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"  #  $ "% "& "' ( ) *& +$"DDDDDDDDDEE"E$E&E,E.E0E>E@EBEbEdEfErEtEvEzE|E~EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFF F FFFF2F4F6FRFTFVF^F`FbFFFFFFGGGG8G:G<GhGjGlGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH&H(H*H<H>H@HNHPHRHfHhHjHvHxHzHHHHHHHHHHHHIIII,I.I0I@IBIDITIVIXIpIrItIxIIIII Quick View 1.45 The ST File Viewer(C) 1987,1989 by Darek Mihocka and Ignac Kolenko File:xxxxxxxx.xxx Lines: 000000 Size: 0000000 File type:ASCTXT DOC *.* Load & View Help View Info Print Exit Quick View 1.45 Quick View is shareware. Send $30 to:Darek MihockaBox 2624, Station BKitchener, Ontario N2H 6N2Canada Your one time $30 registration fee entitles you to receive documentation and an update disk which contains the entire library of Quick software, including Quick View, Quick Inf, Quick Find, Quick Index, and the Quick ST accessory. Your support of shareware is greatly appreciated.I will register! QuickView 1.45 When viewing text, use cursor keysto scroll through the file. - line upShift- - page up - line downShift- - page downHome - topShift Home - bottomReturn - page upspace - page down/ - 24/48 line toggle (monochrome)\ - inverse color toggle When viewing ZMAG ST or ST REPORT  - next topic - prev topicEsc - exit to main menuOK When viewing ST REPORT Tab - Table of Contents"       ( "      P  "   L*".&&         `"" 0  4&   @ 2    (        $@   "B" ( $ D(> P . \  *   *<,P,D    ,   L8    N        $$$2 $ $ $ $ | |  \  \ \  ^X<*$d. "$$X*   ( .$   ( & 2.0. -+|O * ||,---|| * ||@\--|| ||,---|| * ||,----| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ Bull Same bull after Rotc bull after Red-blooded American Bull seeing above cow seeing other bull shooting the Rotc bull (__) (__) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo) /-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | || * ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\ Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in trouble on grass on cow (__) (__) * (__) * (__) (oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo) /--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/ * o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / || ||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----|| ooo~~ ~~ ooooooooooooooooo ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit shit shit kicked out of her (__) (oo) U /-------\/ /---V / | || * |--| . * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters. (__) )__( vv vv (oo) (oo) ||----|| * /-------\/ *-------\/ || | / / | || / | || /\-------/ * ||----|| / ||----|| (oo) ~~ ~~ vv vv (~~) American Cow Polish Cow Australian Cow (__) (__) (__) (oo) ____ (oo) _---_(oo) /-------\/ /- --\/ /- -\/ / | || / | || /| || * ||----|| * ||___-|| * ||___-|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Freshman Cow Arriving at RIT After the "Freshman 15" After the "Freshman 20" (__) (__) (__) (OO) (@@) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to wash psychadelic mushrooms down psychadelic mushrooms ________________________ (__) / \ (oo) ( Meet our great leader! ) /-------\/ --'\________________________/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ # # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ### M M OOOO OOOO ### ###### ### MM MM O O O O ####### ####### M M M M O O O O # # M M M O O O O # ### ### # M M O O O O # # # # # # M M OOOO OOOO # # ### # ### # \\ # ### ### # \\ # # \\________ # ######## # \-------- # # ## ## # # # # # # ######### # # #### # # ###### ###### #### ########################### ### ## ## ## # # # ## # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### # # # # ##### # # ### # # # # # # # ##################### ######### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### ### #### #### ###### ### ###### ###### /\ __ / \ || (__) (__) \ / (_||_) SooS (oo) \/ (oo) /------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/ / | || / | || / S / | || * ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's to George Washington this cow cow * (__) (oo) \ (oo) /------\/ \-------\/ /| |/ | | ==$ || / | [) || ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to to