`+9_p 2<`A2|`"Q"|@"&<#|1AY&`#|#i20#|2#i0vNuH`"?<B?<BgB/9?<(NNNuG|aJ@k|(*y BootgF(M,<1AY&(< NN&<NN$g&g"gTMn`*y:<]Q|4gn*yB*`I:<:Q*y2<BB]QDBB4*y;B| a$Rxv xvmBxvA@001@LNC" "4V"0<G 2Q&A0`PADS TXT }`?STOCK TXT `F PROTEXT CFG `0COMMAND HLP /`vDESKTOP INF `NWIDTHS PP "/STE_FIX PRG t OMEGADRIVTXT QDESCRIPTTXT 4REPSON PPD ]W:EPSON24 PPD =xhEPSON24APPD vhBASELET TXT `< DAVELET TXT o `\&LOT 1 `LATELET TXT M`b GARYLET TXT `e OP TXT ``i<FORM3 TXT =`o,DEAN TXT @ `qRULES BAK `tD MEMFORM BAK J`wC MEMFORM2TXT `zd MEMFORM TXT t`} RULES TXT u`D CALTEX TXT `FWEE CFG \`:CHRIS CFG `POEM b`ROMLABELTXT 8 ` UPGRADE TXT `hCHRISLETTXT b`3qLABEL TXT `VATSUBS TXT 6`MDONNA `STORY2 m`#MEMLIST TXT & CONFIG PRG kvv8JPROTEXT PRG }5ԧPROTEXT RSC WIDTHS TST a`vADDRESSES `STORY `STORY3 ` SONG a`TGREASE z`TEXT CFG `QUOTE TXT ` -1TEXT TXT `J2TEXT2 TXT :`WAMANDA CFG \`aLASER CFG G`LASERJETPPD `$ MR TXT O`'1PEOM1TXT `+POEM3TXT C`,.  .. STE_FIX PRG t `:` f`dJxfA`A P=f" hmBCzp f8QP`, P?f J9g##/|vByN"m y #f EgQ`R( yNJDESKTOP.INF&o k  Ј<.@// ?<?<JNAO aBg/<?<1NAJ/ / B@rC02 x$f*`0 _INFf2` _MCHf fpRPH$fJ@f2`p$x )g2`\o _INF!|PHBpЁ!@`: xC!` $HPH&IPI&& f"_INF#|PIB#|(&_$_NuA8NA NZ090g A#NH090D@HA pN0A+N&090gNAp!N#rNu?<NA/?< NA\ONu/ /??<NMPO @$_Nu/ /?<&NN\O$_NuDESKTOP.INF patch installedalready installedthis machine is not an STEthis STE ROM version does not need the patch ERROR: . mytrap1main_StkSizeerrno0Pterm0dmsgCconwsjstartt1savercookie_jvalidate:SetexcvSupexecMADMAClongframjmp_abs_NFopen=opcodeFO_filenFO_modeFread?FR_handlFR_countFR_bufstartupsuptrp gheadplstkchkfnckreadDdeskinftstb4gotopennoreadjreadbufsaveretmungeitvxmunggetbytnxbytgoteresendTpaStartTpaEndTextSegSTextSegS DataSegSDataSegSBssSegStBssSegSiDtaPtr PntPrcPt$Reserved(EnvStrPt,Reserved0CurDrv7Reserved8CmdLineBasePage> h""   <. `.. MICKGILLTXT `">SANDMAN TXT 4 `#_MEMORY TXT `)IROBINSONTXT ` >SCMIDT TXT ` FITALY TXT `*CYEOVIL TXT `-?ARY BAK <` \HAGAR TXT Q`TAKE BAK a`PHUGHES TXT r`cWAREADD TXT `ZMARTIN TXT `TAVIS BAK `;RAY TXT X`UANDMAN TXT `QRICHARD TXT `NGARY TXT =`mjTEVE BAK `SREENWOOBAK `MVECTOR TXT `rNOBES TXT &`oIEVER BAK 3`_ARC BAK A`GMIKEBALLTXT h`AgARKO BAK Z`CANDA BAK h` UPATWELLSTXT y`!ADOVEY TXT `"CRADLEY BAK `#G ATARI COMPUTING SUBS 73,BENTINCK DRIVE TROON AYRSHIRE KA10 6HZ 22 MARCH CRESENT CELLARDYKE ANSTRUTHER FIFE KY10 3AE 01333 312 867 Hi Donna I was very pleased to hear from you again it was a nice suprise the reason I took so long to write was I have been busy choosing my subjects for standerd grade at school.my hobbies are swimming,tennis and I enjoy playing basket ball at school.I am also madly in love with boy zone my favourite member is Ronan,Whos your favourite?.My boy friend is called Jamie he is from St Andrews so I only see him at the weekends it gives me time with my friends although I do miss him alot.I would love to come and see you one day or you could come and see me.I will also try and phone you one night,as you can see my telephone number is at the top of the page.I am trying Don`t Marry Her Think of you with pipe and slipper Think of her in bed Laying there just watching telly Think of me instead I`ll never grow so old and flabby That could never be Don`t marry her f--k me And your love light shines like cardboard But your work shoes are glisening She`s a ph.D "I told you so" You`ve a knighthood in "I`m not lisening" She`ll grab your sweaty bollocks Then slowly raise her knee Don`t marry her fk me And the Sunday sun shines down on San Franciso Bay And you relise you can`t mak CARL ROBINSON 36,GREEN LANE ASKERN DONCASTER DN6 OPX CHRIS SCHMIDT 29,ST GEORGES ST IPSWICH SUFFOLK IP1 3NF e it any way You have to wash the car Take the Kiddies to the park Don`t marry her f--K me Those lovly Sunday mornings With breakfast broght in bed Those black birds look like knitting needles Trying to peck head Those birds will peck yous sole out And through away the key Don`t marry her f--k me And the kitchens always tidy And the bathrooms always clean She`s a Diploma in "just hiding things" You`ve a first in "low esteem" When yous socks smell of angels But your life smells of brie Don`t marry her f--k me And the Sunday sun shines down on San Franciso Bay And you relise you can`t make it any way you have to wash the car Take the kiddies to the park Don`t marry her f--k me x2 Don`t Marry Her Think of you with pipe and slipper Think of her in bed Laying there just watching telly Think of me instead I`ll never grow so old and flabby That could never be Don`t marry her f--k me And your love light shines like cardboard But your work shoes are glisening She`s a ph.D "I told you so" You`ve a knighthood in "I`m not lisening" She`ll grab your sweaty bollocks Then slowly raise her knee Don`t marry her fk me And the Sunday sun shines down on San Franciso Bay And you relise you can`t make it any way You have to wash the car Take the Kiddies to the park Don`t marry her f--K me Those lovly Sunday mornings With breakfast broght in bed Those black birds look like knitting needles Trying to peck head Those birds will peck yous sole out And through away the key Don`t marry her f--k me And the kitchens always tidy And the bathrooms always clean She`s a Dip HAGARS ELECTRONICS 127,HIGH STREET SHEERNESS KENT ME12 1UD loma in "just hiding things" You`ve a first in "low esteem" When yous socks smell of angels But your life smells of brie Don`t marry her f--k me And the Sunday sun shines down on San Franciso Bay And you relise you can`t make it any way you have to wash the car Take the kiddies to the park Don`t marry her f--k me x2 KEN HUGHES 220,BROADLAND DRIVE LAWRENCE WESTON BRISTOL AVON BS11 0PN MARC CROSTHWAITE, 301 PROMENADE DEPT 12 S/S BLACKPOOL FY1 6AL Martin Wilson 32 Grass Royal Yeovil Somerset BA21 4JW to find a photo of myself to send you so I would like it if you could send me one of your self.My favourite subjects at school are English ,P.E and Art I also enjoy typing,My worst subjects are R.E,Frech,geography and modern studies,what are yous?Do you have any brothers or sisters?I have a younger brother Andrew who is 11 and a younger sister Sarah who is only 4 months old.Any way better go and get my tea,hope to hear from you soon. R.A.MASCORD 109,ST.ANDREWS ESTATE CULLOMPTON MID DEVON EX15 1JA EX15 1JA 5/3 2 5 7 24 30 39 36 8/3 1 7 10 19 23 40 9 11/3 8 12 17 20 32 39 36 15/3 17 22 23 30 34 41 5 18/3 12 15 19 29 34 37 11 22/3 1 6 8 13 20 42 29 25/3 12 13 29 30 34 39 22 29/3 4 15 18 22 28 38 41 2/4 9 11 18 20 21 39 29 5/4 1 3 12 13 19 37 44 9/4 3 18 19 23 27 31 25 12/4 4 22 24 34 36 39 25 16/4 1 8 17 18 33 40 2 19/4 14 15 16 27 37 41 31 RICHARD FARRELL 11,LINCOLN COURT DARLINGTON DI1 2XN Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Tony, Here we go with issue 6 of Kelstar. Like my new shell? This very nice man did it for me you know.No,seriously Tony,I can honestly say that it`s the first time I`ve gone to set up a new shell and got it to work first time.I`m really exceptionally pleased with it.I`m also going to use it for a new project that I`m hoping to launch.An ST club.I know it`s hardly a new idea but I get so much mail from people asking me to either put them in touch with others or asking for advice about certain programs etc,that I thought it`d be worth a go.The details are all in issue 6 so if you have time to take a squizz,you`ll see what the crack is. I went though a spell there where I thought about dumping the mag for the club but with some more thought I`ll try and do both.A lot of the people GREASE Guess mine is not the first heart broken My eyes are not the first to cry I`m not the first to know there`s just no getting over you Alone I`m just a fool who`s willing to sit around and wait for you But baby can`t you see there`s nothing else for me to do I`m hopelesly devoted to But now there`s no where to hide since you pushed my love a side I`m out of my head Hopelesly devoted to you My head is saying full forget him my heart is saying don`t let go Hold on to the end thats what I intend to do I`m hopelesly devoted to you But now there`s no where to hide since you pushed my love aside I`m out of my head hopelesly devoted to you Hopelesly Devoted to you X X * * X X X XXXXX X XX XXXXX X X XXXX * * * **************************************************************** A REGULAR LOOK AT SOME OF THE LIGHTER NEWS ITEMS Well,what`s been going on in the world lately.The Bosnians,the Serbs,the Croatians,the Jews,the Arabs,the Protestants,the Catholics,the Muslims,the Chinese,the Russians,the Chechenyans,the Indians,the Pakistanis and,well,just about everybody really has been blowing each other into a million wee bits.But there`s no fun in that,I prefer stories such as the Reverand Brain and his 9 `o` clock services.The so-called rave reverand decided that the best way to get young people interested in the church was for services to be held at night and for the young parishoner ladies to wear extremely short skirts and tight tops with no bras.Hey,sounds okay PAUL THOMPSON 3,WOODSIDE VIEW COWLERSLEY HUDDERSFIELD YORKSHIRE HD4 5UN MARK NOBES NEWHOLME ASTON ROAD CHIPPING CAMPDEN GLOUCESTERSHIRE GL55 6HR PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\A:\>-------!-------!-------!-------!-----R!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCARNORENG.DCTARNORE2.DCTUSER.DCTUSER.DCT2d,( worth a bomb these days. Sally Gunnell has been in the news fronting a new sports bra which is supposed to reduce breast bouncing by 21%.How can they tell on her?Personally I`d like to see a test with Anna Nicole Smith.Let`s see a bra reduce the jiggle on those cahoonies by 21% ,Hubba Hub  KEITH HUNNYBUN 30,ALBANY ROAD NEWPORT ISLE OF WIGHT PO30 5JA Proposed extension to 22,March Crescent,to form bedroom,hallway, and en suite shower room. External dimension of 5.5m by 4.2m, construction to be of cavity wall type with rock wool insulation.Wet dash harl to match existing.Double glazed 1m by 1.5m window,external hardwood door.Concrete floor with floormate insulation below.Flat, felt roof married to existing bay window.Fitted bedroom units,pine finishings and internal doors throughout,patio area,painting, drainage and electrical. ours revealed that he had been diving at 60 feet when he was attacked by a 6 foot long conger eel which entangled him in fishing line and dragged him about the bottom of the loch before he was able to draw his knife and cut himself free.Hmmmmmm,I think that he may have got his oxygen tank and his pethydene tanks mixed up. Former Eastenders actress,Letitia Dean,is to make a dramatic comeback in the BBC`s hit medical show Casualty.She will Proposed extension to 22,March Crescent,to form bedroom,hallway, and en suite shower room. External dimension of 5.5m by 4.2m, construction to be of cavity wall type with rock wool insulation.Wet dash harl to match existing.Double glazed 1m by 1.5m window,external hardwood door.Concrete floor with floormate insulation below.Flat, felt roof married to existing bay window.Fitted bedroom units,pine finishings and internal doors throughout,patio area,painting, drainage and electrical. One of my personal favourite news stories was the one about the lady teacher in the USA.Apparently she made a habit of giving oral sex to members of the school football team.This was alleged to have happened on over 500 occasions,and up to five times per day.Jeez,chewing gum is enough to give me a sore jaw.By the way,who told on her.If you were 15 or 16 and a young female teacher summoned you to her class to perform oral sex,would you complai PATRICK WELLS 23,RAVEN DRIVE WORCESTER WR5 3LR SION DOVEY TRECYRN FARM BLAENWAUN WHITLAND DYFED SA34 0HY her"Rachell did you like it in the corrider today bet it was fun""yeah it was actulally I was talking to Ryan we are really starting to become good friends"Amanda just walked away because she really liked Ryan. own Rachells nanny said "that sounds great I could bake a cake and write 7 on it""great Idea"said Rachells mum and so they started planning on what they were going to do.Rachell was at school as it was a Wedensday morning.The whole morning Rachells mum and her nanny were planing the party.At 12.15 Rachells mum had to go to work her mum works as a Speach Theripast so Rachell only sees her mum in the morning and at 8.00 before bed at weekens she only sees her mum at bed time so they miss each other,Rachells dad died when Rachell was only 1 year old so it is somme times very hard for her mum to cope.Its now 12.25 time for Mrs Brown to pick Rachell up from school as its only half day for children in primary 3."hiya"said Rachell running to the school gate showing Mrs Brown her picture of her HOLLIS TXT `%@GOOLD TXT `&MADDS TXT /`'F AULPICKBAK `3lBOD TXT `4fMILLER TXT `5DAVIS TXT x`6ITILL TXT `7cEDD TXT `8_PAULPICKTXT `9pJOHNLIZ TXT `mPANDA TXT y`;cLIEVER TXT `<mGREENWOOTXT 2`=YHUNNYBUNTXT `XNIGERL TXT A`B_BRADLEY TXT r`CUMAGGIE TXT `D_MARC TXT `EUITMAN BAK X`J]PAULDAV TXT `KGSTEVE TXT `LaBRIAN TXT `MZROBIN TXT R `TVHITMAN TXT `UaANGOVE TXT m`VWHIL BAK `WlPHIL TXT `XkJAKE TXT `n^EAN BAK g `rpDEAN TXT `stMARKO TXT `Q DAVE HOLLIS 43,SPENFIELD COURT LINGS NORTHAMPTON NN3 8LZ ALISDAIR GOOLD ROISDHEINN OVERTON CRESCENT JOHNSTONE PA5 SJD BILL ANGOVE 32,LOWER FIELD ROAD WESTMINSTER PARK CHESTER CH4 7QF BRIAN SHEPHERD 38,CALVERHALL STIRCHLEY TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF3 1YD KEITH HUNNYBUN 30,ALBANY ROAD NEWPORT ISLE OF WIGHT PO30 5JA CARL ROBINSON 36,GREEN LANE ASKERN DONCASTER DN6 OPX CHRIS SCHMIDT 29,ST GEORGES ST IPSWICH SUFFOLK IP1 3NF DAVE TILL 86,HUNTINGDON GARDENS COLLEY LANE HALESOWEN WEST MIDLANDS B63 2TU EDD, FIRS THYME 10,LAUREL BANK DERBY LANE DERBY DE23 8UE GARY SIMMONS 34,EARLSWOOD GARDENS CLAYHALL ILFORD ESSEX IG5 ODF HAGARS ELECTRONICS 127,HIGH STREET SHEERNESS KENT ME12 1UD JAKE NICHOLLS 26,ALDERSBROOK AVENUE ENFIELD MIDDX EN1 3JE KEN HUGHES 220,BROADLAND DRIVE LAWRENCE WESTON BRISTOL AVON BS11 0PN MARC CROSTHWAITE, 301 PROMENADE DEPT 12 S/S BLACKPOOL FY1 6AL Martin Wison 32 Grass Royal Yeovil Somerset BA21 4JW PAUL DAVIS 14,GRACE CLOSE MOTTINGHAM LONDON SE9 4JE PAZ 2,NOKE COMMON PARKHURST ISLE OF WIGHT PO30 5TY R.A.MASCORD RIVERSIDE GOLD STREET TIVERTON MID DEVON EX16 6QB RICHARD FARRELL 11,LINCOLN COURT DARLINGTON DI1 2XN PHIL McPHARLANE 66,WALTON GRANGE STAFFORD ROAD WALTON STONE STAFFS ST15 OET STEVE J TAYLOR 1 BLEACHFIELD HOUSE MOUNT VERNON THURSO CAITHNESS KW14 8QW TONY GREENWOOD 29,PAXTON STREET ACCRINGTON LANCASHIRE BB5 1QQ PAUL THOMPSON 3,WOODSIDE VIEW COWLERSLEY HUDDERSFIELD YORKSHIRE HD4 5UN MARK NOBES NEWHOLME ASTON ROAD CHIPPING CAMPDEN GLOUCESTERSHIRE GL55 6HR CHRIS LIEVER 46 EAST AVE DONNINGTON TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF2 8BT MARC CROSTHWAITE, 301 PROMENADE DEPT 12 S/S BLACKPOOL FY1 6AL JIM MILLER 10,SPRINGHEAD ROAD ERITH KENT DA8 2BE MARKO LATVENEN AITTOKUJA 33 A 46810 ANJALANKOSKI FINLAND JOHN NICHOLLS 42,MARLENE CROFT CHELMSLEY WOOD SOLIHULL WEST MIDLANDS B37 7JW PATRICK WELLS 23,RAVEN DRIVE WORCESTER WR5 3LR SION DOVEY TRECYRN FARM BLAENWAUN WHITLAND DYFED SA34 0HY MARK BRADLEY 15,SHADEPARK GARDENS DALKIETH MIDLOTHIAN EH22 IBX DAVE HOLLIS 43,SPENFIELD COURT LINGS NORTHAMPTON NN3 8LZ Alisdair Goold, Roisdheinn, Overton Crescent, Johnstone, PA5 8JD PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C <  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\ROTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\LQ1000>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCARNORENG.DCTUSER.DCTUSER.DCT2d,(` ;AONa;@P0-Pg`a a Epa 2-Pa v;@R?<NNTAaHy!NNX+@0Npappa 6r(f <r4<AagRE-pJa /Ewpa r"_ta+A(p(fNp(fNp(fN <r4<Aa0gPEpDa (/Epa r"_taB+A - UH@wra - TH@wra4-f.EpFa /E}pa r"_ta+A N`a\vptravptravptravptraNuvptrazvptranvptrabvptraVNuvptraHvptra2::(   F..26"8@"PQ1!P1P!0PP`0  q#p"AӘQNuA Nu|^|  R^,T:Hz(` N8Hz ?<&NN\Nu9IgNuWINuaaaNuNuNuNuQfHR$n2Jjg$_NuH LNuPfJ.fg0HR$n2Jjf$_NuHC/*%I $n2%_LNuHAHBHCHDHEHFHG-HfAD-HH@-@H|p`rAD-@f-H `r6 @`0.bHNupNuBp'rta8 n2rt6(SC0(S@apaB\papava0pa _a4$FAFp_@[000][vx`* [g" ]g |g QSx` xQSrQ][vx`* [g" ]g |g QSx` xQStQ]BAF0-H,=@p4a2HNupLADaHTBnBL*Hd"aZHd"aRHd"aJHd"aBHdF n Dg"`.2.JWAARA0.L n.g hfRAS@f=AB"aNug//ANu@k AB00HNuX@g .NuAD Nuz`zA6C|IdXC |2:H<0`$6HpA2`A.p` A>`A*p4. g=BNup`rap`QNupaNu4pa2Nu$pa"Nup2(g"P@g2RADAH""n"r2gZAe2 1@#-I"Nu1@NuAt2<XJX[j]`p`Va."n"dp`DpaNu?pa2Nu/pa"NuH n&$n""Hgr k&@ S`g^ k#&@0+Hd3 Hd3 Hd# Hd# # Hd# # # # Hd`# ALH# ALHQ&f-I"LNuat ."NuaJAfCNu"X2ebP6gHRC(D#HNu=A|aAJ09JRyJH@@-HtBe2QB p#`?<%NNTNu"pEJȽzgPJ`LJg&B.C`a8aD*9Jfap-I,=|p4aHz*9Jg ENp9J`v _a &nO:NMzIK$$<Nu[1][Error +111][Return]E" g g>Jf`Ar Hjr-D@Hd0H@H 0H@0CNuAF"H [1][fSEfNuV Monitor Magic Monitor Magic | by David Becker| GEnie mail to D.Becker8Green|Default|Amber Monitor Magic | by David Becker|GEnie mail to D.Becker8Default|Invert | Monitor Magic | by David Becker|GEnie mail to D.Becker8 60"H| t((@P>*PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C A  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\OTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\EPSON24>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCUSER.DCT2d,( Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE  EDD, FIRS THYME 10,LAUREL BANK DERBY LANE DERBY DE23 8UE  CHRIS LIEVER 46 EAST AVE DONNINGTON TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF2 8BT  JOHN NICHOLLS 42,MARLENE CROFT CHELMSLEY WOOD SOLIHULL WEST MIDLANDS B37 7JW  BRIAN SHEPHERD 38,CALVERHALL STIRCHLEY TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF3 1YD y out those tests in the Pacific so that they can maintain their own nuclear weapons.Why,at the first hint of trouble they`d all drop everything and piss off in the opposite direction anyway.My late uncle who served in France always used to say that a French tank had 5 gears.4 of them were reverse and the forward one was incase anybody attacked them from behind. This may not have been in the English papers,but a man who answered his door at 2am and shot dead the guy who was calling on him,gave an excuse worthy of being admonished.When asked why he had shot the man,he said." I thought he was someone else ".W  " BOD " 54,GOODMAN WAY TANYARD FARM TILE HILL VILLAGE COVENTRY WARKS CV4 9UG  JIM MILLER 10,SPRINGHEAD ROAD ERITH KENT DA8 2BE  PAUL DAVIS 14,GRACE CLOSE MOTTINGHAM LONDON SE9 4JE  DAVE TILL 86,HUNTINGDON GARDENS COLLEY LANE HALESOWEN WEST MIDLANDS B63 2TU  EDD, FIRS THYME 10,LAUREL BANK DERBY LANE DERBY DE23 8UE  PAUL PICKERING 24,LEITH GARDENS TANFIELD LEA STANLEY Co DURHAM DH9 9LZ PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C P  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\OTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\EPSON24>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE  JOHN NICHOLLS 42,MARLENE CROFT CHELMSLEY WOOD SOLIHULL WEST MIDLANDS B37 7JW  CHRIS LIEVER 46 EAST AVE DONNINGTON TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF2 8BT  TONY GREENWOOD 29,PAXTON STREET ACCRINGTON LANCASHIRE BB5 1QQ Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Paul, Thanks for the disks,all working well. I`ve copied up the disks that you wanted and could I ask for EDD, FIRS THYME 10,LAUREL BANK DERBY LANE DERBY DE23 8UE " BOD " 54,GOODMAN WAY TANYARD FARM TILE HILL VILLAGE COVENTRY WARKS CV4 9UG BRIAN SHEPHERD 38,CALVERHALL STIRCHLEY TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF3 1YD KEN HUGHES 220,BROADLAND DRIVE LAWRENCE WESTON BRISTOL AVON BS11 0PN JAKE NICHOLLS 26,ALDERSBROOK AVENUE ENFIELD MIDDX EN1 3JE CHRIS LIEVER ( CALPD ) 46 EAST AVE DONNINGTON TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF2 8BT MARKO LATVENEN AITTOKUJA 33 A 46810 ANJALANKOSKI FINLAND R.A.MASCORD RIVERSIDE GOLD STREET TIVERTON MID DEVON EX16 6QB BILL ELLIS 8,NEWGRANGE PARK PITTENWEEM FIFE KY10 2QT KEITH HUNNYBUN ( BUN PD ) 30,ALBANY ROAD NEWPORT ISLE OF WIGHT PO30 5JA STEVE J TAYLOR 1 BLEACHFIELD HOUSE MOUNT VERNON THURSO CAITHNESS KW14 8QW DAVE TILL 86,HUNTINGDON GARDENS COLLEY LANE HALESOWEN WEST MIDLANDS B63 2TU GARY SIMMONS ( ASCIILUM PDL ) 34,EARLSWOOD GARDENS CLAYHALL ILFORD ESSEX IG5 ODF JIM MILLER 10,SPRINGHEAD ROAD ERITH KENT DA8 2BE MARC CROSTHWAITE, ( WAREZINE ) 301 PROMENADE DEPT 12 S/S BLACKPOOL FY1 6AL ALISDAIR GOOLD ( STAG USER GROUP ) ROISDHEINN OVERTON CRESCENT JOHNSTONE PA5 SJD CARL ROBINSON 36,GREEN LANE ASKERN DONCASTER DN6 OPX CHRIS SCHMIDT ( SOUND DISKZINE ) 29,ST GEORGES ST IPSWICH SUFFOLK IP1 3NF  MIKE BALL 5,IVY YARD CHURCH STREET WHITBY N.YORKS YO22 4AF  NIGEL HARRIS 1,VARDON ST BIRKENHEAD MERSEYSIDE L41 4JT  MARK BRADLEY 15,SHADEPARK GARDENS DALKIETH MIDLOTHIAN EH22 IBX Chris Holland (CiH) Maggie GHQ 26 Robinson Road Rushden Northants NN10 0EH  MARC CROSTHWAITE, 301 PROMENADE DEPT 12 S/S BLACKPOOL FY1 6AL Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Paul, I only just got round to reading your stuff today,(sunday),as I`ve had the computer boxed away for a couple of weeks.We had the living room cleared for re-decorating and then both my father and then my mother were taken into hospital,so with all the visiting going on there wasn`t time to get on with the decorating and therefore it took almost a fortnight to get everything done. You know,I hadn`t noticed that the stuff that Edd sent in was the same as the stuff you`d already done.Trouble is,no bugger else noticed either so I`m wondering if anyone is out there at all. To be honest,I`m not sure what to do about the diskmag.At the start it was only something that I did for a short while every issue,but now it seems to take up all of my time.I get around 50 letters an issue either with contributions or just chat,and I seem to spend all of my time either answering letters or installing stuff in the shell.I haven`t been able to get any new PD or do any art stuff or whatever for ages.I`ve had a good bit of work on and also a couple of hardware problems,so this has meant that all of my ST time has been spent on the mag and that wasn`t really what I had in mind when I started it. Add to this my old `uns not being too well and Marion due the baby in a month or so and things aren`t likely to change in the near future. The ST is meant to be a hobby and not something that I feel I have to do. I will definately do a December issue but then I may just pop one out when I feel like it,this`ll let me get some time on the ST doing things other than the magazine.If I feel like writing something I can do it and just tuck it away on a disk somewhere and when it amounts to an issue I`ll bring it out.I haven`t decided yet,I`ll probably make up my mind before I bring out issue 6. How are things in the deep south then mate,everybody doing okay?Did you go along to the London Atari show?As far as I can make out by what people are saying there were about 300 people there which I didn`t think was an awful lot.I also noticed in Micro Mart that second user 486`s are now creeping under 400,so I guess there may be a connection there.There are also an awful lot of ST adverts about too so I guess things are not too great for the future.The new Atari glossy mag seemed more like a computer nerds magazine rather than a general one,they rabbited on about very expensive software and add ons,well out of my league.If I had a spare couple of hundred I`d put it towards a PC.I got a letter from a new Scottish ST user group and was fairly interested until they asked for 18 for a years membership which gets you a bi-monthly 4 page newsletter and a quarterly disk of PD.Bit of a rip-off I thought. Well Paul,that`s it again.Thanks for the stuff,all very much appreciated,I`ll let you know what I decide for the future of Kelstar when I make my mind up.Take care,and I`ll hear from you again soon. Day 1,bed in all edgings,take down front garden wall to upfill entrance area.Begin upfill of hardcore. Day 2,Fill and whack upfill,start off sand screed and blocklaying. Day 3,Continue monoblocks. Day 4,Fill in cuts,(Half day) e airport was crippled and Premier Lester Bird went on the news to say that no-one should visit the island or "they will get blown off",Hugh Grant`s on the next plane. Danni Minogue got her kit off in the Sun the other day.Don`t we have enough tits from Aussie soaps in the papers already. Shirley Maclean is on about reincarnation again,apparently her daughter is her sister and her mother,dozy bitch.Mind you Frank Sinatra believes that animals are brought back as people,he even recorded a song about his own past life as a dog,For I Have Been A Rover. Pamela Anderson is learning martial arts so that she looks convincing in the fight scenes i  PAUL DAVIS 14,GRACE CLOSE MOTTINGHAM LONDON SE9 4JE  STEVE J TAYLOR 1 BLEACHFIELD HOUSE MOUNT VERNON THURSO CAITHNESS KW14 8QW  BRIAN SHEPHERD 38,CALVERHALL STIRCHLEY TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF3 1YD #a000000 #b000000 #c7770007000600070055200505552220770557075055507703111103 #d #E D9 02 #W 00 00 0A 01 21 17 08 A:\*.*@ #W 00 00 0D 08 2A 0B 00 @ #W 00 00 0E 09 2A 0B 00 @ #W 00 00 0F 0A 2A 0B 00 @ #M 00 00 00 FF A FLOPPY DISK@ @ #M 00 01 00 FF B FLOPPY DISK@ @ #T 00 03 02 FF TRASH@ @ #F FF 04 @ *.*@ #D FF 01 @ *.*@ #G 03 FF *.APP@ @ #G 03 FF *.PRG@ @ #F 03 04 *.TOS@ @ #P 03 04 *.TTP@ @ `:` f`dJxfA`A P=f" hmBCzp f8QP`, P?f J9g##/|vByN"m y #f EgQ`R( yNJDESKTOP.INF&o k  Ј<.@// ?<?<JNAO aBg/<?<1NAJ/ / B@rC02 x$f*`0 _INFf2` _MCHf fpRPH$fJ@f2`p$x )g2`\o _INF!|PHBpЁ!@`: xC!` $HPH&IPI&& f"_INF#|PIB#|(&_$_NuA8NA NZ090g A#NH090D@HA pN0A+N&090gNAp!N#rNu?<NA/?< NA\ONu/ /??<NMPO @$_Nu/ /?<&NN\O$_NuDESKTOP.INF patch installedalready installedthis machine is not an STEthis STE ROM version does not need the patch ERROR: . mytrap1main_StkSizeerrno0Pterm0dmsgCconwsjstartt1savercookie_jvalidate:SetexcvSupexecMADMAClongframjmp_abs_NFopen=opcodeFO_filenFO_modeFread?FR_handlFR_countFR_bufstartupsuptrp gheadplstkchkfnckreadDdeskinftstb4gotopennoreadjreadbufsaveretmungeitvxmunggetbytnxbytgoteresendTpaStartTpaEndTextSegSTextSegS DataSegSDataSegSBssSegStBssSegSiDtaPtr PntPrcPt$Reserved(EnvStrPt,Reserved0CurDrv7Reserved8CmdLineBasePage> h""   < ANDY`S MEGA DRIVE GAMES 1.SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2.SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2 3.SUPER THUNDER BLADE 4.MYSTIC DEFENDER 5.THE REVENGE OF SHINOBI 6.ALISIA DRAGOON 7.GYNOUG 8.ALTERED BEAST 9.GHOULS AND GHOSTS 10.PAPER BOY 11.MARBLE MADNESS 12.STREETS OF RAGE 13.STRIDER Take Sonic through 6 levels of mazes to a final confrontation with Doctor Robotnic in his lair. Sonic and his friend Tails take on either Robotnic or each other in this one or two player game. Take control of the helicopter "Thunderblade" to defeat the renegade guerillas that are attempting to conquer the world. You are Yamato,incredible warrior and possessor of magic.You must reach Azuchi Castle and save the beautiful Alexandria. You are Musashi,master ninja.You must travel through ten different levels to overcome the armies of Neo Zeed. Baldour,the very essence of evil is wakening.You and your three dragons must do battle with his forces before he awakens. You are Wor the winged battle master.You must move through seven levels,increasing your weapons on the way to save your planet. You have been summoned by Zeus.You must infiltrate the underworld,but you have the power to transform into mythical creatures. You are searching for the Holy Grail in a never ending battle with evil forces. You must avoid all of the hazards of suburbia to deliver your newspapers.Watch out for all of the obstacles that hinder you. Three levels of skill,six levels of raceways.Guide your marble through all of these to reach your goal. Choose to be one of three police officers to be sent into the city which has been overrun by criminals.One or two players. Hiryu must use his plasma sword to battle his way through jungles, enemy warships,snow-capped mountains to the final confrontation. You must guide the Lemmings through one hundred and eighty levels to stop them from killing themselves. The Kingpin has planted a bomb in the city,Spiderman must search for it fighting against all of his evil hoardes.  