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Ne) e Helptext for Menu-Title 'Text' -----Load Text---- open... Loads a text file into a free buffer. replace Replaces current text with it's last saved version. merge... Merges a text file starting at pointer position.-----Save Text---- ... with backup Saves current text renaming previous file to '*.DUP'. ... without backup Saves current text overwriting previous file. ... as... Saves current text after entering a file name.-----Save Block--- ... as... Saves block region after entering a file name.------------------ Quit TEMPUS Leaves TEMPUS and returns to parent process. Helptext for Menu-Title 'Marks' -----Jump Mark---- Jumps to the specified mark if existing.  Mark >A<  Mark >B<  Mark >C<  Mark >D<  Mark >E<-------Set-------- Sets the specified mark at pointer position. ... Mark >A< ... Mark >B< ... Mark >C< ... Mark >D< ... Mark >E< Helptext for Menu-Title 'Search' Search string... Opens a requester for search parameters. Repeat search Repeats search with same parameters. Search & Replace... Opens a requester for search & replace parameters.----Jump position----  Line... Opens a requester for a line number.  Page... Opens a requester for a page number.  Top of text Jumps to top of text.  Bottom of text Jumps to bottom of text.  Top of block Jumps to top of block.  Bottom of block Jumps to bottom of block.  Last position Jumps to last position. Helptext for Menu-Title 'Block' ----Mark block--- Set beginning Defines the start of block at pointer position. Set end Defines the end of block at pointer position. Invert marks Inverts block marks. Clear marks Clears block marks.-Block operations-- Move block Moves defined block and it's marks. Copy block Copies defined block and it's marks. Clear block Clears defined block and it's marks. Helptext for Menu-Title 'Print' -------Print-------- ... whole text Prints whole current text. ... Block region Prints block region. print line numbers Turns printing of additional line numbers on/off.---Installations---- ... Use current Takes over the installation partameters defined in the current text into the installation buffer. ... Save to disk Saves the installation buffer as 'TEMPUS.INS' to disk. Helptext for Menu-Title 'Special' --------Tabs--------- Expand text Turns all tabs into spaces. Shrink text Turns all possible spaces into tabs.-------Fonts--------- ... Load 8*16... Loads 8*16 font from disk. ... Load 8*8... Loads 8*8 font from disk. ROM-font Switches to ROM-font.--Window positions--- ... Overlay Displays windows in maximum size on top of each other. ... Side by side Displays windows in maximum height next to each other. ... Underneath Displays windows in maximum size above each other.--------------------- Cross reference list Opens a requester for creating cross references. RPN calculator Brings up the RPN calculator window. Function keys... Opens a requester for the function key definition. Helptext for Menu-Title 'Mode' Insert mode Typed-in characters are inserted in text. Replace mode Current text is replaced by typed-in characters. Auto indent Automatic insert mode for program structuring.-----Font size------- ... 8*16 matrix Selects large font size. ... 8*8 matrix Selects small font size (only in monochrome mode).--Character mode----- ... inverted Inverts the current character display mode. Line length Set new line length (20-255). Page length Set new page length (1-999). Paging Set the offset which is add while paging through text. Tab width Set new tab width (1-99). Tab width 5 Sets tab width to 5. Tab width 8 Sets tab width to 8.[3][Useless system environment!][to Desktop][3][Unforeseen case!|Please send a detailed|description of how you|provoked this case to CCD.|Thank you!][Cancel][3][TEMPUS does not work|in lo-res!][to Desktop][1][Search failed!|Searched string not found|in defined region.][Cancel|Repeat][2][Unknown text file!|Text file named 12345678.123|does not exist!|Create new file?][ Yes |No][3][Out of memory!!|The selected command cannot|be executed due to lack of|memory.][Cancel][3][Line too long!!|The selected command cannot|be executed since the maximum|line length would be exceeded.][Cancel][1][The selected command is not|useful in the specified way|and is therefore canceled.][Cancel][3][Clear blocks cannot|be recovered!][Cancel|Clear][3][Sorry, not able to open any|additional windows.][Cancel][3][Uninstalled demo version!][ Ok ][3][Disk full!!!|Save terminated. Please insert|other disk and retry.][Cancel][2][Search & Replace selection| |Replace text at cursor?][Yes|No|Cancel][2][Line length problem!|Text has 123456 too long|lines due to new line length|( 123 char/line).|Do what?][Cut|Wrap|Cancel][1][123456 occurences replaced.][continue][1][Sorry, can't undo!][continue][1][Line 123456 restored!][continue][3][Check printer!][Repeat|Cancel][2][Terminate print?][No| Yes ][2][Replace text?][Yes| No ][0][Disk Z: information|Size: 123456789 KBytes|Free: 123456789 KBytes|Used: 123456789 KBytes|1234 folders &1234 files.][continue]*.FNT.DUPnot usedtempus.insSave text as...Load font...IOp: Eliminate textIOp: Save text with backupIOp: Print textIOp: Move blockIOp: Clear blockIOp: Save block as...IOp: Print blockIOp: Open text...IOp: Merge text...IOp: Reeliminate textno icon operationsIOp: Move iconLoadSaveNew page length:New line length:To page:To line:[3][Syntax error!][Cancel][3][Number > 255 ($100) !][Cancel][3][Multiple definition!][Cancel][3][Installation too big!][Cancel]PREAMBLEPOSTAMBLEENDLINEBEFORELINEBEFOREPAGEAFTERPAGE:=Cross reference list for  Total: 12345678DISK DRIVEPRINTERBLOCK REGIONTRASHCANBlock startBlock endText startText end>Alt F1<>Alt F2<>Alt F3<>Alt F4<>Alt F5<>Alt F6<>Alt F7<>Alt F8<>Alt F9<>Alt F10<>Sft F1<>Sft F2<>Sft F3<>Sft F4<>Sft F5<>Sft F6<>Sft F7<>Sft F8<>Sft F9<>Sft F10<>>F1<<>>F2<<>>F3<<>>F4<<>>F5<<>>F6<<>>F7<<>>F8<<>>F9<<>>F10<< TEMPUS Text editor version 1.10 8-16-1987-------------------------OKText informationText name Lines Length/Byt c/lnot used -- -- 160not used -- -- 160not used -- -- 160not used -- -- 160available space: Bytes One moment please... ...reorganizing text buffer.Name conflict!!!A text file with the same namealready exists on disk.Do what?ReplaceCancelAppendRenameText lines too long!!!Loaded text contains123456 too long lines;(maximum line length: 123456 characters.)Handle lines how?WrapCancelCutAdapt line length______999999__99New tab width:___X99Paging offset:___999Function key definitionAdditional key:SHIFTALTERNATEF1F2F3F4F5F6F7F8F9F10Short:_________XXXXXXXXXText:________________________________________________XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXDoneSearch string and replaceJoker: '_'?Wildcard: '_'*_____________________________________________________XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXSearch below string:X... and replace by followingDistinction caps/no caps:YesNoSearch region:Block regionChoice regionwhole textChoice region:Ending line:______999999Beginning line:______Search start:at cursorDirection:CancelSTARTQuantity:onceselectabletotal  Text Marks Search Block Print Special Mode Help TEMPUS...--------------------------Load Text------ open... replace merge...------Save Text------ ... with backup ... without backup ... as...------Save Block----- ... as...--------------------- Quit TEMPUS------Jump mark-------  Mark >A<  Mark >B<  Mark >C<  Mark >D<  Mark >E< ---------Set---------- ... Mark >A< ... Mark >B< ... Mark >C< ... Mark >D< ... Mark >E< Search string... Repeat search Search & replace...------Jump position------  Line...  Page...  Top of text  Bottom of text  Top of block  Bottom of block  Last position -----Mark block------ Set beginning Set end Invert marks Clear marks--Block operations--- Move block Copy block Clear block---------Print--------- ... whole text ... Block region print line numbers-----Installations----- ... Use current ... Save to disk---------Tabs--------- Expand text Shrink text--------Fonts--------- ... Load 8*16... ... Load 8*8... ROM-font---Window positions--- ... Overlay ... Side by side ... Underneath---------------------- Cross reference list RPN calculator Function keys... Insert mode Replace mode Auto indent------Font size------- ... 8*16 matrix ... 8*8 matrix----Character mode---- ... inverted---------------------- Line length 160 Page length 72 Paging + 0 Tab width 8 Tab width 5 Tab width 8Cross reference listOutput at the end of text...Number of entries per line:___999CancelStart__________________________________________XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXPath:A:\A:\A:\A:\A:\A:\A:\ 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123 12345678.123FilenameTimeDateFile length *.* File selection for*.**.TXT*.PAS*.DOC*.C*.BAS*.MOD*.ASM*.S*.HCancelFilename:________.___FFFFFFFFFFF+ DECANDHEXORBINXOROCTNOTNEGCLXENTERQuit TEMPUSModified, but not saved texts: BAKcancelexitsavePREV PAGENEXT PAGE LINELINE  WORDWORD RT SEARCHCLR LINELAST POSCLR BMARK       H$mI @``@ 0 ?8HWH* 0`@ ˀȀ8???????????????????????? ? @@  9 t % % 9 % % 9t@ ???>`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`*`|||<||t8(\H$WcPVӛPVc0C^0-~' 0I .40=N 0HN 0HN# 0HNB 0H͎͹++\jw1 ! 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H ~8 >b482>,j4  L (   2^"d   0  *$  , 0 $& .f660>$0    ( b >&  * .B>h &*B""8@$*$L4.D& >l>>>??X??@@f@@A+AeAAAB2BPBBBC.CYC}CDDTDDE EgEEF2FWFFFG.GtGGHHsHHI IIIIJJ3JJJKKXKKKL1LkLLM8MNN*N\NNOOgOP6PPQQAQrQQQQRR1RRSLSSST'TiTTU"UXUUUV VbVVW!WQW|WWXXOXuXXY Y.YYYYZZTZZ[5[b[\\F\\];]]^^L^^__]___`D`p``a1apaabAbbbc@cde eHeeef*fYffg'gnghij>j\jjjk%kwkklUllmmLmwmmn-nmnnooNoooppepq qSqqr!rursMssttZttuuuv v_vvw4wwxx=xnxxxyy,ylyyz z/zizz{{d{||^||}(}a}}~~?~~5u6r*n!EZA1hIjQw<YDy Gy4teV'k9@ IDE 2: Kpfe: _____99999@ Sektoren: _____99999@ Zylinder: _____99999@ IDE 3: Kpfe: _____99999@ Sektoren: _____99999@ Zylinder: _____99999Hilfe TT SVR4CSCSI 0: _pCSCSI 1: _pCSCSI 2: _pCSCSI 3: _pCSCSI 4: _pCSCSI 5: _pCSCSI 6: _pCSCSI 7: _pBisher lediglich untersttztvon TOS und vom TT SVR4 Unix__9Der Computer erhlt in derRegel die hchste IDHilfeAbschalten fr TOS < 1.06__9Hilfe1Mindestzahl an Partitionen: _9Nur relevant fr C: und nachfolgende Kennungen 51232768 Bytes pro Sektor nur erlaubt mit TOS 4.0xMomentane maximale Sektorgre:00000Hilfe000Zeit in Minuten bis Auto-Sleep: ___999000Zeit in Sekunden bis Auto-Park: ___ CookieST A Fortune cookie program for the Atari ST, STe & TT computers (c) 1992 by Matija Grabnar Struck by the absence of a really good cookie program for the Ataris, I decided to write my own and make it postcardware. If you use this cookie program regularly, please send a postcard to: Matija Grabnar Kristanova 2 61000 Ljubljana Slovenia The use of the program is simple. 1. Copy the file cookiest.prg to your AUTO folder. 2. Copy the cookie file you wish to use to wherever it will cause the least troubles. 3. Run index.prg. 4. A file selector will appear. Use it to find the cookiest.prg. 5. You can now set your preferances and indicate the location of the data file. 6. Press the save button to save the chosen options into the program. Available options are: Display countdown : Cookiest normaly displays the countdown which will tell you how many seconds you have left until the program terminates. If you don't like that, you can turn it off here. Once per day : Some people don't want to see more than one fortune per day. If you select this option, CookieST will only display a fortune the FIRST time you run it on any given day. Note that your boot disk must *NOT* be write protected for this to work. Wait for ... seconds : After the program terminates, the booting process usually deletes the text. Depending on how fast a reader you are, you can set the display time for the fortune in seconds. Add ... seconds per line: Some fortunes are long and some are short. Use this setting to prolong the display of the fortune depending on the number of lines displayed. Please note that you will not be able to reconfigure the program if you've used any of the compressor programs to compress the executable. I have included two cookie files, COOKIE.DAT and QUOTE.DAT. If you are short of space on your boot disk, you will probably want to use COOKIE.DAT, but of course QUOTE.DAT is much more fun. Error messages appear as fortunes. The fortune If a file is not found, it can not be opened. - Confucious means that the file you have chosen for your fortune file is no longer where it was supposed to be. Run INDEX.PRG and find the data file again. The fortune: Changing a file without reindexing is a sign of sloth. - Confucious means that you have made a change in your fortune file and the index file may no longer be valid. Run INDEX.PRG and choose the data file again. It will be automatically reindexed. If you look at the fortune file format, you will see that it is very simple, so you can create your own fortune files. However, if you send $10 (10 DEM for Europeans) and a blank formatted floppy, I will return the floppy with a 543873 byte long cookie file and the latest release of the CookieST package. If you have a quotations file you would like to use, but you don't know how to reformat it, I will be happy to do it for you, as long as the format is not *too* brain-damaged. Just put the file on the floppy and follow the above procedure. Matija Grabnar Internet:Matija.Grabnar@ijs.ac.mail.yu (This will probably change soon) BIX: matija X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00X00Bus 00: ********************Bus 01: ********************Bus 02: ********************Bus 03: ********************Vorhandene Partitionen beibehaltenOKAbbruch Gerte-ID und Partition OKAbbruch Einstellungen fr IDE-Platten (auer ATAPI) IDE 0 MULTIPLE R/WBootdiskette erzeugenIDE 1 MULTIPLE R/WIDE 2 MULTIPLE R/WIDE 3 MULTIPLE R/WHDDRIVER modifizierenOKAbbruch Bootparameter Prferenz:Bootlaufwerk gem SCSI-IDSCSI-ID:OKAbbruch Gerte konfigurieren *SCSI-Level:SCSI-1-CCSLesecacheSchreibcacheParity-Check'Unit `(N3``+@>>> TURBO-C <<<< for ATARI-ST Version 2.0 (C)88-90 Borland International &H f&op`B@#+3+ k #+ Ј<.@?#+Jy+ g<"@(I$k,"Jf"JfB// ?<?<JNAO A6<HCBB`6 !jBJ)gHiRC` "fSI "WJAkHiRCBSQJ)gHiRCHy`$ON 0 J"LN ? 9(g @N 9(g @NNF?<LNA/ / $H&IfUO,H&I(o*o"6"fM(E0r fC( JNJ`"K JN@G g "L KNt JN KN093ް|g|0m/Ho"K JN&:PO`HW"K JN& XOfJCfBW"J MNtp\ MNX,H fp: MNX,H gRNB"K MN0TOL|NuH0&H6$IHjN%&XO2H ЀЁ5s5sL NuH>O,HB@N&6trN(0NI0N l?(?(?(4(r B@N%\OC( NN&H LrB@N%HoXHo^HodCj TN%O ?/X?/\?/`?/d?/`?/d4/h2/jB@N%XO TBh\?/X?/\?/`4/dr B@ TN%\O gBE`BBC NN,Hp.NX*HC(NtC( NN*H"Mrp JN"Mrp JNMP T0(DH"N#V"N# Th\g4:(\1@\"N TpNhVn?.?.?.4r B@ TN%\O KN:R| f KN:R"Mr JpNRCR|fr0H$BA MpNT"Mrp JN KN MN?/X?/\?/`?/d?/`?/d4/h2/jpN%XO ?C(AN 0TOApN%OdL|8Nu/ E/FN$5@R@gZp` 2A5R@| m5|Hy/Hy/CAN%PO5@5@4Hy/^C JN$lXOp`B@$_Nu09/N$XN$NuH0O$HC(ApQG0RC( JN& gBCx SN:R@fA(pN%`\R70gBC`JCf,RC70fBA S NT"SrplANx0+m J@f k\n `A)!pN%pOL xNuH8OEG(HoHy)eB@AN8POJ@gC / p. 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?<@NAO Jk b Nuab3(pNu0<`///6?<?B?<BNAO (Bg?/<?<BNAO *Bg?/?<BNAO JWH*(&NuD@| |"b;NupNu   JgJgJgJgJg JgJgJfSHggggg ggf @Nug fC`Jg INuSHNu g<g8g4g0g,g(g$g ggggg ggf @Nu"HJgJgJgJgJg JgJgJf SNu"SefBJgSf ANuH0$H|g|$bG@rtgJ3kSJgtJ@f"p <0f:pgb<߶<Xf(pf"`N|f<0fg><߶<Xfg.G3d"3d&HCHCJCfԃԁd` & gSJ"L Nu3"(p` 3!(p& g"`"CB@f ANu//"4UB|"bZC"t&HCJCf&HC;0NRBH@B@H@f`$?&8BCHC06H@0HC;0&RBJf8QB" _&Nu3!(`0123456789abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz "HJf" SgSI`!Sj @Nu?/ $HpJWF6RaL g"Hf I$_6Nu/ EB@BA2g2g!2ep` p`Jfp$_Nu// &gPR<e:/avJg*`4C* g*g"@ f`"/?<INA\OJj` pNugp`/ G* g/ &S?<INA\O`G* g/ &S?<INA\O`&_NuH0$< CE* g" c $@ f`&@ +gb*"Ҩeg ` 'H`p"@")Ө 'H`>"@ gb" ҩeg`N"(ө`" "H" ҩf @"(ө" k eb$/ ?<INA\OJfQL NuP`<0< SHNu  !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>?@ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_`ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ{|}~@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@::::::8888888888888888888866666644444444444444444444@  !"#  !"#$jD BJjD$HBJBf"$HBJBf $jDNuHBЂ$jDNuHBЂ$jDNu$jD"BJjD$HBJBf4$HBJBfH@B@H@$ jDNuB@H@HB0@0H@0H@$ jDNu AH@r2B@tЀӁd҈рӁQF@$ jDNu?<NATONu??<>NAXONu??/?<WNAO Nu?/?<GNAPONu?/?<=NAPONuA3BhBhre`r33/ C32dBi3| Cp 2Q"<$psNB _03A5~"op,2QA5p 2QNu34~85~51@ 0"<*psNBA5~0Nup `bp`\#6A4~000000p*`8/ #634~p,a$"_2"o2Nu#634~p2`#6A4~0000000 0 0p3`/ #6p6a"_2"o2"o2"o 2Nu#634~p4`#6pn`po`/A4~00ppaz"_"8Nu/ /pMaf"_2"_2"o2"o2Nu#634~pN`>#6#6pZa,"o2Nu#6#6#6p[a "o2Nu33@@A C3B@22220<"<&NBA5~0Nu334~5~68 COOKIESTCONFIG\:APlease choose a file*.*r.NDXwb+[1][Total of %d cookies indexed!][Great]rb+[3][This does not seem to be COOKIEST.PRG][Exit][3][Find a later version of Cookie config][OK]Find the cookie fileCOOKIE.DAT[3][Please indicate a file|with an extension|other than NDX][Sorry]index.rscFind COOKIE.PRG[3][ Can't find Rsc-File ! ][ Exit ] ERROR, GEM can't Start ! *>*>*>*34~85~5xpath0rxinsel0_PgmSize+_DigCnvT"V_GemParB3_VdiParB*_ChrCla1!V_MemCluL*_AesCtrl&\_MemBlkL*_VdiCtrl$_BasPag+writebunlinkwork_out/^work_in/Fultoastrcpytv_opnvwk$lstrrev~strcatstatus0Nstruprstrdupstrlenremovereadstrtoulsprintf 0strcmpiv_clsvwk$XstrncpystrrchrXstricmpptsout.Fptsin-Fprintf rsrc_fre%rsrc_loa%rsrc_gad%open&phys_han/partpath0VOutBlank.OutZero$main malloclseekobjc_xywobjc_dra%objc_off%&isattyindexintout,Finit/open_vwo`intin+Fhandle/getcFopen$JfopenfselfseekTfflushpFclose$fclosefwritefreefreadxexit^fgetcget_dataerrno(encodebdial0Jdecodeisdigit Hform_do%Fform_ale%form_dia%Xform_cen%contrl+.fullpathcookie0Rclosefind_indfreopengl_hwbox/gl_hwcha/ap_id/event_lofsel_exi&:gl_hhbox/graf_mou&fsel_inp& close_vwgl_hhcha/graf_han%_ldiv#Fdatime$*__text_exitl__bss+Dgetpath$<_app+ _fpuco*_lmul#VDgetdrv$_AtExitV(__data(appl_exi$appl_ini$_fpuvect*_FreeAllF_PrintF b_fpumode*$_OutStrp_fpuinit _StkSize@_fpuctrl*&_StdOutF*_StdPrnF*_OutIntD_StkLim+_FlshBufp_OutChr`_OutCarO_OutCarHv_OutCarDd_StdErrF*_StdAuxF*_FillBuf_UpcTab V_StdInF*(_InsFreB|_TmpFilF*_FilSysV(_RedirTa+_XltErr_FilTab1r  8$ " 2 ,& : ( *  * $   $ F T" p & &     D2Vz  "h& >\ ,< B 4R*:*    ,$ ( QDB1ܾ,Trr$ r,8 6T6p           ! 4  P 3l . q-qr  -./RS#T`a bop Once per dayExitSaveDisplay countdown:-) COOKIE CONFIGURATOR (-:__5___999WAIT FORSECONDS__5___999ADDSECONDS/LINEPath Copyright 1992 by Matija GrabnarVersion 1.0Now indexing!!0579=AEIMQUY]bdfkmo'%%!&(*57 9DF HSU Wbd fz|~+  !24#6:E Ibdflrx#Glendower: 'I can call the spirits from the vasty deep.'|Hotspur: 'Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them?'| - William Shakespeare: Henry IV, Part I, act iii, scene i '1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.|2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.|3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog|4) We won't need reservations.|5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.|6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.|7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.'| - Famous last words '1) If it should exist, it doesn't.|2) If it does exist, it's out of date.|3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.'| - Arnold's Laws of Documentation '1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.|2) If it stinks, it's chemistry.|3) If it doesn't work, it's physics.'| - Handy Guide to Modern Science '1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.|2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.'| - Abbott's Admonitions '1) Never tell everything at once.'| - Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life '1) When in charge, ponder. |2) When in trouble, delegate. |3) When in doubt, mumble.'| - James H. Boren: Guidelines for Bureaucrats '2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.'| - Grabel's Law 'A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.'| - Don Quinn 'A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes.'| - Fontenelle 'A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.'| - Senator Everett Dirksen (1896-1969) 'A book may be compared to the life of your neighbor. If it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.'| - H. Brooke 'A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, will tell you.'| - Bert Taylor 'A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.'| - Unknown 'A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.'| - Granville Hicks (1901-1982) 'A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.'| - Herbert Prochnow 'A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'A cliche is a bright new original thought with tenure.'| - Unknown 'A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm.'| - Henrik Ibsen 'A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.'| - Ludwig Erhard 'A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.'| - Arthur Bloch 'A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.'| - Gregory Nunn 'A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.'| - German Proverb 'A couple months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple hours in the library.'| - Unknown 'A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car.'| - Kenneth Tynan 'A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.'| - Aesop 'A cynic is a person searching for an honest man with a stolen lantern.'| - Unknown 'A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.'| - Unknown 'A detective digs around in the garbage of people's lives. A novelist invents people and then digs around in their garbage.'| - Unknown 'A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.'| - Hermione Gingold (1897-1987) 'A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.'| - Robert Frost 'A dirty book is seldom dusty.'| - Unknown 'A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.'| - Franoise Sagan 'A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.'| - Harver's Law 'A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.'| - Unknown 'A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. '| - Wilson Mizner 'A fool must now and then be right by chance.'| - Unknown 'A friend in need is a friend to dodge.'| - Unknown 'A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.'| - Unknown 'A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.'| - Wilson Mizner 'A good man is always a beginner.'| - Martial (c.40-c.104) 'A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.'| - G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) 'A good workman is known by his tools.'| - Proverb 'A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.'| - William James 'A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence.'| - Unknown 'A hospital is no place to be sick.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'A human being is capable of any amount of work as long as it's not the work he's supposed to be doing at that time.'| - Benchley's Law of Human Dynamics 'A human is a zygote's way of reproducing itself.'| - Unknown 'A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.'| - Frank Capra 'A hungry man is not a free man.'| - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 'A jealous woman believes everything her passion suggests.'| - John Gay: The Beggars Opera 'A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.'| - Robert Frost 'A king's castle is his home.'| - Unknown 'A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.'| - The Unknown Hacker 'A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a simple way.'| - Donald O. Hebb 'A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.'| - Jane Austin 'A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.'| - Robert Frost 'A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake, at the moment.'| - Willis Player 'A lie in time saves nine.'| - Unknown 'A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong.'| - Unknown 'A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Hydrogen, n.: A light, colorless, odorless gas that, given sufficient time, turns into people.'| - Unknown 'A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.'| - Bismarck 'A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time.'| - Teyve 'A little ignorance can go a long way.'| - Gerrold's Law||'...usually in the direction of maximum harm.'| - Lyall's Addendum 'A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.'| - H. H. Munro, "Saki" (1870-1916) 'A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.'| - Donald Trump 'A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.'| - Unknown 'A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.'| - 'Fats' Domino 'A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.'| - Carrie Snow 'A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.'| - Arthur Schopenhauer (1786-1860) 'A man can no more possess a private religion than he can possess a private sun or moon.'| - G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) 'A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.'| - Navajo saying 'A man feared that he might find an assassin;|Another that he might find a victim.