Ceasar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday (___) (__) (__) ( O ) (oo) (oo) /-------\ / \/--------\/ / | ||V | | * ||----|| ||------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle (__) (__) [##] (@o) /-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__) / | || / | || / | || (oo) * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to to Flash Gordon the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman The following three cows were supposed to be appearing with the Celebrity Cows pictured above... However, I found out that they were sitting around a bar getting drunk discussing what exactly is art. The cows' conclusion: Art is a bunch of Bull(s). (____) (____) (____) (oo ) (o o) ( O O) /-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ / / || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/ / || |||| \ | | | | | / || |||| * ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----|||| /\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ~~~~ ~~~~ This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had four legs or eight Seeing as how it is Spring Break Season, I thought I would share with you some Vacation Ideas for any of you Cows out there on the Net who don't know where to go for some fun. - Steve "Hawk" Schultz Head of Heifer Control Well, first of all, there are theme parks and historic sites: O__O \_|_/ (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty There's the fun and warmth of the southwest: (__) ~~ (oo) ~~~~ /-------\/ ~~~~~ / | || ~~~~~ * ||----|| ~~~~~~~~ ====~~====~~==== ~~~~~~~~~/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu And on the other coast, while the water might be a little chilly up north, it is still exciting: )\ (__) / \ (oo) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cow swimming at Amityville (Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated) For those who believe in Winter Wonderland's, the Rockies present excitement galore: * \ \ |\ \ | \ (__) \\|| \(oo) \||\ \\/ ~~ \|| \\ || \\|| \|| ~~ \\_ \_ Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen And of course, the traditional Spring Break spot, where you can go for expensive beer and cheap sex: (__) (--) /-\/-\ /| |\ ~ | | ~ (__) | | (DD) /----\ /-------\/ / \ \ / | ||_\_/ ~ * ~ * ||----| Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale ~~ ~ (What a bod, huh guys?) Cow chugging brews and staring at sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale Or, for those who have trouble picking up members of the opposite sex: O O O O \ \ / / \ \ (__) / (__) \ \ (xx)/ (DD) \ +--------+\// /-------\/ \| | / / | || +--------+ * ||----|| ~~ ~~ Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull" at Gillies in Texas One more for you... \ (__) \\(oo) /-----\\\/ / | (##) * ||----||" ~~ ~~ This cow plays bagpipes. From: eric%ee88jlt@surrey.ee (Eric S. Raymond) (__) (__) (__) (\/) ($$) (**) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | 666 || / |=====|| / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Satanic cow This cow is a Yuppie Cow in love From: thomas%ee88jlt@surrey.ee (Thomas Barry) (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-'''''-\/ /-------------------\/ / |'''''|| / | || * ||''''|| * ||----------------|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Stretch Cow Cow in Argyle * ** ** * ** * * * ** * / / \ * * \ \ / \ / / * / / \ \ (__) \ \ / (00) / / \ /-------\/ \ \ / / | || / / \ \ * ||----|| \ \ / / ~~ ~~ / / Cow in Heat (__) /--------(00) / | |( ) * ||---- ||() || || ~~ ~~ Cow Chewing Marbles From: Anonymous (name withheld upon request) (___) (o o) /------\ / (__) / ____O (oo) | / /----\----\/ "Where did that camera come from!" /\oo===| / || | || *||~-----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ From: ihnp4%ee88jlt@suurey.ee (Kenneth G. Goutal) (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| OO OO Detroit cow \__\ o (oo) ____\___\/ / | || * ||----|| OO OO Mustang cow (__) (oo) *+-------\/ ||______|| ||----|| OO OO pickup cow (__) (oo) /---------------\/ / | || * ||------------|| OO OO li-moo-cow (__) (oo) /----\/ / || *-||----|| OO OO fastback cow \_||_~ (*||*) /-------\||/ / | || * ||----|| OO }{ teenager's cow The following has nothing to do with Detroit, but surely belongs among the canonical cows: ____ (____) (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ holy cow (__) (__) (oo)===(oo) /-------\/ \/-------\ / | || || | \ * ||----|| ||----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Siamese cows. / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / _______ / / / / / / | \ / / / / / (__)| / / / / / (oo)| / / /-------\/ | / / / | ||~_| / / * ||----| / / ~~ ~ Cow sheltering from English Weather (__) (oo) /---+ +--\/ / | | | || * ||-+ +-|| ~~ ~~ David Copperfield's Cow * David Copperfield's other Cow ..