ROBIN CLARK 29,ILCHESTER ROAD WEYMOUTH DORSET DT4 OAW  CHRIS 1,PORTWAY HILL ROWLEY REGIS WARLEY WEST MIDLANDS B65 9DE  BILL ANGOVE 32,LOWER FIELD ROAD WESTMINSTER PARK CHESTER CH4 7QF Day 1,Take out found for retaining wall,bed in edgings. Day 2,Bed in remaining edgings,Upfill ramp to rear. Day 3,Blind ramp,upfill hardcore area. Day 4,Start off blocks at front. Day 5,Complete front area,start off blocks on ramp. Day 6,Lay out blocks on ramp. Day 7,Cuts and finishing off. er and better uplift bra.We`ve had the Wonderbra and the Ultrabra,now the Ultrabra Perfection.Apparently it increases the cleavage by 18%,lovely.Mind you I think that to suit a Wonderbra you`ve kinda got to have something there in the first place.If you`d like to see how a support bra should not be worn,try watching Coronation Street and have a look at Raquel the barmaid.If her little gazongas get shoved any closer together she`ll end up with one tit right in the middle of her chest. The government is considering heaving any soldiers that are found to be taking drugs out of the army,why?I  PHIL McFARLANE 66,WALTON GRANGE STAFFORD ROAD WALTON STONE STAFFS ST15 OET who write to me with articles tend to send them one at a time. They write 4 or 5 articles and send them in each week.This is fine for the mag but it ends up that I write maybe 20 letters a week,(when I`m not behind),and then I have no time to do other things with the ST. What I`ve suggested in this issue is that if people want to keep getting the mag done then they`ll have to put up with a communal thank you in each issue and not a personal letter every time they send something in.I guess I`ll know by the amount of stuff I get for issue 7 whether this`ll work or not. I also get a lot of newcomers to the ST writing to me,I guess it`s probably because they see the mag and reckon that I may not be as difficult to approach as some of the more "serious" of the ST users. You might be surprised to know the amount of guys,mostly 30 and above, that have bought a second hand ST to use soley as a cheap and cheerful hobby item.The new club thing will be aimed at them and also PD collectors and swappers.If I even get 20 people keen to join,say each with even 100 disks,then that`ll mean that the club catalogue of potential swappy disks could be 2000 or more.I`ll also get them to send in pictures that they`ve done and have intros and slideshows composed of their work.When we get enough collected we can release a disk of pictures under the club name as a PD slideshow disk,each picture though with the individuals name on it.I`ll give every member a "page" on the new shell to list their swappy software and also have messages to others or whatever they want.I think it could turn out quite well.It`ll also be completely free which is always a good thing to attract members.Actually the idea came to me when I was asked if I`d like to join a Scottish user group for ST`ers.I was keen enough until I saw that they wanted 19 a year for membership.A wee bit dear I thought. Anyway Tony,I thought I`d just drop you a copy in appreciation of you doing my shell for me.I`d just like to thank you once more and say,well,merry Christmas.Bye for now. Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Dave, Excellently brilliant to hear from you again. Here we go with issue 6 of Kelstar. Like my new shell? Your favourite Stosser shelly thing. This very nice man did it for me you know.No,seriously Dave,I can honestly say that it`s the first time I`ve gone to set up a new shell and got it to work first time.I`m really exceptionally pleased with it.I`m also going to use it for a new project that I`m hoping to launch.An ST club.I know it`s hardly a new idea but I get so much mail from people asking me to either put them in touch with others or asking for advice about certain programs etc,that I thought it`d be worth a go.The details are all in issue 6 so if you have time to take a squizz,you`ll see what the crack is. I went though a spell there where I thought about dumping the mag for the club but with some more thought I`ll try and do both.A lot of the people who write to me with articles tend to send them one at a time. They write 4 or 5 articles and send them in each week.This is fine for the mag but it ends up that I write maybe 20 letters a week,(when I`m not behind),and then I have no time to do other things with the ST. What I`ve suggested in this issue is that if people want to keep getting the mag done then they`ll have to put up with a communal thank you in each issue and not a personal letter every time they send something in.I guess I`ll know by the amount of stuff I get for issue 7 whether this`ll work or not. I also get a lot of newcomers to the ST writing to me,I guess it`s probably because they see the mag and reckon that I may not be as difficult to approach as some of the more "serious" of the ST users. You might be surprised to know the amount of guys,mostly 30 and above, that have bought a second hand ST to use soley as a cheap and cheerful hobby item.The new club thing will be aimed at them and also PD collectors and swappers.If I even get 20 people keen to join,say each with even 100 disks,then that`ll mean that the club catalogue of potential swappy disks could be 2000 or more.I`ll also get them to send in pictures that they`ve done and have intros and slideshows composed of their work.When we get enough collected we can release a disk of pictures under the club name as a PD slideshow disk,each picture though with the individuals name on it.I`ll give every member a "page" on the new shell to list their swappy software and also have messages to others or whatever they want.I think it could turn out quite well.It`ll also be completely free which is always a good thing to attract members.Actually the idea came to me when I was asked if I`d like to join a Scottish user group for ST`ers.I was keen enough until I saw that they wanted 19 a year for membership.A wee bit dear I thought. Anyway,back to shell stuff.As I`ve said I`m going to use the new Stosser type shell for the club thing,but I`m still keen to try new ones for the diskmag.If all works out okay as far as having more time to use the ST away from letters,I`m still going to try your own shell and also the new Dens shell too for the mag.I just haven`t had any time lately as both my parents have been in hospital for the last 5 weeks and I`ve been doing 120 mile round trips every night to visit them.In fact I already told a few people that I wasn`t going to do any more Kelstar at all but have obviously changed my mind since then. It`s quite possible by now that you may have been told this. The Little Byte Bunny guy seems a bit strange right enough.When he first contacted me I asked him if he knew you and although he said he did,he didn`t expand on it.He sends me a few things for the mag,but only ever writes about 2 lines."Hello Bob,here is something for the mag.Yes I know Dave. Jim." Thanks hugely for the offer of the Competition.That is a very,very good prize you`re putting up there Dave,I`m sure that we`ll get a lot of interest in it.I`ll collect all of the letters that I get with the answer and then I`ll send them all lock,stock and banana to you about a week or two before issue 7 comes out. I can certainly furnish you with a copy of the issue with the other intro on it but not the very first one though,no copies of it were kept for long.It used ST Zine and contained stuff that I`d done for Stellar and Power and original stuff,but I doubt if anyone kept it around. PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C A  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\OTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\FX1000>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi There, Unfortunately time has been tighter than a haddocks butt cheeks this last month,so I am forced to do this "dear reader" letter to put in with all of the copies of the mag.For this I apologise,but I`d like to urge all or any of my regular contacts who I`ve been unable to get to over the piece to hang on in there,I shall be writing some more letters later on this week and if I am due you some disks I`ll include them then.This is just to save me some time,hope you don`t mind.The main problem has been the amount of letters that I usually write, sometimes 20 a week.With family illness playing a big part,and also a new baby,I`ve had to restrict ST time to editing the mag only.However I have come up with something new for you in the New Year,a new Kelstar ST club.I shall be devoting lots of time to this in the future. I also get a lot of newcomers to the ST writing to me,I guess it`s probably because they see the mag and reckon that I may not be as difficult to approach as some of the more "serious" of the ST users. You might be surprised to know the amount of guys,mostly 30 and above, that have bought a second hand ST to use soley as a cheap and cheerful hobby item.The new club thing will be aimed at them and also PD collectors and swappers.If I even get 20 people keen to join,say each with even 100 disks,then that`ll mean that the club catalogue of potential swappy disks could be 2000 or more.I`ll also get them to send in pictures that they`ve done and have intros and slideshows composed of their work.When we get enough collected we can release a disk of pictures under the club name as a PD slideshow disk,each picture though with the individuals name on it.I`ll give every member a "page" on the new shell to list their swappy software and also have messages to others or whatever they want.I think it could turn out quite well.It`ll also be completely free which is always a good thing to attract members.Actually the idea came to me when I was asked if I`d like to join a Scottish user group for ST`ers.I was keen enough until I saw that they wanted 19 a year for membership.A wee bit dear I thought. Anyway,that`s you all up to date on where I`ve been lately.My regular contacts can either wait for me to get to them or just drop me a line anyway and remind me where we`re up to as to who`s turn to do what.Any comments on the club would also be welcome. Apologies especially to Paul Davis,Ed Smith,Dave Till,Brian Shepherd, Marko Latvinen and the rest.Hope you understand,bye for now. Bob Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Gary, I know,Iknow,don`t ask. To say that the trouble I had with the last issue is nowt to the problems this time.Remember I mentioned that my old ma was ill.Well it turned out to be much more serious than we thought and she ended up having to have both legs amputated below the knee.As she is 76 you can understand how ill she has been and still is for that matter.She had it done last tuesday and although she`s recovering much better than we expected she has a while to go in the hospital still,and she`s already been in six weeks.It`s a 120 mile round trip to the hospital by the time I go and pick up my sister and my wife also had the new baby on Dec 6th,so it`s been fairly busy you could say.I tried to give you a phone a couple of times but couldn`t get hold of you.The reason I`m writing is obviously for the mag and the new club info,and also to give you the names of this month`s contributors,I just hope I`m in time.Apart from everything I decided to keep on with the mag too and even have a new shell. I can honestly say that it`s the first time I`ve gone to set up a new shell and got it to work first time.I`m really exceptionally pleased with it.I`m also going to use it for a new project that I`m hoping to launch.An ST club.I know it`s hardly a new idea but I get so much mail from people asking me to either put them in touch with others or asking for advice about certain programs etc,that I thought it`d be worth a go.The details are all in issue 6 so if you have time to take a squizz,you`ll see what the crack is. What I`ve suggested in this issue is that if people want to keep getting the mag done then they`ll have to put up with a communal thank you in each issue and not a personal letter every time they send something in.I guess I`ll know by the amount of stuff I get for issue 7 whether this`ll work or not. I get a lot of newcomers to the ST writing to me,I guess it`s probably because they see the mag and reckon that I may not be as difficult to approach as some of the more "serious" of the ST users. You might be surprised to know the amount of guys,mostly 30 and above, that have bought a second hand ST to use soley as a cheap and cheerful hobby item.The new club thing will be aimed at them and also PD collectors and swappers.If I even get 20 people keen to join,say each with even 100 disks,then that`ll mean that the club catalogue of potential swappy disks could be 2000 or more.I`ll also get them to send in pictures that they`ve done and have intros and slideshows composed of their work.When we get enough collected we can release a disk of pictures under the club name as a PD slideshow disk,each picture though with the individuals name on it.I`ll give every member a "page" on the new shell to list their swappy software and also have messages to others or whatever they want.I think it could turn out quite well.It`ll also be completely free which is always a good thing to attract members.Actually the idea came to me when I was asked if I`d like to join a Scottish user group for ST`ers.I was keen enough until I saw that they wanted 19 a year for membership.A wee bit dear I thought. Right Gary,that`s you all filled in.Here come the contributors. Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Steve, Firstly,more apologies about the delays.I didn`t want to put the whole story in the mag letter,as I`d rather just mention to my contacts the full story.As I told you before my mum has been very ill.This was due to hardening of the arteries,and she went through a double vascular bypass operation about 5 or 6 weeks ago.This resulted in her having over 700 stitches in her legs which of course was a terrible thing for her,at her age especially.Unfortunately this op didn`t work and she ended up worse than before.The only other solution was for both of her legs to be amputated,which she was adamant that she would not have done and so she came home.After only a week or so though her G.P. told her and the family that if she did not have the double amputation done immediately,she would not see Christmas because of the infection in her feet.Of course my dad was distraught as were myself and my brother and sisters.We all had a talk to her and tried to persuade her to get the op done.The strange thing was I think what eventually convinced her to go through with it were my kids and my nieces and nephews who all pleaded with her to "get better".Also my wife was due our baby any day at that time and so she relented and went in and had the operation.Thankfully it went very well and after 10 days she has been moved to the limb fitting centre for rest and physio and the fitting of her new limbs.Immediately after the op she was in terrible pain,but now that a couple of weeks have passed and all the kids have been to see her,she is now coming on brilliantly and is determined to make as full a recovery as possible and get back home,hopefully in a few weeks.She might not be all that mobile when she does come home but at least the pain that she has had for a few years will be gone and as her health otherwise is fine,hopefully she`ll be here for a good few more Christmases. As you can imagine Steve,this has been an extremely traumatic and emotional few weeks and the ST stuff has been well and truly pushed into the background.Hopefully now though everything will get back to normal pretty soon and I`m starting by getting all my mail up to date, I hope that you can see that I`ve had good reason to be neglecting my letter writing. Now,where were we.As you`ll know by now I`m starting a club for ST users and anything that you`d like to mention regarding that would be most welcome.I`m also keeping on the mag and as usual anything that you`d like to contribute would likewise be most welcome.I`m keen to make the club as appealling as possible so every suggestion or offer of help will be very much appreciated.A few people have mentioned the idea of a newsletter which is a good idea,but I don`t really get much in the way of news to put in it.If you are interested in joining the club I`d be on the lookout for any snippets of news or gossip that we could use to make up a monthly newsletter.Any other ideas that you can think of I`ll definately be interested. I`m in the process of making up membership forms to send out and I shall drift one your way as soon as they`re ready.I can`t find your last letter but I did get that disk re-copied for you.If I`m due you any more just tell me,I`m a bit lost with who`s to do what to who. I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know the full story.I`ll look forward to hearing from you again mate,bye for now.  GARY SIMMONS 34,EARLSWOOD GARDENS CLAYHALL ILFORD ESSEX IG5 ODF  JAKE NICHOLLS 26,ALDERSBROOK AVENUE ENFIELD MIDDX EN1 3JE KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ......... Dean Chadwick 138 Townfields road Westhoughton Bolton, Lancashire ,England, BL5 2NT interests.This will be done mainly through a club disk which will be updated as often as is possible,i.e. depending on how often members send in their updates.If space becomes a problem then we`ll just go to two disks or three or whatever. The club disk will use a diskmag type shell which has been written by Tony Greenwood of Stosser Software,and will consist of pages of information,each allowing 15 seperate entries or headings.Each member will be able to take one of these pages and put on it whatever they want,probably software lists,hardware wants,stuff for sale,messages, news,anything at all really. In addition there will be regular pages too with info,sales,wants, messages,etc for members who do not want their own page either at all or until they get their pages organised and sent to me. With clubs,sometimes you tend to wonder if you a DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCUSER.DCT2d,(round to the front for a kiss ) What an uproar in Scotland with Gazza being reported for on- field violent conduct.The day after that match,a junior match was halted because a guy was sent off after fighting with another player,fighting with the ref,fighting with the crowd and possesing a flick knife.Now that`s violent  Dean Chadwick 138 Townfields road Westhoughton Bolton Lancashire BL5 2NT ed that would discuss and impliment any changes that were suggested by members and I would be all in favour of this as we will be collectively responsible for the direction and success of the club.If you`d like to be more involved with the club then just get in touch with me. At any time if any of the members have any suggestions or criticisms to make then they will be most welcome.Paticipation is the key to the whole thing. Basically that`s it for the moment.The next thing now is just to see how many people are interested,see what they`ve got to say,and take it from there. Thank you for contacting the Kelstar ST Club. Bob Kell  KELSTAR ST CLUB GENERAL INFORMATION SHEET  The main aim of the club is to put ST users in touch with others with similar interests.This will be done mainly through a club disk which will be updated as often as is possible,i.e. depending on how often members send in their updates.If space becomes a problem then we`ll just go to two disks or three or whatever. The club disk will use a diskmag type shell which has been written by Tony Greenwood of Stosser Software,and will consist of pages of information,each allowing 15 seperate entries or headings.Each member will be able to take one of these pages and put on it whatever they want,probably software lists,hardware wants,stuff for sale,messages, news,anything at all really. In addition there will be regular pages too with info,sales,wants, messages,etc for members who do not want their own page either at all or until they get their pages organised and sent to me. With clubs,sometimes you tend to wonder if you are maybe the only one who is involved,therefore I would intend to always have a list of members and their addresses in every club disk so that we can all see who is involved.If you wish to with hold your real name but would like to use an AKA or nickname,then this is okay,but of course your address will have to appear. Several people have already mentioned that a news letter would be a good idea.I am in favour of this in principle but would struggle to compile this on my own.If anyone would like to offer help in this direction,then I would be most welcoming. Likewise if any member would like to compile any other disk or letter regarding the club,they would be most welcome.All that I`d ask is that you inform me before you release anything under the club name. In time I would like to think that the club would be able to release some disks into the public domain.These could either be art slideshows,tutorial disks,home produced games or programs,or whatever the members can come up with. Whenever we get a core of members,it may be that a better product would arise if a committee were formed that would discuss and impliment any changes that were suggested by members and I would be all in favour of this as we will be collectively responsible for the direction and success of the club.If you`d like to be more involved with the club then just get in touch with me. At any time if any of the members have any suggestions or criticisms to make then they will be most welcome.Paticipation is the key to the whole thing. Basically that`s it for the moment.The next thing now is just to see how many people are interested,see what they`ve got to say,and take it from there. Thank you for contacting the Kelstar ST Club. Bob Kell     KELSTAR ST CLUB    MEMBERSHIP FORM   NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... All you`ve got to do now is to send me this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... All you`ve got to do now is to send me this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE      KELSTAR ST CLUB    MEMBERSHIP FORM   NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address.............................................................. SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straightecho off doc ps startup into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY >ex echo on >if sys_date[w-1] < "1990" >ex date >ex time >el >dm Date and Time OK >ei TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. KELSTAR ST CLUB,22,MARCH CRESCENT,CELLARDYKE,FIFE,KY10 3AE KELSTAR ST CLUB MEMBERSHIP FORM NAME.................................................................. ADDRESS............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... POSTCODE.............................................................. ANY NICKNAME YOU`D WISH TO BE LISTED AS INSTEAD OF YOUR FULL NAME.......................................... AS A MEMBER YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL OTHER MEMBERS IN THE CLUB DISK....................... WOULD YOU LIKE A "PAGE" IN THE CLUB DISK,AND IF SO WOULD YOU UNDERTAKE TO SEND ME A DISK WITH YOUR SWAPS/MESSAGES/HARDWARE/WANTS/ETC,IN ASCII FORMAT AT REASONABLE INTERVALS,(MONTHLY OR SO),SO THAT THE DISK CAN BE UPDATED AS OFTEN AS IS POSSIBLE....................................... THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES IN RESPECT OF THIS CLUB,BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MUST SEND ME A DISK OR DISKS AND STAMP WHEN YOU REQUIRE AN UPDATE,AND A STAMP WHENEVER YOU WRITE TO ME ON CLUB BUSINESS.......... MAIN ST INTERESTS..................................................... DO YOU FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS ON YOUR FAVOURED ST SUBJECT THAT LESS EXPERIENCED USERS MAY NEED HELP WITH.THIS WOULD LIKELY TAKE THE FORM OF A Q`AND A`PAGE ON THE CLUB DISK.................................................................. CURRENT SET-UP........................................................ ...................................................................... MAIN REASON FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE KELSTAR ST CLUB................... ...................................................................... ...................................................................... SIGNED................................................................ All you`ve got to do now is to send this form to the club address and you will be allocated a membership number.If you want to get straight into things and send me a disk with your entries for your page,then please feel free.Remember that you have 15 seperate headings to play with.If you want to include lists of disks to swap,please seperate them into sections,art,music,utils,etc,but the rest just do what you want.Rememeber you don`t have to use the 15 entries if you don`t want to,just send the ascii files to me on disk at the Kelstar address. useful on occasions. For now, press CTRL-W again to switch Word wrap back on. The only time that you have to press the RETURN key is when you reach the end of a paragraph. Pressing RETURN has the effect of ending the paragraph and moving the cursor down to the next line. If you are in insert mode, which is normal, a new line will be inserted into the document and the cursor will move onto it. If you are in overwrite  KELSTAR ST CLUB GENERAL INFORMATION SHEET  The main aim of the club is to put ST users in touch with others with similar interests.This will be done mainly through a club disk which will be updated as often as is possible,i.e. depending on how often members send in their updates.If space becomes a problem then we`ll just go to two disks or three or whatever. The club disk will use a diskmag type shell which has been written by Tony Greenwood of Stosser Software,and will consist of pages of information,each allowing 15 seperate entries or headings.Each member will be able to take one of these pages and put on it whatever they want,probably software lists,hardware wants,stuff for sale,messages, news,anything at all really. In addition there will be regular pages too with info,sales,wants, messages,etc for members who do not want their own page either at all or until they get their pages organised and sent to me. With clubs,sometimes you tend to wonder if you are maybe the only one who is involved,therefore I would intend to always have a list of members and their addresses in every club disk so that we can all see who is involved.If you wish to withhold your real name but would like to use an AKA or nickname,then this is okay,but of course your address will have to appear. Several people have already mentioned that a news letter would be a good idea.I am in favour of this in principle but would struggle to compile this on my own.If anyone would like to offer help in this direction,then I would be most welcoming. Likewise if any member would like to compile any other disk or letter regarding the club,they would be most welcome.All that I`d ask is that you inform me before you release anything under the club name. In time I would like to think that the club would be able to release some disks into the public domain.These could either be art slideshows,tutorial disks,home produced games or programs,or whatever the members can come up with. Whenever we get a core of members,it may be that a better product would arise if a committee were formed that would discuss and impliment any changes that were suggested by members and I would be all in favour of this as we will be collectively responsible for the direction and success of the club.If you`d like to be more involved with the club then just get in touch with me. At any time if any of the members have any suggestions or criticisms to make then they will be most welcome.Paticipation is the key to the whole thing. Basically that`s it for the moment.The next thing now is just to see how many people are interested,see what they`ve got to say,and take it from there. Thank you for contacting the Kelstar ST Club. Bob Kellt of a word. If you position the cursor on the first letter of a word and then press SHIFT-DELETE, you will find the complete word disappears. Similarly if you position the curso  MARKO LATVENEN AITTOKUJA 33 A 46810 ANJALANKOSKI FINLAND ord will disappear. In both cases the gap will be closed up by the remaining text moving across to the left to fill the space. To delete the last part of a word, position the cursor on the first letter you want to be deleted and use SHIFT-DELETE. To delete the first part of a word, position the cursor on the first letter you want to remain and press SHIFT- BACKSPACE. As you have probably noticed by now, PROTEXT follows a general principle (though for practical reasons this is not 100% true) that using a command on its own, such as the cursor keys and the DELETE keys has a small effect on what happens, whilst using it with SHIFT has a slightly greater effect, so it will probably come as no surprise to find that PROTEXT has commands which will also delete part or all of a line. CTRL-E and CTRL-BACKSPACE have the effe Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? Bob Kell 22,March Crescent Cellardyke Fife KY10 3AE Hi Chris, Just thought I`d drop you a few lines with a copy of the new club membership form.I know that you won`t be able to list your library stuff as swaps because they`ll be too much of it,but I wondered if you`d like a page anyway so that you can advertise your library and also bung in some other chatty stuff,messages or whatever.I`m not sure exactly what form the whole thing will take but I`m getting a good bit of interest about it. I was along at Bill Ellis`s today and he told me that he`d done a bit of a piccy for you.He`s done a few for me in the past too and he`s getting better at it all the time.Don`t be shy if you want him to do anything else either,he`s always looking for an avenue to show off his intro making capabilities,and I think it`s good too for people who can`t program to see what results they can get by just using the programs in their collection. Now that Asciilum PD has ceased,it might be a good idea for you to instigate something along the lines of the Dolly Mixture Section that Gary had for people to contribute something to.It was something that I very much enjoyed doing for him and also it got a lot of people interested.Just a thought. Right Chris,more forms to post.I just thought you`d maybe want to join up as Chris Liever instead of CALPD,stay a user as well as a committed PDL owner.Hope you think it`s a good idea anyway,and I look forward to your ideas or suggestions. Bob P.S. Any more giveaways at your car plant? PAZ TXT 4`HWSROBIN TXT `oNEWELL TXT y `O  PAZ 2,NOKE COMMON PARKHURST ISLE OF WIGHT PO30 5TY insertion or deletion of areas of text, or by altering rulers after text has been entered. Automatic formatting is controlled by a number of things, the first of which are 'Rulers'. You have already seen a number of rulers in the tutorials. There is one immediately after the 'PRESS ESC KEY' message above. A ruler is a special line that marks out the margins and tabs. Margins are the left and right hand limits of the text, whilst tabs are markers used to position text in set columns on the screen and are particularly useful for lining up columns of words or numbers. Tabs work in a very similar fashion to those of a typewriter, but in a much more flexible fashion. You will notice that at the top of screen, just under the Status lines, there is another ruler. This is the 'active ruler' and at all times is the one applicable to the line of text that the curso DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCUSER.DCT2d,(the screen when you first load PROTEXT. Try moving the cursor up and down past the following two ruler lines, watching the 'active' ruler line. >---L----!------!------------------------R This is just to provide an example of the effect of moving the cursor past ruler lines. >---!---------!--------------- JOHN WELLER & LIZ ROUDIANI FLAT 1,28 VICTORIA ROAD BOURNEMOUTH DORSET BH1 4RR ler displayed at the top of the screen, beneath the status lines. Each '!' on the ruler marks a tab position and the 'L' and 'R' indicate the left and right margins. You can create new ruler lines to suit the layout you require by typing the new ruler line as you would a line of text. The line must have a 'greater than' symbol (>) in the first column. You do not need to type in the hyphens (-) along the line and unless you wish to inset the left margin, which is described later, you should not enter the 'L'. By default PROTEXT assumes the first column to be the left margin. Simply type in the '!' wherever you want a tab and the point '.' wherever you want a decimal tab. Try creating a new ruler line just above the last ruler and then type in a few lines of text. You will find that the text will wrap round automaticall W S ROBINSON FLAT TWO CHURCH SIDE UNION ROAD SHEFFIELD S11 9EJ ---------------------------R There are two further commands connected with rulers. The first, CTRL-D, copies the 'default document ruler' (the first active ruler in a document) to the current cursor position and CTRL-R copies the previous ruler but one to the current cursor position. CTRL-R is particularly useful when you are working with areas of the text which are in different formats. as it allows you to quickly 'restore' the ruler in use prior to the last change of format. The ruler immediately below this paragraph was copied using CTRL-R. If you wished to create another inset paragraph a few lines further down, the CTRL-R command would copy the above ruler down, to repeat the process. >---!---------!------------------------------------------------------R Often, when creating a new ruler, it is convenienPROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C P  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\OTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\EPSON24>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCUSER.DCT2d,(ert mode afterwards. The main use of tabs is for aligning text or numbers in columns, and PROTEXT allows you to set tabs at any positions in the line (and as many as you like). The normal tab is also used to inset the start of a paragraph and when used in conjunction with RETURN can provide a very quick means of splitting  ANIMALS IN THE WINTER When the ground is frozen and the snow is falling deep the animals in the wild are falling fast asleep. They collect there food in summer to last the whole year round they hide it in the trees or sometimes under ground. The animals sleep in burrows or sometimes in a nest so that us humans cant annoy them and become a terrible pest. When they awake in spring they go searching for there food,they hunt the trees and undre ground and say ah that tastes good. BY AMANDA KELL AGE 13 ne up. CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT F2 8BT TF2 8BT ing the ruler line and using CTRL-F to reformat the paragraph. If you have tabulated text by inserting tab characters, altering the position of the tab markers on the ruler line will result in the tabulated columns being re-formatted to their new positions immediately, making it is easy to move columns about or experiment with different layouts to decide which is best. Try moving the decimal tabs around on the following piece of tabulated text. >- DAVE NEWELL 39,IRONBRIDGE ROAD MADELEY TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF75JU R  CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD  THE UPGRADE SHOP 37,CROSSALL STREET MACCLESFIELD CHESHIRE SK11 6QF 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue AMANDA KELL`S SHORT STORY "It is Rachells birthday on Saturday"said Rachells mum "I was thinking about letting her have a party would you like to help organise it"Mrs Brown Rachells nanny said "that sounds great I could bake a cake and write 7 on it""great Idea"said Rachells mum and so they started planning on what they were going to do.Rachell was at school as it was a Wedensday morning.The whole morning Rachells mum and her nanny were planing the party.At 12.15 Rachells mum had to go to work her mum works as a Speach Theripast so Rachell only sees her mum in the morning and at 8.00 before bed at weekens she only sees her mum at bed time so they miss each other,Rachells dad died when Rachell was only 1 year old so it is somme times very hard for her mum to cope.Its now 12.25 time for Mrs Brown to pick Rachell up from school as its only half day for children in primary 3."hiya"said Rachell running to the school gate showing Mrs Brown her picture of her MEMBERSHIP LIST MEMBER SPECIAL INTERESTS 001 BOB KELL ART 22,MARCH CRESCENT DISKMAG ARTICLES CELLARDYKE INTRO MAKERS FIFE KY10 3AE 002 BILL ELLIS 8 NEWGRANGE PARK PITTENWEEM FIFE 003 ROBIN CLARK MIDI AND REPLAY 16 SAMPLING 29,ILCHESTER ROAD WEYMOUTH DORSET DT4 0AW 004 BILL ANGOVE GAMES 32,LOWER FIELD ROAD GRAPHICS WESTMINSTER PARK CHESTER CH4 7QF 005 FANTOMCAT ART 24,LEITH GARDENS DTP TANFIELD LEA PROGRAMMING STANLEY CO DURHAM DH9 9LZ 006 PHIL McFARLANE NEWCOMER LOOKING TO LEARN 66,WALTON GRANGE STAFFORD ROAD WALTON STONE STAFFS ST 15 0ET 007 ED ADVENTURE GAMING "PRIVATE SOFTWARE" DTP 10,LAUREL BANK DERBY LANEPROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C A  .@ARNORENG.QIKA:\OTEXT\A:\ROTEXT\GQ3500>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILE DOCTXTASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRCUSER.DCT2d,(nd removed at any time by PROTEXT, whereas hard spaces are a permanent part of the document. To see this in use, press CTRL-V S and the hard spaces are shown as shaded spaces, with the soft spaces remaining blank. That brings us to the end of the supplied tutorial files which have given you a brief demonstratio>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!--------------R  CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford SUNDRY TEXTDISC$FILE$FILENAMESNAMESPRINTING PRINT BACKGROUND#BACK#MACROS'EXECFILES'EXTERNAL8+PROGRAM8+DICTIONARY-DCT-QIKO1USER2UWF2DRIVER,5PPD,5CLEAR7DOC7PROG7EXT;LOAD<L<MERGE.=M.=NAME=N=PRINTF>PF>PRINTFB?PFB?*PRINT^@SAVEA@SA@SAVEABASABASAVEASASAVEBCSBCSPLITZCSPLZCSPOOL@DSPON@DSPOOLOFFDSPOFFDSWAP-ESW-ETYPEzETzEPRINTEPEPRINTBFPBFPRINTP>GPP>GPRINTPQGPPQGPRINTPS]HPPS]HPRINTSHPSHPRINTSB|JPSB|JPRINTQJPQJPRINTQBrKPQBrKABANDONKABKPARALLELsLPARsLPRINTER"MPR"MSERIALNSERNPRINTONNPRONNPRINTOFFFOPROFFFOTYPEWRITEROTWOA'PBQPC{PDPEPCATPDIRPCHDIRhSCDhSMKDIRTMDTRMDIR.URD.UERASEUDELUACCESSVACCVPROTECT/WPROT/WRENAMEXRENXCOPYXUPDATEXUP_ZFINDZREPLACEZFINDB^FB^REPLACEB}_RB}_Fv`Rv`FIX`FIXB`FORMATaFTaFORMATB(bFTB(bNUMBERvbNUMvbNUMBERBcNUMBcTABdANAGRAMeANeBUILDIfBUIfCOUNTDgCODgDELWORDShDWhFINDWhFWhINSWORDSiIWiJOINDCjJDCjLISTDkLDkLOOKUPlLKlMAKEDmMKDmSPELLmSCmCODE)pEXECpXpLMACROSQsLMQsMACROsKEYsCALCvCAvCOUNTaxCTaxCOUNTBxCTBxGOTOyHELPyHyLOADCFGszLCFGszPAUSEzQUITX{QX{STATUS{STAT{CONFIG|CONVERTA~CVA~LIFEARNORPROTEXTƀPATHHTEMPATH BUGSփBUGփMENUSSMENUSBLOCKS,BLOCK,CONT0CO0STOPzSTzCLEARKEYSCLRKLOADKEYS}LDK}SAVEKEYSSVKFF,ECHOrSYMBOLSYMDATE0TIME0INKTOUCHDESKTOPACC``SUNDRY`` SUNDRY : Miscellaneous command mode commands For further details on any command, type HELP followed by the command name, either from command mode or the menu option 'Help on named subject'. This gives the syntax of the command and, in brackets, the abbreviated form of the command if any. In many cases, examples and additional information are given as well. STATUS : lists useful settings in current configuration file. LOADCFG : loads a new configuration file. CONFIG : allows changes to current or other configuration file. TIME & DATE sets system time & date. INK changes the colours. Alternatively use CONTROL.ACC. CONFIG determines how colours are used. SYMBOL : changes the appearance of a character on screen. SPOOL : echo all command mode screen output to a file. Turn off with SPOOLOFF. PRINTON : echo all command mode screen output to printer. Turn off with PRINTOFF QUIT : ends the Protext run. CALC : calculates simple expressions. HELP : gives information on specified subjects - e.g: EXTERN, BLOCK, TEXT, FILE, NAMES, PRINT, BACKGROUND, MACROS, DCT, QIK, UWF, PPD and commands `TEXT`` TEXT : Text handling from command mode. For further details on any command, type HELP followed by the command name, either from command mode or the menu option 'Help on named subject'. SWAP : switches between the two documents in memory. CLEAR : clears the text from memory. FORMAT : re-formats entire text according to rulers and justification on/off. FIX : fixes text, so that it cannot be further re-formatted. COUNT : counts the words in the text. GOTO : enters edit mode with cursor on specified row, page or column. FIND : searches for any string (any sequence of letters or symbols). REPLACE : replaces any string by another. PROG : selects program editing/printing mode. DOC restores document mode. TAB : sets tab positions in PROG mode. NUMBER : numbers lines of text, or removes numbers. Other HELP subjects: FILE, PRINT, BLOCK, SPELL, FIND `DISC`FILE` LOAD : retrieves a document from disc ready for editing. MERGE : merges the text from a file into the current document. SAVE : stores the edited document in a disc file. SAVEA : creates an ASCII file. (works as a PRINT command). CONVERT: converts text files to and from other programs and computers. SPLIT : splits a large text file into smaller ones. TYPE : types the contents of a file to screen. CAT : lists the files in the current or another directory. DIR : alternative to CAT. CHDIR : changes the current directory. A, B, C, D or E change current drive. MKDIR : creates a new directory. RMDIR : removes a directory if it is empty. ERASE : erases file(s) in a directory on disc. PROTECT: protect file(s) from being erased/overwritten. Cancelled with ACCESS. RENAME : renames a file on disc. (NAME assigns a file name to text in memory). COPY : copies file(s) regardless of date & time. UPDATE copies new files only. TOUCH : 'touches' a file so that its date stamp is set to current date & time. Other HELP subjects: NAMES, BLOCK, DCT, MACROS, PRINT, SUNDRY, SPELL `FILENAMES`NAMES` When entering a file name to a command, a drive and/or directory can be specified as well, if required. This applies to all commands. The filename extension can in most cases be left out, when entering file names for commands which only operate on files of a certain type. For instance it is sufficient to type 'PRINTER epson' to load the printer driver EPSON.PPD, since printer drivers always end with '.PPD' anyway. There is no standard extension to distinguish text files, but with the command EXT (or CONFIG) a default extension can be defined that will be used when text is loaded (with LOAD and MERGE). Some commands can handle so called 'ambiguous file names', i.e. names containing 'wildcards'. A question mark (?) stands for a character that could be anything - except a full stop - or nothing. An asterisk (*) is equivalent to any number of '?'. E.g: PROT test?? protects all files named 'test' + up to two more characters. DEL *.* erases all files in the current directory. `PRINTING`PRINT` PRINT : Protext print commands PRINT : prints the whole text, PRINTB prints the marked block. PRINTQ : prints in Near Letter Quality. PRINTP : prints selected pages. ( PRINTPQ = PRINTP + PRINTQ ). STOP : stops background printing. CONT resumes it again. ABANDON : aborts printing (on certain printers immediately). TYPEWRITER : allows the computer to be used as a typewriter. FF : causes the printer to feed to the top of the next page. PRINTS : displays the text on the screen as it would be printed. PRINTF : prints to a file, that later can be 'dumped' to printer. SAVEA : prints to an ASCII file. SERIAL : selects a serial printer, PARALLEL selects a parallel printer. PRINTER : loads a printer driver. Also try 'HELP BACKGROUND', 'HELP BLOCK', 'HELP PPD', 'HELP P' `BACKGROUND`BACK` BACKGROUND : Background printing When printing, Protext sends the output not directly to the printer, but to a buffer in memory. From there it is passed on to the printer as fast as the printer can print it. Without the need to wait for the printer, Protext can quickly work through the text, and after that make itself available for editing or other tasks. The so called 'background printing' that will be going on in the background can be controlled with various commands: With STOP it can be (temporarily) stopped. With CONT it can be resumed. ABANDON erases the buffer, and in addition causes certain printers to immediately abandon the printing. (The printer has to be able to recognize and give priority to a special abort command which can make it erase its own built in buffer). With BACK OFF (or CONFIG) the background printing can be turned off. It is turned on again with BACK ON. `MACROS`EXECFILES` Commands for EXEC FILES and MACROS EXEC : executes a file of commands. EXECS : executes a string of commands given with EXECS. ECHO OFF : turns off echoing to screen of commands in an executed exec file. PAUSE : pauses execution until key is pressed. LMACROS : lists defined macros. SAVEKEYS : saves macros. LOADKEYS : loads macros. CLEARKEYS : erases user defined macros and restores the default ones. CLEARKEYS N: erases all macros. MACRO (KEY): allows definitions of macros. CODE : displays the function/character codes that each key produces. Escape characters: | in exec files ^ in macros Escape characters are used around numbers that are to be interpreted as codes. E.g. ^766^FIND^13^ - causes the program to enter command mode, then to type the letters 'FIND', and last perform a carriage return. `EXTERNAL`PROGRAM` EXTERNAL : external commands and programs from within Protext Programs can be run from within Protext if there is enough free memory. Simply type the program name as if it were a Protext command. If the program name clashes with a real Protext command, it can be prefixed with an asterisk (*) to make clear it is not the Protext command that is intended. Two of Protext's own commands - CONFIG and CONVERT - are in fact separate programs, and can also be run as such. Desktop accessories can be accessed by moving the pointer to the top line and clicking the left mouse button. `DICTIONARY`DCT` SPELL : spell checks and allows correction of words not recognised. BUILD : spell checks but sends words not recognised to disc file. Spell checking is done against several dictionary files simultaneously, up to five of which - the DCT files - are dictionaries in a compressed format. LISTD : lists the words in a DCT file (optionally to a file). MAKED : makes a new DCT file from the words in a text file. INSWORDS : inserts words in text file into DCT file. DELWORDS : deletes words in text file from DCT file. JOIND : joins two DCT files together. COUNTD : counts the words in a DCT file. LOOKUP : searches in a DCT file for all words similar to the one specified. FINDW : searches for all words matching a specified pattern. ANAGRAM : searches for all words containing certain specified letters. CONFIG is used to specify which DCT files are to be used. (Other HELP subjects: QIK, UWF) `QIK`` The quick dictionary, or QIK file, is an ordinary word file, in which the words have to be placed in alphabetical order for the the dictionary to work. It is loaded into memory in its entirety, in contrast to the ordinary dictionary files (the DCT files) from which just an index is loaded, and which Protext then has to call from disc each time they are needed. Other HELP subjects: DCT, UWF `USER`UWF` The user dictionary or update dictionary is the DCT file to which words stored with the 'S' key during a spell checking pass will be added. Before they are added to this file though, they will be put in a 'temporary' file: the UWF file (User Word File), which has the same name as the user dictionary but with the extension '.UWF'. It is an ordinary editable word file, and so mistakes can in most cases be corrected without resorting to the special dictionary commands. User dictionary can be changed with CONFIG. Other HELP subjects: DCT, QIK `DRIVER`PPD` All output sent by Protext to a printer is done according to rules set up in a printer driver (PPD file). Which printer driver is currently loaded is always displayed on the banner line. With the command PRINTER a new printer driver can be loaded. With CONFIG a certain printer driver can be made the default driver. (optionally one each for every port on the computer if several printers have been connected). The PPD files can be edited as ordinary text files. Details on the the various instructions found in these files are given in the manual. Compare the commands PRINTER, PARALLEL and SERIAL. `CLEAR`` CLEAR. Clears the text from memory. Syntax: CLEAR `DOC`PROG` PROG. Selects program text editing and printing. The effect on printing is that stored commands will be printed instead of acted upon. The effect on editing is that formatting commands are disabled. Ruler lines are not active but, with TAB, tabs can be set as required. With the editing command SHIFT-CTRL-I, Auto indent can be selected. DOC. Selects document editing/printing. Syntax: PROG DOC When text is loaded, Protext will automatically select DOC or PROG mode according to the name extension of the loaded file. (e.g. the extensions .DOC and .TXT will invoke document mode, while .BAS .C - not to mention .PPD .KEY etc. - invoke program mode). Which extensions should be associated with which kind of file, is user selectable with the help of CONFIG. `EXT`` EXT. Determines default name extension for text files. When LOAD and MERGE searches for text files to load, they will begin trying to find the literal name they have been given. But should they not find a file with this name, and no filename extension was given, they will make a second try with the extension as given by EXT. Syntax: EXT Example: EXT DOC `LOAD`L` LOAD (L). Loads new file from disc for editing. Compare MERGE, EXT and SAVE. Syntax: LOAD `MERGE`M` MERGE (M). Merges file into the current text. Compare LOAD and EXT. Syntax: MERGE `NAME`N` NAME (N). Assigns a file name to current text. Compare SAVE and RENAME. Syntax: NAME `PRINTF`PF` PRINTF (PF). Prints to disc, including printer control codes. Resulting file can later be printed without help from Protext, with any program capable of 'dumping' the file to the printer. Syntax: PF () Examples: PF text1 ; prints current text to file 'text1' PF text1 text ; prints from file 'text' to file 'text1' Also available as Block version PRINTFB. `PRINTFB`PFB` PRINTFB (PFB). Prints block to disc, including printer control codes. Syntax: PFB Compare PF. `*PRINT`` *PRINT. MSDOS command to print a file. Compare PF. `SAVEA`SA` SAVEA (SA). Creates ASCII file. Works like a print command, with >ZM implicitly defined at the start. Syntax: SA () Compare CONVERT. Also available as block version SAVEAB. `SAVEAB`SAB` SAVEAB (SAB). Prints to disc as ASCII file. Compare SAVEA. Syntax: SAB `SAVE`S` SAVE (S). Saves current text onto disc in a file with specified name. If the file name is omitted the text is saved under original file name, or under name given with NAME. Syntax: S Compare LOAD & MERGE. Also available as block version SAVEB. `SAVEB`SB` SAVEB (SB). Saves block. Syntax: SB `SPLIT`SPL` SPLIT (SPL). Splits large file. Maximum size of the smaller files may be specified. The files will have the same name with extensions 1, 2, 3,.. Syntax: SPLIT () `SPOOL`SPON` SPOOL (SPON). Echoes all command mode screen messages to file. Turn off with SPOOLOFF. Syntax: SPOOL Compare PRINTON. `SPOOLOFF`SPOFF` SPOOLOFF (SPOFF). Turns off SPOOL. Syntax: SPOFF `SWAP`SW` SWAP (SW). Swaps between two documents in memory. Syntax: SW `TYPE`T` TYPE (T). Types the file to screen. Syntax: TYPE Compare PRINTS `PRINT`P` PRINT (P). Sends text to printer, optionally from disc. The number of copies may be specified. Syntax: P () () Also as block version PB. Printing to printer also with PQ, PP, PPQ To screen with PS, PPS. To file with PF, SA `PRINTB`PB` PRINTB (PB). Prints defined text block. Syntax: PB `PRINTP`PP` PRINTP (PP). Prints pages selectively, optionally from disc. Syntax: PP () () Compare PPQ and PPS `PRINTPQ`PPQ` PRINTPQ (PPQ). Prints pages selectively in NLQ, optionally from disc. Syntax: PPQ () () `PRINTPS`PPS` PRINTPS (PPS). Prints pages to screen selectively, optionally from disc. Syntax: PPS () `PRINTS`PS` PRINTS (PS). Prints to screen, optionally from disc. With ESC the printing is stopped, to be resumed when any other key is pressed. Repeated pressing of ESC aborts. CTRL-HELP is used to toggle a Scroll lock mode, so that printing automatically is stopped after each screen full. Syntax: PS () Block version : PSB Selected pages: PPS `PRINTSB`PSB` PRINTSB (PSB). Prints block to screen. Syntax: PSB `PRINTQ`PQ` PRINTQ (PQ). Prints in Near Letter Quality, optionally from disc. Syntax: PQ () () Block version: PQB Selected Pages: PPQ `PRINTQB`PQB` PRINTQB (PQB). Prints block in Near Letter Quality.. Syntax: PQB `ABANDON`AB` ABANDON (AB). Abandon printing. Empties print buffer and causes certain printers to empty their own buffer. Syntax: AB Compare STOP `PARALLEL`PAR` PARALLEL (PAR). Selects parallel (Centronics) port and loads associated printer driver if any. Syntax: PAR Compare SERIAL and PRINTER. `PRINTER`PR` PRINTER (PR). Loads printer driver. The driver is loaded from current directory or, if not found, from the default search path. Syntax: PR Compare PARALLEL and SERIAL. `SERIAL`SER` SERIAL (SER). Selects serial port and loads associated printer driver if any. Syntax: SER Compare PARALLEL and PRINTER. `PRINTON`PRON` PRINTON (PRON). Echoes all command mode screen output to printer. Turn off with PRINTOFF. Syntax: PRON Compare SPOOL. `PRINTOFF`PROFF` PRINTOFF (PROFF). Turns off PRINTON. Syntax: PROFF `TYPEWRITER`TW` TYPEWRITER (TW). Typewriter mode. If a number is specified the text is indented by that many spaces. Syntax: TW (number) `A`` A. Selects drive A. Syntax: A `B`` B. Selects drive B. Syntax: B `C`` C. Selects drive C. Syntax: C `D`` D. Selects drive D. Syntax: D `E`` E. Selects drive E. Syntax: E `CAT`DIR` CAT. Catalogues files in (current) directory and reports free space on disc. The sizes of files are shown in K. Files protected with PROTECT are shown with asterisks. Syntax: CAT (pathname) Examples: CAT ; current directory on current drive. CAT B:\ ; root directory on drive B. CAT \PROTEXT\*.PPD ; all printer drivers in PROTEXT directory. DIR. As CAT but with the following differences: The sizes of files are shown in bytes. The date and time when each file was last changed is shown. Syntax: DIR (pathname) `CHDIR`CD` CHDIR (CD). Changes current directory. Syntax: CD Examples: CD .. ; changes to parent directory above the current one. CD letter ; changes to directory 'LETTER' under the current one. CD \ok ; changes to directory 'OK' which is off the root directory. CD \ ; changes to the root directory. `MKDIR`MD` MKDIR (MD). Creates new directory. Compare RD. Syntax: MD (pathname) `RMDIR`RD` RMDIR (RD). Removes a directory if it not contains any files. Compare DEL & MD. Syntax: RD (pathname) `ERASE`DEL` ERASE (DEL). Erases file(s) from (current) directory. Syntax: DEL Examples: DEL letter ; erases file 'letter' in current directory. DEL \test\*.