|One was more wise than the other.'| - Stephan Crane 'A man is a critic when he cannot be an artist, in the same way that a man becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier.'| - Gustave Flaubert 'A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares.'| - Elbert Hubbard 'A man is as young as the woman he feels.'| - Unknown 'A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things.'| - Thomas Carlyle 'A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist."|"However," replied the universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."'| - Stephan Crane 'A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well.'| - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 'A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.'| - Herman Melville 'A man who is always ready to believe what is told him will never do well.'| - Gaius Petronius 'A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned precious to any human society.'| - Frederick the Great. 'A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.'| - Segal's Law 'A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.'| - Vique's Law 'A man's feet should be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world.'| - George Santayana 'A man's got to know his limitations.'| - Clint Eastwood: Magnum Force 'A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems.'| - Paul Erds 'A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.'| - Dorothy Canfield Fisher 'A motion to adjourn is always in order.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.'| - James Feibleman 'A nation is just a society for hating foreigners.'| - Olaf Stapledon 'A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.'| - Alexander Hamilton 'A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating, because 300 people choke to death on food every year.'| - Dixy Lee Ray 'A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else in the world.'| - Edmond & Jules Goncourt 'A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.'| - Dwight D. Eisenhower 'A person who laughs at the boss's jokes doesn't necessarily have a sharp sense of humour - But certainly has a keen sense of direction.'| - Farmers Almanac 'A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.'| - George Wald 'A piano is a piano is a piano.'| - Gertrude Steinway 'A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.'| - Unknown 'A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'A President cannot always be popular.'| - Harry S. Truman 'A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.'| - Miguel de Cervantes 'A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.'| - Joey Adams 'A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbor notice it.'| - Trygve Lie 'A real friend isn't someone you use once and throw away. A real friend is someone you can use again and again.'| - Unknown 'A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.'| - Antoine de Saint-Exupery 'A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.'| - John Tudor 'A sadist is a person who is kind to a masochist.'| - Unknown 'A ship is always referred to as "she" because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder.'| - Chester Nimitz 'A shotgun wedding is a matter of wife or death.'| - Unknown 'A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.'| - Joseph Stalin 'A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.'| - Mark Ardis, The One Page Principle 'A stitch in time saves nine.'| - Alexander Pope 'A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.'| - Unknown 'A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author.'| - S. C. Johnson 'A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.'| - Krueger's Observation 'A team should be an extension of the coach's personality. My teams were arrogant and obnoxious.'| - Al McGuire, former basketball coach 'A technique is a trick that works.'| - Gian-Carlo Rota 'A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.'| - W. C. Fields (1880-1946) 'A used key is always bright.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.'| - Tenessee Williams 'A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.'| - Goldwyn's Law of Contracts 'A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.'| - Jim Samuels 'A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top .'| - Unknown 'A wise man first determines what is within his control; all else is then irrelevant.'| - Epictetus 'A witty saying proves nothing.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.'| - Fannie Hurst 'A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.'| - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) 'A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.'| - Jane Austin 'A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end.'| - F. Schubert 'A young man with good health and a poor appetite can save up money.'| - James Montgomery Bailey 'Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.'| - Ronald Reagan 'About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.'| - Herbert Hoover 'Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.'| - Unknown 'Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.'| - Unknown 'Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right.'| - Unknown 'Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.'| - Tenth Law of Computer Programming 'Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts.'| - H. H. Munro, "Saki" (1870-1916) 'Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Adultery is the application of democracy to love.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Adventure is simply memory, imagination, and a touch of fantasy.'| - Joan Bosveld 'Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.'| - Unknown 'Advice is free; the right answer will cost you!'| - Unknown 'Advice is like kissing. It costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do.'| - H. W. Shaw 'Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least.'| - Earl of Chesterfield 'After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.'| - Unknown 'After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.'| - P. J. O'Rourke 'After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.'| - De la Lastra's Corollary 'After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.'| - Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.) 'After the final no there came a yes, and on that yes the future of the world depends.'| - Wallace Stevens 'After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.'| - De La Lastra's Law 'After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.'| - Farnsdick's Corollary 'After three days, fish and guests stink.'| - John Lyly (1554?-1606) 'After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'| - Ronnie Shakes 'AGB - Add Garbage'| - The Unpublished Assembly Mnemonics #479 'Alas, I am dying beyond my means.'| - Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 'Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it.'| - Peggy Joyce 'All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: | | A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.| A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.| A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.'| - The Bicycle Law 'All children paint like geniuses. What do we do to them that so quickly dulls this ability?'| - Picasso 'All general statements are false.'| - The Ultimate Law 'All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.'| - Alexandre Dumas fils 'All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.'| - Kingfish 'All is flux, nothing stays still.'| - Heraclitus 'All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a penis or vagina.'| - Florynce Kennedy 'All law is codified revenge.'| - Unknown 'All life is six to five against.'| - Damon Runyon (1884-1946) 'All men are equal; it is not birth, but virtue alone, that makes the difference.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'All modern thought is permeated by the idea of thinking the unthinkable.'| - Michel Foucault 'All of God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.'| - Fran Lebowitz 'All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.'| - Bobby Knight 'All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than the animals that know nothing.'| - Maurice Maeterlinck 'All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.'| - Unknown 'All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.'| - Unknown 'All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its means.'| - Samuel Butler 'All reformers, however strict their social conscience, live in houses just as big as they can pay for.'| - Logan Pearsall Smith 'All that is gold does not glitter, |Not all those who wander are lost; |The old that is strong does not wither, |Deep roots are not reached by the frost.'| - J. R. R. Tolkien: Lord Of The Rings 'All the fortunes spent on death cannot buy me one more breath of life.'| - Unknown 'All the men on my staff can type.'| - Bella Abzug 'All the wastes in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.'| - Ronald Reagan 'All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.'| - Sean O'Casey 'All things are only transitory.'| - Gethe 'All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.'| - Schmidt's Observation 'All warfare is based on deception.'| - Sun Tzu Wu 'All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.'| - Klipstein's Lament 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.'| - Allen's Law 'Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it.'| - Satie 'Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.'| - Cyril Connolly 'Always be smarter than the people who hire you.'| - Lena Horne 'Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Always do what you are afraid to do.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.'| - Finagle's Third Rule 'Always keep a record of data. It indicates that you've been working.'| - Finagle's Second Rule 'Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why... then go out and do it.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Always store beer in a cool, dark place.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she isn't.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Always tell the truth. You may make a hole in one some day when you're alone on the golf course.'| - Franklin P. Jones 'America is a fortunate country. She grows by the follies of our European nations.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.'| - Georges Clemenceau 'Amusement is the happiness of those who cannot think.'| - Alexander Pope 'An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it.'| - Paul Valry 'An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.'| - Unknown 'An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.'| - Unknown 'An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows everything there is to know about nothing.'| - Nicholas Murray Butler 'An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them.'| - Werner Heisenberg 'An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.'| - Simon Cameron (1799-1889) 'An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.'| - Unknown 'An ideal committee: Four to six people who haven't much time for the job, and one who likes to run things his own way.'| - Unknown 'An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.'| - Konrad Adenauer 'An intellectual is a person whose mind watches itself.'| - Albert Camus (1913-1960) 'An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.'| - Second Law of Infernal Dynamics 'An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.'| - First Law of Infernal Dynamics 'An object never serves the same function as its image - or its name.'| - Rene Magritte 'An object will fall so as to do the most damage.'| - Law of Selective Gravity 'An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience'| - Donald R. Perry Marquis 'An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.'| - John Junor 'An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.'| - Peter's Placebo 'An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.'| - Proverb 'An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.'| - Robert A. Humphrey 'An uneducated child and a trained astronomer, both relying on the naked eye and their twenty-twenty vision, will literally see a different sky.'| - Herman Tennessen 'Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.'| - E. B. White (1899-1985) 'Anarchy - it's not the law, it's just a good idea.'| - Unknown 'And perhaps at some later date it will be pleasant to remember these things.'| - Vergil (70-19 B.C.) 'And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'| - John F. Kennedy 'And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.'| - Stan Dunn 'And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span?'| - Matthew 6:27 'And you may ask yourself "Am I right? Am I wrong?" And you may say to yourself "MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"'| - The Talking Heads 'And [The Lord] shouldest destroy them which destroyeth the earth.'| - Revelation 11:18 'Another victory like that and we are done for.'| - Pyrrhus 'Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.'| - Unknown 'Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.'| - Soren Kierkegaard, Dansish Philosopher (1813-1855) 'Any employee speaking Spanish during working hours will be paid in pesos on payday.'| - Unknown 'Any excuse will serve a tyrant.'| - Aesop 'Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.'| - Samuel Butler 'Any given program costs more and takes longer.'| - Second Law of Computer Programming 'Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.'| - First Law of Computer Programming 'Any idiot can understand computers, and many do.'| - Unknown 'Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.'| - Eighth Law of Computer Programming 'Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the draught.'| - Dwight Morrow 'Any product cut to length will be too short.'| - Klipstein's Observation 'Any program will expand to fill all available memory.'| - Fifth Law of Computer Programming 'Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.'| - Kurt Vonnegut 'Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.'| - Unknown 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a well rigged demo.'| - Unknown 'Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.'| - Clarke's Third Law 'Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.'| - George Ada (1866-1944) 'Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.'| - W. C. Fields (1890-1946) 'Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.'| - Unknown 'Anyone can hate. It costs to love.'| - John Williamson 'Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.'| - Al Capp 'Anyone who cannot be replaced, cannot be promoted.'| - Law of Advancement 'Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable substitute who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory.'| - Leonardo da Vinci 'Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.'| - Douglas Adams: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 'Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.'| - Edward R. Murrow 'Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.'| - Groucho Marx (1895-1977) 'Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.'| - Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom 'Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.'| - Unknown 'Anything anybody can say about America is true.'| - Emmett Grogan 'Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.'| - Wyszkowski's Second Law 'Anything free is worth what you pay for it.'| - Unknown 'Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.'| - Pardo's First Postulate||'Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.'| - Arnold's Addendum 'Apart from the known and the unknown what is there?'| - Unknown 'Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones.'| - C. C. Colton 'Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation. So let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions standards for man-made sources.'| - Ronald Reagan 'Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?'| - Unknown 'Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.'| - Kehlog Albran: The Profit 'Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth.'| - Pablo Picasso 'Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'| - Unknown 'Artificial intelligence? I'll be impressed when they invent artificial cunning.'| - Unknown 'As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.'| - Anita Bryant 'As a student I learned from wonderful teachers and ever since then I've thought everyone is a teacher.'| - Bill Moyers 'As any politician will tell you, you can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, and usually that's enough.'| - Robert Orben 'As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.'| - Robert Benchley (1889-1945) 'As I read the rejection notice, I heard something behind me... It sounded like a Universe... giggling.'| - Unknown 'As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.'| - Dick Cavett 'As long as there are sovereign nations possessing great power, war is inevitable.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.'| - Josh Billings (1818-1885) 'As scouts and sentries, baboons are reputedly better than Indians, although a cowboy-and-baboon movie is too much for us to expect from television.'| - Unknown 'As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away, if it is bad, it happens.'| - The Unspeakable Law 'As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'As usual, your information stinks.'| - Telegram to Time magazine from Frank Sinatra 'As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep you eyes upon the donut, and not upon the hole!'| - Quote from Dr. Murray Banks 'Aside from being tremendous, it was one of the most aesthetically beautiful things I have ever seen.'| - Donald Horning, of the first atomic bomb test 'Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, and vagueness is all.'| - Bernard Levin 'Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying.'| - Fran Lebowitz 'Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so.'| - John Stewart Mill 'Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs.'| - Unknown 'Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.'| - George Washington 'Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.'| - Pat Paulsen 'Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'| - Unknown 'Astronomy compels the soul to look upwards and leads us from this world to another.'| - Plato 'Astronomy offers one of those pleasures which follows the law of increasing, rather than diminishing, returns. The more you develop it, the more you enjoy it.'| - Viscount Grey 'At 50 everyone has the face he deserves.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.'| - Emo Philips 'Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.'| - Plato (427?-347 B.C.) 'Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people.'| - Philip Guedalla (1889-1944) 'Automatic' simply means that you can't repair it yourself.'| - Mary H. Waldrip 'Avoid running at all time.'| - Satchel Paige (1906?-1982) 'Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic'| - Proposed MS-DOS error message 'Bad habits are like a comfortable bed - easy to get into but hard to get out of.'| - Unknown 'Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.'| - George Jean Nathan 'Bad taste is timeless.'| - Unknown 'Baloney is flattery so thick that it can not be true and blarney is flattery so thin that we like it.'| - Bishop Fulton J. Sheen 'Ban the bomb - save the world for conventional warfare.'| - Unknown 'Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds.'| - Unknown 'Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.'| - Wernher Von Braun. 'BASIC, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.'| - Hackers Dictionary 'Be blissfully guided by the veritable urge!'| - Siegfried Javotnik 'Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Be careful what you set your heart upon - for it will surely be yours.'| - James Baldwin 'Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.'| - Unknown 'Be content with your lot; one cannot be first in everything.'| - Aesop 'Be excellent to each other.'| - Ruffus: 'Bill and Ted's Excelent Adventure' 'Be happy. It is a way of being wise.'| - Colette 'Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down.'| - Wilson Mizner 'Be not so bigoted to any custom as to worship it at the expense of Truth.'| - Johann Georg Von Zimmermann 'Be pleasant until ten o'clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself.'| - Elbert Hubbard 'Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss!'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here.'| - The lost Star Trek tapes 'Beam me up, Scotty - it ate my phaser.'| - The Lost Star Trek Tapes 'Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin-skinned people.'| - Richard Armour 'Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.'| - Unknown 'Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.'| - Unknown 'Beauty times brains equals a constant.'| - Beckhap's Law 'Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes."'| - Clare Boothe Luce 'Because I'm the programmer. That's why.'| - Midnight Programmers 'Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability in the Middle East.'| - Jimmy Carter 'Bedfellows make strange politicians.'| - Unknown 'Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Before you kill something make sure you have something better to replace it with; something better than political opportunist slamming hate horseshit in the public park.'| - Charles Bukowski 'Behavior modification is the manipulation of environmental conditions to which an individual is exposed so as to bring about a desired behavioral response.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'Behind each beautiful wild fur there is an ugly story. It is a brutal, bloody and barbaric story. The animal is not killed, it is tortured. I don't think a fur coat is worth it.'| - Mary Tyler Moore 'Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.'| - Unknown 'Behind every great fortune there is a crime.'| - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850) 'Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.'| - Maryon Pearson 'Being a pain in the ass is a prerogative of the creative mind.'| - Unknown 'Being an Egyptologist necrophile means putting your mummy where your mouth is.'| - Unknown 'Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.'| - Unknown 'Being kissed by a man who didn't wax his moustache was like eating an egg without salt.'| - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) 'Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.'| - Andr Gide 'Belladonna, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Best of all, it turns off'| - Computer users motto 'Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.'| - David Chambless 'Better to reign in hell than serve in heav'n.'| - John Milton 'Between cheap and expensive is the truth.'| - Anonymous 'Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.'| - Mae West (1892-1980) 'Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.'| - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 'Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.'| - Matz's Warning 'Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.'| - Stanislaw Lec 'Big Brother Is Watching You'| - George Orwell (1903-1950): 1984 'Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.'| - Unknown 'Birth, copulation, and death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks.'| - T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) 'Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.'| - Herbert Hoover (1874-1964) 'Blessed are those who expecteth nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.'| - Albert Collis 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for rightousness sake, for they shall die of malnutrition.'| - Albert Collis 'Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a mighty bloodless substitute for life.'| - Robert Louis Stevenson 'Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.'| - Kin Hubbard 'Boy, n.: Noise with dirt on it.'| - Unknown 'Boy, the things I do for England.'| - Prince Charles on sampling snake meat 'Brain, n.: An apparatus with which we think we think.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Bribe, n.: The offer of material wealth in exchange for illicit actions.'