---.. / \ | RIP | | | | | | | | | \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////// Elvis's Cow ------- nnnnnn (__) n((nnn)n (oo) / (((n))(n)> \/ / (((BANG))> * u((u))u> uuuu | \ |\ ---- | \ | \ ~ ~ ~ ~ Cow designed by NASA (__) (oo) ----\/ || ---|| ~~ Eric the half a cow (__) (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ \/-------\ / | || -~~- || | \ * ||---- -~~- || * ~~ ~~ (__) (__) (oo) (oo) /-------\/ \/-------\ / | || || | \ * ||----|| ||----|| * ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Barnum's Troupe of performing cows (__) _--------_ (oo) |__________| BIG /-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC / | 007 || __________ * ||----|| |_ _| ~~ ~~ -------- Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow ___ --- ___ - / \ - / / \ \ A COW IN A PARACHUTE ( ( ) ) (BELIEVE IT OR NOT) \...\...../.../ \ / Drawn rather haphazardly \ / by a self confessed \ / non artist!! \ (__) \ (oo) /-------\/ / | || * ||----|| ~~ ~~ -- Thumbnail sketches -------------------------------------------------------- o/ ' \V/ o o O \_/ O . o _///_ // <`)= _<< \\\ \\ @---@ \. ./ \ / ==o== \ oo \____|\mm //_//\ \_\ /K-9/ \/_/ /___/_____\ ----------- _o_ [|o o|] |_O_| cyberman . ------- |-----| |II II| |II II| |II II| |II II| ------- /> The Broken Blade /< ________ ______________ C=====[*>_______/|______________> \< \> ~ /\ ^ / \ v IIII /....\ |:\_:| ^ / :..: \ | | | | -- Garfield - (c) 1988 John Arnold, Warwick ---------------------------------- _ ___ __ - - |- | / / | | ___/ / ____ | ___|_ _--~ / \ / \ )_ "Big, Fat, ( ( ) ) )_ Hairy Deal..." ( (______)_____) ) ( ___ ( ~ )__~ ) _ ) ( / \____/(__)_/ \ ) ( ( ~--______--~-___-~ ) ) ( - - ) (_ __/ --_____ / -- A Rose --------------------------------------------------------------------- . - ~ ~, .~_ . - ~.'~_~. .--~-. | { '-~ -. ` }.; _`.__|`.~.' _ _ .-: `---._ ." .-~ .-~ } \ \__ .~ .-~ .~ \ \' \ '_ _ -~ `.`. // . - ~ ~-.__`.`-.// .-~ . - ~ }~ ~ ~-.~-. .' .-~ .-~ |/~-.~-./| /_~_ _ . - ~ ~-.~-._ ~-.< -- Daleks (a la 'Dr Who') ----------------------------------------------------- -___________- (/ _ \) /_____(O)_____\ // / / | \ \ \\ ================= // / | | | | \ \\ =================== //// || || || || \\\\ |||| || || || || |||| /---___-----------,---\ | / \ -o- | / \___/ ' \ +---------------------+ /_ __ ___ __ _\ (__) (__) (___) (__) (__) |_ __ ___ __ _| (__) (__) (___) (__) (__) /_ ___ ___ ___ _\ (__) (___) (___) (___) (__) |_ ___ ___ ___ _| (__) (___) (___) (___) (__) /_______________________________\ ____,-,____ / `-' \ _ /_____________\=======(_) // / / | \ \ \\ ================= // / | | | | \ \\ =================== //// || || || || \\\\ |||| || || || || |||| /---------------------\ | |________/| | |--------\| +---------------------+ /_ __ ___ __ _\ (__) (__) (___) (__) (__) |_ __ ___ __ _\ (__) (__) (___) (__) (__) /_ ___ ___ ___ _\ (__) (___) (___) (___) (__) |_ ___ ___ ___ _\ (__) (___) (___) (___) (__) /___________________________________\ -- Stegosaurus-type piccy ----------------------------------------------------- . . / `. .' \ .---. < > < > .---. | \ \ - ~ ~ - / / | ~-..-~ ~-..-~ \~~~\.' `./~~~/ .-~~^-. \__/ \__/ .' O \ / / \ \ (_____, `._.' | } \/~~~/ `----. / } | / \__/ `-. | / | / `. ,~~| ~-.__| /_ - ~ ^| /- _ `..-' f: f: | / | / ~-. `-. _||_||_ |_____| |_____| ~ - . _ _ _ _ _> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- . . / `. .' \ .---. < > < > .---. | \ \ - ~ ~ - / / | DINOSAUR IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING BAAAAA ~-..-~@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~-..-~ \~~~\.'