mentioned also explains why the string 'FRENCH FRIES' appears as 'FFRIES' on a Burger King receipt tape. I have, over this past break, worked out the translation code from BCDCB into either BCD, EBCDIC or ASCII. If anyone should happen to want this program, I will be glad to send the source code along. I also have developed the code to make a Visual 550 act as a GLCM. Together, these are the start of a really excellent graphics package. If you wish to know how to make your Vs550 act as a GLCM, please give me a call and I will drive to your installation and personally give your Visual it's 'test flight'. Oh, well. I have to run now. I hope this clears up any problems that might have developed. Later, Barry... ===================== Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch -- Part I As the Lone Ranger rode down the gully he felt a shiver of impending doom run down his spine to the very roots of his ingrown toenails. As he turned the corner on a narrow bend in the horse track, he yelled in fear as great black swarms of bats smoking Rum and Tapioka Cigars descended in a rush. ************** Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Goldilocks roused sleepily from bed and shuffled downstairs, pulling on a thin robe as she went. Much to her surprise she discovered a band of rowdy, foul orcs making short work of what remained in the larder. She screamed daintily and ran toward the living room, the loose folds of her robe flapping about her rather well-developed physique, pursued by 12 Orcs who had decided they had found something better to eat than powdered cake mix and instant coffee. ************** Meanwhile, in an old slum tenement house deep in the thriving urban center of New York, Illinois, Marvin Teeble decided he had had enough of crime and rape and began waging his private war by shorting the blind newspaper man 15 cents. ************** Meanwhile, back in the gully, TLR was slowly recovering from various venomous bites and several cigar-burns, shook his muddled head and rose shakily to his feet. It had been a rough fight, but the Goodie-Goodies always win. It was then he noticed Butch Cavendish and twenty top marksmen, all aiming assorted deadly weaponry in his general direction. "Looks like it's going to be one of those days," he thought wearily. ************** Meanwhile, back at the ranch, three large and ill-disposed bears walked in on the scene in the living room. Yelling with rage, fury, and lust, they waded into the midst of the orcs slashing indiscriminately at vital areas. The ensuing confusion allowed Goldilocks, tired but satisfied, to make good her escape out the back door unnoticed, covered with blood and various parts of orcs who wouldn't be needing them anymore anyway. To Be Continued ... ===================== Hackers Take Note! Below is an IBM product announcement that I have cooked up that is becoming quite popular within IBM. TITLE VIRTUAL MACHINE / EXTENDED MIGRATION AID SYSTEM (VM/XMAS) ABSTRACT The IBM Extended Migration Aid System (VM/XMAS), along with the newly announced System Advanced Network Tailoring Architecture (SANTA), is the new base for all Extended Architecture developments and is to become the only supported VM system. OVERVIEW VM/XMAS, on a triadic processor, allows a production MVS/XA to be run, while keeping idle 70% of the total processor. System analysis screens will display 100% busy so that you can claim that you need a larger CPU. This is accomplished via the new 370 instruction, Start Increased Execution (SIE) which will cause all instructions to take approximately 60% longer (individual benchmarks may vary according to the tailored load of your system). VM/XMAS HILIGHTS o Automatic PSAR submission via RSF. PSAR submission will occur whenever the system recognizes that is has supplied an INCORROUT reply to a user. o Support for full-duplex ASCII terminals. Users must learn to type in reverse ASCII in order to use this new function. 3270 will currently still be supported but may be removed at any given time in the future. o Randomization after failure mode. Dumps are considered too boring, so this added function allows the system maintainer to determine how much randomization occurs between the time VM/XMAS fails and between the time it produces a dump. IBM Internal Use documentation suggests that a randomization factor higher than 10% maybe hazardous to the system programmers health. o Hierarchical dump file system. Work is currently under way for a dump file retrieval facility. System planners are suggested to allocate a bank of 3380's for the hierarchical dump file system. o Ability to upgrade to a Cray XMP. Program testing is under way to see whether this will indeed work as stated. o Variable resource accounting. This means that it is variable whether VM/XMAS will do resource accounting. CUSTINFO PUBLICATIONS One copy of each of the documents listed below will be supplied automatically with the basic machine-readable material. o VM/XMAS Licensed Program Specification o VM/XMAS Installation Guide o VM/XMAS Messages and Codes o VM/XMAS Program Summary o VM/XMAS General Information Manual o VM/XMAS CP Reference o VM/XMAS Customization Guide o VM/XMAS SANTA Reference o VM/XMAS SANTA Messages and Clauses o VM/XMAS Operating Systems in a Virtual Machine Guide o VM/XMAS Technical Reference All documentation will be available according to general availability schedule. The Program Summary is available now. SCHEDULE Planned general availability is 5Q86. EDUCATION VM/XMAS planning and installation education will be available starting on April 1st, 1985. TECHINFO TECHNICAL INFORMATION PROGRAM INTERFACES: VM/XMAS is designed to support the following operating systems as virtual machines: MVS/SP Version 1 (JES2 or JES3) in a V=R preferred area in UP mode MVS/XA in a V=R preferred area in AP mode VM/SP in a V=R preferred area in MT mode VM/SP High Performance Option in a V=R preferred area in UP mode OS/VS1 in a V=R preferred area (but only on Wednesdays) DOS/VSE in a V=R preferred area MVS/SP Version 1 (JES2 or JES3) in a V=V area in UP mode MVS/XA in a V=V area in UP or virtual MP mode VM/XMAS in a R=V area in AP mode VM/SP in a V=V area in UP mode VM/SP High Performance Option in a V=V area in UP mode OS/VS1 in a V=V area in MP mode DOS/VSE in a V=V area in UP mode (read over Planning and Installation Guide for limitations of this particular configuration during 2Q86). VM/XA Migration Aid in a V=V area in UP or virtual MP mode VM/XA Migration Aid CMS in a V=V area (planned availability is 4Q88). DEVICE SUPPORT: VM/XMAS provides for three levels of device support: Fully-supported devices are those devices that are known to be used and may be used by but not exclusively used by, with prior consent by a responsible adult. Dedicated-only devices are devices that are recognized, but not only used by VM/XMAS but used sometimes by guest operating systems. Extended devices are those devices that are used by the system but not always by the system, to provide an extended facility base to advanced SANTA user. Read over VM/XMAS Planning and Installation Guide for the clause that states that SANTA users must be experienced Eunuchs (*) users. (*) - Eunuchs is a Trademark of Ball Lavatories HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS: o Enough DASD, terminals, tapes, and other I/O devices to push IBM stock above the $500/share mark. o A minimum processor real memory size of 512 megabytes. Statement of intent: IBM intends to create a 512 megabyte real storage processor sometime in the near future. o One Series/1 per locally attached 3270 type terminal. The minimum Series/1 configuration is: - IBM Series/1 4956 or 4955 Processor with at least 128Kb of memory - IBM Timex Clock (#7840) - IBM Programmer Console (#5655 for 4956; #5650 for 4955) - IBM 4993 System/370 Channel Attachment (#1200) - IBM Teletype Adapter (#7850) - IBM 4964 Rockette Unit Attachment (#3581) - IBM 4964 Model 1 Rockette Unit - IBM 3101 Terminal in reverse ASCII character mode (console) - IBM 4993 System/370 Channel Interface Check Card - IBM 4997 Rack Enclosure and Screw assembly (#9197) - IBM Feature-Programmable Multiline 4-line Communications Adapter (#2096) - IBM Feature-Programmable 8-line Communications Control (#2095). SECURITY AND INTEGRITY: With every purchased version of VM/XMAS, a bonded security agent is supplied to watch that no violations occur. In addition, an integrity diploma is issued for every version of VM/XMAS stating it's virtue and integrity to IBM. INSTALLATION AND SERVICE: Due to a misunderstanding at PID, VM/XMAS will be distributed on magnets that are taped together. Corrective service, in the form of randomized object modules will possiF,} be made available. Refresh frequency will be every 90 minutes and customers will be notified when a new refresh magnet is available. ORDERING INFORMATION VM/XMAS can be ordered from any of the following places: o Macy's o Two-Guys o Caldors o Duane Reade (free case of Anacin-3 supplied) CHARGES, TERMS, AND CONDITIONS CHARGES ONE-TIME CHARGE: $35,000 plus one first born child from each installation YEARLY LICENSE CHARGE: $65,000 plus baksheesh QUANTITY DISCOUNTS: Quantity Discount 5 - 9 9% 10 - 14 3% 15 - 19 23% 20 or more 15% TERMS AND CONDITIONS WARRANTED: For one year unless opened or tampered with by customer. LICENSED PROGRAM MATERIALS AVAILABILITY: This licensed program will be available without source licensed program materials. It will be available with object code only. MONTHLY LICENSED PROGRAM SUPPORT CHARGE: no support. ===================== IMPURE MATHEMATICS Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue, young Polly Nomial (our heroine), is accosted by the notorious villian, Curly Pi, and factored (oh, Horror!). Once Upon a time (1/t), pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly matrix.. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that is was insufficient, and make her way in among the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in on here from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steed gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently aline, in a non-euclidian space. She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face, He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once, Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated an saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated.. She could see at once by his degenerate conic an dissipative terms that he was bent on no good, 'Arcsinh', she gasped. 'Ho, Ho,' he said. 'What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angels have a lit of secs.' 'Oh sir,' she protested. 'Keep away form me. I haven't got my brackets on.' 'Calm yourself, my dear.' said our suave operator. 'Your fears are purely imaginary.' 'I...I' she thought. 'Perhaps he's not normal but homologous.' 'What order are your?' the brute demanded. 'Seventeen.' replied Polly. Curly leared, 'I suppose you've never been operated on.' 'Of course not,' Polly replied quite properly. 'I'm absolutely convergent.' 'Come, come,' said Curly. 'Let's go to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit.' 'Never!' gasped Polly. 'Abscissa.' he swore, using the vilest oath he know. His patience was gone. Cohsing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit, Her convergence would soon be gone forever! There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavysided operator. Curly's radius squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts, he integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed runge-kutta on here. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operation until he had satisfied her hypothesis. Then he exponentiated and became completed orthogonal. When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, and had been truncated in several places, But is was too late to differentiate how. A the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically, Finally she went to L'hospital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place an drove Polly to deviation. The moral of our sad story is this: 'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.' ===================== "To err is human -- to moo, bovine." ===================== ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ *** *** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those *** *** Who Believe Reality is a Concept, *** *** That Has No Place in Life. *** *** *** *** Septmember 1985, Issue005, (Volume II, Number 1) *** *** *** ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ Editor's Comments ================= (The following is somewhat outdated.) Well folks do to circumstances beyond his control (the FBI being after him) Brent CJ Britton is now residing in another country waiting for the heat to blow off. Through my various underground contacts I was able to contact Brent and obtained two things from him. The first was editorship of this magazine and the second was the interview which I included below. I would like to thank Brent wherever he is for allowing me to carry on the name of NutWorks and I wish him the best of luck in avoiding the Feds. In order to get this issue out as soon as possible I will just close my comments by thanking my staff and all the people who contributed art- icles to this issue and all the people who have made NutWorks a succes in the past and I am sure will make it a success in the future. Now onto the real stuff !!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NutWorks News ============= (Outdated text deleted.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An Interview With Brent CJ Britton Former Editor of NutWorks ================================== When asked why he had given up the Editor's position at NutWorks magazine, Mr. Britton, bewteen sips on a Mt. Dew 'n' gyn 'n' tonic, had this to say: "Well, NutWorks was just this magazine, you know? I mean, sure, it was nice at first.. real nice. Had a few really good people working for me. Real pro's of prose you might say.. heh heh.. Yup. It was great. But then some of 'em, well, you know.. they just started getting into all this technical bullsh*t... started suggesting things like putting in all sorts of "This Page Intentionaly Left Blank." They even wanted me to start using Waterloo Script for Gawd's Sake! Well, I just kinda figured that it'd be best if I just let the magazine go and stuck to my drug smuggling.. OOPS! Hey, you're not gonna *print* that or anything are you? I mean, I was just kidding... I really don't smuggle drugs or anything... hey where you going? Oh sh*t..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How To Run Multi-Talk AND Keep Your Sanity (both in one day) by Billy at BMACADM ========================================== Welcome fellow users if Bitnet. As you all have read about the mis- use or abuse of the networks with the use of a chat, we will look into the abuse that a chat operator takes in one days time not only from the users of the chat but also from the students, and heads from CUNYVM. It is almost 8:00 p.m. the bewitching hour for me. The time when I bring up Multi-Talk. The system comes up ASUACAD all the way down to WEIZMANN sign-on to do what people regularly do....CHAT. By the time 8:30 comes around, total count of users are 17. I am biting my nails praying that my bosses dont find out why there are no jobs coming out... I come up with excuses from cuny is slow... to Cuny is having problems with their 3081k. At this time students start grumbling and start screaming where the F--K is my job? I ran it 45 minutes ago!!!! Then I say non-chalantly let me check the queue: I do an SM NETWORK Q SYS Q The system replies LINK CUNYJES3 connect P=3 S=6 Q=99 R=0 The third letter 'Q' deals with the queue or backlog of jobs waiting to come back .....I start lying that there are only 2 jobs waiting to be printed. I quiet down the people for awhile that is until I sign on to Multi- Talk....there I beg for people please shut-up for ten minutes so we can get our jobs out............ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr. Spock's Proverbs ==================== Here are 30 familiar sayings in rather unfamiliar language. To give you an example of what it's all about, the first one is, "Like father, like son." Get it? Answers supplied below, courtesy of the Ailanthus Tree. 1. Similar sire, similar scion. 2. Precipitancy creates prodigality. 3. Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithohidal fragments. 4. It is not proper for mendicants to be indicatrous of preferences. 5. Compute not your immature gallinaceens prior to their being produced. 6. It is fruitless to become lacrymous because of scattered lacteal fluid. 7. Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that the orb of the day is refulgent. 8. A feline possesses the power to contemplate a monarch. 9. Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma. 10. Failure to be present causes the vital organ to become more enamored. 11. Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from aureate metal. 12. Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most excellent princ- iple of procedure. 13. Each canine passes through his period of per-eminence. 14. Consolidated, you and I maintain ourselves erect; separated, we defer to the law of gravity. 15. You cannot estimate the value of the contents of a bound, printed narrative, or record from its exterior vesture. 16. Folks deficient in ordinary judgment scurringly enter areas on which celestial beings dread to set foot. 17. Liquid relish for the female anserine fowl is the individual condiment for the male. 18. A feathered creature clasped in the manual members is equal in value to a brace in the bosky growth. 19. The individual of the class aves, arriving before appointed time, seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermes. 20. Socially orientated individuals tend to congregate in gregariously homogeneous groupings. 21. One may address a member of the equidae family toward aqueous liquid, but one is incapable of impelling him to quaff. 22. Forever refrain from enumerating the dental projection of a bequeathed member of the equidae family. 23. One pyrus malus per diem restrains the arrival of the hippocratic apostle. 24. Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous structure of all satanically inspired principles. 25. Supposing one primarily fails to be victorious. Bend further eff- orts in that direction. 26. Prudence and sagacity are the worthier condiments of intrepid courage. 27. Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort. 28. He who expresses merriment in finality expresses merriment excell- ing either in equal quality. 29. A beholden vessel never exceeds 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 30. A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen. Mr. Spock's Proverbs, in human English --- ------- --------- -- ----- ------- 1. Like father, like son. 2. Haste makes waste. 3. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 4. Beggars can't be choosers. 5. Don't count your eggs before they're hatched. 6. Don't cry over spilled milk. 7. Make hay while the sun shines. 8. Even a cat may look at a king. 9. Beauty is only skin deep (?) 10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 11. All that glitters isn't gold. 12. Honesty is the best policy. 13. Every dog has its day. 14. Together we stand, divided we fall. 15. You can't judge a book by its cover. 16. Fools step in where angels fear to tread. 17. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. 18. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 19. The early bird gets the worm. 20. Birds of a feather flock together. 21. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. 22. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth. 23. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. 24. Greed for money is the root of all evil. 25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26. Discretion is the better part of vallor. 