* ; erases all files in directory 'test' under root directory. `ACCESS`ACC` ACCESS (ACC). Cancels delete/overwrite protection set with PROTECT. Syntax: ACC `PROTECT`PROT` PROTECT (PROT). Protects file(s) from being deleted or overwritten by setting their status to read-only. Use ACCESS to cancel the protection. Syntax: PROT `RENAME`REN` RENAME (REN). Renames a file on disc. Compare NAME. Syntax: REN `COPY`UPDATE` COPY. Copies file(s) regardless of date. UPDATE (UP). Copies only file(s) newer than any like named files in target. Syntax: COPY () UP () Destination can be: \ ; destination file(s) will be named as originals omitted ; file(s) will be copied to the current directory Compare TOUCH. `UP`` UP is the abbreviated form of UPDATE. See 'HELP UPDATE'. `FIND`REPLACE` FIND (F). Searches for text. REPLACE (R). Searches for and replaces text. Syntax: FIND Syntax: R Options: A Automatic search. Then displays number found. G Global search. (Starts from beginning of text). B Backward search. C Case specific search. S Spaces ignored. Text found regardless of number of spaces in it. W Search for complete Words only. n Search for every nth occurrence (ignore first n-1). Escape SEQUENCE FINDS SEQUENCE FINDS sequences: !. hard return (end of paragraph) !! ! !- soft hyphen !? ? !_ non-break hyphen !' ' ! non-break space !" " !~ footnote marker !a printer code 'a' != spell ignore marker !10 ascii code 10 `FINDB`FB` FINDB (FB). Searches for text in marked block only. Otherwise as FIND. Search option G (Global) only implies searching the whole block, not the whole text. `REPLACEB`RB` REPLACEB (RB). Searches and replaces text in marked block only. Otherwise as REPLACE. Search option G (Global) only implies searching and replacing in the whole block, not in the whole text. `F`R` F and R are abbreviated forms of FIND and REPLACE respectively. See these! `FIX`FIXB` FIX. Removes tabs, soft spaces and soft returns, converting to hard spaces and hard returns. Syntax: FIX FIXB. As for FIX, but on marked block. Syntax: FIXB `FORMAT`FT` FORMAT (FT). Formats whole text according to rulers and justification on/off. Syntax: FT Also available as block version FTB. `FORMATB`FTB` FORMATB (FTB). Formats block. Compare FORMAT. Syntax: FTB `NUMBER`NUM` NUMBER (NUM). Numbers text lines, or removes line numbers from text. A to add numbers, R to remove numbers from text. Syntax: NUM A|R Examples: NUM A 10 10 ; numbers from 10 and increase by 10 per line: 10, 20, 30 ... NUM R ; remove numbers Also available as block version NUMB. `NUMBERB`NUMB` NUMBERB (NUMB). Numbers text lines (or removes line numbers ) within marked block only. Compare NUM. Syntax: NUMB A|R `TAB`` TAB. Sets tab positions for PROG mode. Syntax: TAB ( *) Examples: TAB 9,15,40 ; tabs at columns 9,15,40 TAB *4 ; tabs at columns 5,9,13,... `ANAGRAM`AN` ANAGRAM (AN). Searches for all words that contains specified characters regardless of their order. Syntax: AN () Compare FINDW. `BUILD`BU` BUILD (BU). Spell checks text file and writes all words not recognized to file. This word file can later - after any editing that might be required - be added to a dictionary file (or be used to make a new dictionary). Syntax: BUILD Compare SPELL, and MAKED & INSWORDS `COUNTD`COD` COUNTD (COD). Counts words in dictionary. Syntax: COUNTD () `DELWORDS`DW` DELWORDS (DW). Removes words in text file from dictionary. Compare INSWORDS. Syntax: DW `FINDW`FW` FINDW (FW). Searches for all words with given characters, in given order. ? - stands for any one character. * - stands for any number of any characters. Syntax: FW () Compare ANAGRAM. `INSWORDS`IW` INSWORDS (IW). Adds the words in text file to dictionary file. Syntax: IW Compare DELWORDS, MAKED. `JOIND`JD` JOIND (JD). Joins two dictionary files together. If no name for the output file is expressly given, the name of input dictionary no 2 will be used, and this file will be overwritten by the resulting file. Syntax: JD () `LISTD`LD` LISTD (LD). Lists dictionary file, optionally to a file. By first creating a dictionary file and then listing it to a file, an alphabetically sorted word file may be created. Compare MAKED. Syntax: LD `LOOKUP`LK` LOOKUP (LK). Searches for similarly spelled words. Syntax: LK () `MAKED`MKD` MAKED (MKD). Makes a dictionary file that contains all words in text file. Syntax: MKD `SPELL`SC` SPELL (SC). Two pass spell check of text, optionally of file on disc. For each word not recognized, SPELL will stop and await action: V - View the word in its context. C - View the word in its context and possibly change it. L - Look up word in dictionary and find similarly spelled words. I - Ignore the word (leave it without action). B - Back to previously ignored word. S - Store word in dictionary. Syntax: SPELL Also available in block version SPELLB. Spell checking can also be done from edit mode with CTRL-S, CTRL-Q and SHIFT-CTRL-S Try also HELP subjects DCT, QIK, UWF and BUILD `CODE`` CODE. Displays the code numbers returned by the key pressed. Syntax: CODE `EXEC`X` EXEC (X). Executes a file of commands. Just type the commands in edit mode (in a new and empty file) as you would in command mode, and press return every time you normally would have had to do so to make the program act. Then save the file (with SAVE). After this you can at any time and repeatedly execute it with EXEC. If you want the Exec file to be able to execute editing commands, you can use the 'escape character': | (This is not necessary for command mode commands). Example: |765||744| enters edit mode and erase the block. Syntax: EXEC Other HELP-subjects: EXEC, CODE, PAUSE, ECHO `LMACROS`LM` LMACROS (LM). Lists defined macros. Syntax: LM `MACRO`KEY` MACRO (KEY). Defines macro. (This can alternatively be done with CTRL-f1). Syntax: KEY ; assign phrase to ALT+letter or KEY S ; assign phrase to SHIFT+ALT+letter or KEY ; assign phrase to function key or KEY S ; assign phrase to SHIFT+function key or KEY A ; assign phrase to ALT+function key or KEY C ; assign phrase to CTRL+function key ^ is 'escape character' and is used around numbers to be interpreted as code and not characters to be printed. For instance ^13^ produces a carriage return. The KEY files that are saved with the command SAVEKEYS are actually lists of KEY commands, and can be edited as ordinary text files. Other HELP subjects: MACROS, CODE, LMACROS `CALC`CA` CALC (CA). Calculates the value of a simple numeric expression. + - * / and parentheses can be used. When the result has been displayed, it can be inserted into the text as an integer (by pressing the space bar) or with required number of decimal places (by pressing the appropriate number key). Syntax: CALC `COUNT`CT` COUNT (CT). Counts words in text. Syntax: COUNT Also available as block version COUNTB. `COUNTB`CTB` COUNTB (CTB). Counts words in marked block. Syntax: COUNTB `GOTO`` GOTO (G). Enters edit mode with cursor on given Page/Row/Column. Syntax: GOTO or GOTO P or GOTO C `HELP`H` HELP (H). Displays Help information. Syntax: HELP or HELP Help on editing keys is provided within the menus (see HELP MENU). `LOADCFG`LCFG` LOADCFG (LCFG). Loads configuration file (CFG file). Compare STATUS, CONFIG. Syntax: LCFG `PAUSE`` PAUSE. Pauses (optionally with message). For EXEC files. Syntax: PAUSE (message) `QUIT`Q` QUIT (Q). Quits Protext. Syntax: Q `STATUS`STAT` STATUS (STAT). Lists important settings in currently loaded configuration file. Syntax: STAT Compare LOADCFG and CONFIG. `CONFIG`` CONFIG (CFG). Menu driven configuration program. When you call this, it will automatically load the same configuration file that currently determines the various working parameters of Protext. If you make changes and then save this file under the same name, you will be able to observe these changes as soon as you return to Protext. Syntax: CFG Note: This is an external command, so the program must be available on disc. Compare STATUS and LCFG `CONVERT`CV` CONVERT (CV). File conversion program. Syntax: CV (outfile) ; converts input file according to conv-type. CV ? ; gives help info on conversion types. CV ; Calls CONVERT menu (simplest method of use). Note: This is an external command, so the program must be available on disc. Compare SAVEA. `LIFE`` Can't help you with that one! `ARNOR`` See "The Lord of the Rings" by J.R.R.Tolkien. Alternatively, write to: Arnor 611 Lincoln Road PETERBOROUGH PE1 3HA England Tel: +44 (733) 68909 Fax: +44 (733) 67299 `PROTEXT`` Almost everything you might wish to know is covered in the manual. For the latest information see the file 'README'. `PATH`` The 'path', or 'search path' specifies the directory in which Protext looks for auxiliary files and programs. Examples of files that Protext tries to find here are dictionaries, printer drivers, the help file, macro files, exec files and external utilities (CONFIG and CONVERT). It will normally refer to the directory called 'PROTEXT' - on drive B on a floppy disc system, or on the hard disc. The path can be changed using CONFIG. `TEMPATH`` The 'temporary file path' specifies the directory which Protext uses for storing parts of a file which is too large to fit into memory. The temporary path can be changed using CONFIG. `BUGS`BUG` If you think you have found a bug in Protext, please write to Arnor giving as full a description of what you were doing when it occurred. Please quote the Protext version as displayed on the banner line, and please also give details of your computer and operating system (e.g. Protext v4.30 on a 1040STE with 1Mb memory). Type 'HELP ARNOR' for the address. `MENUS`MENU` Menus are provided as an alternative to command mode. Commands can be selected from menus in two ways, either using the mouse or the keyboard. To use the menus with the mouse first click the right mouse button. This will cause the menu bar to be displayed. Then move the mouse pointer over the menu bar. As the pointer moves over each menu title that menu will be displayed. To select a menu option move the pointer over the required line of the menu, which will then be highlighted. Click the left mouse button to perform the operation. To use the menus with the keyboard first press the menu key (f3), use the left and right cursor keys to select a menu and then the up and down cursor keys to select a menu line. Press RETURN to perform the operation. Some menu items are shown fainter than the rest and do not become highlighted. These options are unavailable in the current context - for example block operations when no block is defined. Some menu items are marked with ''. This means that selected this causes another 'submenu' to be called up. The descriptions in the menus include the equivalent keyboard commands. In these '^' means press the CTRL key, 's' means SHIFT, 'a' means 'ALT'. `BLOCKS`BLOCK` Most of those commands that in various ways operate on the loaded text, are available as block versions as well, which only operate on the the section of text that has been marked with the block markers. There is no need to learn these specifically, since they all have the same name as the main command with just a 'B' appended. For example, COUNT counts all the words in the document. COUNTB just the words between the block markers. The following commands are available as block versions: SAVE, SAVEA, PRINTF, PRINTS, PRINT, PRINTQ, SPELL, FIND, REPLACE, FORMAT, FIX, COUNT, NUMBER. Block markers are set in edit mode by placing the cursor at the required position and pressing CTRL-Z or by 'clicking and dragging' the mouse. `CONT`CO` CONT. Resumes background printing after STOP. Syntax: CO `STOP`ST` STOP. Stops printer but leaves text in printer buffer. Resume with CO. Syntax: ST Compare ABANDON `CLEARKEYS`CLRK` CLEARKEYS (CLRK). Removes all user defined macros and resets the supplied default macros. (Use LDK without any parameters to reset your own macros, as they were when you last saved them). CLEARKEYS N (CLRK N). Removes all macros. (Use KEY to remove a single macro). `LOADKEYS`LDK` LOADKEYS (LDK). Loads macro definitions from file. Existing definitions are left untouched if not redefined in the file. Syntax: LDK ; loads given macro file LDK ; reloads last macro file (resets after a mistake). Compare SVK, CLRK `SAVEKEYS`SVK` SAVEKEYS (SVK). Saves macro definitions in a file. Syntax: SVK () Compare KEY, LDK `FF`` FF. Sends a Form Feed character to printer. Syntax: FF `ECHO`` ECHO. Turns on or off echoing to screen of commands in an exec file. Syntax: ECHO OFF ECHO ON `SYMBOL`SYM` SYMBOL (SYM). Changes the appearance on screen of a character. Syntax: SYM ... ; for medium resolution SYM ... ; for high resolution Each number determines a dot (pixel) row (eight pixels) in the symbol, and is calculated as the sum of certain values for each filled pixel in the row: Pixel column: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Term to add : 1 2 4 8 16 32 64 128 E.g. 129 produces one dot in the start and one in the end of the row (1+128=129) `DATE`TIME` DATE and TIME sets the system clock. This is used for dating files and can be called into the documents during editing (ALT-D and ALT-T) or during printing. Alternatively CONTROL.ACC can be used. `INK`` INK is used to determine the shade of colour for each of the colour numbers that the computer can show. The use of these colours may then be set up with CONFIG. Colour Syntax: INK no,&rgb ; sets given colour number (0-3) to a colour shade determined from the three numbers (0-7) 'r' 'g' and 'b'. Example: INK 2,&070 ; makes colour no 2 light green. Mono Syntax: INK 0,0 ; sets black on white on a monochrome monitor. INK 0,1 ; sets white on black on a monochrome monitor. ; As an alternative for mono monitors the colours can be ; set with CONFIG, wich leaves the colours of the desktop ; unchanged. Alternatively CONTROL.ACC can be used, but the INK command (and CONFIG) has the advantage that all colour settings will be automatically restored upon exit from Protext. `TOUCH`` TOUCH. 'Touches' a file so that it is set to current time and date. Syntax: TOUCH `DESKTOP`ACC` The auxiliary programs of the Desktop (The ACC files) can be accessed simply by pressing the left mouse button while the pointer is on the top status line. Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT CALPD CALPD CALPD Chris Leivers Chris Leivers Chris Leivers 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue 46,East Avenue Telford Telford Telford Shropshire Shropshire Shropshire TF2 8BT TF2 8BT TF2 8BT >>> This file contains 60 of each character, and is used for calculating >>> character widths for use with proportional printing. >>> >>> Note: This file may print extra characters on some printers, for example >>> on daisywheels. These may be ignored, or deleted before the file is >>> printed >zm >ppoff  . .  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" ############################################################ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ************************************************************ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ------------------------------------------------------------ ............................................................ //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 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MIDLANDS B63 2TU 010 JIM MILLER WORD PROCESSING 10,SPRINGHEAD ROAD PUBLISHING ERITH GAMES KENT DA8 2BE 011 MARK "PAZ" PARRY INTERNET 2,NOKE COMMON WORD PROCESSING NEWPORT GRAPHICS ISLE OF WIGHT ANYTHING/EVERYTHING PO30 5TY 012 CHRIS LEIVERS MUSIC 46,EAST AVENUE PD LIBRARY DONNINGTON TELFORD SHROPSHIRE TF2 8BT 013 BRIAN "SHEP" SHEPHERD SWAPPING SOFTWARE 38,CALVERHALL CONTACTS STIRCHLEY DTP/WP TELFORD GAMES SHROPSHIRE TF3 1YD 014 PAUL DAVIS WORD PROCESSING 14,GRACE CLOSE GAMES MOTTINGHAM PD LONDON MAG ARTICLES SE9 4JE 015 MARKO LATVINEN GRAPHICS AITTOKUJA 33A ANYTHING/EVERYTHING 46870 ANJALANKOSKI FINLAND 016 MIKE BALL SWAPPING 5,IVY YARD ( SEND LISTS ) CHURCH STREET WHITBY NORTH YORKSHIRE YO22 4AF 017 PAT WELLS WORD PROCESSING 23,RAVEN DRIVE UTILITIES WORCESTER LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE ST WR5 3LR 018 STEVE TAYLOR ART 1,BLEACHFIELD HOUSE GRAPHIC DESIGN MOUNT VERNON PROGRAMMING THURSO DTP CAITHNESS GENERAL KW14 8QW 019 THE SANDMAN (UK) COMPILING 30,EAST RABY ST PACKING DARLINGTON PROGRAMMING CO.DURHAM ART DLself,mum and Mr Brown."Oh thats beatiful"said Mrs Brown putting her arm around her "lets go and get some dinner I think you need it after all that hard work".So they headed home for there dinner.On the way home Rachell said when is it my birthday"Its on Saturday sweetheart thats the 5th of April"I cant wait"said Rachell"I want a hamster but mummy said no because I am to wee top look after it but I am not I love animals I want to be a vet"When I was your age I wanted to be a vet as well but I changed my mind I am glad I did though or I wouldnt have met you or your mum."I`m glad your my nanny I would be very sad if I had a nanny like my teacher Miss Smith she is horrible to me all the time she always shouts at me but she likes every one else""How do you mean darling""well when we were drawing today Amanda hit me in the face with a sharp pencil it was really painful so I told the teacher the teacher said to me that I was been such a baby and that I was to sit down and be quit then I saw blood dripping down from where I was jagged so I asked to go to the toilet to clean it up I got told to stop it with my finger""are you sure its just you she shouts at sweet heart it could just be your imagineation"Its not I know it is`nt""then after that Amanda called me a cow so I said cant say much for your self the teacher said to me Rachell get out side and so I had to work in the corrider"."Dont worry darling I will see to that""Now lets get this door opened so we can get our dinner.Inside the house Mrs Brown made Rachell beens on toast for Rachells dinner as that was her favourite,Rachell ate every bit of it and took her plate throgh to the kitchen where her nanny was baking a cake"can I help"said Rachell jumping up on to the bunker"no this ones to hard for you to make you go and play with your rabbit"ok"said Rachell walking off with her head down."hello Thumper what have you been up to today"said Rachell,the rabbit just looked at Rachell as if to say what do you think Im stuck in this cage all da3 7TJ 020 021 JFW WRITING FLAT 1 GRAPHICS (MONO AND COLOUR IMAGE ENHANCEMENT) 28,VICTORIA ROAD DTP BOURNEMOUTH TYPOGRAPHY BH1 4RR SCANNING 022 BOD RPG 54,GOODMAN WAY DIY MODS TANYARD FARM DISKSWAPPING TILE HILL VILLAGE DEMOS COVENTRY CODING WARKS CV4 9VG away because she really liked Ryan. y,the rabbit cage was quite big it has 3 departments alltogether it has the bed bit a big bit with hay in it and a big bit with saw dust in it so it has a desent amount of room to run about in,Rachell picked out Thumper and cuddled him she then let him go and run about the garden,then she heard Amanda shout on her"Rachell did you like it in the corrider today bet it was fun""yeah it was actually I was talking to Ryan we are really starting to become good friends"Amanda just walked away because she really liked Ryan. Rachell decided she would go in and ask if she could go across for her best friend Holly"Margerate(Mrs Brown)can I go across for Holly"luckily Margerate had just finished putting the cake away into the cuboard. '=27,"&p1X",4 rc ''=27,"&p1X",5 rc ''=27,"&p1X",6 rc ' '=27,"&p1X",11 rc 12=13,12 ;; form feed rc ''=27,"&p1X",14 rc ''=27,"&p1X",15 rc ''=27,"&p1X",16 rc ''=27,"&p1X",17 rc ''=27,"&p1X",18 rc ''=27,"&p1X",19 rc ''=27,"&p1X",20 rc ''=27,"&p1X",21 rc ''=2 AMANDA KELL`S SHORT STORY "It is Rachells birthday on Saturday"said Rachells mum "I was thinking about letting her have a party would you like to help organise it"Mrs Brown Rachells nanny said "that sounds great I could bake a cake and write 7 on it""great Idea"said Rachells mum and so they started planning on what they were going to do.Rachell was at school as it was a Wedensday morning.The whole morning Rachells mum and her nanny were planing the party.At 12.15 Rachells mum had to go to work her mum works as a Speach Theripast so Rachell only sees her mum in the morning and at 8.00 before bed at weekens she only sees her mum at bed time so they miss each other,Rachells dad died when Rachell was only 1 year old so it is somme times very hard for her mum to cope.Its now 12.25 time for Mrs Brown to pick Rachell up from school as its only half day for children in primary 3."hiya"said Rachell running to the school gate showing Mrs Brown her picture of her self,mum and Mr Brown."Oh thats beatiful"said Mrs Brown putting her arm around her "lets go and get some dinner I think you need it after all that hard work".So they headed home for there dinner.On the way home Rachell said when is it my birthday"Its on Saturday sweetheart thats the 5th of April"I cant wait"said Rachell"I want a hamster but mummy said no because I am to wee top look after it but I am not I love animals I want to be a vet"When I was your age I wanted to be a vet as well but I changed my mind I am glad I did though or I wouldnt have met you or your mum."I`m glad your my nanny I would be very sad if I had a nanny like my teacher Miss Smith she is horrible to me all the time she always shouts at me but she likes every one else""How do you mean darling""well when we were drawing today Amanda hit me in the face with a sharp pencil it was really painful so I told the teacher the teacher said to me that I was been such a baby and that I was to sit down and be quit then I saw blood dripping down from where I was jagged so I asked to go to the toilet to clean it up I got told to stop it with my finger""are you sure its just you she shouts at sweet heart it could just be your imagineation"Its not I know it is`nt""then after that Amanda called me a cow so I said cant say much for your self the teacher said to me Rachell get out side and so I had to work in the corrider"."Dont worry darling I will see to that""Now lets get this door opened so we can get our dinner.Inside the house Mrs Brown made Rachell beens on toast for Rachells dinner as that was her favourite,Rachell ate every bit of it and took her plate throgh to the kitchen where her nanny was baking a cake"can I help"said Rachell jumping up on to the bunker"no this ones to hard for you to make you go and play with your rabbit"ok"said Rachell walking off with her head down."hello Thumper what have you been up to today"said Rachell,the rabbit just looked at Rachell as if to say what do you think Im stuck in this cage all darem General Epson 9 pin (with 8 intl char sets, without ibm char set) rem as FX80 but without reverse line feed in line draw graphics cc '@'=27,"@" cc 'b'=27,"E",27,"G"; 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@36 A36 B36 C36 D36 E36 F36 G36 H36 I24 J30 K36 L36 M42 N36 O36 P36 Q36 R36 S36 T36 U42 V36 W42 X36 Y36 Z30 [24 \30 ]24 ^30 _30 `18 a30 b36 c30 d36 e30 f24 g36 h36 i18 j24 k36 l18 m42 n36 o30 p36 q36 r30 s30 t24 u36 v36 w42 x30 y36 z30 {24 |18 }24 ~30 36 36 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 18 18 18 36 36 36 42 42 30 30 30 36 36 36 36 42 30 30 36 42 36 30 18 30 36 36 36 36 36 30 36 36 30 36 36 36 30 30 30 30 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 36 y,the rabbit cage was quite big it has 3 departments alltogether it has the bed bit a big bit with hay in it and a big bit with saw dust in it so it has a desent amount of room to run about in,Rachell picked out Thumper and cuddled him she then let him go and run about the garden,then she heard Amanda shout on her"Rachell did you like it in the corrider today bet it was fun""yeah it was actually I was talking to Ryan we are really starting to become good friends"Amanda just walked away because she really liked Ryan. Rachell decided she would go in and ask if she could go across for her best friend Holly"Margerate(Mrs Brown)can I go across for Holly"luckily Margerate had just finished putting the cake away into the cuboard,"yes but remember dont go far from the house""ok Margerate"said Rachell and ran out the house slambing the door behind her."Hello Marion is Holly there""come on in Rachell shes just finished her lunch"."Hello Rachell"said Holly putting her plate in the sink."hello do you want to come out today we can go down the beach""yeah sure I will just tell my mum""ok hurry up""mum I am going down the beach with Rachell we will be back before tea""o alright but dont get wet or you are in tomorrow""ok bye".The girls ran out the house and headed for the beach.When they got there they build big sandcastles,through stones in the water,and even did cartwheels in the sand the girls sat on the wall for a rest before they went home when who was to come along Amanda"o no look who it is"said Rachell whispering into Hollys ear"lets go"said Holly but before