@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@`./~~~/ .-~~^-. \__/@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ \__/ .' O @@ \ /@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ /@@@@@@@@@@\ \ (_____,@@@ `._.'@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|@@@@@@@@@}@@\/~~~/ `----.@@@@@@@@@ /@@@@@@@}@@@@@|@@@@@@@@/@@@@\__/ `-.@@@@@@|@@@@@@@/@@@@@@|@@@@@@@/@@@@@@`. ,~~| ~-.__|@@@@@@/_ - ~ ^|@@@@@@/- _ @@@@@`..-' f: f: |@@@@@/ |@@@@@/ ~-.@@@@@`-. _||_||_ \|/ \|/ |_____| \|/ |_____| \|/ ~ - .@_@_@_@_@_> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- /~`\ /~`\ .---. < > < > .---. | \ \ - ~ ~ - / / | THIS IS DINO LOOKING ._____. ~-..-~ ~-..-~ SMART !! | | \~~~\.' `./~~~/ __|_____|__ \__/ \__/ .' 0 \ / / \ \ (_____) `._.' | } \/~~~/ _____| , / } | / \__/ `-----'-._. | / | / `. ,~~| `.__| /_ - ~ ^| /- _ `..-' . . | / | / ~-. `-. /|_/|, /_____\ /_____\ ~ - - . _ . _ / ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Pink Panther ----------------------------------------------------------- /''''. /'''. : :'':/ % /''.'. MMMM; ; ' / / / : : WWWW:-:##MMMM--'''-- // ,-' ; /' : 'WMMM ::.' .-'' ; .MM /.-- ....WMM' .-' ...---WW'' / / 'm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ndy Capp ------------------------------------------------------------------ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $ / / / / $ $ / / / / $ $ / / / / $ $ / / / / $ $ / / / $ $ / / / /$ $ / / / /$ $ / / / / $ $ / / / $ $ / / $ $ / / $ $$$$$$$$$ MMMMM $$$$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ $ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ` ) $$$ MMMMMMMMMMMMM $$$ MMMMM $$$ XXX I $$$ X // X I $$$ X // // //X I $$$ X/////////////////X I $$$ X // // // // //X I $$$ X//////////////////////////////X I $$$ X // // // // // X OO I $$$ X//////////////////////////X / I $$$ X // // OOO X// // X O I $$$ X/////////O / X////X O I $$$ X// // O OO O I $$$ X///////// O O /// I $$$ X // // O I $$$ X/////X O====* I $$$ XXX O I $$$ O O I $$$ O O I $$$ O//O O I $$$ O//////O O I $$$ O//////////O O I $$$ O//////////////O I $$$O////OOOOOO//////O I $$$O///O//////O/////O I $$$////O//////O//////O I $$$///O///////O//////O I $$$///O////////O/////O I $$$///O////////O//////OO I $$$//O/////////O///////O/O I $$$//O//////////O///////O//O .-.-.-I- $$$/O///////////O////////O////O .- (___) $$$/OOOOOOOOOOOOO/////////O///O-.-.-.- (___) $$$///// /////////////O//O (___) $$$///// //////////////OOO.-.-.-.-.-.--(___) $$$O//// ///////////////////0 $$$ O/// ///////////////////O $$$ O/// ////////////////////O $$$ O// //////////////////////O $$$ O///// ////////////////////O $$$ O////// //////////////OOOOOOO $$$OOOO///// //////OOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BBBB OOOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BBBB BB BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BBBB BB BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB BB BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB .BB. BBBB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB BBBB BBBBBB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BBBB BBBBBB . BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BBBBBB B B . BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB . B B . BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB . B B . BB OOOOOOOOOO $$$$$ BB . B B . BB NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN $$$$$ BB . BBBBBB . BB NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN $$$$$ BB . BBBBBB BBBBBB NNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNN $$$$$$BBBBBB BBBBBB BBBBBB -- The U.S.S. 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***III******XX*XX*****XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* ****.....***X******XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ........********XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ..........*****XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ............***XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ..........* ***XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ..........* ***XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* ** ..........