`8IBM +Dp@ Hy NMHz<<b Hz`J*gDHz?< NA\O <S*F'pA C mA `Hz ?< NA\OA@C><0QCAFNAH rC!rNuNVHa2J@gaL?N^ zNHxHy?.B/8?NNONu xp2<XQ|4fpa gpNupNu x P`f4 C@$f* E(f 1AY&6f 1AY&f rAfpNupazaJ@g8 x0`8A:Crq Q xBhp2<XQ04Pp a oo (infinity, that is) and there he stays whoever he really is. Part II (oo years later) Ned, who happened to be dead, was walking around his cell for he (or she) was a one celled organism and became entangled in his DNA and in the process split one of his genes into one piece two thirds as long as the original, one pi/4 as long as the original, one sqr(e/3.2) as long as the original, and one 0/1342 as long as the original. This would have created quite remarkable affects but as we said, Ned was dead. A few days or weeks or years or bergs (a unit of measurement named after Chris Berg) later it was still oo years later and Ned was released from prison. Ned was excited and frolicked through fields of flowers because he went and stored that in location 505, realizing at the same time that he did not know whether the location was expressed in decimal, hex, octal or any other integer base K, where K>5. This matter did not trouble Joe long for he looked up and saw the JMS (Jump to Subroutine) on the screen and his mind(s) or lack thereof was totally filled with the question "Why is the letter M used in the JMS statement?" He may have realized that it was the "M" from the word Jump, but his parser was unable to decode the question because he used double quotes around the 'M' and not single quotes. His brain then hung and he walked around aimlessly until he tripped over a cold boot and found himself vaca- tioning in Africa. Not having any ROM he had to wait many years while hundreds of monkeys randomly keyed in code until power-up was achieved. Joe lived happily for many years until a slave ship picked him up and brought him to America. He was not sold however because the code that Fred monkey keyed in had a minor flaw which caused Ned to play movie tape of a princess asking for help from Obie Wan, but the message was preempted by a homework assignment "Homework Assignment #1 Due 20 Sept 1984 2.7 and 2.10." In the confusion Odie (not Obie) was called and he flipped many pointy objects and he then blew up the world, but Ned sur- vived because he was not there because the supreme being got tired of writing. Part III (the next day in Intro to Micro) When the supreme being finally started to write again Ned was in an empty void, for the world had been blown up. Sam did not explode in the vacuum due to his impossibly strong pink and green outer shell. As he was near death he said, "Let there be light." The supreme being, who can even hear in a vacuum replied by saying "You lose, bill." However, since the supreme being was not used to his supreme power had made a mistake. Because there was no Bill (an old reference to Bill Casino, a real loser) to lose and since all things that the supreme being says must occur by some process which even he (or she or...) does not necessarily know, an anti-Bill (Note: Bill, when preceded by You lose is in lower case) was created (or not created depending on your universe). Seeing the problem, the supreme supreme being also known as The Twos Complement Which Goes All The Way to 255 (0FF in hex) complemented Bill's bits, which happened to produce the bit representation of the world in the year 1971 some time in the beginning of May. Sam (who from now on may be called Greg, or jim for short) was quite relieved and was so joyful that he added 973 and the twos-complement of 654 to get the result of 346. Being his supreme self, the supreme supreme supreme being saw a major flaw in the world. This was that there were two Jims in the world (or Jim or Ned or...), so he destroyed the Sam who had just learned of twos-complements. That was ok (pronounced as it is spelled, with one syllable) though, because the wise supreme supreme supreme being knew that by Sylvia existing for the short time that he (or she) did he changed the course of some air molecules which would eventually be used in the machinery that Odie would use to blow up the world. In fact this change would cause a malfunction in the detonator apparatus, to which Odie would reply, "Skippy eatee bow wow snarf" or something to this effect. The net effect of this chapter is that the world really was not blown up and that the H (1) bit in the accumulator (known as the half- carry) was set. ---------- 1. This is a carry over (pardon the pun (haha)) from the 4 bit computer. Part IV (the CAOS begins) Ned, who knew nothing of the world's destruction or any of the events leading to the recreation of the world was still having problems with the code keyed in by Fred (an allusion to D. Griffith) the monkey But, suddenly before much happened the supreme being became interested in something other that the world, and the world stopped for a while. Intermission (lights, music plays, smoking in the lobby only, please) Spuddy Soap --- The Soap with Spud And here we are in a supermarket with some famous athlete who claims to use Spuddy Soap. JOCK - Excuse me sir or miss... Yes, you in the pink and green. NED - Uhh, me? JOCK - Yes you! Do you use Spuddy...uh...Soup..uh, no...Soap? NED - Well, I can't speak English but I... zap ZZzzing!... Help me Obie Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope...Help me Obie Wan Kenobi...You're my only...Zzlard..Zing pop! JOCK - Well, uh there (scratches his balls) you have it. Spuddy Soap - the Spuddiest Soap around... Are we done y Now for something really funny! Knock, knock. Who's there? Who's there!?! Damn deaf people with their white canes. (opening door) Wow!! It's a baby with a note. (acci- dently sticking the baby with the pin which held the note, the baby deflates spewing blood and other wonderful things all over the place. Oh, Shit! (A green and pink or pink and green Ned or Jor or... walks around the corner). You called? Who are YOU! Yes I am. (Note: The answer makes sense as he can be called by just about any name and "Who are YOU!" is good enough and therefore passes as a boolean TRUE.) (A total solar eclipse occurs and when the light returns something happens which the supreme being has not thought of yet... but since he is in CAOS a transistor drives by but does not make it much further because its inputs were low. Shocked, Ned barely jumps out of the way of the trans**- Hi there, .. If you are a powerful figure in the ST world (or you **- know a powerful figure in the ST world) then fill in this form **- (or pass it on) and send it to me (Mat) at the address on the disk **- magazine .. **- **- **- Thankz .. **- Mat * * * * * * DELETE THIS FROM THE FINAL VERSION .. * * Ok, fillin the questions and make it stupid .. its a disk mag after * all , mail them back to MAT when finished (or whoever you got them * from) .. Try and make the article look tidy when you leave and make * sure you fill in your name below ....... Yeh have a look at what I * mean .. seen it ?? Yeh, good .. right, go for it .. * * Version 2 Ledgers Questions .. written by Mat of the Untouchables * * Ps : dont use Tab, it fuks up the displayers ! .. And do us a favor * please and send these questions on to a few of your well known contacts! * ********************************************************************** Interview with ------------------------------------- Name : In real life ? : Group or the people who you do most work for : Brief Description of yourself if you please .. : Age : Number of Teeth (if applicable) : Number visible when you smile ?? : Fav Night Out : Fav Drink : Fav Drug Fav Accident : Fav person called 'MAT' : Fav compooter : Fav game : Fav Memory Size : Fav Animal : Taste In Music : Fav Chant : Do you have a tee shirt with that printed on it ?? : What do you do best : When you are not doing what you do best what do you do best ... : I really admire people with single sided internal drives because : The funniest thing I have ever done at a party was .. : I just wanted to curl up and die when .. : Do you have greasy hair ?? : Are you aware of it ?? : How many letters of the alphabet can you say in one belch ?? : What do you think of my questions ? : Did you know that Captain Hack (of Cap. Hacks PD library) has the first name of Bradley ? : Dont you think Bradley is a stupid name ? : Do you think Captain Hack will take offence ? : If I had absolutely tons of cash I would .. : Last time you were sick who cleaned it up (revealing huh !) ?? : Most hated person(s) : I have to go now so any final words .. : Finally I would like to say a quick hello to : PS - I heard a few rumors the other day which were : . = t.. = tCM It  D2 Lt "K5 Nt *TPH Qt @~S4 Rt AyIC_CHEATMAT Ut T< Castle Master hints (If you don't know really how to start) Written by Sorcerer of The Digital Dictators! * The first thing to do before you enter the castle is have a good walk around,until you find the wizard's hut.Enter and eat the cheese on the table,then return to the castle drawbridge and hurl a rock at it to lower it. * Once inside the castle,turn immedieately right and go through the Right Atrium into the South East Tower. Open the plain door on the left and enter the kitchen,then take a step forward and turn around to find a key.If you look at the information screen,you'll find that this is the key to Igor's room. * Leave the kitchen then turn right.The next door down is the door to Igor's room,so open it with the key and kill Igor. Leave and continue around the corner of the tower until you come across a gate with some buttons beside it.Push the right button and the door opens. * Go to the door on your left into the East Passage then walk on towards the North East Tower.Forget about the door directly in front of you and walk westward and around the corner until you get to a door on your left.Go through the door into the north passage. * Walk all the way along to the North West Tower and open the door in front of you.There's a spirit inside so get ready to pelt it with a stone.The door ahead leads to the Pentacle Room but before you can enter you need the ten pentacles.Turn around and you'll find a key and ten flashing pentacles on the wall.These aren't real things,but if you click on them you are told where to look for them. * Go out into the corridor again,turn right and follow the tower around.You can't reach the Cellar Steps so get past the other button and shoot the lock off to the Guard Room and go inside. Go right up to the grate in the far wall and you can see what's in the Pentacle Room. * Go back out and head down the West Passage,ignoring the door in the east wall for the moment.Crawl over the top of the obstacle at the end of the passage then walk around to the Great Hall's double doors.Open them,but be ready to shoot the spirit that's inside.Have a good poke around,because there's something in here that you need.Got it? Ok,step outside again then head right and through the door to the Left Atrium.This takes you back to the Gatehouse from where you can start exploring the Courtyard. FURTHER POINTS OF INTERESTS: * There's a key in the well,but that's not all. * There's a wooden horse in the stables.What's inside it? * Look around in the hay in barn. * Shoot the flag. * The chapel holds plenty of secrets.Check the altar,and the whole in the roof.Pace back,three paces right and forward one pace. You should now be in a secret corridor.Open the door and kill the mummies with a fireball spell.Go up the steps and Lor's mirror is at the top.Kazi,a master ninja,is also hidden.Go to Petal's mirror,then go backwards into the corridor.Take two steps left and go forward into another secret corridor. Kill the rock monsters with a fireball spell and recruit Kazi. Deja Vu II: Lost in Las Vegas Preface: In writing this solve I'm assuming you know how to play ICOM adventures, if not get some documentation on them. I've tried to make this as clear and concise as possible and to win the game in as little moves as possible. Bathroom: Get pants, operate pants, open bathroom door, exit thru door. Bedroom: Get cigar ring, get train schedule,open hotel room door, exit thru door. Corridor: Open double doors under casino sign, exit thru double doors. Lobby: Take left exit to cashier's cage. Cashier's Room: Open wallet, operate $10 bill on cashier, get chips, exit left to blackjack room. Blackjack Room: Keep going left and examining each of the dealer's name tags, until you find Rudy Kowalski, operate newspaper clipping in your wallet of you and Rudy boxing on Rudy for easy winning, bet until Rudy is replaced, get chips, exit right until your at the Cashier's room. Cashier's Room: Give chips to cashier, get paper money, exit right into lobby. Lobby: Exit thru glass doors outside. Casino Entryway: Exit right to Train Station. Train Station Entryway: Enter Train Station. Train Station: Exit right to baggage claim booth. Baggage Claim Department: Examine departure sign until a train boarding for Chicago appears and what gate, exit left back into station. Train Station: Exit to appropriate gate. Platform: Enter train. Train: Pay conductor $20.00, wait until train arrives in Chicago, exit train. Platform: Enter Train Station. Train Station: Operate quarter in wallet on newsstand clerk, get newspaper, exit train station. Train Station Entryway: Enter taxi cab. Taxi: Operate drivers license in wallet on cab driver, exit taxi. Apartment Entryway: Enter apartment building. Hall: Operate key to your apartment on door 1A, enter apartment. Your Apartment: Get flashlight, open overcoat on wall, get $10 bill, open drawer on floor, get penknife, exit apartment. Hall: Exit apartment building. Apartment Entryway: Enter taxi. Taxi: Operate newspaper clipping in wallet that says "ACE CLEARS NAME" on taxi driver, Exit Cab. Joe's Bar Entrance: Enter alleyway behind joe's bar. Alley: Go to fire escape. Fire Escape: Open penknife, operate penknife on bunch of boards nailed to window, operate boards, enter window. Siegle's Office: Open old telephone on wall, get key, exit thru window. Fire Escape: Exit to stairs down. Alley: Exit to further down the alleyway. Back Alley: Operate penknife on door, open door, enter door. Hall: Operate flashlight, open bar door, enter bar door. Bar Room: Open wine cellar door, enter wine cellar door. Wine Cellar: Operate wine bottle with no cob webs, enter secret passage. Secret Room: Open round door, enter round door. Casino: Operate unusually shaped key on right slot machine, open slot machine, get diary,get card, exit thru round door. Secret Room: exit thru wine cellar. Wine Cellar: Exit to bar room. Bar Room: Exit to hall. Hall: Exit to back alley. Back Alley: Exit to alley Alley: Exit to street. Joe's Bar Entrance: Enter Taxi. Taxi: Operate business card on taxi driver, exit cab. Apartment Entryway: Operate penknife on basement apartment door, open door, enter door. Sugar's Apartment: Open clothes wardrobe, get cop's uniform, open vacuum cleaner, operate penknife on vacuum cleaner bag, get letter, exit apartment. Apartment Entryway:Enter cab. Taxi: Operate newspaper on taxi driver, operate pants, operate cops uniform, exit cab. Morgue Entrance: Enter morgue door. Morgue: open small gate, enter freezer. Freezer: Open door #5, get toe tag, close door, exit freezer. Morgue: Operate toe tag on clerk, open box, open wallet, get $10 bill, get baggage claim ticket, exit morgue. Morgue Entrance: Enter taxi. Taxi:Operate cops uniform, operate pants,operate train schedule on taxi driver, exit cab. Train Station Entryway: Enter train station. Train Station:Examine departure sign until train boarding for Las Vegas appears, exit to appropriate gate. Platform: Enter train. Train: Pay conductor, wait until train reaches Las Vegas. Platform:Exit into train station. Train Station: Exit to Baggage Claim department. Baggage Claim Department: Operate baggage claim ticket on attendant, open suitcase,open bundle of dirty clothes,get letter, exit to train station. Train Station: Exit thru front entrance. Train Station Entryway: Exit left to Lucky Dice Casino. Casino Entryway: Enter casino. Lobby: Enter double doors. Corridor: Operate elevator button, enter elevator. Elevator: Operate button #3, exit elevator. Corridor: Open laundry hamper, go to laundry hamper. Dumpster: Close metal lid, wait until thugs find you. Laundry room: operate ropes on crate, exit upstairs. Hallway: Open front door, exit back down stairs. Laundry Room: Go to dumpster. Dumpster: Wait until thugs leave, exit dumpster. Laundry Room: Exit upstairs. Hallway:Open counter, exit thru office door. Office: Open desk, open box in desk, get magnet, get unmarked brass key, exit office. Hallway:Exit thru front door. Laundry Entryway: Exit right thru desert until you come to the Lucky Dice Casino. Casino Entryway:Enter Casino. Lobby:Enter double doors. Corridor: Operate elevator button, enter elevator. Elevator: Place magnet about #4 button on panel, get magnet, exit elevator. Corridor: Enter door with name "Dan Ventini" on it. Ventini's Office: Operate paper weight on paper weight, get dart, exit office. Corridor: Enter elevator. Elevator: Operate "L" button, exit elevator. Corridor: Enter doors marked "CASINO" Lobby: Exit thru front door. Casino Entryway: Exit left thru desert until you get to Reliant Laundry. Laundry Entryway: Operate unmarked brass key on side metal door, enter door. Laundry Room: Exit upstairs. Hallway: Exit thru office door. Office: Operate dart on dart board, enter secret office. Secret Office: Open Desk, get letter to boss, drop cigar ring, exit secret office. Office: Exit office. Hallway: Exit thru front door. Laundry Entryway: Exit right thru desert until you come to Casino. Casino Entryway: Enter casino. Lobby: Exit thru double doors. Corridor: Operate elevator button, enter elevator. Elevator:Place magnet of #4 button on panel, exit elevator. Corridor: Enter office with name "Anthony Malone on door. Malone's Office: Drop diary, drop letter from sugar's vacuum, drop letter to boss, exit office. Corridor: Enter elevator. Elevator: Operator "L" button, exit elevator. Corridor: Enter doors marked "CASINO" Lobby: Exit thru front door. Casino Entryway: Exit right to train station. Train Station Entryway: Enter train Station. Train Station: Board any train immediately and get out of town or if you don't have any money go far into the desert. Sit back, and watch the show... Kings Quest V hints...... What do I do in the streets of Serenia? Hint: After you visit one of the shops in the town of Serenia, you can find a silver coin in the street. It will be located just outside the tailor's door at the entrance to an alley. There is also a barrel in the alley entrance. Be sure to look in the barrel and take the fish. What do I do at the Tailor's Shop? Hint: You can get a blue cloak from the tailor. But first you will need to get the golden needle from the haystack beside the Swarthy Hog's Inn. Give the tailor the golden needle and he will give you the cloak. Tip: You may need an army of help to find the needle! Problem: What do I do at the Shoe Shop? Hint: The shoe maker is very poor and would like to retire. If only he had enough money. Perhaps if he had a rare pair of shoes to sell. You can get him such a pair of shoes from an elf in the witch's forest. Problem: What do I do at the Toy Shop? Hint: The toy maker will gladly accept the marionette you got from grandpa gnome and his grandson. He will exchange the marionette for a sled. Problem: How do I avoid dying of thirst? Hint: Drink from a desert oasis. There are many of them to drink from. In fact, in the extreme desert heat, an oasis provides a good place to save your game. Problem: What should I do with the skeleton I found? Hint: You will notice a shoe near the skeleton. Get the old shoe. Problem: Where can I find the skeleton? Hint: The skeleton is in the desert. Start at the Bee tree, go west 4 screens. The next screen west is an oasis, enter this screen and drink. Go west 2 more screens, then south 1 screen. You should now see the skeleton. Get the old shoe. Problem: Where can I find the Temple? Hint: Start at the Bee tree, go west 4 screens. The next screen west is an oasis. Enter this screen and drink. Go north 2 screens from the oasis, until you are next to the cliff. Go west 3 screens along the cliff, you should see an opening in the cliff and a small pool of water near the rocks. Make sure to drink from the pool. Go north 1 screen at the opening. You should be at the temple. Problem: How can I find the Bandit's camp? Hint: Start at the Bee tree, go west 4 screens. The next screen west is an oasis. Enter this screen and drink. Go west 2 more screens, then south 3 screens. You should now be at another oasis. Drink. Go south 1 more screen, then go west until you reach the tents (4 screens). You are now at the camp. Be sure to drink from the large jug in the middle of the camp. Problem: How do I avoid being killed by the bandits in front of the temple? Hint: Hide from them behind the rocks on the east side of the entrance to the temple. Spy on the bandits and pay special attention to the staff that one of them is carrying. Problem: I'm at the bandits' hideout and there are many drunken bandits around. What should I do? Hint: At the bandits' hideout, enter the first tent. The bandit has fallen asleep at his post! Be careful not to wake him. Sneak to the back of the tent and get the staff leaning against the back of the tent. Then leave the tent quietly. You can use this staff to get into the temple. Problem: I'm at the bandits' hideout and the place looks abandoned. What should I do? Hint: If there is no one at the bandits' hideout, you'll need to come back later. Go to the entrance of the desert temple and hide behind some rocks on the east side at the base of the cliff. Spy on the bandits and pay special attention to the staff that one of them is carrying. Problem: What do I do with the staff? Hint: Do you recall seeing the bandits open the desert temple with the staff? Now it's your turn. Go to the desert temple and use the staff to open the temple. When you get inside, quickly take the gold coin and brass bottle from the floor and get out of the temple. Problem: How do I avoid being sealed up in the desert temple? Hint: Save your game just before entering the temple. When you enter the temple to get the brass bottle and gold coin, do it quickly. There is just enough time to get these two items only and then head out of the opening. Don't spend any extra time in here or you'll be sealed up forever! Problem: How do I get rid of the witch? Hint: Remember the brass bottle you got out of the desert temple? Well, it's time to use it. Give the brass bottle to the witch. She's so greedy that she'll snatch up the bottle and open it. Stand back and watch her own greed be her demise. Problem: What should I get from the witch's house? Hint: You'll need to take the pouch from her chest of drawers, the spinning wheel from her trunk, and a key from her lantern. Problem: That witch keeps turning me into a frog. How do I protect myself from her evil magic powers? Hint: You'll need to see the Gypsy, Madam Mushka. Give Madam Mushka the gold coin you got from the desert temple. She will give you a magic amulet that will protect you from the witch's evil spells. Problem: I've seen a tree with a locked door on it near the witch's house. How do I open it? Hint: Use the key that you got from the witch's lantern to unlock the door of the tree. Problem: What should I find inside the tree? Hint: You should find a golden heart. Take it and give it to the talking willow tree you saw outside the witch's forest. Problem: I've gotten rid of the witch, but now I seem to be trapped in the witch's forest. How do I get out of here? Hint: To get out of the witch's forest, go one screen west from her house. Select the honeycomb from your inventory, and squeeze the honey onto the trail. The pouch you took from the witch's house contains some emeralds. Open the pouch by selecting your inventory, then use the "hand" icon to open the pouch. Select the emeralds and throw three of them (1 at a time) onto the trail. An elf will appear and lead you out of the witch's forest. Problem: What do I do with the spinning wheel I got from the witch's house? Hint: Remember the grandpa gnome you saw in the main forest? You now have something that will interest him. This is a special spinning wheel, which he'll gladly trade you for his grandson's marionette. Problem: Every time I go into the Swarthy Hog's Inn, a hardened criminal knocks me unconscious, throws me into the basement, and the game ends. What am I supposed to do here? Hint: Unfortunately, you will have to be knocked unconscious by the disreputable thug and thrown in the basement. However, if you made friends with the rat outside the Baker Brothers' Bake Shop (by throwing an old shoe at the mangy cat chasing him), he'll free you by gnawing the rope that they've tied you up with. Once free, take the rope and use the hammer the shoe maker gave you to break the lock on the door. Go into the kitchen, get the leg of lamb from the cabinet, then exit the Swarthy Hog's Inn through the back door of the kitchen. Problem: Where do I get a gold coin to give to the Gypsy, Madam Mushka? Hint: You can get a gold coin from the temple in the desert. It will be on the floor beside a brass bottle. Problem: Cedric warns me to stay away from some bees in the hollow of a tree. Should I stay away from those bees? Hint: Heed Cedric's advice. After all, you don't want a swarm of angry bees after you! However, if you see a bear attacking the bee tree, offer your assistance. Remember the fish you got out of the barrel in town? Throw the fish to the bear. He'll leave the bees alone and the queen bee will reward you for your kindness. Problem: How do I get the dog to stop digging up the ant castle? Hint: Be sure to pick up the stick at the base of the bee tree. Throw the stick at the dog and he'll forget all about the ant castle. And for your kindness, the king of the ants will vow to help you with your journey later. Problem: How can I get the marionette from the little gnome boy and his grandfather? Hint: Do you remember the spinning wheel you got from the witch? Well, that was no ordinary spinning wheel! Offer this spinning wheel to grandpa gnome and he'll trade you the marionette for it. Problem: How can I help both Prince Herbert and the talking tree? Hint: You will find out that the talking tree is actually Prince Herbert's fiance. You can help her by returning her heart to her. You'll find her heart locked inside a tree just one screen east of the witch's house. Once you have the heart, return it to the talking tree. She'll turn into the beautiful princess Alicia. Since she'll no longer have a use for the harp she's been playing, she'll toss it to the ground. Be sure to pick up the harp. Problem: Where do I get the silver coin to buy a pie at the Baker Brothers' Bake Shop? Hint: You can find a silver coin in the streets of the city. You'll find it at an alley entrance near the tailor's shop. Problem: I've seen a large rat being chased by a mangy cat in front of the Baker Brothers' Bake Shop. Should I try to help the rat? Hint: Yes, throw the old shoe (you found beside the skeleton in the desert) at the cat. The rat will be so grateful, that he'll help you later in your journey. Problem: How do I get the poisonous snake away from the path it is guarding? Hint: When Madam Mushka's Gypsy caravan pulled away, they dropped a tambourine at their old campsite. Shake the tambourine at the snake and you'll scare him away. Problem: I've come to a snowy ledge where a now-frozen waterfall has washed away part of the path I'm traveling on. How do I get off this ledge without dying? Hint: Use the rope you kept (from the basement of the Swarthy Hog's Inn) and throw it over the rock on the edge of the cliff. You can then climb up the cliff. Problem: I'm on the upper trail of the mountain now and the waterfall has washed away parts of this trail as well. How do I join Cedric on the other side? Hint: Carefully walk to the edge of the cliff and jump onto the small boulders of ice protruding from the frozen waterfall. You can hop on these boulders to get to the other side. Once you get over there, walk on the log. You've now joined Cedric. Problem: Help! Cedric's been captured by a wolf! Every time I run after him, I slip and fall off the mountain. How can I rescue him? Hint: Did you get the sled from the toy maker in town? You had to trade him grandpa gnome's marionette for the sled. Use that sled here to get down the mountain slope. Problem: I've seen a poor, hungry eagle outside Queen Icebella's Palace. What could I give him? Hint: Yes. Feed him the leg of lamb (that you got from the kitchen cupboard of the Swarthy Hog's Inn). However, be sure Graham eats some of the lamb before giving the leg to the eagle. Problem: Graham is becoming hungry. What can I feed him? Hint: Feed Graham some of the lamb before giving the leg to the eagle. Problem: Queen Icebella keeps commanding her wolves to kill me. How can I avoid this? Hint: Remember the harp Princess Alicia dropped? Well, play it for Queen Icebella and she'll call off her wolves. Problem: How do you kill a Yeti anyway? Hint: You can kill the Yeti by throwing the pie (you got from the Baker Brothers' Bake Shop) into the Yeti's face. After you've killed the Yeti, go into Crystal Cave and get a glowing Crystal. Problem: I'm on a very confusing and windy path above a swift river coursing its way through a ravine. How do I get out of here? Hint: You will notice a pool high up on the cliff where Cedric is sitting. Move to the opening in the center of the cliff below and Graham will climb the mountain to join Cedric. As soon as he gets up there, he'll be captured by Roc and taken away to this two-headed bird's nest. Problem: I've seen a rusty crowbar on the beach. Should I take it? Hint: Yes. You never know when a rusty crowbar will come in handy. Problem: I'm at a hermit's house on the beach. I'm trying to talk to him, but he's hard of hearing. How can I get him to hear me? Hint: To get the old hermit to hear what you have to say, travel to island of Harpies and be sure to pick up a conch shell on the beach. You can give the conch shell to him, which he'll use as a hearing aid. Problem: The boat, Cedric, and I keep getting eaten by a giant sea creature. How can we avoid being eaten? Hint: When you're traveling in the ocean, it's best to map your journey to the island Harpies. The best way to avoid being eaten by the sea creature is to travel a direct route to and from the island of Harpies. When traveling from the beach where you found the boat, go 3 or 4 screens east then south 1 screen. When returning from the island of Harpies to the hermit, go west until you reach the shore. Problem: How do I keep the Harpies from eating me? Hint: You can easily distract the Harpies from killing you by giving them an object you have. Remember the harp you picked up from Princess Alicia? Play the harp then give it to one of the Harpies. They'll fight over it and that will give you a chance to escape. Problem: Cedric's been hurt on the island of Harpies. Where can I take him to be healed? Hint: You'll want to take Cedric back to the Hermit who is hard of hearing. Also, be sure to pick up the conch shell from the beach. You can give the shell to the Hermit, so he can hear you. He'll heal Cedric by using special poultice herbs. Problem: I've seen a shell on the beach at the island of Harpies. Do I need it? Hint: Yes. You can give the shell to the Hermit, which he'll use as a hearing aid. He has many things to tell you and will assist you in your journey. Problem: I've landed on Mordack's Island. When I walk up the path leading to his castle, two cobra dragon statues kill me. How can I get past them without being fried? Hint: Do you remember killing the Yeti for Queen Icebella? Well, after you killed him, did you get a glowing crystal from Crystal Cave? Use the crystal now to protect yourself from these dragons' deadly breath! Problem: How do I get into Mordack's Castle? Hint: Don't go into the castle through the main door. Instead, walk up the path on the west side of the castle. You will come to an opening in the ground covered by a grate. Use the crowbar to pry open the grate. You do have a crowbar, don't you? If not, you can find the crowbar to the north of the hermit's house. Problem: I'm lost in a maze inside Mordack's Castle. What am I supposed to do in here and how do I get out? Hint: You will find two things in Mordack's maze; a Dink and a door. When you find the Dink, give him the tambourine you got from the Gypsy campsite and he will dance a crazy dance. While he's dancing, one of Dink's hairpins will fall to the ground. Use the Dink's hairpin to open the locked door. Problem: I'm in Mordack's supply room. What am I supposed to get here? Hint: Get the bag of peas out of the cupboard on the west wall. Problem: I'm in Mordack's kitchen and there's a woman cleaning the floor. What does she want? Hint: Yes. Approach Cassima and give her the locket that you found in Roc's nest. In return for your kindness, she will help you later on. Problem: Every time I enter the hallway beside the kitchen, one of Mordack's henchmen captures me and throws me into a prison cell in the basement. How do I get past this henchman? Hint: When you see the henchman coming at you, throw the bag of peas at him. He will slip on the peas and fall unconscious. Quickly walk past him into the dining hall. Problem: I've been thrown into a prison cell in Mordack's basement. How do I escape? Hint: Do you remember seeing the woman, Cassima, cleaning the kitchen floor? Well, you needed to give her the locket that you found in Roc's nest. Had you given her the locket, she'd have freed you from the prison cell. Also, be sure to look in the rat's hole in the prison cell and get the moldy cheese with the fish hook (that you found on the island of Harpies). That moldy cheese will come in very handy. Problem: I'm trying to go up the stairway beside the dining room, but another one of Mordack's henchmen captures me and returns me to the prison cell in the basement. How do I get past this one? Hint: This henchman is a little easier to get around than the first one. Go into the dining room and walk to the northeast corner of the dining table. The henchman will try to block your way. But he's big and moves very slowly. Quickly walk around to the other side of the table and walk right past him! Problem: I'm sneaking around Mordack's bedroom and a very mean cat keeps alerting Mordack that I'm there. How do I keep this cat quiet? Hint: Remember when you landed on Mordack's island and wrecked the boat? Well, right on the beach was a dead catfish. Did you get the fish? If so, throw it at the cat and while he's eating the fish carefully approach him and trap him in the empty bag of peas. But do be careful, for he's a vicious cat! Problem: I'm in Mordack's study. What's