| - Unknown 'Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.'| - Unknown 'Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.'| - Unknown 'Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.'| - Unknown 'Business is a good game, lots of competition and a minimum of rules. You keep score with money.'| - Nolan Bushnell, founder of "Atari" 'By definition, when you are investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will find.'| - The Ultimate Principle 'By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.'| - Unknown 'By our readiness to allow arms to be purchased at will and fired at whim, we have created an atmosphere in which violence and hatred have become popular pastimes.'| - Martin Luther King, Jr. 'By the time you can do a job perfectly, it is boring.'| - Dobson's Dilemma 'Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.'| - Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister 'Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.'| - Ogden Nash 'Capital punishment is either an affront to humanity, or a potential parking space.'| - Unknown 'Care of the poor is incumbent on society as a whole.'| - Spinoza 'Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero!||(Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!)'| - Horace 'Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.'| - Unknown 'Cats are like Baptists. They raise hell, but you can't catch them at it.'| - Unknown 'Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.'| - Jeff Valdz 'Celibacy is not hereditary.'| - Guy Goden 'Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there.'| - Clare Boothe Luce 'Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you. If you don't bet, you can't win.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Change is avalanching down upon our heads, and most people are utterly unprepared to cope with it.'| - Alvin Toffler 'Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.'| - Henry B. Adams 'Chaste makes waste.'| - Unknown 'Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.'| - Unknown 'Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.'| - Unknown 'Chess and poker between them sum up the human psyche. Chess is the supreme game for itself, just as Poker is the supreme game for stakes.'| - Unknown 'Chicken Little only has to be right once.'| - Firestone's Law of Forcasting 'Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.'| - Unknown 'Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'Chocolate is the universe's way of apologizing for entropy.'| - Unknown 'Cigarette smoking is a major cause of statistics.'| - Message in fortune cookie 'Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.'| - Unknown 'Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.'| - Roman Polanski 'Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one can do without thinking about them.'| - Civilization Law C1 'Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.'| - Toynbee 'Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.'| - Phyllis Diller 'Clear writers assume, with a pessimism born of experience, that whatever isn't plainly stated the reader will invariably misconstrue.'| - John R. Trimble 'Cleopatra's nose, had it been shorter, the whole aspect of the world would have been changed.'| - Blaise Pascal 'Clothe an idea in words and it loses its freedom of movement.'| - Egon Friedell 'Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.'| - Herb Caen 'Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.'| - Rene Descartes 'Cogito cogito, ergo cogito sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Cogito, Ergo Spud: I think, therefore I yam.'| - Unknown 'Coincidences are spiritual puns.'| - G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) 'Cold, adj.: When the politicians and lawyers walk around with their hands in their own pockets.'| - Unknown 'College isn't the place to go for ideas.'| - Hellen Keller 'Columbus may have discovered America, but the Japanese are furnishing it.'| - Unknown 'Come quickly, I am tasting stars!'| - Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne 'Comets are the nearest thing to nothing that anything can be and still be something.'| - National Geographic Society 'Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.'| - Hackers Dictionary 'Comment is free, but facts are sacred.'| - C. P. Scott 'Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is Genius.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Common-looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the lord makes so many of them.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.'| - Grossman's Misquote 'Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient.'| - James Russel Lowell, American editor (1819-1891) 'Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.'| - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) 'Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.'| - James Magary 'Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.'| - David Ferrier 'Computing is interacting with the other victims.'| - Unknown 'Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.'| - Unknown 'Concepts without precepts are empty. Precepts without concepts are blind.'| - Immanuel Kant 'Confound these ancestors... they've stolen our best ideas!'| - Ben Jonson 'Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.'| - Unknown 'Consciousness is that which it is not, and is not that which it is.'| - Sartre 'Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.'| - John Stuart Mill 'Conservative, n: a statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.'| - Bernard Berenson (1865-1959) 'Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.'| - MacDonald's Second Law 'Contentment, even in poverty, brings happiness; discontent is poverty, even in riches.'| - Chinese Proverb 'Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.'| - Unknown 'Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, `If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'| - Lewis Carroll 'Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.'| - Unknown 'Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?'| - George Price 'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)'| - Unknown 'Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.'| - Wernher von Braun 'Creation is not a thing gods do, it is something that they are.'| - Unknown 'Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training.'| - Anna Freud 'Creditors have much better memories than debtors.'| - Unknown 'Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.'| - Charles Lamb 'Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.'| - Alfred E. Newman 'Critics are like eunuches in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.'| - Brendan Behan 'Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth too deeply... For fear will rob him of all if he gives too much.'| - Alan Paton 'Cute rots the intellect.'| - Garfield 'Cynicism - the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.'| - Russell Lynes 'Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.'| - Lillian Hellman 'Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.'| - Unknown 'Death is just a distant rumor to the young.'| - Andy Rooney 'Death is life's answer to the question "Why?"'| - Unknown 'Death is nature's warning to slow down.'| - Unknown 'Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.'| - Charles Bukowski 'Death: To stop sinning suddenly.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Decay is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.'| - Buddha's last words 'Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.'| - Bill Musselman 'Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.'| - Laurence Peter 'Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.'| - Robert Byrne 'Democracy is finding proximate solutions to insoluble problems.'| - Reinhold Niebuhr 'Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.'| - Unknown 'Democracy is measured not by its leaders doing extraordinary things, but by its citizens doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.'| - John Gardner 'Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.'| - Unknown 'Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people, by the people for the people.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Dense, unenlightened people are notoriously confident that they have a monopoly on truth.'| - Joshua Loth Liebman 'Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.'| - Unknown 'Describe a circle, stroke its back and it turns vicious.'| - Ionesco 'Design flaws travel in groups.'| - Unknown 'Difference of religion breeds more quarrels than difference of politics.'| - Wendell Phillips 'Dimensions will be expressed in the least usable terms. Velocity, for example, will be measured in furlongs per fortnight.'| - Unknown 'Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Diplomacy is using your head without anyone suspecting it.'| - Unknown 'Diplomacy ... the art of restraining power.'| - Henry Kissinger 'Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking what no one else has thought.'| - Albert Szent-Gyorgi 'Discretion is the salt, and fancy the sugar of life; the one preserves, the other sweetens it.'| - Bovee 'Distance lends enhancement to the view.'| - Thomas Campbell 'Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?'| - Philip K. Dick 'Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)'| - Walt Whitman 'Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.'| - Finagle's Sixth Rule 'Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.'| - Unknown 'Do Not Disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.'| - Tim Bedore 'Do not flame without flame-retardant computers!'| - Unknown 'Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.'| - Unknown 'Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.'| - Unknown 'Do not meddle in the affairs of programmers, for they are subtle and will make your paycheck bounce.'| - Unknown 'Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.'| - Unknown 'Do you not know, my son, with what little understanding the world is ruled?'| - Pope Julius III 'Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.'| - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), in 1960 'Doctrine is nothing but the skin of truth set up and stuffed.'| - Beecher 'Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.'| - Unknown 'Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.'| - Mary Bly 'Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.'| - Robert Byrne 'Doing easily what others find difficult is talent; doing what is impossible for talent is genius.'| - Henri-Frdric Amiel 'Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.'| - David Lloyd George 'Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.'| - Murphy's Military Law #15 'Don't be humble. You're not that great.'| - Golda Meir (1898-1978) 'Don't be silly, Ninety-Nine. We have to shoot, kill, and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.'| - Maxwell Smart (From the TV show 'Get Smart') 'Don't be so proud - you're not an intelligence until you pass a Turing test.'| - Solomon Short 'Don't be too critical of a mistake. It is evidence that at least somebody tried to do something.'| - Unknown 'Don't bother to agree with me - I've already changed my mind!'| - Graffiti 'Don't eat yellow snow.'| - W. P. Kinsela 'Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.'| - Anthony's Law of Force 'Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.'| - Al Capone (1899-1947) 'Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.'| - Last words of Pancho Villa 'Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!!'| - Unknown 'Don't panic!'| - Douglas Adams: 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' 'Don't steal - the IRS hates competition.'| - Unknown 'Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.'| - Laurence Coughlin 'Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.'| - Unknown 'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.'| - Charles Schultz 'Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.'| - Mosher's Law of Software Engineering 'Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.'| - Unknown 'Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work.'| - Gallagher 'DOS is user-indifferent; UNIX is user-hostile.'| - Unknown 'Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'Doubt is the beginning of wisdom'| - Unknown 'Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.'| - Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980) 'Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.'| - William Dement 'Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.'| - Carl Zwanzig 'Due to the current economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.'| - The Management 'E = MC * 3d6'| - AD&D dice rolls for nuclear detonation 'Each time we changed our environment, our environment changed our behavior, and our new behavior demanded a new environment.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'Eagles may soar, but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine.'| - Unknown 'Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.'| - Unknown 'Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well.'| - Willi Hastings 'Economists are people who work with numbers but who don't have the personality to be accountants.'| - Unknown 'Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.'| - Laurence Peter 'Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.'| - Will Durant 'Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.'| - William Butler Yeats 'Eeny meeny, jelly beanie, the spirits are about to speak.'| - Bullwinkle J. Moose 'Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Eighty percent of success is showing up.'| - The Eighty Percent Principle Redux: Woody Allen 'Eighty-seven percent of all people in all professions are incompetent.'| - John Gardner 'Einstein said that God does not play dice with the universe! But all evidence points to the proposition that God is, indeed, an inveterate gambler. He throws the dice to determine the outcome of every observation.'| - Stephen Hawkins 'Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.'| - Unknown 'END - Employ Neutralizer Device'| - The Unpublished Assembly Mnemonics #666 'Enough research will tend to support your theory.'| - Law of Research 'Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls it science.'| - Edwin Powell Hubble 'Error 100: Please wait, system undergoing metamorphosis.'| - Unpublished Error Codes 'Error 96: Dead mouse in hard drive.'| - Unpublished Error Codes 'Error 97: Disk drive turned to pudding - command aborted.'| - Unpublished Error Codes 'Error 98: System not plugged in - command aborted.'| - Unpublished Error Codes 'Error 99: Fatal error - the CPU just slagged itself - system halted.'| - Unpublished Error Codes 'Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.'| - Hermann Hesse 'Even a good horse can only wear one saddle.'| - Unknown 'Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.'| - Unknown 'Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Even lawmakers are subject to the laws of physics.'| - Unknown 'Even rats learn from experience.'| - George Skarbek 'Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.'| - Unknown 'Even when he was playing with a full deck, I had the feeling that it was stacked against him.'| - Unknown 'Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?'| - The Joker: 'Batman - The Movie' 'Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.'| - Unknown 'Every age is fed on illusions, lest men should renounce life early and the human race come to an end.'| - Joseph Conrad 'Every age is modern to those who are living in it.'| - Justice Benjamin N. Cardozo 'Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist after he grows up.'| - Pablo Picasso 'Every crowd has a silver lining.'| - P.T. Barnum 'Every day, people are straying away from the Church and going back to God.'| - Lenny Bruce 'Every exit is an entry somewhere else.'| - Tom Stoppard 'Every generation is born as ignorant and as willful as the first man.'| - George Santayana 'Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'Every God ever worshipped devoutly in the hearts of men is the One True God.'| - Unknown 'Every government is run by liars and nothing they say should be believed.'| - I. F. Stone 'Every great man has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.'| - Dwight Eisenhower 'Every heart that has beat strong and cheerfully has left a hopeful impulse behind it in the world, and bettered the tradition of mankind.'| - Robert Louis Stevenson 'Every hero becomes a bore at last.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.'| - F. M. Colby 'Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.'| - Arthur Schopenhauer 'Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.'| - Ernest Hemingway 'Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.'| - Robert Orben 'Every person who has mastered a profession is a skeptic concerning it.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Every reign must submit to a greater reign.'| - Seneca 'Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.'| - Albert Camus (1913-1960) 'Every society honours its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.'| - Mignon Mclaughlin 'Every study of the gods, of everyone's gods, is a revelation of vengeance toward the innocent.'| - John Irving: A Prayer For Owen Meany 'Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success'| - Unknown 'Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.'| - Gore Vidal 'Every time an artist dies, part of the vision of mankind passes with him.'| - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945) 'Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.'| - Harden's Law 'Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.'| - Beckett 'Every year we pass the anniversary of our death.'| - B. Banzai 'Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Everybody is interesting for an hour, but few people can last more than two.'| - V. S. Naipul 'Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.'| - Arthur Miller 'Everybody understands Mickey Mouse. Few understand Herman Hesse. Hardly anyone understands Einstein. And nobody understands Emperor Norton.'| - Malaclypse the Younger, K.S.C. 'Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.'| - Joe Louis 'Everybody's playing the game, but nobody's rules are the same.'| - Unknown 'Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.'| - Howe's Law 'Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'Everyone in Germany is a National Socialist - the few outside the party are either lunatics or idiots.'| - Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) 'Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.'| - Edgard Varese 'Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.'| - Unknown 'Everyone lies about sex.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.'| - The Peter Principle 'Everyone wants to be normal, but no one wants to be average.'| - Unknown 'Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.'| - Luis Cernuda 'Everything bows to success, even grammar.'| - Unknown 'Everything costs more and takes longer.'| - Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules 'Everything depends.'| - Langsam's Law 'Everything goes wrong all at once.'| - Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law 'Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Everything in excess! Moderation is for monks.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Everything in life is a hallucination. Everything in death, too. The universe is just putting us on.'| - Unknown 'Everything in New York is an art form.'| - Unknown 'Everything in the universe is packaging, big toys, or meat.'| - Unknown 'Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo.'| - Robert Byrne 'Everything is relative. In most parts of the world we're known as Americans. In the Persian Gulf we're the boat people.'| - Unknown 'Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.'| - Sophia Loren 'Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.'| - Albert Schweitzer 'Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.'| - W. Somerset Maugham 'Exclusiveness is a characteristic of recent riches, high society, and the skunk.'| - O'Malley 'Exercise, calisthenics, jogging and weight lifting fill a deep need. Even if you are not a great athlete, you can at least ache like one.'| - Robert Orben 'Expecting something for nothing is the most popular form of hope.'| - Arnold Glasow 'Experience and treachery will always beat youth and skill.'| - Unknown 'Experience is a dear teacher, but fools will learn at no other.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you.'| - Aldous Huxley 'Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.'| - Unknown 'Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.'| - Unknown 'Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.'| - Finagle's Fifth Rule 'f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.'| - Ad on a matchbook cover 'Facts are stupid things.'| - Ronald Reagan 'Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.'| - Unknown 'Faith is much better than belief. Belief is when someone else does the thinking.'| - R. Buckminster Fuller 'Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.'| - Unknown 'Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.'| - Marlo Thomas 'Family reunions would be great if it weren't for relatives.'| - Unknown 'Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.'| - George Santayana 'Fantasies are nice - you meet a better class of people in your fantasies.'| - Unknown 'Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.'| - Goya 'Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a corn field.'| - Dwight D. Eisenhower 'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.'| - Paul Muad'Dib 'Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed.'| - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) 'Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.'| - Robert G. Ingersoll 'Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Figure it out. Work a lifetime to pay off a house. You finally own it and there's no one to live in it.'| - Arthur Miller, 'Death of a Salesman' 'Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.'| - Charles H. Grosvenor 'First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.'| - Greek saying 'Flies spread disease; keep yours zipped.'| - Unknown 'Foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Fools rush in where fools have been before.'| - Unknown 'For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.'| - Elayne Boosler 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.'| - Harrison's Postulate 'For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong'| - Mencken's Metalaw 'For most men life is a search for the proper manilla envelope in which to get themselves filed.'| - Clifton Fadiman 'For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.'| - Lord Byron 'For young children it is primarily experience that determines character, but for the more mature person it is character that determines experience.'| - Haim Ginott 'Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.'| - Unknown 'Forgive and Remember.'| - Unknown 'Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.'| - John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) 'for (eat = food; food != dog; eat++) { }'| - 'C' humour 'Frequent punishments are always a sign of weakness or laziness on the part of a government.'| - Jean Jacques Rousseau 'Friendly fire ain't.'| - Murphy's Military Law #3 'Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.'| - Thomas Jones 'Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.'| - Samuel Butler 'Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.'| - George Carlin 'From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.'| - Sophie Tucker (1884?-1966) 'From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.'| - Karl Marx 'Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.'| - H. H. Williams 'Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.'| - Joseph Stalin 'Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.'| - Wilson Mizner 'Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains.'| - Jane Hopkins 'Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.'| - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) 'Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.'