* ***XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* ** ..........* ***XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX* * ..............* .. ..***XXXXXXXX**** * ............* ... .......***XXX***** * * * ........* ....... ...........******* ** * * ......* .......................*** *** * * ....* ..... .........* ***** * .*** * .....* ********** *** * * *** * * * ** ***** * ******* *********** -- LARGE Garfield poster ----------------------------------------------------- ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@'''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''@@@@@@@@@ @@@@'''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''''''@@@@@ @@@''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''@@@ @@''''''''''''''' ''''''''@@@ @'''''''''''''' ''''''@@ @''''''''''''' '''''@ @'''''''''''' ''''@ @'''''''''''' '''@ @ @''''''''''' ''@ @@@@@ @+@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @''''''''''' ''@ @@@@@+++++@@@@ @+@ @@@+++++++++++@@ @@@@@ @@ @@@@ @''''''''''' '@ @++++++++++++++@ @+++@ @+++++++++++++++@ @+++@ @++@@ @++++@@ @''''''''''' '@ @++++@@@@@+++++@ @+++@ @++++@@@@@@@+++++@ @+++@ @@+++++@ @++++@ @''''''''''' '@ @++@ @++++@ @++++@ @+++@ @++++@ @+++@ @+++++@@ @+++++@ @''''''''''' '@ @+++@ @++++@ @+++++@ @+++@ @++++@ @+++@ @+++++@ @++++@ @'''''''''' @ @+++@ @+++@@ @++++++@ Articles on Dr Who -- Dr Who - Episode List -- Dr Who - Bibliography -- Dr Who - are the Doctor and the Master the same person? -- Dr Who - Review of John Nathan-Turner's Seasons -- Dr Who - Behind the Scenes in Season 25 -- Dr Who - Knitting patterns for Tom Baker's Scarves -- Dr Who Episode List -------------------------------------------------------- Pro Num Title # episodes episodes not at BBC SEASON 1 - William Hartnell A An Unearthly Child 4 B The Daleks 7 C The Edge of Destruction 2 D Marco Polo 7 1-7 E The Keys of Marinus 6 F The Aztecs 4 G The Sensorites 6 H The Reign of Terror 6 4 & 5 SEASON 2 - William Hartnell J Planet of Giants 3 K The Dalek Invasion of Earth 6 L The Rescue 2 M The Romans 4 N The Web Planet 6 P The Crusade 4 1, 2, 4 Q The Space Museum 4 R The Chase 6 S The Time Meddler 4 SEASON 3 - William Hartnell T Galaxy Four 4 1-4 T/A Mission to the Unknown 1 1 U The Myth Makers 4 1-4 V The Dalek Masterplan 12 1-4,6-9,11-12 W The Massacre 4 1-4 Y The Ark 4 X The Celestial Toymaker 4 1-3 Z The Gunfighters 4 AA The Savages 4 1-4 BB The War Machines 4 SEASON 4 - William Hartnell CC The Smugglers 4 1-4 DD The Tenth Planet 4 4 SEASON 4 - Patrick Troughton EE The Power of the Daleks 6 1-6 FF The Highlanders 4 1-4 GG The Underwater Menace 4 1, 2, 4 HH The Moonbase 4 1, 3 JJ The Macra Terror 4 1-4 KK The Faceless Ones 6 2, 4-6 LL The Evil of the Daleks 6 1, 3-6 SEASON 5 - Patrick Troughton MM The Tomb of the Cybermen 4 1-4 NN The Abominable Snowmen 6 1, 3-6 OO The Ice Warriors 6 2 & 3 PP The Enemy of the World 6 1, 2, 4-6 QQ The Web of Fear 6 2-6 RR Fury from the Deep 6 1-6 SS The Wheel in Space 6 1, 2, 4, 5 SEASON 6 - Patrick Troughton TT The Dominators 5 UU The Mind Robber 5 VV The Invasion 8 1 WW The Krotons 4 XX The Seeds of Death 6 YY The Space Pirates 6 1, 3-6 ZZ The War Games 10 SEASON 7 - Jon Pertwee AAA Spearhead from Space 4 BBB Doctor Who and the Silurians 7 CCC The Ambassadors of Death 7 DDD Inferno 7 SEASON 8 - Jon Pertwee EEE Terror of the Autons 4 FFF The Mind of Evil 6 GGG The Claws of Axos 4 HHH Colony in Space 6 JJJ The Daemons 5 SEASON 9 - Jon Pertwee KKK Day of the Daleks 4 LLL The Curse of Peladon 4 MMM The Sea Devils 6 NNN The Mutants 6 OOO The Time Monster 6 SEASON 10 - Jon Pertwee RRR The Three Doctors 4 PPP Carnival of Monsters 4 QQQ Frontier in Space 6 SSS Planet of the Daleks 6 TTT The Green Death 6 SEASON 11 - Jon Pertwee UUU The Time Warrior 4 WWW Invasion of the Dinosaurs 6 XXX Death to the Daleks 4 YYY The Monster of Peladon 6 ZZZ Planet of the Spiders 6 SEASON 12 - Tom Baker 4A Robot 4 4C The Ark in Space 4 4B The Sontaran Experiment 2 4E Genesis of the Daleks 6 4D Revenge of the Cybermen 4 SEASON 13 - Tom Baker 4F Terror of the Zygons 4 4H Planet of Evil 4 4G Pyramids of Mars 4 4J The Android Invasion 4 4K The Brain of Morbius 4 4L The Seeds of Doom 6 SEASON 14 - Tom Baker 4M The Masque of