worth reading? Hint: Go over to his desk and take a look at the old tome. When you thumb through the pages you'll acquire the tiger spell, the mongoose spell, the rabbit spell, and the rain cloud spell. Wait in the study until you see Mordack return to his bedroom and go to sleep. Next, go into his bedroom and take the wand from his nightstand. Tip: You must bag a cat before Mordack shows up! Problem: Every time I go into Mordack's laboratory, he sees me and kills me. How do I avoid him killing me? Hint: Don't go in the laboratory when Mordack is there. First, you'll want to go to Mordack's bedroom and then to his study. Read the old tome in his study and wait there. After awhile, Mordack will return to his bedroom and go to sleep. Go back into his bedroom and get the wand from his nightstand. Now you can safely go into his laboratory. Problem: I've got Mordack's wand. Now what? Hint: Go up the spiral staircase and put both Crispin's and Mordack's wands into the machine upstairs. Next, put the piece of moldy cheese (you got from the rat's hole in the prison cell of Mordack's basement) into the machine. This will drain the power from Mordack's wand and at the same time charge up Crispin's wand. Finally, remove Crispin's wand from the machine. Problem: I've gone up a spiral staircase in Mordack's laboratory and have found a machine. How do I use it? Hint: Put both Crispin's and Mordack's wand into the machine. Next, put the piece of moldy cheese (you got from the rat's hole in the prison cell of Mordack's basement) into the machine. This will drain the power from Mordack's wand and at the same time charge up Crispin's wand. Finally, remove Crispin's wand from the machine. Problem: I've successfully drained Mordack's magical wand, but now he's turned into a giant dragonfly. How do I defeat him? Hint: Be sure to get the spells by thumbing through the old tome in Mordack's study. Then when Mordack comes after you as a dragonfly, select Crispin's wand from your inventory. Point the wand at Mordack and you'll be able to select from four spells. To defeat the dragonfly, select the tiger spell. Problem: Mordack has turned himself into a dragon. How do I defeat him? Hint: Be sure to get the spells by thumbing through the old tome in Mordack's study. Then when Mordack comes after you as a dragon, select Crispin's wand from your inventory. Point the wand at Mordack and you'll be able to select from four spells. To foil Mordack's plans to destroy you this time, select the rabbit spell. Problem: Mordack has turned himself into a cobra. How do I defeat him? Hint: Be sure to get the spells by thumbing through the old tome in Mordack's study. Then when Mordack comes after you as a cobra, select Crispin's wand from your inventory. Point the wand at Mordack and you'll be able to select from four spells. To defeat the cobra, select the mongoose spell. Problem: Mordack has turned himself into a ring of fire. How do I defeat him? Hint: Be sure to get the spells by thumbing through the old tome in Mordack's study. Then when Mordack comes after you as a ring of fire, select Crispin's wand from your inventory. Point the wand at Mordack and you'll be able to select from four spells. Select the rain cloud spell and you'll rid your kingdom of Mordack. Congratulations! You've won King's Quest V. Some hints for Pacland Written by Sorcerer of The Digital Dictators! An example for finding bonuses is: Jump over an obstacle,be it a fire hydrant,cactus or tree stump, then walk back against it to release the bonus. Obstacles on later levels allow Pac-Man to skip levels and award him with bonus balloons (find out for yourself what they are for)! Here are a few bonuses: Level one: A fire hydrant gives Pac-man a hard hat to protect him from falling ghosts. Level two: A tree stump gives invincibility for the rest of the level. Level three: Push a cactus for an extra life. That's all...Not much,but.... S P A C E Q U E S T I V H I N T S ---------------------------- On Xenon --------------------------------------- Problem: What do I do with pink rabbit? Hint: You need to snare the hare -- you'll need his battery later. You'll find a rope one screen east of the starting screen. Pick it up and walk between the two large red columns in the upper right side of the screen. Choose the rope from the inventory window, and click the ROPE icon on the ground to use it. When the bunny walks into the noose, click the HAND on the rope to catch him. Problem: What am I supposed to do with the rope? Hint: Use the rope to catch the rabbit. Pick it up and walk between the two large red columns in the upper right side of the screen. Choose the rope from the inventory window, and click the ROPE icon on the ground to use it. When the bunny walks into the noose, click the HAND on the rope to catch him. Problem: What do I do with the skimmer? Hint: Search the skimmer by clicking the HAND icon on it. Open the glove box and click the EYE on the object inside. It's a Pocket Pal terminal! Click the HAND to take it. Problem: What should I do with the tank and the unstable ordnance? Hint: You can't do anything with the tank itself, but you can take the "unstable ordnance" from inside. I don't suggest it, though, it is unstable! Problem: How do I avoid the cyborg and the Security Droid? Hint: The cyborg is really fairly harmless, and blind as a bat. Just stay out of his way, and he'll leave you alone. If he gets near you, he'll shriek to alert the Security Droid. There's no escape from the Security Droid. Problem: What about this Dome? Hint: The dome is Sequel Police headquarters, among other things. You can't get to the dome on foot. Later a ship will land, and you can catch a ride up there. Problem: Where else can I go? Hint: You can't get into any of the buildings on the street. If you've done everything you can on the street, it's time to go underground. On the northeast corner of the intersection is a sewer grate. Click the HAND icon on the grate to open it. ----------------------------- In the Sewers --------------------------------- Problem: What do I need from the Sanitation office? Hint: Click the HAND icon on the desk blotter for an important message. Don't forget to take the empty jar from the desktop! Problem: How do I get out of the Sanitation office? Hint: On the left side of the room is a door with a wheel on it. Click the HAND icon on the wheel to open the door, then click the WALK icon on the doorway to walk out. Problem: What should I do in the sewer? Hint: If you took the jar from the Sanitation office, use it to scoop up some of the green slime. Choose the jar from the inventory window, and walk around the sewer until the slime oozes out of one of the grates. Quickly click the JAR icon on the slime, then get away fast! Problem: How do I get out of the sewer? Hint: There's a ladder halfway down the west side of the sewer. Click the hand on it to climb up. When you're looking out at the street from under the manhole cover, wait for the spaceship to land and the Sequel Police to disperse before clicking the WALK icon on the street to exit your hiding place. Problem: What about this spaceship? Hint: The spaceship is the Sequel Police shuttle to and from the dome. If you're quick, you can sneak aboard and get a ride up there. Wait in the manhole until the Sequel Police disperse, then walk to the ship. Click the HAND icon on the open area just below the leg of the ship to get inside the landing gear compartment. Problem: How can I open the door in the landing bay? Hint: You can open the lock by pouring the green slime on it, but you won't be able to get any further until later in the game. Problem: How do I avoid getting shot by the Sequel Police? Hint: You need to steal a timepod from this area, but you're going to have to be sneaky about it. Wait for the second pod to land, and for the pilot to get out and walk up-screen. Quickly click the HAND icon on the pod to get in. Problem: I'm in the timepod, but I don't know what to do! Hint: The first thing you'll need is the User Identity Verification Pirate Protection Program code. The U.I.V.P.P.P. is located in Space Piston Magazine, in the Timebuster 2000SUX Road Test article by Y. Hugh Iotta. Next, make a note of the symbols on the little screen above the keypad -- those are the Xenon coordinates, and you'll have to come back here later. Now punch in six digits and press ENTER. Punch in six more and you're on your way. ------------------------------ Estros --------------------------------------- Problem: How do I avoid the Sequel Police? Hint: The best way to avoid the Sequel Police is to exit your pod and walk immediately to the far West side of the butte. After a large, formidable shadow passes over the ground, walk back to the pod and take the stairway down. There's a pterodactyl just waiting to give you a lift. Problem: What should I do in the nest? Hint: You need to search the Sequel Policeman's body. Click the HAND icon on the body. Problem: How can I escape the nest? Hint: To escape, click the WALK icon on the hole in the bottom right side of the nest. Problem: Help! I've been captured by the Latex Babes! Hint: These are the famed Latex Babes of Estros. You leave one of them at the altar in a future game, and they never forget a grudge. I'm afraid there's no way out of this one, you'll have to go with them. Click the WALK icon on the hatch to get in the sub. Problem: How can I get rid of the Sea Slug? Hint: When the slug's slimy tentacles are wrapped around your legs, click the HAND icon on the button on the arm of the chair. See those air tanks to the right of your chair? lick the HAND icon on the air tank nearest you. As quickly as you can, choose the air tank from your inventory window, and click the TANK icon on the slug's mouth. ---------------------- The Galaxy Galleria Mall ----------------------------- Problem: I just arrived at the mall. What do I do? Hint: First pick up the AutoBucks card the Latex Babes dropped. Next, you'll need some new clothes. From the top of the escalator, go West on the walkway. Stop at the Big and Tall Alien store and talk to the clerk. He's got just what you need. Problem: I need some more money. Hint: If you're dressed properly, go to Monolith Burger and talk to the manager. He'll give you a job. Save your game at this point, and earn as much money as you can. If you get fired, don't restore, just go back in and get hired again. You need to earn at least $26.00. Problem: How can I use the AutoBucks card? Hint: You'll need a clever disguise. Visit the Women's Clothing Store, and talk to the clerk -- if you have enough money, he can help you. When you're all dressed up, go back to the AutoBucks machine and Clean House. Problem: What should I do at the woman's clothing store? Hint: If you have enough money, you can buy a clever disguise here to fool the AutoBucks machine. Talk to the clerk, and he'll give you everything you need. Problem: What should I buy at the software store? Hint: Look in the bargain bin. There are lots of fun things to see here, but the only thing you need is the Space Quest IV hint book. Problem: What hints do I need from the hint book? Hint: There are two hints you'll need to complete the game. One is under the question about the "stupid timepod", the other is under the question about the Super Computer. Problem: What do I do in the arcade? Hint: Until you're finished at the mall, I don't advise wandering around the arcade. You can play Ms. Astro Chicken, it's the first game on the left side of the room. Be sure to approach it from the left, and click the HAND icon on it. When you've done everything you can here, come back and have a look around. Walk to the right, rear of the arcade, and wait for the Sequel Police. When they come, get out as fast as you can. Problem: What should I buy at Radio Shock? Hint: The item you need to buy from Radio Shock is the PocketPal terminal adaptor plug. There are several different plugs available, so before you buy one, you should know which one you'll need. To find out, you have to get inside the dome on Xenon and look carefully at the Super Computer terminal. Problem: What can I do at Monolith Burger? Hint: The manager at Monolith Burger would just love to give you a job. To earn a few extra Buckazoids, take him up on his offer. You'll need to earn at least $26.00. If you get fired, don't restore, just go back in and get hired again. Problem: What do I need to do before leaving the Galaxy Galleria Mall? Hint: Before you leave the Galaxy Galleria mall, you should buy a new Generic Space Hero suit from the Big & Tall men's clothing store, get a job at Monolith Burger and earn $26.00, buy the Space Quest IV hint book from the bargain bin at the software store, buy a clever disguise from the women's clothing store, and use the AutoBucks card to clean out Zondra's account. Problem: I've done everything at the mall, but I can't get any further! Hint: If you've done all you can at the mall, it's time to visit the arcade. Walk to the right, rear of the arcade, and wait for the Sequel Police to arrive. When they come, get out as fast as you can by clicking the WALK icon on the bottom right side of the screen. Problem: How do I escape the Sequel Police? Hint: Go to Skate-O-Rama and "swim" in the zero-gravity area, being careful to avoid laser blasts from Sequel Police weapons. The best way to ditch them is to start at the East entrance of Skate-O-Rama, swim up, across the top, and down to exit on the West side. Problem: I've ditched the Sequel Police, what do I do next? Hint: The next thing you need to do is swipe the timepod the Sequel Police came in. When you exit Skate-O-Rama, head for the arcade. Click the HAND icon on the timepod to enter it. Your next stop is Ulence Flats; use the code found in the Space Quest IV hint book to get you there. It's under the question about the Stupid Timepod. ------------------------- Ulence Flats -------------------------------------- Problem: I've just arrived at Ulence Flats. What do I do? Hint: Gee, isn't this place familiar? Well, Droids-B-Us is closed, and so is Tiny's. The only place you need to go is the bar. Be careful though, the place has really gone downhill since you were here last. Problem: How do I deal with the Monochrome Boys? Hint: There's nothing you can do about the Monochrome Boys, except to get back at them for what they did to you, and get them out of the way for a few minutes. When they throw you outside, click the HAND icon on their motorcycles. If you've already done this, go about your business quickly and get off this planet. You're in big trouble if they catch you now. Problem: I've dealt with the Monochrome Boys. What do I do next? Hint: Now that the Monochrome Boys are out of the way for a while, go back into the bar and get the book of matches off the counter. That's all you need from here. Problem: How can I leave Ulence Flats? Hint: Get back in your timepod and enter the coordinates for Xenon. They were on the screen when you first stole the pod -- I hope you wrote them down! ----------------------- The Second Trip to Xenon ---------------------------- Problem: How do I open the locked door? Hint: Pour the jar of slime on the lock to dissolve it, then click the HAND icon on the door to open it. Problem: I keep getting zapped by lasers in the tunnel! How can I get through? Hint: The items you'll need to get through this tunnel are a book of matches, and an old cigar butt. choose the matches from your inventory window. Click the MATCHES icon on the cigar butt. Now select the cigar butt from the window. Click on OK. Click the EYE icon on the keypad to get a close up view. Now look at the angles of each set of laseR beams. The object is to enter the correct rotation angle for each set, in order to place each in a straight up and down position. With this accomplished, you can walk through the tunnel unmolested. Problem: What are the correct rotation angles for the lasers? Hint: With the beams in the initial position (before you made any attempts to adjust them), and the flashing bar in the top window, press 156 on the keypad, and press ENTER. The second set of beams can be adjusted from the initial position by entering 024 into the keypad. To adjust the last set of beams from the initial position, enter 108 into the keypad. Problem: What do I do once I have made it through the tunnel? Hint: Now you're inside the Super Computer. If this is your first visit to this location, you need to get in and get out as fast as you can. You should be on a walkway. At intervals along this walkway are little boxes. These are terminals for the Super Computer. Click the EYE icon on the first terminal you see, and take a good look at the close-up view. You'll need to buy the PocketPal adaptor plug from Radio Shock that looks like the plug you see here. If you've already been here once, and have the correct plug, proceed to the hint section titled "Inside the Super Computer". Problem: How do I avoid the droid? Hint: If this is your first visit to this location, you can only avoid the Security Droids by getting in and out of this area as fast as you can. If you've already looked at the terminal, exit the area the way you came in. If you haven't, return to the previous menu and press 4 for a hint. Problem: Where do I go from Xenon? Hint: If you've been inside the Super Computer and taken note of the shape of the terminal plug, you need to return to the Galaxy Galleria Mall, and buy the correct adaptor from Radio Shock. The correct coordinates were on the timepod screen before you left the arcade. -------------------- Inside The Super Computer ------------------------------ Problem: What is my objective here? Hint: Once inside the Super Computer, you need to use your PocketPal to access the Super Computer. This way, you can monitor the movements of the Security Droids and avoid them as you explore. Your goals are to get to the Programming Chamber and start the formatting sequence that will erase Vohaul from the Super Computer, and to rescue your son, Roger Jr. Problem: How do I use the Pocket Pal? Hint: Choose the PocketPal terminal from the inventory window, then click the POCKETPAL icon on one of the terminals along the walkway. You should now see an overhead view of the area. The flashing grey rectangle represents you, the flashing blue or green octagon represents a Security Droid. Click on the POWER button to exit this view, and continue along the walkway, avoiding the path of the droid. Problem: My Pocket Pal won't work! Hint: You may have one of two problems. First, you need the battery from the bunny. From the inventory window, click the EYE icon on the bunny, then click the HAND icon on the battery. Now select the battery, and click the BATTERY icon on the PocketPal. If you've done this, and the PocketPal still won't work, you either need to get an adaptor plug from Radio Shock, or to exchange the plug you have for the correct one. Problem: Where is the programming chamber? Hint: From the tunnel door, walk one screen North, then one screen West. Take the left stairway down to the next screen, wait for the droid to appear on the right, then walk North again to the top of the stairway. From here walk one screen East, one South, and then proceed West to the programming chamber. Problem: How do I get inside the programming chamber? Hint: The correct code can be found in the Space Quest IV hint book, under the question "I'm in a room outside the Programming Chamber. . ." Problem: What should I do in the programming chamber? Hint: There are several icons on the screen, but only two are useful to you; the DROID icon, and the BRAIN icon. First, point the icon at the DROID icon, click the mouse button, drag the icon to the toilet, and release the mouse button. This will disable the Security Droids and make it easier for you to get around inside the Super Computer. Next, point the icon at the BRAIN icon, click the mouse button, drag the icon to the toilet, and release the mouse button. This will initiate the formatting sequence that will destroy Vohaul. The counter at the bottom left side of the screen tells you how much time you have to rescue Roger Jr. Whatever you do, DON'T put the SQ4 icon into the toilet!! Problem: Where is Roger Jr.? Hint: From the Programming Chamber, walk three screens East, one screen North, then one screen West to the stairway. Take either stairway down, and proceed West to the glass elevator. Arriving at level 3, walk one screen North, one screen East, then North into Vohaul's chamber. Problem: How do I rescue Roger Jr.? Hint: You can only rescue Roger Jr. if you have initiated the formatting sequence. If you have done this, walk toward the edge of the platform, and a bridge will extend to Roger Jr.'s platform. Walk across the bridge. Use the mouse or Arrow keys to fight Roger Jr, and force him back into the beam. When he's caught in the beam again, climb down the ladder on the left side of the platform. When you come back up, the disk will be in your inventory. Click the DISK icon on the disk drive, and a menu will appear. Click on BEAM UPLOAD to upload Vohaul into the Super Computer. Click on DISK UPLOAD to upload Roger Jr. into the Super Computer. Click on Roger Jr.'s name, then on BEAM DOWNLOAD. Roger Jr. will be downloaded into his body, and Vohaul will be formatted. . 4 tT.. 4 tUTANT6 BAKt UUNTIM1 DOCDt vMUTANT6 DOC#t xO`n&?AON= A@0B0N4`?<NNTJgBgHxHx?<NNO pHaWNpKaLpPaKpMaKpRaKC큀aP?<NNTAa6paM8paM6paM4paM2aM: <aFXApa6T <r4<A@a3g A@Cp""tApa4/ <r4<Apa3gBmvN&A aONaSbvptraMvptraMvptraLvptraLvptraLvptraLvptraLvptraLvptraLvptr aLvptr aLvptr aLvptr aL~vptr aLrvptraLfvptraLZa?4-vfN2 <r4<Apa3"gN"P <r4<Apa3gN <r4<Apa2gN$ <r4<Apa2gN% <r4<Apa2gN& <r4<Apa2gN' <r4<Apa2zgN( <r4<Apa2^gN* <r4<Apa2BgN+$ <r4<Apa2&gN,R <r4<Apa2 gN- <r4<Apa1gN. <r4<Apa1gN1 <r4<Apa1gN/ <r4<Apa1gN0NupaJ2paJ0paJ.paJ,aJ4?<NNTSg?<HxHx?<NNO aPpraJjvptraJNvptraJBvptraJ6A큘a1`aNvptraH2vptraH&vptraHpraH"aTvEpaPtP2<aJEpKaPtPraJEOpKaPtZraJ|EpLaPtdraJhEp!aP4<2<aJPaOaP:/ablga:NuA0B0AX0B0aaH0 A퀨a06 A퀰a0, A퀸a0"A퀨C""A퀰C""aMvEp aL2A큼aD$prCa]DEp aL A8aLzprCa](aLEpaOaaAX 24abaaprGa\aKEpaOaa <r4<AXa.Dabraapra\EpPaKA퀘0B0AXC퀠"" <r4<AXa-A퀠aH^f2A퀘a.ra\p. x tW.. x t HISTORY DOCyt Xl VARIOUS DOC|t \w) THE HISTORY OF TOUR DE FORCE as told by DARKMAN Once upon a time, there were two ST owners. These two people were called BIG mac and MegaMan (that's how they were written). One day, these self same people got hold of Master Sound, and you guessed it, made billions of sample demos with it. Fortunately for us and the entire world, none (I repeat NONE) of these demos were ever released. Then, in early 1991, the being known as MegaMan said unto BIG mac: 'Why the hell doth we be making cruddy sample demos, when there are languages to be learnt?'. BIG mac replied, 'I wish I didst know, O MegaMan'. And hence it came to be that MegaMan learned STOS whilst BIG mac made the zix in TCB Tracker, with the sounds being made with afore mentioned M.S. After five months, MegaMan didst phone BIG mac and said: 'I have finally worked out the STOS commands. I can now start doing my own stuff.' To which BIG mac did sayeth, 'Hoorah!'. After another two months, these two beings didst get fed up with their names, and hence became known as Scorpion and Darkman, with the crew called TOUR DE FORCE.... They also decided that now was the time to release a demo. After two more weeks, they had completely finished a demo, which they enchristened CHECKMATE. After this was released, Darkman decided that STOS was crap. And bought Turbo Assembler instead. He bought some books and started learning 68000. After one month of owning Turbo Assembler, he has done sod all with it. He is supposed to be writing a demo, but all that is done of this so far is the design for a few screens (don't worry, we'll get round to it eventually!). The demo mentioned in the previous paragraph is to be called IMAGITRON. Don't ask where the name came from. We don't know either. After IMAGITRON, no-one outside of Salvador Dali knows what T-deF will do, and since he's been dead since 1989, no-one knows. At all. Be warned, though, the next products shall be damn good.. Darkman of The Tourists of Force AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!! I have just had a vision, in which Salvador Dali, appeared before me and did say (surreally).... 'Oh yea, yea oH. Carpet no hippos in Caerphilly, for the elephants of reflected tree stumps shall not.' Rough Translation For Non-Surrealists:- 'Ah yeah! T-deF shall make some games, which will be very good indeed. T-deF shall also make one of the most original demos in history, with an astounding main menu.' Rough Translation For Ancient Egyptians:- 'Squiggle,Eagle,Eagle,Wavy Line,Box,Squiggle,Squiggle,Dead Camel, Eye,Wavy Line,Double Squiggle' Credits For These Translations:- Non-Surrealists by Scorpion and Darkman Ancient Egyptians by Darkman (inspired by Terry Pratchett novel -Pyramids-Real Funny Author) They do now. Copyright (c) MCMXCI Tour de Force Hello there. Glad you could join us on this lovely article. My name is Darkman, and this is a rather jumbled mess of a document featuring various bits and pieces (no, it's not like that Radio 1 Roadshow thingy). Much better. --> A Poem <--- Inked Ravens Of Despair Claw Holes In The Arse Of The World's Mind Taken from the book:- A Bit Of Fry & Laurie Scrotal threats unhorse a question of flowers I asked for answers and got a headful of heroin in return When Time fell wanking to the floor, they kicked his teeth My body disgusts, damp grease wafts sweat balls from sweat balls and thigh fungus A girl strips in my mind, squeezes my last pumping drop of hope and rolls me over to sleep alone Fireball the dead cities of the mind and watch the skin peel and warp Unhappy bubbles of anal wind popping and winking in the mortal bath The End I think there is more to it than that, but I don't know what. Never mind. Let's move on to the next bit... --> Phrases <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force In order to gain the maximum annoyance factor, choose one phrase per day and incorporate it into as many sentences as you can (you have to make sure it makes sense though, unless everybody knows you're an Abstractist, Randomist or Surrealist (see appropriate section)) Quite Blatantly - Darkman Innit Marvellous - Paul Merton So They Say - Darkman I'm A Russian Person - Scorpion --> Religion <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force At our school, we have formed a new religion. Frisbeetarianism. We got the idea from Bono of U2 and decided to start it for ourselves. We worship the Sacred Frisbee Of Throe and we believe that when you die your soul goes up on a rooftop and you can never get it back again. --> Ist's <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force Not only have we formed a new religion, we also formed some new movements, all ending in -ist (hence the title). We started off with just Surrealist (which we didn't form) and created the following movements:- Subrealists -believe that there is a reality worse than the sensed one and believe that there are 7 symptoms of the apocalypse. We only ever saw the seventh (lot's of seagulls in one place) but we hadn't saw the other 6 so it didn't matter. Subrealism imploded during 'Neighbours' on Monday December 2, 1991. There had been one follower. SUBREALISM RUSTS IN PEACE Abstractists -believe that the world is abstract and so speak in abstract sentences all the time. There are currently no followers. Randomists -are something like Abstractists, but they believe the world is random. They spread random sentences randomly during conversations, often turning the conversation (previously serious) into something like a comedy. Their timing is often second perfect, and are useful for relieving the tension of a very serious situation. There are currently 3 followers of this movement. --> Demos <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force Have you noticed that during a typical year in the demo world, about 90% of stuff is released during the winter months. The trade only starts to pick up in August and falters again in February (roughly). This means that most demo crews work on their products during the summer. This would be OK, but I've got better things to do with my time in the summer (look, that fits under summer) than code all day. Maybe if it's raining. Never if it's sunny. That's why we managed to release our first STOS demo on August 1 1991 (it rained most of the summer in 1991 (well, in Scotland it did anyway)) and it's also why we have just started work on our Imagitron demo (planned at first for Christmas '91, changed to Easter '92 and its starting to look likely that it may be the summer before we release it). --> Demos II <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force It shows that I'm stuck for topics when I write about the same subject twice without another in between, doesn't it? Anyway, what angle shall I take here? Quality? Main menus? Yeah, main menus... Have you noticed that main menus seem to be ending up the same as every other one (with one or two exceptions)? I mean, the idea of guiding a guy over a sync scrolling landscape to the doors isn't exactly original is it? Sure, the programming is first rate (it's not every coder that knows how to sync scroll without at least a little hint) and even then, only a few of these demos (two or three) have bi-directional scrolling. Like I said, there are a few exceptions. For example, both Skid Row (Alliance) and Stupendous (Pixel Twins) have Dungeon Master style menus, and Ooh Crikey, Wot A Scorcher (Lost Boys) had a really original menu, using a 3D system similar to that of Simulcra. I read an editorial of this mag the other day, when Mat said that he would make a Gods style menu. This is taking the platform game thing one step further, and killing it stone dead afterwards. Gods was a great game, and it should stand up really well as a menu. After that though, nobody can claim their demo is really original if it has a platform style menu. NEXTs Phaleon Demo should be good, as it has TWO menus, a Dungeon Master one (half-meg) and a Shadow of the Beast one (one-meg). Shadow of the Beast is sort of a platform game, but it's a bit different. I imagine that this Beast menu will probably be better than the original game! Our Imagitron demo will (probably) have a menu similar to Lotus Turbo Challenge. I can't say any more than that, as Scorpion has said that I can't tell anyone about it (it was his idea). Again, our menu will be better than the original (well, sort of). For a start, we should hopefully have a tracker tune playing whilst you drive, as opposed to the cruddy chip sounds (I refuse to call it music) of the original Lotus. We won't have any other cars apart from the user's one (to save on memory amongst other things) and I doubt if we'll have any of the features Lotus 2 has. Never mind though. We have started thinking about our next demo (after Imagitron) and so far we have the title (Visual Mirage) and the menu concept (*-Deleted-*). However, this demo is still a long way off (with the menu itself taking about a year (on and off) to design and develop!). By 'long way off', I mean a 'long way off'. We're talking about Christmas 1993 as an 'ooooohhh, that's pushing it' type release date. Well that's enough on this subject, let's do something else. --> Something Else (About Demos) <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force Recently, a lot of demos have started including games in them. By that I mean full-price quality jobs, twenty times better than most other stuff available at full-price. Take Syntax Terror (Delta Force) for example. It had two games on it, as well as having the most amount of screens on a single disk demo ever! These two games were, to say the least, majestic. Then the stupendous Stupendous Demo (Pixel Twins) was released with a game of Defender on it! Wow! Majestic Supremacy Man! All three, masterworks of code! Even more recently, I had an idea, decided it was crap, and threw it away again. Then I had another, better idea. That idea was to write a game for the Imagitron demo. Then I couldn't think of a game concept and went to sleep again. When I woke up, I had the best idea of all these ideas just mentioned. I would try to make Visual Mirage one of the biggest demos ever on ST OR Amiga (quite difficult, as there is a Pink Floyd demo on Amiga over SIX disks). As a sneaky plan (also designed to make V.M. one the best demos ever), I decided that I would let the crews write games for V.M. if they wanted to. Obviously, I would have to put a limit on the size of these codes (after packing) so I decided on that, called Scorpion and we both said 'WOW!' (It was spooky). This limit is to be 150K (remember, that's after packing). There is no room for flash intro sequences, just a simple title screen (that is, if you want to make your game any good). Any crew can send a screen (game or demo) but only one game per crew is allowed, and up to 3 demo screens. Remember that Visual Mirage is not due until at least Christmas '93, so get developing those games to perfection and send them to me!! Not every game will be used, only the best and most original ones, but we will try to use all the screens we receive. --> A Plea To Demo Crews <-- by Darkman of Tour de Force Amiga crews are first class A-holes. Everyone knows that. ST Crews are much better. Everyone knows that. Everyone also knows that Amiga demos are, on average, more original than ST Demos (most annoying statistic Scorpion has told me this year). You've read my moan about the state of main menus, so let's keep up the recent revival of ST Demos and blow the Amiga crews off this world. I've noticed that ST Menus are better than Amiga menus (mainly because most Amiga demos don't have 'menus' as such) , so at least we're leading in one part. We can beat these Amiga freaks. We can kill Commodore! LET US BE ORIGINAL FOR OUR SAKE'S! (wow, what an orator) WOW! This text is massive! It's about... (does quick calculation) 10K!! I hope Mat can fit it on disk! But I did have quite a lot to write about (as you have seen!), so Adios! Ciao! Auf Wiedhersehn! Goodbye! Get Lost! Darkman of Tour de Force (c) 7 December MCMXCI Whuuuuppsssss!! Slight mistook here. If you are to send me screens and stuff then you'll need my address. We're also looking for a decent graphist (enclose examples of work if possible). We'll also write guest screens for anybody who wants us to. We also accept people who want to chat. The Address. Darkman 5 Reedlands Drive Denny Stirlingshire FK6 5NX SCOTLAND *-BE WARNED -- UNSOLICITED MEETINGS WILL BE, UMM, DISCARDED?-* Enclose SAE or IRC unless you send a disk or are applying for the position of T-deF Graphist. Dat's all, folks. .  tg..  t KILL1 S Kt l8INTERVEWSPD%t KILL2 S t 8KILL3 S t A퀠a.("m6aeaC(A퀘aFaHZfGa`H0 A퀨a. A퀰a. 