they could stand up Amanda walked up behind them."lets go down to the water"said Amanda"but we`re not allowed wet"said Holly "dont be a chicken come on"well as long as we dont get wet""oh dont worry you wont"so the 3 girls ran down to the waters edge why dont we see if we can skim the stones"said Rachell "yeah"said Holly "no I have a better idea"said Amanda and pushed both Rachell and Holly into the water. IF VER5 rules qp=5,p=4,ce= MICK GILL 22,SHERWOOD GROVE ACOMB YORK YO2 5RD nsed pica cw 14 font 2 ; elite cw 20 font 3 ; condensed elite (may not be possible) cw 12 font 4 ; draft proportional (widths not available, treat as elite) pw 20 cw 20 font 5 ; nlq proportional (widths not available, treat as elite) pw 20 cw 20 ENDIF JOHN THOMPSON 30,EAST RABY ST. DARLINGTON CO.DURHAM DL3 7TJ P series, Juki5510 rem Star NL10, Brother 1109,1409. Kaga Taxan KP810/910. rem Seikosha SP1200/1600, MP1350-AI, MP5350-AI, BP5420/5500 rem Fujitsu M3349B, NEC P560/565, Most dot matrix printers cc '@'=27,"@" cc 'b'=27,"E",27,"G"; 27,"F",27,"H" cc 'c'=15 ; 18 cc 'e'=27,"M" ; 27,"P" cc 'i'=27,"4" ; 27,"5" cc 'l'=27,"W",1 ; 27,"W",0 cc 'n'=27,"P" cc 'p'=27,"p",1 ; 27,"p",0 cc 'q'=27,"(",0,27,"x",1 ; 27,"x",0 cc 's'=27,"S",1 ; 27,"T" cc 't'=27,"S",0 ; 27,"T" cc 'u'=27,"-",1 ; 27,"-",0 rc '#'=27,"R",0,"#" rc '$'=27,"R",0,"$" rc '@'=27,"R",0,"@" rc '['=27,"R",0,"[" rc '\'=27,"R",0,"\" rc ']'=27,"R",0,"]" rc '^'=27,"R",0,"^" rc '`'=27,"R",0,"`" rc '{'=27,"R",0,"{" rc '|'=27,"R",0,"|" rc '}'=27,"R",0,"}" rc '~'=27,"R",0,"~" rc ''=27,"R",1,"@" rc ''=27,"R",1,"[" rc ''=27,"R",1,"\" rc ''=27,"R",1,"{" rc ''=27,"R",1,"|" rc ''=27,"R",1,"}" rc ''=27,"R",2,"[" rc ''=27,"R",2,rem HP LaserJet, HP Laserjet+ using HP Roman 8 symbol set mm 2 mf 1 cw 30 pw 21 ff on hl 27,"=" cc '@'=27,"E",27,"(8U" cc 'b'=27,"(s3B" ; 27,"(s0B" cc 'i'=27,"(s1S" ; 27,"(s0S" cc 'p'=27,"(s1P" ; 27,"(s0P" cc 'u'=27,"&dD" ; 27,"&d@" rem font selection cc 'r'=27,"(s1p10v0s0b5T" ;; select 10 point TIMES ROMAN cc 'h'=27,"(s1p14.4v0s0b4T" ;; select 14.4 point HELVETICA rem pitch control cc 'c'=27,"(s16.66H" cc 'e'=27,"(s12H" cc 'n'=27,"(s10H" cc 's'=27,"&a+0.5R" ; 27,"&a-0.5R" cc 't'=27,"&a-0.5R" ; 27,"&a+0.5R" rc ''=180 rc ''=207 rc ''=197 rc ''=192 rc ''=204 rc ''=200 rc ''=212 rc ''=181 rc ''=193 rc ''=205 rc ''=201 rc ''=221 rc ''=209 rc ''=217 rc ''=216 rc ''=208 rc ''=220 rc ''=215 rc ''=211 rc ''=194 rc ''=206 rc ''=202 rc ''=195 rc ''=203 rc ''=239 rc ''=218 rc ''=219 rc ''=191 rc ''=187 rc ''=188 rc ''=190 rc ''=196 rc ''=213 rc ''=198 rc ''=199 rc ''=183 rc ''=182 rc ''=249 rc ''=250 rc ''=185 rc ''=248 rc ''=247 rc ''=184 rc ''=251 rc ''=253 rc ''=222 rc ''=254 rc ''=179 IF PC rc ''=189 ENDIF IF ST rc 158=222 rc 176=226 rc 177=234 rc 178=210 rc 179=214 rc 182=161 rc 183=225 rc 184=233 rc 185=171 rc 186=168 rc 192=239 rc 193=238 rc 221=189 ENDIF rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c30a4b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+13x-39Y",27,"*c4a50b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+13x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*p+13x+0Y",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+13x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*p+0x-23Y",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*p+13x-23Y",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c30a4b0P",27,"*p+13x+0Y",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c30a4b0P",27,"*p+13x-23Y",27,"*c4a27b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c30a4b0P",27,"*p+13x-23Y",27,"*c4a50b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+13x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*p+0x-23Y",27,"*c4a50b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rc ''=27,"&f0S",27,"*p+0x-16Y",27,"*c17a4b0P",27,"*p+13x-23Y",27,"*c4a50b0P",27,"&f1S"," " rem the following widths for TIMES ROMAN 10 POINT are in units of 1/300" widths 17 !12 "15 #30 $23 %35 &35 '12 (15 )16 *22 +23 ,14 -23 .12 /21 023 123 223 323 423 523 623 723 823 923 :10 ;12 <24 =25 >24 ?22 @39 A35 B29 C31 D34 E30 F28 G36 H35 I16 J20 K38 L30 M42 N35 O33 P26 Q33 R34 S22 T30 U37 V34 W38 X36 Y33 Z31 [13 \21 ]14 ^24 _35 `12 a21 b25 c21 d25 e21 f19 g23 h25 i14 j17 k25 l13 m37 n25 o23 p25 q24 r18 s17 t15 u25 v24 w34 x24 y24 z20 {16 |8 }17 ~26 31 25 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 21 14 14 14 34 34 30 31 40 23 23 23 25 25 24 33 37 24 23 33 41 30 21 14 23 25 25 35 20 20 22 21 21 12 26 26 26 24 16 25 20 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 you ever read the side of a Gillette shaving foam can? If Robert Kell. 01333 312867 22,March Crescent, Cellardyke, Fife, KY10 3AE 17th Oct Dear sir, As you will recall,I telephoned you at lunch-time on Friday about 30 pin 1 meg simms chips.As promised here enclosed is the cheque for 10 plus postage and packing. As I metioned on the phone the chips are for an Atari STe.I am in fact a member of an Atari ST user group and I wondered if you would give your permission for me to include your name within the next club magazine in the form of an advert for your company.I know that there are always a few people looking out for simms chips for their machines and usually are put off by the price that official Atari stockists charge.For example a friend of mine was very recently charged 76 for four 1 meg chips,this price is the norm rather than the exception if Atari users buy chips from Atari stockists.One of the members though did some research into the technical side of it and came to the conclusion that almost all 30 pin simms are fully compatible with the ST`s.It seemed therefore that us Atari users were being pretty hard done by all things considered.I had hoped that if I could point the members in your direction it might both help them financially and of course give you a little bit of business as well.The club magazine is entered into the public domain at each release and although probably not reaching more than 100 or so readers at the moment,we do hope to increase that figure as we go on. Anyway,you can think about it and let me know your opinion maybe when you send up the chips.Thanks again. Yours Faithfully Robert Kell e jet without making any noise or turbulance.The only wind came from the pilot when he saw it. More than 100 people were killed in Shaoyang City in southern China when 10 tons of dynamite stored in MR MEMORY CECIL COURT 75B CECIL STREET BIRMINGHAM B19 3SU deep crater,and every other block within 100 yards collapsed and every window within a 1 mile radius was broken.One of the dead was He Geng,an explosives expert that lived in the building.I guess that`s expert in the terms of Robson and Gerome,expert singers. An art exhibition to be opened by Boy George has been slammed for having a dead gay`s ashes and exhibits of HIV infected blood.Other exhibits include a joke flower and a water pistol both squirting infected blood.With the type of customer they`ll be attracting,if you drop your keys,leave them there or you might well be squirted by something even more horrible. Michael Jackson was wandering around London with a mask over the bottom half of his face.Nothing to do with pollution though,he`d had a Fry`s Chocolate Cream for his elevenses and the bottom half of his face was at the launderette. Pepsi Cola are spending millions  MARK, 14,COLDHARBOUR LANE LONDON SE5 9PRless than that on hers and they turned out okay. There`s a spate of wilcat strikes at the post office last week.I never even knew that they were any employed there. Talking condoms are all the rage in America,they say things like," You turn me on " and " Let`s have a party ".Mind you,when you`re using them they say " Mmmph Mmmph Mmmph ". Princess Di has been on holiday in Barbuda,where she took her boys fishing.They caught several small fish including a young shark and a fish called a cockfur.Now wouldn`t it have been excellent to have heard her asking the boatman " What`s a cockfur? ".Now she would know. The answers to some of this years A Level results appeared on the internet.The question were part of a paper where the pupils had 4 days to research the answer.I`d say that if anyone used their nut ANIMALS IN THE WINTER When the ground is frozen and the snow is falling deep the animals in the wild are falling fast asleep. They collect there food in summer to last the whole year round they hide it in the trees or sometimes under ground. The animals sleep in burrows or sometimes in a nest so that us humans cant annoy them and become a terrible pest. When they awake in spring they go searching for there food,they hunt the trees and undre ground and say ah that tastes good. BY AMANDA KELL AGE 13 # Scotland Scotland has alot of interesting places bandpipes, kilts, and shortbread faces big potatoes, haggis, and neep thats the food that us Scots eat. These are all just sterio type but Scotland yes its alright Robbie Burns hes our man he wrote poems like noone can. Ebingburgh castle thats the best I think you should give it a test lots of cleaners, maids, and servants that was all in 1427. Our beachs they are not so good glass bottles, seaweed, and yucky food so that is where we take our dogs take our pals and take our lauds. remember one game that turned out a bit rough.We were playing for the Waid-Morgan Gary, 95,St Andrews Rd Yeovil Somerset BA20 2DF eam at that time as nearly all of us had gone right through school in the same year and we were all now in 6th year together.Morgan Academy is in Dundee and is pretty rough.The game took place at 4.00,right after school and there were about 1,000 spectators who were lined up around the park.As we went into the lead the game got more out of hand,two of their guys had already been sent off and the crowd were beginning to come onto the park.As I ran with the ball for the corner a hand came out of the crowd and Wallop,whacked me in the face.Of course temper took over and I waded into the guy who`d hit me closely followed by the rest of my team, their team,the ref,the teachers and anyone else who was walking by.The game was halted 10 minutes or so early but we got the cup.Unfortunately the police had to be called to escort us from the dressing room to the bus and the swines never even gave us our tea as they were supposed to do. Mind you,I recall a very violent game in England too.In the same year we went on a tour of the Lake District,playing 3 games in a week.The trip had got off to a very bad start actually when one of the teachers who was to come with us cried off a couple of days before we were to leave.His place was taken with a Mr.Nelson who was a French teacher and a nice enough guy,but he`d passed his test when he was at college and hadn`t driven since.Anyway,we set off at 7.30 am,crashed into a wall after 6 miles,crashed into a wall at a garage after 20 miles,slid sideways into a telegraph pole at about 25 miles and we hadn`t reached the Forth Bridge yet.Things did improve though and we only crashed once more.Unfortunately it was into a lorry in Abingdon which was parked outside the police station.As it was Sunday there was no one in the place which was just as well.We then got lost several times and the first mini-bus got stopped by the traffic police for going round and round a huge roundabout waiting for us to catch up. It was a bit of a relief when we eventually saw a large stretch of water given that we were heading for Windermere.Unfortunately we were looking at the North Sea and were on the wrong coast of England altogether.We eventually reached our destination,a log cabin type affair in Grizedale Forest,at 11.30 pm.Just a tad late. Things kind of got carried away now though.The volunteer cook burned the beans down to a soggy mess,someone put dog-shit in Big Jimmy`s sleeping bag,Mr.Nelson won everybody`s money at 3 card brag,and a guy called Raymond fell out of his bunk,put his shoulder out and landed on Tubby who was sleeping on a camp bed on the floor. Daylight only compounded the problems.Donald burned the breakfast and there was a 3 mile walk to the nearest shop.Wee chick got chased out of woods by a deer and Big Jimmy fell in the river outside the cabin while attempting to catch the guy that had put the shit in his sleeping bag. We ran over a workman`s foot as he swivelled his stop-go board at a roadworks and got lost again on the way to the first game.When we arrived we had to change in the same dressing room as the opposition and a punch up started before we`d got our clothes off. A local TV station turned up to film a wee bit for their regional news but there was so much punch-ups in the game that they pissed off in disgust before the end.We were then forced to have a "social event" with the other team in their common room after but a row of teachers had to stand up the middle of the room for the duration with one side at one end and the other,well,at the other. We did win the match,but that fact kind of got lost somehow. We got lost yet again on the way back to the cabin and were made to run 5 miles the next day as punishment for the "disgraceful match scenes". The following day we were treated to a day out in Morecambe but things didn`t improve much.As it was winter there was nothing to do so we climbed over the fence at the funfair and had a go on the helter-skelter thingy but somebody summoned the police and we had to scarper. We went to a small place called Ambleside and went to see Slapshot the ice hockey movie.Trouble was we`d gone for chips first and two lads were a bit late out of the shop and they got refused entry to the pictures.A squad of locals arrived and found them hanging about and proceeded to duff them up.Highly unsocial behaviour. When I played for my school FP team,I was warned by my then fiancee,not to play at all the month or so before our wedding day incase I broke a leg or something.Well,turned out that the team was a man short the week before the big day and as my intended was away shopping,I thought,what the hell, and dug out my boots.My luck being what it is of course,some dirty bastard stamped on my face and split the side of my nose with their studs.I thought that stitches in my face would not be appreciated really so I refused to have any put in.Of course this was stupidity on my part and the thing bled for 3 days.Needless to say I was almost not married at all and the wedding photos were steered around me altogether.Must be the only set of wedding pics in history that don`t feature the groom. The injury was compounded slightly though on my stag night when I`d overdone the pernod and blackcurrant.I misjudged the distance between my head and the lavvy pan in the pub when I leaned forward to give it the big Hughie,CLONK,nearly knocked myself out on the rim.What a life. Mind you,I think that this only goes to show that violence only gets you into trouble.Especially with your wife. Actually,the last time that this was true for me was not that long ago.A couple of mates and myself had gone out for a few pints.Anyway,one of my chums started arguing with this rather large geezer at the bar.After a wee bit when it was getting more heated,I decided to calm them down.I turned to the bar to put down my glass and when I turned back I was Just in time to catch the punch meant for my mate,right on the end of my nose.Anyway, it knocked me right off my feet ont the floor,unfortunately in the resulting melee I was trampled underfoot as the bar turned in to the OK corral.The result was that I stood up covered in blood and dirty foot prints.This was the night that I`d chosen of course to wear my brand new white shirt.Just you try to explain to an irate woman that even though you`re covered in blood and have bloody huge foot marks all over you that you`ve not been fighting.Take it from me,they don`t believe you. XXX XXX XX XXX X XXXX XX XX XXX XXXX XXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXX XXX X X X X X XXX X X XXX XXXX X XXX XXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XX XXX XXXX XXXX X X X X X XXX XXXX ================================================================== PROBLEMS OF AN INTIMATE NATURE ? CONTACT DR.BOB Dear Dr Bob, I am very worried about my next door neighbour.She`s a beautiful 20 year old with a stunning figure,but I think that she`s developing a drink problem. My husband ,who`s a keen home-brewer,goes around to her house every night at 11p.m. saying that he`s going to empty his kegs.Do you think that she`s putting too much over her throat? I`m sure that she is putting something over her throat,but it may not be drink.Have you considered Suggesting some early nights with your husband or do you find that too hard to swallow. Dear Dr Bob, I`m a young lady of 21,and I had an unfortunate experience at my new doctors the other day.When he suggested I should have an internal examination,I stripped off and lay on the couch with my legs open.He proceeded to blindfold me and said that this was a new revolutionary way to conduct internal examinations.He then introduced what he said was a medical instument which I`d guess to be around 6 or 7 inches long into my body and moved it back and forth for several minutes.What do you suggest I do about this. Come over to my house and I`ll give you a second opinion. Dear Dr Bob, My boyfriend Billy-Beau,always longed for me to make some kind of commitment to him.Unwilling to get married but wanting to make a statement of my sincerety,I decided to get his initials tattoed on each cheek of my bottom.When I surprised him with this by bending over and raising my skirt and dropping my knickers,he kicked me and shouted " Who the Hell is Bob " What can he have meant? I think you made a mistake by showing him the whole of your body. Dear Dr Bob, I have heard that you have some vetarinary experience,could you please help me.An escaped gorilla has climbed onto the roof of my house and the local police only offered to shoot it.I don`t want it hurt so could you get it down safely. I`ll come round with a large net,a gun,and my specially trained Rottweiller.The Rottweiller is specialy trained to grab anything by the testicles when it`s muzzle is removed.I`ll climb on the roof and push the gorilla off,you let the dog go,it`ll run up to the gorilla,grab it by the testicles and when it`s attention is taken,throw the net over it.The gun is to shoot the dog incase the gorilla pushes me off first. Dear Dr Bob, I went up to the bank to get a loan of 50,000 to move to England and start a cheese business.I wanted to set up in Leicestershire and call my cheese Red Leicester but the bank manager told me that someone had already thought of this.What can you suggest. Jerry of Jerusalem Dear Jerry If I were you I`d stay where I was,open your factory and call it Cheeses of Nazereth Dear Dr Bob, My boyfriend seems to me to be suggesting that I take up music as he keeps asking me to play a tune on his blue-veined-trumpet.Do you think I should do it. Blow that for a hobby. Dear Dr Bob, I took my girlfriend for a cycle run on my tandem the other week,a sort of mystery tour.As we cycled along a cobbled road I remarked that I hadn`t come this way before and she replied, " Neither have I,it must be the cobbles ". Since then she`s insisted we cycle there every day and I`m getting fed up with it as I was once a weak man. I`d say once a week is enough for anybody Dear Dr Bob, I think that my girlfriend is having an affair with a sailor as she keeps asking me to bail her out when we`re in bed.Do you think this is a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun? I think it`s more some tongue between cheek fun she`s after. Dear Dr Bob, I`m a single mum who`s a bit strapped for cash.I don`t like my neighbour very much as he`s a bit of a weirdo but he`s often told me he`ll come round any time and slip me something.Do you think I should stand for it? Only if you`ve got strong calf muscles. Dear Dr Bob My wife has been in the army for the last 5 years.I was quite happy with this as I think that it`s important to have our own careers. However she has just left the army with a dishonourable discharge,do you think her superior officer could be to blame? If the discharge was thick and white,it would almost definately point to an officer in the British army. Dear Dr Bob, I`m a single parent and my next door neighbour keeps making suggestive remarks to me.Just the other day he said I could pierce his nipple,what should I do? If I were you I would pierce it,with a javelin. Dear Dr Bob, My 15 year old son came home from school and admitted that he had just had sex with his teacher.I went to chastise him but he asked me not to as his bottom was still sore,do you think he`s coming it? He`s not,but somebody is. Dear Dr Bob, My friend was caught with drugs and although while on remand he tried to cure 50 others of drug use by telling them that when you begin taking drugs your spleen is the size of a marble and six months later it`s the size of a tennis ball,they did not listen and he was jailed,what should he have done. He should have told them that when you go into jail your arse-hole is the size of a marble and six months later it`s the size of a tennis ball,that would have worked. Dear Dr Bob, My life is a misery because my willy is too small.Is there a sure-fire method to increase it`s size? Not really.A couple that I knew,former patients of mine,had a similar problem and tried all sorts of cures.Nothing worked until the lady found a large mirror in an antique shop,the owner told her it was a magic mirror and that it granted wishes.She took it home,hung it on the door,and said," Mirror mirror on the door,make my bust a forty four ",and by George her bosom swelled to 44 inches there and then. When her husband came home he was astounded at her story and rushed up to the room to try it for himself.He stripped off,stood in front of the mirror and said," Mirror mirror on the door made my willy hit the floor ",and his legs shrunk.So you see,there`s no easy answer. With so much success on the write-in front over the last few months,I opened the surgery doors the other day and did some personal consulting. The following is a selected transcription of some of the days cases. PATIENT. I keep thinking that I`m a dog. Dr BOB Well come in and jump up on the couch sir and we`ll see what we can do. PATIENT Sorry,I`m not allowed on the furniture. PATIENT I can`t seem to,prrrt,stop breaking wind Dr,prrrt.As soon as I,prrrt,wake up in the,prrrt,morning it seems to,prrrt,start and I just,prrrt,can`t seem to,prrrt,stop myself,prrrt. Dr BOB Hang on sir,I`ll just go and get a long pole with a hook on the end. PATIENT Oh Jesus,prrt,you`re not going to,prrrt,stick that up,prrrt,my arse are you? prrt. Dr BOB No I`m going to open the window,there`s a helluva stink in here. PATIENT Some days I feel like a wigwam and some days I feel like a circus big-top. Dr BOB I think you`re two tents. PATIENT Dr,I can`t help eating corn flakes and I don`t want to die. Dr BOB Don`t worry sir,you can`t die through eating corn flakes. PATIENT My father did,he choked on a plastic dinosaur. Dear Dr Bob. I seem to have developed a bright red ring around my willy wobbler.Can you suggest anything that I can do to get rid of it? Try getting your wife to change her lipstick colour. Dear Dr Bob. I think my 75 year old husband is taking his passion for music a bit too far.Every night he leaves the house at around 11 saying he`s away for his Nat King Cole.I don`t know much about music,is this a record? Well if he`s doing it every night it`s certainly not bad for a man of his age. Dear Br Bob. I run a caravan site and each night when I`m doing my security rounds a lady from Oslo who is staying here keeps offering to give me oral sex.I don`t want to cheat on my wife but the offer is very tempting,what should I do? I always say you should never look a gift Norse in the mouth. Dear Dr Bob. A young lady in our block of flats told me that I make her passage all wet and shiny.I always take my wellingtons off at the foot of the stairs on a rainy day and can`t think what she`s on about.I offered to give her passage a quick Flash to get it really shiny and she fainted. Do you think she`ll come round on her own? Well if she brings her mate,my number`s in the book. Dear Dr Bob I`m a young woman of 21 and as I`d never been to the dentist since I was at primary school,I went in for a checkup.The dentist had me lie down on my back with my pants off and legs in the air.He looked up my skirt and commented that I had the longest rooted molars that he`s ever seen.He also said that I should come in every week so that he can see if they`re getting any longer.Do you think they will? Well they won`t but I expect something will. Dear Dr Bob. I`m very worried about my husband.If there`s a storm at night when we`re sleeping and a bolt of lightning flashes,he jumps up and shouts " I`ll buy the negatives ".Do you think I should get him to see someone? No I think he`s got that sorted out himself. Dear Dr Bob. My girlfriend enjoys making love as we`re driving along the road and she says that it is the only way that she can have an orgasm.I try to please her but find it very embarrassing as I only have a 50cc Yamaha. Can you suggest something. What about a sidecar and a chauffeur. Dear Dr Bob. In order for my wife and myself to have a more enjoyable sex life,I suggested that we should use the rythm method.She agreed and joined a troupe of Jamaican limbo dancers.I don`t think she gets it. Oh I think she probably does. Dear Dr Bob. My husband told me that he would like to try some kinky things in our sex life and suggested he tie me to the bed.I quite liked the idea myself but after he tied the last knot he took a tenner from my purse and went to the pub.He said that he found it very satisfying,but I didn`t think too much of it.Do many couples have sex this way? Probably not,but I bet there are many who`ve thought about it. Dear Dr Bob. I was interviewing applicants for two cleaning jobs in my office and I asked one young lady if she`d ever been picked up by the Fuzz.She replied she hadn`t but she promised she`d give it a try for 3.25 an hour.Do you think I should give her one? Yes I`d say that she definately sounds like an excellent scrubber. Dear Dr Bob After having a baby last summer,my body has begun to sag in all the worst places,my buttocks are so droopy that they wipe out my footprints when I walk along the beach.Can you suggest something ? Certainly.Practise squatting down and picking up various pieces of fruit from the floor with your cheeks.Start with a grape and gradually work your way through satsumas,apples,jaffas,grapefruit,coconuts,right up to water melons.This will almost certainly tighten up your buttocks, and as a bonus will give you a fantastic set of disk brakes for when you`re out cycling. Dear Dr Bob My husband used to enjoy a beer at home,and I always liked to pour it for him.Now he has started to go out to the pub every night for his pint,what do you think is wrong. I expect that he`s getting better head from the barmaid. Dear Dr Bob My wife left me over four