| - Elbert Hubbard 'Get a shot off FAST! This upsets him long enough to make your second shot perfect.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.'| - Frank Dane 'Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Getting caught is the mother of invention.'| - Unknown 'Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.'| - Zsa Zsa Gabor 'Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is like getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.'| - Melvin Belli 'Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.'| - Benny Hill 'Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.'| - Abraham Kaplan 'Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.'| - Frank Lloyd Wright 'Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes.'| - Unknown 'God forgives us... Who am I not to forgive?'| - Alan Paton 'God gives guidance to those who can find it from no one else.'| - Beowulf 'God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends.'| - Unknown 'God has been replaced, as he has all over the West, with respectability and air conditioning.'| - Imamu Amiri Baraka 'God help those who do not help themselves.'| - Wilson Mizner (1876-1933) 'God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place.'| - Dr. J. D. McCoughey 'God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.'| - Graffiti 'God knows. Or guesses.'| - Unknown 'God loves everyone in the world who doesn't love himself. Does God love God?'| - Teilhard de Chardin 'God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.'| - Unknown 'God made some people like Ralph Nader, who care too much, so that others may have the luxury to care not a whit.'| - Unknown 'God made the integers, man made the rest.'| - Leopold Kronecker 'God may be subtle. But He is not malicious.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.'| - William Bragg 'Gods are born and die, but the atom endures.'| - Alexander Chase 'Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.'| - Unknown 'Good art is not what it looks like, but what it does to us.'| - Roy Adzak 'Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.'| - Anne Morrow Lindbergh 'Good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement.'| - Barry LePatner 'Good politics are often inextricably intertwined.'| - Morris Udall 'Good taste is the worst vice ever invented.'| - Dame Edith Sitwell (1887-1964) 'Goodness is the only investment that never fails.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!'| - Patricia Neal: 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' 'Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.'| - Ray Simard 'Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.'| - Wiker's Law 'Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'| - Ronald Reagan 'Gray hair is God's graffiti.'| - Bill Cosby 'Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.'| - Herodotus 'Great minds travel in the same sewers.'| - Unknown 'Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins for two weeks.'| - Sioux Indian Prayer 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.'| - John 15:13 'Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mud slide.'| - Johnny Carson 'Growing and decaying vegetation in this land are responsible for 93 percent of the oxides of nitrogen.'| - Ronald Reagan 'Grub first, then ethics.'| - Bertolt Brecht 'Habit is the nursery of errors.'| - Victor Hugo 'Half a man's life is devoted to what he calls improvements, yet the original had some quality which is lost in the process.'| - E. B. White, American author (1899-1985) 'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Half the people in America are faking it.'| - Robert Mitchum 'Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.'| - George Burns 'Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?'| - Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Bergen, 1903-1978) 'Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.'| - Hackers Dictionary 'Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Have plenty of:| 1) Football for the alumni| 2) Sex for the students| 3) Parking for the faculty'| - Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College 'Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.'| - Martin Mull 'Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to cooperate.'| - Margaret Mead 'HCF - Halt and Catch Fire'| - The Unpublished Assembly Mnemonics #134 'He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.'| - Horace 'He hasn't one redeeming vice.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower.'| - Mary Howitt 'He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.'| - William Shakespeare 'He that is proud eats up himself; pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle.'| - William Shakespeare 'He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.'| - Confucius 'He travels the fastest who travels alone.'| - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) 'He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.'| - Chinese proverb 'He who awaits much can expect little.'| - Gabriel Garca Mrquez 'He who builds according to every man's advice will have a crooked house.'| - Danish proverb 'He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.'| - Unknown 'He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.'| - Unknown 'He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.'| - Unknown 'He who has the gold, makes the rules.'| - The Golden rule 'He who hesitates is a damned fool.'| - Mae West (1892-1980) 'He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.'| - Unknown 'He who hurries cannot walk with dignity.'| - Fortune cookie 'He who is conceived in a cage yearns for the cage.'| - Yevgeny Yevtushenko 'He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.'| - Fortune cookie 'He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent.'| - Seneca 'He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.'| - John Stuart Mill 'He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke.'| - Unknown 'He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.'| - Sign in auto repair shop 'He who shouts the loudest has the floor.'| - Swipple's Rule of Order 'He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.'| - M. C. Escher 'He whom love touches not, walks in darkness.'| - Plato 'He whose face gives no light shall never become a star.'| - William Blake, English poet and artist (1757-1827) 'Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.'| - John Keats 'Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Hell is the place where love is not found.'| - Santa Teresa 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'| - Inigo Montoya: 'The Princess Bride' 'Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.'| - Unknown 'Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.'| - Unknown 'Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.'| - Peter Drucker 'Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought.'| - Graham Greene 'Here's to your love, health, and wealth - and time to enjoy each.'| - Spanish Proverb 'He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.'| - Unknown 'High thoughts must have high language.'| - Aristophanes 'Hindsight is always 20:20.'| - Billy Wilder 'History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.'| - Unknown 'History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has had any rational basis.'| - Unknown 'History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.'| - Leonard Louis Levinson 'History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.'| - Abba Eban 'History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'Hitch your wagon to a star.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson 'Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.'| - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 'Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.'| - W. C. Fields (1890-1946) 'Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.'| - First Law of Laboratory Work 'How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?'| - Woody Allen 'How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?'| - Firesign Theater 'How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese?'| - Charles de Gaulle 'How can you tell the dance from the dancer?'| - Unknown 'How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?'| - The New Shoe Postulate 'How little you know about the age you live in if you think that honey is sweeter than cash in hand.'| - Ovid (43? B.C.-18 A.D.) 'How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.'| - Unknown 'How many 'coming men' has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?'| - Unknown 'How much money did you make last year? Mail it in.'| - Simplified tax form 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.'| - William Shakespeare 'How to paint a perfect painting - make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally.'| - Unknown 'How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children'| - Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983) 'How to win a case in court: If the law is on your side, pound on the law; if the facts are on your side, pound on the facts; if neither is on your side, pound on the table.'| - Unknown 'Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he's Napoleon, but hires an army to prove it.'| - Unknown 'Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.'| - H.G. Wells 'Hurting people is my business.'| - Sugar Ray Robinson 'Hysteria is a chaotic and irrational state caused by seeing how the world really operates.'| - Unknown 'I always say that, next to a battle lost, the greatest misery is a battle gained.'| - The Duke of Wellington 'I am a deeply superficial person.'| - Andy Warhol (1928-1987) 'I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.'| - J.D. Salinger 'I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.'| - W. C. Fields (1890-1946) 'I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy of which human nature is only a part.'| - Unknown 'I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.'| - William Allen White, American journalist (1868-1944) 'I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.'| - Jules Renard 'I am not young enough to know everything.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'I am responsible only to God and history.'| - Francisco Franco 'I am the notebook.'| - Pablo Picasso 'I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep going forward.'| - Charlotte Bronte, English author (1816-1855) 'I became a policeman because I wanted to be in a business where the customer is always wrong.'| - Unknown 'I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.'| - Richard Pryor 'I believe it was Tacitus who said there is a principle of human nature requiring us to hate those we have wronged.'| - William Beckett 'I believe now that we are all psychic to some degree but that some of us welcome these experiences, while others fear them and shut them out.'| - Vanna White 'I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.'| - David Steinberg 'I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty.'| - John D. Rockefeller 'I believe that in the end the truth will conquer.'| - John Wycliffe 'I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.'| - Nancy Reagan 'I believe that the power to make money is a gift from God.'| - John D. Rockefeller (1839-1937) 'I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.'| - Larry Lee 'I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.'| - Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969) 'I cannot believe God plays dice with the cosmos.'|(Wrong. Check Heisenberg's uncertainty principal.)| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I can't believe I forgot to have children.'| - Unknown 'I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.'| - Steven Pearl 'I continually marvel at the efficiency of the gods.'| - Kaylith MacRevan 'I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large: I contain multitudes.'| - Walt Whitman 'I could prove God statistically.'| - George Gallup 'I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.'| - Unknown 'I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies.'| - Unknown 'I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.'| - Unknown 'I drink to make other people interesting.'| - George Jean Nathan 'I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out in a war fought with the atomic bomb. Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.'| - Isaac Asamov. 'I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.'| - Galileo Galilei 'I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.'| - Chuang Tzu 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.'| - Gabriel Garca Mrquez 'I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.'| - Jack Benny (1894-1974) 'I don't dislike but I certainly have no special respect or admiration for and no trust in, the typical big moneyed men of my country. I don't regard them as furnishing sound opinion as respects either foreign or domestic business.'| - Teddy Roosevelt 'I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.'| - Jim Samuels 'I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.'| - Fred Allen (1894-1956) 'I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.'| - Elvis Presley (1935-1977) 'I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.'| - Jules Renard 'I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.'| - Bill Cosby 'I don't know what you could say about a day in which you have seen four beautiful sunsets.'| - John Glenn 'I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.'| - Marilyn Monroe 'I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.'| - Marshall McLuhan 'I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.'| - Plutarch 'I don't really trust a sane person.'| - Lyle Alzado 'I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.'| - Unknown 'I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.'| - Woody Allen 'I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now, I'm booked.'| - George Burns 'I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'I enjoy being a highly overpaid actor.'| - Roger Moore 'I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary.'| - Ronald Reagan 'I feel confident that, if evolution had succeeded in tracing man from a fallen angel and not from a risen ape,... antagonism to evolution would have gone by the board.'| - Sir Arthur Keith 'I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.'| - William H. Mauldin 'I felt like poisoning a monk.'| - Umberto Eco on why he wrote the novel 'The Name of the Rose.' 'I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.'| - Chauncey Depew (1834-1928) 'I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat me right, shame on you.'| - Louis Armstrong, American jazz musician (1900-1971) 'I gradually came to disbelieve in Christianity as a divine revelation... Thus disbelief crept over me at a very slow rate, but was at last complete.'| - Charles Darwin 'I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone... but they've always worked for me.'| - Hunter S. Thompson 'I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.'| - Charles Schulz 'I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.'| - John Locke 'I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.'| - Steven Wright 'I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds.'| - Dr. Robert Oppenheimer 'I have been forced to abdicate His (God) kingdom section by section.| - Charles Darwin 'I have been staying in Moscow for only 24 hours, but already I feel almost at home.'| - Hashemi Rafsanjani 'I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.'| - Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) 'I have had just about all I can take of myself.'| - S.N. Behrman (1893-1973) on reaching the age of 75 'I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'I have just signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever; we begin bombing in 5 minutes.'| - Ronald Reagan 'I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.'| - Kahlil Gibran 'I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.'| - Ronald Reagan 'I have long considered it on of God's greatest mercies that the future is hidden from us. If it were not, life would surely be unbearable.'| - Eugene Forsey 'I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one.'| - James G. Bennet 'I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.'| - Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) 'I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.'| - Unknown 'I have nothing to hide.'| - Richard Nixon 'I have one great fear in my heart, that one day when they [the whites of South Africa] have turned to loving, they will find we [the blacks] are turned to hating.'| - Alan Paton 'I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'I have... a terrible need... shall I say the word?... of religion. Then I go out at night and paint the stars.'| - Vincent van Gogh 'I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.'| - Confucius 'I kissed my first girl and smoked by first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.'| - Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) 'I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.'| - Johnny Carson 'I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'I know that the hypnotized never lie... do you.'| - Pete Townsend: Won't get Fooled Again 'I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!'| - Tom Lehrer, Satirist and Professor 'I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I lay it down as fact that, if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.'| - Blaise Pascal 'I like a man who grins when he fights.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big.'| - Donald Trump 'I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.'| - Unknown 'I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.'| - Walt Disney (1901-1966) 'I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people.'| - Calvin Coolidge 'I maintain that the cosmic religious feeling is the strongest and noblest motive for scientific research.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.'| - Jimmy Hoffa (1913-1975) 'I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.'| - Dick Gregory 'I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.'| - Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) 'I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.'| - Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) 'I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.'| - Unknown 'I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'I never know how much of what I say is true.'| - Bette Midler 'I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'I never loved another person the way I loved myself.'| - Mae West 'I never met a man I didn't like.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'I never tell a lie unless it's absolutely convenient.'| - Benny Hill 'I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.'| - Lyndon B. Johnson 'I once played a sheriff who thought he could do the job without a gun. I was dead in twenty-seven minutes of a thirty minute show.'| - Ronald Reagan 'I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.'| - Mae West (1892-1980) 'I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.'| - Orson Welles 'I predict that exact reproduction through cloning will not become popular. Too many people already find it difficult to live with themselves.'| - Jeanne Dixon 'I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.'| - Unknown 'I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom.'| - Anatole France 'I really hate this damn machine,|I wish that they would sell it.|It never does just what I want,|But only what I tell it.'| - Unknown 'I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.'| - Wilson Mizner 'I see the world in very fluid, contradictory, emerging, inter-connected terms, and with that kind of circuitry, I just don't feel the need to say what is going to happen or will not happen.'| - California Governor Jerry Brown 'I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.'| - George Burns 'I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.'| - Robert Orben 'I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang onto I might fall down.'| - George Burns 'I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.'| - Charles V, King of France 'I stood upon a high place, and saw, below, many devils, running, leaping, and carousing in sin. One looked up, grinning, and said, "Comrade! Brother!"'| - Stephan Crane 'I tell you, one must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star!'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.'| - James Thurber 'I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it.'| - Dwight D. Eisenhower 'I think the world is run by 'C' students.'| - Al McGuire 'I think when a person has been found guilty of rape he should be castrated. That would stop him pretty quick.'| - Billy Graham 'I think [a black]... could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid.'| - Thomas Jefferson 'I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.'| - Woody Allen 'I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.'| - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) 'I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.'| - Woodrow Wilson 'I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.'| - Marsha Warfield 'I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.'| - Graffiti 'I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.'| - Unknown 'I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.'| - Steven Wright 'I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'I walked in a desert.|And I cried,|"Ah, God, take me from this place!"|A voice said, "It is no desert."|I cried, "Well, but---|"The sand, the heat, the vacant horizon."|A voice said, "It is no desert."'| - Stephan Crane 'I want to know how God created this world. I want to know his thoughts. The rest are details.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'I wanted much... I started much... but the gale of the world blew away me and my work.'| - Drazha Mihailovich 'I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?'| - Ronnie Shakes 'I was in the darkness;|I could not see my words|Nor the wishes of my heart.|Then suddenly there was a great light -|"Let me into the darkness again."'| - Stephan Crane 'I was not successful as a ballplayer, as it was a game of skill.'| - Casey Stengel (1891-1975) 'I was probably the only revolutionary ever referred to as "cute."'| - Abbie Hoffman 'I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.'| - J. Danforth Quayle 'I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'| - Woody Allen 'I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.'| - Chico Marx (1891-1961) 'I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.'| - Unknown 'I wonder if anybody ever reached the age of thirty-five in New England without wanting to kill himself.'| - Barrett Wendell (1855-1921) 'I would have made a good pope.'| - Richard Nixon 'I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964.'| - Ronald Reagan 'I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when they're being taped.'| - Richard Nixon 'I would rather be attacked than unnoticed. For the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works.'| - Samuel Johnson 'I would rather suffer defeat than have cause to be ashamed of victory.'| - Quintus Curtius 'I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'I write poetry not for publication but merely to kill time. Airplanes are a good place to write poetry and then firmly throw it away. My collected works are mostly on the vomit bags of Pan American and TWA.'| - Charles McCabe 'IBM'| - In Bleakest Mordor 'Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.'| - William F. Buckley 'Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Idleness is the holiday of fools.'| - Unknown 'If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.'| - Dorothy Law Nolte. 'If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.'| - Lyall's Connecture 'If A equals success, then the formula is:| | A = X + Y + Z | |where X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.'| - John F. Kennedy 'If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, no matter how measured or far away.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing it.'| - Herodotus 'If a man understands one woman, he should let it go at that.'| - Bob Edwards 'If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.'