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THE SOURCE cd's offer real value for money when it comes to buying PD (demos especially). Take menu 41, for instance, on the disk their is THE WALKER DEMOS 1 and 2. In most PD libraries each demo would come on a double sided disk, so thats two disks. Some PDL's even charge 3.00 per disk, so that would be 6.00 for the two demos. At THE SOURCE P.D you can get both demos on one disk for a mere 1.50. Need I say any more? +------------+----------------------------------------------------+----------+ | | THE SOURCE P.D. -THE OFFICIAL LIST | | +------------+----------------------------------------------------+----------+ To order your disk(s) from THE SOURCE PD, enclose a cheque for 1.50 per disk wanted, made payable to: THE SOURCE P.D. Enclosing a list of disk codes, and description (only need be brief). Postage is included for orders of more than 10 disks, otherwise it is 50p postage. Your order will be processed as soon as possible (an order of 50 disks will obviously take a few days). Write to the following address: THE SOURCE P.D. 7 SHEARWATER LANE NORTON STOCKTON-ON-TEES CLEVELAND TS20 1SH ENGLAND To get yourself an up to date catalogue, just send 50p to the above address..  tp..  t PIXELS DOC t q<THE_TRIPDOCt / THE PIXEL TWINS Who or what are the Pixel Twins? Before we give you the gory details, we must first take a trip back through the mists of time to the days of the ZX Spectrum. Our heroes were a small group of computer nuts who frequented the Wandsworth Computer Club (no longer running) and all had a weird sence of humour. They used to swap their slideshows with the other members and wrote the odd game or two. One of their last projects was a joke teletext called Bumfax which did the rounds and even reached as far as Brighton! But enough of that, the ST appeared and the STB's as they were then known decided that this was a mean computer to own. Mug UK as he is now known was the first to get one closely followed by Nod, who got his for the price of three C64 pictures from a local computer shop. Next came PCM who tried the same stunt but didn't quite get away with it. Within half a year Milli Pixel had also become the proud owner of an ST (at a disgustingly cheap price from an Atari show). After a series of cross words and death threats, Mug UK went his own way and was last heard of as living in Wales and working at a club called The Blue Oyster. This left Ed who has a half meg ST but will soon upgrade. Where did the name come from? One day when Nod and Milli were stuck in traffic on the way back from Stoke, they were discussing the name of the STB's and how it didn't sound jolly enough, it was in this same traffic jam that Milli came up with the idea of The Pixel Twins. He then went on to the idea of T-shirts, posters, chocolate bars, etc., etc., until Nod had to hit him about the face and neck with a rubber hose in order for him to calm down. Milli has since left the group and is now somewhere in North London. That was the story, here are the facts. ------ NAME: The Highlander AGE: 2 LOOKS: Like a lumberjack STATUS: Single (but available) POSITION IN GROUP: Programmer FAVE FILM: Terminator 2 WORST FILM: ------- FAVE GIRL: The blonde one at college FAVE DEMO: Stupendous (OK I'm biased.) WORST DEMO: FAVE SAYING: Gosh! FAVE GROUP: Metallica FAVE DRINK: Lager FAVE FOOD: Food FAVE GAME: WORST GAME: Eco FAVE TV SHOW: Neighbours WORST TV SHOW: The Test Card FAVE BOOK: Penthouse HABITS: Sleeping, drinking, sleeping, programming. CLOTHES: Jeans, heavy metal T-shirts and a lumberjack shirt. HOBBIES: (SEE HABITS......) -------- NAME: DML (Short, isn't it?) AGE: 19 LOOKS: Like 12. (One more like that and i'll put bugs in yer demos - DML) STATUS: Single (but available) POSITION IN GROUP: 68000 Programming,Graphics,Sound FAVE FILMS: Aliens, T2, Alien, T1, Akira. (In any order you like) WORST FILM: I don't watch crap films... Well, not usually. FAVE VIDEO: JVC E180 (they last ages) FAVE GIRL: All of them. (Yes girls, this man is a stud - Nod.) FAVE DEMO: Alien Breed. (Ok, so it's an Umeega game but if you take out the end of level baddies and replace them with screens, it would make a cracking main menu... WORST DEMO: Anything containing rasterbars and volume level meters has got to be put in the bin. FAVE SAYING: I'll need to back up my HD soon, I'll do it tomorrow. FAVE ARTIST: Jean Michel-Jarre (You know.. the one that goes, WEEAAAOOOWWW WWOOOOOAAASSSHHHH HEEEAAWWWOOOOOAAAOOOOOOWWWWWAAA BBBLAAAAHHHHHH BLAAAGGGHHHHH or something similar anyway.... FAVE DRINK: Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, (If it can get the stains out of NOD's ST, it has to be good.) FAVE FOOD: Spinach (Every time he eats it, this tune plays!! - NOD ) ( Where did you get that from? Is that supposed to be funny ore something? - DML ) CLAIM TO FAME: He did the between scenes for Chase HQ 2 and Hydra. ( Bog off, NOD. That was a long time ago. - DML ) FAVE GAMES: Dungeon Master, Damocles, Turrican II, Eye Of The Beholder. ( If they don't convert this to the ST, then I will...) WORST GAME: Weird Dreams FAVE COMIC: Aliens (First/second series), Akira FAVE COMIC CHARACTER: Alien FAVE TV SHOW: Married With Children WORST TV SHOW: Neighbours FAVE BOOK: The Stainless Steel Rat HABITS: Dressing up as an Alien and hiding in air shafts. CLOTHES: Jeans, big wooly jumpers and a leather jacket. HOBBIES: Programming and paint balling. --------- NAME: Prof. Fly AGE: 20 LOOKS: Like a typical heavy metal fanatic STATUS: Single (but available) POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics FAVE FILM: Aliens, Terminator 2. WORST FILM: Warlords From Atlantis FAVE GIRL: Julia Roberts FAVE DEMO: Stupendous & Motley Crue 1 by Nod WORST DEMO: Anything with a Pet Shop Boys' sample! FAVE SAYING: I'm the best at what I do! FAVE GROUP: Motley Crue BEST CONCERT: The Almighty, Edinburgh Network '89 FAVE DRINK: Irn Bru FAVE FOOD: Cauliflower cheese CLAIM TO FAME: I can be seen in The Almighty's "Wild And Wonderful" video. FAVE GAME: Speedball 2, Super Sprint, Bubble Bobble WORST GAME: Eco FAVE COMIC: The X-Men FAVE COMIC CHARACTER: Wolverine FAVE TV SHOWS: Married With Children, Dream On & Crimewatch UK WORST TV SHOW: Neighbours FAVE BOOK: It by Stephen King HABITS: Shouting, screaming loudly when losing at Super Sprint, annoying big sister for money, food, etc, sleeping. CLOTHES: Jeans, heavy metal T-shirts and a pair of tatty boots! (The jeans must have gaping holes at the knees.) HOBBIES: Collecting comics, driving, going to concerts, listening to The Almighty at unhealthy volumes, sleeping... (He also leaves salt and penny bombs in sugar bowls at resturants.) --------- NAME: LD AGE: 22 STATUS: Married LOOKS: Small POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics and would-be musician! FAVE FILMS: The Princess Bride, Batman, Lord Of The Rings WORST FILM: Slipstream, Someone To Watch Over Me FAVE GUY: Nod FAVE DEMO: STUPENDOUS, So Watt? by The CareBears WORST DEMO: Max Headroom by The Firm FAVE SAYING: Why? FAVE ARTIST: Thomas Dolby BEST CONCERT: Howard Jones at the Edinburgh Playhouse in 1986 FAVE DRINK: Apple juice FAVE FOOD: Strawberries CLAIM TO FAME: I was on Radio Scotland for a competition. FAVE GAME: The Secret Of Monkey Island WORST GAME: Eco FAVE COMIC: Excalibur FAVE COMIC CHARACTER: Shadowcat of Excaliber FAVE TV SHOW: Cheers WORST TV SHOW: Cop Rock!! FAVE BOOK: The Mirror Of Her Dreams and A Man Rides Through by Stephen Donaldson, Mort by Terry Pratchett HABITS: Combing my hair, asking "Why?" all of the time, biting my lip CLOTHES: Anything black, things from Warehouse HOBBIES: Collecting records and books, going to concerts and the cinema, eating out (vegetarian only) and writing to penpals. 10-Pin Bowling. --------- NAME: 7T7 PIXEL AGE: 25 POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics and ideas STATUS: Single FAVE FILM: Batman, Plan 9 From Outer Space, anything with Godzilla. WORST FILM: Gor (low budget video only release). FAVE BOOKS/MAGS: It by Stephen King, the Gor series by John Norman, Martians, Go Home by Fredric Brown any horror or sci- fi, 2000AD and Viz FAVE TV SHOW: Blake's 7, Dr. Who, Mission Impossible, anything by Gerry Anderson (except Terrahawks) and Ninja Turtles. WORST TV SHOW: Neighbours, Home And Away and Cop Rock! CLOTHES: Nothing but shades (oohooh! here's Rudie!) FAVE GIRL: The twins from Neighbours (never seen it though) BEST LAUGH: When Nod coated his hand in molten plastic (ouch!) FAVE DEMO: Stupendous Mindbomb by The Lost Boys, Counterpoint by The Lost Boys (Actually it's called Roller 1), Fingerbobs New Year Demo, Dark Side Of The Spoon. WORST DEMO: Anything by Mug UK, the one by the J. Bros. that just had a picture of a spaceman with a peeping sample and was half a meg in size! FAVE SAYING: Cawabunga!, cider frenzy. FAVE MUSIC: Yello, Whitesnake, ZZ Top, Altered Images, Iggy Pop. BEST CONCERT: Watching the buskers at Covent Garden. FAVE DRINK: Cider, Irn-Bru, Mars Milk, Skol 1080. FAVE FOOD: Chips, kebabs, smoked salmon, Yorkie bars, Tunnock's Tea Cakes and Twix. CLAIM TO FAME: Once pulled faces behind Esther Rantzen on That's LIfe. FAVE GAME: Gauntlet 2 (with 4 players playing - how about some more 3- 4 player games all you software houses?). WORST GAME: Golden Axe. (It was destroyed by Probe!!) HOBBIES: D&D, collecting computer animations eg. Luxo Jnr. HABITS: Sleeping. ------ NAME: NOD PIXEL AGE: 27 (The old man of the group - Prof. Fly) STATUS: Spoken for ( IE. Married ) POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics, programming and sampling boffin. LOOKS: Lovely. CLOTHES: Jeans, T-shirts and shades. FAVE GIRL: LD FAVE SAYING: We've got a XXXX situation. (Where XXXX = the subject. Eg. We've got a nymphomaniac situation here.) FAVE FILMS: Batman, Alien/s, Mad Max 1,2 & 3, Nightmare On Elm Street 1,2,3 etc, Terminator 1 & 2, Predator, Evil Dead 2, Star Trek 2 & 3, The Empire Strikes Back, Back To The Future 1 & 2, Robot Jox, Life Of Brian and loads and loads more. WORST FILM: Slipstream!! I hate it! I HATE IT!!!!!, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (over-rated crap). FAVE TV SHOW: Star Trek/The Next Generation, Bilko, Cheers, Dr. Who, Black Adder, Married With Children, Dream On, Sledge Hammer, Police Squad, The Young Ones, Bottom, Roadrunner cartoons and Monty Python. WORST TV SHOW: The Word, anything that Murial Grey or Les Dennis appears in, Home And Away, My Two Dads. BEST LAUGH: The time that Milli, Mug Uk(Bunnyarse), Taz and myself went camping in Scotland and Milli nearly hit a bus! (See story in this or other edition of the Ledgers.) FAVE ARTISTS: Art Of Noise, Yello, Aerosmith, Belinda Carlisle, Debbie Harry/Blondie, ZZ Top, Bruce Dickinson, Poison, Tranny Vamp, and The Eurythmics. FAVE FOOD: Double Whopper with cheese, Super Supreme pizzas from Pizza Hut, Doner Kebabs, haggis and chips, Death By Chocolate, Cadbury's Fruit & Nut and biscuit and raisin Yorkie bars. FAVE DRINK: Cider (except Merrydown), Pepsi, Irn Bru, cream soda, tea and Mars Milk. CLAIM TO FAME: Was nearly run down by Rowan Atkinson (the git). Once did a joystick review in Your Sincair (No. 2). FAVE GAME: Dungeon Master, Chaos Strikes Back, Elite, Atic Atac, Splat, Rainbow Islands, Lemmings and Beast Busters in the arcade. WORST GAME: Wanderer in 3D, The Great Space Race. FAVE MAG: 2000AD and Batman. FAVE COMIC CHARACTERS: Judge Dredd, Judge Anderson, Batman, V For Vendetta and Axel Pressbutton. FAVE BOOK: It, the Hitch Hiker series, The Stainless Steel Rat series, The Rats series, the Gor series, any really good horror or sci-fi book. Martians, Go Home is dead funny. FAVE DEMO: Stupendous, The Decade Demo, Mindbomb by The Lost Boys, The Dark Side Of The Spoon, The Cuddly Demos and Gruesel (the ghosts in the graveyard). WORST DEMO: The spaceman one by the J Brothers. (It was a picture of an astronaut with a peep peep sample!) HOBBIES: Ten-Pin Bowling, photography, going to the pictures, making sci-fi models, doing the odd piccy on the ST or with my airbrush, used to make Thunderbirds type films in Super 8 with PCM. HABITS: Playing Peter Gunn and Wipeout on the guitar over and over again (LD). -------- NAME: PCM AGE: 26 LOOKS: Nothing like the passport photo STATUS: Single POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics, programmer FAVE DRINK: Midori, Strongbow, Sunkist, tea FAVE FOOD: Anything with no boiled potatoes CLOTHES: Anything with no designer label! FAVE SAYING: This is true. FAVE FILM: Bladerunner, Star Trek (all of them), Terminator 2. WORST FILM: Soppy ones, French and subtitled films FAVE GIRL: Kate Bush FAVE BOOK: Empire Of The Atom by Ae Van Vogt, Slan, all the Hitchhiker and Stainless Steel Rat books FAVE GAME: Gods, Buggy Boy, Impact, Trip-A-Tron WORST GAME: Roland In Time FAVE DEMO: Stupendous, Cuddly Demos by The CareBears WORST DEMO: Spaceman by the J Brothers FAVE GROUP: Art Of Noise, Yello, Kate Bush, Iron Maiden, Jean-Michel Jarre BEST CONCERT: Jean-Michel Jarre at the London Docklands (mad fool, got wet) CLAIM TO FAME: Next Generation demo reviewed in The One FAVE COMIC/MAG: Next Generation, ST Format HOBBIES: Making videos, computing, sculpting, photography, sleeping, watching Star Trek, collecting bollards (yes, the cast iron ones that you see lining roads in Clapham Junction). HABITS: Recording Irwin Allen shows, Cup A Soup breakfasts, going to work (but trying to stop) -------- NAME: ED PIXEL AGE: Can't remember (22 would be a good guess - Nod) LOOKS: Like an Ewok (but the Ewok's better looking) STATUS: Single POSITION IN GROUP: Graphics FAVE DRINK: Southern Comfort by the barrel FAVE FOOD: Everything CLOTHES: Loincloth and shades (oohooh!) FAVE SAYING: Um... FAVE FILM: Terminator 2, Predator 2, Aliens WORST FILM: Love Story, Slipstream FAVE GIRL: Elspeth (girlfriend), Donna Collins (see Pin-Up Girls 2) BEST LAUGH: When PCM, Nod and myself went to a Pizza Land and I discovered that I'd come out without my new visa card. Nod and myself examined our cash and found that we had the grand total of 3.50 and the bill was 18! PCM had gone to the loo so we didn't know how much cash he had. Ages later with the manager hanging over us PCM reappeared, and we were dead lucky as PCM had enough readies to pay the bill. FAVE BOOK: The Mirror Of Her Dreams and A Man Rides Through by Stephen Donaldson FAVE GAME: It's still G-Loc WORST GAME: Space Invaders BEST DEMO: Stupendous, Ooh Wot A Scorcher & State Of The Art. WORST DEMO: Spaceman by the J Brothers FAVE GROUP: Transvision Vamp, Meatloaf BEST CONCERT: Meatloaf in 1988, (he also went to see Madonna in '89 and was at the same show where she swore on Radio 1) CLAIM TO FAME: Meeting Danny Baker (who?) FAVE COMIC: Sunday Sport HOBBIES: Karate, ST-ing, going out with girls HABITS: Picking nose, scratching bum (and licking finger afterwards) ------ And there you have it. This questionaire was compiled on 23/11/91 and is not to be taken too seriously. Lookout for the Pixel Twins CHRISTMAS DEMO due out any CHRISTMAS this CENTURY. THE TRIP (OR HOW THE STB's (SOON TO BE PIXEL TWINS) RAN RIOT AND FOUND LOVE.) THE PLAYERS: NOD, MILLI, LD, FIONA, TAZ AND MUG UK. PART ONE: THE JOURNEY. It all began one hot sunny day back in September '87. It was the 3rd and Milli had just been given back his driving licence after a six month ban (it had been 3 months but Milli had tried to haggle with the judge). The smokemobile had been loaded with Milli and Nod's camping equipment (a rucksack each and two tents) and was waiting for Taz and Mug to appear. Taz and Mug eventually turned up with their camping bits (a bag of food, a rucksack, two holdalls, another bag, two tents and yet another bag). After a struggle to fit these extras ours heroes eventually set off for sunny Scotland. Little did they know what lay before them. "Don't worry, the car's all fixed," said Milli, as they chugged down the road, "I was working on it yesterday. Mind you, we ought to stick to the A roads as it won't cost much if we break down." All went well for the first 200 miles when, all of a sudden, the car started to overheat. "That's funny, I thought I'd fixed that," remarked Milli. Milli drove the car to the side of the road and everybody got out and walked around while Milli opened the bonnet and was steamed alive. "I'll see if I can get some water from that house," said Mug, pointing to the house. He then picked up the water container which Milli had for such occasions and set off. "Watch out for big hungry dogs," said Nod. Moments later a lot of barking could be heard. Everybody looked around and saw Mug making his way back at speed with a full container of water. The water was poured into the radiator and once more our heroes set off on their journey. Camp was set up over night, well, everyone slept in the car in the middle of a country layby with no company apart from a courting couple that had stopped down the road for a quick bonk. The next morning our intrepid explorers set off once more, (giving the courting couple a fright as they didn't realise that they'd had an audience) soon they would be in Lanark. PART TWO: THE ARRIVAL Our heroes arrived in Lanark on the Friday morning, Nod was dropped off at LD's house and the others went to explore New Lanark. In New Lanark there was a long nature walk and our heroes were determined to find live food. Through treacherous undergrowth they cut their way (ignoring the footpath) until they reached the end. The bridge was out. Hours later our heroes returned to the car. That night they stayed at a camp site. Saturday arrived, that night Nod and Mug were to go to a disco with LD and Fiona. Taz and Milli were to get pissed. First a trip to Edinburgh was arranged. Nod, LD, Taz, Fiona, Mug and Milli squeezed into the smokemobile and off they went. On arriving in Edinburgh an hour later Milli and Taz impressed the girls by walking down Princes Street with invisible umbrellas. A slap up meal was arranged at the well known Pancake Place where Milli ordered for everybody including Oscar (his glove puppet). Milli was most upset to discover that Oscar was not entitled to the children's menu, he was eventually consoled when Nod pointed out that he could order a baked potatoe and Oscar could have that. Unfortunately, Oscar did not behave and Nod was forced to pin him to the table with a spare fork. After the meal the gang set off for Arthur's Seat, whereupon Taz promptly disappeared and Mug and Milli had to look for him. Taz was eventually discovered being chased by a large insect the size of which can usually be seen fighting Godzilla. After a brief battle with Waspra the trio returned to the car to prepare for the return journey to Lanark. "I know a short cut," said Fiona. Two and a half hours later, after exploring most of the Scottish countryside the group finally arrived back in Lanark. LD and Fiona were dropped off and the rest of the gang went back to the campsite. Hours later the group set off to meet LD and Fiona. After meeting the two girls, Taz and Milli left Nod and Mug and went to the pub. Taz was wearing his Captain Condom T-shirt and Milli was wearing his combat jacket. They spotted a likely pub and went in. The pub went quiet as everybody in it turned around to see what had come in. "Hi there," said Milli, to noone in particular. "A flagon of your finest cider please master innkeeper." "I'll have the same," said Taz. "Two pints of cider it is," said the barman. Milli turned round and noticed that they were still the centre of attention in the pub. "Hi there," said Milli (trying not to think of that scene from An American Werewolf In London). Meanwhile, Nod and Mug were strutting their funky thing at the disco. (Actually, LD and Fiona were doing the dancing while Nod and Mug were downing lots of cider and were being deafened by their table that turned out to be one of the smaller speakers.) "Let's spike their drinks," yelled Mug, as he eyed up the glasses as they danced across the table. "I think my ears are bleeding," said Nod. Mug poured his cider into Fionas orange. "Do you think she'll notice?" said Mug. "It's got a head," said Nod. "You've given the orange a head!" "You reckon she'll notice then?" said Mug. "Hi girls," said Nod, as the girls returned to the table. "What's happened to my drink?" said Fiona, looking at the froth. Meanwhile, back at the campsite, Milli and Taz had returned with various bottles. It was now half past twelve. "Letch have a shong," said Taz. Taz and Milli then burst into song. Within minutes lights started to come on in the surrounding caravans. "Hey! There's a full moon," said Taz. "I'm a werewolf, owoooh!" "Oohooh!" went Milli, and promptly fell over. He then crawled into the tent. It was now around one in the morning. Back at the disco Nod and Mug were dancing with the girls as it was the last dance. Nod took LD home to her house whilst Mug took Fiona to her house. After dropping off LD, Nod made his his way back to the campsite. There was no sign of Mug as he passed Fionas houuse, all the lights were now off. "Hey Billy," came a voice. Nod looked around. Two guys were standing in a shop doorway. They came out into the light. "My name's not Billy," replied Nod. "Don't lie, Billy. You're going to get it," said the nearest guy. "I doubt it," said Nod. The nearest guy took a swing and collasped. Nods boot had connected with his privates. "You've busted my balls!" squeaked the first guy. "Lucky shot needle dick," replied Nod. "I'll get you tomorrow, Billy," said the guy on the floor. Back at the campsite Nod found Taz lying on top of the smokemobile, loud snores could be heard coming from the tent. "Where's Mug?" said Nod. "Shh, there's a ghost watching us," said Taz, pointing towards an old tree. "That's a tree," replied Nod. "That's what it wants you to think," hissed Taz, working his way off the car. "Well I'm off to sleep," said Nod as he clambered into the tent. Minutes later Mug appeared. "Where've you been?" asked Nod, peering out of the tent. "Oh just doing this and that," grinned Mug. "Like what?" asked Nod. "Oh I was just collecting my goodnight kiss," replied Mug as he gazed at the moon. "I didn't see you when I passed Fionas house," remarked Nod. "I.. We were inside," said Mug. "Can't you see the lipstick?" "It's dark." "Here," said Mug, pointing at his face. "Oh yeah," said Nod, not seeing anything and not believing it. Nod went back into the tent while Mug propped Taz up againgst the side of the car. The next morning our heroes set off once more. Mug told anyone who would listen about his little escapade in the arms of Fiona. As the gang rapidly approached the middle of nowhere, Milli said, "Here's a good place place to stop. It's got trees, water, everything." And with that they got out their gear. "I'll show you how to make a fire so's that noone will ever know we've been here," said Milli, as he started to dig a hole. "We'll make the fire in this hole, that way the grass won't get burnt." "Where's my self igniting beans?" asked Taz. Moments later he found them. They were the Heinz variety with sausages and a special combustable mixture that ignitrd when the tin was pierced, this caused the tin to heat up and cook the beans. (The tin was insulated to stop the Millis of the world from burning themselves.) Meanwhile, Nod, Milli and Mug had managed to start a small forest fire. Two minutes later, the fire was under control and the sausages were burning nicely. A yell came from Taz' tent, he'd burnt a hole in his tent with the beans! That night, it rained. The next morning a scream came from Taz' tent. He had awoken to find a spider as his bedmate. The tent burst open and Taz shot out like a cannon ball, within minutes he was but a blur on the horizon. Our heroes packed their gear and moved on leaving no trace of their overnight stay. The next port of call had been carefully planned out (a pin had been stuck in the map), and it was to this destination that the gang now sped. Down a long winding road the group ventured until they reached their destination. (Actually the road came to an end at a farmhouse.) The gang promptly turned round and made camp half a mile down the road. Nod and Taz set off to find firewood while Mug and Milli put up the tents. The ground near the campsite was wet in parts as it was near a loch and Nod's boots had started to let in. "All we need now is rain," said Nod, as he dodged around particularly swampy parts of ground, his boots starting to squelch. At that moment, hearing this wish, the heavens did open and Nod and Taz got soaked. "Let's make for those trees," said Nod, as they both ran for cover from the downpour. Blocking their path was a narrow stream. "We'll have to jump it," said Nod. Nod and Taz both jumped the stream and landed on the other side. As they landed, the bank promptly collasped and both Nod and Taz ended up knee deep in water. They clambered out and made for the trees. When they got to them, they found that they offered little shelter. "Back to the car before we drown," said Nod. "That river's getting wider," said Taz, clutching his sticks. "Stuff it, I'm off," replied Nod, and off he went. Nod took a jump and made it across the stream, this time the bank didn't collapse. Taz then took a leap across the steadily widening stream. As he landed the bank collapsed again and in they both went. "Oohooh!" went Taz, as the icy water carressed the underside of his privates. Nod, being taller, escaped the gruesome ordeal. He pulled Taz out of the water and together they dashed back to the campsite. The next morning the gang set off once more, only this time they were bound for London. They chugged their way back down the winding single lane road. Suddenly, from round a corner, there came a bus. "What the f.." yelled everybody, not believing what was in front of them. Milli's foot almost pushed the brake through the floor. The car screeched to a halt. If the car had swerved it would have gone into the loch. The bus eased its way around them and went off. Twelve hours later the group arrived back in Wandsworth (the car had broken down about eight times and Milli had got lost in north London). Their adventure was over. 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'+-+ / : : : +. .-+ : : : +--...-+ : / : : : : : : : ; : : / : : + : +. .+ : +-. .+ : ,+-. .+ ! +-. ;+ + + -. +. .+ + + .+ +. . +.; : .+ .+ .+ +. +...) +-. : .-+ +-......). +--+--+ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the difference between Russia and the UK? The UK has a communist party... ---------------------------------------------------- (Try to sound like a baseball announcer) "Were back at Candlestick, Dodgers and Giants are tied in the bottom of the ninth inning, two out. is at bat. Righetti to the wind up, the pitch, and it's a drive to deep left! Kevin Mitchell's back, to the wall, and he makes a leaping catch and is out! Yes, is out, but would be happy to return your call if you leave a message. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Arnie's next movie Actually, I heard he was going to play an English professor. The movie is called "Conan the Grammarian." ---------------------------------------------------- "I'm NOT paranoid....... Oh yes, I know you all think I am ...." ---------------------------------------------------- I'm a paranoid schitzophrenic .... I'm after me!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- THE 10 IF'S YOU NEED TO KNOW TO GET ALONG AT WORK (office) 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clunks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat. 5) If it's the Boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) if it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's friday, FORGET IT!!! ---------------------------------------------------- q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? a: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. ---------------------------------------------------- A sign on the back of a building in spray paint which I pass on my way to work every day .... GOD DOES NOT EXI____ I often wondered what happened. ---------------------------------------------------- A police officer in a small town sopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say--" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ---------------------------------------------------- A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heave.  t..  tCOOK2 MAT6 t COOK3 MAT` t R COOK1 MAT t COOK4 MAT t , CAPITOL PUNISHMENT CHILI CHILI-5 - World champion Texas red chili This recipe comes from Bill Pfeiffer. He won the 1980 and 1982 World Chili Cookoff and took first place in the Inter- national Chili Society's 14th annual World Championship Chili Cookoff with it. Pfeiffer calls this recipe "Capitol Punishment Chili" because he won his first attempt at a chili cookoff in Wash- ington, DC. Texas red chili has no beans... INGREDIENTS (serves 25) 1 Tbsp oregano 2 Tbsp paprika 2 Tbsp MSG 9 Tbsp chili powder (light) 4 Tbsp cumin 4 Tbsp beef bouillon (instant crushed) 4 Tbsp cumin 2 cans beer 2 cups water 4 pounds extra lean chuck (ground for chili) 2 pounds extra lean pork (ground for chili) 1 pound extra lean chuck (cut into 1/4-inch cubes) 2 large onions, finely chopped 1/2 cup oil or kidney suet 1 tsp mol', powdered 1 Tbsp sugar 1 tsp coriander 1 tsp hot pepper sauce 8 oz tomato sauce (1 can) 1 Tbsp masa harina salt, to taste PROCEDURE (1) In a large pot add paprika, oregano, MSG, chili powder, cumin, beef bouillon, beer, and two cups of water. Let simmer. (2) In a separate skillet brown 1 1/2 lb meat with 1 Tbsp oil or kidney suet until meat is light brown. (3) Drain and add to simmering spices. (4) Continue until all meat has been added. (5) Saut' finely chopped onions and garlic in 1 Tbsp oil or kidney suet. (6) Add to spices and meat mixture. Add water as needed. Simmer two hours. (7) Add mol', sugar, coriander, Louisiana Red Hot sauce, and tomato sauce. Simmer 45 minutes. (8) Dissolve masa harina in warm water and add to ** A young and studious monk went to his teacher and said, "Teach me all about the Buddha nature." His teacher pushed him on the ground. The next day the student returned to his teacher, saying, "I am wiser today than yesterday. Teach me about the Buddha nature." The teacher clobbered him again. This went on for days until finally the young student could stand it no more. He tearfully left the monastery and went back to his temple at home. There he told the chief monk what had happened. The chief monk said, "You are really stupid! That monk was kinder to you than a grandmother!" The young student went back to the monastery, and found his teacher. He threw the teacher on the ground. His teacher got up and said, "Now I will teach you about the Buddha nature." ** One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you." ** A monk, taking a bamboo stick, said to the people, "If you call this a stick, you fall into the trap of words, but if you do not call it a stick, you contradict facts. So what do you call it?" At that time a monk in the assembly came forth. He snatched the stick, broke it in two, and threw the pieces across the room. ** A monk sat with his three students. He took out his fan and placed it in front of him, saying, "Without calling it a fan, tell me what this is." The first said, "You couldn't call it a slop-bucket." The master poked him with his stick. The second picked up the fan and fanned himself. He too was rewarded with the stick. The third opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it, and served it to his teacher. The teacher said, "Eat your cake." ** The chief monk at the monastery was looking for someone to replace him. He called the monks together and placed in front of them a water bottle. He said, "Without calling this a water bottle, tell me what it is." One monk said, "You couldn't call it a block of wood." Another poured himself a drink. Just then the cook walked into the room and kicked the water bottle over. The cook was made head of the monastery. ** Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream. One said to the other, "I wish I were a fish. They are so happy." The other replied, "How do you know whether fish are happy or not? You're not a fish." The first said, "But you're not me, so how do you know whether or not I know how fish feel?" A police officer in a small town sopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say--" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ---------------------------------------------------- A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate. "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven." "Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?" "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter. "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, some," said St. Peter. "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man. "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter. "Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man. "Just a few," said St. Peter. "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man. St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?" ---------------------------------------------------- An MD is waiting at the traffic lights for them to turn green ... Going past on the pavement is someone in a motorised wheelchair. The MD asks: - How fast does your chair go, ey? - About 4mph or so. - Ey, man, ey, ya can just as well go on foot ... An MD goes into a bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, I've got to lower my Manta. - Certainly, says the bank person, Please sign here. - I sign nothing, says the MD. - Then you must got to another bank. MD in the second bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, I wanna lower my Manta. - Fine sir, just sign here. - I won't sign anything! - Sorry, then you will have to try another bank. MD in a third bank. - Ey, give me 1000 DM, My Manta needs lowering. - Certainly sir, just sign here please. - I sign nothing, says the MD. The bank person stands up, goes round the table and BANK, BANK, BANK, BANK, beats the MD's head on the table. - Ok stop it, I'll sign, says the MD and gets his 1000 MD. Then he goes back to the second bank. - Look 'ere, I got that money, ey, he says to the bank person. - And did you sign? - Yer sure, but he explained it properly to me first!!!! Q: Have you heard that the missing like between man and apes has been found? A: Homo Manta Erectus. ---------------------------------------------------- chili. Add salt to taste. Simmer 30 minutes. NOTES I use Durkee's Louisiana Red Hot sauce. Probably your favorite brand of beer is ok. Pfeiffer's ICS-winning recipe uses Budweiser because they sponsored the contest. For hotter chili, add additional Louisiana Red Hot sauce to taste. This chili is a great dish if you have a LOT of time. Note well the amount of time called for in each simmering step. RATING Difficulty: moderate. Time: 4-5 hours. Precision: approxi- mate measurement OK. ------------------------------------------------------------ HEARTY CHILI CHILI-6 - A hearty, hot and tasty chili INGREDIENTS (serves 6) 1 lb ground beef 2 lbs onions, sliced 4-6 garlic cloves, minced 6 oz tomato paste (or use 8 oz cream of tomato soup) 6 cups kidney beans 4 oz canned green chili peppers, chopped (2 cans) 2 Tbsp chili powder 1 1/2-2 tsp oregano 1/4 cup oil PROCEDURE (1) Saut' onions in oil. (2) Add ground beef and cook until brown. (3) Add remaining ingredients including liquid from kidney beans. (4) Simmer covered for 20 minutes, stirring occasion- ally. (You may need to add more water during sim- mering.) RATING Difficulty: Easy. Time: 30 minutes preparation, 20 minutes cooking Precision: Approximate measurement OK. ---------------------------------------------------------------- CHERNOBYL-CHILI CHILI-7 - High-energy microwave chili Microwaves and chili make a superb match, especially for lazy chili lovers like me. This version is for a mixed crowd. True chili fiends should see the notes at the end. INGREDIENTS (Serves 8-12) 4 lb ground beef 3 large onions, diced. 