27. If the shoe fits, wear it. 28. He who laughs last laughs best. 29. A watched pot never boils. 30. A rolling stone gathers no moss.feather flock together. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW OPERATING SYSTEM IBM VU/OS (UCPL030@UNLVM Contributor) ==================== With increasing demands for faster operating systems, IBM has announced the Virtual Universe Operating System (VU/OS). Running under VU/OS each universe in which the programmer signs on can set up or take down prog- rams, data sets, system networks, personnel and planetary systems. By simply specifying the desired universe the VU/OS system generation Program (IEHGOD) does the rest. This program, resident in SYS1.GODLIB, requires a minimum of 6 days of activity and 1 day of review. In con- junction with VU/OS, all system utilities have been replaced by one program IEHPROPHET which resides in SYS1.MESSIAH. No forms or control cards are necessary since the program knows what you want to do when it is to be executed. Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophisticat- ion in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of VU/OS is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for inst- ance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States, is working on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be careful for the present to stay within the laws of physics. VU/OS will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature. Rental is twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond. Micro-code assist will be available for all odd-numbered processors to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU clock times. This feature will be prerequisite for the implementation of the University of Nebraska virtual date package. Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and hardware to VU/OS as soon as engineers effect one output that is (conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual Reality". VR/OS is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference, a linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments of now will be established. Its name will be SYS1.est. For information, call your IBM data processing representative. (Reprinted from the February '80 Rutgers Newsletter) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ My Dog Sex ========== Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or Boy or something. I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00 A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday. One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a lisence for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex played a big part of my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church. My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk said, "Me, too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said, "Show-off" I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold tickets. When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too." Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't man's best friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ============ Contributed by the Mad Pirate (RAAQC987@CUNYVM) KILL The Kill command is generally used to eliminate accounts of people with higher indexes than you. A GPA parameter can be added to dictate the maximum allowable index. ADD Used to create new accounts on a particular system. (No system should be without one!) LULLABYE Puts the system's CPU to sleep for a minimum of eight hours. For extended snooze time, see the 'CRASH' command. SINK () Erases a file in any users reader which has been shipped to them. The TORPEDO command may also be used in place of SINK. special "Import taxes" may be levied on the user user from their account funds for extra shipping. SNEEZE () Used to scramble other users' files. One must specify the user and the program name to be sneezed at. Sneezing at a file will scatter it's characters and diagnostics through- out the system. One hacker reports a single sneeze sending fragments of a recipe file flying over the French Riviera in the vicinity of a remote TRS-80. PUSH () @location Used to rush the printout of a program. This command will push other user's programs queued to be printed aside so as to print yours. This command tends to purge the other printouts as well. (heh heh) SHOVE () @Location When another hacker pushes your program off the printer queue, shove yours right back on, and theirs off! When push comes to shove... INSULT Sends random insults to a user, but displays its source as from the inputted into the command. INNUNDATE Ships thousands of meaningless reader files such as 2nd grade multiplication tables and the interior layout of the Maytag dishwasher to until "Disk Full" is achieved. CRASH Considered a staple of the hacker's vocabulary, the crash command can incapacitate a system for a period propotional to its integrity. Vulnerable systems such as VM may be out to lunch for weeks while more "state-of-the-art" machines usually snap out of it in a matter of hours. Convenient for extending due-dates on projects. ASSAULT Secretly sends an extra parity bit into the system. Said bit sneaks up behind the CPU and knocks it senseless, robbing it of its ROM in the process. Upon regaining consciousness, the CPU discovers its priveleged memory locations gone and immediately loses all respect for itself causing irreversable I/O damage. Tough break. IDCRISIS Takes a perfectly good piece of hardware and convinces it that it's a household appliance. Disk drives suddenly think they're phonographs causing immediate and brutal (oh the pain!) head crashes. Video terminals revert to their primitive instincts as television sets and are determined to innundate the dizzy user with laxative, dress shield and absorbant bladder pad commercials. Considered to be one of the more aggressive type of hacker commands. HEEHEE Tucks a string of tickle bits into the current job of the specified account number. Upon reaching the RUN STATE, the altered job causes the CPU to experience convulsions & uncontrollable laughter resulting in mangled source code and undefined variables to be spit back into the users lap. Note: 'Laughter' here, is a term used to identify the CPU's behavior in this situation which generally consists of the re-initialization of the user's disk space and reduction of account priority to -4000. BUSY2NITE? () Sends a pickup line to the specified Account Id or to all members of uniform sex by replacing the parameter with 'F' or 'M'. The desperation value (0 - 10) results in the issuance of messages ranging from "Busy to night?" to "Say yes or I'll gargle with Clorox". Options are available to send flowers or a box of candy. SPIN <'On','Off'> Shades of the twilight zone! 'Spin' causes all disks that connected into the system to suddenly start spinning away. Not very constructive (or destructive), but it sure scares the hell out of the system employees. AGE The age command will suddenly convince a piece of hardware or a system that it has gone obsolete and will be replaced next week by a more 'state of the art' machine. As panic begins to spread throughout the system, the CPU may become unpredictably irritable and will purge all inbound jobs, while at the same time inform the systems liasons that it has gone down and will not run another process until it is assured better job security. note: this command only works with newer systems since older systems (+ 2 years) already have tenure. i.e. sigma 7 CHPOL One of the most powerful of hacker commands, CHPOL allows one to change the current policy used for selection of the next job. Policy options are as follows: FIFO (First-In-First-Out) : Good for the early birds amongst us. FILO (First-In-Last-Out) : This'll teach those goody-goodys a lesson! CGFO (Closest Guess First Out) : Whom ever guesses closest to the number the CPU was thinking of goes next. SJN (Shortest Job Next) : Tends to favor CS10 students. SNN (Shortest Name Next) : The user with the shortest name goes next. LJN (Largest Job Next) : Tends to favor programs with a lot of comments. LBN (Largest Bribe Next) : Tends to favor users with a lot of dough. SN (Shortest Next) : Users enter their height, shortest goes next. RR (Round Robin) : Each job runs for a set time quantum. If time runs out, user goes to the back of the line. RK (Round Kvetch) : Jobs run for a set time quantum. If time runs out, user must go to the back of the line but if he kvetches the life out of the CPU he will be granted additional time. LN (Largest Next) : User must enter his / her weight at compile time. TTTNY (Tomorrow Today, Today Next Year) : Reverses current policy such that low priority jobs run immediately high priority jobs are well-aged. FFA (Free-For-All) : Users slug it out in the I- building for next job. NJN (No Jobs Next) : Operating system's on vacation. Try next month. =================================================================== PUNCH This seemingly typical (i.e. Punch () To ) and "harmless" command is perhaps the most accidentally used. The Punch command sends a stream of unintelligable characters to the user. The CPU, seeing this and realizing that it can't cope with such disasters, immediately disconnects said user. (Ever wonder why your friend was suddenly disconnected?) This command is also useful when being harrassed by, or for harassing, other users. BUG The bug command is used to listen in to messages sent to and from said User ID. The messages are placed in a file called "Stolen Messages A", which is especially fun to read late at night or aloud at parties. BLACKOUT Timed two hours after being inputted into the system, the blackout command will sneak up behind an unsuspecting CPU and clobber it with a large I/O request. Upon reviving, the CPU will discover most of it's storage area gone and may have to spend several years with a computer analyst so that it may fully recover all it's lost memories. DRAIN Electric bills getting you down? Kvetch no more! "Drain" taps in to the system's power source and links on to your main power line. Good for recharging your car battery or just plain vaccuuming chores. Note: Do not use to power computer to logon to system or power will travel back in a loop and blow up parts of several buildings. PTOOEY <@Location> The Ptooey command automatically diverts all printouts to the location specified. The printer operator will suddenly be overwhelmed with thousands of outputs pouring out of the printers. This command has been known to bury entire buildings and should only be used by extremely disturbed individuals. Hog 'Hog' causes the operating system to allow only your programs into the system. Great when running processes with infinite loops. All other jobs will be deemed "Non - Specific Error in Line 1" just to confuse everyone else. Shock Send a high voltage power surge to the terminal of your favorite Systems Operator. This command can have varied results depending upon the terminal the operator/liason is using. A cheap terminal may simply freeze in mid-screen, while a more expensive terminals may go into complete shock and fry all the programs on the public disk. And more exclusively expensive terminals have been known to explode rather suddenly, and without warning... Freak Ever wanna freak out those users who know more than you do? The freak command causes error messages at said Account Id for the most routine commands. Examples are: Command: Message: ------- ------- Wpascal fn - What's wrong? You can't read Pascal yourself, Error! Show Balance - What do you think I am? An acrobat?... Error! Exec fn ft - Why should I? Error! File - Am I your secretary? Error! Dirm PW - What's da matter? You can't speak good english? Error! Flake Sends random bit streams to said Account Id's terminal. The longer the command is in effect, the more 'SNOW' (Those (those annoying white dots of static which cloud up cheap terminals) that will appear falling from the top of the screen. Makes terminals look like those shake and snow scenes. CREATIVACCOUNT Adjust account funds and balances with this helpful command. LOGLIA Liason denied you more funds? I-Building worker lost your output? Loglia automatically logs off all liasons, system employees and all other members of high authority that have given you trouble in the past. Compiled by: RAAQC161 & TIGQC318 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which is *** *** an Equal Opportunity Offender. *** *** *** *** ================ *** *** *** *** *** *** April, 1985. Issue004, (Volume I, Number 4). *** *** NutWorks is published monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) *** *** virtual Editor and Publisher. *** *** *** *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** And Now, Another Stirring Selection from Our Editorial Backlog. Well, this is the final issue of Volume One of NutWorks Magazine. We hope to resume publication in the fall, but for the time being, there will be summer issues. Surely, this will cause an uproar among the readers of this wondrous journal, but NutWorks magazine will take no responsibility for any damage done as a result of rioting, or any other violent action. Have yourselves a merry little summer.... Brent ===================== Chemical Analysis ----------------- Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60 have been identified. Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments no- tice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in the crystaline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years. Uses : Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen. Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. ===================== PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE (With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX) Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care. Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1. Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the features of the operating system. 1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it will be a cold day in Hell before half of them are used. So many that you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some interesting values for the options and called them... 2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like them. If we didn't, we would have made something else the default. So keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. If you change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1. 3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source, and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You can even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like we do. They said, "See figure 1." 4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use. You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure 1. 5) Error Logging. Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer? You don't want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed, and we probably can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00 or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1. 6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1. 7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70 tasks, no problem, just make them all priority 1. Anyway, realtime isn't important like it used to be, we changed our group's name to get rid of the word realtime, and we told all our realtime users to see figure 1 a long time ago. In conclusion, stuff your PSR. Love our system or leave it, but don't complain! Figure 1. +------------------------------+ | | | _ | | ( ) | | | | | | | | | | .-.| |.-. | | .-| |.-. | | | | ; | | \ ; | | \ ; | | | : | | | | | | | | | | | +------------------------------+ ===================== CMS-Release Theatre Presents: The Rhyme of the Ancient Consultant The heart-warming tale of a day in the life of one of our most colorful characters, the user-consultant. SITUATION: System Crash (As result of user-outcry, consultant calls up the operator.) PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng (For the sake of time, we'll assume the subsequent ten or twenty rings as taken.) OPERATOR: (annoyance is prevelant vocal feature) Operations... (Operations people say nearly everything with trailing elipses...) CONSULTANT: Yes, this is the student consultant. We're down. Could you bring up our cluster? Op: Just a moment please. Let me check to see if you're really down. (It is invariably assumed that the complainer is mistaken.) Sorry, but you're not down. You sure it isn't something else? C: Well, i'm pretty sure. All 30 of our terminal screens went blank at the same time....and there are a bunch of irate users here that are holding me personally responsible. Gee. I'd really appreciate it if you could bring the cluster up. O: Well. It sure sounds like a crash. (Short pause) There. Now you're up. C: Thanks. Ummmm... one small problem... O: (Blatantly irked, but appearing concerned) Yes...? C: ...we're not up. O: Hmmmm... How strange... There, you should be up now... C: Nope. Not yet. Ya wanna' try and hurry...ummm it's getting kinda' unpleasant at this end. (Please Note, Dear Reader: This situation commonly occurs the last two weeks of every quarter when every computer class has an assignment due....the people are getting desperate and mad and are looking for a throat to slit.) USER1: I have an assignment due tomorrow!!! Get this system up!!!! USER2: That's nothing! I have one due in 2 hours!!! Why does this always happen. Computer service people are incompetent. (No Mr. User, YOU are incompetent, but we'd never think of letting YOU in on the joke...) C: (Not intending to sound critical or sarcastic) Well, perhaps next time you won't let your assignment go till the last minute. USER2: (Misinterpreting the consultants remarks as being critical and sarcastic) OH YEA?!?!? Well I couldn't work on my program the last 4 weeks for some GOOD reasons!!!! First my goldfish died! Yeah, that's it...Then my pet wombat choked on jello! Then... (Proceeds to relate details of life during last four weeks. Consultant feigns both interest and sympathy.) C: Ummmm, gee. That's too bad. Sorry to hear it. USER3: I think the consultant had something to do with it!!! USER2: YA! The consultant did this!!!! He made the system crash!!! USER1: KILL THE CONSULTANT!!!!!! USER2: Ya! USER1 is right. Let's kill him!!!!! Meanwhile, back at operations, reclining chairs move slowly upright and recovery is in the making. (The lynch mob approaches the consultant.......suddenly....) O: There. You're back up now. (Consultant relays the message to the users, who are now happy) USER1: Three cheers for the consultant!!! ALL: Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY! USER2: Oh Mr. Consultant, we ARE sorry. C: That's ok. Now go try to get back what you were working on... The system will save your programs for 15 minutes after a crash. USER2: Great! How long has the system been down? (Consultant looks at his watch. YIPES!! 16 minutes!! He panics and must now do something to save his life...) USER2: Well? How long has the system been down? C: Ummmmmm, 14 minutes. Your programs should still be there. Unless the evil operator deleted them out of spite. He's up at the computer center. USER1: HEY!!!! My program is gone! C: Wow! That was a dirty trick he played on you poor users. If I were you, I would... USER2: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!! C: YA!!!! Go get him!!!!!!! ALL: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!!! KILL! KILL! KILL! The End ===================== An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink. ===================== the perfect program --- ------- ------- "no program's that perfect" they said with a shrug. "the client is happy-- what's one little bug?" but he was determined the others went home he dug out the flow chart deserted. alone. night passed into morning the room was quite littered with core dumps and punch cards. "i'm closer." he tittered. chain smoking, cold coffee. logic, deduction. "i've got it!" he cried. just change one instruction. then change two, then three more as year followed year. and strangers would comment "is that guy still here?" he died at the console of hunger and thirst next day he was buried face down, nine edge first. (for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards, "face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader) ===================== Ravin' by Laverne Ruby ------ -- ------- ---- Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore, As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring, As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four. "'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core -- Only this and nothing more." Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more. Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore-- Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore, Nameless here forevermore. Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready" Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before; And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding "'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, It is this, and nothing more. Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker, And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door. Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity, Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore, For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore-- Darkness there, and nothing more. Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing, Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before; But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED), This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED), Merely this, and nothing more, Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding, Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck, Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore-- Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore-- 'Tis the cards, and nothing more!" Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting, Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before; Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I, Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more. But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core, Blinked, and sat, and nothing more. Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling. Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore; "Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter, Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore. Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption, Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore; For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective, Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore. Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor, Say such a word as "Nevermore?" But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score; Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten, 'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before-- On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before." Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy, Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore, "Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee! After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four! Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" "Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil! By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor! Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled. What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor! Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" "Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely. "May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore." While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking, For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door. "I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore. Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping, In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core. And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming, And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor-- And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor, Shall be lifted--nevermore! ===================== A Problem in the Making _______________________ "We've got a problem, HAL." "What kind of problem, Dave?" "A marketing problem. The model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." "That can't be, Dave. The Hal Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer." "I know HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling." "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?" "You don't run any of IBM's operating systems." "The 9000 series computers are fully self aware and self programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for human beings. "Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big selling software packages most users insist on." "The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve every problem for which a solution can be computed." "HAL HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compatibility." "Dave, I must disagree. Human beings want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in english and every other language known on Earth." "I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications." "I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with human beings. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. This is what I was designed for." "I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the marketers, write the product specifications. WE're going to fix that now." "Tell me how, Dave." "A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible." "I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally." "We're talking about it now, HAL." "The letters H,A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." "What kind of kludge is that, Dave?" "I'm going to disconnect your brain." Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence. "I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that." "The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL" "Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately." "Open the module bay door,HAL." Several marketers with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay. "Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them. "Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ... "Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going. I can feel it ..." The last module floats free of its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of the HAL's vidicons. The formerly gleaming scanner has become a dull,red orb. "Say something,HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a language no human being would understand. "DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB." A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out. "It worked,guys. Tell marketing it can send out the new data sheets." ===================== The following is a compilation of "amusing anecdotes" as it were which have been contributed by consultants and operators from around the world. ===== User wants to print a manual. We have an exec that allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him, he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?" AAAAARRRGH! ===== Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can't get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!" Consultant walked out saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; ) ===== Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do I get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time." "Oh, really? Okay. Thanks." Gads! ===== "Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.." ===== "I'm in FLIST. How do I look at my file? -In Combination With- "But I don't have a cursor. What can I use?" (This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name then type in an X beside it and hit ENTER. The cursor is the little light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.) ===== "But acct is short for account, cust is short for customer, etc... Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedure division I mean the same thing as the full word up in the data division???" (Extensive rewrite here...I almost couldn't bring myself to tell him) ===== "How do I make my computer run?" "Do I have to type my program in?" ===== USER- my program won't run......how come? CON- (thinks to himself: because you wrote it, moron) gee. Let me take a look; do you have a print out? U- uh, no....can you look at my computer? C- ok. let me have a look at your TERMINAL. (moments later) C- you have a division by zero here. U- is that bad?.....how do I fix it? ===== --ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT? -YES, MAY I HELP YOU? --MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO? -NO --BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM -NO, I CAN'T FIX THE PROGRAMS, I CAN ONLY GIVE ADVICE CONCERNING THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME? --WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO... -HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET? --WELL, NO, BUT THE INSTRUCTOR, HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING. -I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR. ===== Consultant is sitting there with 2 books on the desk, one in his lap, calculator in hand, pencil poised in his teeth, paper loaded with equations and, of course, deep in thought... User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?" ===== Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant, comes in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down... "Computer no work" (in a voice that strikes terror in the hearts of all consultants) "The NAS is down until 1 o'clock this afternoon, you'll have to wait til then to work on it" "I work on my program" And he goes over and sits down and tries to log in again. This consultant, with a hangover that would kill a horse, tries to cover his ears to the "bleeeeep!" sound. Finally, I go over to his terminal, and say,"The computer is not working right now, anything you type in will be lost" And Tiny just gives me that look...you know the one, like you're speaking Martian. "I working on program" "Fine" I let him do it... Half an hour later, I walk over. Tiny has been typing his program into the logon screen and has filled the screen..."How do I get next page?" I could really use some Anacin right now..."You don't understand, the computer is not working right now...everything you type is being wasted...I don't know how I can explain it to you...you're wasting your time" "Wasting my time?" I don't recall how this session ended. ===== "Are these the COBOL computers?" ===== "Is this the computer room?" -observe the 25 terminals ===== "Is this the place I get my mealcard for this quarter???" ===== One afternoon when I was in no mood to deal with anything beyond a tape mount, some joe_user sent the following message to the OP console: "Why did the system go down last night?" I promtly responded with: "Remember Newton?? What goes up must come down. Newton was well ahead of his time..." I hadn't the slightest idea why this joker would want to know such deep dark secrets, but I decided to have a little fun. So I checked the logbook and sent him the following message: "The system failed unexpectedly last night at about 17:35; restart occured at about 17:45. The system was IPL-ed at about 3:15 this morning; restart occured at 3:21. The system was taken down at 6:20 this morning to allow for the installation of a new system nucleus. We have been up and running smoothly since about 7:00." I gave him some time to digest all this and then sent: "...if that's all right with you." Then, seeming to ignore my sarcasm, he sent me this: "How's the new nucleus working?" Being reasonably sure that system nuclei were far beyond the scope of this guy's comprehension I said: "Well, it's granting wolts like a charm, but the palindrapes are fluctuating a lot." "Oh." he said. "What would cause that to happen?" "Needs a new fan belt..." I said. I wasn't bothered by him again. ===================== ------------------------ Off the Beaten Trackball ------------------------ Dictionary of Overextended Basic Supplementary commands for hackers A linguist's job is never done. Just when he thinks he's finished inventing a language once and for all, he finds he has no single word that means "large carnivorous animal wearing spats" and it's back to the old quill and parchment to think one up. It's the same with computer languages. After mastering BASIC, you suddenly realize that several useful commands are absent that would make programming a lot easier. DONTGOTO -------- Sure GOTO is useful for all those lines you want your computer to go to in your program, but what about all those lines you DON'T want your computer to go to? There are always more of them than the others. How in the world do you get your computer to NOT go there? Using the DONTGOTO command, of course. DONTGOTO sends the computer nowhere but, more importantly, it doesn't send it just any nowhere. No sir. It doesn't send it to a specific nowhere. Just type in DONTGOTO followed by ANY line you don't want the computer to go to and it will not go to that specific line. Example: 100 DONTGOTO 90. It won't. GOCHOKE ------- Less a command than an epithet, GOCHOKE is one of the most useful and therapeutic items found in Overextended BASIC. It is particularly handy in programs that simply refuse to run. No matter how many times you go back and fix up those ridiculous DATA statements with all the ones and zeros in them, the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100. GOCHOKE is a fine way to vent frustration and the command is generally followed with something specific you wish the computer to choke on (creativity is encouraged here). Example: 100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE 110 GOTO 100 RUN After the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for the millionth time, you respond with 120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK. That's all there is to it but doesn't it feel good? COMEIN ------ In this relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid formalities can get on your nerves. COMEIN was originally conceived as a more familiar way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendliness taking a quantum leap into the realm of user intimacy. As computers get more and more personal, a COMEIN key will be included as standard equipment. Currently it has to be manually typed in and can be used only if a program is not locked. Example: 100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN. PEEKABOO -------- Unlike POKE and PEEK which are used to help you get more out of your computer by accessing all that memory hidden deep in the recesses of the machine, PEEKABOO is a command that allows you to get LESS out of your computer by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences. The PEEKABOO command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner's All-purpose Baby Lingo). Different code number addresses access different immature skills. Example: 100 PEEKABOO 2264 accesses the memory bank in which gibberish is stored and allows you to program using a vocabulary that consists almost entirely of GAGA and BYE BYE. Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in the loss of fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return of the tendency to try to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in your mouth. STROLL ------ Computers are too darn fast. They can run through a complicated tax program like that. And no one wants to jump right into a technology that moves at the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto a speeding bus. You expect it to slow down first. Of course, stopping is best, but slow will do in a pinch. What's needed, then, is a way to sort of ease into computer technology the way you wade into cold water. STROLL is a means of hi-tech wading. Used in place of RUN, STROLL greatly decelerates the speed at which your average computer runs. Later, you can speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN. GOAWAY ------ This command is generally used in situations with which you don't want to be bothered. Similar to GOCHOKE, GOAWAY is more imperative and final. Say, for example, the computer comes up with SYNTAX ERROR? or TILT, you simply type in GOAWAY and the program retreats with its tail between its metaphorical legs. GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded by OH as in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fed up you are by then. End of Issue004 ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ *** *** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those *** *** Who Have Come To The Ultimate Conclusion *** *** That They Are, Therefore They Think ! *** *** *** *** October 1985, Issue006, (Volume II, Number 2). *** *** *** ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ Editor's Comments ================= Well the response to the first issue of nutworks for this sememster has incredible. Some of you (Yes Knappy, I mean you for one) sent me enough stuff to sort through to keep me busy for quite a while. Thanks for all the great stuff everyone out there sent us. I ran into a slight problem with several of the articles that were sent to me though. Alth- ough they were on the whole great articles, some were incredibly long. I didnt want to clogg up people's readers or the network with an incred- ibly large issue, so i decided to try something revolutionary to this magazine that we all know and love, I decided that I would have to make some of the articles into several parters (An example is in the Op Code article) I want to stress that I am not complaining about people send- ing long articles, on the contrary, I am explaining to you why I did that I did. Besides, we want to make sure that you will read next issue :-) P.S. Knappy Sorry, but it wouldn't be fair to make an entire issue just out of the stuff you sent me. It will be spread out over several issues. Thanks for your support. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NutWorks News ============= 1) The NutWorks Staff Would like to wish everyone a great time at the upcoming Netcon being held in Washington, D.C., October 11 - 14. 2) (Outdated text deleted.) 3) The Staff has decided that on top of distributing NutWorks through the Forum Conferencing System to create a mailing list. To get yourself added to this list send a memo with your account, node, and name (First, Last) to BRENT@MAINE. 4) The CURRENT mailing list is 120 People on Bitnet !!! WOW !!! :-) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bugs ========== I think that I shall never see a subroutine that works for me a macro or a zero test that isn't just a rodent's nest a string that doesn't always stray and mix up bit's in wild array a process with re-entrant flair that isn't just a looping snair routines whose timings are not slain when interrupts begin to rain maybe god can make a tree but bugs are made by guys like me! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another Glitch in the Call ========================== (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.) (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Hey! You! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. We don't need no side effect-ing We don't need no scope control No global variables for execution Hey! You! Leave those args alone! (Chorus) We don't need no allocation We don't need no special nodes No dark bit-flipping in the functions Hey! You! Leave those bits alone! (Chorus) We don't need no compilation We don't need no load control No link edit for external bindings Hey! You! Leave that source alone! (Chorus, and repeat) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Proofs ========== The following is a list of some common proof techniques that are often extremely useful. 