years ago and I`ve found that my sex drive has dwindled away over the years.I`ve now met a prostitute who I`d lke to go to bed with but I don`t think I`d be able to perform.I`ve heard about hormone replacement therapy,but I think it would be too costly. Is there a way that I could actually make a hormone. Short change her by 5. Dear Dr Bob My girlfriend suggested that I should try to get her excited by using the oral sex method but after me talking to her for four hours she fell asleep.I don`t know what she got from this but I found it most unsatisfactory.Do you think it`s a viable form of foreplay. Oh yes,I`d say it takes some licking. Dear Dr Bob I noticed a small patch on my breast which is covered in grass and has a small stream and a picnic table on it.What is it ? It`s a beauty spot. Dear Dr Bob My girlfriend bought an inflatable man to sit in her car because she thought that it would deter thieves.I thought that this was quite a good idea at first,but I don`t think she`s using it properly.They both sit in the same seat,her on it`s lap.Do you think she`s getting any protection this way. If he`s made of rubber I think she`s got all the protection she needs. Dear Dr Bob Is there an infallible form of safe sex ? Yes,be the only one there at the time. Dear Dr Bob Do you believe in sex before marraige ? Not if it holds up the ceremony. Dear Dr Bob Is it normal for a man to smoke after intercourse ? Depends on how fast he`s been going. Dear Dr Bob My husband is suffering from impotence,is there anything he can do ? Try standing him naked in front of a slightly open window.I always end up with a stiff neck when it`s been in a draught. Dear Dr Bob My wife and I are ST enthusiasts and I always like to slip my mouse into her joystick port every now and again,and give her some free ram. However,last night she blew my circuits and I ended up with a floppy drive.She then gave me the no disk in drive A signal.What should I do. Go for a handheld. Dear Dr Bob My wife has been reading that it is not healthy for women to stay on the pill for too long and she suggested that we should try other forms of contraception.We tried the condom but my wife didn`t like the smell of burning rubber.We tried the dutch cap but it left a red ring around her forehead,and we tried the coil but it was too tight around my member,plus the kid`s pogo stick was useless without it.As a final attempt we tried the rythm method.I was happy to go along with this at first but now I`m finding that the Jamaican Steel Band in the bedroom is slightly off putting.Why is this happening? I suspect that when they are there in the room,their dings might not be putting you off,but their dongs may be. Dear Dr Bob My next door neighbour is a young single mum.Just the other day she said to me that I reminded her of a roll of lino.When I asked her what she meant she said that we`d both fit perfectly in her back passage.Do you think she`s hinting at me fitting it for her? Yes,I think that she may well want you to roll something out. Dear Dr Bob Just the other day I was walking the dog through the woods and I saw a man lying over a woman in the grass.She was panting so much that I asked the man if she was having a fit,and he said " Yes,and a tight one at that ".I offered to help him by shoving something hard in her mouth to bite on,but he thumped me.Do you think he was giving her the attention she needed? Almost certainly I`d say. Dear Dr Bob I am a keen angler and as I was at the river the other day,a lady appeared walking along the opposite bank.She stopped opposite me and took off all of her clothes and jumped into the river.She swam slowly in my direction and I was forced to go because she scared all of the fish,what was she playing at. I expect she wanted a shot of your rod. Dear Dr Bob My new girlfriend will only let me make love to her if I am wearing a World War 1 German uniform complete with helmet.What can be wrong with her? I expect she likes the look of a large prick. Dear Dr Bob I live next door to a woman who`s husband works on the oil rigs.She said to me the other day that I could come round and bury my old man any time I want.I was shocked as he isn`t even dead yet.I could only mutter that I`d rather bury him in the cemetary and she said that was fine by her,and what time should we arrange it.Do you think that she has something sinister on her mind? If I were you I`d make a date and go and see if she has a hole ready. Dear Dr Bob I was walking through the park one day and got chatting to a woman. She seemed very friendly and asked me back to her place.She went into the bedroom and came back without a stitch of clothes on.She got down on all fours in front of me and asked me to behave like a dog,so I sniffed her bottom,chewed up her slipper,pissed up her rubber plant, and chased her cat out of the door.She then slammed it behind me and wouldn`t let me back in.What should I do. Sit up and beg,I`d say. Dear Dr Bob I have a beautiful Chippendale sideboard that I inherited from my Granny,the finish is getting rather dull though so I went to the phone box to get hold of a French polisher.As luck would have it the phone book had been stolen but there was a card stuck up in the box by a lady who offered this service.I went round to her house and she told me that she charged 20,so I asked her if that included doing my drawers.She said " No,only your Knob".When I said that was out of the question as I had 8 knobs altogether,she asked me if I was from Pluto and slammed the door.Do you think she was pricing herself out deliberately,as I noticed that she had a large chest behind her. If she had a large chest behind her,I reckon she`s the one from pluto. Dear Dr Bob What happened to Moses when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye kicked his teeth in. Dear Dr Bob I`m a dyslexic atheist and I don`t believe in Dog. You`re obviously a disbelieving raft. Dear Dr Bob I have a 12 inch penis,but I don`t use it as a rule. Quite right,you`ll get ink all over it. Dear Dr Bob My girlfried and I have been going out for a few weeks and have steadily been getting more intimate.In a fit of pashion the other evening,she asked me to show her something long and hard and full of semen,so I took her to the docks and let her see a submarine.She slapped my face and I haven`t seen her since.Do you think she was coming it? Well I expect she was pretty hopeful. Dear Dr Bob I`m a young girl of 17 and have just started work in my first job at a local bakery.As I watched the head baker make the pies yesterday,he took out his false teeth and used them to make the pattern around the crusts.I found this disgusting.Do you think I should report him to the environmental health people? Wait until you see how he makes the holes in the doughnuts first. Dear Dr Bob My girlfiend asked me to put two fingers in her pussy,so I did.She called me a perverted bastard and then stormed out.I haven`t seen her for a week now but her bloody cat is following me everywhere with a glint in it`s eye.Do you think I`ve lost her? You may have lost a girlfriend,but you`ve gained a very affectionate pet. Dear Dr Bob I think that my wife may have a secret pen pal as I overheard the local postman telling someone that he always gets his sacks emptied at our house.I wouldn`t mind but it must be costing a fortune in stamps. I expect she`d definately getting them all first class too. Dear Dr Bob On the phone-in surgery the other week,you told me you had some bad news and some good news for me.The good news you told me was that I had only a month to live,and then my money ran out and I didn`t hear what the bad news was. I was supposed to tell you 3 weeks ago. Dear Dr Bob My husband`s nuts. What about them,you`ll have to be more specific. Dear Dr Bob When I was passing the council depot,I overheard one of the workers saying he`d never seen a ditch like the one at number 43,my house. I ran home and although I inspected every inch of the garden,I couldn`t find where they`d been digging.Do you think I`m being taken for a ride by some of the council men? No,but I think your missus may be. Dear Dr Bob I murdered my wife.I thought it had been the perfect crime and although I buried her in the garden,face down,I`ve been caught out by the law,what mistake did I make. You shouldn`t have left her arse sticking up to park your bike. Dear Dr Bob My girlfriend said that she wanted me to let her know what a real prick felt like,so I dressed her up as PC Big Ears,and tied her to the lampost outside our local at closing time. Just goes to show that romance is not dead. Dear Dr Bob I was married last week and my husband has only now mentioned that he was married 3 times before.His first wife died through eating poisoned mushrooms.His second wife also died from eating poisoned mushrooms.And his third wife died from a fractured skull. I expect she wouldn`t eat the mushrooms. Dear Dr Bob, I`ve been happily married to my childhood sweetheart,Susan,for 12 years.She was always my best friend as well as my wife and it didn`t seem to matter to her that I was never that keen on making love.As the years passed my desires became less and less and we have not made love now for almost a year.To make matters worse,I can`t help but fantasise about a young man who cuts our next door neighbour`s grass.I also have to cross my legs when Trevor MacDonald is on the 10 `o`clock news.What is wrong with me. You`re a poofter. Dear Dr Bob, I am having terrible trouble with large red blotches that appear all over my chest and stomach.The itch is terrible and all of the creams that I have tried have made no difference whatsoever.What can it be and is there a cure. Your skin is obviously allergic to your ribs.Eat as much chocolate,ice cream,chips and fried food as possible in order to keep your skin as far away from your ribs as possible. Dear Dr Bob, I am so lonely,eveyone that I talk to just ignores me completely,it is making my life a total misery. Dear Dr Bob, I am a normal man of 30 years of age.My problem is that every morning when I wake up I am `aroused`,my wife is much smaller than me and the other morning when I turned over I nearly poked her eye out.Do you have any suggestions? I would suggest,for your wife one of those masks that the fencers wear,or,try keeping a picture of Judith Chalmers by your bed,and look at it every night before you go to sleep.(It works for me). Dear Dr Bob, I am a young woman of 20.I have a 38ff,22,36,figure.My problem is,every night when I am stripping for bed,a large Scotsman keeps appearing and tapping on my window,what should I do? Let me in. Dear Dr Bob, I am so embarrassed because of my legs.All of the other girls that I know have beautiful,long slender legs and I just know that my boyfriend likes to look at them.My legs are short and dumpy and have the texture of woodchip wallpaper.My boyfriend fantasises about girls wearing rubber,and I just know that he can never realise his fantasy with me,what can I do. Nip along to your local sports shop and buy a set of waders. Dear Dr Bob, When my mate and I went on holiday to Tenerife,he had a great time.Every night he came back to the appartment with a gorgeous girl.I tried and tried but I never got one girl the whole fortnight,what`s wrong with me? You`re obviously an ugly bastard. Dear Dr Bob, My girlfriend demands sex up to 12 times a night.Is there anything I can give her? Yes,my address. Dear Dr Bob, I have been bothered for the last month or so with thrush around my back passage,can you suggest anything. I would say your best bet would be a scarecrow. Dear Dr Bob, I have been married now for 5 years and although everything else between my husband and I is fine,he is not keen to start a family,whereas I am longing to have a living thing growing inside my tummy,what can you suggest. What about a tapeworm? Dear Dr Bob, My girlfriend and I are to be married in the spring.She has suggested that as she is still a virgin,we should refrain from love making until our honeymoon.I am in agreement with this but I think that this delay is having an affect on her.I am sure she is becoming paranoid,just the other day I went over to her house to surprise her and there was a man in the wardrobe,she said that he was there to guard her clothes.Do you think that she is losing it? No,I think that there is every chance that she has already lost it. Dear Dr Bob, My wife and I were going to go to a fancy dress party as Adam and Eve.However I tried to cover my manhood with a fig leaf but it was too small,I tried an oak leaf,but that was too small,I tried a rubber plant leaf,but that was too small,finally I tried a palm leaf but that too was too small.What can I do? Stick it in your ear and go as a petrol pump. I`m afraid that this was the last consultation from Dr Bob.The surgery will however be open on an occassional basis in Kelstar ST Club. See you there. ---------------------------- THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS ---------------------------- 14th December My Dearest Darling John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful and romantic gift. Thank you for the lovely thought With love and affection always Your everloving Agnes. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 15th December My Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift, Two Turtle Doves. I am delighted, they are adorable. All my love. Your everloving Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 16th December Dearest John, Oh, how extravagant you are, I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. I insist, you are too kind. Your loving Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 17th December Dear John, What can I say. They are beautiful, Four Calling Birds. They arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness is really too much. Your loving Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 18th December My Dearest John, What a surprise. Today th postman delivered Five Gold Rings - one for each finger. You really are impossible you know but I love you. All the birds are starting to get on my nerves a bit though with their squawking. Your everloving Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 19th December Dear John, When I opened the door this morning there were actually Six bloody great Geese laying eggs all over the front steps. What do you think I should do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to complain and I'm finding it hard to get to sleep. Cordially yours, Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 20th December John, What is it with you and these sodding birds. Now I get Seven Swans a- swimming in the goldfish pond. Is this some kind of joke? The house is full of bird shit and it's not funny anymore. Stop sending bloody birds! Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 21st December Okay Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight Maids a-milking. As if I don't have enough with all those birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house. They're keeping the whole street awake at night with their mooing. Lay off! Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 22nd December Look here craphead, What are you, some kind of nut? Now I have nine bloody Pipers Playing! They keep chasing the milk maids, treading in all that cow shit, trailing it through the house, falling over the bloody birds. The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted. Get knotted! Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 23rd December You Rotten Bastard! Now it's Ten Ladies Dancing is it? How anyone can call those floosies 'ladies' is beyond me. They're pulling the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for habitation. Piss off! Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 24th December Listen here shitface, What with Eleven Lords a-leaping all over the maids and me, we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting with the lords for the crumpet and the unlucky ones are doing some disgusting things with the cows. The birds are all dead, having been trampled in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied, swine! Your sworn enemy, Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 25th December You lousy stinking shit! Twelve drummers have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a bleeding din. Both lots have been buggering the cows and the lords have been buggering each other. Goodness knows what has happened to the milk maids, they're probably drowned in cow shit by now. The only way I saved myself from being screwed to death was by hiding up that sodding pear tree, which, by the way, has been so well fertilised that it's now grown through the fucking roof! BOLLOCKS! Agnes - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 99 JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ABOUT ANYONE ( And several were toooo risky,so I chopped them.Bob ) 1. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? ... Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow-job. 2. What do you call a female clown ? ... A Clunt 4. Did you hear about the Irishman who asked to be a Jehovas Witness ? ... He refused because he hadn't seen the accident 6. How do you get a kleenex to dance ? ... Blow a boogie in it 7. Did you hear about the poof who got fired from the sperm bank ? ... He was caught drinking on the job 8. Whats the definition of a perfect woman ? a) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put a pint glass on it. b) The sports model has pull down ears and her teeth fold in c) The economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. 9. Why does Ray Charles smile all the time ? ... Because he doesn't know he's black 10. Did you hear about the queer burgular ? ... He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator 11. Did you hear about the queer indian ? ... He jumped into the canoe, took three strokes, and shot across the lake 12. How do you get four poofs on a bar stool ? ... Turn it upside down 13. Why don't black cheerleaders do the splits ? ... Because if they did they would stick to the floor 15. Why do blacks wear platform shoes ? ... To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground 16. What do elephants use for tampons ? ... Sheep 17. How do you say "Fuck You" in Jewish ? ... Trust Me 18. Define Jewish foreplay ? ... Two hours of begging 20. Why don't Irish people eat pickles ? ... Because they can't get their heads into the jars 21. What do you do in case of fallout ? ... Put it back in and take shorter strokes 22. Why don't Italians eat fleas ? ... Because they can't get their little legs apart 23. Why did God make urine yellow and come white ? ... So the Irish could tell whether they were coming or going 24. How do Irishmen get an Iranian girl pregnant ? ... Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest 25. What has got 6 legs and eats pussy ? ... You, me, and Billie Jean King 26. Whats that brown stuff between an elephants toes ? ... Slow natives 27. Whats better than roses on your piano ? ... Two lips on your organ 29. What does it say inside a niggers lips ? ... Inflate to 20 p.s.i. 30. Did you hear about the new Irish parachute ? ... It opens on impact 33. Why do Jews have big noses ? ... Because the air is free 35. What did Adam say to Eve ? ... Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets 36. What goes into thirteen twice ? ... Roman Polanski 37. What did Michael Ryan say to his mother before going to Hungerford ? ... "I'm just shooting down the shops" 39. Whats old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ? ... Fred Astaires face 40. Whats yellow, ugly, and sleeps alone ? ... Yoko Ono 43. Where is an elephants sex organ ? ... In his feet, if he kicks you, you're fucked. 44. Whats black, white, and has three eyes ? ... Sammy Davis Jnr, and his wife. 45. How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb ? ... Five. One to change the lamp and the others to hold the equipment 47. Why does Nancy Reagan always do it on top ? ... Because Ronny can only fuck up 50. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 100 ? ... Sicily 51. Why don't they have Icecubes in Ireland ? ... They lost the recipe. 52. Whats the defination of a real mate ? ... One who'll go into town, get two blow-jobs and come back and give you one. 54. Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left-side ? ... He's all-right now 56. What do you call an Irish girl with half a brain ? ... Gifted 57. Why do women have two holes so close together ? 4 ... In case you miss 58. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland ? ... A tourist 59. Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook ? ... 100 ways to Wok your dog 60. How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose ? ... If she farts and her ankles swell 61. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear ? ... Look for dandruff on her shoes 63. Whats the definition of mass confusion ? ... Fathers day in Brixton 64. Whats the ultimate rejection ? ... Having a wank and your hand falling asleep water. 67. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis ? ... He breaks his nose 69. Whats the difference between a coloured girl and a bowling ball ? ... You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball. 70. What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans ? ... Billy Jeans. 71. You know that the barmaid's pissed when you find a string hanging out of your bloody mary. 73. Why is Italy shaped like a Boot ? ... Do you think they could fit all that shit into a tennis shoe ? 74. Whats the hardest thing about a sex change operation ? ... Inserting the anchovies 77. What is a welsh rarebit ? ... A Cardiff VIrgin 79. What is organic dental floss ? ... Pubic Hair 80. What do you get if you cross a Jew with a Gypsy ? ... A chain of empty stores The three greatest lies: 82. The cheques in the post 83. I do 84. I won't come in your mouth 85. Why do women have two holes so close together ? ... So you can carry them home like a six pack 86. How do you brainwash an Irishman ? ... Give him an enema 87. Why wasn't Christ born in the U.S.A. ... They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. 88. Why do Italians wear hats ? ... So they know which end to wipe 89. Did you hear about the Irishman who studied for 5 days for a urine test ? 90. Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it run ? 91. Did you hear about the Italian who cleaned his ears out ? ... His head caved in. 93. What is the definition of a nose bleed ? ... A bogie with a period 94. Whats red and runs up your leg ? ... A homesick period 95. Why don't fairies get pregnant ? ... They always go to goblin parties 96. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire ? ... See you next period 97. What do you call a van with 5 homosexuals in it ? ... The aids team 98. What is the definition of a skunk ? ... A skunk in a davy crockett hat 99. What is the definition of a virgin sheep ? ... One that can run faster than the shepherd A PLEA FROM S.A.A.M.I.R.S. ============================= July, unless I'm very much mistaken, marks the 30th aniversary of Action Man. You remember Action Man, eagle eyes, pull string speech ("Fire at Will"). What great things have they done to commerate this event? Well, after failing to kill Action Man off (they used to make Action Force figures, a sort of "miniture" Action Man. Then they stopped making both them and Action Man, and merged the two ideas into a new toy called GI JOE. This flopped, so Action Man was re-born). Trojan the Gladiator has been popping up on TV, and helping to promote an exibition of Action Man stuff somewhere around the country (look, I forgot OK. So shoot me). Kids associate with Trojan (the "nice" Gladiator) and so it'll probably increase sales. This can only be a good thing of course. However, they've also developed loads of new Action Man goodies for kids to buy and indeed wear. This is where the problem sets in. OK so the Action Man full-size uniform is pretty nifty (but you could buy the same thing cheaper from any Army/Navy stores), and the new dolls are OK. But what the hell where they thinking of when they created Action Man "Inline" Roller Skates? In case the makers have forgotten, Action Man is rock solid. He eats six inch nails for breakfast (and isn't afraid to go to the toliet the day after neither!!). His exploits make the Power Rangers efforts look truly pathetic. This MAN makes the SAS look like a group of Girl Guides. There is NO WAY that Action Man would be seen DEAD in a set of girly roller skates, "Inline" or not. Just who are they trying to kid. I'm sorry, but this has made my blood boil. When I was a kid I had loads of Action Men. I brought all the accesories such as the SAS dingy, and the cardboard fort. I had a snazzy NASA spacesuit, and even a Spiderman outfit for him to wear. I urge you to write to your MP, demanding a total and immediate withdrawl from sale of the said Roller Skates. And to write to the makers of Action Man (forgot again), requesting a written apology to Action Man for allowing his name to be tarnished with such an offensive product. Join with me, comrades, in boycotting all future sales of the menace that is ACTION MAN INLINE ROLLER-SKATES. Till next time. Bye Bye ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~ HOW DO THEY DO THAT ? ~ ~ ~ ~ BOB KELL SHARES SOME NIGHTIME READING ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was having a bit of a read of a book about advertising the other night and I thought that I`d share some of it with you.Not all of the gleaming ads that we see on telly or in the papers got there without a hiccup or two on the way. Apparently the advertising for the cough sweets,Zubes,was doing great things for the product with the slogan." Go suck a Zube ".That is until they launched the campaign in the Middle East where the slang for penis is of course,Zube.Well I expect some people were still keen. Unfortunately for the bill poster,the two side by side billboards that he had pasted contained these two ads.The first was a medical warning, " V.D. The Deadly Disease ".The other next to it read." I Got It At The Co-Op ". A few years ago The Commercial Union opened a new office in Rio De Janiero.It proudly displayed it`s logo,C.U. in huge illuminated letters on the front of the building.Someone was kind enough to point out though that Cu is the local word for a ladies fluffy bit.They made a right c*** of that then. In their lighter moments ad men seemingly come up with slogans that they just know will never see the light of day.The following are a selection of ad slogans that never quite made it. People are sticking to Kleenex. For Panasonic some wag came up with." From the peole who brought you Pearl Harbour ". A guy had to come up with something to follow," B-B-B- Butlins.His answer," Burgers,Booze and Bonking ". Carnation Milk,the best in the land; Here I sit with can in hand, No tits to pull,no hay to pitch, You just punch a hole in the son-of-a-bitch. There was a young bridegroom named Pasco, Who anointed his tool with Tabasco, The screams from his bride As he thrust it inside Made the honeymoon a f***ing fiasco. For Pakistan Airlines." Fly to Bangkok and Phuket ". The only part of Popeye that doesn`t rustis the part he puts in Olive Oil. Sharwoods Curry,as recommended by Geoffrey Boycott.You still get the runs only more slowly. For a market garden in December." Kill a tree for Christmas ". For a chain of Chemist shops." We supply everything from sunglasses for the continent to rubber pants for the incontinent ". How does the Lada fair against the Porsche,fine,but try getting laid because you`ve got one ". For a coal depot in Slough." We`re the best bunch of Coke- Sackers in town ". When cigarette advertising was deamed unable to show the actual product, Winston ciggies had these two ads run.A picture of a crowbar with a cake on it with the slogan," We`re not allowed to tell you anything about Winston Cigarettes so here`s a tart leaning against a bar ".And,a picture of a shovel against a wall with a big rooster looking at it with the slogan," We`re not allowed to tell you anything about Winston Cigarettes,so hears a spade with a big cock ". Finishing with a strange story.In third world countries it is common practise for women to flush out their internal pink bit with Coca Cola as a spermicide.The Harvard Medical School was intrigued and duly set up some tests.In the New England Journal in 1985 they published their findings.Entitled " The Effect of Coke on Sperm Mobility ",the report detailed the findings of the tests.Regular Coke stopped all sperm movement in 91% of tests, and Diet Coke in 100% of tests killed all sperm stone dead.I wonder how they get the tin back. BOB AND MARION`S NEW BABY ```````````````````````````` Totally impressed with the idea of Bun and Paz`s real time article, I have concocted from memory a diary of Friday December 6th. 5.12 am - " Get up,I think it`s started ". 