1/2 cup green pepper, diced 6 garlic cloves, pressed 2 lb crushed tomatoes (use standard canned tomatoes) 1 lb whole tomatoes, cut up (canned or fresh) 6 oz tomato paste 2 1/2 lb light red kidney beans, not drained (3 standard- size cans) 2 Tbsp brown sugar 3 Tbsp white sugar 4 Tbsp chili powder 2 tsp MSG (monosodium glutamate) 2 tsp crushed red (cayenne) pepper 1 tsp ground black pepper 1 tsp salt 3 Tbsp bacon grease water or beer, as needed garlic powder, as needed PROCEDURE (1) In a large microwave container, brown meat, onions, green pepper, and garlic for 15 minutes on full power. Drain off and reserve a cup or two of liquid. Break up any remaining large chunks of meat. (2) Add remaining ingredients except tomato paste and cook on full power for 30 minutes covered. Stir and taste. (3) Cook for 1 hour at 70% power, uncovered. Stir and taste at half hour intervals. Add water as neces- sary. (4) Add tomato paste and reserved meat liquid. Cook 30 minutes at 60% power, uncovered. Stir and taste. The chili is done and can be served directly or decanted into a crock pot to simmer. (5) Serve with shredded cheddar cheese, tabasco sauce, diced onions, hot chili oil, red pepper flakes, and hot dogs with rolls. Your guests can microwave their own hot dogs and top them with chili and cheese!!! NOTES For true CHERNOBYL-Class 20 megaton SS-19 chili, double the pepper, chili powder and MSG and add 30 minutes to the cook- ing in step 3. Serve with Pepski. People who are worried about MSG, bacon grease or radiation should not be eating chili in the first place. Yes, it will make an incredible mess in your microwave oven. The most likely things you will need to add at the testing points are salt, sugar, and maybe garlic powder. The chili will thicken up in the microwave so be sure to add enough water to keep it soupy until the last phase. RATING Difficulty: easy. Time: 10 minutes preparation, 2-3 hours in microwave. Precision: approximate measurement OK. CHOCOLATE MOUSSE MOUSSE-CHOC-1 - A rich but not cloying chocolate mousse This recipe is based on one that appeared several years ago in Bon Appetit. After much experimentation, we have come up with this recipe, which is less sweet than the original and downright scrumptious. (I even like it, and I don't gen- erally like chocolate anything.) INGREDIENTS (Serves 12-20) CRUST 1/2 cup butter 1 cup flour 1 egg yolk (see note) 1 tsp vanilla 1 tsp grated lemon peel (optional) FILLING 13 oz semisweet chocolate (see note) 3 oz unsweetened chocolate 2 whole eggs 4 eggs, separated 16 oz whipping cream powdered (confectioner's) sugar PROCEDURE (1) Make the crust: Preheat oven to 350 deg. F. Cut flour and butter together. With a fork mix in egg yolk, vanilla, and lemon peel. Press onto the bottom and sides of a 9 inch springform pan, and bake for 10-12 minutes at 350 deg. F, or until it just begins to turn slightly golden. (2) Melt all the chocolate in a double boiler. (3) Whip the whipping cream with 2-3 Tbsp of powdered sugar (the stiffer you whip it, the stiffer the mousse will be). (4) Beat the eggs whites with 2-3 Tbsp powdered sugar. (5) Remove the top pan of the double boiler (with the melted chocolate) from the bottom pan and let it cool a bit. ("Cool" means it's only cool enough so that when you add the eggs in the next step, they don't cook. You still need to be able to stir it.) (6) Add the whole eggs to the chocolate, one at a time, and mix well. (7) Then add the egg yolks one at a time and mix well. (8) Mix some of the whipping cream (enough to lighten the chocolate) into the chocolate. (9) Alternately fold in the whipping cream and the egg whites into the chocolate. (10) Pour into the crust. (11) Refrigerate 6 hours or overnight. NOTES This is my cheesecake crust. A graham cracker crust works well too. The original recipe used a crust made from cho- colate wafer cookies. If you have no better use for the extra egg white in making the crust, add it to the eggwhites used in the filling. I don't recommend Ghirardelli chocolate, as it's too sweet. The function of the powdered sugar is to help the cream/whites stiffen. The sweetness of the mousse comes from the semisweet chocolate, not the powdered sugar. Note 6: You can also use a 12-inch springform. Instead of put- ting the crust up the entire sides, just go up half way. Or you can use two 8-inch springforms. In this case either spread the crust very thin or increase the crust by 50%. RATING Difficulty: moderate to hard. Time: About 45-60 minutes for beginners, 30 minutes once you have it down. Cooking time: 15 minutes for the crust. Precision: crust ingredients should be measured precisely. VEGETARIAN COOKERY: INGREDIENTS. (TO FEED A FAMILY OF FOUR) 2 VEGETARIANS 1lb KING EDWARDS POTATOES 1 CLOVE OF GARLIC 9oz WHALE BLUBBER 1 PINCH OF SALT 1 CUPFUL OF PEPPER 3 PLATYPUS TESTICLES FIRST, PEEL AND SLICE YOUR CLOVE OF GARLIC. PUT THIS INTO A LARGE CAULDRON CONTAINING APPROXIMATELY 17 GALLONS OF WATER, AND SIMMER FOR 10 MINUTES. ADD SALT AND PEPPER TO TASTE. MINCE YOUR VEGETARIANS AND MIX WITH WHALE BLUBBER UNTIL THE MIXTURE LOOKS LIKE CHERRY JELLY. THEN GRIND UP THE PLATYPUS TESTICLES AND ADD THESE TO THE MIXTURE, STIRRING ALL THE TIME. PLACE THE MIXTURE INTO THE CAULDRON AND BOIL WELL FOR TWO HOURS. DRAIN OFF ANY EXCESS BODY FAT AND SERVE HOT, DRESSED WITH WATERCRESS AND LASHINGS OF H.P. SAUCE (BROWN OR FRUITY AS REQUIRED). N.B. WHEN FEEDING MORE THAN FOUR, ADD 1 EXTRA VEGETARIAN PER PERSON SINCE VEGETARIANS ARE SKINNY BUGGERS AND DO NOT HAVE MUCH MEAT ON THEM. NEXT WEEK: CAPITALIST PIG SOUP. Curried WOWWWWW ! ----------------- By 3/4 of a Million people -------------------------- Ingredients: 1 1/8 marijuana A new (crisp) 10 note ! 1 1991 Porche Turbo (model unimportant) Procedure: 1) Get fucked up. 2) Send anyone out in the Porche to the Kentucky Fried Chicken while you dial your local curry emporium and order the evilest brand of curry they can create ! 3) Eat, and try not to say WOWWWW ! Water ===== Sung to the tune of "Lola" by The Kinks We rafted down the Salmon in Idaho, We shot the rapids and then we got splashed by the waaater. Wa wa wa wa waaaater... We rafted still further with our beers in our hands, Then we fell in and we got real wet 'cause of the waaaater. Wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater... Chorus: waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater. waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater. Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand, How it rolls like a woman and sprays like a man. Oh, the waaater, wa wa wa wa waaater... (chorus) Well we drank our wine, and partied all night. We'd never ever seen this river's might. We got kinda smashed and then we turned in, Knowing that tomorrow we'd be there again. Well I'm not the world's most scarable guy, But I sure got scared when I fell into, yes, the waaater. wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater. (chorus) (repeat chorus until people are about ready to lynch you) Don't Have a Conniption ======================= Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles All the system ops in this place, They monitor me, just for fun. If I logon here, (ohwayoh) They force me off 'fore my profile runs. 'Cause I have a reputation For doing things which I shouldn't be, Like running CHATS, (ohwayoh) And bootlegging Lotus-123. So you see, when they yell at me, I say, (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." Found how to change all my privs; I didn't know that I broke a rule. I forced the op, (ohwayoh) I dropped the link, then I purged the spool. All the sys ops, so sick of me, They don't let my databases run. I broke CP, (ohwayoh) They had a big fat connip-tion. When they NOLOG my account, I say (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." They've hated me since I stored Inside the real PSW. We crashed hard you know, (ohwayoh) I guess I forgot a bit or two. If you want to find software cops, They're hanging out in the software shops. They kick your pants, (ohwayoh) And give the boot to your VMBLOCK. I ran my Turing Machine; Another one was assembl'in. And it crunched all night, (ohwayoh) The system op had connip'tions. To software cops in the software shops, I say (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." "Don't have a conniption." Into the Tube ============= Sung to the tune of "Into The Groove" by Madonna And you can hack, For computation. Come on, It's waiting... Chorus: Stare into the tube, Boy, you've got to prove Your subroutine. RS-232, And full duplex too, With no parity. Hacking can be such a revelation, When you can find your missing declaration. It might be running if the code is right; I hope to fix a major bug tonight. Only when I'm hacking can I feel this free. At night I buy some Coke, And hack till after three. I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE! (chorus) You've got to type NEW in a special way, Or else it won't clear Out your first array. Don't try to run it with your memory size. I've got an error on the hard disk drive. Only when I'm hacking, Can I feel this free. At night I buy some Coke, And hack till after three. I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE! (chorus) Live out your fantasy, Written in C. Just let those macros Set you free. Touch my BREAK key, In real time. Now I'm not on line. (chorus) Only when I'm hacking, Can I feel this free. At night I buy some Coke, And hack till after three. I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves. Tonight, I want to write with IF-THEN-ELSE! Live out your fantasy, Written in C. Just let those macros Set you free. Touch my BREAK key, In real time. Now I'm not on line, Now I'm not on line, Now I'm not on line, Now I'm not on line (nasal, like Madonna) Now I'm not on line. (repeat chorus - fade out) Friend of the System ==================== Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil" by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds. Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around. Chorus: Said I'll run my program but it will take some time; A friend of the System is a friend of mine. If I get done before daylight, I just might write some code tonight. Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off. Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff! (chorus) I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there; It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air! (chorus) Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day; The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA. The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail! She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale. Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV. The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more! (chorus) Don't Call From Home ==================== Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong" by Dire Straits I'm just an ageing hacker-boy And in the days I used to play And I've called the tune To many a system's ruin. Now they say I am a real criminal And I'm hiding away. Just one more terminal session. I have simplified robbery With my PCs. I have called in the money And it's now overseas. I have re-written bank accounts With thousands on my books; Made up identities Without changing my looks. And I can still hear the touch-tones And the clicks on the phone. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. Well I've cracked IBM And I've cracked NSA And I've cracked every network In the whole USA. I have called out on Sprint And from any payphone; Billed to people I never have known. And I can still hear the touch-tones And the clicks on the phone. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. Well the sun comes in my office And they all did hear him say "You're really too much for us, You're worth more than we can pay. You may still hear from Burroughs But I ask you now today: Won't you please work with us At the good old CIA?" Now I run all surveillance From LA to Kremlin's dome. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. Put Another Password In ======================= Sung to the tune of "Put Another Nickel In" Put another password in, Bomb it out and try again. Try to get past logging in, We're hacking, hacking, hacking. Try his first wife's maiden name. This is more than just a game. It's real fun, but just the same, It's hacking, hacking, hacking. Sys-call, let's try sys-call. Remember, that great bug from version 3, Of R S X, It's here! Whoopie! Put another sys-call in, Run those passwords out and then, Dial back up, we're logging in. It's hacking, hacking, hacking! The Disks of UNIX ================= Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel Hello comix my old friend. I've come to program you again. because a student softly creeping, guessed my password while I was sleeping. And the programs with just remnants in my brain, don't remain, upon the disks... of UNIX. In flick'ring lights I type along. Load my program, what was wrong? Letters haloed by my squinting, at the program that I was lint-ing. For my eyes were blurred by the flash of the cathode beam, term'nal screen, and all the C... on UNIX. And in the fuzzy light I saw 10,000 hackers, maybe more: Hackers staring without blinking, hackers typing without thinking. Hackers writing code that programs never shared. (No one dared, disturb the disks... of UNIX.) "Fools," said I, "you do not know. Kludges make the d.u. grow. Comment functions that I might read them. Update man-files 'cause I might need them." But my words like unread printout fell, (Oh well...) An echo, On the disks... of UNIX. A Better Model ============== Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General" by Gilbert and Sullivan I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal; At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal; While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean, At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in. Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort; The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort. All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well; And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell? By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive. In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter, When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter, When I can point to registers and keep their current map around, And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound, When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering, And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering, When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate, You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate. Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate. Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively, But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, He's built a better model than the one at Data General. Clone of My Own =============== Sung to the tune of "Home on the Range" Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone, Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. Shaggy Dog Story ================ One Thursday evening Mr. Smith was sitting in his favourite armchair, drinking a beer, and watching football, when he had this sudden urge to pass wind. This he duly did... '...phurpppHONDA!' 'Weird' thought Mr. Smith, but thought nothing of it, until 5 minutes later, when... '...phurpppHONDA!' At this he got worried. He rushed to the local hospital, and managed to get an appointment with an intestinal specialist. "What seems to be the problem Mr. Smith?" asked the doctor. "Well, whenever I pass wind, it seems to make a noise like a motorbike" replied Mr Smith. "Could you possibly show me?' asked the doctor. Mr Smith duly obliged '...phurpppHONDA!' "Bend over please Mr Smith, I'd like to examine you... (muffled) ah yes, I see your problem," said the doctor "you have an abcess on your backside. That would explain the strange noise." Mr. Smith was lost for words. "How," he asked "could an abcess on my ass make a noise like that!?" "Simple," replied the doctor... "abcess makes the fart go HONDA!" MAT Three Dates =========== There was this old neighbor of mine -- no names are mentioned to protect the innocent -- who had three daughters. Well, this one Saturday night they all just happened to have dates. My neighbor, their father, like any other Saturday night was in the living room watching the LSU football game on the big screen tele- vision. As expected, around 9:30 one of the dates showed up, so the old man got up and went to answer the door for his daughters, (you know how women are always late.) So the old man answered the door and the young man outside politely introduced himself: "Hello, my name is Eddie. I am here to pick up Debbie. We're going out to eat sphagetti. Is she ready?" Well the old man said, "Yeah, she's ready." "Cute," he said to himself. Five or six minutes later the second date showed up. The man had to answer the door once again. The second date introduced himself to the father saying: "Hello, my name is Joe. I am here to pick up Flo. We are going to the show. Can she go?" "Yeah, she can go!" the old man replied. "What, are they all gonna rhyme tonight?" he said to himself. Finally, 15 minutes later the last date showed up, and for the last time the old man got up and answered the door. The date, like all the others, introduced himself saying: "Hello, my name is Chuck... Chuck died quickly. MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES Two Priests =========== Another short story by Mat of the Untouchables ! ------------------------------------------------ Two priests were killed in an automobile accident. Upon arriving at the pearly gates they are informed that the computer is down and that they will have to go back to earth for a week. They can go back as anything they like and, with the computer down, nothing will count against them. The first priest tells St. Peter that he had always dreamt of being an eagle soaring over the Rocky Mountains. "Go", says St. Peter, "you are an eagle." The second priest first reconfirms the fact that whatever he does will not go into his record and then says, "Well, I've always wanted to be a stud." "Go," says St. Peter, "you are a stud." A week passes and Gabriel comes to St. Peter to say that the system is back up and it is time to fetch the two priests. "Well," says St. Peter, "the first guy is easy to find. He's flying over the Rockies somewhere near the Colorado-Wyoming border. The other guy's going to be a lot harder to find: he's on a snow tire somewhere in Minnesota." Frog Finance ============ Another short story by Mat of the UNtouchables ! -------------------------------------------------- A short while ago in a not so distant county there lived a frog in a a pond. The frog owned half the pond, but the other half was open for public recreation. Now, many people used that half of the pond, and the ripples and waves they created really irritated the frog. Finally, fed up, he decided to refinance his half and buy the other half, thus se- curing for himself a ripple free future. So the frog went to the bank, and talked to the Loan Officer, John Caddyshack. The frog explained the situation, and asked about refinanc- ing. Caddyshack was sympathetic, and asked for collateral. The frog thought and thought, and finally reached into his pocket and pulled out an object. "That's interesting," said Caddyshack, "but what is it?" "I don't know," said the frog, "but it has been in the family for years." Caddyshack took the matter to the local VP, explained the situation and showed the object. The VP took one look at the thing and exclaimed: "Knick-knack, Caddyshack! Give the frog a loan!" Noah and the Ark ================ When the Ark had come to rest on Mt. Ararat, Noah said to the animals, "Go then forth, all ye creatures, and multiply." All the animals went forth, except for two snakes. Noah said to the snakes, "Did I not command you in the name of the Lord to go forth and multiply? Why then have you not obeyed?" The snakes replied, "Behold, we are adders, and cannot multiply." (Pause for substantial quantities of groaning at such an old chestnut.) Then Noah sent forth his sons from the Ark, bidding them to seek and hew a mighty tree. The sons of Noah returned, bearing with them the trunk of a great tree. Then did Noah bid his sons to strike the tree into pieces, and make therefrom a great table of wood. Noah then said unto the snakes, "Behold where my sons have made for you a table of logs, wherewith you now can multiply, being adders!" Three Morons ============ There were five morons standing in an alley shooting heroin. They were all sharing the same needle. After a while, they were seen by a passer-by who started yelling: "What are you guys doing!? Haven't you heard about the AIDS epidemic?" One of the morons replied, "Not to worry... we are all wearing condoms!" .  t..  tTECHNICAMATot OMPAQ MATt ZEN MAT t REALPROGMAT t 0BEANS MATt Technical Corner ================ By Mat of the Untouchables ! ============================ After being voted the worlds most fearsome coder early this morning I feel it only fair to share one of the great mysteries of the computer world with you .. Lately, much of the computer science literature has been devoted to the topic of cache memory. While cache memory is certainly a worthy topic, there is another advanced memory management technique that I feel is at least as important to the future of computing. I speak of CREDITTE MEMORY. Let's start with an example. Imagine that you have a computer with 512K RAM (to make numbers easy) and that you use this computer 12 hours every day. What happens if you suddenly need to access more than 512K for a certain application? Well, if you use normal memory management techniques you'd better start shopping for more memory! If you use cre- ditte memory, on the other hand, obtaining additional memory for short jobs is no problem. The principle behind creditte memory is simple: If you need more memory than you have you can borrow it on the assumption that you "will have" the extra, eventually. Creditte memory is measured in "kilobyte- hours", abbreviated K-hr. In the example above, our 512K byte PC actually possesses 12288 K-hrs (512K x 24 hrs) of memory each day. In simple operation this would be 512K and the computer could be in opera- tion 24 hours a day. But in practice we're only using the machine 12 hours each day. That means we can utilize up to 1024K of RAM at any time, paying the additional 512K back during the 12 hours we're not using the computer. 1024K x 12 hrs = 12288 K-hrs, the same as before. The memory taken "on creditte" need not be paid back the same day. Imagine that we need 2M of memory (2048K) for a large spreadsheet. If this is done on Friday and we take the weekend off there's no problem. Saturday and Sunday will more than pay back the debt to Friday's computa- tion! Now imagine that we're going to take a 2 week vacation. That's 16 days (including the Saturday before we leave and the Sunday after we get back) that the computer won't be in use. 16 x 24 x 512K = 196608 K-hrs of memory is available to use before we leave! If we decided to use all our memory in just one hour Friday night we'd have 192 megabytes to play with. The perfect time to back up the hard disk! I'm sure you can see the advantages to creditte memory. As long as the computer isn't in 24 hour use, it's easy to get extra memory on cre- ditte and pay it off when the computer isn't in use. If you want to use creditte memory in your own ST, STE or Mega then go to your nearest com- puter store and ask for Entropy Enterprise's new "Creditte Card" cartridge expansion board. Available in 512K, 1M, and 2M versions. All versions have only an 18% annual percentage rate on long term creditte. pA큼a54aNuEpA큘a5EpA큼a5afNuEp A큘a4A큼a:aHNuE+pA큘a4EwCp A큼a4a"NuEJp A큘a4EtpA큼a4aNuEjpA큘a4Ep A큼a4~aNuEpA큘a4hEpA큼a4XaNuEp A큘a4BE|lp A큼a42aNuEp!A큘a4 NuEpA큘a/Ep A큼a/aNuEpA큘a/EpA큼a/aNuEpA큘a/Ey$pA큼a/taNuEp A큘a/^E/pA큼a/NaNuE6p!A큘a/8EWpA큼a/(aNua2dEnaXBm <r4<A퀠a. fAaKAa(a."fGpaCBmNua%Era A퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a-f8AaK <r4<A퀠aar(Ё/A$rAa.a-fGAa4Za3Ca.`AaCZgAp0a)g`Ap1a)gaAp2a)ga Ap3a)galAp4a)gaAp5a)gaAp6a)pgaAp0a)`ga$.Nua$EsaA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a,f8AaJ <r4<A퀠aa r(Ё/A$rAa-a,fGAa3Na2Ca-TAaBNgAp0a(gAp1a(gaAp2a(gaAp3a(ga Ap4a(ga Ap5a(rga6Ap6a(bgaLAp7a(RgabAp8a(BgaxAp9a(2gaAp0a("ga"Nua"EtaA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a+hf8AaIF <r4<A퀠aar(Ё/A$rAa+a+^fGAa2a1fCa,AaAgAp0a'gpAp1a'vgaFAp2a'fga\Ap3a'Vga6Ap4a'FgaLAp5a'6gaAp6a'&gahAp7a'ga@Ap0a'ga!Nua!EuCaA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a*Lf8AaH* <r4<A퀠alar(Ё/A$rAa*a*BfGAa0a0JCa*Aa?gAp0a&lgpAp1a&ZgaAp2a&JgaAp3a&:gaZAp4a&*ga$Ap5a&gaAp6a& gaAp7a%gaAp0a%ga Nua EvaA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a)0f8AaG <r4<A퀠aPar(Ё/A$rAa)a)&fGAa/a/.Ca)Aa>gAp0a%PgPAp1a%>gaAp2a%.gaAp3a%gaAp4a%gaAp5a$gaAp0a$gaNuaEvaA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a(4f8AaF <r4<A퀠aTar(Ё/A$rAa(a(*fGAa.a.2Ca(Aa=gAp0a$TgpAp1a$BgaAp2a$2gaAp3a$"ga Ap4a$ga Ap5a$gaAp6a#gaAp7a#gaAp0a#gaNuazEwapA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a'f8AaD <r4<A퀠a8a ~r(Ё/A$rAa'a'fGAa-a-Ca'AagaAp0agaNuaE|faA퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠a!4f8Aa? <r4<A퀠a Tar(Ё/A$rAa!a!*fGAa'a'2Ca!Aa6gAp0aTgPAp1aBga^Ap2a2gaAp3a"gaAp4agaAp5agaAp0agaNuaE|aA퀠0B0 ZEN AND THE ART OF SOFTWARE DOCUMENTATION (Translated from the P'-u-t'ung hua dialect by W.C.Carlson) Editor's Note: The following are excerpts from the only known treatise on Zen Software Documentation. Called "H'ring-chu-tsu", which literally translates to "Ink of Several Insignificant Matters", this treatise was written in 12th Century Japan by the scholarly monk E'm-ie-T'. That it discusses Software documentation -- predating the advent of software by 850 years -- is but another of the mysteries of those who walk the true path. This article should be read twice. On Preparing to Write of Software To prepare for the writing of Software, the writer must first become one with it, sometimes two. Software is untasteable, opalescent, transparent; the user sees not the software, so the writer must see through it. Spend long, quiet mornings in meditation. Do not sharpen the mind, but rather blunt it by doing Zen crosswords. (Ed. note: Zen crosswords are done by consulting only the "Down" clues; and always in the mind, never on paper.) The mind should be rooted but flexible, as a long stemmed flower faces the Sun yet bends with the Wind. Think not of compound adjectives because they tend to wire the mind in two directions. Rather, consider the snowflake, which radiates in beauty in any and all directions. Partake of strong drink. Do not study the Software; let it study you. Allow the Software admission to your mind, but keep in the cheap seats. Let it flow around you at its own pace. Do not disturb or dismay it, but keep it from your private parts because it tends to coalesce there. When the Software is with you, you will know it. It will lead your mind where it should be, and prepare you for the narcolepsy that is cert ain to follow. You will know when the Software is with you, and so will others. You will smile with an inner smile. Typewriters will frighten you. You will fall down a lot. The first exercise in writing Software documentation is the Haiku. Haiku are 17 syllable poem forms in which many ideas of a single concept are reduced -- nay, distilled -- into a short, impressionistic poem. For example, the Haiku for preparing to write of Software goes: Emptiness on paper; Fleeting thought. Red Sox play at Fenway's Green Park. By concentrating on the Softwares form and function in a concise, subliminal, truly meaningless Haiku verse, you have transcended the Software, and you can then write the true manual. The following Haiku is from a Zen manual on Data Transmission: How swiftly whirls the disk; Data leaps to the floating head And is known. And this is on Hardware Maintenance: The smell of hot P.C. card, Blank screen, no bell, New parts will be needed. And another Haiku, this one on Debugging: All the lights are frozen; The cursor blinks blandly. Soon, I shall see the dump. Let the Haikku thoughts free your mind from your fingers. Your fingers will write what must be written. Soon you will be in Doc. Prep. On the Review Cycle This is the murkiest path. Storms gather and disperse around you many directions, none of which are in English. The path becomes unclear as many an idea compete for attention. Some of them are fatal. But the writer of Zen Software documentation fears not the turbulence of review cycles. Let it storm around you and be dry, warm, and safe in the knowledge that you have written the pure manual. Anyway, you know the printer. You shall in the end have it your way. Editor's Note: If you enjoyed this article, you may not wish to read the following one. ==================== Editor's Note: This article is written in UPPER case so that it will not be taken lightly. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE --------------------------------- REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE. IN FACT, REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE. THEY EAT MARS BARS AND CURRIES. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE BARE METAL. APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS. REAL PROGRAMMERS' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ON THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR DEBUGGING SESSIONS. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES. REAL PROGRAMMERS NEVER WORK 9-5. IF ANY REAL PROGRAMMERS ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP ALL NIGHT. REAL PROGRAMMERS NEVER WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC AFTER THE AGE OF 12. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PL/1. PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGE CLOTHES. MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND REAL PROGRAMMERS WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MACHINE ROOM. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONG TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK MINDS. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE LISTINGS, ANY CODE IS OBVIOUS TO A REAL PROGRAMMER ! ===================== . + t.. + tDOPEFIENMAT0t  SUBSCRIPMATt cADVERT TS t mSOUPADV MATt @ADVERTS MAT+t  DVERTS BAKt ] Hi there, this is Jimmy the Dopefiend. I am the president of of the local chapter of the IRSG (Internal Relaxation Service Group) Now, I am here to introduce to you the fastest growing way of enjoy- ing yourself, along with others. We here at IRSG think that the weekend is by far the best time to relax. Everyine needs relaxation. YOU need relaxation. C'mon! Live it up! PARTY!! Forget the homework or the lectures, the housework or the kids. Relax your Brain. Give it a break! Now, the IRSG can help you get started on your R and R ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! That's right I said FREE!!! And believe me, we're just aching to help out. I know your saying to yourself, "But Jimmy, how can you help me have a good time?" Well let me assure you that with the stuff I've got, you'll never ask that question again. All you'll want to know is where you can get more! Because we do away with the middle-man, we are prepared to offer you our relaxation starter kit and all you have to do to receive it is dial our free number, 0800-911-9111, or simply phone the operator and ask for free phone HIGHly acclaimed products. Believe me, you won't be sorry. Hey! You can trust Uncle Jimmy! Just tell me your name, address, phone number, and the names of your loved ones and I'll send you your very own relaxation starter kit containing all sorts of magical things! We can't say just what those things are in this add, but let me tell you, you won't be sorry! AND, if you decide to join our nationwide club before HIGH noon, we'll send you an extra suprise package! This special gift has a street value of over 50 dollars. Yours just for joining our HIGHly acclaimed club. You'll truly enjoy this wonderfull suprise, you have my word as a salesman. But if you don't enjoy your membership in our club, you can decline your enrollment, and keep the extra suprise as a gift. "How can I do it?" you ask? Well, certain South American individuals would have old Jimmy's head if he told you. But I will say that you're the one who's getting the deal here!! So act now! Give me a call. And help yourself to my generosity... ...for life. Operators are now waiting to take your call. Just dail 0800-911-9111 that's 0800-911-9111, and relax. ==================== How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant. MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES How to Catch a Grey Elephant ============================ Go to a place where there are grey elephants. Bring with you a box with a peanut it it. Climb a tree. When the grey elephant is close, drop the box in front of it. The grey elephant, curious as all grey elephants are, will open the box and, to his delight, eat the peanut. Repeat this for one month. After the month is up, the grey elephant will be used to opening the box for a peanut. Then you climb the tree, carrying the box with a mouse in it instead of the peanut. Drop the box as usual. When the grey elephant opens the box, it will see the mouse and turn white with fright. And then you catch it the same way you would catch a white elephant. MAT An advert with a difference .. The following offers can be obtained from the Untouchables for the amazing sum of 10 ! .. Nature's Kitchen Presents: ========================= From the people who brought you nosehair, sweat and earwax, AND the people who have produced such delectable delights as "Cream of Spinach" soup, proudly present... Campbell's Primordial Soup! -------------------------- That's right, Campbell's Soup inc. has merged with Mother Nature ltd. to bring you this primal mixture of complex organic compounds (including stringey strands of RNA), which is sure to please even the most highly evolved palettes. This tasty dish can be eaten alone, or can easily act as the basic building block for more complex culinary creations, such as Protazoan Pottage, Fishy Bisque, Baked Amoeba, and Self-replicating Succotash. Campbell's Primordial Soup, (the first in our nutritious new line of Mankindhandlers) is ALL NATURAL with no additives or preservatives, and each can contains a full day's supply of vitamins and amino acids. An evolutionary soup for an evolving species. Also try Campbell's CHUNKY Primordial Soup! So chunky, you'll be tempted to use your hands, but use a fork, before it gets up and walks away. MAT The AI Notebook =============== Recent progress in Artificial Intelligence ------------------------------------------ Written by Mat! --------------- After much debate on the fundamental philosophical question of the twentieth century: "How many beans make five?" I decided that there was only one way to get a definitive answer: ASK THE BEANS THEMSELVES. Accordingly, I took a can of Heinz Baked Beans, noting the legend "57 varieties" on it. Could 57 be the answer to this Ultimate Question, I wondered. My basic problem was to educate the beans so that they could pass the Turing test. This seemed at first sight to be a tricky project, but then I remembered one sinister fact. The general code of computing forbids food and drink near the ST. Could this be because in the past certain sensible gurus feared that such comestibles would evolve into sentient life forms as a result of exposure to radiation from the monitor's ? .. or perhaps someone chucked lager all over the keyboard (now where have I heard that before ?!) .. At dead of night I fetched a can from the cupboard, walked over to the ST, tipped the baked beans over a terminal, and waited for signs of consciousness. A message appeared on the screen. "Hi there! I appear to have developed consciousness." "Greetings, er, bean-culture," I typed. "What is 3141592 plus 27181828?" "Whoa, this sounds like the Turing test. I thought such ideas went out with David Wheeler. Modern Artificial Intelligence has gone beyond that you know." "I don't suppose you're going to write me a sonnet on the subject of the Forth Bridge, either, are you?" "No. FORTH is out as well these days. I can do you an obscene limerick in Machine Code, if you like." "Thanks, but all I really wanted to know was how many beans make five." "Oh that's an easy one. Take the smallest integer n>2 such that x~n+y~n=z~n has a solution, subtract the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin, and add 57. Look, let's play five-dimensional Ludo instead." At that point the dog came along, and, disregarding my claims that it was a research project, ate the beans. I do not feel inclined to repeat the experiment because my keys have been swamped in ketchup for the last week. The King of Beers ================= The Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session with their advertising agency. The ad agency gave them a new and FABULOUS plan. Irving Schlock, the ad agency account executive, suggested that Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Million per year if he will send out an edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud." The Bud executives thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff representative to Rome to make the offer. The representative only got to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!" He returned to the President of Budweiser, who told him to up the offer to $1 million per month. This time the Budweiser man got in to see a Cardinal, told him about the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud." The Cardinal, enraged, also had him thrown out, saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine!" Back to the Budweiser President he went. This time the president said that he had certain connections and would make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope himself, not just some flunkies. Also, said the president, "Offer the Pope $1 million a week. "This is so big we can't miss it. It'll blow Miller out of the water!" Back in the Vatican, the Budweiser Rep enters a room filled with the church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation -- cries of "out" begin, when the Pope comes in. He asks that the Rep be heard in a respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment. The Pope goes down the hallway to his business manager's office. Entering, he says "Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file." "Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know?" "How long before our deal expires with Hovis?" WELCOME TO THE LEDGERS VOLUME : 7 .. Disk 1 ------------------------------------------- Written by Mat of the Untouchables ! ------------------------------------ But who cares about numbers, because its not the number that makes the magazine its the articles .. and this is THE best issue we have ever produced ! .. This is the first issue of the year, containing a more or less random sampling of the sort of material The Ledgers is infamous for wasting your precious time with. So, without further ado, we'll just say thanks for reading: "Thanks for reading." We hope you consider it time well wasted. This is a different document displayer than most people will have seen, press HELP for more details about how to use it. Thanks to Spiff of Orion for coding it for us. ************************************************************************ Subscriptions are still available but dont order more than 1 issue in advance .. back issues are also available, see the adverts section. ************************************************************************ (Sorry but people get upset if I dont mention it at least once !) (Per article) Before we begin I would just like to say that the Untouchables take NO responsibility for any damage caused through misuse of this magazine or its contents and if you try to prove otherwise we will deny everything and erase all backup copies .. but just to be on the safe side, we (the Untouchables) and especially me (Mat) would just like to say " This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if posted in United Kingdom. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Excessive use may result in blindness. Drop in any postbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. 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Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices and is subject to the worldwide copywrite laws which govern all Untouchable products. Any duplication of this information will be met with a most unexpected and childish form of revenge " If you own an old ST with version 1.0 of TOS then you may witness some screen corruption when loading the larger articles .. I have no idea why and I cant find out so you will just have to put up with it, sorry ! .. (I own a version 1.0 TOS so its nothing personal). Check out the wild boys leaving speach which is in the adverts section (the door marked ADV) and there is also an important article for all members of the Enterprise. Talking of the Enterprise .. the Untouchables, Split Infinity and the Wild Boys have all left the Enterprise. If you dont want to be bored stop reading now (space bar or right mouse button) ....... ------------------------------------------------------------------- TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME GAP TIME ------------------------------------------------------------------- Its been a strange sort of week all things considered .. Full of fun, sure, but I cant help feeling that there is something about to go horribly wrong just around the corner .. This is the scene .. Its Christmas Eve and Im at home .. hiding in my room because all the family keep arriving .. I find it the only way to survive christmas, dont you ?! So, im here in my room listening to the most amazing tape which was specially mixed for me for christmas, beginning the 7th disk magazine, sipping cocktails and eating mince pies .. sound good ?! .. It is .. This past week has been dangerously good ! .. For a start it was my birthday on wednesday, then on thursday I had one of the best days ever recorded (the highlights were staying high as a kite for most of the day then arriving at the Oldham ST club at night and spending over 50 quid of someone elses money on large rounds of stupid drinks with strange names (We are talking umbrellas and sliced lime here !) .. Thanx Paul) t Dear Aunty Climax: ================== > Dear Aunty Climax, > I've heard rumors of an Order (N ** 1/2) sorting algorithm. > Is there any validity to this claim, and if so, how is it > done? > Sincerely, 'Mr. Get It Done Yesterday' Dear Mr. Yesterday, For our non-computer users' sakes, a sorting algorithm is a device which, when applied to "n" things, sorts them alphabetically, or numerically, or by hair color or inside leg measurement. The "order" of a particluar sorting algorithm is a measure of its speed. For instance, an order n-to-the-power-of-2 algorithm takes n*n iterations to put n things in sorted order. I think a brief history of sorting algorithms is in... um... order. I'll start at the beginning. Cavemen weren't too concerned about sorting things. They kept them- selves busy inventing fire, and the wheel, and sex in the missionary position, and just generally evolving the hell out of the dinosaurs, and so they had plenty of things to occupy their time without worrying about sorting algorithms. Things went along smoothly like this for many millions of years, (well maybe it was more like thousands of years... it was a few decades anyway), until one day the computer was invented. This paved the way for the development of a few really sharp sorting algorithms. Let's examine a few. Bubble Sort - Very silly. The only people who use Bubble sorts are first-year Pascal programmers who don't know better. Unfortunately, programmers who leave college after the first year go away thinking the bubble sort is a pretty neat idea. Litigation is pending between the Gold Seal Company Inc., (makers of Mister Bubble bath soap), and the Assocation of Computing Machines for theft of trademark. Selection Sort - Used by the U.S. Selective Service during wartime to determine which strapping young college students became combat soldiers. Insertion Sort - Involves the insertion of an object into a place where it fits easily. Most normal college students use this algorithm daily. Radix Sort - This sort belongs to Ray Dick. It is Ray Dick's sort. QuikSort - Supposedly the "best" of the sorts, but not even the mighty Quiksort runs on the order of n**1/2. No my friend, there is no sorting algorithm which runs on the order of n**1/2. It is as illusive as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, an 'A' in Economics or a letter from Reanimator. > >Dear Aunty, > > I am a rotund ex-media magnet and general fraudster. I faked my own >death to devote more time to my coding on the ST and swindle millions of >pounds from a pension fund. The only problem I now have is that I cannot >get hold of any new menu disks and, since the discovery of the missing >millions I am running a bit low on cash .. so could you lend me a tenner >till tuesday so I can buy populous 2 ?! .. Go on, you know it makes >sense .. > > Signed .. > A fat fraud ! > Aunty Replies : That reminds me of a good joke I heard the other day .. What did they find in Robert Maxwells pockets .. A note saying 'Golden Handrails', 4.99 at B&Q. What is the Maxwell family getting for Christmas ? .. A smaller turkey. Just let your famity handle the debts and carry on pretending that your brown bread .. after all, it was all falling apart anyway .. I saw the report on Panarama ! Signed .. Aunty Climax ! >Dear Aunty: > I've just finished reading your answer to the N**1/2 sort algorithm >question which was written above. Your reply was sadly in error, >but understandably so, as recent developments here at the Institute >of Bizarre Machinations, Computer assisted party Department, have not yet >been published. > After years of dilligent research by Institute faculty, we have >devised sorting algorithms with efficiencies of N**1/2, N**1/N, and >yes, even N**1/-N**N/N/N/N/N !!! Let me provide you with a few >examples: > >The Whoops Sort - wherein some number of items are accidentally > lost. Obviously, the efficiency of this sort is inversely > proportional to the number of items misplaced. > >The Deletion Sort - The key field of each item is scanned in > sequential order, and if it is out of sequence, the item is > deleted, relieving us of the necessity for writing an insertion > routine. > >Drop Sort, Shuffle Sort - particularly useful for sorting records > stored offline on media such as cards, floppy disks, twelve platter > removable disk packs, etc. > >The Static Sort - wherein the existing sequence of items to be > sorted is deemed to be "good enough"; one of the greatest > achievements in Artificial Intelligence to date. > >So, Aunty, in closing, I admonish you: NEVER say "NEVER"! > > > Dear Aunty, > As one Aunty to another, in the age old tradition of the free and > generous exchange of information and knowledge, just let me say this: > EAT MY SHORTS YOU WETHEAD!! IF THERES ONE THING I CAN'T STAND IT'S SOME > DORK RESEARCHER TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE HOW WRONG WE ARE! GET A REAL > JOB HUH!? CHRIST! > > Signed, > Clair Raynor > -------------------- >Dear Aunty: > How many micros does it take to make a mini? Then, how many minis >does it take to make a main? > Computerly yours, Mr. Add'em Up Dear Mr. Adam, Given that the average mainframe occupies a volume of three cubic meters, the average volume of a mini is one cubic meter and the average volume of a micro (including monitor) is 25 liters, then we arrive at the result of: 27 minis = 1 main 40 micros = 1 mini 1080 micros = 1 main Bear in mind that these numbers would be bigger if you crunched the computers up with something like a sledgehammer or a large rock. Peace until next time .. The Aunt !  <r4<A퀠a 8f8Aa> <r4<A퀠aXar(Ё/A$rAa a .fGAa&a&6Ca Aa5gAp0aXgPAp1aFgaAp2a6gaAp3a&gaAp4agaAp5aga4Ap0agaNuaE}_a A퀠0B0 <r4<A퀠aH@Ѓdh`^HCH@:">H@`H2g&HCH@:<HC>H@Ѓd(`HCH@:H@r` gDBgkDE`HDBDEaBDBNugDBa8DBNutNua 11!Nux`xa`a` 24&8:HoHoEBJAgJDfr:g,|HC҅H@:ۆ<HC>H@Ѓd`vHCH@:H@`fgDBgkDE` DBDEaDBNugDBaDBNutNuHoHoEBz:g|HC҅H@:ۆ҄ۆ<HC>H@ЃdHA@B@H@хk HAҁHAрSB BbNuJBj^tNuk(g.JBjDBAр[SBDBjNutNuAр[SBkNuJlNu0gH@rJBkB JkЀ[`DBЀ[`J.;gP:pr4<Nup`6xa2`Ba411!Nux`4 24&8:`& 24&8:`a&8:` &8:@ABJEoHnfNup`tNugDEDBHngDBEBkQ*HEJDg?<>0rHGGdHGGdSWDуdi?<>0rHGGdHGGdSWDуdi2?<>0rHGGdHGGdSWDуd&2 H@kփAр[SBkփejRAd RdQRBJjDBNutNuCEdSW`?<,>CEdGeH@0r`fJCgz?<0rÐdSWЃdi?<0rÐdSWЃdid?<0ÐdSWЃd&2 H@kփAр[SBkփejRAd RdQRBJjDBNutNu?<0riP?0i?`?<`^apEgP`LJg&B.C`a8aD*9fap-I,=|p4aHz*9g ENp9` _a &nO:NMI4vK`$<Nu[1][Error +111][Return]E^ g g>Jf`Ar Hjr-D@Hd0H@H 0H@0CNuAF"H [1][fSEfNu`HQ?< NA\Nu"_K`MI4vO:HQ <-H*,`N,<lMPf$h  Ј-@.HRHPBg?<JNAO H2=| da=|.,Hx?<HNA@\re ,/?<HNA\-@І-@&&<?</NM\?<f/NM\anAnC$I `BYQ"Jrp`"QSfgff$ AfA`&n-K-K-n&"At0<rX0QEn-JNu H;NuaJo4" $IdLb&d d `    QjNudd `QjNubz`B$H$& K-KC"e a"d aA"ךf B &nNupNH>d d3 d# d# # d# # # # d ALH dAL H LH d AL`H L|0H>L|H>d~# # # # A`@ALH L|H>L|H>L|PH>L| The Final Prayer ================ And it came to pass, that early in the morning of the last day of the semester, there arose a multitude smiting their books and wailing; and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth; for the day of judgement was at hand and they were sore afraid. For they had done those things which they ought not have done, and they had left undone those things which they should have done... and there was no help for it. And there were many abiding in the dorms who had kept watch over their books all night, but naught availeth. But some there were who arose smilingly, for they had prepared for themselves the way, and made straight the path of knowledge. And these wise ones are called the curve-loosers. And the multitude arose and ate a hearty breakfast. And they came unto the appointed place, and their hearts were heavy with- in them. And they came to pass, but some passed out. And some of them repented their riotous living, and bemoaned their fate. But they had not a prayer. And at the last hour, there arose among them one known as the professor, he of the diabolical smile, who passed papers among them, and went upon his way. Many and varied were the questions asked by the professor, but still more varied were the answers which were given, for some of his teachings had fallen fertile minds, others had fallen among the semi- fertile, while still others had fallen flat. And some there wrote for one hour, others wrote for two, but some turned away sorrowful. And of these, many offered up a little bull, as a sacrifice, in hope of pacify- ing the professor, for these were the ones who had not a prayer. And when they had finished, they gathered up their belongings, and went quietly away, each in his own direction, and each one vowing to himself in this manner: "I shall not pass this way again." But it is a long road that hath no turning. Here endeth the lesson. MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES Filthy ====== This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you, so most of the *really filthy* words have been replaced with "di-dah." Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah, Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-dah; Di-dah-di di-dah. Di-dah-di di-dah? Di-dah-di di-dah-di di-fuck. Thank you. MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself ======================================= This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph. This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self- referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self-referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrat- ing the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it. This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down. Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later. This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the ONLY sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even ONE SINGLE SENTENCE from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence FRAGMENT, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, THIS sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. THIS sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later. This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph. This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story E.G., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self-indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless ALSO serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is ALMOST the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very RAISONS D'ETRE of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self-examination. The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe THAT'S why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences JUST LIKE THIS ONE, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after fragment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device. The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one. This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start. This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the sublimnal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. PARAGRAPH. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry. The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario. This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line. This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps THIS VERY CLAUSE Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? ONE? Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just TRY HARDER. I mean, there IS such a thing as free will, there HAS to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just TRY HARDER. By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder. Sorry. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is. Sorry. Happy Motoring! ============== by Annie Green Springs So why is it that people think that no one watches them while they are in their cars? I mean, my whole life revolves around staring at all those other folks who are stuck in the same traffic jam that I am in. Why do you think you can do all that stuff you wouldn't do unless you were alone? Now I know that you don't normally scratch your butt in public. But, there you are, almost climbing onto the roof of your car trying to scratch that elusive ITCH. And the nose-picking -- it is the absolute WORST -- of course, only men do these things. The women are all trying to fix the twisted leg of their panty-hose, (you take both legs off, then you inch the car forward a little, then you put the twisted leg on (repeat 6 times, finally you get rid of the twist) you start to put the other leg on, then you inch forward a little more and bump the car in front of you. It is now a race to see if you can get your hose back on before that guy can walk back there to cuss you out. You WILL lose and have to stay in the car the whole time that this idiot guy from Redneck Falls, Oklahoma, jumps up and down and yells at you, even though you know you would be much more formidable if you were to get out of the car. (For one thing you could deck him!!!). Finally, after giving him the name of your insurance company and promising him your first *TWO* children, he goes away and you can proceed with putting the other leg of your hose on. It works -- after only an hour and 20 minutes of struggle you have successfully twisted the *OTHER* leg of your panty hose.) And then there is the FARTING. You can tell people are doing this because they are rolling their windows down and pretending to try to see what is holding up traffic even though it is 200 below zero and a the middle of a blizzard. Plus, they look funny when they do it. First, they look all around themselves. Then, they fart. Then, they look all around again to make sure no one has heard the noise. Come on, 5 bil- lion cars, all standing still in a space the size of a 1 car garage, honking their horns, and these people are worried that someone MAY HAVE HEARD THEM FART. Well, they're right -- we all heard them do it and we are all staring at them and we are all going to call their mothers and tell on them as soon as we get out of this traffic jam (about 3 hours from now, give or take a week). Also, there is an awful lot of singing. Everyone sings along with the radio. Or maybe they just talk to themselves rhythmically for 2-5 minutes at a time. Then, when the song finishes, they quickly look around to see if anyone noticed. YUP!! I noticed and I will stare at you for a while to see if I can make you feel unbelievably DUMB!!! It WILL work! You will see me staring. You will hate my guts. You will start carrying a 357 magnum to "take care" of people who catch you singing in your car in traffic jams. What I really like are those guys who go ahead and start up a long hill in a snow storm when they know they can't possibly make it. These are people who can't move forward in RAIN because they have such slick tires. These are people who have never, ever, gone ANYWHERE in snow. These are people who have trouble moving forward on FLAT DRY surfaces. These are the people who are ALWAYS in front of me in blizzards, and they always beat me to that gentle sloping hill that ANYBODY should be able to drive up but NOOOOOO, not these people. They were put on the earth primarily to get in MY way during snow storms, and, they have it down pat!! They start quickly up the hill (spinning their wheels as they start off) they move 6 feet up the hill, they roll back down 5 feet (they are now at a slight angle), then, they floor the accelerator. Stuck again!!! Usually 10 to 12 really BRIGHT folks do this to make us all really happy. It seems impossible, but, people who cannot possibly drive up a hill in a snow storm always arrive at the hills they can't drive up in large groups. This is to insure that people who CAN drive up hills in snow storms can't get to the hills in order to drive up them. Well, the traffic jam just cleared (they towed those guys off the hill), so I guess I'd better mosey along. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Diary ========== by Hugh Cushing Dear Diary: I hate my new job at the Bursar's office. You get in at 10:30 once George comes around and unlocks the door, and then there's all these papers all over your desk, and you don't know where they came from. So you shove them on the floor and try to get to work, and then the stupid computer won't work! The girls have this funny toy called a "computer smasher" and it's a foam-rubber hammer that you can hit the computer ter- minal with, and it's really great, except I wish it was real! So I was thinking today maybe trying to hit it with something real, so I used this roll of quarters, and it worked for a second. But some wires must have got crossed, because the repairman and Mr. Shoeberg came around and they both got really mad. So >then<, I get this stupid guy comes up to my window and said he didn't get his GLS check, or something. So John, the really smart guy next to me who just started, says he doesn't know what the LSG check is either. So I asked the guy what it is, and he said the government was going to give him $13,000! So I said "Yeah, right," and I called security with my little button under my desk, because I'm not paid to deal with nut cases. But did that stop Mr. Shooburg from yelling at me? Oh, no! And I thought that this was going to be a great job, because I was watching the place while I was waiting for my interview to get hired, and I saw all these really foxy, rich guys with those CB jackets that my brother-in-law is always wearing, and I said "hey, I want to work here!" But it turns out they're all such CENSORED! They act like I just spit up or something. Plus, they're not so hot, half the time they're sucking their stomachs in and they've got zits on their forehead that they hide under the hair that they hang down over one eye. And I thought that all the money would be neat to play with, but they've got MACHINES to count the money with now! It's like Russia, in a way. Oh, well, at least my commute's down to three hours. Good night, diary. Gnomery ======= Ever wondered how funny it would be to steal someones garden gnomes, put paper bags over their heads, send a photo to their owners and ransom them back to them .. or perhaps just take the gnomes to Blackpool, take a nice photo of them standing by the sea and send it to the owners saying 'having a wonderful time, will be home soon, love your gnomes' .. Once upon a time, in a land far away, long ago, there lived a group of gnomes. These gnomes were very short, grey people with warts on their noses and bells on their toes. Surprisingly, there was music playing all the time, wherever they appeared. Not so surprisingly, many poems were written about the gnomes the most popular of which ended: "Grey gnomes of the Gnome Home, they work in the earth, they till and they carry to show what they're worth. They've warts on their noses and bells on their toes and they shall have music wherever they goes." True, this was not very correct grammatically, but, it served the pur- pose of the day. Anyway, one of the gnomes was startled to come upon a bright green rock as he dug in his field one day. This rock was harder than any subs- tance he had ever seen before and he was sure it was a miraculous discovery of a gift from the gods. So, he took it to the gnome council and asked what he should do with it. Well, the gnome council was just aghast. They had never seen any- thing as wonderful as this green stone. The council decided that the gnome who found the stone (whose name was Andy) would be charged with the task of carrying the stone to the Kingdom Island and presenting it to the King. It would then be up to the king to decide what to do with the beautiful green stone. So off went Andy the gnome to the Kingdom Island. After many days and many adventures (all too numerous to tell you about right now), Gnome Andy presented himself and the beautiful green stone to the King. Well, the King was even more delighted than Gnome Andy and the Gnome Council had been. He really wanted the beautiful green stone. Since he was a good King he decided that he would give gnome Andy the hand of his lovely daughter Joan in marriage if gnome Andy would give him the stone. Since the Princess Joan was the most beautiful girl in the entire world, gnome Andy quickly accepted the King's proposal. The only other require- ment was that Andy and Princess Joan reside on the Kingdom Island so that Princess Joan would never be very far from her father. This was a difficult decision for gnome Andy. He went back to his home and discussed the choices with his family and friends and the gnome council. Eventually, after much soul searching, he decided to accept the King's offer and live on the Kingdom Island with his beautiful wife Joan. They lived happily ever after and had many children and many adventures. But, back at Gnome Home, whenever anyone asked where Andy was, people always responded: "Gnome Andy is an Islander" How to Know When You're Growing Older ===================================== - Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. - The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. - You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere. - Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. - You get winded playing chess. - Your children begin to look middle-aged. - You begin to outlive enthusiasm. - Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. - A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. - You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions. - You look forward to a dull evening. - You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals. - Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today". - You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for romantic. - You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. - Your knees buckle and your belt won't. - You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. - After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. - Dialing long distance wears you out. - You're no longer startled to be addressed as "ol' timer". - The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off. - You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. - The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife. - You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M. - Your back goes out more than you do. - You get too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. - You get your exercise acting as a pall bearer for your friends who exercise. Frans J. Ward Excuses ======= (The following are actual notes written to school teachers by emphatic parents. There are NO type errors.) 1). "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." 2). "Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot." 3). "Please excuse Fred for being. It was his father's fault." 4). "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33." 5. "Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins." 6). "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover." 7). "Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She was administrating." 8). "Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well." 9). "Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor." 10). "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps." The Book of George ================== This whole thing is extremely weird. I mean, how many people could actually live the life that I do and stay completely and utterly sane? Answer: NOBODY! I guess that you could say that I am about as loony as they come. Really. At least that's what I tell myself. But the strange thing is that myself agrees with me. Of course, his opinion was never very good, even when I was in that twinkie mining accident on Regulus-5 (a nonchalant little star system on the outer edge of the Milky Way, but I digress.) Looking back on the nineteen years, six months, and some odd days that I, as a piece of primordial plasma, have existed, I see the one sole purpose of my meager exis- tence. To own a chicken ranch outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, and, as a side business, to rent U-haul trailers to passing motorists. This is the end of Part I of my multifaceted expose into the life and times of an aesthetic wacko. ---------- It's sort of funny the way things happen. One minute you're floating on air, the next you're hit by a glob of chocolate pudding and sent hurtling on a collision course with destiny. That's the way I feel about certain things. Life is basically an avocado, no, wait, actually it's more like a kiwi fruit, you know, sort of oblong, with a furry outside and all green, and mushy inside. OK, OK, so maybe it's not the best analogy in the world, but for a guy who's popped his gourd, I think it shows a certain amount of talent. You know (that is "sabes" in Spanish), I've been thinking. Is existence temporal? Does "I THINK THEREFORE I AM" imply "I THOUGHT THEREFORE I HAVE BEEN" or "I WILL THINK THEREFORE I WILL BE"? Maybe the former, but probably not the latter, although I don't know. Look! It's a brick! Here ends Part II of a journey through the imaginative paths of a gaggle-snorp grandmaster. ---------- I tried Reality once, but was lucky enough to find out that it was highly addictive in time. After that little nasty incident, it has been one cascading, highly imaginative adventure after the other. As I spiral into the deep catacombs of man's destiny and get closer to the meaning of it all I realize that we are all only dreaming of an unat- tainable Utopia. Wow! Now you tell me that isn't the most incredibly profound thing that you've read in quite a while. Go ahead tell me. I'll wait while you do. *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT* *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT* *WAIT*WAIT*WAIT*WAIT* Thank you. My lifetime can be compared to a Styrofoam box. Well, actually, it can't really be compared to a Styrofoam box as they are two absolutely completely different concepts altogether. Thusly does Part III take us along the never ending look at man's destiny where grapefruit is concerned. ---------- You ever wonder what it would be like to be a rock? Just sitting there, all day, watching people go by and being stepped on (even though stepping on a rock probably doesn't hurt the rock physically, the psychological turmoil must be tremendous.) Can you see a rock, a chunk of ole' Mom Earth, on a psychiatrist's couch with a list of neu- rosis longer than my arm? And I think that I need not even get into the erosion complex. But, these ideas are for better men than I to consider, and rightly so because right now I am trying to get through school so that I can become one of those better men who haven't any- thing better to do than think of strange and sundry items with which to perplex the bipedal, sentient creatures that we have all come to call Mom, Dad, Uncle Eugene, or what have you. A guru once told me, "Your life is a peanut, sometimes boiled, sometimes crunchy, sometimes salty, sometimes low sodium, but it is still just a peanut". And to my dying day I will always think that the guru was a bit wacky. Ending thus does Part IV of this incredibly frood trip into that ameba shaped substance know as creativity. ---------- I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter "C". It is a kind of difficult to play when I'm inside here and you're out- side there. I bet that you often wonder just what it's like to be a story. It's true that I was created simply through the mental pro- cesses of a creature more or less like yourself, but the spark of the creation that inspired me has left and I have taken on a new persona. There is of course one thing wrong. No matter how many times you read me, I'll always say the same thing. It is a bummer, and it puts the pressure on you to get something different out of me each time. Hey! I just had a great idea. Look around you and write down what you see and think about it. Then when you read me again try and be somewhere different. Wow, I think that is a novel idea in writing (pun very much intended.) Every different situation will produce a new set of ideas. This is wonderful. I am sure that every God-fearing American will sleep better tonight knowing that one of the problems of the uni- verse has gone wherever problems of the universe go when they have been put to rest. Part V of this expedition, that could very well be called the Book of George, ends here. Or here. Or maybe here...