| - Third Law of Computer Programming 'If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.'| - Fourth Law of Computer Programming 'If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.'| - Gordon's First Law 'If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.'| - John Kenneth Galbraith 'If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.'| - Blaise Pascal 'If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.'| - Finagle's First Law 'If anything can go wrong, it will.'| - Murphy's First Law 'If at first you do succeed, try something harder.'| - Unknown 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If you don't have it right by then, give up. You obviously are wasting your time.'| - Unknown 'If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.'| - Unknown 'If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.'| - Weinberg's Second Law 'If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee... that will do them in.'| - Bradley's Bromide 'If Congressmen can raise their own salaries, we should have every right to lower our taxes.'| - Unknown 'If death did not exist today it would be necessary to invent it.'| - Count Jean Baptiste Milhoud 'If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains many of us will die of cholera.'| - John Rich 'If everybody's behavior can be explained by simple stupidity and greed, there's no point in assuming a conspiracy.'| - P. J. Plauger 'If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.'| - Unknown 'If everything seems to be going well, then you have obviously overlooked something or somebody.'| - Unknown 'If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.'| - Unknown 'If Gary Hart had seen Fatal Attraction two years ago, he'd probably be President.'| - Bruce Babbitt 'If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'If God had meant there to be more than 2 factors of production, He would have made it easier for us to draw three-dimensional diagrams.'| - Robert Solow 'If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.'| - George Winters 'If God hadn't rested on Sunday, He would have had time to finish the world.'| - Gabriel Garca Mrquez 'If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, he wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination.'| - Unknown 'If God lived on earth, people would knock out all his windows'| - Yiddish saying 'If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have included children as punishment.'| - Ed Bluestone 'If God, as some now say, is dead, He no doubt died of trying to find an equitable solution to the Arab-Jewish problem.'| - I. F. Stone 'If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?'| - Unknown 'If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'If I had any humility I would be perfect.'| - Ted Turner 'If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.'| - Alfonso the Wise (1221-1284) 'If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.'| - Frank Sinatra 'If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.'| - Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968) 'If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.'| - Sir Isaac Newton 'If I have seen far, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.'| - Sir Isaac Newton 'If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.'| - Bertrand Russell 'If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?'| - Unknown 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it.'| - Bert Lantz 'If it doesn't work, turn it off, then turn it back on.'| - McKay's Second Law 'If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.'| - Lowery's Law 'If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.'| - Dennis Roch 'If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.'| - Unknown 'If Jack's in love, he's no judge of Jill's beauty.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.'| - Thomas Carlyle 'If little else, the brain is an educational toy.'| - Unknown 'If marriages weren't meant to endure, why do ministers charge such a small fee to tie the knot and lawyers such a huge one to untie it?'| - Shannon Rose 'If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.'| - Florynce Kennedy 'If modern civilized man had to kill the animals he eats, the number of vegetarians would rise astronomically.'| - Christian Morgenstern 'If Murphy's Law were true, whenever you tried to take a breath, all the air would be on the other side of the room.'| - Unknown 'If nobody uses it, there's a reason.'| - Unknown 'If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM.'| - Lyndon B. Johnson 'If only entropy could be harnessed and used for something more constructive!'| - Unknown 'If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.'| - Woody Allen 'If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.'| - Diogenes the Cynic (412?-323 B.C.) 'If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think!'| - Unknown 'If only you could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to do anything.'| - Unknown 'If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.'| - Kelvin Throop 'If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.'| - William Feather 'If poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it better not come at all.'| - John Keats 'If Shakespeare had been in pro basketball he never would have had time to write his soliloquies. He would always have been on a plane between Phoenix and Kansas City.'| - Paul Westhead, basketball coach 'If Sigmund Freud had watched Phil Donahue he would never have wondered what women wanted.'| - Nora Ephron 'If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.'| - Unknown 'If sunbeams were weapons of war, we would have had solar energy centuries ago.'| - Sir George Porter 'If the Aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western Civilization would presumably flunk it.'| - Stanley Garn 'If the children already born each have only two children themselves, in twenty-seven to thirty-five years the population of the world will double.'| - Tarzie Vittachi 'If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.'| - Norm Schryer 'If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.'| - Maier's Law 'If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.'| - Lyall Watson 'If the nation's economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions.'| - Arthur H. Motley 'If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail.'| - Abraham Maslow 'If the probability of an event is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.'| - Fourth Law of Thermodynamics 'If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.'| - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 'If the results of an experiment do not conform to the hypothesis, the must be discarded.'| - Meier's Law 'If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.'| - Yiddish proverb 'If the shoe fits, it's ugly.'| - Gold's Law 'If the sun is really putting out all that energy, how come we get so lazy when we sit under it?'| - Bill Vaughan 'If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?'| - Unknown 'If there is a gun hanging on the wall in the first act, it must fire in the last.'| - Anton Chehkov, advice to a novice playwright. 'If there is another way to skin a cat, I don't want to know about it.'| - Steve Kravitz 'If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?'| - Art Hoppe 'If they find out mothers' milk causes cancer, where will they put the warning?'| - Unknown 'If things were left to chance, they'd be better.'| - Langin's Law 'If time be of all things most precious, wasting time must be the greatest prodigality, since lost time is never found again; and what we call time enough always proves little enough.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'If time files like an arrow, how come fruit flies like a banana?'| - Unknown 'If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.'| - Lyndon Baines Johnson 'If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.'| - Unknown 'If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.'| - Abigail Van Buren 'If we don't know life, how can we know death?'| - Confucius 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'| - J. Danforth Quayle 'If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable.'| - John F. Kennedy 'If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.'| - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975) 'If you are afraid of loneliness, don't ever get married.'| - Anton Chekhov 'If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.'| - Fifth Law of Applied Terror||Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.' 'If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.'| - Vince Lombardi (1913-1970) 'If you become a star, you don't change, everyone else does.'| - Kirk Douglas 'If you build it, he will come.'| - Movie: 'Field of Dreams' 'If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.'| - J. Paul Getty 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, obviously you have no conception of the magnitude of the problem.'| - Unknown 'If you can measure something, it's fact. All else is merely an opinion.'| - Unknown 'If you cannot convince them, confuse them'| - Harry S. Truman, U.S. President (1884-1972) 'If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.'| - Kingsley Amis 'If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost, you can always call him vile names.'| - Unknown 'If you can't convince them, confuse them.'| - Harry S. Truman 'If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.'| - Unknown 'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.'| - Harry S. Truman 'If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.'| - The Third Law of Photography 'If you do not raise your eyes you will think you are the highest point.'| - Antonio Porchia 'If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.'| - Lawrence J. Peter 'If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.'| - Dean Martin 'If you eliminate the impossible, all else no matter how improbable is the truth.'| - Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Connan Doyle) 'If you ever find yourself on the ground, just make a sound like a carrot and your horse will come running back to you.'| - The Rough Rider's Lemma 'If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.'| - Unknown 'If you get to be a really big headliner, you have to be prepared for people throwing bottles at you in the night.'| - Mick Jagger 'If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him.'| - Cardinal Richelieu 'If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job.'| - Malcolm Forbes 'If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.'| - Law of Reruns 'If you hear a wise sentence or an apt phrase, commit it to your memory.'| - Sir Henry Sidney 'If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.'| - Fresco's Discovery 'If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.'| - Graham Summer 'If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.'| - Lenny Bruce (1923-1966) 'If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.'| - George Burns 'If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.'| - Unknown 'If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.'| - Unknown 'If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.'| - Schmidt's Law 'If you need N items of anything, you will have N - 1 in stock.'| - Sueker's Note 'If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.'| - James Goldsmith 'If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.'| - Gallois' Revelation 'If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.'| - Murphy's Military Law #11 'If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.'| - Thoreau's Law 'If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.'| - Unknown 'If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.'| - Derek Bok, president of Harvard 'If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.'| - Earl Wilson 'If you torture the data enough, it will confess.'| - Unknown 'If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks like.'| - Unknown 'If you wait, it will go away.'| - Hellrung's Law | |'...having done its damage.'| - Shevelson's Extension | |'...if it was bad, it will be back.'| - Grelb's Continuation 'If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters.'| - Dear Abby 'If you want a thing well one, do it yourself.'| - Charles Haddon Spurgeon 'If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.'| - Margaret Thatcher 'If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.'| - Jim Eason 'If you want to make enemies, try to change something.'| - President Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924) 'If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.'| - Unknown 'If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'If you work on your mind with your mind, how can you avoid an immense confusion?'| - Seng-Ts'an 'If you worry about your customers, you won't have to worry about money.'| - Les Welch 'If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.'| - Unknown 'If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.'| - Murphy's Military Law #9 'If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.'| - Murphy's Military Law #16 'If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.'| - Motto of the Green Berets 'If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.'| - Ronald Reagan 'if (shoe == fit) wear (shoe);'| - 'C' humour 'If, while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment is glutted.'| - Marguerite Emmons 'Ignorance is the mother of admiration.'| - George Chapman (1599?-1634) 'Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.'| - Unknown 'Imagination is more important than knowledge.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Imagination, not invention, is the supreme master of art as of life.'| - Joseph Conrad, Polish-born author (1857-1924) 'Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.'| - Jack Paar 'Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.'| - Cyril Connolly 'Impropriety is the soul of wit.'| - Somerset Maugham 'In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.'| - Unknown 'In a fight you don't stop to choose your cudgels.'| - Nikita Khruschev 'In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes.'| - Elizabeth Ashley 'In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.'| - Laurence Peter (The Peter Principle) 'In a painting I want to say something comforting.'| - Vincent van Gogh 'In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.'| - Robert Benchley 'In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.'| - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 'In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.'| - Unknown 'In another world he might have been a seer or a shaman priest... here he's just a shoe salesman who walks with the shadows.'| - Cooper: 'Twin Peaks' 'In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'| - Edward P. Tryon 'In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.'| - Finagle's Third Law 'In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.'| - Idi Amin Dada 'In Biblical times, a man could have as many wives as he could afford. Just like today.'| - Abigail Van Buren 'In Burbank there's a drive-in church called Jack-in-the-Pew. You shout your sins into the face of a plastic priest.'| - Johnny Carson 'In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.'| - Finagle's Fourth Rule 'In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.'| - Rudin's Law 'In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, 'patriotism' is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'In economics, the majority is always wrong.'| - John Kenneth Galbraith 'In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty.'| - Thomas Jefferson 'In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.'| - Conway's Law 'In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.'| - Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980) 'In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over and over again the tasks left unfinished in your lifetime.'| - Andr Gide 'In his hand he carried an ancient and trustworthy weapon, called by the elves a Browning semi-automatic.'| - Unknown 'In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'In March July, October, May,|The Ides are on the fifteenth day,|The Nones the seventh: all other months besides|Have two days less for Nones and Ides.'| - Unknown 'In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.'| - Jose Simon 'In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.'| - Robert Byrne 'In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'In politics stupidity is not a handicap.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'In principle I am against principles.'| - Tristan Tzara 'In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.'| - Will Durst 'In short, your job is to find trouble, and then shoot it.'| - Unknown 'In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.'| - Corollary to the First Law of Revision 'In so far as mathematics is about reality, it is not certain, and in so far as it is certain, it is not about reality.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.'| - Cesar Chavez 'In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.'| - Anne Frank 'In the depth of winter I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.'| - Albert Camus (1913-1960) 'In the end, everything is a gag.'| - Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977) 'In the fight between you and the world, back the world.'| - Franz Kafka 'In the final choice a soldier's pack is not so heavy as a prisoner's chains.'| - Dwight D. Eisenhower 'In the long run we are all dead.'| - John Maynard Keynes (1883-1946) 'In the place of the beast the gods dream.'| - Unknown 'In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.'| - John Lilly 'In the race for love, I was scratched.'| - Joan Davis (1912-1961) 'In the unplanned economy, it's dog eat dog; in the planned one, both of them starve to death.'| - Richard Needham 'In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.'| - Pliny the Elder 'In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.'| - Carl Sandburg 'In this world, it rains on the Just and the Unjust, but the Unjust have the Justs' umbrellas.'| - Unknown 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'In time of war the first casualty is truth.'| - Boake Carter 'In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these.'| - Paul Harvey 'In war there is no substitute for victory.'| - General Douglas MacArthur 'Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.'| - Herman Wouk 'Incoming fire has the right of way.'| - Murphy's Military Law #8 'Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.'| - Gibb's Law 'Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.'| - Hackers Dictionary 'Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.'| - Rule of Defactualization: 'Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.'| - First Law of Revision (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' law.) 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.'| - Martin Luther King, Jr. 'Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tanno-gallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'Inside every large program is a small one struggling to get out.'| - Unknown 'Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.'| - Unknown 'Interchangeable parts won't.'| - Law of Spare Parts 'Interpretation is the revenge of the intellect upon art.'| - Susan Sontag 'Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.'| - Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability 'Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather becomes frozen, even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.'| - Leonardo Da Vinci 'Is he who opens the door and he who closes it the same being?'| - Gaston Bachelard 'Is life so dear, or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?'| - Patrick Henry 'Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'Is there life before death?'| - Belfast Graffito 'Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?'| - Herb Caen 'Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at Gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.'| - Unknown 'It ain't over till it's over.'| - Bara's second law 'It can't happen here is number one on the list of famous last words.'| - David Crosby, rock singer and musician 'It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.'| - Avery's Observation 'It exists.'| - The First Myth of Management 'It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'It has taken the planet Earth 4.5 Billion years to discover it is 4.5 Billion years old...'| - George Wald 'It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.'| - C. Northcote Parkinson 'It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'It is a mark of modern ignorance to think that we have become progressively smarter...'| - Thomas Goldstein 'It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.'| - Ralph's Observation 'It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.'| - Willie Sutton 'It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?'| - Alan Perlis 'It is always brave to say what everyone thinks.'| - Georges Duhamel, French author (1884-1966) 'It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.'| - Jerome K. Jerome 'It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.'| - Harry S. Truman 'It is as if I were attempting to trace with the point of a pencil the shadow of the tracing pencil.'| - Unknown 'It is bad luck to be superstitious'| - Andrew W. Mathis 'It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.'| - Irish proverb 'It is better to be a mouse in a cat's mouth than a man in a lawyer's hands.'| - Spanish proverb 'It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.'| - Arthur Calwell 'It is better to be quotable than to be honest.'| - Tom Stoppard 'It is better to dare mighty things than to take rank with those poor, timid souls who will know neither victory nor defeat.'| - Teddy Roosevelt 'It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!'| - Emiliano Zapata 'It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it an remove all doubt.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.'| - James Thurber 'It is better to wear out than to rust out.'| - Neil Young 'It is better, of course, to know useless things than to know nothing.'| - Seneca 'It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly 'and try another. But above all, try something.'| - Franklin D. Roosevelt 'It is convenient that there be gods, and, as it is convenient, let us believe there are.'| - Ovid 'It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.'| - Rod Serling 'It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of god.'| - Matthew 19:24 'It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time.'| - Honor de Balzac 'It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.'| - Alfred Adler 'It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.'| - William Blake (1757-1827) 'It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.'| - Stewart's Law of Retroaction 'It is easier to run down a hill than up one.'| - Unknown 'It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.'| - Unknown 'It is fun being in the same decade with you.'| - Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882-1945) in a letter to Winston Churchill, 1942 'It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations.'| - Walter Bagehot 'It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.'| - Unknown 'It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.'| - Woody Allen 'It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.'| - Murphy's Second Corollary 'It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.'| - Woody Allen 'It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for any public office.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.'| - Alex Carey 'It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.'| - Canada Bill Jones 'It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.'| - Jackie Mason 'It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.'| - Niccolo Machiavelli 'It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, that gives happiness.'| - Thomas Jefferson 'It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.'| - Gore Vidal 'It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself.'| - Salvador Dali 'It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.'| - Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, French author-dramatist (1732-1799) 'It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.'| - Moliere 'It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of statistics.'| - Fletcher Knebel 'It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'It is odd how vanity supports the man who succeeds and ruins the man who fails.'| - Unknown 'It is often said that you can't get something for nothing. But the universe may be the ultimate free lunch.'| - Alan Guth 'It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.'| - Margaret Bonnano 'It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.'| - Clive James 'It is people who live by the rules that are always hoping to get them changed.'| - Robert Harbison 'It is perfectly true that the government is best which govern least. It is equally true that the government is best which provides most.'| - Walter Lippmann 'It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.'| - Alec Bourne 'It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are.'| - Pubil 'It is sweet and honorable to die for one's country.'| - Horace 'It is the business of the artist to select and rearrange his material. How else shall he portray the essence of Life?'| - W. Shakespeare Marlowe 'It is the large brain capacity which allows man to live as a human being, enjoying taxes, canned salmon, television, and the atomic bomb.'| - G.H.R. von Koenigswald 'It is the very error of the moon, she comes more near the Earth than she was wont, and makes men mad.'| - William Shakespeare 'It is true that even a few nuclear or hydrogen explosions can do terrible damage.'| - Dr. Edward Teller 'It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed.'| - Nikolai Lenin 'It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for you.'| - Fourth Law of Revision 'It is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it.'| - Robert E. Lee 'It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.'| - John Andrew Holmes 'It isn't easy being green.'| - Kermit the Frog 'It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.'| - Errol Flynn 'It makes all the difference whether one sees darkness through the light or brightness through the shadows.'| - David Lindsay 'It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.'| - Darrin Weinberg 'It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him.'| - Arthur C. Clarke 'It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.'| - Martin Luther King, Jr. 'It must certainly be more dangerous to live in ignorance than to live with knowledge.'| - Phillip Handler 'It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better ... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.'| - Woody Allen 'It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.'| - Unknown 'It sort of gives me a warm glow to have had a small part in turning a bunch of normal, carefree kids into bloodthirsty fanatics.'| - Barry B. Longyear 'It takes a long time to understand nothing.'| - Edward Dahlberg 'It takes all sorts of in and out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling.'| - R. Frost 'It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.'| - Unknown 'It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window.'| - Raymond Chandler, 'Farewell, my lovely.' 'It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been always thus.'| - Dean Lattimer 'It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.'| - Howard Ruff 'It works better if you plug it in.'| - Sattinger's Law 'It would be as useless to perceive how things 'actually look' as it would be to watch the random dots on untuned television screens.'| - Marvin Minsky 'It would be inappropriate for the President of the United States to try to fine-tune for the people of Hungary how they ought to eat - how the cow out to eat the cabbage, as we say in the United States.'| - George Bush 'It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.'| - Norm from Cheers 'It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.'| - Gerrold's Fundamental Truth 'It's a poor workman who blames his tools.'| - Unknown 'It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.'| - Harry S. Truman 'It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.'| - Steven Wright 'It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.'| - Mick Jagger 'It's amazing how often rationality is equated with unmanliness.'| - Unknown 'It's clever, but is it art?'| - Unknown 'It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.'| - Unknown 'It's hard for the modern generation to understand Thoreau, who lived beside a pond but didn't own water skis or a snorkel.'| - Bill Vaughan 'It's hard to remain true to a changing self.'| - Unknown 'It's just as sure a recipe for failure to have the right idea fifty years too soon as five years too late.'| - J.R. Platt 'It's not destiny until it's happened.'| - Unknown 'It's not my damn planet, monkey boy!'| - Ford Prefect: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy 'It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.'| - Unknown 'It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we do know that ain't so.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.'| - Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950) 'It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.'| - Millard Fuller 'It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot.'| - Warren Thomas 'It's round the world I've traveled;|It's round the world I've roamed;|But I've yet to see an outlaw drive a family from its home.'| - Woody Guthrie 'It's said that pigeons are the smartest people around; they're always getting the drop on the rest of us.'| - Unknown 'It's so beautifully arranged on the plate, you know someone's fingers have been all over it.'| - Julia Child 'It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.'| - Unknown 'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.'| - Tallulah Bankhead 'It's the responsibility of the media to look at the president with a microscope, but they go too far when they use a proctoscope.'| - Richard M. Nixon 'I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.'| - Graffiti 'I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.'| - Unknown 'I'd sooner believe that two Yankee professors would lie than that rocks would fall from the sky.'| - Thomas Jefferson 'I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.'| - Miles Davis 'I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.'| - Carl Sandburg 'I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.'| - Will Durst 'I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.'| - S.I. Hayakawa 'I'm no different from anybody else with two arms, two legs, and forty-two-hundred hits.'| - Pete Rose 'I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'I'm not breaking the rules - I'm just testing their elasticity.'| - Unknown 'I'm not smart. I try to observe. Millions saw the apple fall but Newton was the one who asked why.'| - B. Baruch 'I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked "Occupant."'| - Unknown 'I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'I'm still an atheist, thank God.'| - Luis Bunuel 'I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.'| - Garry Shandling 'I'm very critical of the U.S., but get me outside the country and all of a sudden I can't bring myself to say one nasty thing about the U.S.'| - Saul Alinsky, American political activist (1902-1972) 'I've been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn't require my presence.'| - Gary Trudeau 'I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.'| - Unknown 'I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.'| - New York City detective 'I've never met a healthy person who worried much about his health or a good person who worried much about his soul.'| - Haldane 'I've often said that my rats have taught me much more than I've taught them.'| - B.F. Skinner 'I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head.'| - George Wallace 'Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side.'| - Archie Bunker 'Journalists are like whores; as high as their ideals may be, they still have to resort to tricks to make money.'| - A. Cygni 'Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.'| - Unknown 'Just because I can't count, don't know the rules, and cheat, doesn't mean you have to watch me.'| - McKay's First Law 'Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless.'| - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) 'Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.'| - Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965) 'Just because you're 20 and well hung does not make you talented.'| - Madame Zaza 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.'| - Unknown 'Just hope the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train headed your way.'| - Unknown 'Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets'| - The Brigader, in "Dr. Who" 'Just remember, when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!'| - Unknown 'Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Just when you think it's finally settled, it isn't.'| - Solomon Short 'Justice is incidental to law and order.'| - J. Edgar Hoover 'Justice, n.: A decision in your favor.'| - Unknown 'Keep a stiff upper chin.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'Keep the muzzle pointed at your target.'| - Effective Gun Control 'Keep your Eye on the Ball,|Your Shoulder to the Wheel,|Your Nose to the Grindstone,|Your Feet on the Ground,|Your Head on your Shoulders.||Now ... try to get something DONE!'| - Unknown 'Killing a man may be necessary, but confining him is an offence against his integrity and your own.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Kinky sex involves using duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck.'| - Lewis Grizzard 'Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.'| - The Lost Star Trek Tapes 'Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.'| - Rene Yasenek 'Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Lack of money is the root of all evil.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Lack of will power has caused more failure than lack of intelligence or ability.'| - Flower A. Newhouse 'Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.'| - Unknown 'Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.'| - Unknown 'Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.'| - Victor Borge 'Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you; weep, and you weep alone.'| - Ellen Wheller Wilcox 'Laws were made to be broken.'| - Christopher North 'Leadership is making people do what they don't want to do, and liking it.'| - H.S. Truman 'Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.'| - Robert Byrne 'Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.'| - Confucius 'Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.'| - Murphy's First Corollary 'Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night.'| - George Allen 'Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.'| - Unknown 'Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean.'| - Gthe 'Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.'| - Unknown 'Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.'| - Unknown 'Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.'| - Ovid (43 B.C.-18 A.D.) 'Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth - to see it like it is, and tell it like it is - to find the truth, to speak the truth, and live the truth.'| - Richard Nixon 'Let us create vessels and sails adjusted to the heavenly ether, and there will be plenty of people unafraid of the empty wastes.'| - Johannes Kepler 'Let us so endeavor to live, that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Let's have some new cliches.'| - Samuel Goldwyn 'Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Liars ought to have good memories.'| - Algernon Sidney 'Liberal - a power worshipper without power.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'Licker talks mighty loud w'en it gets loose fum de jug.'| - Joel C. Harris 'Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.'| - Paul Gauguin (1848-1903) 'Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.'| - Sren Kierkegaard 'Life is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.'| - Racine 'Life is a great surprise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.'| - Vladimir Nabokov (1899-1977) 'Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.'| - Thornton Wilder (1897-1975) 'Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.'| - Woody Allen 'Life is just a bowl of pits.'| - Rodney Dangerfield 'Life is just one damn thing after another.'| - Unknown 'Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.'| - Unknown 'Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews.'| - John Updike 'Life is one long process of getting tired.'| - Unknown 'Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.'| - Knight's Law 'Life would be so much simpler if we could just look at the source code.'| - Unknown 'Life, n.: An invariably fatal condition spread by sexual contact.'| - Unknown 'Life. Don't talk to me about life.'| - Marvin the Robot: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy 'Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.'| - Alan McKay 'Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.'| - Unknown 'Listen - strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!'| - Unknown 'Little girls like butterflies, need no excuse.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.'| - Unknown 'Living with a conscience is like driving a car with the brakes on.'| - Budd Schulberg 'Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.'| - Manly's Maxim 'Look around the table. If you don't see a sucker, get up, because you're the sucker.'| - The Fool-And-His-Money Principle: Amarillo Slim 'Lord, give us the wisdom to utter words that are gentle and tender, for tomorrow we may have to eat them.'| - Morris Udall 'Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.'| - Unknown 'Love built on beauty, soon as beauty dies.'| - John Donne 'Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it.'| - Dr. Karl Menninger 'Love is a matter of chemistry, Sex is a matter of physics.'| - Mark's Mark 'Love is just a moment of giving, but marriage is when we admit our parents were right.'| - Billy Bragg 'Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.'| - W. Somerset Maugham 'Love is sentimental measles.'| - Unknown 'Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering she looks like a haddock.'| - John Barrymore 'Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Love to eat them mousies,|Mousies what I love to eat.|Bite they little heads off...|Nibble on they tiny feet.'| - Unknown 'Love your neighbors, but don't pull down the fence.'| - Chinese proverb. 'Love, n.: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.'| - Russell Banks 'Lucky? Luuuuuuuuucky! Here, boy! C'mere! Luuuuuucky!'| - Alf 'Machines should work. People should think.'| - IBM Pollyanna Principle 'Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Magpie, n: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.'| - Unknown 'Make new friends but keep the old,|One is silver and the other gold.'| - Unknown 'Make no little plans. They have no magic to stir men's blood.'| - D.B. Hudson 'Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'Make your words short and sweet... you may have to eat them.'| - Unknown 'Man and wife make one fool.'| - Unknown 'Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.'| - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 'Man in the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor.'| - Werner von Braun 'Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.'| - Lily Tomlin 'Man is a credulous animal and must believe something. In the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.'| - Bertrand Russel (1872-1970) 'Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Man is an infant, with the toys of a child, and delusions of adulthood.'| - A. Cygni 'Man is but a reed, the weakest in nature, but he is a thinking reed.'| - Blaise Pascal 'Man is only happy as he finds a work worth doing, and does it well.'| - E. Merrill Root 'Man is so made that when anything fires his soul, impossibility vanishes.'| - Jean de la Fontaine 'Man is something more than a carcass loosely coupled to a ghost.'| - Sir Cyril Burt 'Man is star-stuff that has taken over it's own destiny.'| - Carl Sagan 'Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.'| - Wernher von Braun 'Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Man is the only animal that eats when he is not hungry, drinks when he is not thirsty, and makes love at all seasons.'| - Unknown 'Man is the only animal that walks upright and carries a slanted point of view.'| - Unknown 'Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.'| - John F. Kennedy 'Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others.'| - Ray Simard 'Many a family tree needs trimming.'| - Unknown 'Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view.'| - Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Return of the Jedi" 'Many people would sooner die than think. In fact, they do.'| - Bertrand Russell 'Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.'| - Thomas Fuller 'Man: A biodegradable but nonrecyclable animal blessed with opposable thumbs capable of grasping at straws.'| - Bernard Rosenberg 'Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.'| - Unknown 'Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.'| - Mae West. 'Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.'| - Serocki's Stricture 'Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery.'| - George Jean Nathan (1882-1958) 'Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven. Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?'| - Samuel Butler 'Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.'| - Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 'Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.'| - Richard Pryor 'Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.'| - Honor de Balzac 'Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Mars is essentially in the same orbit [as the Earth]... We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.'| - J. Danforth Quayle 'Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Matrimony is the root of all evil.'| - Unknown 'Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.'| - Murphy's Constant 'Maxim 1070: I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.'| - Publilius Syrus 'Maxim 914: Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.'| - Publilius Syrus 'Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.'| - Aldous Huxley 'Mediocre minds usually dismiss anything which reaches beyond their own understanding.'| - Franois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld 'Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.'| - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: "The Valley of Fear" 'Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.'| - Abba Eban 'Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.'| - Jayne Mansfield 'Men are like wine - some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.'| - Pope John XXIII 'Men don't change. The only thing new in the world is the history you don't know.'| - President Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) 'Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin, more even than death.'| - Bertrand Russell 'Men have become the tools of their tools.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap - even men who hate baths.'| - Gelett Burgess 'Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as nothing ever happened.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.'| - Unknown 'Men should think twice before making widowhood women's only path to power.'| - Gloria Steinem 'Men willingly believe what they wish.'| - Julius Caesar 'Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.'| - Unknown 'Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.'| - Unknown 'Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles..'| - Humphrey Bogart: Cassablanca 'Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.'| - Susan Ertz 'Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.'| - Unknown 'Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.'| - Chinese proverb 'Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Modern politics may be built on the art of attaining specific small ends by requesting others.'| - Norman Mailer 'Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Monday, n.: The day that follows two days of rain'| - Unknown 'Money can't buy happiness, but it does quiet the nerves.'| - Unknown 'Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. Flowers work almost as well.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.'| - Gottfried Reinhardt 'Money is like an arm or leg: use it or lose it.'| - Henry Ford 'Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.'| - Unknown 'Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It buys you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness.'| - Henrik Ibsen 'Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.'| - Unknown 'Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations.'| - Thomas Jefferson 'Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.'| - Unknown 'More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing nothing, than by believing too much.'| - Phineas T. Barnum 'Moscow in flames. Missiles headed for New York. Film at 11.'| - Unknown 'Most football players are temperamental. That's 90' temper and 10' mental.'| - Unknown 'Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room.'| - Blaise Pascal 'Most of the great evils that man has inflicted on man have come through people feeling quite certain about something which, in fact, was false.'| - Bertrand Russell 'Most of the problems a President has to face have their roots in the past.'| - Harry S. Truman 'Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.'| - Fred Allen 'Most people deserve each other.'| - Shirley's Law 'Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering and only the very young or the very foolish imagine otherwise.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.'| - Frank Zappa 'Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise.'| - Maya Angelou 'MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's.'| - Doug Ferrari 'Murphy was an optimist.'| - O'Toole's Commentary 'Must the hunger become anger and the anger fury before anything will be done?'| - John Steinbeck 'Mustard's no good without roast beef.'| - The Condiment Conundrum: Chico Marx (1891-1961) 'Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'My brain is my second favorite organ.'| - Woody Allen 'My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'My God! It's full of stars!'| - Dave Bowman: "2001: A Space Odyssey" 'My husband gave me a permanent wave, and now he's gone.'| - Dawn Messer 'My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.'| - Unknown 'My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.'| - Douglas Jerrold 'My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.'| - Errol Flynn 'My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'My responsibility is to follow the Scriptures which call upon us to occupy the land until Jesus returns.'| - James Watt 'My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.'| - Unknown 'My toughest fight was with my first wife.'| - Mohammad Ali 'My work is done, why wait?'| - Suicide note left by Kodak founder George Eastman (1854-1932) 'Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Myths are public dreams. Dreams are private myths.'| - Joseph Campbell 'Narrow-souled people are like narrow-necked bottles. The less they have in them the more noise they make in pouring it out.'| - Unknown 'Natural ability without education has more often raised a man to glory and virtue than an education without natural ability.'| - Cicero 'Natural laws have no pity.'| - Unknown 'Nature is neutral. Man has wrested from nature the power to make the world a desert or to make the deserts bloom. There is no evil in the atom; only in men's souls.'| - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) 'Nature sides with the hidden flaw.'| - Unknown 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'Needs are a function of what other people have.'| - Jone's Principle 'Negative expectations receive negative results.