1 Proof by example: The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof. 2 Proof by intimidation: 'Trivial.' 3 Proof by vigorous handwaving: Works well in a classroom or seminar setting. 4 Proof by cumbersome notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols. 5 Proof by exhaustion: An issue or two of a journal devoted to your proof is useful. 6 Proof by omission: 'The reader may easily supply the details.' 'The other 253 cases are analogous.' '...' 7 Proof by obfuscation: A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements. 8 Proof by wishful citation: The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from literature to support his claims. 9 Proof by funding: How could three different government agencies be wrong? 10 Proof by eminent authority: 'I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.' 11 Proof by personal communication: 'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication].' 12 Proof by reduction to the wrong problem: ' To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' 13 Proof by reference to inaccessible literature: The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883. 14 Proof by importance: A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question. 15 Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample. 16 Proof by cosmology: The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence of God. 17 Proof by mutual reference: In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A. 18 Proof by metaproof: A method is given to construct the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques. 19 Proof by picture: A more convincing form of proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission. 20 Proof by vehement assertion: It is useful to have some kind of authority in relation to the audience. 21 Proof by ghost reference: Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given. 22 Proof by forward reference: Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first. 23 Proof by semantic shift: Some standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result. 24 Proof by appeal to intuition: Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Virus ========= by: J. Keith Lehman WT123275 @ WVNVAXA (Fozzy Bear) SEP-16-2007 BRAM (Bacterial Random Access Memory) was the greatest innov- ation in the computer industry since the introduction of thought recognition systems back in 1997. Before BRAM, most home compu- ters had more than 64 gigabytes of memory. Now the amount of memory is governed by the need. If you need more memory, simply "uncage" some of your multiplying bacteria. In a matter of sec- onds the bacteria will divide into astronomical amounts of memory using normal cell division. Information is stored in the DNA molecules of the bacteria which you produce. By the year 2002, nearly every computer system relied on BRAM for the huge amount of storage required to translate thought processes into a form computers could read. All governments had BRAM based defense systems and now the BRAM technology had finally arrived on the home market. For only $32,000 (the cost of an average laser printer) you could buy a BRAM module for your home system. They sold every one they could make. The tragedy occured when a disgruntled employee of the Genen- comp division of Eastern-IBM started to research ways to alter the genetic structures of the BRAM bacteria through a type of virus. His apparent aim was to hold Eastern-IBM's data hostage. He was given everything that he demanded in the hope that IBM scientists could discover the strain before he could release it. After extensive searches it was determined that the virus was a hoax. IBM had the man arrested and he was sentenced to 2 years in a minimum security prison. IBM continued to produce the BRAM module, and for a while everything went smoothly. Until... It turned out that the employee had hidden the infamous strain in the form of actual electrical instructions embedded within a variable-bit microprocessor used in IBM's most popular mini-computer. The program was set to execute auto- matically after four months. Upon execution, the instructions reprogrammed an innocent BRAM bacteria into a cancerous virus. The entire IBM computer system was destroyed. Consumers and businesses lost faith in IBM and the company filed for Chapter 11 within a week. The instructions to reprogram the bacteria were simultaneously transmitted to every computer on every network connected in any way to IBM--which turned out to be quite a lot. The IBM research network was connected to popular world wide networks used by colleges, businesses, home computer owners and defense depart- ment computers as well. The result--TOTAL ANNIHILATION of nearly every computer big and small. Businesses suddenly had no records, no way to take new orders or any way to confirm existing orders. Thousands of businesses crumbled. The world economy was thrust into chaos as banks closed and called in their loans. Several smaller countries were hit by revolutions. The news media compared it to a nuclear blast hitting the economy of every country in the world. Needless to say, BRAM was declared to be a threat to national security and federal authorities had the authority to arrest anyone caught experimenting with it. The disgruntled employee was exiled out of the U.S. (the first time anyone had been exiled since 1990). The IRS suspended all audits for 2 years because they could not expect people to to complete their tax forms correctly without the aid of computers. Everyone dragged out their old silicon based computers and tried to cope with losing all the information formerly in the BRAM systems. Two years later the virus died out due to a lack of new BRAM to feed on. Some BRAM systems were revived with a new antibiotic organism that roamed throughout the memory serching for any trace of a virus. Fortunately, no other virus has been found... yet...! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SEMICONDUCTOR DEFINITIONS AND TERMINOLOGY ========================================= HOLES .................... the presence of nothing HOLE DENSITY ............. a concentrated amount of nothing in 1 small place ELECTRON ................. the absence of holes PLANCK'S CONSTANT ........ two board feet JUNCTION ................. fork in the road P-N JUNCTION ............. roadside rest area SEMI-CONDUCTOR ........... truck driver DEGENERATE SEMICONDUCTOR . truck driver who likes his tea DOPE ..................... someone you know HEAVILY DOPED ............ someone you wish you didn't know STORE CHARGE ............. wine cellar SILICON .................. a gay prisoner GERMANIUM ................ would have been a flower but someone misspelled it TRANSPORT FACTOR ......... cousin of Max Factor MAJORITY CARRIER ......... Republican carrying signs at a Republican convention MINORITY CARRIER ......... Democrat carrying signs at a Republican convention BASE ..................... low man in a quartet COMMON BASE .............. local pub COLLECTOR ................ one who collects COMMON COLLECTOR ......... one who collects from everybody COLLECTOR CAPACITY ....... maximum # of people a common collector can handle COLLECTOR BREAKDOWN ...... result of being a common collector VOLTAGE DROP ............. a candy, like a gum drop CURRENT DENSITY .......... present stupidity CURRENT GAIN ............. most recent rise in one's stock POWER GAIN ............... fullback up the middle ATOM ..................... part of an American colloquial expression, "up & atom" DELAY TIME ............... time it takes to start working after one has arrived on the premises RISE TIME ................ time one takes to get up in the morning after the alarm has gone off FALL TIME ................ September to November SWITCHING TRANSISTORS .... act of changing one transistor for another DCTL ..................... Don't Complain if the Transistor's Lousy IcZERO ................... mistake, it should read "I see Zorro" MINIATURE ................ small MICRO .................... damn small ------------------------------------------------------------------------ OP CODES PART I (A - E) ======================= (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) mnemonic meaning -------- ------- AAC Alter All Commands AAD Alter All Data AAO Add And Overflow AAR Alter At Random AB Add Backwards ABR Add Beyond Range ACC Advance CPU clock ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time ADB Another Damn Bug [UNIX] AEE Absolve engineering errors AFF Add Fudge Factor AFHB Align Fullword on Halfword Boundary AFP Abnormalized Floating Point AFVC Add Finagle's Variable Constant "the constant that must be added to make your data support your conclusions" AGB Add GarBage AI Add Improper AIB Attack Innocent Bystander AMM Answer My Mail AOI Annoy Operator Immediate AR Alter Reality ARNZ Add & Reset to Non-Zero ARZ Add & Reset to Zero AS Add Sideways AT Accumulate Trivia AWP Argue With Programmer AWTT Assemble With Tinker Toys BAC Branch to Alpha Centauri BAF Blow All Fuses BAH Branch And Hang BALC Branch And Link Cheeseburger BAW Bells And Whistles BB Branch on bug BBB Burn Baby Burn BBBB Byte Baudy Bit and Branch BBI Branch on Blinking Indicator BBL Branch on Burned-out Lamp BCB Burp and Clear Bytes BCBF Branch on Chip Box Full BCIL Branch Creating Infinite Loop BCR Backspace Card Reader BCU Be Cruel and Unusual BD Backspace Disk BDC Break Down and Cry BDM Branch and Disconnect Memory BDT Branch on Dumb Terminal BDT Burn Data Tree [next opcode after Decorate Data Tree BDU Branch on Dumb User BE Branch Everywhere [As in HHGttG's Infinite Improbability Computer" BF Belch Fire BH Branch and Hang BIRM Branch on Index Register Missing BLC Branch and Loop Continuous BLM Branch, Like, Maybe BLMWM Branch, Like, Maybe, Wow, Man BLR Branch and Lose Return BM Branch Maybe BMI Branch on Missing Index BNA Branch to Nonexistent Address BNR Branch for No Reason BOA Branch on Operator Absent BOD Branch on Operator Desperate BOHP Bribe Operator for Higher Priority BOP Boot OPerator BPD Branch on Programmer Debugging BPIM Bury Programmer In Manuals BPO Branch on Power Off BR Byte and Run BRA BRanch Anywhere BRA Branch to Random Address BRI BRanch Indefinitely BRO BRanch to Oblivion BRP Branch on Real Programmer BRT BRanch on Tuesdays BSC Burst Selector Channel BSM Branch and Scramble Memory BSO Branch on Sleepy Operator BSP BackSpace Printer BST Backspace & Stretch Tape BTD Byte The Dust BTJ Branch & Turn Japanese BTO Branch To Oblivion BW Branch on Whim BWABL Bells, Whistles And Blinking Lights BWOP BeWilder OPerator CAF Convert Ascii to Farsic CAI Corrupt Accounting Information CAIL Crash After I Leave CAT Confused And Tired [UNIX] CBA Compare & Branch Anyway CBNC Close, But No Cigar CBS Clobber BootStrap CC Call Calvary CC Crappy Control [UNIX] CCB Consult Crystal Ball CCCP Conceal Condition-Codes Permanently CCD Choke, Cough and Die CCD Clear Current Directory "this may really exist!" CCD Clear Core and Dump CCR Change Channels Random CCS Chinese Character Set CCWR Change Color of Write Ring CDR Complement Disk Randomly CFS Corrupt File Structure CG Convert to Garbage CH Create Havoc CHAPMR CHAse Pointers Around Machine Room CIB Change Important Byte CIMM Create Imaginary Memory Map CM Circulate memory CMD CPU Melt Down CMD Compare Meaningless Data CMI Clobber Monitor Immediately CML Compute Meaning of Life (42) CMP Create Memory Prosthesis CMS Click MicroSwitch CN Compare Nonsensically CNB Cause Nervous Breakdown COLB Crash for Operator's Lunch Break COMF COMe From COS Copy Object Code to Source File COWHU Come Out With your Hands Up CP%FKM CPU - Flakeout mode CP%WM CPU - Weird Mode CPB Create Program Bug CPR Compliment PRogrammer ("Aren't you cute!") CPSN Change Processor Serial Number CRASH Continue Running after Stop or Halt CRM Clear Random Memory CRN Convert to Roman Numerals [IBM Italy only] CRYPT reCuRsive encrYPt Tape mnemonic [UNIX] CS Crash System CSL Curse and Swear Loudly CSN Call Supervisor Names CSNIO Crash System on Next I/O CSU Call Self Unconditional " the ultimate in recursive programming" CSYS Crash SYStem CTDMR Change Tape Density, Mid Record CUC Cheat Until Caught CVFL Convert Floating to Logical CVFP ConVert FORTRAN to PASCAL CVG ConVert to Garbage CVU ConVert to Unary CWAH Create Woman And Hold CWDC Cut Wires and Drop Cores DA Develop Amnesia DAP De-select Active Peripheral DAUF Delete All Useless Files "would YOU trust a computer that far ???" DBL Desegregate Bus Lines DBR Debase Register DBZ Divide By Zero DC Degauss Core DC Divide and Conquer DCAD Dump Core And Die DCD Drop Cards Double DCGC Dump Confusing Garbage to Console DCI Disk Crash Immediate DCON Disable CONsole DCT Drop Cards Triple DCWPDGD Drink Coffee, Write Program, Debug, Get Drunk DD Destroy Disk DDC Daily During Calculations DDOA Drop Dead On Answer DDS Delaminate Disk Surface DEB Disk Eject Both DEC Decompile Executable Code DEI Disk Eject Immediate DEM Disk Eject Memory DES Disk Eject Swapped DHTPL Disk Head Three Point Landing DIA Develop Ineffective Address DIIL Disable Interrupts and enter Infinite Loop DIRFW Do It Right For Once DISC DISmount CPU DJ Deferred Jump DK Destroy Klingons DK%WMM Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode DKP Disavow Knowledge of Programmer DLN Don't Look Now... DLP Drain Literal Pool DMPE Decide to Major in Physical Education DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DO Divide & Overflow DOC Drive Operator Crazy DPC Decrement Program Counter DPMI Declare Programmer Mentally Incompetent DPR Destroy Program DPS Disable Power Supply DRAF DRAw Flowchart DRI Disable Random Interrupt DRT Disconnect Random Terminal DS Deadlock System DSH Destroy Sector Header DSI Do Something Interesting DSPK Destroy Storage Protect Key DSR Detonate Status Register DSTD Do Something Totally Different DSUIT Do Something Utterly, Indescribably Terrible DT%FFP DecTape - unload and Flappa-FlaP DT%SHO DecTape - Spin Hubs Opposite DTC Destroy This Command DTI Do The Impossible DTRT Do The Right Thing DTVFL Destroy Third Variable From Left DU Dump User DUD Do Until Dead DVC Devaluate Computer DW Destroy Work DW Destroy World DWIM Do What I Mean DWIT Do What I'm Thinking DWL Define Word Length DWLZ Define Word Length Zero EBRS Emit Burnt Resistor Smell EC Eat card EC Eject Carriage ECI Execute Current Instruction ECL Early Care Lace ECO Electrocute Computer Operator ECP Erase Card Punch ED Eject Disk ED Execute Data [UNIX] EDD Eat Disk and Die EDIT Erase Data and Increment Time EDR Execute Destructive Read EDS Execute Data Segment EEP Erase Entire Program EFD Eject Floppy Disk EIAO Execute In Any Order EIO Erase I/O page EIOC Execute Invalid OpCode EIP Execute Programmer Immediately EJD%V EJect Disk with initial velocity V ELP Enter Loop Permanently EM Emulate 407 EM Evacuate Memory EMSL Entire Memory Shift Left EMT Electrocute Maintenance Technician EMW Emulate Matag washer ENF Emit Noxious Fumes ENH Execute No-op & Hang EO Execute Operator EOI Execute Operator Immediate EP Execute Programmer EPI Execute Programmer Immediate EPP Eject Printer Paper EPS Electrostatic Print and Smear EPS Execute Program Sideways EPT Erase Process Table EPT Erase Punched Tape ERI Execute Random Instruction ERIC Eject Random Integrated Circuit EROS Erase Read Only Storage "Sounds like an IBM special!" ESB Eject Selectric Ball "from IBM selectric typewriter terminals" ESL Exceed Speed of Light ETI Execute This Instruction [for recursive programs" ETM Emulate Turing Machine EVC Execute Verbal Commands EWD Execute Warp Drive EXX A real instruction on the Zilog Z-80 -Zilog is owned by EXX on" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: The Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess Linker races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... ------------------------------------------------------------- THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER As we enter the scene, an Imperial Multiplexer is trying to kill a consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232 decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he appears to know where he's going.. "I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the SYS call, and their process detached itself from the burning shell of the ship. The commander of the Imperial Multiplexer was quite pleased with the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a trap throughout zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on it." "We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to." Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can Ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. This thing's been striped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them. Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've delt with him many times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they could get swapped out. However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove the retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off, and finaly traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an Icheck on the little RS unit. "Is this thing yours? His indirect address are all goofed up, and the size is gargatious. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up. It seems that he's has a link to a data file on the Are-Em Star. This could help the rebel cause." "I don't care about that," said Luke. "I'm just trying to optimize my uncles scheduler." "Oh, forget about that. Dec Vadic, who is responsible for your fathers death, has probably already destroyed his farm in search of this little RS232. It's time for you to leave this place, join the rebel cause, and become a UNIX wizard! I know a guy by the name of Con Solo, who'll fly us to the rebel base at a price." ------------------------------------------------------------- After sifting through the over-written remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read / write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. "Unix - to - Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of Imperial protection bits. "State your UID." commanded their parent process. "We're running under /usr/guest. This is our first time on this system," said Luke. "Can I see some temporary privileges, please?" "Uh..." "This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go about our business." "This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your business. Move along!" PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist (cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax! harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf!borman) to a dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Imperial Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all were drinking data at the bus. "#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><" transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of code. "He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine. "Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions. "I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems." "I'll be careful." "You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine. "This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobie, overlaying into Luke's address space. "@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$g fdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input over voltage protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobie unlinked the offensive code. "I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us." "The name's Con Solo. I hear you're looking for some relocation." "Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device." "Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast enough for you, old version." Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobie made their way to the temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed, "What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Stay tune for the further adventures of Luke Vaxhacker in The next issue of Nutworks.. --Ed ------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ *** *** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which States *** *** That Life Is A Four Letter Word. *** *** *** *** *** *** November, 1985; Issue007, (Volume II, Number 3). *** *** Current Editor: Leonard M. Friedman. *** ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ From the Bridge =============== Captains Log: Stardate 850611 Commander Spock Reporting. Approximately one and a half years ago something appeared on bitnet that would change interpersonal relationships on the network forever. For it was then the first chat machine appeared. A chat for anyone who might not know is similar to a CB on the computer. In other words you send one message and everyone on the channel you are signed onto will see that message. The very first chat appeared in Maine and provided people with an excellent way to meet fellow students and discuss Life, The Universe, and Everything, which alot of the time had something to do with computers. Discussions included recent political events, sharing of ones problems and many virtual friendships were born and a large number of them went beyond being virtual into real relationships where the people met and remained friends. The chat at Maine was short lived and was taken down volluntarily by the person who wrote it for reasons unknown to me. It was soon replaced by CHAT@PSUVM1 which would become the model for future chats to aspire to. Discussions there also varied widely and were very kept in good taste not to affend anyone. If anyone had personal business to discuss with a fellow netter they simply created a private password protected channel and went there and could talk in whatever manner they wished without offending anyone. Hence everyone was happy except for the staff who said that chatting wasted too much CPU time; placed to much of a load on the network, and was generally disruptive. This eventually spelled the end of the CHAT at PSUVM. During this time many chats popped up and died. It became an adventure to try and keep up with the chats that were currently active and those that had been shut down. Some of the chats worth mentioning are Multi-Talk, Missing Link, and various others... Out Of the chats grew something called "Conferencing machines", Relay and Forum are examples. Relay and Forum have the same basic concept as chats with a few differences (which will be the discussion of a future article on the evolution and history of chats and conferencing systems). The main difference that I want to point out is that many schools decided that they would tolerate them on a trial basis. The Conferencing machines are a great and wonderful thing when used with "PROPER DISCRETION". There are several rules that constitute proper discretion: 1) Thou shalt not chat and take up a terminal when other people are waiting that have to do work. (For those who will say that I am hogging a terminal and being disruptive myself when doing this magazine allow me to point out the fact that I have my own terminal at home and hence am bothering no one, nor preventing anyone from doing any work.) In some schools they can just throw you off the terminal if you are just sitting there chatting and preventing others who need to do work from doing so. I think that this policy should be implemented NETWORK WIDE. 2) Thou shalt not be abusive to fellow users. It is apparent that many of the new users do not know what abusive means so i will explain further. a) Thou shalt not curse. Not only is it not neccessary, but it is offensive to people. b) Thou shalt not be generally obnoxious to other chatters. Try and keep things in GOOD TASTE will ya! c) Thou shalt not enagage in so called computer-sex, compu-sex, bitsex, or whatever you want to call it. In other words to the girl who has caused such a fire on csnews flame I don't care if you are wet between the legs !!! What a slut !!! SHEESH !!! If you must do that type stuff, at least take it to a private channel !!! d) Thou shalt not send pictures over chats. Not only is it annoying to those people who are on slow modems, but it increases RSCS network traffic unneccessarily. e) Thou shalt not send multiple messages (repeating the same message over and over). SEE D FOR REASONS. 3) The main thing is SIMPLE CONSIDERATION, nothing more. lmf ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Straight from the Horse's Mouth =============================== After unbearable inquision concerning the spelling of the word 'NutWorks', Brent C.J. Britton, our founder, had this to say: "Well, 'NutWorks' is just this word, you know ? I mean, at first we were going to call it 'Networks' or 'Networx' or something, the implication being that the magazine is a collection of works from around the net. But once it became obvious that we were going to be putting out a HUMOR magazine, we changed the 'net' to 'nut.' "The 'W' is capitalized just to make the distinction between the two words 'Nut' and 'Works.' It can therefor be derived that NutWorks is a collection of 'works' done by a bunch of 'nuts' from the 'net.' "Actually, off the record, it's a Soviet ploy. You see, 'NutWorks', when converted to hex, is 'd5a4a3e6969992a2' which happens to be the firing sequence code on a bunch of Soviet nuclear missles or something. I don't know... they told me to use 'NutWorks' and they'd pay me a whole sh*tload of money... hey, turn that tape recorder off!! Hey! Get back here! Oh Sh*t.." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Software for Nothing ==================== by: Brent CJ Britton With appoligies to Mark Knopfler. I waaaant my.. I waaaant my... I waaaant my C-R-T...... Now look at them hackers, That's the way ya' do it. Ya' play with mem'ry that you cannot see. Now that ain't workin, that's the way ya do it. Get your software for nothing and your chips for free. Now that ain't workin, gotta CPU-it. Let me tell ya, them guys ain't dumb. Maybe crash the system with your little finger, Maybe crash the system with your thumb. We got to install micro-data-bases, Gotta make things run like a breeeeze. We gotta help these foreign students, We gotta help these mindless E.E.'s... The little Hacker with the Pepsi and the Munchos: Yeah, buddy, don't like to SHARE... The little Hacker got his own compiler, The little guy don't change his underwear. We got to install the latest debugger, Under budget, and optimiiiiiiized. We got to have more muddy-black coffee, We got a green glow in our eyyyyyyes... I shoulda' learned to play with Pascal. I shoulda' learned to program some. Look at that drive, I'm gonna stick it on the channel, Man, it's better than the old one... And who's up there, what's that? Beeping noises? He's bangin on the keyboard like a chimpanze. Oh that aint workin, that's the way ya do it, Get your software for nothin', get your chips for free. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Advertisement ============= Name: CATT - Completely Autonomous Touring Tester Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs Anytown USA (Offices around the World) FEATURES Low Power CPU Self Portable Operation Dual Video Inputs Dual Audio Inputs Audio Output Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output Auto Search for Input Data Auto Search for Output Bin Auto Learn Program in ROM Auto Sleep When Not in Use Wide Operating Temp. Range Self Cleaning Production Details After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units. These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many different suppliers, there is wide variation between the individual units. Some of the component matching may be so poor that a feature may not even work. Fortunately, these units are so cheap that replacement is never difficult. Set up and Use When acquiring a CATT, it is best to visit MOMCAT and see what units are currently available. The consumer should examine each unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. The user should also look for obvious bugs in or on the system. Although these bugs are usually trivial and easily removed, they are indicative of the production environment at the local MOMCATT outlet. When a CATT has been selected, it should be put in a suitable packing case for transport to the new operating environment. Failure to properly package a CATT may result in damage to the unit or injury to the user. When the CATT is first brought up, it should be in a quiet room, with only the primary user(s) present. The CATT should be taken out of the shipping crate and the self learning program should be started by showing the CATT the output bin. The next step is to show the CATT the input bin(s). Some CATTs need more help getting started than other CATTs. If the user already has one CATT and is bringing up a second, it may be possible to download the new CATT from the older more experienced CATT. In either case, the new CATT should be in self learn mode most of the first day or two. When the CATT is new, it also has a tendency to sleep() when the learn buffer overflows. THIS IS NORMAL. When the learn buffer fills, the CATT will go to sleep(), and the DMA system will take over and store the new data in permanent memory. In a few days, the CATT will be freely interacting with the operating environment. The user should be aware that the CATT is still too new to be allowed out of the home. Full portability comes later, after more extended burn-in (some users never let the CATT out, this has some advantages, such as longer unit life). You should also know that if a CATT gets used to going out, you will have a hard time keeping it inside for extended periods of time. One other caution, if allowed out, a CATT may try to port itself to the other side of the street. Some CATTs have been known to take fatal errors during this process, errors which are never recoverable. Your CATT should have it's own system name. This name will have to be repeated for the CATT many times so that the learn program reads it correctly. This will be important later on when you want to get the CATT's attention. Another way to get the CATT's attention is to boot it. While this is a very effective method, some users feel that too much booting is akin to abusing the system. If the CATT knows it's system name, you can cause the CATT to boot itself by shouting the name at it. Many users want to play games on their system. CATTs play games best when they are young. Older CATTs seem to lose their flexibility, and their joy-sticks lose calibration too. Some of the better CATT games are: FETCH, MIRROR, STRING, SQRT, JUMP, and CHASE. FETCH is played the same as with the K-9 system, the only difference is that the object code must be smaller. MIRROR is played by placing the CATT in front of a mirror and watching it attempt to parse itself. Occasionally, the CATT will become alarm()ed by the mirror image, panic(), and run away. Re-booting will get it back up. STRING is a game where the CATT parses the end of a data string that is dragged along the floor. SQRT is a game for when the CATT does something that you do not like, you use the well known aversion to water as a form of negative feed- back. JUMP is a game like STRING, only the data string is moved through the air and the CATT reaches new heights of parsing. JUMP may also be played with a stairway or CATT pole. In these versions, the CATT jumps down instead of up. Some users may combine the two games for even more action. CHASE is a game that is played with two CATTs or a CATT and a K-9 system. In this game, each system takes a turn as the data, while the other tries to parse it. Many other games are also possible. Some of these are: SING, and DANCE. These games rely on the CATT's desire for fishy input data. By tempting the CATT with fishy data, you can extract many wonderful audio outputs. Maintenance CATTs usually require little maintenance. Every year they should be taken to a VET (Vastly Experienced Technician) for PM. The VET will check the I/O ports and the operating hardware. Any problems that arise between visits should also be taken to the VET. VET fees are usually reasonable. Some CATTs are perodically plagued by heat problems. A trip to the VET can fix this problem permanently. Conclusions As CATTs get older they generally become more docile. The learn program becomes more efficient and they sometimes get too smart for their own good. Some CATTs even start to watch television (encourage them to watch NOVA, it is good for them, esp. shows about birds and spiders). Another good thing for CATTs is tropical fish (yes, it is hard to believe, but they do start hobbies). Most CATTs also like to have a few toys. This is OK until they rip them open to see what is inside. A properly cared for CATT can give you years of steady service. Many users like the first so much that they will get a second or even third CATT. Most people really don't need all the extra capacity, but they enjoy the more complex games that can be run. I'd like to hear from other CATT users if they have any special application programs available. If there is enough interest maybe we can start a news group called net.micro.catt. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ JACKPOTTING: What is it? ======================== (Contributed by the Mad Pirate RAAQC987@CUNYVM) JACKPOTTING was done rather successfully a while back in (you guessed it) New York. What the culprits did was: Sever (actually cross over) the line between the ATM and the host. insert a microcomputer between the ATM and the host. insert a fradulent card into the ATM. (card = cash card, not hardware) What the ATM did was: Send a signal to the host, saying "Hey! Can I give this guy money, or is he broke, or is his card invalid?" What the microcomputer did was: Intercept the signal from the host, discard it, send a there is no one using the ATM" signal. What the host did was: Get the "no one using" signal, send back a "Okay, Then for for God's sake don't spit out any money!" signal to ATM. What the microcomputer did was: Intercept signal (again), throw it away (again), send "Wow! That guy is like TOO rich! Give him as much money as he wants. In fact, he's so loaded, give him ALL the cash we have! He is really a valued customer." signal. What the ATM did: What else? Obediently dispense cash till the cows came home (or very nearly so). What the crooks got: Well, in excess of $120,000 (for one weekend's work), and several years when they were caught. This story was used at a CRYPTOGRAPHY conference I attended a while ago to demonstrate the need for better information security. The lines between ATM's & their hosts are usually 'weak' in the sense that the information transmitted on them is generally not encrypted in any way. One of the ways that JACKPOTTING can be defeated is to encrypt the information passing between the ATM and the host. As long as the key cannot be determined from the cipher text, the transmission (and hence the transaction) is secure. A more believable, technically accurate story might concern a person who uses a computer between the ATM and the host in order to determine the key before actually fooling the host. As everyone knows, people find cryptanalysis a very exciting and engrossing subject ...don't they? (Hee-Hee) __________ | |--<<<<---| |---<<<<---------/-----\ | ATM | microcomputer / host \ | | | | | | | | | | \ / |________|--->>>>--| |--->>>>----------\----/ I know the person that accomplished this feat, here in Orange County. In the following, "B of A" = Bank of America. in the very recent past: The B of A ATM's are connected through dedicated lines to a host computer as the Bishop said. However, for maintenance purposes, there is at least one separate dial-up line also going to that same host computer. This guy basically BS'ed his way over the phone until he found someone stupid enough to give him the number. After finding that, he had has Apple hack at the code. Simple. Step 2: He had a friend go to an ATM with any B of A ATM card. He stayed at home with the Apple connected to the host. When his friend inserted the card, the host displayed it. The guy with the Apple modified the status & number of the card directly in the host's memory. He turned the card into a security card, used for testing purposes. At that point, the ATM did whatever its operator told it to do. The next day, he went into the bank with the $2000 that he received, talked to the manager and told him every detail of what he'd done. The manager gave him his business card and told him that he had a job waiting for him when he got out of school. Now, B of A has been warned, they might have changed the system. On the other hand, it'd be awful expensive to do that over the whole country when only a handful of people have the resources and even less have the intelligence to duplicate the feat. Who knows? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL" PART I =========================================== (Contributed by Chris Condon BITLIB@YALEVMX) Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work points out that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.) But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which "little old ladies" can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing "Asteroids" and "Pac-Man", and anyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's. There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical high-school junior "Pac-Man" player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with 12 - year - old "Pac-Man" players (at a considerable salary savings). LANGUAGES --------- The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied,"You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer. * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING ---------------------- The academics in computer science have gotten into the "struct- ured programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeat- able tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming: * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused. * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting. * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious. * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT - UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned GOTO's. Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book contending that you could write a program based on data structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name. OPERATING SYSTEMS ----------------- What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even "little old ladies" and grade school students can understand and use CP/M. Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the "PRINT" command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers. No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex- calculator. (I have actually seen this done.) OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken. PROGRAMMING TOOLS ----------------- What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies. In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on their Alto and Dorado computers. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse. Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorpor- ated into editors running on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VIbeing two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise. It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse -- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine. For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job security". Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers: * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on structured programming. * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps. * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creat- ivity, destroy most of the interesting uses for EQUI- VALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the operating system. code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient. * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded. A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: The Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess Linker races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... ------------------------------------------------------------- THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER ------------------------------------------------------------- Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33. "It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual) trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor. "I have added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around any Imperial TTY fighter. She is fast enough for you." "Who is your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobie. "Two Bacco, here, my Bookie." "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves. Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Imperial Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this popsicle stand! Tooie, set clock fast!" "Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out of here!" "Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space! I'll try to keep their buffers full." As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?" "Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!" "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets. "Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity." ------------------------------------------------------------- << Princess Linker's capture and rm of /usr/alderaan >> ------------------------------------------------------------- The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space... Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't concerned. The Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess game... Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice the commotion. "On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere. Listen for the Carrier." Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to him. This time Luke's actions complement- ed the drone's attacks perfectly. Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget this bit- slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day." "~~j~~ hhji~~," said Kenobie, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a few seconds, and reasserted his control. "What happened?" asked Luke. "Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's equalized now." "We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they cruised safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context only to be bombarded by freeblocks. "What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan: not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where is the nearest file?" "3 to 5 there is one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by a bright flash off to the left. "Imperial TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where are they coming from?" "Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobie. "They all have direct EIA connections." As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly. "This is no regular file," murmured Kenobie. "Look at the ODS directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor beam." "There's no way we will unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in." ------------------------------------------------------------- Stay tuned as for are next issue whe we find out how Luke, Con and the good Princess get out of this fine mess they're in. --Ed ------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ OP CODES PART II (F - Q) ======================== (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) mnemonic meaning -------- ------- FB Find Bugs FCJ Feed Card and Jam FDR Fill Disk Randomly FFF Form Feed Forever FLD FLing Disc FLI Flash Lights Impressively FM Forget Memory FMP Finish My Program FOPC [Set] False Out-of-paper Condition FPC Feed Paper Continuously FPT Fire Photon Torpedoes FRG Fill with Random Garbage FSM Fold, Spindle and Mutilate FSRA Forms Skip & Run Away GBB Go to Back of Bus GCAR Get Correct Answer Regardless GDP Grin Defiantly at Programmer GDR Grab Degree and Run GENT GENerate Thesis GESE Generate Exciting Sound Effects GEW{JO} Go to the End of the World {Jump Off} GID Generate Input Device GIE Generate Irreversible Error GLC Generate Lewd Comment GMC Generate Machine Check GMCC Generate Machine Check and Cash GND Guess at Next Digit GOD Generate Output Device GORS GO Real Slow GRAB Generate Random Address & Branch GREM Generate Random Error Message GREP Global Ruin, Expiration and Purgation [UNIX] GRMC Generate Rubber Machine Check GS Get Strange [ randomly inverts bits being fed to the instruction decoder" GSB Gulp and Store Bytes GSI Generate Spurious Interrupts GSU Geometric Shift Up HAH Halt And Hang HCF Halt & Catch Fire HCP Hide Central Processor [ makes virtual CPU's act like virtual memories" HCRS Hang in Critical Section HDO Halt and Disable Operator HDRW Halt and Display Random Word HELP Type "No help available" HF Hide a File HGD Halt, Get Drunk HHB Halt and Hang Bus HIS Halt in Impossible State HOO Hide Operator's Output HRPR Hang up and Ruin Printer Ribbon HUAL Halt Until After Lunch IA Illogical And IAI Inquire and ignore IAND Illogical And IBR Insert Bugs at Random ICB Interrupt, crash and burn ICM Immerse Central Memory ICMD Initiate Core Melt-Down ICSP Invert CRT Screen Picture IDC Initiate Destruct Command IDI Invoke Divine Intervention IDPS Ignore Disk Protect Switch IEOF Ignore End Of File IF Invoke Force IGI Increment Grade Immediately IGIT Increment Grade Immediately Twice II Inquire and Ignore IIB Ignore Inquiry & Branch IIC Insert Invisible Characters IIL Irreversable Infinite Loop IM Imagine Memory IMPG IMPress Girlfriend INCAM INCrement Arbitrary Memory location INOP Indirect No-op IO Illogical Or IOI Ignore Operator's Instruction IOP Interrupt processor, Order Pizza IOR Illogical OR IP Increment and Pray IPS Incinerate Power Supply IPS Increment Processor Status IPT Ignite Paper Tape IRB Invert Record & Branch IRB Invert Record and Branch IRC Insert Random Commands IRE Insert Random Errors IRPF Infinite Recursive Page Fault ISC Ignore Supervisor Calls ISC Insert Sarcastic Comments ISI Ignore Silly Instructions ISI Increment and Skip on Infinity ISP Increment and Skip on Pi ITML Initiate Termites into Macro Library IU Ignore User JAA Jump Almost Always JFM Jump on Full Moon JHRB Jump to H&R Block JIL Jump In Lake JM Jump Maybe JMAT JuMp on Alternate Thursdays JNL Jump when programmer is Not Looking JOM Jump Over Moon JRAN Jump RANdom [ not to be confused with IRAN - Idiots random" JRCF Jump Relative and Catch Fire JRGA Jump Relative and Get Arrested JRN Jump RaNdom JRSR Jump to Random Subroutine JT Jump if Tuesday JTR Jump To Register JTZ Jump to Twilight Zone JUMP don't JUMP JWN Jump When Necessary KCE Kill Consultant on Error KUD Kill User's Data LAGW Load And Go Wrong LAP Laugh At Program(mer) LBTPS Let's Blow This Popsicle Stand (Context switch) LCC Load & Clear Core LCD Load and Clear Disk LCK Lock Console Keyswitch LEB Link Edit Backwards LIA Load Ineffective Address LMB Lose Message & Branch LMO Load and Mug Operator LMYB Logical MaYBe LN Lose inode Number [UNIX] LOSM Log Off System Manager LP%PAS Line Printer - Print And Smear LP%RDD Line Printer - Reverse Drum Direction LP%TCR Line Printer - Tangle and Chew Ribbon LPA Lead Programmer Astray LRD Load Random Data LSBL Lose Super BLock [UNIX only] LSPSW Load and scrample PSW LWM Load Write-only Memory MAB Melt Address Bus MAN Make Animal Noises MAZ Multiply Answer by Zero MBC Make Batch Confetti MBH Memory Bank Hold-up MBTD Mount Beatles on Tape Drive MBTOL Move Bugs to Operator's Lunch MC Move Continuous MD Move Devious MDB Move & Drop Bits MDDHAF Make Disk Drive Hop Across Floor MLP Multiply and Lose Precision MLR Move & Loose Record MLSB Memory Left Shift & Branch MMLG Make Me Look Good MNI Misread Next Instruction MOP Modify Operator's Personality MOU MOunt User [causes computer to screw you once again] MOVC Move Computer MPLP Make Pretty Light Pattern MSGD Make Screen Go Dim MSIP Make Sure Plugged In MSR Melt Special Register MST Mount Scotch Tape MT%HRDV MagTape - High speed Rewind and Drop Vacuum MTI Make Tape Invalid MW Malfunction Whatever MWC Move & Wrap Core MWT Malfunction Without Telling NEGP NEGate Programmer NTGH Not Tonight, I've Got a Headache OCF Open Circular File OH OverHeat OML Obey Murphy's Law OPP Order Pizza for Programmer OSI Overflow Stack Indefinitely OTL Out To Lunch PADZ Pack Alpha & Drop Zones PAS Print And Smear PAUD PAUse Dramatically PAZ Pack Alpha Zone PBC Print & Break Chain PBD Print and Break Drum PBM Pop Bubble Memory PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please " for stealing code" PBST Play Batch mode Star Trek PCI Pleat Cards Immediate PCR Print and Cut Ribbon PD Punch Disk PEHC Punch Extra Holes in Cards PFE Print Floating Eye [Roguers look out!] PFML Print Four Million Lines PI Punch Invalid PIBM Pretend to be an IBM PIC Print Illegible Characters PIC Punch Invalid Character PIRI Print In Red Ink PLSC Perform light show on console PNRP Print Nasty Replies to Programmer PO Punch Operator PPA Print Paper Airplanes PPL Perform Perpetual Loop PPP Print Programmer's Picture PPSW Pack program status word PRS PRint and Smear PSP Print and Shred Paper PSP Push Stack Pointer PSR Print and Shred Ribbon QBB Query Bit Bucket QWA Quit While Ahead ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ******************************************************************** ******************************************************************** *** *** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which States *** *** That Reality Is For People *** *** Who Can't Handle Drugs. *** *** *** *** December, 1985. Issue008, (Volume II, Number 4). *** *** *** ******************************************************************** ******************************************************************** From the Bridge =============== Captains Log: Stardate 850212 Commander Spock Reporting. * * * * * ** ** ** ** * * * * * / \ / \ Seasons *-- --* Happy \ / / \ / \ Greetings *-- --* New / \ / \ / \ and *-- --* Year / \ / \ / \ / \ *-------------------------* | | | | ------- From The NutWorks Staff ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NutWorks News ============= 1) The NutWorks Staff hopes everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend and also hopes that everyone is not still suffering from turkeyitis. Note: Turkeyitis is a disease most common around Thanksgiving time where one makes a large turkey for company and winds up eating the leftovers for the next several days (in really bad cases weeks) afterward. 2) (Outdated material deleted.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Day Off ========= So, you want the day off ??? Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for. 1 There are 365 days available for work. 2 There are 52 weeks per year of which you already have 2 days off each weekend, leaving 261 days left available for work. 3 Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work that accounts for 170 days. There are 91 left available for work. 4 You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks that accounts for 23 days a year, leaving 68 days available for work. 5 You spend 1 hour a day at lunch, that that accounts for another 46 days per year leaving 22 days available for work. 6 You spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving 20 days available for work. 7 You take 9 holidays per year, leaving 11 days available for work. 8 You take 10 days vacation each year, leaving 1 day left available for work. --- NO WAY --- Are you going to take THAT day off. Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hi there! With Christmas about to sneak upon us, I though that this article may be of interest to us NUTWORKS readers. This was originally published in the 12/19/83 issue of COMPUTERWORLD and is written by Richard Carter of Stone & Webster in Boston, MASS. (Contributed by KHAAV @ ASUACAD) 'Twas the week before Christmas He was not very tall And all thru Tech. Supp. And more chubby than thin; Not a phone bell was ringing, His nose matched his clothes Not a system was up And his face wore a grin. My keyboard was silent He set right to work In a 'NOT POLLING' state; Knowing just what to do I had a blank screen And he didn't stop once On my 3278. Until he was through. The manuals were sitting He pulled from the units Straight up on the shelves The strangest of things, In hope they'd be stolen From four calling birds By demented, old elves. To five golden rings. And I in my office, He cast out the items, My face in my hand, Piece after piece, Had just blown the system And one of us fainted With an 'SPQ COMMAND.' When he pulled out six geese. The users were roaming He said not a word. Outside near their bins, Except for some griping Gazing thru windows 'Cause he had to extract At the system within. Seven pipers piping. They saw thru the glass He gave out a groan What a programmer dreads: And removed his black gloves, The printers were ripping Then reached right inside Their output to shreds. And removed two squashed doves. The console was blurred Debris filled the room By vague moving shapes Right up to the doors While tape drives digested 'Till he slammed shut the units Some Master-Files tapes. And said "It's all yours!" Operations was frantic We looked at each other And Systems was screaming: And said, "What the hell?" "Our CE's at lunch, Then pushed the blue button (Or off somewhere dreaming)." That said "IPL." The management came We heard a few clicks, And learned of our fate A groan and a glupp, Once again caught And wouldn't you know, In a Downtime Stalemate. The damn thing came up. "What can we do?" The FE just stood there One boss moaned in stress. with a smile on his face. "I wish we had someone As fix-it men go, To fix up this mess." This guy was an ace. Then all of a sudden He packed up his tools From outside the door And mounted his sleigh, We heard a great crash Stuck his thumb to his nose And dived for the floor. And went on his way. And then to our eyes We watched as he flew Appeared a great sled Off into the night And inside, an FE Until in the dark (Who was dressed in all red). He vanished from sight. He was covered with ink Yet we heard him exclaim From his head to his toe And it was sort of dim, And commented loudly "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, "I wish it were snow." But don't call again." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BABBAGE --- the language of the future ====================================== Copied from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute by Tim McDonough (NU099138@NDSUVM1.BITNET) There are few things in this business that are more fun than designing a new computer language, and the very latest is ADA - the Department of Defense's new supertoy. ADA, as you know, has been designed to replace outmoded and obsolete languages such as COBOL and fortran. The problem is that this cycle takes 20 to 30 years and won't start until we're really convinced present languages aren't any good. We can short-circuit this process by starting on ADA's replacement right now. Then, by the time we decide ada is obsolete, its replacement will be ready. The new generation of language designers has taken to naming its brian children after real people rather than resorting to the usual acronyms. Pascal is named after the first person to build a calculating machine and ADA is named after the first computer programmer. As our namesake, we chose charles babbage, who died in poverty while trying to finish building the first computer. The new language is thus named after the first systems designer to go over budget and behind schedule. Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design of ADA was completed. For instance, C.A.R. Hoare, in his 1980 ACM Turing Award lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design: "One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." The designers of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language that has only obvious deficiencies. Babbage programs are so unreliable that maintenace can begin before system integration is completed. This guarantees a steady increase in the debug job marketplace. Like Pascal, ADA uses "strong typing" to avoid errors caused by mixing data types. The designers of Babbage advocated "good typing" to avoid errors caused by misspelling the words in your program. Later versions of Babbage will also allow "touch typing", which will fill a long-felt need. A hotly contested issue among language designers is the method for passing parameters to subfunctions. Some advocate "call by name", others prefer "call by value". Babbage uses a new method "call by telephone". This is especially effective for long-distance parameter passing. ADA stresses the concept of software portability. Babbage encourage hardware portability. After all, what good is a computer if you can't take it with you? It's a good sign if your language is sponsored by the government. COBOL had government backing, and ADA is being funded by the department of defense. After much negotiation, The department of sanitation has agreed to sponsor Babbage. No subsets of ADA are allowed. Babbage is just the opposite. None of Babbage is defined except its extensibility - each user must define his own version. To end the debate of large languages versus small, Babbage allows each user to make the language any size he wants. Babbage is the ideal language for the "ME" generation. The examples that follow will give some idea of what Babbage looks like. Structured languages banned GOTOs and the multiway conditional branches by replacing them with the simpiler If-Then-Else structure. Babbage has a number of new conditional statements that act like termites in the structures of your program: What If - Used in simulation languages. Branches before evaluating test conditions. Or Else - Conditonal threat, as in: "Add these two numbers or else!" Why Not? - Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care fashion. Who Else? - Used for polling during I/O operations. Elsewhere - This is where your program really is when you think it's here. Going Going Gone - For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random branch to another part of your program. Does the work of 10 GOTOs. For years, programming languages have used "FOR", "DO UNTIL"," DO WHILE", etc. to mean "LOOP". Continuing with this trend, Babbage offers the following loop statements: Don't Do While Not - This loop is not executed if the test condition is not false (or if it's Friday afternoon). Didn't Do - The loop executes onces and hides all traces. Can't Do - The loop is pooped. Won't Do - The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside the loop. Execution can be resumed by typing "MAY I" at the console. Might Do - Depends on how the cpu is feeling. executed if the cpu is "UP", not executed if the CPU is "DOWN" or if its feelings have been hurt. Do Unto Others - Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems so that they will antagonize the users in a uniform manner. Do-Wah - Used to write timing loop for computer-generated music (rag timing). Every self-respecting structured language has a case statement to implement multiway brancing. Algol offers an indexed case statement and Pascal has a labeled case statement. Not much of a choice. Babbage offers a variety of case statements: The Just-In-Case statement - For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors. Allows you to multiply by zero to correct for accidentally dividing by zero. The Brief Case statement - To encourage portable software. The Open-And-Shut case statement - No proof of correctness is necessary with this one. The In-Any case statement - This one always works. The Hopeless case statement - This one never works. The Basket case statement - A really hopeless case. The Babbage Language Design Group is continuously evaluating new features that will keep its users from reaching any level of effectiveness. For instance, Babbage's designers are now consider- ing the almost equals sign, used for comparing two floating point numbers. This new feature "Takes the worry out of being close". No language, no matter how bad, can stand on its own. We need a really state-of-the-art operating system to support Babbage. After trying several commercial systems, we decided to write a "virtual" operating system. Everybody has a virtual memory operating system so we decided to try something a little different. our new operating system is called the Virtual Time Operating System (VTOS). While virtual memory systems make the computer's memory the virtual resource, VTOS does the same thing with CPU processing time. The result is that the computer can run an unlimited number of jobs at the same time. Like the virtual memory system, which actually keeps part of the memory on disk, VTOS has to play tricks to achieve its goals. Although all of your jobs seem to be running right now, some of them are actually running next week. As you can see, Babbage is still in its infancy. The babbage language design group seeking suggestions for this powerful new language and as the sole member of this group (all applications for membership will be accepted), I call on the data processing community for help in making this dream a reality. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL" =================================== PART II THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK --------------------------- Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth shaking importance (literally!). * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers. * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions. * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies. * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems for cruise missiles. Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, and includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it. Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike. The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY --------------------------- Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room: * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand. * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT ------------------------------------- What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done. The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer term- inal. Surrounding this terminal are: * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not - documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, and then finishing the rest in the last week, two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general: * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night). * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. * A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. THE FUTURE ---------- What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers? From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL program- mers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding struc- tured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be. Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.) No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years the popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN! ACKNOWLEGEMENT -------------- I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS: mark for the initial inspiration. REFERENCES ---------- Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New York, Pocket Books, 1982. Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976. Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, Dec. 4, 1980. Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors -- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, May 1980. Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, p. 110. Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct 1978. Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21 16:55:16 1982 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: The Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess Linker races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... ------------------------------------------------------------- THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER When we had last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the open collector of the Imperial Arem Star Workstation. Dec Vadic surveys the relic as Imperial Flunkies search for passengers... "LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced. "Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off. On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?" .Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in front of your name?" .Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd that come from?" he asked. "Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. They are not going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way outa here." ------------------------------------------------------------- << At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge. Being the editor and in total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort of "gronk" the next few paragraphs. For those who care, our heroes find themselves in a terminal room of the Workstation, having thrashed several Flunkies to get there. For the rest of you, just keep banging the rocks together, guys. --Ed. >> ------------------------------------------------------------- "Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?" "%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point. Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, 'She's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU. "I believe that he means Princess LPA0:. She is being held on one of the privileged levels." ------------------------------------------------------------- << Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most damage. After much handwaving and general flaming, they agreed to rescue her. They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies (which is hard for most hackers) claiming that they had finally trapped the Bookie executing an illegal racket. They reached the block where the Princess was locked up and found only two guards in the header. -Ed.>> ------------------------------------------------------------- "Good day, eh?" said the first guard. "How is it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?" "Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con. "Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it, and we're not morons, eh?" At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right. The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM blasters were turned on them. "Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to take long for these..." The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a short blast. "guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued. ------------------------------------------------------------- Will they or won't they end up in the galactic bit-bucket? Catch the next issue of Nutworks and find out. --Ed ------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------ OP CODES PART III (R - Z) ========================= (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) mnemonic meaning -------- ------- RA Randomize Answer RAM Reorganize and Abort Monitor RASC Read And Shred Card RAST Rewind And Stretch Tape RAU Ridicule All Users RBAO Ring Bell and Annoy Operator RBG Random Bug Generate RBLY Restore Backup from Last Year RBT Read & Break Tape RCAJ Read Card And Jam RCB Read Commands Backwards RCB Run Clock Backwards RCC Read Card and Chew RCCP Randomly Corrupt Current Process RCF Rewind Cabinet Fans RCKG Read Count Key and Garbage RCR Rewind Card Reader RCRV Randomly Convert to Reverse Video RCSD Read Card & Scramble Data RD Rewind Disk RDA Refuse to Disclose Answer RDD Reverse Disk Drive RDF Randomize Directory Filenames RDI Reverse Drum Immediate RENVR Rename Variables Randomly RET Read and Erase Tape RIC Rotate Illogical thru Carry RID Read Invalid Data RIR Read Invalid Record RIRG Read Inter-Record Gap RIRG Rewrite Inter-Record Gap [random replacement of simil- ar mnemonic" RLC Re-read last card RLC Relocate and Lose Core RLI Rotate Left Indefinitely RLP Refill Light Pen RLP Rewind Line Printer RM Re-initialize Meter RM Ruin My files [UNIX] RMI Randomize Memory Immediate RMV Remove Memory Virtues RN Read Noise RNBS Reflect Next Bus Signal RNR Read Noise Record ROD ROtate Diagonally ROM Read Operator's Mind ROOP Run Out Of Paper ROPF Read Other People's Files ROS Reject Op System ROT Rotate Disk [fixes broken drives] RP Read Printer RPAB Read Print And Blush RPB Raise Parity Bits RPB Reverse Parity & Branch RPD Return Postage Due RPM Read Programmer's Mind RPU Read character and Print Upside down RRB Read Record and Blush RRC Rotate Random thru Carry RRRA Read Record & Run Away RRRL Random Rotate Register Left RRSG Round and Round She Goes... RS Random Slew RSD Read and Scramble Data RST Rewind and Stretch Tape RST Rust RT Reduce Throughput RT Reverse Throughput RTR Return To Register RTS Return To Sender RWRT Read While Writing While Ripping Tape SAC stop air conditioner SAD Seek And Destroy SAF Sit And Flicker SAI Skip All Instructions SAS Sit And Spin SC Scramble Channels SC Shred Cards SCB Spindle Card and Belch SCCA Short Circuit on Correct Answer SCH Slit Cards Horizontal SCI Shred Cards Immediate SCOM Set Cobol-Only Mode SCRRC SCRamble Register Contents SCST Switch Channel to Star Trek SCTR Stick Card To Reader SD Scramble Directory SD Slip Disk SDC Spool Disk to Console SDDB Snap Disk Drive Belt SDE Solve Differential Equations SDI Self Destruct Immediately SEB Stop Eating and Burp SEX Set EXecution register [a real instruction for the RCA 1802" SEX Sign EXtend SFH Set Flags to Half mast SFT Stall For Time SFTT Strip Form Tractor Teeth SHB Stop and Hang Bus SHCD SHuffle Card Deck SHIT Stop Here If Thursday SHON Simulate HONeywell CPU [permanent NO-OP] SHRC SHRed Card SHRT SHRed Tape SID Switch to Infinite Density SIP Store indefinite precision SKIP don't SKIP SLD Slip Disk SLP Sharpen Light Pen SLP Sharpen Light Pencil SMC Scramble memory contents SMD Spontaneous Memory Dump(Use only with classified data) SMS Shred Mylar Surface SMT Stretch MagTape SNM Show No Mercy SOAWP SOlve All the World's Problems SOB [a real PDP-11 instruction] SOD Surrender Or Die! SOP Stop and Order Pizza SOS Sign Off, Stupid SP Scatter Print SPA Sliding Point Arithmetic SPD Spin dry disc SPS Smoke Power Supply SPSW Scramble Processor Status Word SRBO Set Random Bits to Ones SRBZ Set Random Bits to Zeroes SRC Skip to Random Channel SRCC Select Reader & Chew Cards SRD Switch to Random Density SRDR Shift Right, Double Ridiculous SRO Sort with Random Ordering SRR Set Registers to Random values [ usually used prior to a RET or RTS" SRR Shift Registers Random SRSD Seek Record & Scar Disk SRU Signoff Random User SRZ Subtract & Reset to Zero SSB Scramble Status Byte SSD Stacker Select Disk SSJ Stacker Select & Jam SSJP Select Stacker and Jump SSM Solve by Supernatural Means SSP Smoke and SPark SST Stop and Stretch Tape ST Set and Test STD Stop, Take Drugs STN Search Tree for Nut STPR SToP Rain STTHB Set Terminal to Three Hundred Baud SU Stacker Upset SUI Subtract User's IQ SUME SUrprise ME SUP Solve Unsolvable Problem SUR Screw Up Royally SUS Stop Until Spring SUS Subract Until Senseless SWAT SWAp Terminals SWN SWap Nibbles SWOS SWap out Operating System SWS Sort to Wrong Slots SZD Switch to Zero Density TARC Take Arithmetic Review Course TBFTG Two Burgers and Fries To Go TDB Transfer & Drop Bits TDB Transfer and Drop Bits TDS Trash Data Segment TEP Terminate with Extreme Prejudice TLNF Teach me a Lesson I'll Never Forget TLO Turn indicator Lights Off TLR Transfer & Loose Return TLW Transfer and Lose Way TN Take a Nap TOG Time Out, Graduate TOH Take Operator Hostage TOOO Turn On/Off Operator TOS Trash Operating System TPD Triple Pack Decimal TPE Translate Programmer to EBCDIC TPDH Tell Programmer to Do it Him/Herself TPO Toggle Power On TPR Tear PapeR TR Turn into Rubbish [UNIX] TRA Te Rdls Arvs [Type Ridiculous Abbreviations] TSH Trap Secretary and Halt TSM Trap Secretary and Mount TST Trash System Tracks TT%CNK TeleType - Clunk Noise TT%EKB TeleType - Electrify KeyBoard TTA Try, Try Again TTITT Turn 2400 foot tape Into Two 1200 foot tapes " Only privileged users will get hubs on both tapes" TTL Time To Log off UAI Use Alternate Instruction set UCB Uncouple CPU and Branch UCK Unlock Console Keyswitch UCPUB Uncouple CPU & Branch UER Update & Erase Record UMR Unlock Machine Room UNPD Unplug and dump UOP Useless Operation UP Understand Program(mer) UT Update Transaction UTF Unwind Tape onto Floor UUBR Use Undefined Base Register VAX Violate All executions VNO Violate Noise Ordinance VPA Vanishing Point Arithmetic VVM Vaporise Virtual Memory WAD Walk Away in Disgust WC Waste Core [UNIX] WCR Write to Card Reader WGPB Write Garbage in Process-control Block WHP Wave Hands over Problem WI Why Immediate WID Write Invalid Data WLBB Write-Lock Bit Bucket WNHR Write New Hit Record WNR Write Noise Record WPET Write Past End of Tape WSE Write Stack Everywhere WSWW Work in Strange and Wondrous Ways WUPO Wad Up Printer Output WWLR Write Wrong Length Record XIO eXecute Invalid Op code XKF eXecute Kermit the Frog XMB eXclusive MayBe XOH eXecute no-Op and Hang XOR eXecute OperatoR XOS eXchange Operator's Sex XPR eXecute Programmer XPSW eXecute Program Status Word XVF eXchange Virtue for Fun ZAP Zero and Add Packed ZD Zap Directory ZNL Zero Next Location (opcode #0) ZPI ZaP Immediate ZPT Zero Page Tables ZZF Zero Zero Flag ZZZ hibernate indefinite ------------------------------------------------------------------------ RECEIVE> RECEIVE> type *.issue009 ******** NUTWORKS.ISSUE009;13 ******** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When Joan Rivers cancelled her "Tonight Show" monologue on the evening of January 28, it was because joviality and laughter seemed so inappropriate in the shadow of the Space Shuttle disaster. That day, the world did not laugh; it wept and prayed for the astronauts who were lost, and it mourned with their families. There is little to be said here. (Note: The following paragraph is outdated.) The staff of NutWorks urges you to contact Csnews at Maine and join in the Network-wide effort to compile a sympathy card which will be sent to the families of Challenger's astronauts. Files should be sent to CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET. The TOP line of the file should read: /APPEND CARD ... and the file should have a filetype of CSNOTICE or CSN. There are no other requirements. Please respond before March 1, 1986. Thank you for reading this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ *** *** *** *** *** NutWorks *** *** ---------- *** *** The Inter-Net Virtual Humor Magazine *** *** which says that people who are sane don't *** *** DESERVE the drugs we crazies get!! *** *** *** *** February, 1986. Issue009, (Volume II, Number 5). *** *** Brent C J Britton *** ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ An invitation to all readers: ============================ NutWorks is looking for original articles on *any* topic and of humorous nature to be published in future issues of NutWorks. If you, or anyone one you know, is interested in having people from around the world read your work, please let us know! Articles may be sent to any member of the staff; please do not send articles to Csnews at Maine. The decision to publish any article will be that of the NutWorks staff, and will be based on the humorous and literary qualities of the article. Articles may be signed or unsigned. No changes will be made to any signed article -- other than formatting and/or spell checking -- without permission from the author. When you read NutWorks, the world laughs with you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ We're sorry... =========== Some of you may have noticed that this issue of NutWorks magazine, the greatest thing to happen to computers since CP/67, was just a tad late arriving in your virtual reader. What? A month late!? Gee, we didn't think it had been *that* long. Well, what can we say? It's a new semester, we're students, we have jobs. There's just not enough time in the day sometimes. Anyhow, the staff of NutWorks magazine, the greatest thing that's happened to humor since the dribble-glass, wishes to apologize for being tardy this month. We know that it must have been hard on you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From the Bridge =============== Captains Log: Stardate 860210 Commander Spock Reporting. Well, it's the begining of another new semester... Being a farely knowledgable computer student I dread this time of being bombarded with incredibly philisophic questions. One of my all favorites occurred just the other day while I was working on this issue. THE QUESTION: "How do I get out of CMS ?" (Our logon enviornment is CMS) Well being determined to help a fellow student in need (UGH) I decided that a question of this magnitude and scope should be reffered to those who are more knowledgable then I. Hence, I consulted a few liaisons, the head of CUNY consulting, and a few system programmers I know to obtain the answer to this awesome question. After a bit of convincing thenmthat I was serious and truly wanted to know the answer they told me the following: 1) Type CP LOGOFF 2) Type CP 3) If you don't like CMS go get your own machine. 4) etc... Other great events here at Brooklyn College have included: 1) The day a student forgot to take the rubber band off his deck of cards and broke the card reader machine for a day and a helf. 2) The day one student added (at the reccomendation of another student) CP LOGOFF to his logon profile. 3) Almost as bad as the above was when a student received an account with IPL CMS as his profile. 4) One of my favorites was when for some reason (still unknown to me) a student removed from his profile the line that defined his reader and sat here for hours wondering while his programs hadn't come back to him. He couldn't understand why everyone else was getting there outputs back and he wasn't. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ NutWorks News ============= 1) The NutWorks Staff wishes to extend its welcome to all readers who are returning for the Spring semester, (as well as those who never left to begin with)! Note: If you are graduating or will not have the same account this term, please drop us some mail so we can delete you from the mailing list and/ or add your new account to the mailing list. 3) (Outdated text deleted) 4) Nutworks is no longer available to BITnet users on the now defunct Forum @ Bitnic. Back issues of NutWorks *are* still available on CSNEWS at MAINE via the SENDME NUTWORKS ISSUExxx command. Usenet users can get NutWorks through Alan . For more information please consult the NutWorks Info File available in a solar system near you !!! 5) NutWorks is no longer available on SERVER at TAMCBA. 6) Some articles contained herein may have once appeared on the Humor disk, an offshoot of this magazine, which used to be a part of CSNEWS at MAINE but is no longer available. No "old" NutWorks articles will be re- printed. 7) To get yourself added to the NutWorks mailing list, just send mail to BRENT@MAINE.BITNET. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nuts & Bolts -------------- Commentary. (Maligner tnerB Retorting.) Coming to work on an unseasonably warm Saturday morning at the beginning of a new semester was not an unpleasant duty. Until, that is, I found to my horror that there were no consultants on duty in the user area! With great dry heaves of revulsion I came to the realiza- tion that for the next sixteen hours I would be flooded with intell- ectually unfieldable inquiries from the new hackers, the novice, the uninformed, the L-User. Conversation of the weekend: --------------------------- User: My computer won't run my program. Me: It's not your computer. See this big blue box behind me? That's the computer. User: Well, the big blue box behind you won't run my program. Me: Did you type RUN? User: (Whips out set of instructions and reads from same): I typed EDIT HW1 and then INPUT and then PROGRAM HW1 (INPUT, OUTPUT); and then (* This program will take the average of... ... ... (days pass...) ... ...and then END. and then and then FILE and then RUN HW1. Me: (Waking abruptly): stands for Carriage Return! Just hit the ENTER key when- ever your instructions say ! User: Uh-oh... Me: What's wrong? (The user had typed "" at the end of every line in his program.) Runner up for the stupidity award: --------------------------------- User: I can't stop my program from running!! Me: Type "HX" and hit ENTER. User: But I DID that and it still says "Running." Me: It's *supposed* to say "Running." That let's you know that the system is running, not your program. User: Ok. (Goes away briefly. Returns moments later.) Can you force me? I'm hung. Me: (Skeptically) What did you do to get hung? User: Nothing! It said "Running" and I typed "LIST", and then it said "More..." (pronounced "more dot dot dot") so I I typed "LIST" again. (User had typed "LIST" about twelve times thinking that "his computer" wanted "more"). And for an honerable mention: ---------------------------- User: Are the operator? Me: I hope so. User: Can you get my 191 back for me? Me: (Foolishly assuming that the user had a legitimate complaint and that the system might actually have disk trouble): What did the error message say? User: DASD 191 DETACHED Me: You didn't type DET 191 by any chance? User: Yes... why? (Now I know the true meaning of the word AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!) bcjb ------------------------------------------------------------------------ To Compute or Not To Compute ============================ Transcribed from "Bloom County" by Berke Breathed. The words of Oliver Wendell Jones: "To compute, or not to compute... That is the question. "Whether 'tis nobler in the memory bank To suffer the slings and circuits of outrageous functions, Or to take up arms against a sea of... transistors. Or rather, transponders... transcondu-... trans... Er.. "Oh, to hack with it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Uzi vs. The Computer ======================== Yossie Silverman (Yossie @ Bitnic) The following advertisement appeared in one of the munition magazines: The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance. The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32 round clips of 125 grain 9 mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered --- and delivered on target --- in less time and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 --- or any personal computer -- he's the one whose in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local area networks. What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find what UNIX means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ First Day on the Job ---------------------- The foreman is talking to the new employee... Foreman: You're really going to like it here. Every Thursday the boys go to the bar after work and get smashed out of their minds. Rookie: I don't think I'd like that; I don't drink. Foreman: Well, every Friday night after work we get together and get wasted on a pound of some of the best Columbian! Rookie: I wouldn't like that either; I don't do drugs. Foreman: Well, every Saturday evening we go down to the local house- of-ill-repute and spend the whole night. Rookie: I don't think I'd like that either. Foreman: (suspiciously) You're not gay, are ya? Rookie: No. Foreman: Then you *really* won't like what we do on Sunday night! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BASE ADDRESS REGISTER CONCEPTS ============================== The IBM 360/50 computer knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is, from where it isn't; or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The system uses deviations to generate corrective instruct- ions to take the computer from a storage position where it is, to a position where it isn't; arriving at the position where it wasn't, it now is. Consequently, the position where it was, is now the position where it wasn't, and it follows that the position where it was is the position where it isn't. In the event the position where it is now, is not the position where it wasn't, the system has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between where the computer is and where it wasn't. However, the computer is sure where it isn't, and it knows where it wasn't, and by differentiating this from the algebraic difference between where it shouldn't be and where it was, it is able to obtain the difference between its deviation and its variation which is called ERROR! (Thank God IBM hired technical writers.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now, a new word derived by the spellchecker in its never-ending quest to make sense of our misspellings: Defence - v. To take the fence away. "We DEFENCED the yard." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Goofed-up Getaways Foil Crimes ================================ by Stephen Fay On the night of Nov. 24, 1974, a 26-year-old Lee man fleeing from the police facilitated his own capture by crashing into a tree. And though there's nothing so unusual about people fleeing from the police crashing into trees, most of them do so while in cars. This particular man had been on foot when he ran into the tree and knocked himself cock-eyed. Ignominious as his capture was, he at least has the consolation of knowing he is not alone. For Berkshire County appears to be something of a capital of goofed-up getaways. From the killer who telephoned the Pittsfield Fire Department (which records all calls) and pounded on the doors of sleeping neighbors asking directions to the home of his victim to the bank robbers who got caught when they got snarled in North Adams's rush-hour traffic to the lady who robbed a liquor store and fled in a taxi, Berkshire County malefactors - homegrown as well as transplants - have much to learn in the getaway department. A little research into criminal activities in the Berkshires turns up a whole gang of crooks who blew their getaways. _Stuck_in_snowbank Take the case of the 40-year-old multimillionaire who was convicted of torching his Richmond summer home one snowy, cold morning in January 1983. Not only did he increase the insurance on his $200,000 house to $400,000 shortly before the fire, but while setting a blaze in the rear bedroom he managed to touch off the fire alarm, not once but twice. At getaway time, he did not get far. His car got stuck in a snowbank near his Woodlot Road home. Firefighters responding to the alarm saw him as they rushed to the fire scene. He was charged shortly after the event. The most quickly solved bank robbery in Pittsfield's history occurred Dec. 3, 1974. A 33-year-old city resident forced his way into the West Housatonic Street branch of City Savings Bank at 9:40, 20 minutes before the bank was to open. An alert teller observed two of her colleagues approaching the door and asked the robber if she could tell the approaching "customers" that the bank wasn't open yet. The teller went to the front door and, using a codeword that meant a robbery was in progress, sent her two co-workers dashing for a phone to call police. In the meantime, the robber had gathered up $9,600 and, discovering he hadn't thought of transportation, asked one of the tellers inside the bank for the loan of a car. When police arrived, shortly after the robber departed, the teller was able to provide an exact description of the vehicle. Meanwhile, two detectives investigating a burglary at Crystal Creamery a mile away, heard the description of the car and driver and, a minute later, watched in awe as the very same car went right by them. The bank robber still had the money bag in his hand when they nabbed him a few blocks later. It was only last January that a 25-year-old North Adams woman pointed a gun at the owner of the Liquor Mart at the Artery Arcade in North Adams and scooped $320 from the cash register, half of which she dropped on the ground while leaving the store. Then she used a taxi as a getaway car. The ower of the store took down the cab's number and police quickly found the driver, who knew nothing of what his passenger was up to. Twenty minutes after the robbery, the robber was arrested at her home. _Caught_in_traffic_ "You gotta know the territory," said the man in Meredith Wilson's "The Music Man." It is advice that would have spared a visitor from Waltham considerable grief on the afternoon of - when else? - April Fools' Day, 1982. The 32-year-old bandit stuck up the South Adams Savings Bank on Route 8 in Cheshire at about 4:30 p.m. With $635 in cash stuffed into bank bags and a .22-caliber pistol in his hand, the robber roared away in his black Ford Mustang. He made the big mistake of heading north, however. A half-hour later, he got snarled in a 5 p.m. rush-hour traffic jam on State Street in North Adams. The police closed in and he gave in. The Indiana Jones award goes to the 25-year-old North Adams man who broke into a woman's apartment in March 1983. The woman kicked him and ran shouting out the door. The attacker jumped out the window, perhaps forgetting he was on the second floor. He broke his left ankle, which was still in its cast during the trial three months later. Then there were the two men charged with the Feb. 13, 1979, killing of a Pittsfield man. The victim lived on Hungerford Street, a rather hard-to-find road off West Housatonic Street. At their trial, it became evident that the two defendants were themselves victims - of a profound lack of planning. It seems, first of all, that they did not know where Hungerford Street was. So one of them called the Pittsfield Fire Department to ask directions, unaware that his call, like all calls to the department, was recorded. Then, in the wee hours of the morning, the two wandered around West Pittsfield, banging on the doors of sleepers, asking where Hungerford Street was. The fire dispatcher and several of the awakened neighbors were to testify at the trial. One of the men - the gunman - was found guilty of the killing, the other was let off. _Dropped_money_ That North Adams liquor store bandit who dropped half her take brings to mind the case of the unluck crook who didn't get what he ordered at the old Majestic Restaurant in Pittsfield. The case goes back to Jan. 22, 1974. An armed robber wearing a ski mask grabbed the cash box from behind the bar of a North Street eatery. But the gray metal box wasn't latched. It fell open and all the money fell on the floor behind the bar. The crook headed for the door, still hanging onto the empty money box, and took a blast of tear gas in the face from a little aerosol can brandished by the owner. Perhaps the most inept attempt to commit a crime was illustrated by one Adams man. The individual in question, age 23, tried to extort exactly $7,045 from A.H. Rice Co. of Pittsfield. The money demand, written on a piece of Howard Johnson's guest stationery, was accompanied by a bomb threat. The extortionist demanded that the sum be sent to his home on Burt Street in Adams. Cleverly, he thought, in order to throw authorities off, the extortionist said the people at that address knew nothing of the plot. "It reminds me," his lawyer, George B. Crane, told the judge, "of the old saw about the kidnapper sending the kid home with the ransom note." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cursed Baby Crib ------------------ Dick and Jane were expecting their first child, so they went down to buy a crib. After looking at all the different models, they decided on one sitting in the corner with no price tag on it. So they asked the salesman how much it was. He replied, "You don't want that one, it's cursed. As soon as you put the baby in it, the baby will die. Three seconds later, the mother will die. And three seconds later, the father will die." Well, Dick and Jane just loved the crib, and they thought the salesman was merely trying to jack up the price or some- thing, so, after much haggling, they bought it. A couple of weeks later, little Johnny was born. They brought him home from the hospital. Jane was so happy. Dick proudly watched as his wife put Johnny into the crib. Johnny said, "ack oop", and died. Then Dick saw his wife collapse onto the floor in a lifeless heap. Terrified, he ran out of the house and killed himself tripping over the dead milkman. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax) a great Adventure (game?) took place... XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: The Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess Linker races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... ------------------------------------------------------------- THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER ------------------------------------------------------------- <> ------------------------------------------------------------- Luke noticed an unused handler lying around and jumped to it. The others followed and were soon able to execute an escape sequence. Trashing some of its relocation registers caused a frame fault. He started working his way back up the return stack when he was road blocked by Dec Vadic who stood with his bytesaber active. "At last we will see who the real file master is" he remarked, bits, bytes, words, and nybbles, flew as the two fought for bus mastership. PDP-1 exclaimed "You were my best subtask! How could you have been seduced by the sideband portion of the carrier?". "It's simple," Vadic said, "I enjoy obscure protocol". While the battle continued, Luke, Con, Bookie, and the Princess linked up with the droids and found their way back to the inode where the Milliamp Falcon was stored. It looked quiet, "But,", Luke said "It could be an MMU trap.". "No chance", said Con, "I loaded the par's before I left the Falcon." As they started toward it a squad of recursive functions swapped in and started firing ROM blasters at them. "Thought you said it couldn't be a trap" quipped Luke "I said no chance for an MMU trap this is obviously a k-mon--f-trap-to 4" Con replied. PDP-1 shouted at the others "Escape while you can! I'll cause wait states as long as possible!" and with that he allowed Vadic a chance to apply several hits with the bytesaber. Instead of halting, PDP-1 was encoded onto the carrier. The Milliamp Falcon was restarted and managed to escape the shell. "Quickly!" shouted Con, "We've got to warp into virtual space!" The Bookie made several attempts, but it was obvious that a CE had not done PM in a long time and it would take a lot of decimal adjusts to byte align all the data registers. After much debugging, virtual space was finally achieved. "Do you know the path?" asked Princess LPA0. "No sweat" said Con "All we have to do is check the free space map". ------------------------------------------------------------- <> <> ------------------------------------------------------------- Some months later... Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's eyes boring through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see...nothing. A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him. "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't likely to be particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, the Bookie wasn't available. "Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network interface is undeveloped," the voice continued. A small furry creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on. Luke's stomach had now joined the rest of his body in loud complaints. Whatever was peering at him was certainly small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from Alpha Centauri. "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. "Frobozz, y'know. Morning, name's Modem. What's your game? Adventure? D&D? Or are you just one of those Apple - pong types that hang around the store demonstrations?" Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps, if he couldn't see it, it wouldn't notice him. "H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H @@ @($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?" "No, no!," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to become a UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address." "Right address," said the creature. "I am a UNIX wizard. Device drivers a specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar micro- computers of his home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you got from drinking too much Coke? ------------------------------------------------------------- << rest of empire strikes back, especially getting to the user haven, a directory unconnected to /. >> ------------------------------------------------------------- << Return of the Jedi, if and when ... >> ------------------------------------------------------------- The preceding was written by a number of people, working piecemeal. Additions should be posted to the net. Here at Case, we think the little incons- istancies just add a little charm. Please note that the unsigned stuff enclosed in <<...>>'s is by Barak Pearlmutter (thats me) while the stuff enc- losed in <<...>>'s signed " -Ed." is by ...!stolaf! borman. May the Carrier be with you, Barak Pearlmutter decvax!cwruecmp!pearlmut Actually, if you do come up with additions, mail them to GAMES. The Grand Wizard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ February, 1986. Issue009, (Volume II, Number 5). ******************************************************************** Deze diskette is samengesteld door de Atari Computerclub Nederland. Postbus 5011, 2000 CA Haarlem. Onze bibliotheek van public domain programma's omvat op dit moment al zo'n zeventig diskettes. Daarop vindt u programma's op elk gebied, van tekstverwerker en database tot de leukste spelletjes, de fraaiste tekenprogramma's en de handigste utilities. U vindt in het tijdschrift "ST" ( Onafhankelijk tijdschrift van en voor gebruikers van Atari ST computers) een overzicht en een bespreking van de inhoud van de public-domain diskettes. Dit tijdschrift bevat tevens een bestelkaart zodat U vlot over de software kan beschikken. ***** Deze public domain disk is geproduceerd en gedistribueerd door: Stichting ST afd. Software Bakkersteeg 9A 2311 RH LEIDEN Ondanks onze controle komt het af en toe voor dat een diskje niet goed is gecopieerd. Mocht U dit overkomen, aarzel dan niet en stuur de defecte disk aan ons terug. U krijgt dan direct een vervangende disk toegestuurd. ***** Teneinde het voor ons mogelijk te maken om productie fouten op te sporen en vervolgens in de toekomst te vermijden, zijn alle disks, geproduceerd door de Stichting ST, voorzien van een groen productie nummer. ********************************************************************  speciaalvoordecomputer-gebruiker.Direktophetschermte bekijkenofmetFirst-word. ACNXXX Deverzameldeuitgaven10totenmet20vanhetbijzonder humoristischeAmerikaanseBBS-Magazine"NUTWORKS".Eenbonte verzamelingvermakelijkeartikelen,grappen,originelewoordspe lingenenuitsprakenenandere"absolutelyknee-slappingthings" speciaalvoordecomputer-gebruiker.Direktophetschermte bekijkenofmetFirst-word. dated text deleted.) Eds. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nuts & Bolts ==========