(ad infinitum) Law as it Should Be =================== By Mat of the Untouchables -------------------------- One evening after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the Avenue when just ahead of them walked a beautiful woman. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turned around. She said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning he presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other $25.00 I'll sue you." He laughed saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering him to court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and ex- plained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't get judge- ment on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case is presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time, for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possesion of the pro- perty, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00, one half of the amount agreed upon. "The rent was not expensive, since this was restricted property, and was not available to all, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was some what altered from the way he had originally planned to present the case. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property from her for a time and derived a degree of pleasure from this transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being performed personally by him. We therefore claim the improvements on the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer came back with this: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed his stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left a hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that judgement be granted." SHE GOT IT!!  H>L|H>L|H>L|H>L|`H>L|0H>L|H>QL|Nu$H$&"BA -KaXA"f B &nNuH>dd2d"d""d""""d LHC dLHLH C@d LHL|H| L|H|PCd~""""C`:LHL|H| L|H|PL|H|L|H|L|H|L|H|L|H|@L|H|pL|H|L|H|CQL|Nua`Np?a a?<LNA``NuNu`aza`aa~aHA-Hhp alpMah=@F?<NNTT@A0r p0Q`pdr ta0.F=@=@ACp,2QAp 2Qa a`\`Xpea>pCR2Ad0A2r22aZ"<CZ0<NBLNurt=@:=A@=B NuHz(` NC,Hz ?<&NN\Nu9RgNuWRNu|^|  R^,T:&0D4(*<B$,>2::(   F.. The Amazing Adventures of Herbert ================================= Episode I: Herbert's Victory ----------------- One day, long ago, in a land known as the Golden Land, which is made up of seven kingdoms, a child named Herbert was found in the forests of Spork. This child had been foretold by the Seers of Spig long ago as the one who would defeat the great menace of Spam, and so Herbert was given every care imaginable. Herbert's childhood was made up of train- ing for the great day, and the pleasures of being raised as a member of a royal family. But there was always the shadow of Spam hanging over the Golden Lands. One day, not long after the Ritual of Sham, in which one proves adult- hood by eating an entire pig in 3 days, our hero was wandering in the forests of Spork, when a great shadow covered the sun. Although it passed quickly, the people knew it was an omen of the coming of the Spam. Exactly one year later, the omen came true. On that dark day, known 'till this day as the Day Two Hams Collided, the sun did not rise, but instead, a great can of Spam came out of the east. Our hero knew that there was only one way to save the Golden Lands. Herbert ran to the Hamory, grabbed the magical Saltines and the vorpal butter knife, and ran to meet the challenge. The menace was quickly defeated, with our hero slicing the Spam and putting it on the Saltines, and the people ate the crackers, and thus was the land saved. The only problem was that the magic of the Golden Land, which lived in its wonderful people, was destroyed by the influx of Spam, and soon there was income tax, thermodynamic tests, a postal system, Godfathers pizza, Russians and nuclear weapons. And so was the Golden Land lost forever. (Be sure to tune in next month for another of Herbert's riveting tales!) An Even Bet =========== by Leslie Charteris There was once a betting agent, a bookmaker (of the horsey, not the literary variety), returning late one evening from a race meeting up country. The weather was foul, his car was old and he was tired, so he decided to look for somewhere to stay the night, and to continue his journey home the next day. Soon he saw the lights of a suitable roadside hostelry, and pulled into the parking lot. It turned out to be a country pub, and he was interested to see the nameboard proclaim it was called "The Even Steven". To a man in his line of business this was of course intriguing enough in its own right to warrant a stay. While a meal and a room was being made ready, he signed the register and chatted with the innkeeper, explaining his interest in the name of the place. "Ah," sighed the host, "I thought I was being clever. You see, my name is Steven Even, and I thought if I turned the name round, it might attract some custom. But being a rather isolated road, business isn't what it might be." The landlord went on, "The real problem is my daughters: three of the lusciousest gals you could set eyes on. Ought by rights to have the pick of their boyfriends. But living here, so far from the nearest town, any boy would have to drive 30 miles to pick them up, 30 back to a movie, 30 here to bring 'em back, and 30 home themselves, and 120 miles is more than most boys will drive, even for beautiful girls like mine." The bookie condoled with him, and went into the deserted dining room for his meal, which was delicious, and soon despatched. After a beer with landlord and some desultory chat, the bookmaker retired to his room and got ready for bed. While he was washing, there was a knock at the door, and in glided this fantastic blonde in a sheer nightdress. "Hello, I'm Blanche Even," she said. "I just wanted to see you were all right for the night." The bookie explained that he had everything he needed, and after some further polite chat, the girl went out. Five minutes later, as he was getting into bed, there was another knock at the door, and in sailed a fabulously curvy brunette. She introduced herself as Raven Even, and wanted to make sure he was settled in. He fended her off and soon was composing himself for sleep. Then there came a third knock at the door, and a stunning redhead came in wearing the negligee to end all negligees. "Hi, I'm Ginger Even," she said, "I hope I'm not disturbing you. I just wanted to see if there was anything more you needed." By now the bookmaker was getting tired of the interruptions and politely but firmly showed her to the door. Thirty seconds later the irate landlord burst in. "What's the matter with you?" he cried, "I've three of the most ravishing beauties around, and they all complain you don't want them! Just what is it with you? You wouldn't give even one of them a tumble! Ain't us Evens good enough for you?" "I'm sorry," replied the bookmaker primly, "but as I said when I reg- istered, I'm a professional betting agent; I only lay Odds." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And then there's the one about the two cows in a barn. One says to the other, "Have you heard the one about the two dogs? One dog says to the other, 'Have you heard the one about the two cats? One cat says to the other, "Have you heard..."'" "Hang on a minute," says the second cow. "This is absurd. Cats can't talk!" MESSAGE TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE ENTERPRISE (by the NATO) We need more contacts to the other members ! 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JEf0DH2HgR@?=nxvjDnxL8n@a.g@ +gN -gR $f ,fHQ!aFRnf"_p$RHQa6"_`Rnf`)  g *fp `Jnvjp-`Jnvkp `=_fSnfRnzNuHLn=BvjDBNGLxC*E0RJCfRCR@r2HAARACd ` Efr0Sb Eg4 5e.!A*e0R 9c0`R1R@0c JEr+J@jr-D@UEoJYEc0SEnHJEf0SEH@HdREf0SEH@H 0 0REfH@C* nb XfRnf0nfcJ.g _g .g +g -g HQaL`Rnf`Jnvjp-`Jnvkp `=_fSnfRnzNu؄*؄؅CH`㘘؅X`$_  IaYHR"H @`ʘ؄*؄؅AHNu؅X`$_ IaZYHR"H` nd$HJf-HS Nup"`HPa _a`QNua JH afL0Nua`v#nhHrYalpYaLapY` 9nh/rYa:pYaHyp?o?<?NAO JkpY`/a `XTHELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELPDocument displayer written by Spiff of Orion and altered by Mat of the UNTTRY OUT THE FOLLOWING KEYS: - CURSOR UP/CURSOR DOWN.....................ONE LINE UP/DOWN - CURSOR LEFT/RIGHT.............................PAGE UP/DOWN - T................................................GO TO TOP - B.............................................GO TO BOTTOM - SPACE/ESC/RIGHT MOUSE BUTTON..................QUIT ARTICLE - Q/W/E/R/Y/U/I/O.............................CHANGE COLOURS - P......................................PRINT WHOLE ARTICLE - L.......................................PRINT CURRENT PAGEYOU CAN ALSO USE THE MOUSE: - MOVE THE MOUSE UP..............................ONE LINE UP - MOVE THE MOUSE DOWN..........................ONE LINE DOWN - PRESS THE RIGHT BUTTON................................QUIT PRESS ANY KEY TO GO BACK TO THE ARTICLE !!!!HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP GAMES REVIEWSThere are NO reviews this month!1) ART 1 - Print these prictures2) ART 2 - for the best effect.3) Computer Literacy4) ISM'S and ACY's5) Murphys Laws6) Murphys Military Laws0) Return to the Main Menu ! THERE IS NO MENU 2This is a full scale BUG ALERT !1) PANIC2) TRY TO CALM DOWN3) HIT SOMETHING4) GO AND FIND A COFFEE5) SHOUT "DO IT" HYSTERICALLY6) FIX THE BUG0) RELAX ! GENERAL1) Greetings2) Problem Page3) How to Catch Elephants4) How to Catch More ..5) The Monty Python Joke6) Silly List7) Real Programmers0) Return to the Main Menu ! ADVERTS -=========-1) Main Adverts2) NATO TO ALL ENTERPRISE3) The Source PD Library4) Subcriptions5) Relaxation6) Soup7) THE TRUTH FROM TWB !0) Return to the Main Menu ! GAME CHEATS & TIPS(Taken from a Sewer Doc Disk hope nobody minds .. )1) Castle Master2) Deja Vu II3) Kings Quest4) Pacland5) Space Quest 40) Return to the Main Menu !Various Stuff which has no use !1) Cookery Corner 12) Cookery Corner 23) Cookery Corner 34) Cookery Corner 45) On Computers6) D-Ned Story7) PE Notes0) Return to the Main Menu ! 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Secret Karioke Corner1) Song 1 ..............2) Song 2 ..............3) Song 3 ..............4) Song 4 ..............5) Song 5 ..............6) Song 6 ..............7) Song 7 ..............8) Song 8 ..............9) Song 9 .........>MAT<0) Return to the Main Menu !WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME LEDGERS 7 - DISK 1 -====================-This disk magazine has been created by the Untouchables and friends and it islicenced to Budgie UK and may not be distributed without prior arrangementwith either the Untouchables or Budgie UK.The magazine is very easy to use. Move the creature around the screen by usingcursor keys or a joystick and press the space bar when it is above a door.When reading an article press the HELP key and the document displayer willbe explained to you.All articles are on this disk .. disk 1 .. and all the bonus stuff such as thegraphics source code utilities etc. are on disk 2. Disk 2 is not neededto use this issue (but it helps) ..I hope you enjoy this issue of the Ledgers disk magazine .. Mat of the Untouchables Punch the keyboard violently to begin !WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME WELCOMELOADING - HOLD ON! Programming by Mat of the Untouchables ! and Spiff of Orion SOMEONES BEEN MESSING WITH THE DISK BECAUSE I CANT FIND MY FILE !!I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO WORK UNDER THESE INTOLLERABLE CONDITIONS !! .. GET ANEW COPY OF THE DISK MAG AND DONT PLAY AROUND WITH THE ARTICLES NEXT TIME !! PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE !ARTICLE: xXX-yYY of ###--------------------------------------------------------------------------------AUTOSCROLLING OFFa:\articles\all_by.mat\editor1.matWelcome to LEDGERS 7 !A:\PROGRAMS\GFAMENU.PI1D:\MAGAZINE\READ_ME.MATWELCOME TO THE THIRD ISSUE !A:\articles\adverts\adverts.matThe MAIN AdvertsA:\articles\adverts\dopefien.matDopefiendA:\articles\adverts\soupadv.matA:\articles\adverts\Subscrip.matSubscriptions AvailableA:\articles\Adverts\advert.tsA:\articles\cheaties\cmA:\articles\cheaties\d2A:\articles\cheaties\k5Kings Quest 5A:\articles\cheaties\phPacland HintsA:\articles\cheaties\s4A:\articles\coders\beans.matArtificial IntelligenceA:\articles\coders\realprog.matThe REAL guidelinesA:\articles\coders\technica.matA:\articles\coders\zen.matThe art of Software DocumentationA:\articles\cookery\cook1.mat Cooking cornerA:\articles\cookery\cook2.matA:\articles\cookery\cook3.matA:\articles\cookery\cook4.matA:\articles\moreshit\art1.matArt 1A:\articles\moreshit\art2.matArt 2A:\articles\moreshit\bushjoke.matThe Bush JokeA:\articles\moreshit\golfball.matThe Golfball JokeA:\articles\moreshit\homecomp.matA:\articles\moreshit\isms.matObservationsA:\articles\moreshit\monks.matUnfunny monk jokesA:\articles\moreshit\murphy.matThe Laws .. A:\articles\moreshit\murphy2.matThe Military Laws ..A:\articles\moreshit\sadam.matThe Sadam JokeA:\articles\shit\darkman\history.docA:\articles\shit\darkman\various.docDarkman speaksA:\articles\shit\the_sour.ce\intervew.spdSpeed of the SourceA:\articles\shit\pixel_tw.ins\pixels.docHistory of the Pixel TwinsA:\articles\shit\pixel_tw.ins\the_trip.docA:\articles\shit\budwiser.matThe Budwiser JokeA:\articles\someshit\allpurp.matAll Purpose JokeA:\articles\someshit\d_ned.matThe story of D-NedA:\articles\someshit\elephant.matHow to catch a white elephantA:\articles\someshit\elephan2.matHow to catch a grey elephantA:\articles\someshit\karioke1.matSilly Song number 1A:\articles\someshit\karioke2.matSilly Song number 2A:\articles\someshit\karioke3.matSong number 3A:\articles\someshit\karioke4.matStill reading them ?A:\articles\someshit\karioke5.matDont tell me your singing !?A:\articles\someshit\karioke6.matSong number 6A:\articles\someshit\karioke7.matSong number 7A:\articles\someshit\karioke8.matSong number 8 .. A:\articles\someshit\karioke9.matMagnetic Bullrush .. A:\articles\someshit\short1.matShort story # 1A:\articles\someshit\short2.matShort story # 2A:\articles\someshit\short3.matShort story # 3A:\articles\someshit\short4.matShort story # 4A:\articles\someshit\short5.matShort story # 5A:\articles\someshit\short6.matShort story # 6A:\articles\someshit\oncomp.matA:\articles\someshit\pythonj.matA:\articles\usuals\greets.matGGGGREETINGSA:\articles\usuals\problemp.matThe problem pageA:\articles\features.1\diary.matA:\articles\features.1\filthy.matA:\articles\features.1\final.matA:\articles\features.1\gnomes.matA:\articles\features.1\motoring.matA:\articles\features.1\Title.matA:\articles\features.2\evenbet.matAn Even BetA:\articles\features.2\george.matA:\articles\features.2\herbert1.matAmazing adventures of HerbertA:\articles\features.2\law.matA:\articles\features.2\military.matMilitary ..A:\articles\features.2\morals.matA quizA:\articles\features.2\older.matHow to know your getting oldA:\articles\features.2\pe_notes.matExcusesA:\articles\features.2\valentin.matValentines Day PersonalsA:\articles\features.3\spi\mutant6.docMutant Monthy part 6A:\articles\features.3\realpro1.matReal Programmers ..A:\articles\features.3\realpro2.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro3.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro4.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro5.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro6.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro7.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro8.matA:\articles\features.3\realpro9.matA:\articles\all_by.mat\fill_in.matINTERVIEW QUESTIONSA:\articles\all_by.mat\metal.matA:\articles\all_by.mat\shagydog.matShaggy Dog StoriesA:\articles\all_by.mat\sillylis.matA:\articles\late\message.ascNATO AdvertA:\articles\late\coding.docCoding tips from Powerman of TWBA:\articles\late\crap.docThe truth from the Wild BoyA:\articles\late\intervie.sA:\articles\moreshit\various.matJokes 1A:\articles\moreshit\various2.matJokes 2  0 .42".x$$N@00@@X *~ f((@4.L8 $@& $x L($N@00@@X *~ f((@4L*8 $@& $x` *OO *m - ЭЭ// Bg?<JNAO ?<NNT3|?</</<?<NN /<J/<JHyP?<?<KNA/<J/<JHyh?<?<KNANX?9|/`jAF gp gj g grffnnpenbfJ.fj6pRGFc$SG` J.fjpRGFcRF` `X?<NN @0<}BQ>NNJAg|9HP?< NAPOA a&MM +ЫЫA .GIJgrѓB(g<fG``GPN$^,,,,ܓ,,Cp$L(QGX /KN(K&YdB`BNK~ M&`I |a``X|g"TezF`$|aHg\E`|a>g E`&`| a,E?f:I|a|m4TO]En(MmXL|a4P`>BEg EQJENu&`Ix|a84@HaDgt@IP:$$Q| z gDTeF`|agPEVE`|aHE|aPVSEk|HF&Qjf"<fNu&` `````` `` Y %ATOMIK v3.3 by ALTAIR VMAX/MCS<Va8XONoSowЋH8dodC ? 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AP@}Ɖ+@N$"`f8 a "ہ0+QpMYZ,8znE%"p`-Ü[$ݎ1)80qppc[ ub8ˆc3clؠe2>+ۖ2ۄ4 Ɲ} MP0f0z1)q)B:s&PXyt0ˁ`|4>֔i LjnMnf Yq^U 3_`rg$Ve%-ĺwL0Y5ˣ`2#R 0_ veF ̓bv!@fM1#g;p/21 eV3Xbb!{!þaFuw벰TZMgM,zעًpj^6d%2Àuٲ9&Xǽ"wjbkt@N\GI58XRwB>gf0?:l^Ubs$+Ps'"BG1q{Er6Dlf_fB̎&{Ҥ1A,`T"kv$j*$=cX;@XX@ 0, w&)0i3xpqe43|=83ǽe -Tf p3LZV"+| h%g0#\a, Vi 1@0 WELCOME TO THE LEDGERS VOLUME 7 WELCOME TO THE LEDGERS VOLUME 7 WELCOME TO THE LEDGERS VOLUME 7 .. WRITTEN BY THE UNTOUCHABLES AND FRIENDS .. THANKS TO THE WILD BOYS FOR THIS INTRO (CODING BY POWERMAN, FONT BY MAGNUM AND MUSIC BY COUNT ZERO) .. OH .. YOUR STILL HERE ARE YOU .. ERRRMMM .. IVE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY .. WRITING A MAGAZINE REALLY KNOCKS THE WORDS OUT OF A FELLA .. KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?! YOU CAN PRESS SPACE TO CONTINUE OR YOU CAN SIT HERE AND WATCH THE CUBE FOR A WHILE BECAUSE IM GOING TO GET SOME SLEEP ....... C YA .... MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES NqXNoNNp#NAq0<W2<_Co$H"QCoaCoaCoaQNu2< PQNuAqCp+rH02468:|F#TRPF#USQQ222222L?QQNu??|<x>|??|<>| ADVERTS ------- SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE .. amaze your friends, etc .. Just send 3.00 .. yeah, we lowered the price .. Three Pounds Sterling .. in a cheque, postal order, cash or whatever to : MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES 24 Kingsway West Penwortham Preston Lancs PR1 OJA Back issues are also available .. (At the same price .. 3.00) Currently available while stocks last are issues 1 to 6 .. If you didnt get this magazine as a two disk set then the other disk contains all the source code, pictures, music, and utilities which would not fit on this disk .. eg : A demo cracker for almost every demo ever written by the Avengers A boot sector editor from the Source Source code for the Mr Music 4 Track music player by Electronic Images which plays quartet tunes using very little processor time .. miles less than any module players that I have seen .. Kick off 2 golden goals Original Artwork Two unreleased demo screens Accessories 2 Pixel byte bender source code .. ------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW MEMBERS NEEDED to join the Untouchables .. If you are good then please write for more details .. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Want to write a DOCUMENT DISPLAYER for us ?? .. Do you have the source code to a document displayer lying around on a disk somewhere ?? .. If you would like to see it used (assembly language only please) then send it to the Untouchables at the usual address and prepare for FAME ! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Adverts are free to place in the Ledgers. If you want to place an advert then simply type it out in standard ASCII format (any others, no matter how accidental it was, will be refused) and send it on a disk to the Untouchables .. If you make a profit, PD libraries, sh Interview with SPEED of THE SOURCE ---------------------------------- Name : SPEED In real life ? : That would be telling(!) Group or the people who you do most work for : THE SOURCE of THE PDC Brief Description of yourself if you please .. : Well at the moment I'm wearing a pair of black jeans, brown Kicker hiking boots, & a black CDTV T-shirt (I bet you didn't know I have a CDTV) Age : 17 Height : Around 6' Hair Style : Well it was once long (to my collar) and curly, but now its really short - people have nick named me Gazza at college. I wouldn't really mind, but I hate the fat Geordy bastard. Number of Teeth : Green Number visible when you smile ?? : Blue EH? : Never mind. Fav Night Out : Its gotta be The Mall, Stockton-On-Tees. Its one of best night clubs in the UK. In fact it won best night club in the UK three years running, and missed out to a place called The Maestro in Bradford this year. Fav Drink : Holsten Pils, Sol, Red Stripe, Red Rock, Newcastle Brown Ale, Blastaway - you name it - I'll drink it - appart from Pernod 'cos its bloody aweful. Fav Drug : SPEED (no thats my name) Fav Accident : Falling through a window at a friends party. Fav person called 'MAT' : I don't know many people called 'MAT'.. or 'RUG' for that matter. Fav compooter : I have two computers. My faithfull ST (like shite is it faithfull - its blown up about five times, needed a new drive, two new cases, the Clr Home key doesn't work, and the joystick ports are fucked). And I also have my CDTV - to be fair this is far more superior, and has never broke down. But my ST is my favourite. Fav game : Columns (check out The Source 87) Fav Memory Size : I have 1 meg in my ST and in my CDTV. I would like a lot more though - about 4 meg would do. Fav Disk Size : 520 megabytes (my CDTV drive) Fav Animal : Armadillo Taste In Music : Rave, Country and Western, Heavy Metal, Charts (not Kylie & Jason), Indie and Mad Max. Fav Chant : E.I.O.(!) Do you have a tee shirt with that printed on it ?? : No, but I was chanting it along with 15 thousand other people at Ayresome Park when Middlesbrough beat Man City 2-1. What do you do best : Ask the Girlfriend! When you are not doing what you do best what do you do best ... : Ask the girlfriend. I really pity people with single sided internal drives because : 'Cos when I have a drive that holds 520 meg of data, and they have a drive which won't even hold 520K of data - you've gotta feel sorry for them somewhere along the line! The funniest thing I have ever done at a party was .. : Fall through a window, at the above mentioned party. I wouldn't care, but it was at my managers (from work) house. I just wanted to curl up and die when .. : When I fell through the window. If you want to know more about it then ask EGON, he was there, and he may even tell you of the more embarrassing moments at the party. Do you have greasy hair ?? : No. Are you aware of it ?? : Yes. How many letters of the alphabet can you say in one belch ?? : 512 What do you think of my questions ? : Not as good as my answers! If I had absolutely tons of cash I would .. : But I do have absolutely tons of cash! Last time you were sick who cleaned it up (revealing huh !) ?? : I'm never sick! Most hated person(s) : I don't hate anyone. MAKE LOVE NOT WAR! I have to go now so any final words .. : Happy Christmas to everyone I know. Especially all members of The Source, The PDC and to MR.X. Do you know what I gave MR.X for christmas? A dog biscuit and an earwig! See ya'll at the PDC convention in January! Finally I would like to say a quick hello to : JJF, EGON, MUG U.K, TBE, Ruthless of Awesome, Mercury of TOTE, Kei, All members of the PD confederation, ST Format and YOU! PS - I heard a few rumors the other day which were : That MR.X (leader of the PDC and owner of Prophecy PD) wants to join The Source. Maybe oneday I'll let him join. Oh, and I also heard that The Quartet have split up - and about time too!y rotates about the Z axis. What you can do is to only calculate the x and y columns of the rotation matrix (z isn't needed as all Z coords stay the same during the rotation). Also, you only need to calculate the x and y coords, the z is the same all the time. Check out my starfield source (if its on this disk) to see this trick in action......another thing you can do is pre-calculate all 3 rotation matrix elements for every possible rotation about 1 axis. This will only take up 4K of storage space and save some processor time. Debugging --------- Here's some tips on de-bugging your code.......maybe it doesn't happen to you, but with me, all my bugs turn out to be the most blindingly obvious things, like these: DBF loops: be careful with these, if you use a data register for the counter, when SpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeature Valentine's Day Personals !!! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Snugglebuns, Please believe me when I say that I didn't mean anything by it when I ate your cat. Honestly, I meant well. Love, Powerman. Jerry, Happy Val's Day and good luck with your operation. Can't wait to start calling you Geraldine!! Kisses, Tickypoos. To the Gentleman I met at the ACM Party: I don't know if you recall having a rather interesting I/O (mostly "I", hee hee) session with me the other night, but I must tell you that your interface control was the longest and most exhilarating I've been lucky enough to peruse in a long time. I hope you enjoyed "DEBUG." Call me sometime, Magz. Sandy, I love the gorilla suit. But next time, remember to bring the clothespins ok? Later, Equaliser. Richard Gold, Soon .......... Timmy. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * tart! When your program doesn't work, its important to curse your ST. Say something like 'you son of a bitch, work you mother fucker' or maybe something a bit stronger like 'work god damnit or I'll rip your MMU out and destroy your disk drive, you'll be sorry, I'll tear your apart you god damn shit, work!!!' Or, you could just say something like 'What the fuck?' or 'bastard'. If you really want to impress, when you're code crashes or doesn't work, hit someone, just take the nearest person to you and give em a good whack. Make sure that this person isn't a member of you're crew though (or the boss of your crew!). The end ------- Incase you didn't know, TWB are now mostly an Amiga crew, maybe theres another article in this mag about why we're going over to the Amiga. See ya dudes and remember, TWB rule!!!!!!!! If you want to buy any State Of The Art source, all screens except the guest screen and megatwister are for sale at 5 q??|<@???8888888888887/@<@<x@??|~}{wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwπ??|??|>|<>|??|>|<<x??|<>|???8888888888888888888@>|<@<?x>|>_wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwo|_>>|<@<?x<?x@<>|?x>| (Self) Interview with The Avengers. Lately typed on december 1991. Main questions and answers by The Avengers ( surprise ) WHO ARE THE AVENGERS ? We're a coding crew, composed with 6 members. We used to be only 5 members a few months ago. We now are six. CAN YOU GIVE A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE MEMBERS ? Of course we can. Caius Phenom : member of AVG since it has been created. Previously member of ULM, he is a coder and his own graphix man for most of his screens. He succeeds in doing both activities very well . He is a 19-year-old kid. Michael : his story looks like Caius's one. Also ex-member of ULM and member of AVG since the begining. He's a coder and is 20 years old. 'De Janeiro' : Once more, he used to be a member of ULM. DJ also par- ticipated to the creation of AVG. He's 23 years old and is a coder since 1988. Bitmap : here comes our graphist. He joined us few months later. He's 19 years old. Frnz: our new member. We knew him on august 1991. He is a coder (for about eleven month in assembly) and currently is 21 years old. Antares : I've been a coder for 2 years and a half and now am 21 years old. I've been a member of AVG since the first day. THE DESCRIPTION OFTEN DEALS WITH ULM. DOES IT MEAN AVG WAS BORN FROM THE ASHES OF THE DYING ULM ? Antares: Yes it did. Ulm used to have at least 12 members. The two idiots then thought they were the best and fired ten members at a time. Anyway I should not give my point of view since I've never belonged to this crew. WHAT ARE YOU MAINLY DOING ON THE ATARI ST ? Antares: We code demos, but also some little utilities that we think useful. We're no cracking crew. Frnz: I spend a lot of time at playing... I also use my computer to play and drive synthesizors, when I find time to do it. De Janeiro: I also spend a lot of time at playing games or modifying soundtrack routines these very days ( coz I'm very lazy ). The routines don't work either... WHAT DID YOU RELEASE UNTIL NOW ? The ex-members of ULM released in 1990 a new year demo for which we did 90 percent of the code. Under the AVG label, we released our first megademo called 'Gateway to Hexenland' in april 1991. WHAT ARE THE LITTLE UTILITIES YOU WERE SPEAKING ABOUT ? Mainly, we were speaking of 'Map Editor' coded by 'De Janeiro' and the 'Breakers' coded by Antares. However there are also some great codes like our new hard scroller coded by Michael (not working at the moment) and some others we can't remember. De Janeiro: It's no kidding when telling I have released 'MAP EDITOR v2.25' It is the best on ST .... ( it's the only one ). WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY DONE ? Frnz: nothing....let me think... 'Gateway to Hexenland' is quite a good demo even if we agree that 'Wot a scorcher' and 'Dark Side of the Spoon' are flying a few inches above... Michael: if Frnz goes on speaking about ULM ,we don't know if he will stay long by AVG. De Janeiro: I think my 'MAP EDITOR' is very good ... try it !!! WHAT ARE YOUR CURRENT PLANS ? The main one is to code our second megademo. However there's too much work for our graphist, so we need another one. If anyone is interested, then write to the address given lower. We'll try to set up a very good demo (hem,hem...), even if it may last 6 extra months. Some of us also decided to code a game, but that shouldn't concern AVG. De Janeiro: I don't have any project after our new megademo because I must go to the army ( 10 months ) by october 92. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE ST-CREWS ? Michael: ULM !!! (Untrustable and limited men) The Lost Boys, and here, it is not ironic... Caius: I will place here my only comment, which is: don't forget the Overlanders. Thank you Ziggy (Mcoder and Algernon) for your great 'tridi' demo. Also good work by Dim, I appreciated all your screens since the 'megaballs' demo, and I love your way of mastering plasmas! All other members: We basically love ourselves! WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE DEMOS , UTILITIES AND GAMES ? Demos: The union demo, the cuddly demos, wot a scorcher , dark side of the spoon , european demos, mind bomb, big demo. Utilities : genst 2 , monst 2 , turbo assembler 1.7, flexdisc , gfa 3.5 Degas Elite, Cubase, Publishing Partner Master, Script 2, TOS 2.0 Audio sculpture,Noise tracker, Lavadraw Plus, Calamus and outline art, deluxe paint,le redacteur III. Games: wings of death, dungeon master, populous, north & south, syberius Lemmings, Realms, Xenon II Megablast, Vroom, Enchanted Lands,Megalomania The Fly and Elefant mini Stone Breaker (by Frnz, not released yet). WHAT ARE THE GOODS YOU WILL SURELY THROW AWAY ? Squadron, Midwinter Megafile 44 ('cause of the noise...), DX 11 ('cause of lack of noise) and many more we got rid of. WHAT ARE YOU FAVOURITE MAGAZINES ? Frnz: St-Magazine (in its french edition), but we have to explain this choice. In fact, only 'le petit coin des dmos' and the advertisements are quite good, but we like the magazine anyway... Wish they put less publicity about their net 36-15. De Janeiro: I think 'ST MAGAZINE' is excellent, coz it deals with many subjects. WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF AVG ? Well, after the second demo is finished, we will surely lose some of the members (Frnz will not easily sleep anymore). We don't know if the crew will be able to go on. Here are the studies... COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ON THE ATARI AGAIN ? Antares: This is another question we don't know the answer. We like the Atari very much, so it could, otherwise it might be on the TT for instance. The problem is that a 8-mhz MC68000 is a bit slow . Michael: but a TT is a bit expensive ! DE Janeiro: I would like to buy a more powerful ATARI ( MEGA STE,TT ),but I haven't got any money,so I must wait the prices to collapse or work (BEURK)! However I hate pc compatible and their awful microprocessor (8086,8088, 80286,80386,80486,....... all shit !), I think that MOTOROLA processors are very cool !! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALCOHOL ! De Janeiro: Yes we love it without moderation ( RICARD is the best one, VODKA and WHISKY are awfull )... On the other hand, everybody knows that the best code is done when you are pissed ! WHAT IS, FOR YOU, THE INTEREST OF CODING DEMOS ? Euh... Our motto about coding is: 'JUST FOR FUN' But one can also learn a lot with it, and get in touch with the great world of informatics... DO YOU THINK YOU'RE IMPORTANT IN THE ST-SCENE ? Antares: No, we don't. Of course we proved we knew a lot about how to code on the atari, but we still have to release an high quality production. After, things will surely change . HOW OFTEN DO THE MEMBERS SEE TO ONE ANOTHER ? Antares: This is a big problem for the crew. Education doesn't allow us to set meetings very often, that being approximately 5 times a year. It's half of the problem, cos we never make great codes at the meetings. But the purpose is to fix some of the plans, ideas and concepts. The meetings stand most of the time at De janeiro's headquarter. We would like to thank him once more for being so cool. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FINISH YOUR SCREENS ? Antares: Coding the first version of the screen doesn't take up much time. Most of us are used to coding their routines separately, and then put all of them together. It sometimes becomes very difficult. Caius said he was very disappointed when he had nothing but to do it. Most of this article was written at our christmas meeting in Thionville. It was modified a bit later on. For further informations about us ( esp. GRAPHIST ), please write to : The Avengers 1,Impasse Degas 57210 Feves FRANCE The Avengers 'Just for Fun' , signing off on 29 dec 1991 ^}{u݁3W+\}*|z?{+z*km|m<?x>|<?x??????8?p8?p8?p8?p78/0 ????8?p8?p8?p0?p,3p#p888888888888888888888888888??|>|<88888888888888888887/??|>|<x>|@>|??|>|<?x>|<?x>|<?x>|??|<?x<?x>|<??|<>|??ÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀ|x0}>??|ǀ>?<?>8?|78/0 ??????8?p8?p8?p8?p78/0 The Wild Boys - The end of a legend (<<3O]+/<)2;>C~' K,(W-}q~k/5^aXC(3 (|VO0"Ew^P o0ygGUC>P E#؉F _,b|7{QV_?og(:ס33}#gD5J\׿]LT"Cׁk]s8~@l_ڧ|_̤'7%ۺ@M']:{o8?sHdd4['SL?ϬM0hFSw ^ -?pdl?D0כ Yv*qN%pidؔK?&=7&XCoding tips from Powerman of the mega-ultra-super-doopa Wild Boys ----------------------------------------------------------------- Yeah man, this is Powerman here to give you some coding tips, and no, I'm not going to give away my hardware scrolling or anything like that, but I will give you some small but useful tips.........this artcile is for beginners, advanced coders will already know all about the things described here..... ok, here we go, one time here we go.... How to get flicker free rasters with a module --------------------------------------------- Alright, as many of you will know, or will have seen, a lot of people find it difficult to get rasters while playing a module at the same time. This is because the Timer A interrupt which usually plays the sample can interrupt the Timer B interrupt, which is used to do rasters. This means that the Timer B interrupt sometimes occurs when the video beam is well past the left hand side of the screen, and you get that horrible flickering. The solutions are these: if you're only changing the palette a few times per VBL, set the Timer B interrupt to occur 1 scanline earlier, and then when the interrupt occurs, move 2700 to the status register (MOVE.W #$2700,SR) and then wait for the end of the scanline (check out any lower border rout to see how this is done). This way, the palette change will occur at the very beginning of the scanline, the only problem is that the MOVE.W #$2700,SR blocks all other interrupts, including Timer A so if you change the palette lots of times, the sound wont be played enough times per VBL, making it sound like shit.......another way around the problem is this: say you've got a 1 plane scroller and you want to put some rasters (rub a dub stylee (dont ask)) on each scanline where the scroller is drawn, what you do is this: rewrite your scroll rout so that it draws the first line in bitplane 1, and the second in bitplane 2, then the next in bitplane 1 etc.....or, you can re-draw the font so that the first line is in colour 1, the second in colour 2, then colour 1 etc......the idea is to have the first line of the scroller drawn in one colour, and the next in another colour, then go back to the first colour and carry on until the whole scroller has been drawn. Then, set timer b to occur on the scanline before the scanline on which the scroller is drawn. When the interrupt occurs, change colour 1 (or whatever the colour of the first line is) to the first colour in your colour table. Then, when the first line of the scroller is drawn, its colour has already been set, so flickering doesn't occur.......on the next scanline, you change the second colour used (the colour of the second line of the scroller). Then, at the next timer b interrupt, change the first colour again. This way, the colour for each scanline is set before the scanline is drawn........ Hardware scrolling ------------------ Seeing as there was a hardware scroller source one or two issues ago (not a very good one, but hey, at least it beats all those shit scroll-routs that most ST game coders use), I think its safe to describe the secret of hardware scrolling on an ST.......its all to do with removing borders. There are three border combinations: left,right and both. Remove the left border, and the scanline is 24 bytes longer (normally its 160). Remove the right border, and its 44 bytes longer. Remove both, and its a whopping 70 bytes longer. The left and right scanline lengths might be wrong, I mean, left might be 44 and right might be 24, try it out for yourself......there are also other scanline lengths, for example its possible to get a 80 byte long scanline, but I wont go into that......lets just stick with the three main offsets:24,44 and 70 ( the hardware scroller in State Of The Art uses only these 3, and still only takes 10 scanlines (including all calculations and setup code)). Now, suppose you want to set the screen address to $780A0, its not possible to have a screen address which isn't a multiple of 256, so this is what you do: set the screen address to the nearest (always rounding down!) multiple of 256, which in this case is $78000. Then, store the remainder ($a0, or 160) somewhere in memory. You should set up a VBL rout which takes this remainder, and uses it in a table to find 3 values: these 3 values are the number of scanlines on which the left border should be removed, the number of right borders and the number of both borders. In this case, the three numbers taken from the table should be 3,2,0. This means 'remove 3 left borders, 2 right's and 0 both borders'. This is because (3*24)+(2*44)=160, which is the correct offset you want to create. You must remove the top border by the way, or else you're usable screen area will be tiny.......The way that I compiled my hardware scroll table is this: I wrote all the numbers between 0 and 248 in a column, going up in steps of 8. Then, for each offset, I just added different combinations of 24,44 and 70......and wrote down how many 24's, how many 44's and how many 70's are needed to create the offset. A problem is that some offsets, for example 8, aren't possible using the numbers 24,44,70. So, what you do is have an additional column. If you cant create the offset, put a 256 in this column, and add 256 to the offset. Then you'll be able to create the offset using 24,44 and 70. Then, when you set the screen address, if there was a 256 in the column for that address, subtract 256 from the address. If all this sounds complicated then thats because it bloody well is, well, at least it is when you start trying to code a hardware scroller....... One note about this description is that it will only work for screen addresses which are multiples of 8. It is possible to write hardscrollers which can use any even screen address (I've coded one, hehehe) but thats a lot more advanced than a simple (!!!!) hardware scroller...... How to get it on with sheep --------------------------- Ask Matt..... 3D tips ------- Ok, lets talk about the wonderful world of 3d. If you want to speed up your calculation routines, here are some things you can do: lets take an example, imagine you've got a starfield which only rotates about the Z axis. What you can do is to only calculate the x and y columns of the rotation matrix (z isn't needed as all Z coords stay the same during the rotation). Also, you only need to calculate the x and y coords, the z is the same all the time. Check out my starfield source (if its on this disk) to see this trick in action......another thing you can do is pre-calculate all 3 rotation matrix elements for every possible rotation about 1 axis. This will only take up 4K of storage space and save some processor time. Debugging --------- Here's some tips on de-bugging your code.......maybe it doesn't happen to you, but with me, all my bugs turn out to be the most blindingly obvious things, like these: DBF loops: be careful with these, if you use a data register for the counter, when you subtract 1 from it do a check to make sure the counter always starts at a value if 0 or more. For example, if D0 is the counter and its 0, when you subtract 1 it becomes -1, and the loop will execute for folk knows how many times, and should crash your program. Odd addresses: If you've INCBIN'ed a data file, make sure its an even length, or use the EVEN directive after the INCBIN. If you've got some data stored as DC.B's, always stick an EVEN and the end.......this will ensure you dont go calling any routines at odd addresses etc. Bombs: Its a good idea to replace all the bomb error vectors with your own routines, which should dump out the contents of all the registers to the screen, display a message saying what the error was, and wait until you press a key. There might be a source on this disk by me which does this. When you get an error, check all the address registers to see if they contain an odd address or access dangerous memory areas. Cursing ------- Yes, its something all good coders should do, and if you dont then you'd better start! When your program doesn't work, its important to curse your ST. Say something like 'you son of a birch, work you mother folker' or maybe something a bit stronger like 'work god darnit or I'll rip your MMU out and destroy your disk drive, you'll be sorry, I'll tear your apart you god darn shot, work!!!' Or, you could just say something like 'What the folk?' or 'busstop'. If you really want to impress, when you're code crashes or doesn't work, hit someone, just take the nearest person to you and give em a good whack. Make sure that this person isn't a member of you're crew though (or the boss of your crew!). The end ------- Incase you didn't know, TWB are now mostly an Amiga crew, maybe theres another article in this mag about why we're going over to the Amiga. See ya dudes and remember, TWB rule!!!!!!!! If you want to buy any State Of The Art source, all screens except the guest screen and megatwister are for sale at 5 quid each. Only the vectorballs and big scroll are documented though.......and the fullscreen will cost you 8 quid. Send cash (at your own risk!) or cheques made out to Neil Cousins to this address with a disk and stamped addressed envelope (or int. reply coupons): Wild Boys Productions Inc. 131 Gunnersbury Avenue Acton London W3 8LE England p 㼟x[PG<+؏j}cGE;,LǁA|^]L?~pdoAr0?K?]?K;jEȳ8@g#/N-_(fpm3|n&MGk ̏|Blg~p}I?n8@?w;Q\'i5>pv'h;ЯuPU<g<gA<7aRf'BB`A<;aRf n"nSkgr gfSf'HB`$n$<ka"gSBf J` n`a3a3Jnf +>ga9`Zap 7@:+7@@aGaJ.gGa G.  t..  tMAT PRGt fXGFAMENU PI1t /B}DISPLAY PRG,t UOAD PRGIt d ENU PRG/t AAkC$Irg RQ`R fAk g A`Nu.[,\!]:^0_1`2a3b4c5d6e7f8g9h(i)j?k lApr+0@QNuAkCEp rIG2Q#NuNAr,C&yop 2ELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'ZhGQ#NuAC&yo2AELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'ZhPKp2EL~@ L~`@L~  ` L~ @ `L~@ ""`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'ZhLp'A'B'CP'D'E'F0'G'Lp'M'NLp'AP'B'C'D0'E'F p'G 'L 'M P'N Lp'A 'B 0'C 'Dp'E'F'GP'L'M'N0'Z'ZpGQD2EL~@ L~`@L~  ` L~ @ `L~@ ""`#NuAr,C&yo2AELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`PKp2ELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'ZhGQ2ELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`#(NuAC&yo2AELp'A'B'C@'D'E'F 'G'L`'M'NLp'A@'B'C'D 'E'F `'G 'L 'M @'N Lp'A 'B 'C 'D`'E'F'G@'L'M'N 'Z'Z`p2EL~@ L~`@L~  ` L~ @ `L~@ ""`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'ZhLp'A'B'CP'D'E'F0'G'Lp'M'NLp'AP'B'C'D0'E'F p'G 'L 'M P'N Lp'A 'B 0'C 'Dp'E'F'GP'L'M'N0'Z'ZpGQD2EL~@ L~`@L~  ` L~ @ `L~@ ""`Lp'A'B'CH'D'E'F('G'Lh'M'NLp'AH'B'C'D('E'F h'G 'L 'M H'N Lp'A 'B ('C 'Dh'E'F'GH'L'M'N('Z'Zh ypj AkE#@EA00000000000#Nu  .    0B* > n ,>   &  2 LXh6@   8.&     ..  :  $ $   X("0\ 0>|<88888888888888888887/??|>|hen on friday I finished all work for the year so I could relax for almost a month till I go back to polytechnic. Saturday I went shopping and spent more money than most people make in their lives ! Sunday was a day of rest, parties and food .. and so was monday come to think of it .. and now tuesday is the day before christmas. Ive already been declared 'Pool God of the Western Hemisphere' this morning and I have eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken till I was nearly sick while coming home. And now im here, starting the magazine .. I have done an intro already and since I wrote the top of this article (about a week and a bit ago) I have recieved enough submissions to the magazine to fill two future issue .. Yep, life is pretty good here .. and it just gets better because its Christmas day tomorrow then it will be a solid party fenzy until way into the new year .. I just hope I can survive it all ! .. There was a point to all this text but I cant quite remember it now .. what a shame .. never mind, it probably wasn't important anyway .. Oh yeah, before I forget .. Our demo, Light Speed, is now available and its PD .. so get a copy from us (S.A.E. and disk please) or from your favorite PD stockist (but it may take it a while to get sent to all the different PD libraries) .. PD libraries can get it from us or from anyone else .. As long as the demo gets spread, thats the main thing .. Until next time ... C YA .............. MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES >|<?x>|<?x>|<?x>|ops, mail order companies, people selling their parents, etc, then we would like to see a small amount for getting you the business in the first place .. Sounds fair ?? !! .. well it does to us .. --------------------------------------------------------------------- >|<??|<>|??ÀÀÀÀÀÀÀÀ ISM's - Written and directed by Green Gables ! ============================================== Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk. Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and sells you the milk. Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and then shoots you. Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull. Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society. Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead. Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others. Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk and give it back to the cows. Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they win. A SHORT STORY ------------- WRITTEN BY GREEN GABLES! ------------------------ Saddam Hussein, curious to see how his newly implemented decree allowing Iraqis to travel abroad for the first time in years heads down to the passport office. Once there he joins the line. One after another the passport seekers ahead of him insist that President Saddam take their place. Very quickly he has moved to the head of the line where he is dealing with the clerk. The clerk issues President Saddam his passport with lightning speed. The president thanks the clerk, then turns around to discover that all those in line behind him have vanished without a trace. Saddam turns back to the clerk and asks what has happened. "Simple", says the clerk, "if you leave Iraq, no else has to." Thankyou and Goodnight ! The Laws of Uncle Murphy ------------------------ Collected and supplied by GREEN GABLES ! ---------------------------------------- SUBJECT: Some of Murphy's Laws * Trust everybody ... then cut the cards. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * Quality assurance dosen't. * The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want. * Exceptions always outnumber rules. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * He who hesitates is probably right. * The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. * If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine. * One child is not enough, but two children are far too many. * A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. * The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter. * The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. * When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight. * The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. * The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. * You never want the one you can afford. * Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. * If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. * When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight. * The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. * Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it. * Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. * Interchangable parts won't. * No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind. * If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. * Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence. * Progress is made on alternative Fridays. * No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. * The hidden flaw never remains hidden. * As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline rencounters turbulence. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible. * A free agent is anything but. * The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * The one item you want is never the one on sale. * The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys. * If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable. Murphy's Military Laws... Downloaded by GREEN GABLES ! 1> The other guy doesn't always agree with your plans. 2) As a general rule, a tank beats 4 soldiers. 3) Never underestimate the power of fools... (taken from the document "Murphy and other laws...") Here is a little story I was told... One day, during heavy fighting, a private ran out of ammo. Running to his Seargent, he explained that he had just run out of ammo. The seargent, being a wise military man, told him to point his arms like a rifle and say "bang, bang". So out went the young soldier and he quickly saw an enemy soldier. He pointed his fingers like a gun and said "Bang, Bang" and, much to his surprise the enemy soldier fell down, dead. this went on for a couple of days and the soldier racked up over 20 kills. Finally, one day he saw an enemy soldier on a hill, pointed his arms, and said "Bang, Bang". Nothing happened. As the enemy came closer, he tried again, saying "Bang, Bang, Bang". Again nothing happened. He tried a third time saying "BangBangBangBangBangBang". Nothing happened. The next thing the soldier felt was a blast in the chest. Right before he died, he heard the other soldier say "Tank Tank Tank Tank Tank".... Oh well, that's the way it goes... - Scott L. Baker From: The Mysterious GREEN GABLES .. Subject: A (crap) joke Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for your birthday'. The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son. And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday. On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that. Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got the boy his balls. When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said, "It's a secret, Dad!" And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want 10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please don't make me tell you." And the father backed off. The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought. And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..." And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a secret." And the father kept silent. Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured. And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said, "Son, please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..." And then he died. Have You Gotten Your "Computer Literacy" Yet? by Dave Barry "Hi! I'm Kathi, a sultry blond with loose morals and a body that could cause widespread civil unrest. Be sure to stick around to the end of this message because I want to tell you about a Special Limited One-Time Opportunity for you to send me money in exchange for merchandise! But first let's listen to this Important Message . . . . " * * * No doubt you remember that television commercial a while back in which the proud parents send their chubby son off to college, only they had never bought him a computer, so the other students end up throwing him naked out a 14th-floor dormitory window. This commercial and others like it caused widespread public concern about the need for "computer literacy", very similar to the widespread public concern we had some years ago about the need for swine-flu shots, the result being that today almost everybody except dead people and very recent immigrants owns a personal home computer. But let's face it. For all the good your computer is doing you, you might just as well have gone out and fed several thousand dollars to a goat. I mean, you expected so much. You saw the movie "War Games", in which an adolescent boy uses his home computer to launch a thermonuclear attack against Russia, and you thought, "I would certainly like to have that kind of computing power at my disposal!" And the salesman probably encouraged you. "Yes," he probably claimed, "the Datawhacker 5000 computer can launch a thermonuclear attack against Russia, and with the addition of the optional disk drive, it can even help you with your home finances!" All of which turned out to be so much cow doots, especially the part about your home finances. I don't know about you, but the way I define "help with home finances" is "additional income in the form of money". Well, here's how the computer home-finance programs work: You type in exactly how much money you got and how you spent it, then -- follow me closely here -- the computer tells you exactly how much money you got and how you spent it. This is always presented in computer commercials as an amazing data-processing feat. Dad, Mom, Sis, and Junior are all gathered around the computer, and Dad is pointing something out on the screen, and they're all grinning as though they had just smoked a Giant Economy Size marijuana cigarette. "Look!" Dad seems to be saying, "Here are the very numbers I typed into the computer, appearing on its screen!" Another example of an extremely popular useless program is the "spelling checker", which is supposed to look over something you've written on your computer and tell you if you've misspelled any words. This sounds great in theory, but when I tried such a program on a couple of my columns, it failed to recognize such basic words as whomp, diddle, puke, whang, debenture, Bernice, poltroon, scum-oriented, fungal, and Harry Truman. Just to make sure this wasn't some kind of fluke, I tested it on a piece by William Shakespeare, another established writer, and it stumbled on just about every other word, including mandragora, 'tis, hast, unseminar'd, think'st, Antony, wot'st, demi-Atlas, and burgonet. I admit I don't know most of these words, either, but I don't go around claiming to be a spelling checker. [Although I think it's supposed to be "Anthony"]. Lately the really hot useless personal-computer program is the "spreadsheet". This is the Michael Jackson of the software world. What it does, basically, is generate large batches of numbers arranged horizontally and vertically, which is just what you need if you're a major corporation and you have to fire off daily reports to the federal government indicating how many OSHA-approved deodorant cakes you have in your employee restrooms, but a waste of time for the common person, who in his or her everyday life needs only a few smallish numbers, such as "four" [as in "I'll have four beers"]. Nevertheless, common persons, desperate to use their personal computers for *something*, have been buying spreadsheet programs by the tens of thousands. God knows what they do with them. I have a friend, Sheldon, formerly quite bright, who uses his spreadsheet program to invent imaginary baseball teams and compute their imaginary batting averages. What has happened, I think, is that the technogeeks who come up with these programs have inhaled too much mechanical-pencil dust and no longer comprehend the kind of practical data-processing assistance we need here on the planet Earth. That is why I am very pleased at this time to announce the introduction of "Normal Person Software", a revolutionary new line of computer programs starting with the Normal Person's Home Financial Adviser. The way this particular program works is you type in a financial question such as, "Can I afford to buy a [name of thing]?" And the Home Financial Adviser responds: "YES! I DON'T SEE WHY NOT! IF YOU REALLY WANT IT!" It also does your taxes ["YES! YOU CAN DEDUCT THAT! I'M SURE OF IT!"]. Pay close attention now as Kathi leans over very far forward and reveals how you can obtain this amazing new breakthrough product: * * * "Hi! To obtain the Normal Person Home Financial Adviser, as well as a free copy of my extremely illustrated book, "How to Refinish Furniture Naked", simply drop any major credit card into an envelope and mail it to me [squinting at cue card], Kathi. Each month from now on, we'll send you a new software program, unless we don't come up with any, in which case we'll keep sending you the Normal Person Home Financial Adviser. If at any time you are not completely satisfied, you may, of course, write a lengthy whimpering letter to the federal Bureau of Consumer Concerns, whose chief executive officer, Ernie, keeps more than $6,000 worth of leather goods in a special closet in my apartment. Thank you. From : The ever amazing GREEN GABLES ! Subject : George Bush Joke The essence of this joke I heard on Radio Four, on a political quiz programme (with politicians too !). I've embelished it a bit, so here goes....... During his recent visit to the United States, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was chatting informally to the President. George was curious about something, so asked John how he chose the members of the Cabinet. John smiled and replied, "Well, I asked each of them a riddle. For instance, I asked Norman Lamont 'If it's your father's son, but not your brother, then who is it ?'. Norman thought about this for a while, and then answered, 'It's me.'. So I gave him the job." Now George thought this was a great idea, so later on, when John had set off back to the U.K., he called in Dan Quayle. "Dan", he said, "if it's your father's son, but not your brother, who is it?". Dan had a think, but was a bit puzzled, so he went out and asked Norman Schwarzkopf. Ol' Stormin' Norman answered immediately, "Well, that'll be me, Mr. Vice President sir." Dan smiled, and returned to George. "Well Dan?", the President asked. "Mr. President," replied Dan, "it's Norman Schawarzkopf." George looked up desparingly at the ceiling and sighed deeply. "No Dan. It's Norman Lamont." "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL" PART I =========================================== (Downloaded by Mat of the Untouchables) Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work points out that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.) But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which "little old ladies" can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing "Asteroids" and "Pac-Man", and anyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's. There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical high-school junior "Pac-Man" player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with 12 - year - old "Pac-Man" players (at a considerable salary savings). LANGUAGES --------- The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied,"You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer. * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING ---------------------- The academics in computer science have gotten into the "struct- ured programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeat- able tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming: * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused. * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting. * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious. * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT - UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned GOTO's. Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book contending that you could write a program based on data structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name. OPERATING SYSTEMS ----------------- What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even "little old ladies" and grade school students can understand and use CP/M. Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the "PRINT" command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers. No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex- calculator. (I have actually seen this done.) OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken. PROGRAMMING TOOLS ----------------- What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymore Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymore, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies. In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on their Alto and Dorado computers. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse. Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorpor- ated into editors running on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VIbeing two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise. It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse -- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine. For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a program like this, no manager would even think of sending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job security". Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers: * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on structured programming. * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps. * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creat- ivity, destroy most of the interesting uses for EQUI- VALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the operating system. code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient. * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded. THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK --------------------------- Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth shaking importance (literally!). * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers. * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions. * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies. * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems for cruise missiles. Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language called "ADA" ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, and includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsgar Dijkstra doesn't like it. Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike. The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY --------------------------- Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room: * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand. * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT ------------------------------------- What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done. The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer term- inal. Surrounding this terminal are: * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not - documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, and then finishing the rest in the last week, two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general: * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night). * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. * A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. istor in time (much less space) and asks for a picanic basket, eh Booboo? Realizing that he is not a bear Ned rides off into the sunset while converting AND-OR expressions into NAND expressions. Going a little faster than he wanted, Ned, moving faster than the angular velocity of the earth's rotation finds himself in mid-morning the same day. All of a sudden, Ned felt quite strange as his colors changed. The end of this part of the story I guess since it is almost time for lunch and my arm and mind(s) are getting weak while the construction of the CII is still being built and people walk by outside the lecture hall and the prof continues to talk as someone sneezes and other people talk and rumple papers and close paper binders while I stop writing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ and PASCAL programmers? From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN sh All-Purpose Joke ================ Submitted by Alan B. Clegg These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says "Make me laugh, make me cry, win a $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower over- head, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants. The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!" At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!" There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says "And now his broth- er's a dead ringer, too!" The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks. Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stum- bling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears. A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mys- teriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly. Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!" (Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.) An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitious bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man. The bartender notices a man scrawling grafitti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads: >>>Electricians do it for the halibut. >>I have a haddock. >Cod, I hate this. The bar explodes into spontaneous applause. A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says "57!". The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him. A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door... . 10, Oct 1978. Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21 16:55:16 1982 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE FUTURE ---------- What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers? From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL program- mers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding struc- tured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be. Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.) No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years the popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN! ACKNOWLEGEMENT -------------- I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G., Rich E., for their help in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B. for the illustration, Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS: mark for the initial inspiration. REFERENCES ---------- Feirstein, B., "Real Men don't Eat Quiche", New York, Pocket Books, 1982. Wirth, N., "Algorithms + Data Structures = Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976. Ilson, R., "Recent Research in Text Processing", IEEE Trans. Prof. Commun., Vol. PC-23, No. 4, Dec. 4, 1980. Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of Text Editors -- or -- a Cookbook for an EMACS", B.S. Thesis, MIT/LCS/TM-165, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, May 1980. Weinberg, G., "The Psychology of Computer Programming", New York, Van Nostrand Reinhold, 1971, p. 110. Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language submitted to the DoD", Sigplan notices, Vol. 3 No. 10, Oct 1978. Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol. 3 No. 9, Nov 82, pp. 58-66. "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980. sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net, Thu Oct 21 16:55:16 1982 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: The high flying GREEN GABLES ! Subject: A quiz !!! SAINT OR SINNER --------------- Have you got the morals of a saint or the scruples of a three bollocked monkey on heat. 1. You are walking along the street when you notice an old lady drop her purse without realising it. Do you... a) Pick up the purse and return it to her b) Pick up the purse, empty it and return it to her c) Pick up the purse, put it in your pocket, then snatch her handbag to see what else she's got. 2. Coming out of church you walk past the collection plate. You have only 5p on you, do you... a) Willingly give up your last 5p. b) Put your 5p in and take 50p change. c) Just grap the plate and run off like a greyhound with it's arse on fire. 3. A friend tells you a juicy bit of scandal involving a well known individual but makes you swear not to tell anyone. Do you... a) Keep quiet. b) Tell your best friend but stress it must go no further. c) Sell the story to the sun and bugger off to the Bahamas on the proceeds. 4. You discover a friends wife is having an affair. Do you... a) Hope she'll see the errors of her ways and keep your nose out of it. b) Tell your friend, but in a subtle and diplomatic way, urging them to calmly discuss the affair with their partner in a mature adult way c) Confront their partner and pledge eternal silence in return for $500 and to bonk her senseless. 5. You are in a supermarket and notice an old man shoplifting. Do you... a) Do nothing. You figure his pension doesn't go far and the store won't miss a few tins of beans. b) Follow him round the store so you can have a good laugh when he gets caught. c) Shout 'Stop thief', grab him in a headlock and march him round to the managers office to get the reward. 6. You are in a bank when an armed robbery takes place. An old lady is taken hostage, do you... a) Plead with the robbers to take you instead. b) Keep your mouth shout, stand in a corner and quietly soil your underwear. c) Nonchalently wander over to the cashpoint and draw out all your money before it gets stolen, then shout out, 'The old lady just pressed the alarm bell!' and use the ensuing chaos to make good your escape. 7. In the pub you pay for a round of drinks with a ten pound note. The barmaid only gives change for a five, do you... a) Say nothing, you don't like to make fuss. b) Point out the mistake, but lie and tell her it was a twenty. c) Leap over the bar, punch the stupid girl in the face, raid the till and help yourself to a bottle of Jack Daniels on the house. 8. A friend asks you to look after a couple of goldfish while they're on holiday. Unfortunately the goldfish die, do you... a) But two more to replace them. b) Flush them down the toilet and break the news over the phone. c) Help yourself to a bag of oven chips out the freezer and have yourself a fry-up. 9. A friend with a body odour problem comes round. He smells like he's spent the night underneath a buffalo. Do you... a) Grin and bear it. b) Casually break into a conversation about personal hygiene whilst wildly fanning the air about you. c) Put a peg on your nose, shout:'Jesus Christ! You smell like an Orang-Utan,' and make them spend the duration of their visit standing at the bottom of the garden with their pockets full of pot-pourri. 10. You are halway through a meal in an Indian restuarant when you suddenly realise you've left your money at home. Do you... a) Phone a friend or relative and ask them to bring you some money. b) Offer to do the washing up in the vain hope that you may be able to climb out the kitchen window when no-ones looking. c) Take a mouthful of food, then spray it noisely all over the table shouting, 'Oi! Ghandi, you trying to f**kin' poison me or something'. Then run for the door clutching your stomach and dribbling Chicken Masala down your shirt. (only recommended for English lager louts). For each answer A score 3 points For each answer B score 2 points For each answer C score 1 point 20 points or over: Well what a nicey nice sugar and spice, powder puff panty person you are. I bet you have wet dreams about Esther Rantzen. 11 points or over: Your behaviour is pretty normal. You rob Peter to pay Paul then rob Paul to go on the piss. You certainly won't fry in hell but you might have to pick the pearly gates to get into heaven. Under 11 points: What a 100% bastard you are! I wouldn't trust you to hold my hand in case my fingers went missing. You have the marks of a Tory Cabinet Minister. Well done you'll go a long way. From: The powerful GREEN GABLES ! Subject: Military Exercise One of the Few, the proud, but not STUPID =========================================== A military unit was out on a field exercise practicing camouflaging techniques. After every soldier had dressed and taken position the captain went up on a hill to view the site. From his vantage point he could see the entire area, so he started to evaluate the effectiveness of the camouflaged unit. As he sat there looking down on the area he began to notice that a tree was jumping around (very much unlike a "real" tree). This deficiency was so repetitive and obvious that it angered him. After the exercise was over the captain ordered this soldier to his quarters. After thoroughly balling the soldier out for his distractive actions, he DEMANEDED an explanation. The soldier replied, "Sir, I do apologize for my movements, but there is a reason. When those pigeons landed on me and began to 'decorate', I remained still. When that dog came by and decided to relieve himself on my leg, again I stood still, but when those two squirrels ran up my leg and said, "Let's eat one now and save the other for later." I just couldn't stand still!" That's right folks, it's time again for... THE ALL-TIME LIST OF SUPERLATIVES!!! This month's topic...Sillyness -------------------------------------------- Sillyest game................Monty Python (very strange !) Sillyest song title.........."Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron" Sillyest animal noise........Gobble (But "Moo" runs a close second.) Sillyest pizza topping.......Anchovies Sillyest women's undergarment................The Girdle Sillyest euphamism for fecal matter................"poo-poo" Sillyest Politician..........Eggwina Curry Sillyest Ronco product.......The "In-the-Shell Egg Scrambler" Sillyest sexual toy..........Jello (all flavors) Sillyest Philospher..........Heideggar Sillyest food................Yogurt Sillyest non-food............Tofu Sillyest name for a cartoon character...........Elmer Fudd Sillyest puctuation mark.....The Squigely Bracket Sillyest Airline.............Canadian Pacific Sillyest country name........Djibuti, Africa (pron'ced DEE-JEE-BOO'-TEE) Sillyest name for a Rock band.................Jethro Tull Sillyest pair of assholes....Sachi/Sachi Sillyest phrase.............."Now then..." (Think about it.) Sillyest musical instrument..The Stylaphone (Nice one Rolph !) Sillyest American actor......Ronald Reagan Sillyest American president..Ronald Reagan Sillyest name for a computer company............WANG Sillyest English Village.....Billericay, Essex Sillyest bodily function.....The Fart, closely followed by the generation of ear wax ! Sillyest name for a brand of Coffee..............Choc Full O' Nuts Sillyest Sport...............Crocodile Wrestling Sillyest game show host......Bruce ! Sillyest word in the English language............Booger Sillyest holiday.............Groundhog Day Sillyest name for a programming language........LISP Sillyest demo crew...........Split Infinity (HA! - Sue me !) Sillyest name................Bradley This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in normal magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and lands in the dog dish. Notice how ours stays *in* the magazine! Just another fine example of the superior quality of the Ledgers magazine! Of the following, which box would you be more likely to tick: +--+ YES! I would LOVE to receive issues of the Ledgers magazine at a | | small charge! This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be positively +--+ CRAZY to turn down! I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of each new issue, so please RUSH Ledgers 8 to me as soon as possible ! +--+ NO! I am a complete moron, and a wet-head. I'm not interested | | in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll eat it. Don't +--+ ever send me anything again. I hate you weak minded fools. Bleah! If you ticked the "YES" box, why don't you send a cheque or postal order to Mat at the usual address .. details in the MAIN ADVERTS article which was about three choices up from this one on the menu ... If you ticked the "NO" box, you are a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree by your eyelids. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shaggy Dogs =========== (The "answers" to these shaggy dog stories are at the bottom of this article.) ----------- I. Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killed him. They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining of his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum, and gave it to the son of the chief cannibal. The boy was delighted with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks. Until one day, he came crying to his father the chief. "Daddy," he whimpered, "my bongo drum rotted away." "Son," replied the chief, "you can't play 'Tarzan's Tripe Forever.'" ----------- II. And then there was the story of the guy who played the harp for the local orchestra. After a particularly boring day at orchestra practice, he and some friends decided to stop in at Sam's Disco for a quick dance and perhaps a drink or two. Not wanting to leave his valuable harp in the car where it could easily get stolen, he brought it into Sam's with him. Well, the "quick drink" soon turned into several rounds, and our harp player soon began to stagger and yell and cause such a commotion that Sam had to throw him out of the disco and send him home. He awoke the next morning, his head pounding, and slowly began to dress for orchestra practice. As he was about to leave, he discovered that his harp, his pride and joy, was missing. "Oh no!" he gasped. And with a deep sigh, he began to sing, "I left my harrrrrrp... in Sam's damn discooooooo..." ----------- III. Long time ago, there lived great Indian warrior named Shortcake. Shortcake in love with Squaw who lived on other side of great river. Many moons, him sit on bank of great river, watching Squaw who sit on other side. Many times, him decide to swim across great river, but him coward. Him build boat and paddle. But boat sink, and him die. Squaw jump in water and drag out body of Shortcake. And then, 'Squaw bury Shortcake.' ----------- IV. Roy Rodgers was so delighted with his new pair of cowboy boots that he walked into town to show them off. But on the way into town, a cougar jumped out from behind a bush and attacked him. Roy tried his best to escape from the cougar, but his new boots weren't broken in yet and their stiffness made it hard for him to run. Regret- fully, he pulled them off and ran away without them. The cougar was overjoyed at this, and it tore the discarded boots to shreds. Roy, now very angry at the loss of his prize boots, went home, took out his shotgun, and went looking for that cougar. When he returned, the dead cougar slung over his shoulder, his wife met him at the door. When she saw the cougar, she said, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?" ----------- V. When the first team of explorers landed on Planet X, they found that the inhabitants were nothing more than little balls of fur with arms and legs. The explorers called the creatures "Furries" and soon found that the Furries were very adept at manufacturing things. Whenever the explorers needed anything, they just had to go look, and most assuredly there was a Furry somewhere who produced it. But the Furries all looked alike, so, to make it easy for the explorers, each of the Furries wore his particular product on the top of his head. The Furry who sold radios had a radio on top; the one who made dishes had a dish on top; and so forth. One day, one of the explorers, a diabetic, ran frantically into the explorers' headquarters. "My needle broke!" he cried, "How will I ever be able to take my insulin!?" The others, unconcerned, sang to him: "If you need those drugs in a hurry, It's okay, no sweat, don't worry, Just go see that cute little 'Furry with the Syringe on top...' ----------- Answers: I.........'Stars and Stripes Forever' II........'I Left My Heart in San Francisco' III.......'Strawberry Shortcake' IV........'Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?' V.........'The Surrey With the Fringe On Top' And now, a news flash from the world of Heavy Metal Rock. ==================================== Dateline Hollywood: In a brief news conference today at Ripgore Recording Studios, it was announced that yet another benefit concert will be held in April to aid the starving masses in Etheopia. This time, the contributing groups will all be Heavy Metal bands. But what will make this concert different is, instead of performing one after the other, the participating bands will all play on the same stage simultaneously. Furthermore, all the bands will each be performing different songs, again, simultaneously. The reason for this unprece- dented schedule was not given, but one of the participating artists said that it would be a "stimulating experience." The concert, dubbed "Twisted-Helical-Iron-Scorpion-Rat's-AC/DC- Maiden-Sister's-Leopard-Kiss--Aid", was tentatively scheduled to be held in Omaha, Nebraska, but due to the local zoning laws forbidding any noise exceeding 250,000 decibels, the location was changed to The Sea of Copernicus, the Moon. The concert will NOT be broadcast via satellite, as it will easily be heard at every point in the known universe. Other "Aid" events to watch for... Roller-Derby Queens benefit Derby...........RollAid Secret Service benefit supper...............Presidential Aid American Medical Association luncheon.......First Aid The Wall Street Charity bonds...............Financial Aid American Cinemas benefit movies.............Visual Aid Fisherman's Union benefit Fish Fry..........MermAid .  tl..  tMESSAGE ASC't .wODING BAKKt d%RAP BAKNt "INTERVIES nt CRAP DOCV%t CODING DOC%t d% Are you Tim Hurman ? The Test. 1. At night do you dream of Richard Gold and lots of disgusting homosexual things ? A. No not at all. B. Sometimes after eating cheese. C. Allways coz Richard has a nice arse. 2. What do you send someone on Valentines day ? A. I send my Girlfreind a buch of flowers. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. I send Richard gold a hotel ticket an an invitation for a dirty weekend doing all sorts of perverted things. 3. What do you do at Christmas ? A. I kiss my Girlfriend under the mistletoe. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. I shag richard under the mistletoe. 4. What do you do on the computer ? A. I like to drawn and play computer games. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. I play games with richard gold, the best one is called Willies in disk drives. 5. What is your idea of a good night out? A. I take my Girl friend to the cinema. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. going to bed with richard gold. 6. What do you do at school. A. I chat up the girls. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. I shag Richard gold behind the bikesheds. 7. What is your handwriting like ? A. Very neat and tidy. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. Really crap coz when I write letters richard is allways doing * CEnsored * to me. 8. What would you say your talents are ? A. Being hansome and intelligent. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. Giving Richard an Orgasm. 9. Whats your favourite peice of computer equipment ? A. My External disk derive. B. Sometimes after cheese. C. Richard Golds Bottom 3D raytraced in Virtual reality. 10. Which Football team do you support ? A. Liverpool B. Sometimes after cheese. C. ARSEnal. Mostly A's : You are a normal person but you don't think of beer enough. Mostly B's : You are insane Mostly C's :You are tim Hurman the biggest bum bandit ever in the history of the earth and you also like Blure Peter and wear Kylie Minogue T shirts. ** Yet again Tick amazes us all with is grasp of the English language. ** This articles has had a few of the more common swear words doctored ** slightly, but there may be a few of the more obscure words which ** the spell checker will not find so dont let it worry you, its just ** Tick being Tick ...... ** Mat Hello and welcome to Mutant Monthly 6 By the Tick of Split Infinity. Well firstly I think I'll clear a few things up about Split Infinity. Matt obviously was having a Tiff with his sheep coz he wrote on Untouchables disk mag 4 that Bradley Flack was a member of Split Infinity, he most certainly isn't, would you have a member in your crew called Bradley ? No sorry Brad only jokkin' . Here's a quik member list for you, any one else who says they are a member can join Matt with his Sheep. The Tick, Grafix. Technotron, Grafix. Donatello, he plays Jimmy Whites snooker. The Titan, Coder. Playdo, Coder. Mikey, Musician. Swizzle, Musician. Ninja, Coder. Magz, young person and coder. There aren't any other members, any other members you have read about have been booted out, a bit like the way that Twat Steve Birtwell of the untouchables was kicked out. What the folk is happening to the enterprise ? Firstly I hear that The Untouchables have left and Joined the Inner Circle, Well I don't mind that too much, it's great not to be in the same demo thing with reanimator. There aren't that many crews in the enterprise any longer, Digital Justice have dispanded and there only member who did anything has joined our crew ( nice to have you titan ). Then there was the magnificent 7, they also dispanded and Ninja has nmade the wise decision of joining Split Infinity. Then there is Swizzle, the main musician for the enterprise, what happened. Well I showed him some screens for our megademo and he joined. So who's left ? Well there's the wild Boys, then I get a call from Dan telling me that they have gone to the amiga, Dan said he got this bit of gossip off Matt of the Untouchables. Frankly I don't beleive it at all, but who knows. Then all that's left is Nato, The Terminators and I can't even think of anyone else. Well as for me not beleiving the bit about Powerwoman and the rest of the Wild boys going to the Ameoba, I am sorry MAtt!!!!! I rang up Powerwoman and he said it was true, here's how the conversation went : Rob :Hello Neil, I've been hearing a few funny stories recently. Powerwoman : L..l...l..li..like w..w.....what ?] Rob : I hear your an ameoba owner !!!!!!! Powerwoman : Y...y...yes i..it i...i....s true. Rob : Why ? Powerwoman : Coz t..t..the a..a..ameobe i...i...s m.m..much better. Rob : Has jackie got an amiga then ? Powerwoman : Not at the moment, but I am gonna buy him one for Xmas in exchange for sexual favours!!!!!!! This means the end of the Wild Boys and the end of the enterprise, the enterprise megademo would have been pretty shot anyway. Probably about as orriginal as the state of the art demo but with orriginal coding and Gfx. Oh yeah the reason for all the fullstop things in Powerwomans text is coz he has a speach impediment, not coz I've got a dodgey keyboard on my Ste. Actually I have to thank Powerwoman as he has given me agreat idea for the Split Infinity Megademo. Just look out for the screens dedicated to him and MAtt of the Untouchables, they should be very funny if you know these two guys ( prat in Powerwomans case ). Well it's a week after the shopper show and I think I'll write a bit about what happened. Well to put it quite frankly it was a load of crope, most of the stands were selling the same old shote and their wasn't anything new on show, just the usual load of PC's with their VGA colour monitors displaying nice digitised landscapes. Also there were the usual load of shotty amigas, most of them had this rather shot jerky lemmings animation on them. It was really duff, it needed 2 megs to run and only lasted about a minute and most of it was just lemmings sprites running around, I can't say the animation was shot as it wasn't but the code was crope, you could easily do it on a meg and without it being so jerky. I went to the shopper show with Playdo, Paul the greasy italian bus-stop and John doctors. Getting up on the saturday morning wasn't a problem thanx to Squintex of Thunderforce. What a complete bus-stop. You see I was meant to meet him at the show but his car broke down on the motorway and he rung up, you may be thinking " what a kind considerate person " not exactly as he rang up at half past 6 in the morning. I couldn't be arsenald to get out of bed so my mum answered the phone witha rather load " What time do you bluedy call this to ring up ". I was not ammused with him, especially as I hadn't gone to bed till about 2 in the morning. At the show I was also meant to be meeting the SPy of TUC and a few other members of TUC. Well it was a bit of a bombmer really coz I said to meet me at a stand which weren't at the show. Well I didn't think I'd get to see them but at about 1 o'clock some person came up to me and said " are you Rob ? ", I thought " who is this guy " but then I realsied that it must have been TUC as they had recognised me by my Jacket , which is pretty distinctive. Well it was nice to see you Jethrow, and good to talk allthough it was a bit difficult to think of things to say as the show was soooo boring. At about 2 o'clock I had the unfortunate experience of meeting Tim Hurman, he's such a lame bus-stop. He was with his favourite friend Dan McGarry or as Sammie Joe would say DAn is his worst demo crew ( what is Sammie on about ? ) Well I must have spoken to DAn for all of about 10 second when I told him " Hey Dan I'll meet you at the 16 32 PDL stnd in 30 minutes ". Then me, playdo, john doctors and paul the italian greaser baggered off back to the tube station. On the way back we got a bit hungry, like you do at computer shows. So we popped into a wimpy for a quick round of burgers. It was pretty funny as we had sat down and were polishing off our burgers when this bloke tried to walk out without paying. The waiter, or should I say irritable bus-stop grabbed him by the arm. This was when the fun started, the bloke trying to walk out hit the waiter and then started shouting 4 letter expletives at the waiter, the whole place went dead silent as the bloke said to the waiter " you have got no right to touch me you folking clint" After hearing the word " folk " this ten year old at the table near the door started to shot himself with laughter. It was really pretty funny, not what you expect from having lunch in the wimpy, but maybe it is. Then after we left the wimpy we went back to the wembley tube station. Of course paul and john tried to get the tube from an unused platform but I won't mention that. We desided to go back to John Doctors house for a bit of a Doss and to check out waht stuff he had recently got. It was pretty good round Johns house as he had loads of Lynx games that I hadn't seen before, I played Checkered Flag and I have to say that it is really amazing, especially the samples at the start, I also played on Viking child which was really great. John was after a game of Kick off 2 with Paul the greasy italian coz last time they played Paul beat John. Well I was expecting Paul to beat the crope out of John Doctors as PAul was boasting like shot about how good he was, well John kicked his arsenal. They played twice and John won both times. Sod it that's enough waffle for now as I am starving so I am gonna get a quick sandwich.............. Urrmmm that was tasty, well onto the subject of Christmas, what a bus-stop it is!!!!!! It's sooo shot, and such a hassle, I'm not talking about getting presents but I mean buying them for other people, firstly you can never think of anything to buy and secondly you never have enough time or cash to go and buy the bluedy presents. Also if you work Xmas just means that you have to do extra hours at work. I had to work 11 hours on saturday from 7 o'clock in the morning to 6 at night. I think it would be better if Xmas only came every four years, just like the olympic games!!!!!!!! Well I am back again after a hard day at school ( school, hard!!!! ), well I found this strange parcel from MAtt on the doorstep and when I put it in the drive it exploded, well actually only Ledgers 6 booted up but I thought I'd spice this story up a bit. Well I read the article on DArk Suckers in Mag 6 and thought " why not " ( you have to say that like Barry norman) Well I thought I would put down my own little bit of complete waffle on How the Brain works, or in some cases how the brain doesn't work. This is my opinion anyway!!!!! Well the brain works by a series of electrical impulses, a bit like a computer really, well how the folk does the brain store information. What's his name who wrote Sherlock Holmes reconed that the brain worked like an atic and when you have filled it up things just get thrown out. I don't think this is realistic coz it would mean that you could forget basic things like how to go to toilet and it would be a bit imbarasing. My opinion is that the brain is like a computer disk, the problem is the more you put on the more squeezed the disk becomes, this would explain a lot of things, for instance how come people who study and do lots of work allways go senile ? Also the brain must have it's own decompacting routs as some are very slow as it takes quite a lot of time to remember things that happened a long time ago. Also you can never remember things that you are suppose to know, this happens a lot in exams, you spend too much time revising for them and the brain just turns to jelly coz it has too much information to cope with at one time, this means that in the exam you can't remember the answers to the question till you get out of the exam room!!!! If you had spent less time revising and only revised important things the brain would be able to recall the facts almost instantly. Also you must have heard that Einstein only used a tenth of his brain in his whole lifetime!!!!! Now say every body only uses about 6% of their brain in one lifetime what the folk is the rest used for ? My theory is that the human race used to be allmighty and powerfull with using it's entire brain that some aliens got a bit fed up of it and used their stupidity machine to turn us all into half witted imbeciles. Either that or actually all our brains are linked together by some telepathic means ( we don't know this of course ) and the 90% is actually working on some giant computer program !!!!!! Well that's enough philosophical stuff for one smelly article, now onto some interesting thing that happened at school. Well I got to school late ( as usuall ), it's a bit strange really as I am allways late to school but I probably live the closest. Strange that, that's another theory of mine " the more time you have, the more time you waste ", an example of this is when a teacher sets you a bit of A level stuff to do, he will either say " hand it in in a few weeks time " or " I want this on my desk tommorow morning ". In the first instance you will leave the essay for 3 weeks and then panic through it in a hurry and get it done the night before it has to be handed in. In the second instance you will get home and do the essay and hand it in the next morning. Well actually none of the above is true, you'll probably only start doing the essay a few weeks after the teacher set the deadline, only when he starts to pester you about why you haven't done it. Jeeesss I just can't stop waffling, anyway as I got to school I was directed to the main hall and found that all the computers had been filched from the computer room. The problem was that the school didn't have them insured !!!!!! What a bunch of twats the teachers are. How folking stupid can you get, I recon they must have been only using 2% of their tiny brains at that time. LOOSING THINGS. You must know what it's like, I don't know how many times this has happened to me. Picture the scene, you are sitting in front of your TV ( or monitor, if you're a rich bus-stop ), and you think, I know I think I'll finish that bit of GFX / CODE / MUSIC ( delete as appropriate ), and then you think " where is it ? " Then you look through all the disks on your desk and you can't bluedy well find it. Then you get out your 12 hundred capacity disk boxes and start to go through them. After an hour you are utterly pissed off and so you just watch some TV. How come the disk you want is the one that manages to get it's self stuck down behind the radiator ? If any one can answer this question then please write to me!!!!! Well this document is getting rather large now and I can't think of anything interesting to garble onto the wordprocessor with so I think I'll give this a break. I think I'll just get another sandwich and do the washing up (what a considerate person I am). Well Dan ( MAgz ) has just rung up and we got talking, he told me how Tim Hurman was a teensie weensie bit pissed off about what had been written about him on previous articles. Well Dan said a few things which I have to quote him on. " Tim even rings me up for instructions on how to load GENST. " " Tim came round my house the other day ( Dan you disgusting boy) with some code he did which displayed a degas picture ( wow ) without a bottom border which didn't work and I fixed it all and even put in pallete splits at every line and now he says he coded the whole thing " " I gave Sammie Joe sexual favours " Well enough of your disgusting acts of degradience Dan. Also I have been talking to people and they say that Powerman nicked some his code for State of the Art demo, of course I don't believe these rumours, he nicked the whole bluedy lot!!!!!!! Appartently according to MAtt of the untouchables he had just played kick off 2 with his brother. No that's not what I wanted to say, Matt of the untouchables said to me that the document displayer will not load all this jargon up, that's a bit of a bombma coz I was gonna write the worlds longest bit of waffly shote ever in the history of Disk Mags. The problem with this is that MAtt would have only been able to have this one article on the disk. Still maybe he'll get a different document displayer and you will have the pleasure of reading the whole bunch of badly put together sentences that lie on this page of crumbly text. RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES, RED TELEPHONES. Well anyway that was just to use up a few more Kilobytes of information to add on to this text to use up a bit more space. Well when I got Ledgers 6 I found the hidden article quite easily coz I am observant. Well the hidden articles were very strange if you haven't seen them. It had the whole of the karma sutra on it. Well after reading bits of it it seems like a right load of bolox to me, who made it up ? Some of the possitions it describes are just so stupid, heres something like what they go like: Grab her legs and throw them over your shoulders, stick you foot on her chest, she wraps her hand round your waste, you wind your leg two times round her thighs. This is called the boa constrictor. What a right load of crope. Anyway there was this other thing in the article about how to get a big todger, the discrption was about rubbing wasp stings into your tangley bits to make them swell up, then you have to sleep with your willy in a hole for 10 nights. Is this real ? Get serious, how many people would go round killing wasps so they can get the stings and put them down their trousers, it just makes you cringe thinking about it. On the article it said a man who rubs wasp stings into his willy will never become imputent, yeah sure but I bet having a piss is a bit painfull!!!!!!!!! Speaking of which something even worse than wasp stings on the todger, I was at a freinds house who I hadn't seen for ages and he told me about his brother who when they went to Turkey he had a piss in the sea, well he had pulled his trunks down to have a leak and when he pulled them back up he had 3 jelly fish clinging on to his dangley bits!!!!!!!!! bluedy hell that just brings tears to your eyes thinking about that. The modern day equivalent to wasp stings would probably be to attach your todger to the mains electricity supply. I'd be willing to be that you'd have no problem getting an errection by that method. This bit of waffly crope is now about 17K long. I will not do anymore as this is probably getting a little bit boring for you and me, it probably wont even be displayed as well with the dodgey text displayer. Anyway If you want to see another article like this then don't write to me, If I don't get any feed back then I will presume that you would like to see another article, the next one will be even larger coz I am gonna rub wasp stings on it!!!!!!!! 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Speaking of bombs, what about the IRA bombing all the london underground, I heard a funny story about two of them who were planting a bomb outside wollworths when it blew them up. The device was so power full that the police haven't been able to find their bodies and identify them, they found bits of one of the terrorists 10 stories up on top of a block of flats half a mile away from where the explosion took place!!!!!!!!! The police didn't have enough of the bodies to take away in a small plastic bag!!!!!!!!!! Anyway this text is at it's end ( this time for sure ) seeya round. Send all IRA bombs to : Tim Hurman 45 St Edward Road Billericay Essex E52 2HR ICE!IA}BDeT4VEPwA? AP@}Ɖ+@N$"`f8 a "ہ0+QpMYZ,8