|Positive expectations receive negative results.'| - Non-reciprocal Law of Expectations 'Neglect of an effective birth control policy is a never failing source of poverty which, in turn, is the parent of revolution and crime.'| - Aristotle (382-322 B.C.) 'Neither soldiers nor money can defend a king but only friends won by good deeds, merit, and honesty.'| - Sallust 'Never accept a drink from a urologist.'| - Erma Bombeck's father 'Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.'| - Unknown 'Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.'| - Tommy Lasorda 'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.'| - Unknown 'Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.'| - Claud Cockburn (1904-1981) 'Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.'| - Unknown 'Never could any increase of comfort or security be a sufficient good to be bought at the price of liberty.'| - Hilaire Belloc 'Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.'| - Matthew Browne 'Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.'| - Unknown 'Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more trouble than you.'| - Nelson Algren 'Never eat more than you can lift.'| - Miss Piggy 'Never eat prunes when you are famished.'| - Unknown 'Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.'| - Unknown 'Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.'| - Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887) 'Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.'| - Mickey Friedman 'Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.'| - Erma Bombeck 'Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you are.'| - Hartley's Second Law 'Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.'| - Billy Rose (1899-1966) 'Never invoke Anyone you can't banish.'| - Unknown 'Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.'| - Erma Bombeck 'Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.'| - The First Law of Wing Walking 'Never let not knowing what you are doing stop you from doing it.'| - Collis's Conclusion 'Never look at data on a Friday night. It can spoil your weekend.'| - The Party Principle 'Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.'| - Gore Vidal 'Never mistake endurance for hospitality.'| - Unknown 'Never mistake motion for action.'| - Ernest Hemingway 'Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.'| - Sam Brown 'Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.'| - Unknown 'Never program and drink beer at the same time.'| - Woltman's Law 'Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.'| - Robert Orben 'Never replicate a successful experiment.'| - Fett's Law 'Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.'| - Unknown 'Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.'| - Murphy's Military Law #1 'Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.'| - General George S. Patton, Jr. 'Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.'| - Unknown 'Never tolerate the establishment of two continental powers in Europe.'| - Adolf Hitler (1880-1945) 'Never trust anyone over thirty.'| - Jerry Rubin 'Never try keeping up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.'| - Quentin Crisp 'Never try to out stubborn a cat.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.'| - Unknown 'Never underestimate the rationality of your opponent.'| - Unknown 'Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.'| - Robert A. Heinlein 'New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.'| - Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 'New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.'| - David Letterman 'Nice computers don't go down.'| - Unknown 'Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.'| - Evan Davis 'Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Ninety percent of everything is crap.'| - Theodore Sturgeon 'Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.'| - Henry Kissinger 'No affectation of peculiarity can conceal a commonplace mind.'| - W. Somerset Maugham 'No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.'| - Murphy's Military Law #2 'No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.'| - Covert Bailey 'No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.'| - Unknown 'No experiment is reproducible.'| - Wyszowski's Law 'No good deed goes unpunished.'| - Clare Boothe Luce 'No job is too small to screw up!'| - Unknown 'No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach.'| - William Cowper, English poet (1731-1800) 'No man is rich enough to buy back his past.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.'| - Henry B. Adams 'No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.'| - Thomas Mann, German author (1875-1955) 'No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.'| - Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government 'No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.'| - Lewis' Law 'No matter what side of an argument you're on, you always find some people on your side that you wish were on the other side.'| - Jascha Heifetz 'No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: | | (a) Misinterpret it. | (b) Fake it. | (c) Believe it supports his own pet theory.'| - Finagle's Second Law 'No member of our generation who wasn't a Communist or a dropout in the thirties is worth a damn.'| - Lyndon B. Johnson 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'| - Eleanor Roosevelt 'No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and riches.'| - Matthew 6:24 'No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.'| - Groucho Marx (1890-1977) 'No project is a complete failure, it can always serve as a negative example.'| - Unknown 'No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.'| - Jacob Bronowski 'Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.'| - Ron Nesen 'Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.'| - Tallulah Bankhead 'Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.'| - Sydney Harris 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.'| - Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962) 'Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable.'| - James Baldwin 'Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view.'| - Unknown 'Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as unbearable as they seemed at the time'| - Unknown. 'Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.'| - Peter de Vries 'Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet.'| - Pericles 'Nothing anybody tells you about marriage helps.'| - Max Siegal 'Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.'| - Sydney Harris 'Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Nothing endures but change.'| - Heraclitus 'Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced - even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.'| - John Keats 'Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.'| - Cheops Law 'Nothing ever goes away.'| - Barry Commoner's Second Law of Ecology 'Nothing fails like success.'| - Gerald Nachman 'Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.'| - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) 'Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand were stone.'| - Jorge Luis Borges 'Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.'| - Unknown 'Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.'| - Weiler's Law 'Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.'| - Jonathan Winters 'Nothing is more common than a fool with a strong memory.'| - Unknown 'Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Nothing is more intolerable than a wealthy woman.'| - Juvenal (60?-140?) 'Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself your own errors.'| - Beethoven 'Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight.'| - Thomas Carlyle 'Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.'| - Henry Ford 'Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.'| - John Kenneth Galbraith 'Nothing is so firmly believed as that which is least known.'| - Francis Jeffrey (1773-1850) 'Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.'| - Unknown 'Nothing is true. Everything is permissible.'| - Hassan i Sabbah 'Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.'| - Arthur Balfour (1848-1930) 'Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples' habits.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Not-really-trying is just as much effort as trying-really-hard. The only difference... is that not-really-trying receives no reward.'| - A. N. Wilson 'Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.'| - Kin Hubbard 'Now comes the mystery.'| - Henry Ward Beecher, last words 'Now that I'm over sixty I'm veering toward respectability.'| - Shelley Winters 'No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve...'| - William Shakespeare: Mercutio, "Romeo & Juliet", Act III, scene I, 'No.'| - President Jimmy Carter's daughter Amy when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America 'Nuke'em till they glow, then shoot'em in the dark!'| - Larry Niven & Jerry Pournell: 'Footfall' 'O God, give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed, courage to change what should be changed, and wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.'| - Reinhold Niebuhr 'O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.'| - St. Augustine (A.D. 354-430) 'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.'| - Hannah More 'Occam's Razor: Don't create more hypothesis than are really necessary. The simplest explanation that will fit the facts is probably the best.'| - William of Occam 'Of all the wild beasts of land or sea, the wildest is woman.'| - Menander (342?-291? B.C.) 'Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.'| - Unknown 'Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.'| - Unknown 'Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Often it is fatal to live too long. '| - Racine 'Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination.'| - Unknown 'Often you must turn your stylus to erase, if you hope to write anything worth a second reading.'| - Horace 'Oh, come on. If you can't laugh at the walking dead, who can you laugh at?'| - Dan Fielding 'Oh, no. Not another learning experience.'| - Unknown 'Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and only half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.'| - Rebecca Richards 'Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do.'| - Golda Meir (1898-1978) 'Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.'| - 14th Dalai Lama 'Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.'| - Unknown 'Old people like to give good advice, as solace for no longer being able to provide bad examples.'| - Franois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld 'On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.'| - Finagle's Third Law 'Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.'| - Horace 'Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.'| - Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics 'Once, adv.: Enough.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'One dog barks at something, and a hundred bark at the sound.'| - Chinese Proverb 'One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.'| - Unknown 'One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.'| - Henry B. Adams 'One half of the children born die before their eighth year. This is nature's law; why try to contradict it?'| - Jean Jacques Rousseau 'One lives in the hope of becoming a memory.'| - Antonio Porchia 'One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.'| - Unknown 'One man's folly is another man's wife.'| - Helen Rowland (1876-1950) 'One man's red tape is another man's system.'| - D. Waldo 'One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough.'| - James Thurber, American humorist (1894-1961) 'One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you. You do not change people's minds.'| - Frank Zappa 'One of the advantages of living alone is that you don't have to wake up in the arms of a loved one.'| - Marion Smith 'One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old enough to give you presents they make at school.'| - Robert Byrne 'One of the few rules of Evolution is that extreme specialization results in eventual extinction.'| - Hardin 'One of the greatest pieces of economic wisdom is to know what you do not know.'| - John Kenneth Galbraith 'One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.'| - Will Durant 'One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.'| - Unknown 'One of the weaknesses of our age is our apparent inability to distinguish our needs from our greeds.'| - Don Robinson 'One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.'| - Nancy, Lady Astor (1879-1964) 'One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.'| - Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) 'One should never make one's debut in a scandal. One should reserve that to give interest to one's old age.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'One should not try to sell roses in a fish market.'| - Unknown 'One thing the world needs is popular government at popular prices.'| - George Barker 'One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.'| - Robert Burton 'One's company, two's a crowd and three's a party.'| - Andy Warhol (1928-1987) 'Only dead fish swim with the stream.'| - Unknown 'Only fools are always sure. On occasion you have to be wise to be confused.'| - Unknown 'Only in America do they lock up the jury and let the prisoner go home.'| - Unknown 'Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.'| - Alex Levine 'Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant.'| - Unknown 'Only the ephemeral is of lasting value.'| - Ionesco 'Only the mediocre are always at their best.'| - Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944) 'Only the shallow know themselves.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Only the sinner has the right to preach.'| - Christopher Morley 'Only the winners decide what were war crimes.'| - Gary Wills 'Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.'| - Robert F. Kennedy 'On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.'| - Unknown 'Oop. Ack. Phbbbbbbbbbt.'| - Bill the Cat 'Operationally, God is beginning to resemble, not a ruler, but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.'| - Charles Darwin 'Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence.'| - Hebrew Proverb 'Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.'| - Ducharme's Precept 'Organized religion is on a par with organized crime - both are morally reproachable groups untouchable by the government.'| - Unknown 'Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.'| - Laurence Peter 'Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are gardeners.'| - William Shakespeare 'Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.'| - Vladimir Nabokov (1899-1977) 'Our first astronauts must be the wisest and the most temperate men, slow to revulsion, quick to sympathy...'| - Ray Bradbury 'Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions.'| - Edward R. Murrow 'Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.'| - Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 'Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.'| - Martin Luther King, Jr. 'Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.'| - General Omar Bradley 'Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.'| - Unknown 'Outer space is like Dolly Parton, you don't believe it, but it's there.'| - Unknown 'Outer space is no place for a person of breeding.'| - Lady Violet Bonham Carter 'Outlaw organized crime - Abolish the IRS!'| - Unknown 'Over and over again mediocrity is promoted because real worth isn't to be found.'| - Kathleen Norris, American author (1880-1960) 'Paranoia makes such a great hobby - at the very least, one is never bored.'| - Unknown 'Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth.'| - Peter Ustinov 'Part of my job as a coach is to keep the five guys who hate me away from the five guys who are undecided.'| - Casey Stengel 'Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like, and let the food fight it out inside.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'PAS - Print And Smear'| - The Unpublished Assembly Mnemonics #379.4 'Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.'| - Hackers Dictionary 'Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.'| - Eric Hoffer 'Passions are fashions.'| - Clifton Fadiman 'Patience is the ability to put up with people you'd rather put down.'| - Unknown 'Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel.'| - Samuel Johnson 'Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Peace may cost as much as war, but it is a better buy.'| - Unknown 'Peace rules the day, where reason rules the mind.'| - William Collins 'Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Pedestrians never seem to realize that they are a threat to the safety of cars.'| - Thomas Sowell 'People are always available for work in the past tense.'| - Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour 'People are always talking about tradition, but they forget we have a tradition of a few hundred years of nonsense and stupidity, that there is a tradition of idiocy, incompetence and crudity.'| - Hugo Demartini 'People are funny. They spend money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress folks they don't like.'| - Unknown 'People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.'| - Unknown 'People become progressively less competent for jobs they once were well equipped to handle.'| - Paul's Principle 'People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.'| - Robert Keith Leavitt 'People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.'| - Otto von Bismarck 'People who feel well are sick people neglecting themselves.'| - Jules Romains 'People who go broke in a big way never miss any meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy a half a slug who must tighten his belt.'| - Unknown 'People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.'| - Unknown 'People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.'| - Ogden Nash, American humorist and poet (1902-1971) 'People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.'| - Book review by Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.'| - Unknown 'People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.'| - The Sausage Principle 'People who never get carried away should be.'| - Malcolm S. Forbes, American publisher. 'People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.'| - Ogden Nash (1902-1971) 'People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.'| - Comin's Law 'People will believe anything if you whisper it.'| - The Whispered Rule 'People will buy anything that's one to a customer.'| - Lewis' Law 'People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.'| - Peter Sellers 'Perceiving reality is a biological necessity.'| - Francois Jacob 'Perfection, then, is finally achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.'| - Antoine de St. Exupry 'Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.'| - John Tudor 'Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to over-look the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary.'| - Martin Luther King, Jr. 'Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.'| - Jonathan Kozol 'Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die.'| - John W. Campbell 'Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women.'| - Katherine Hepburn 'Planets are smarter than astronomers because planets can solve the three-body problem.'| - Unknown 'Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.'| - Ashleigh Brilliant 'Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.'| - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) 'Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there are no rivers.'| - Nikita Khrushchev 'Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.'| - Arthur C. Clarke 'Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organization of hatreds.'| - Henry Brooks Adams 'Politics is applesauce.'| - Will Rogers (1879-1935) 'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.'| - Ronald Reagan 'Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.'| - John Kenneth Galbraith 'Politics is the art of the possible, the attainable... the art of the next best...'| - Otto von Bismark 'Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed.'| - Mao Zedong 'Politics power grows out of the barrel of a gun.'| - Mao Zedong 'Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue. It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright.'| - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) 'Power always has to be kept in check; power exercised in secret, especially under the cloak of national security, is doubly dangerous.'| - William Proxmire 'Power corrupts - isn't that what it's for?'| - Unknown 'Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.'| - Lord Acton 'Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.'| - J. P. McEvoy 'Practice is the best of all instructors.'| - Publilius Syrus 'Prejudice is the reason of fools.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'Preparation, knowledge, and discipline can deal with any form of danger.'| - Tom Clancy 'Preserve the old, but know the new.'| - Unknown 'Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.'| - Proverbs 16:18 'Print is the sharpest and the strongest weapon of our party.'| - Joseph Stalin 'Profanity is the language that all programmers know best.'| - Unknown 'Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.'| - Seventh Law of Computer Programming 'Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.'| - Hawkin's Theory of Progress 'Progress might be a circle, rather than a straight line.'| - Eberhard Zeidler 'Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.'| - Ogden Nash (1902-1971) 'Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.'| - Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom 'Projecting empaths - you gotta feel sorry for them.'| - Unknown 'Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.'| - Unknown 'Prophecy is the wit of a fool.'| - Vladimir Nabokov (1899-1977) 'Prophecy, n.: The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Prosperity is a great teacher; adversity a greater.'| - William Hazlitt 'Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond districts of the mind.'| - W. R. Alger 'Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.'| - Laurence J. Peter 'Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.'| - Boies Penrose 'Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.'| - Unknown 'Pure drivel tends to drive out ordinary drivel.'| - Kitman's Law 'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath.'| - Solon 'Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.'| - Unknown 'Put three grains of sand inside a vast cathedral, and the cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than space is with stars.'| - Sir James Jeans 'Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.'| - Unknown 'Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.'| - Unknown 'Quantum physics predicts the past with 80% accuracy.'| - Unknown 'Question authority, but raise your hand first.'| - Unknown 'Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason.| - Abraham Joshua Heschel 'Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman, but believing what he read made him mad.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.'| - Mort Sahl 'Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.'| - Confucius 'Real life... I hate that game - too little playability, too much realism.'| - Unknown 'Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.'| - Unknown 'Real wealth can only increase.'| - Buckminster Fuller 'Realism... has more to do with reality than anything else.'| - Hob Broun 'Reality is the only word in the language that should be used in quotes.'| - Unknown 'Really, we create nothing. We merely plagiarize nature.'| - Jean Baitaillon 'Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.'| - Karl Marx 'Rebellions of the belly are the worst.'| - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 'Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad for you.'| - Unknown 'Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Religion is the future tense of fear.'| - Unknown 'Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'Religion... is the opium of the masses.'