5.13 am - " Jesus Christ ".Jump out of the bed,knock over the alarm clock and boot the leg of the bed on the way to the light switch. Agony,hirple,hirple. 5.14 am - " Are you sure? "," Yes,definately,the contractions are about 5 minutes ". 5.15 am - " F**k me " 5.18 am - Charge downstairs to phone the maternity hospital,the parents-in-law,and get the car warmed up. 5.30 am - " Oooyah Bastard,that`s cold !".Come back in the house and put some socks and shoes on. 5.35 am - Shit,the car door`s frozen shut,and everything`s all icy. Get the de-icer. 5.36 am - Double shit,it`s in the glove compartment. 5.45 am - Pour hot water on the car door to get it open.Get in,start up,get out,stall.Shit. 5.46 am - Start up again,get hammer from boot,put it on accelerator and warm up at 10,000 revs. 6.00 am - Where`s the in-laws.Look out the window.Oh no,thick fog.No,hang on.It`s smoke from the car exhaust. 6.10 am - Contractions are rapidly closing to 4 minutes.No in-laws yet. 6.30 am - Here they are.Couldn`t get the car to start,came up in the Water Board van instead. 6.40 am - Can`t get into the car because the missus` back is too sore to move.Move out in stages between contractions.Milkman seems to think we`re on the way home from an all-nighter. 6.40.5 am - Milkman," Bit late for that in`tit ".Me," Piss off ya bastard afore I shove that milk crate that far up up yer arse that ye`ll be shittin` gold top for a fortnight ".( Understandable response from an imminently expectant father ). 7.00 am - Actually get into the car,complete with mother-in-law who got in the back first and then couldn`t get back out as the off side door is frozen shut.F**k it,she`ll have to come too. 7.01 am - Drive off leaving father-in-law wondering where the hell we`re all off to.Never mind,he can put the older two to school. 7.45 am - After much crawling along on pure white roads at 30mph stopping for petrol,Lucozade,and puking,we get to the maternity hospital. 7.50 am - Park the car at the front door,get everyone out,send them on ahead while I park in the carpark and bring the bag. 7.55 am - Try to hurry into a space and thump the next car.Think,f**k it,it`s black dark an no-one`s about,I`ll get away with it. 7.56 am - Reverse into the opposite space,collect the bag,and boot the little bit of plastic from the guys bumper as far as possible as I walk past. 8.00 am - Into the hospital.Where`ve they gone. 8.01 am - Nurse appears.Nurse," I see you`ve got the bag ".Me," Well she kept the wife company coming along the road ". 8.10 am - Eventually get into the delivery room.Walked past the door at first as I thought it was something to do with the kitchen. 8.15 am - I`m happy now,everything`s under control.Midwife`s examination. 8.16 am - " Mr Kell,you`re wife`s 9 cm dilated ".Me, " That`s funny, I could`ve sworn she was full strength ".Funny look from the midwife. 8.20 am - " The baby is lying " face up ",it`ll have to turn before it can be born,it`ll probably take about 3 hours.I`ll get the gas and air for the labour pains ". 8.21 am - I`m put in charge of the gas and air.The midwife tells me to give it to my wife any time she asks. 8.22 am to 11.30 am - Much screaming,howling,mopping of brows, administering of gas and air,changing sheets,and passing water,( to drink that is ). 11.31 am - " The baby`s almost here,Mr Kell,one more shot of the gas and air ". 11.32 am - I lift the mask and take a big whiff.Midwife and student collapse laughing.Wife shouts " OOHHHAAAHOOHHHHH ". 11.33 am - Wahay,look at that,that`s a head that is. 11.33.5 am - " OOOHAAAHAHHAOOHAAHHAOAAHHAHAOOAHA " 11.34 am - POP!. Ooooh,look at that.It`s a boy,and look at the size of his...........no,hang on,it`s a girl and that`s the umbellical cord. 11.35 am - Quick wipe down,wrap up in blanket,and " There we are Mr Kell,you have a daughter ". 11.36 am - Sit down on chair while midwifes get on with the womanny bits,with a 7lb 4oz dark haired,green eyed,wide awake little bundle of Kell.Fight back a wee lump in the throat. 11.37 am to 6.00 pm - Generally sit about with baby,taking turns between us,examinations of mum and baby,everyone fine. 6.01 pm - Off home.Unbelievable.In the hospital for 10 hours or so altogether.Home at 6.45. Now that was a busy day. UP AND COMING SCI-FI MOVIES FOR THE AUTUMN SEASON ON BBC 1 ````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I`ve been given an exclusive preview of a series of classic science fiction B movies to be shown in the coming months on BBC 1.I was given this information from a contact at BBC 1`s London studios.He is employed as a forehead polisher on Eastenders and works regularly with Grant and Phil Mitchell and is currently in training for working with Mark Fowler in the very near future.He imparted this info to me on his mobile phone on Saturday afternoon as he attended a cast party with Gillian Taylforth at the studios.There was quite a lot of background noise going on,strange slurping and sucking noise,I think they must have had some drainage problems,but I reckon I got the most of the conversation. The season begins with THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN starring Cyril Smith, and follows up with a weighlifting sci-fi movie THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN. On the second evening we have a triple bill.There is firstly a revolutionary new concept of combining two films,BARBARELLA and BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED,followed by Jo Brand`s debut movie BEWARE THE BLOB. The third night sees Grace Jones in THE BLACK HOLE and John Noakes in A BOY AND HIS DOG. On the fourth day there is a matinee starring the offspring of a 70`s punk group,THE CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED,and in the evening Pamela Anderson`s second film THE CRACK IN THE WORLD. Fifth day opens with DARK STAR with Bill Cosby and continues with DEATHSPORT,a film about manual elephant constipation relief. On the sixth day DOC SAVAGE,MAN OF BRONZE starring George Hamilton IV opens the proceedings,followed at midnight by THE FANTASTIC HELMET featuring Linford Christie. The first week of the season concludes with a double bill of QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE starring Dale Winton,and THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN which stars David Haselhoff and was filmed on a very cold day. The second week of the season begins with Mike Tyson in THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN ALIVE,and continues with THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD starring Judith Chalmers.This one also includes details on how to get there and where to stay. On day eight there is an interesting triple bill starring Mel Gibson. It begins with MAD MAX,goes on to ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS MAX,and concludes with PURE DEAD MENTAL MAX YA BASTARD. Day nine opens with THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT starring Tom Hanks and continues with Arthur Scargill in THE PIT. On the tenth day Julio Inglasias stars in 2001,( think about it,I`ll wait ),and Michael Jackson in THE THING FROM OUTER SPACE. Day eleven starts early with DEATH RACE 2000,starring the BSM woman`s club,and ends with the teenage bike shed movie ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE. On the twelfth day Anneka Rice stars in ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES,and Ian Botham and Allan Lamb star in STAR TREK II:THE WRATH OF KHAN. Penultimate evening of the season opens with ALIEN starring Julia Roberts and finishes with Robert Downey Jnr in STARCRASH. Last evening sees Julio Inglasias back with 2010,( he managed another 9 since last week ),and the season concludes with Lenny Henry starring in I MARRIED A MONSTER FROM OUTER SPACE. I`m sure that these movies will almost certainly be every bit as entertaining as the rest of the current programming on BBC 1. WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN 100 facts on one of my favourite subjects 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. 19. A beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. A beer doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a beer in public. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. Beer looks the same in the morning. 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. Beer doesn't get cramps. 37. Beer doesn't have a mother. 38. Beer doesn't have morals. 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. Beer always listens and never argues. 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. Beer doesn't demand legality. 45. Beer is never overweight. 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. Beer never changes its mind. 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. Beer never asks you to change the station. 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. Beer is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. 62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into. 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. 71. Beer doesn't blow you off. 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. Beer doesn't mind football season. 75. A beer won't make you go to church. 76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 77. A beer doesn't think football is stupid simply because the guys spit. 78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around. 80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the babies are "cute". 81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station. 84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 88. A beer won't smoke in your car. 89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. 91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 2000 Olympic Games in Barcelona. 92. A beer is always ready to leave on time. 93. A beer never fishes for compliments. 94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. 95. Beer tastes *good*. 96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape". 97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't accuse you of it. THE BOB KELL TECHY INTERVIEW ------------------------------ BY BILL ELLIS One of the most often mentioned things about Bob Kell is that he knows nothing about the technical side of the ST.As regular readers will know Bob often makes a point of this when mentioning that you don`t need any of this type of know-how to be an Atari user.Having been introduced to the ST by Bob around six months ago,and now having a fair bit of technical knowledge myself,I felt it`s about time to test out whether he knows more than he`s letting on. Right Bob,let`s get down to software to start with.What`s your favourite desk accessory ? Well,I`ve used a few in my time Bill,but I`d have to say right now that the desk accessory that I`m using most,is the plastic pen and pencil holder.It`s so much better than having to rake through yer drawers every time you want to get one out. Tell me,what is your knowlegde of ASCII like. Ah,you`ve picked one of my favourites here.First name Arthur,born in the East End of London in 1902.Began his career in variety shows before moving on to radio,film and then television. Do you know anything about code ? Certainly.Large white-fish found in the North Sea and Northern Atlantic,especially good for deep frying. What sort of menu systems do you use ? Well,mondays we have steak pie,tuesdays it`s fish,wednesdays it a curry.thursdays a stir fry,fridays it`s pork chops,and weekends it`s McCewans Export. What do you find is the most helful thing regarding programming ? The TV times. Would you be able to give us an example of a FIELD STATEMENT ? On the hill there stood a coo.It must be away,`cos it`s no` there noo. When I look through your disk list I see you have lots of art stuff.Do you like drawing on your computer ? No,definately not.No matter what the makers say,those felt tips leave a helluva mark on yer keyboard. Which boot program do you prefer ? French and Saunders, Would you like it if you could open more windows at the one time ? Well,sometimes in the summer maybe.Trouble is all the bloody daddy longlegs get in.I once spent an hour chasing a daddy longlegs around the house,then I found I had a crack in my glasses. Do you use a replacement desktop ? Well I used to have a mahogany one but now it`s black ash.Very nice really. What does RAM stand for ? RAT ARSED on MACEWANS What does ROM stand for ? RARELY OFF MACEWANS Where do you get the addresses of most of your contacts ? Fiesta readers wifes. What kind of drive do you prefer ? Out in the counrty,open road,birds singing,lovely. Why do I feel that you`re not taking this interview seriously ? Okay, the other thing you`ve been criticised for is your views and writings in your mag.I`ll ask you about them.Would you agree that you are sexist ? Certainly not,and my wife would tell you that too,if she wasn`t busy right now re-pointing the chimney. Your mag is full of innuendos and double entendre`s.Is there any reason for this ? If you take a long,hard look at it,you`ll see I take the chance to slip one in whenever I can,but there`s not too much to get the hump about. What would you say was your favourite shell ? The giant conch,you can hear the sea and blow tooteroots too. At this point in the interview Bob fell off his chair laughing at his own jokes,so I decided enough was enough.Some day someone will get a serious interview out of him.Maybe. Bill Ellis. WHO`S THE BOSS Behold the lord made man, and the organs of his body argued over who should be boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss. The Legs argued that since they tiik manto all of the places he wanted to go, they should be boss. The Stomach countered with the suggestion that since he digested all of the food he should be the boss. The Eyes said without them man would be helpless so they should be boss. Then the Arsehole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so much that the Arsehole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach became ill and the Eyes became crossed and unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Arsehole the Boss. This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be a Boss: Just an Arsehole. COLIN`S MISTAKES ================== I expect many of you have heard of Colin`s Modern English Dictionary.I have only recently taken time to peruse this volume myself and I reckon Colin has made a few boobs,( much like Pamela Anderson`s doctor ),by not listing every meaning for any particular word.I have therefore taken it upon myself to list some of his errors.Anyone who would like to update their own version of this tome can feel free to copy up these alternative meanings. ASPECT - What you get when you bend over in a chicken run. ASPARAGUS - Term used by birdwatchers. "What`s that ?"," It`s a spara` Gus ". ACTUARY - Far east variation of actually. ADAMANT - 70`s pop singer. AEROFOIL - Inner wrapper on a bubbly chocolate bar. ANAGLYPTA - Ancient Egyptian form of writing using embossed paper. AROMATIC - Apache weapon dispenser. ARSENIC - Rusty razor blade." How was she poisoned "." She was shaving her l`,E$oI,)JEB?< NA)xE x h9hF2(I9AFB/@> NA"j)IEA W*j,Jf J-gRMJg"RE AfR&MRM Rf Gf Vf =fp#@JgN&IMaJf"JfB` _fj Pfd Bf^ PfX =fRYIJfLrpg:鉰<0e<<9dҀ`<Ae(<zd"<Fc<ae Ҁ`²$W`.Jfg&BN&IAp<}bB0,Ha(N|"@$ p lFep@)@E)IE"`BQ)IE`BQ ,Eo2V@l$)I[pB"Y"XI#I2B"2D)IED" XA"AJEfF" lFeT)AE ,D0BAHAR@&,D얁HCBCHCFC׬D.I/ S// / ?<?<JNAO NNN>`\O ,Eg/?<?<NMPO?<LNAJ =f8RNrtB0m| nҁ&ҁҁ҃҂`.g f Jg)AD NNu ,E",EIJe ЀЀNuNNNN:/>/ @gN G!e G9bp0 /HldNQPO`4 Gc Gd HlNQ~XO` GcHlNQlXO` HlNQ`XO.NuProtext Configuration ProgramIMSLRQInitial InstallationPress RETURN for a new installationMain configuration menuSave new configurationLoad configurationReset default configurationQuitProtext installation menuDPCLFDisc configurationSelect your hard disc or number of floppiesInstall PrintersOne or more printers may be selectedSet ColoursKeyboard LanguageChange this if the language shown is incorrectUse Gem File selectorAllows the Gem (or replacement) file selector to be usedCONFIG main menuELSMFPKDOEditing optionsLayout optionsSpelling checker optionsMemory optionsFile and disc optionsPrinter driver optionsKeyboard optionsDisplay optionsOther optionsPLTHFBSCNEORPage lengthThis is the physical paper sizeLine spacing1 is normal spacingTop marginThese lines are left blank at the top of each pageHeader marginThis will contain the header line or linesFooter marginThis will contain the footer line or linesBottom marginThese lines are left blank at the bottom of each pageSide marginThese columns are left blank at the left side of each pageContinuous printingOFF for single sheet printingNew page after printingON to eject the last pageHeadersWith page number in the centreFootersEdit default Ruler linePress RETURN to see and edit ruler lineIJWTSCPBAInsert or overwrite modeRight justificationWord wrapTabs & returns displayedSpaces displayedControl codes displayedWhen OFF Protext shows underlining, bold and italicsPage modePage Break displayAuto re-formattingWhen ON the text is automatically re-formatted when editedMiscellaneous optionsMTILBOSDPWCFADocument or program ModeThis mode is selected when Protext starts upProgram mode TabsEnter list of tab column numbers (*n means every nth column)Auto IndentApplies to program mode onlyLine drawing modeWhen ON, ALT + cursor keys draw linesBackups when savingCan be set to OFF if short of disc spaceStart in command modeFor experienced Protext usersSideways scrolling incrementThe number of columns scrolled when the cursor reaches the screen's edgeDecimal characterComma is used in most European countriesBackground printingSimultaneous printing and editing when ONAudible Warning disabledThe 'beep' sounded when certain errors occur or CTRL-f1 is pressedTurn off status line ClockSet to YES to turn off the clock displayDate FormatSelect one of three formatsSorting method for AccentsGoverns alphabetic sorting of accented characters12345QUPAMSDictionary 1Dictionary for spell checkingDictionary 2Dictionary 3Dictionary 4Dictionary 5Quick dictionaryThe dictionary held in memory for very fast checkingUpdate dictionaryNew words stored are put into this dictionaryDictionary PromptCommands such as LISTD, FINDW, ANAGRAM can ask for dictionary nameLookup accented charactersSet to YES if spell checking non-English languages (this is slower)Disable Mixed case warningSet to YES if using text with mixed case wordsSpell check whilst typingSTEDPXFSearch pathUsed to find dictionaries, printer drivers and help filesTemporary text pathUsed for storing temporary files when editing large documentsDefault Extension to loadIf filename is not found Protext tries again with this extensionDocument mode extensionsThese extensions switch Protext to document modeProgram mode extensionsThese extensions switch Protext to program modeAutoeXec file nameCommands in this file are executed when Protext starts up12SIUFile 1 memory sizeNumber of bytes (characters) allocated to 1st documentFile 2 memory sizeNumber of bytes (characters) allocated to 2nd documentSpell memory (/S)Number of bytes used by two pass spell checkMaximum Index words (/I)When creating a dictionary the maximum size is 20 times this (words)Undelete buffer sizeIncreasing this reduces the memory available for textDPSERLFDefault printer portThe printer port selected when you start using ProtextParallel printer driverThe printer driver assigned to the parallel portSerial printer driverThe printer driver assigned to the serial portSerial Delay (/D)Default is 1000. Increase this if missing characters on serial printerIgnore Reset codeSet this to YES to cure various printing problemsIgnore Line feedsSet this to YES if all printouts are double spacedForm feedsSet this to ON for laser printers/single sheetsLTCMKChange this if the language shown is incorrect for your keyboardKeyboard TypeChange this to use the IBM keypad layoutCTRL/ALT/SHIFT lockCauses shift keys to become 'sticky' and thus modify the next key pressedMouse on/off statusRedefine Keyboard layoutPress RETURN to redefine any key except shift and lock keysCMEOFBMLScreen ModeEdit mode cursor typeVariable height cursor is larger when insertingCommand mode cursor typeCursor Flash periodFull height cursor onlyScreen Blink timeSets speed of screen flash on errorMono background colourHi-res monitor only - use this to select black on white displayScroll Lock onCTRL-HELP changes the scroll lock stateStandard STIBM keypad layoutUSA EnglishUK EnglishFranaisDeutschEspaolItalianoSvenskaDanskNorskPortuguesIslandskNederlandsOVERWRITEINSERTBLACKWHITEAlways ONHidden until usedAlways OFFdd-mm-yymm-dd-yyyy-mm-ddSingle floppy disc ADual floppy disc A/BHard disc drive CHard disc drive DHard disc drive EHard disc drive FPARALLELSERIALPROGRAMDOCUMENTANGLO-GERMANSCANDINAVIAN011223Full heightVariable heightUse initial screen mode25 lines43/50 linesA:\B:\C:\PROTEXT\D:\PROTEXT\E:\PROTEXT\F:\PROTEXT\Amstrad DMP seriesFX80Amstrad LQ3500LQ3500Atari SLM804 with Diablo emulationSLM804DAtari SLM804 with Epson emulationSLM804EBrother HR15/HR25DIABLOBrother M1109/1409Brother M1224/1724/1824/1924LQ2500Citizen 120D+FX1000Citizen HQP40/45LQ1000Citizen Prodot 9Citizen Prodot 24/124DCitizen Swift 9Citizen Swift 24Diablo 630Epson DX100Epson FX80/100Epson FX80+/100+LX80Epson EX800/1000Epson FX800/850/1000/1050Epson GQ3500 laserGQ3500Epson GQ5000 laserGQ5000Epson JX80Epson LQ500/550Epson LQ800/1000/1500Epson LQ850/860/1050/1060Epson LQ2500/2550Epson LX80Epson LX800/86/850Epson RX80/100Epson RX800Epson SQ850/2550Epson SQ2000EPSON24Epson compatible 24 pin printerFujitsu 24 pin printerFujitsu M3349BEPSONGakken GPR2000QUENDATAHP DeskJetDESKJETHP DeskJet PlusHP PaintJetPAINTJETHP Laserjet (lettered cartridges)LASERJETIBM PC graphics printerIBM9IBM Proprinter (9 pin)IBM Proprinter X24 (24 pin)IBM24Juki 5510Juki 6100/6200JUKI6100Kaga Taxan KP810/KP910Mannesmann Tally MT85/86NEC P560/565NEC P5/P6/P7/P9 seriesNEC24NEC P2200 seriesOki Microline 290 seriesPanasonic KXP1124KXP1124Quendata DWP1120Qume Sprint 11 PlusQUME11Seikosha BP5420/5500Seikosha MP1350-AI/5350-AISeikosha SL80-AI/130-AISeikosha SL92/230-AISeikosha SP1200/1600Silver Reed EX32SIMPLEUKStar FR10/15Star LC10STARLC10Star LC10 ColourSTAR10CStar LC24STARLC24Star NB15/2410/2415Star NL10Star XB24Standard proportional daisywheelSTDDAISYStandard dot matrix in Epson modeStandard dot matrix with rev. lfStandard dot matrix in IBM modeSimple backspacing printerSIMPLESimple backspacing printer with CFGprotext.cfgcfg\PROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver qikdct%-.3s,%s ESC - %c - %-*u%-*lu...%-.*s%-.*s,...%-.3s%-.*s...%cPPD Protext CONFIG v%s 4.30%.24s %s%04X %5u '%c' %s %d (&%02x) %s ASCHEXDEC U S C A NL CL SA SC %c %04X %3u PROTEXT Doc %u quotes 32K Page 1 Line 5 Col 17 [] Insert L--!---!---!---!---!---!---!---!---!---R It is necessary to relax your muscleswhen you can. Relaxing your brain isfatal. [ When written in Chinese, the word'crisis' is composed of two characters:One represents danger and the other onerepresents opportunity.] PROTEXT v%s (c) Arnor 1989 >CAT LETTER 5K QUOTES 2K NOTES 9K README 4KNVH..N/N0BNe$Hx'N/zPO)@ZJgaaJfa/. /aPOJ,jgbaB,Fa' ,lroLrlF lZ@}Cr HA pf lZp"lZ)}"HC! 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RAHyHx??<@NAO /,ELENu  f `NAO NATO` ?/HE?<?/B?<BNA/@2/ ?ABo>BBg?Hx?<BNAO rJWD?A NAO p0LENu   /"_` "lELEJj$AD)@E|ClApfp)@EpNBEN /Jkp)@EN/2H@t `WWf(CQQ`дWWf CQQ g$Nu// "QS@t `| SAgU@c дgSAW  _ $NufNo room for configuration fileInvalid configuration file<< No File >>Protext CONFIG (c) Arnor 1990Abandon changes made (y/n)? ON OFFYESNO Bad filename%s. Press ESC to continue: Name of CFG file to load: Load failedName of CFG file to save: Save failedPrinter driver '%s' to be copiedInsert printer driver disc and press a key...Reading '%s'Writing '%s'Insert program disc and press a key...Failed to copy printer driverCurrent file: Use %c & %c to select options. RETURN, %c & %c to change. ESC to quit menuPrinter drivers. RETURN to select, %c for more, ESC to edit name directly.Change keyboard to language %dExpansion tokenCommand tokenIgnore tokenProtext keyboard configuration. Keyboard type %d, language %dPress key to redefine: Key number REDEFINED IN CFG FILECurrent settings: hex decimal ascii functionUnshifted: With SHIFT: With CTRL: With ALT: With NUM LOCK on: With CAPS LOCK on: With SHIFT + ALT: With SHIFT + CTRL: Type E to edit definition, C to clear, ESC to quit: Type E to edit definition, ESC to quit: CE Editing mode: %3s (TAB to change)Monochrome mode - cannot edit colours. Press a key ...Colour Selection This colour represents boldface This is how underlining will be shown And this will indicate italics h%22 f7f8f 9f(3f.H 8N}Db25f f,'w*d v"2 df2 rf2Hf2,f2:f2f2f 2f2Vf ()6,Bb ~$p./0 81F|234(50P60Xp .  8df9f:f<f=f >  Tgf ^hf r 4  ? .<z @ ~  @ 'z 4 R p b  4 N     N : ZO h O h O" h O$ h O& h / O(FPXHfbHj Ov O^OxO[O'w*@/ F jZ n r v8~  : d| Oh8jOX x N`7 = f, e&P|d f6  A5f" '~f. 't\Dt 'u\DS z HXf f &,6HT^hrfff f&(*,0268DTlvPROTEXT CONFIG FILE Ver C B .@2d,(>-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R*8EXFILEASMBASBATC CVTERRH KEYLSTMAKPASPPDPRNSRC DOCTXTarnorengarnorenguserarnore2user:BT\pTT*:LRd~LL 4LDPbpxpp<F^d^| 2L^fx &4>HZblv ^ . 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CLEAR text - are you sureGOTO P(age), L(ine) or C(olumn) number: Enter configuration file name: INK %u is %u ( = &%03x)Invalid parametersEnter drive letter: ERASE filename: RENAME old filename: RENAME new filename: MKDIR directory name: RMDIR directory name: COPY from (filename): COPY to (file or path): No file to copyCopying %s to %sNot enough memory for copyFile cannot be copied onto itselfSource name must not be a directoryTOUCH filename: Current date is Current time is Enter new date (mm-dd-yy): (dd-mm-yy): (yy-mm-dd): Enter new time (hh:mm:ss): Invalid dateInvalid timeInvalid directoryToo many open filesCurrently defined variablesUnknown stored commandUnknown microspacing methodString too longParameter(s) expectedNesting too deepVariable expectedEL without IFEI without IFCannot nest repeat loopsUN without RPCode sequence too longWrite file not openData file not definedData file exhaustedBad variable nameData item too longLine too longFilename expectedWarning - ignored commandStoppedUnrecognised HELP subjectCannot find COMMAND.HLPCOMMAND.HLPExpression too complexHexadecimal number expectedIllegal character in expressionNumber too longSyntax errorIllegal operatorVariable name too longUnknown variableMissing ')'Division by zeroSearching...Found: %luReplaced: %luFIND string: Too many wildcardsUnmatched wildcardsOptions are: All,Backwards,Case sensitive,Global,Spaces ignored,Word,numberEnter options (A,B,C,G,S,W,n): REPLACE with: ' not foundReplace (y/n/x)?Incomplete '!' expressionCannot find %s - Insert disc containing file and press a keyFatal error 1Memory error getting file buffersError creating fileError writing fileRepositioning..File already exists. Overwrite itLOAD filename: MERGE filename: SAVE filename: SAVEB filename: Enter new name: Enter extension: Abandon unsaved fileAbandon unsaved other file Enter expression: Result is:Press SPACE or 0-9 to insert into textAdd or Remove (A/R): 1st number: Increment: SIMPLEtoken is %d (&%04x), key number %dDrive does not existMACRO string to assign to key: KEY number (S=shift, C=ctrl, A=alt): words countedTYPE filename: EXEC filename: SPOOL filename: Spool file already openEnter printer driver name: Current CFG filename:PROTEXT STATUS INFORMATIONDictionaries for checking : Dictionary for updating : Page length : Line spacing : Top margin : Header margin : Footer margin : Bottom margin : Side margin : Continuous printing : New page after printing : Headers : Footers : Form feeds : Backups : Search path : Temporary text path : Default filename extension : Memory allocated to text : Memory used by SPELL : Maximum index pointers : Keyboard language : Keyboard type : Undelete buffer size : Background printing : TYPEWRITER MODEEnter text a line at a time then press RETURNQuick dictionary : ONOFFCannot open file '%s'SPLIT filename: SPLIT size: CODE - press required key (ESC to end): ACCESS filename: PROTECT filename: Invalid tabsCannot run external programUnknown variable: Press one of P, R, S, T, V, Many thanks as always to David Foster, without whom ...Press printer control code (A to Z) or marker (#, * or =)Non-break character. Press hyphen or spacePress marker number (0 to 9) or one of [ F L R ? ]CLEAR text. Are you sureCan't swap. Press ESC key. Type line drawing character: Please wait ...Warning - Unrecoverable text. Delete Press macro key, then key sequence (CTRL-f1 to end): Page %u. Press SPACE to print, RETURN to skip, ESC to endPRINTF output filename: PRINTF input filename: at lineSAVEA filename: Can't open output filePress ESC to editType CONT to continue printingRepeat buffer fullAbandon printer buffer contentsPrinter is on STOP with %lu bytes in bufferContinue printingFilling printer bufferLine buffer limit exceeded PROTEXT DocumentProgramAuto Indent On ESC for Command mode Line Macro RJ WW AutFm TypChk f3 for Menu SCR Page Ch Line Col No markers set Mks << No File >> CAPS NUM CAPS+N Overwrite Insert Box Wd-Wrap W-W off Right-Justify Justify Off ESC for Command mode Block not definedCursor in blockWarning - Box overwrite operation. ContinueDelete BOXOut of memoryBox too bigBadly formed box<< Current Text >><< Current Block >>Text too large - must spell check from disc file PROTEXT spelling checker. Checking: Options : S(tore), I(gnore), V(iew), C(hange), L(ookup), B(ack) Dictionary file '%.47s' not foundReading text ...Writing text ...Scanning text ...Sorting words ...Checking words ...Writing dictionary ...Table overflow in dictionaryToo many index wordsIndex pointer table overflowNot enough room for quick dictionaryError reading quick dictionaryScanning quick dictionary ...Loading quick dictionary ...No dictionaryBad dictionary fileChange to: Disc I/O errorStored word buffer fullText file too large - split it and repeat with each part Spell checking ... (Press ESC twice to stop) No matching words foundReplace all occurrencesoccurrences changedPress a number to select word, any other key to continue: Adding words to dictionaryin user word fileWarning - mixed upper and lower caseOptions: U(pper), L(ower), F(irst upper), I(gnore), C(hange), V(iew): Counting words in dictionary Words checked: Word is in dictionaryDo you want to re-load the documentNumber of words checked: Number of unrecognised words:Number of words changed: Number of words stored: WARNING : Text may need re-formattingmatching wordwordsDictionary name: Word to lookup: Find word pattern: Anagram word pattern: Text file name: Name of file with words to insert: Name of file with words to delete: Name of file to spell check: Build input file name: Build output file name: Name of dictionary to list: Start word: Output file: Name of dictionary to count: Dictionary 1 name: Dictionary 2 name: Output dictionary name: Searching dictionary ...SILCBVSILC ULFCIVRead errorCodes too longUnknown command%s in printer driver at line %uBad IF nestingWarning - missing ENDIF *2DIRD Confirm erase '%s'Enter file specification: MFADCNMFADCTREN[M]ap [T]ype [E]rase [R]ename [C] Copy file(s) [D]rive change [ESC] end A' 5FCNMTER#C5DEDisc free space: %ldKNot enough memory to map directoryTree overflowPlease wait while directory tree is scanned Use %c and %c to move to a directory, RETURN to select it, ESC to cancelNo PathUnnamedNew FileLASTUNRECOGNISED WORDUNRECWord too longSelect wordCANCELNumber of spaces to inset text: words in dictionaryCondition required Select with mouse or cursor keys/returnDocProg[RETURN] Open file/dir [A] Show all [TAB] format [F]ile spec. [N]ew dir.. Clear bufferTo finish press EscSaving fileUnwanted parameterExpands to: CONFIG.PRGCONVERT.PRGFSORT.PRGIBIFIL"IR  ! - L! !!!-!L- -!---L>>AVm8BM CCCE)CFx`COCPCS{|CWDA{XDCy@DFwDM{DPyDUqEAzEF EH EIkELkEMEN{XEP EXxFFFM jFN JFO FPFR{XFX GE{XHE XHM JIDjIErIFjIN|,IT{XIUk8L L!L-LF>LLLS \MC|MFMM}*MS,NCzNPHOC{ OF OH ,OMOP PA PEfPL PN 0POPPZPR}VPSPWRC,RJRPqRUtRVtSAzSKlSMSP{XST{SVySW{XTM *UNrbWCj2WFhWM|WT{ZM ppdZCEFNFOHEEFEHOFOH>>CO >-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!-------!----R  @ @ @@Y  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRS;<=>?@ABCD^_`abcdefghijklmnopqrKMuvG   abbbb(b4b@#/8<A  $(,048<@DHLPTX\`dh  $(,048<@DHLPTX\`dh T $$$xx<<Ey09?6C,?zGz??uOs;ZwH01M8O?FnCAy7Aׄ@È@Y@$No memory for expansion stringInsufficient memory for program to runFile '%.56s' not foundDisk error %dDisk fullBad filename '%.60s'Invalid pathPath not found or File already existsToo many files openCannot write to open input fileAccess denied - read only file or directoryNo room for copy stringPress any key to continue: Directory of same name existsFile '%s' is read-onlyFile '%s' already exists Press RETURN after inserting next sheet of paper, or ESC to stop printingYNX`jpvz"0BLXdrPlease insert disk for drive %c and press a key: Drive %c: %s. Abort or Retry : ARIBusOdd AddressInstructionDivisionCHKTRAPPrivilege You may be able to continue by pressing the UNDO key. A 68000 processor exception (%u) has occurred at address %06lx. This occurred OUTSIDE the current program. Description: %s Error. Prog limits: %06lx-%06lx. Offset: %06lx. Registers: a0=%08lx, a1=%08lx, a6=%08lx, a7=%08lx d0=%08lx, d1=%08lx Params: %08lx, %08lx, %08lx, %08lx Locals: %08lx, %08lx, %08lx, %08lx Lastframe: %08lx Ret Addr: %08lx  ((((( H ((((( H  (@b( Z,    "     6 z     "l8( < N$    x           B&    D4$$  2:v , : *4 ( ^   "      2  &r b8L| $* VX^,,0,,0,,,,,     "           .ZR>  L            .0000000\\,,,,,,0\0`000z00000x\\\`\\0`0000000\00000000\\\0xT2 L\ ~"""$ Desk Quit---------------------- Desk Accessory 1 Desk Accessory 2 Desk Accessory 3 Desk Accessory 4 Desk Accessory 5 Desk Accessory 6 PP $P +2 I ^ s   >--------------------------------------------------------------------R >>> WIDTHS.TST >>> This file is for testing the setting of the widths as set up in a printer >>> driver. When printed all the characters should line themselves up on both >>> outer margins. If the characters do not align, then check the character >>> definitions and re-do the widths. >>> NOTE. This file may print extra characters on some printers, for example >>> on daisywheels. >zm >bm 6 >pp on >ff on >>> Insert control codes below to set correct proportional font              . (width of space) !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! """""""""" """""""""" ########## ########## $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ %%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%% &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& '''''''''' '''''''''' (((((((((( (((((((((( )))))))))) )))))))))) ********** ********** ++++++++++ ++++++++++ ,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,, ---------- ---------- .......... .......... ////////// ////////// 0000000000 0000000000 1111111111 1111111111 2222222222 2222222222 3333333333 3333333333 4444444444 4444444444 5555555555 5555555555 6666666666 6666666666 7777777777 7777777777 8888888888 8888888888 9999999999 9999999999 :::::::::: :::::::::: ;;;;;;;;;; ;;;;;;;;;; <<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<< ========== ========== >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> ?????????? ?????????? @@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@ AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA BBBBBBBBBB BBBBBBBBBB CCCCCCCCCC CCCCCCCCCC DDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDDDDD EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFFFF GGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH IIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII JJJJJJJJJJ JJJJJJJJJJ KKKKKKKKKK KKKKKKKKKK LLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLL MMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMM NNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO PPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPP QQQQQQQQQQ QQQQQQQQQQ RRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRR SSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTT UUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUU VVVVVVVVVV VVVVVVVVVV WWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWW XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX YYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYY ZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZ [[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ ]]]]]]]]]] ]]]]]]]]]] ^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^ __________ __________ `````````` `````````` aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa bbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbb cccccccccc cccccccccc dddddddddd dddddddddd eeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee ffffffffff ffffffffff gggggggggg gggggggggg hhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhh iiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiii jjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjj kkkkkkkkkk kkkkkkkkkk llllllllll llllllllll mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm nnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnn oooooooooo oooooooooo pppppppppp pppppppppp qqqqqqqqqq qqqqqqqqqq rrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrr ssssssssss ssssssssss tttttttttt tttttttttt uuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuu vvvvvvvvvv vvvvvvvvvv wwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwww xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx yyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyy zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz {{{{{{{{{{ {{{{{{{{{{ |||||||||| |||||||||| }}}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}}}} ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ egs and gave her arse a nick ". BANDWAGON - Illegal vehicle. BAPTISE - Special knots for securing morning rolls. BARBARISM - The art of gentlemen`s hair dressing. BEAUFORT - Nice French military instillation. COCKCHAFER - Denim underpants. COCKSHY - Martina Navratilova. CRAPS - Result of drinking Guinness. DISTROPHY - Irish sports expression." Distrophy means a lot to me ". DYSENTRY - Lookout in the Jamaican Army. ELEGY - Something that makes posh people sneeze. ELIXIR - Form of oral entertainment for adults. ENDOMORPH - Tony Hart`s plasticine manny being run over by a bus. EPISCOPALIAN - A drunk from another Galaxy. FALLACY - Like a knob. FALSETTO - Like a real etto but just plastic. FAMISH - Person from Fam. FETLOCK - Device for keeping your fets safe. FINIS - Comes at the end of foreign films.I think it`s French for Crap. GHERKIN - Vinegar soaked anorak. GIBLETS - Young gibles. GLACIAL - Very cold cherries. GULAG - Keeps the frost off your goos. HAEMORRHOIDS - Old arcade game that took you so long to get anywhere that it gave you a sore bum. HEADMISTRESS - Nah......I`d better not. HERBICIDE - To kill a Volkswagen. HYPOCAUST - The attempt to kill of all fat African water mammals. ICEBERG - Jewish submarine commander who sunk the Titanic. INCARNATION - Ingredients of tinned milk. INNATE - A washing machine.( Bullseye ) IPECAC - Found in the bottom of an Ipe`s cage. JOCULAR - Vein in a Scotsmans neck. KIMONO - Yoko`s mum. KINSMAN - To dive,fall over. KUKRI - The art of boiling spuds. LATTICE - Irish salad vegetable. LEGEND - The foot. LEMON CURD - Yellow person from Northern Iraq. LEUCOTOMY - Operation to remove a toilet. MANICURE - Male medicine. MERINGUE - Scottish bakers expression." Is that a doughnut or am a wrang " METRONOME - Small green person on the Paris underground. NISSEN HUT - Japanese shed. NEGROID - Black person`s bum complaint. OFFAL - Nicky Platt`s acting on Coronation St. OOMIGOOLY - Bird with very short legs hence it`s call when it lands. ORGANISM - Very small animal`s sexual peak. PAELLA - Request in a Scottish bakery, " would you like another paella ?" PALPATE - Dog`s sandwich spread. PECTORAL FIN - Scandanivian with big boobs. QUANGO - Saturday afternoon wrestler circa 1970. RAMIFY - Make into sheep. RIPPLE - Infinitesimally small.Used especially in raspberry ice cream. RUMPLE - Beloning to the Bailey. SEBUM - A hole in the trousers. SEA URCHAN - Underwater Victorian orphan. SEMICONDUCTOR - Dwarf working on the buses. THESPIAN - Woman actor who really,really likes other woman actors. THOLE - Coronation St. expression of anger." I`ll give you kick up th`ole ". THONG - Chris Eubank`s idea of musical interlude. UREA - Written on every street map in Blackpool. USHERETTE - Young person at wedding. VEGAN - Baddie on Star Trek. VESPERS - Popular sixties scooters. VICHY WATER - Passed by some French on German invasion circa 1939. WICKERWORK - Travelling round the world. WILTON - Most annoying twat on telly. WOODCOCK - Little bit of Pinnochio. XEROX - What ze Froggies fish from. YEOMANRY - The art of making mashed potatoes. YODEL - Small,singing Jedi Knight. ZOOPHYTE - Punch-up at Whipsnade. I have forwarded this addendum to Colin but as yet have had no reply. IS CONVERSATION KILLING THE ART OF TELEVISION ================================================== In my job I meet some people who are not the brightest on Earth and sometimes I wonder if I`m in the right job.The following is an actual conversation between a guy called Paddy who collects Bonsai trees and a guy called Les who hadn`t heard of them.It took place a week before Christmas last year and went like this. Paddy - I got a beatiful tree last night,it`s one of the best one`s I`ve seen.I`m going to put it in the window. Les - Window`s the best place right enough,I`ve got mine there. Paddy - I didn`t realise you collected them too Les. Les - ( looking slightly puzzled ) Well I don`t collect them,I`ve only got the one. Paddy - Oh,just started.I had to throw my first one out,it died.But I`ve got seven now. Les - ( looking even more puzzled ) Seven,you must have one in every room of the house. Paddy - No,I have them all in the living room. Les - Why do you have so many? Paddy - I just like them.The one I got yesterday is the best though.Mind you I paid sixty quid for it. Les - WHAT! SIXTY QUID! Paddy - Sure,you`ll pay that for a good one. Les - Mines only cost four pound fifty.( looking flabbergasted ) Paddy - Four pound fifty? It can`t be a very good one for that money. Les - Bloody is.Did you get the decorations with yours? Paddy - Decorations? What are you talking about? Les - Well for sixty f**king quid I`d want the decoration and lights and everything. Paddy - What the f**k are you talking about decorations. Les - For your bloody Christmas tree. Paddy - ( penny dropping ) I`m not talking about Christmas trees,I`m talking about f**king Bonsai trees. Les - ( silent pause ) Well you wouldn`t catch me with one of those f**king artificial things. The conversation went on but I think that`s about the gist of it.I wonder sometimes you know,I really do. Who says Kelstar is sexist? Fighting the women`s corner The "why cu_CUM_bers are better than men" list ============================================== - the average cucumber is at least seven inches long - cucumbers stay hard for a week - a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count - cucumbers don't get too excited - a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety - cucumbers are easy to pick up - you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket - ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home - you only eat cucumbers when you feel like it - no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too - cucumbers can get away any weekend - with a cucumber you can get a single room - ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber - a cucumber will always respect you in the morning - you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie - at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat - a cucumber can alwsays wait until you get home - a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get more beer - a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival - a cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?" - cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin - cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin - cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin - with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once - cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall - cucumbers don't have sex hangups - cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on - cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts - you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle - cucumbers never need a round of applause - cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times? - cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski/tennis instructors - a cucumber won't want to join your support group - a cucumber never wants to improve your mind - cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations - cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one - a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator - a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over - no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber - cucumbers can handle rejection - a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache - a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is - a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet - with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry - cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow - cucumbers won't give you a hickey - cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot - Afterwards, a cucumber won't: want to shake hands and be friends say, "I'll call you a cab." tell you he's not the marrying kind tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist take you to confesion - cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month - a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore - cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him - a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away - a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink - a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat - with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season - cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car - a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors - a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library - cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest - a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray - cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor - cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub - a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet - a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower - with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it - cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold - cucumbers can't count to "10" - cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair - a cucumber will never leave you for another woman for another man for another cucumber - a cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." and then come home with the smell of Channel No a 19 on him - a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt - you always know where YOUR cucumber has been - you won't find out later that your cucumber: is married is on penicillin or have AIDS likes you, but loves your brother - a cucumber never has to call "the wife" - cucumbers never have mid-life crisis - a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move - cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on holiday - cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do - a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party - you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber - a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve - a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde - cucumbers never want to take you home to mom - a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family - a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school - a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually - cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers - a cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy." - a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian - it's easy to drop a cucumber - a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything. The following is a story that I wrote a long time ago.It went down quite well at the time and I`ve been asked to re-run it for the benefit of anyone who missed it first time around.There are another two in this series and if anyone wants,I`ll run them in the future. SAM SHOVEL PRIVATE EYE ++++++++++++++++++++++++ THE CASE OF THE MALTESE FALCON 040 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The rain pounded relentlessly on the bonnet of the car as I pulled into the kerb in front of the office.The headlights barely penetrated the darkness,which was strange because it was only lunch time.I slammed the door and trudged into the lobby of the building.I had two dollars in my pocket and had not had a case for three months......the penicillin and hot knitting needle treatment must have worked.I looked in my pigeon hole,yep my pigeon was still there."Hello Mrs Applegate",came a voice,it was Bill the buildings maintainance man.He peered in my direction,squinting his face."Have your eyes ever been checked",I asked him wearily."No they've always been blue"he replied.I sighed and continued on my way.I began to ascend the stairway to my floor and had gone up a few steps in a kind of catatonic daydream before I realised,there were wet footmarks on the B&Q linoleum.Each one consisted of a small oval shape and a nickle sized dot.It was either a flat toed,one clawed,North Bornean,tree climbing,ant eating,cat shagging sloth......or a woman with stilettos,or a man with stilettos for that matter.In fact I had heard that Bill the maintainance man was gay,but I didn`t think so,he always seemed a misarable guy to me.I followed the footprints up the stairs and over the landing.....right up to my office door.The door was ajar.........or it used to be before I had it melted down,ironed out and turned into a door.I eased the door open and the smell of cheroots met my nostrils,introduced themselves and went back about thier business."Sam Shovel I presume",said a husky voice.This took me completely by surprise as I had never heard a talking Husky before.The dog was being held by a tall,voluptuous woman,wearing dark glasses,with a white cane in her other hand,and a copy of a Stevie Wonder album under her arm,and an "I love Geordie La Forge" lapel badge.She slapped the dog.The dog responded by biting her on the hand.She reached into her pocket and slipped the animal a biscuit.I said to her "That`s nice of you,being kind enough to give him a treat after he bit you"."Not at all",she replied,"I`m just finding out which end his head is at,I`m going to kick his arse just now".......She introduced herself......."My name is Lady Anditramp,and I may have a job for you".This was getting interesting."My family own a huge electronics empire,and one of our most trusted workers has stolen something from us......we want it back"."Why don`t you just report the matter to the police,I`m sure they would be only too happy to deal with it",I replied."Let`s just say,I would rather the item is recovered privately......I am willing to pay you a lot of money for your assistance." This explanation seemed suitable."In that case,why me",I asked."Well it is Wednesday,half-day closing,you`re the only one open".This also seemed a plausible reason.During the time we talked I looked her up and down,she was wearing a very low cut dress and bosom was impressive to say the least,her chest looked like Telly Savalas with a middle parting and it looked as though a great echo could be achieved by shouting down her cleavage."Please