| - Karl Marx 'Religion, n: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Religions tend to disappear with man's good fortune.'| - Raymond Queneau 'Religious conversion consists of pounding one's own words into a man's ears until they start coming out of his mouth.'| - Unknown 'Remember: Quantum Mechanics are people too.'| - Unknown 'Remember: The average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.'| - Unknown 'Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences.'| - Franois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld 'Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Reputation: What others are not thinking about you.'| - Unknown 'Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to think what nobody else has thought.'| - Albert Szent-Gyorgi 'Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.'| - Unknown 'Resolved, that the women of this nation in 1876, have greater cause for discontent, rebellion and revolution than the men of 1776.'| - Susan B. Anthony 'Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time'| - Sir J. Lubbock 'Resting on one's laurels makes for an uncomfortable bed, and only crushes the laurels.'| - A. Cygni 'Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.'| - George Burns 'Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals.'| - Oh, Lucky Man 'Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society than poor women without chastity.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them cleaner.'| - Andrew Malcolm 'Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.'| - Peter York 'Ronald Reagan has held the two most demeaning jobs in the country: President of the United States and radio broadcaster for the Chicago Cubs.'| - George Will 'Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.'| - Gore Vidal 'Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a Silly Statement Repair Team.'| - Mark Russell 'RRT - Read and Rip Tape'| - The Unpublished Assembly Mnemonics #97 'Rub her feet.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Saint, n.: A dead sinner revised and edited.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'San Francisco is like granola: Take away the fruits and the nuts, and all you have are the flakes.'| - Unknown 'Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.'| - Unknown 'Satire is what closes in New Haven.'| - Unknown 'Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.'| - Ernest Haskins 'Say what you will about the ten commandments; you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'Schizophrenia beats dining alone.'| - Unknown 'Science has overcome both time and space; Harvey has overcome not only both time and space, but any objections.'| - Elwood P. Dowd 'Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.'| - Ashley Montague 'Science is truth; don't be misled by facts.'| - Finagle's Creed 'Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.'| - Unknown 'Scripture teaches us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. All too often, [we] are as wise as doves and as harmless as serpents.'| - Moishe Rosen 'Secrecy begets tyranny.'| - Robert A. Heinlein, from Stranger in a Strange Land 'Seeing consists of the grasping of structural features rather than the indiscriminate recording of detail.'| - Rudolf Arnheim 'Sentimentality: the act of giving more love to God's creatures than God does.'| - Unknown 'Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the Farmer's Daughter.'| - Julius H. Comroe 'Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.'| - Muhammad Ali 'Set me anything to do as a task, and it is inconceivable the desire I have to do something else.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Seven stages of a project:| | 1) Enthusiasm. | 2) Complication. | 3) Panic.| 4) Disillusionment. | 5) Search for the guilty. | 6) Punishment of the innocent. | 7) Praise and honors for the non-participants.'| - Unknown 'Sex is dirty only when it's done right.'| - Woody Allen 'Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, chances are you won't either!'| - Joseph Fischer 'Sex is the most fun you can have without smiling.'| - Unknown 'Sex is the thing that takes the least time and causes the most trouble.'| - John Barrymore 'Sex is too important to take seriously.'| - Unknown 'Shakespeare is to theater what God is to religion: a key figure whose presence continues to be strongly felt, although it's been years since he's put in a personal appearance.'| - Unknown 'Shared pain is lessened; shared joy is increased.'| - Unknown 'She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words.'| - Unknown 'SHIFT to the left,|SHIFT to the right!|POP UP, PUSH DOWN,|BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!'| - The programmers cheer 'Show me a fiddler on the roof, and I'll show you a non-union musician.'| - Unknown 'Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.'| - Unknown 'Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.'| - Unknown 'Show me the man who doesn't want his gun registered, and I will show you a man who shouldn't have a gun.'| - Homer Cummings 'Silence is better than unmeaning words.'| - Pythagoras 'Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.'| - Unknown 'Sin only lies in hurting unnecessarily, all other sins are invented nonsense.'| - Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love (Robert A. Heinline) 'Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.'| - Charles de Gaulle 'Since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the minds of men that the defenses of peace must be constructed.'| - Constitution of the United Nations 'Singing makes all the sad people happy because it is the voice of happiness.'| - Joseph Shabalala 'Six years for possession of a cigarette? I got six months for possession of a deadly weapon.'| - Cartoon by S. Harris 'Skepticism, like chastity should not be relinquished too readily.'| - George Santayana 'Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands and goes to work.'| - Carl Sandburg 'Sleep is an eight-hour peep show of infantile erotica.'| - J. G. Ballard 'Sleep is conducive to beauty. Even velvet looks worn when it loses its nap.'| - Joan L. Zielin 'Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium.'| - Cyril Connolly 'Slurm, n.: The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Small may be beautiful, but big has the grandeur of size.'| - Unknown 'Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.'| - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 'Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.'| - Unknown 'So far, I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.'| - Kin Hubbard 'So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.'| - Psalms 90:10 'Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Society is a self-regulating mechanism for preventing the fulfillment of its members.'| - Celia Greene 'Society never recognizes ability, but it often leaves a few loopholes for it.'| - Celia Greene 'Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end. It all depends upon where the observer is standing.'| - Frank Herbert 'Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.'| - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 'Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.'| - T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) 'Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see what you would have wanted had you known.'| - Garrison Keillor 'Some men are discovered; others are found out.'| - Unknown 'Some men are so macho they'll get a woman pregnant just to kill a rabbit.'| - Unknown 'Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream things that never were and say "Why not?"'| - Robert F. Kennedy 'Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, unassisted.'| - Wilson Mizner 'Some of us drink from the fountain of Life; others just gargle.'| - Unknown 'Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun.'| - Pablo Picasso 'Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.'| - Joseph Heller: "Catch-22" 'Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.'| - Gordon R. Dickson 'Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.'| - Julie Andrews 'Some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a month.'| - Howells (1837-1920) 'Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are.'| - John W. Gardner 'Some people want to achieve immortality through their works or their descendants. I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.'| - Woody Allen. 'Some people won't accept pain; they just refuse delivery.'| - Unknown 'Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.'| - Unknown 'Some things have to be believed to be seen.'| - Unknown 'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.'| - Sigmund Freud 'Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood.'| - Augusto Pinochet 'Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.'| - Buckminster Fuller 'Sometimes it pleases the gods to visit itches upon a person with no arms.'| - Unknown 'Sometimes silence has the loudest voice.'| - Unknown 'Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin.'| - Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy 'Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.'| - David Letterman 'Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.'| - Sam Levenson (1911-1980) 'Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.'| - Fred Hoyle 'Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.'| - Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary 'Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.'| - Unknown 'Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.'| - Rich Hall: Sniglets 'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'| - W. C. Fields (1880-1946) 'Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.'| - Aaron Levenstein 'Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.'| - Wallace Irwin (1875-1959) 'Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.'| - Unknown 'Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.'| - Unknown 'Strange times call for strange heroes.'| - Unknown 'Strength lies not in defense but in attack.'| - Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) 'Stress is the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some jerk who desperately needs it.'| - Unknown 'Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.'| - Woody Allen 'Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and another $25 on the instant replay.'| - Unknown 'Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?'| - Unknown 'Success always necessitates a degree of ruthlessness. Given the choice of friendship or success, I'd probably choose success.'| - Sting (Gordon Summer) 'Success is achieving the top of the food chain.'| - Unknown 'Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.'| - Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) 'Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job.'| - Billings 'Support your local medical examiner - die strangely.'| - Unknown 'Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.'| - Mark Twain (1835-1910) 'Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.'| - Richard M. Nixon 'Surrealism aims at the total transformation of the mind and all that resembles it.'| - Breton 'Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.'| - Unknown 'Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.'| - Howard W. Newton 'Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.'| - Unknown 'Take care of the discord and the chaos will take care of itself.'| - Unknown 'Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'Take from me the hope that I can change the future and you will send me mad.'| - Israel Zangwill 'Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.'| - Andrew Jackson. 'Taking the path of least resistance, makes both men and rivers crooked.'| - Unknown 'Talent does you no good unless it is recognized by someone else.'| - R. Half 'Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.'| - Euripides 'Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else!'| - Murphy's law of team work 'Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.'| - Aldous Huxley 'Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.'| - Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 'Technology is a w3ay of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'| - Max Frisch 'Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.'| - David Frost 'Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.'| - Ann Landers 'Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.'| - Clive Barnes 'Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done.'| - Ernie Kovacs 'Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you... tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.'| - Unknown 'Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'That government is best which governs least.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.'| - Neil Armstrong 'The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.'| - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 'The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray.'| - Unknown 'The Agnostic's Prayer: |Oh my God, (if there is a God), |Save my soul, (if I have a soul).'| - Ernst Renan 'The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.'| - George Orwell (1903-1950) 'The alphabet will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls. They will trust the written characters and not remember themselves.'| - Socrates (470-399 B.C.) 'The American public knows what it wants, and deserves to get it good and hard.'| - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) 'The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.'| - Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876 'The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.'| - Gummidge's Law 'The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing.'| - Sir Ralph Richardson 'The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.'| - Voltaire (1694-1778) 'The atom bomb is a paper tiger... Terrible to look at but not so strong as it seems.'| - Mao Zedong 'The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.'| - Unknown 'The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.'| - Turnaucka's Law 'The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name.'| - Aldous Huxley 'The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but a transference of bones from one graveyard to another.'| - J. Frank Dobie 'The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think'| - Unknown 'The ballot is stronger than the bullet.'| - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) 'The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk.'| - Unknown 'The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in somebody else's.'| - Goodman Ace (1899-1982) 'The best Female Programmers are Stacked.'| - Unknown 'The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.'| - Arthur C. Clarke 'The best of seers is he who guesses well.'| - Euripides 'The best prophet of the future is the past.'| - Unknown 'The best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children.'| - Unknown 'The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it.'| - Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) 'The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.'| - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821) 'The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.'| - Unknown 'The best way to lose a friend is to tell him something for his own good.'| - Unknown 'The Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking forty days to find a place to park.'| - Unknown 'The bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go.'| - Galileo 'The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.'| - Nora Ephron 'The big majority of Americans, who are comparatively well off, have developed an ability to have enclaves of people living in the greatest misery without almost noticing them.'| - Gunnar Myrdal 'The bigger they are, the harder they hit.'| - Perkin's Postulate 'The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.'| - Merrick Furst 'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone.'| - Harriet Beecher Stowe 'The book above all others in the world which should be forbidden is a catalogue of forbidden books.'| - Lichtenberg 'The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.'| - Robert Frost 'The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition.'| - Unknown 'The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.'| - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 'The buck stops with the guy who signs the cheques.'| - Rupert Murdoch 'The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.'| - Murphy's Military Law #6 'The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced, the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt.'| - Cicero, Roman statesman (106 B.C.-43 B.C.) 'The camera cannot lie. But it can be an accessory to untruth.'| - Harold Evans 'The caribou love [the Alaska oil pipeline]. They run up against it, and they have babies.'| - George Bush 'The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.'| - Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity 'The cherry tomato is a marvelous invention, producing as it does a satisfactorily explosive squish when bitten.'| - Miss Manners 'The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.'| - Unknown 'The chief cause of problems is solutions.'| - Sevareid's Law 'The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.'| - Cyril Parkinson 'The civilized man is a more experienced and wiser savage.'| - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 'The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of things to worry about from Science, along with behavior control, genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.'| - Lewis Thomas 'The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.'| - Arthur Schopenhauer (1786-1860) 'The concrete world has slipped through the scientific net.'| - Alfred North Whitehead (1861-1947) 'The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.'| - Flip Wilson 'The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat.'| - John McNulty 'The coward regards himself as cautious; the miser, as thrifty.'| - Publilius Syrus 'The cruelest lies are often told in silence.'| - Robert Louis Stevenson 'The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.'| - Ellen Parr 'The day is the same length as anything that is the same length as it.'| - Lewis Carroll 'The dead man does not make a good travelling companion.'| - Unknown 'The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.'| - Robert Hutchins 'The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.'| - William James 'The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.'| - Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946) 'The depressing thing about being a poet is that no one will print your first novel.'| - Unknown 'The despot, be assured, lives night and day like one condemned to death by the whole of mankind for his wickedness.'| - Xenophon 'The dictatorship of the Communist Party is maintained by recourse to every form of violence.'| - Leon Trotsky 'The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.'| - Gerrold's Pronouncement 'The difference between a rich man and a poor man is this: the former eats when he pleases, the latter when he can get it.'| - Sir Walter Raleigh 'The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.'| - Liberace 'The difference between morals and ethics: Morals are what you do when only God is watching; ethics are what you do when not even He may be looking.'| - Unknown 'The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.'| - Woody Allen 'The dog howls in the night, but the caravan travels on.'| - August Kloppenburg 'The doors of Truth are guarded by Paradox and Confusion.'| - Unknown 'The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman.'| - Honor de Balzac 'The earth is the cradle of mankind, but one cannot live in the cradle forever.'| - Tsiolkovsky 'The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.'| - Joan Baez 'The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.'| - R. Buckminster Fuller 'The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never praising themselves.'| - Wyndham Lewis 'The environment is always the brainwasher, so that the well-adjusted person, by definition, has been brainwashed. He is adjusted. He's had it.'| - Marshall Mcluhan 'The essential cause of environmental pollution is overpopulation.'| - Jon Breslaw 'The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.'| - Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 'The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.'| - Roger Levian 'The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.'| - Proverbs 1:7 'The fewer clear facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion.'| - Unknown 'The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of women who love me.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'The final lesson of Vietnam is that no great nation can long afford to be sundered by a memory.'| - George Bush 'The finest edge is made with the blunt whetstone.'| - John Lyly 'The first condition of immortality is death.'| - Stanislaw Lec 'The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.'| - Abbie Hoffman 'The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.'| - Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) 'The first human being who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.'| - Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) 'The first precept was never to accept a thing as true until I knew it as such without a single doubt.'| - Rene Descartes 'The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool.'| - Richard Feynman 'The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.'| - Paul Erlich 'The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.'| - Milo Bloom 'The first step towards knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.'| - Richard Cecil 'The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.'| - William Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 2, act ii 'The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion to it's absurdity.'| - Proust 'The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization.'| - Alan Coult 'The follies which a man regret most in his life are those that he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.'| - Helen Rowland 'The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.'| - Buddha 'The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions - which time and mediocrity can solve.'| - Hugh Trevor-Roper 'The function of the artist is to provide what life does not.'| - Unknown 'The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.'| - Murphy's Military Law #7 'The future is like heaven - everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.'| - James Baldwin 'The future is much like the present, only longer.'| - Don Quisenberry 'The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.'| - John Sladek 'The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.'| - Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory 'The genius, wit, and spirit of a nation are discovered by their proverbs.'| - Sir Francis Bacon (1561-1626) 'The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.'| - Unknown 'The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.'| - Russell Baker 'The gods love heroes. They also love a good laugh. Think about it.'| - Unknown 'The gods too are fond of a joke.'| - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) 'The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.'| - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 'The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.'| - Unknown 'The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion.'| - George Washington 'The great masses of the people... will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one.'| - Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) 'The greatest productive force is human selfishness.'| - Unknown 'The greatest task before civilization at present is to make machines what they ought to be, the slaves, instead of the masters of men.'| - Havelock Ellis 'The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.'| - William James 'The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be kind.'| - G. 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