Mandragora 4 4N The Hand of Fear 4 4P The Deadly Assassin 4 4Q The Face of Evil 4 4R The Robots of Death 4 4S The Talons of Weng-Chiang 6 SEASON 15 - Tom Baker 4V Horror of Fang Rock 4 4T The Invisible Enemy 4 4X Image of the Fendahl 4 4W The Sunmakers 4 4Y Underworld 4 4Z The Invasion of Time 6 SEASON 16 - Tom Baker (The Key to Time) 5A The Ribos Operation 4 5B The Pirate Planet 4 5C The Stones of Blood 4 5D The Androids of Tara 4 5E The Power of Kroll 4 5F The Armageddon Factor 6 SEASON 17 - Tom Baker 5J Destiny of the Daleks 4 5H City of Death 4 5G The Creature from the Pit 4 5K Nightmare of Eden 4 5L The Horns of Nimon 4 5M Shada 6 (never completed) SEASON 18 - Tom Baker 5N The Leisure Hive 4 5Q Meglos 4 5R Full Circle 4 5P State of Decay 4 5S Warriors' Gate 4 5T The Keeper of Traken 4 5V Logopolis 4 SEASON 19 - Peter Davison 5Z Castrovalva 4 5W Four to Doomsday 4 5Y Kinda 4 5X The Visitation 4 6A Black Orchid 2 6B Earthshock 4 6C Time-Flight 4 SEASON 20 - Peter Davison 6E Arc of Infinity 4 6D Snakedance 4 6F Mawdryn Undead 4 6G Terminus 4 6H Enlightenment 4 6J The King's Demons 2 6K The Five Doctors 1 (90-minute movie) SEASON 21 - Peter Davison 6L Warriors of the Deep 4 6M The Awakening 2 6N Frontios 4 6P Resurrection of the Daleks 2 (45-minute parts) 6Q Planet of Fire 4 6R The Caves of Androzani 4 SEASON 21 - Colin Baker 6S The Twin Dilemma 4 SEASON 22 - Colin Baker 6T Attack of the Cybermen 2 (45-minute parts) 6V Vengeance on Varos 2 (45-minute parts) 6X Mark of the Rani 2 (45-minute parts) 6W The Two Doctors 3 (45-minute parts) 6Y Timelash 2 (45-minute parts) 6Z Revelation of the Daleks 2 (45-minute parts) SEASON 23 - Colin Baker (The Trial of a Time Lord) 7A The Mysterious Planet 4 7B Mindwarp 4 7C Terror of the Vervoids 4 7C The Ultimate Foe 2 SEASON 24 - Sylvester McCoy 7D Time and the Rani 4 7E Paradise Towers 4 7F Delta and the Bannermen 3 7G Dragonfire 3 SEASON 25 - Sylvester McCoy 7H Remembrance of the Daleks 4 7L The Happiness Patrol 3 7K Silver Nemesis 3 7J Greatest Show in the Galaxy 4 -- Dr Who - Bibliography ------------------------------------------------------ Since this is a slightly different request from the standard 1 author list, I've had to use a different format. I don't have years for most of the books; my refernces aren't great when dealing with British books. The #'s are the series number defined by the publisher (Target). I rather enjoy the TV series (Tom Baker, Jon Pertwee & what I've seen of Sylvester McCoy), but I've never read any of the novelizations. [NF] == Non-Fiction ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Doctor Who Novelizations] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Abominable Snowmen [1974] [#1] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Android Invasion [] [#2] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Androids of Tara [] [#3] Ian Marter Doctor Who and The Ark in Space [] [#4] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Armageddon Factor [] [#5] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Auton Invasion [1974] [#6] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Brain of Morbius [] [#7] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Carnival of Monsters [] [#8] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Cave Monsters [1974] [#9] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Claws of Axos [] [#10] David Fisher Doctor Who and The Creature from the Pit [] [#11] David Whitaker Doctor Who and The Crusaders [1965] [#12] Brian Hayles Doctor Who and The Curse of Peladon [1974] [#13] Gerry Davis Doctor Who and The Cybermen [1974] [#14] Barry Letts Doctor Who and The Daemons [1974] [#15] David Whitaker Doctor Who and The Daleks [] [#16] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Dalek Invasion of Earth [] [#17] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Day of the Daleks [1974] [#18] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Deadly Assassin [] [#19] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Death to the Daleks [] [#20] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Destiny of the Daleks [] [#21] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Dinosaur Invasion [] [#22] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Doomsday Weapon [1974] [#23] Ian Marter Doctor Who and The Enemy of the World [] [#24] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Face of Evil [] [#25] Andrew Smith Doctor Who -- Full Circle [] [#26] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Genesis of the Daleks [] [#27] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Giant Robot [] [#28] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Green Death [] [#29] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Hand of Fear [] [#30] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Horns of Nimon [] [#31] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and Horror of Fang Rock [] [#32] Brian Hayles Doctor Who and The Ice Warriors [] [#33] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and Image of the Fendahl [] [#34] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Invasion of Time [] [#35] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Invisible Enemy [] [#36] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Keeper of Traken [] [#37] Philip Hinchliffe Doctor Who and The Keys of Marinus [] [#38] David Fisher Doctor Who and The Leisure Hive [] [#39] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Loch Ness Monster [] [#40] Chris Bidmead Doctor Who -- Logopolis [] [#41] Philip Hinchliffe Doctor Who and The Masque of Mandragora [] [#42] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Monster of Peladon [] [#43] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Mutants [] [#44] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Nightmare of Eden [] [#45] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Planet of the Daleks [] [#46] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Planet of Evil [] [#47] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and Planet of the Spiders [] [#48] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Power of Kroll [] [#49] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Pyramids of Mars [] [#50] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Revenge of the Cybermen [] [#51] Ian Marter Doctor Who and The Ribos Operation [] [#52] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Robots of Death [] [#53] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Sea Devils [1974] [#54] Philip Hinchliffe Doctor Who and The Seeds of Doom [] [#55] Ian Marter Doctor Who and The Sontaran Experiment[][#56] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The Space War [] [#57] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the State of Decay [] [#58] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Stones of Blood [] [#59] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Sunmakers [] [#60] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Talons of Weng-Chiang [#61] Gerry Davis Doctor Who -- The Tenth Planet [] [#62] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and Terror of the Autons [] [#63] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Three Doctors [] [#64] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Time Warrior [] [#65] Gerry Davis Doctor Who and The Tomb of the Cybermen[][#66] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and the Underworld [] [#67] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and An Unearthly Child [] [#68] Eric Saward Doctor Who and The Visitation [] [#69] Malcolm Hulke Doctor Who and The War Games [] [#70] John Lydecker Doctor Who and Warrior's Gate [] [#71] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who and The Web of Fear [] [#72] Bill Strutton Doctor Who and The Zarbi [1965] [#73] Peter Grimwade Doctor Who -- Time-Flight [] [#74] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Meglos [] [#75] Chris Bidmead Doctor Who -- Castrovalva [] [#76] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Four to Doomsday [] [#77] Ian Marter Doctor Who -- Earthshock [] [#78] John Lydecker Doctor Who -- Terminus [] [#79] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Arc of Infinity [] [#80] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Five Doctors [] [#81] Peter Grimwade Doctor Who -- Mawdryn Undead [] [#82] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Snakedance [] [#83] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Kinda [] [#84] Barbara Clegg Doctor Who -- Enlightenment [] [#85] Ian Marter Doctor Who -- The Dominators [] [#86] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Warriors of the Deep [] [#87] John Lucarotti Doctor Who -- The Aztecs [] [#88] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- Inferno [] [#89] Gerry Davis Doctor Who & The Highlanders [] [#90] Chris Bidmead Doctor Who -- Frontios [] [#91] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Caves of Androzani [] [#92] Chris Bidmead Doctor Who -- Planet of Fire [] [#93] John Lucarotti Doctor Who -- Marco Polo [] [#94] Eric Pringle Doctor Who -- The Awakening [] [#95] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Mind of Evil [] [#96] Donald Cotton Doctor Who -- The Myth Makers [] [#97] Ian Marter Doctor Who -- The Invasion [] [#98] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Krotons [] [#99] Robert Holmes Doctor Who -- The Two Doctors [] [#100] Donald Cotton Doctor Who -- The Gunfighters [1985] [#101] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Time Monster [1985] [#102] Eric Saward Doctor Who -- The Twin Dilemma [1985] [#103] William Emms Doctor Who -- Galaxy Four [1985] [#104] Glen McCoy Doctor Who -- Timelash [1985] [#105] Philip Martin Doctor Who & Vengeance on Varos [1985] [#106] Pip & Jane Baker Doctor Who -- The Mark of the Rani [1985] [#107] Terence Dudley Doctor Who -- The King's Demons [1986] [#108] Ian Stewart Black Doctor Who -- The Savages [1986] [#109] Victor Pemberton Doctor Who -- The Fury from the Deep [1986] [#110] Davis, & Bingeman Doctor Who -- The Celestial Toymaker [1986] [#111] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Seeds of Death [1986] [#112] Terence Dudley Doctor Who -- Black Orchid [1986] [#113] Paul Erickson Doctor Who -- The Ark [1986] [#114] Peter Ling Doctor Who -- The Mind Robber [1986] [#115] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Faceless Ones [1986] [#116] Glyn Jones Doctor Who -- The Space Museum [1987] [#117] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who -- The Sensorites [1987] [#118] Ian Marter Doctor Who -- The Reign of Terror [1987] [#119] Donald Cotton Doctor Who -- The Romans [1987] [#120] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who -- The Ambassadors of Death [1987] [#121] John Lucarotti Doctor Who -- The Massacre [1987] [#122] Ian Stuart Black Doctor Who -- The Macra Terror [1987] [#123] Ian Marter Doctor Who -- The Rescue [1987] [#124] Pip and Jane Baker Doctor Who -- Terror of the Vervoids [1987] [#125] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who -- The Time Meddler [1987] [#126] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who & The Mysterious Planet [1987] [#127] Pip and Jane Baker Doctor Who & Time and the Rani [1987] [#128] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who & The Underwater Menace [1988] [#129] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who & The Wheel in Space [1988] [#130] Pip and Jane Baker Doctor Who & The Ultimate Foe [1988] [#131] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who & The Edge of Destruction [1988] [#132] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who & The Smugglers [1988] [#133] Stephen Wyatt Doctor Who & Paradise Towers [1989] [#134] Malcolm Kohill Doctor Who & Delta and the Bannermen [1989] [#135] Ian Stuart Black Doctor Who: The War Machines [1989] [#136] Ian Briggs Doctor Who & Dragonfire [1989] [#137] Eric Saward Doctor Who & Attack of the Cybermen [1989] [#138] Philip Martin Doctor Who & Mindwarp [1989] [#139] John Peel Doctor Who & The Chase [1989] [#140] [Other Doctor Who Books] Airey & Haldeman Travel Without the TARDIS [] [NF] Tony Attwood Companions: Turlough and the Earthlink Dilemma [] Jeremy Bentham Doctor Who: The Early Years [1986] [NF] Anthony Coburn Script Book One: An Unearthly Child [] [NF] Terrance Dicks Junior Doctor Who and the Brain of Morbius [] Terrance Dicks Junior Doctor Who and the Giant Robot [] Terrance Dicks Dalek Omnibus [] [NF] Terrance Dicks Adventures of K9 and Other Mechanical Creatures [] [NF] Terrance Dicks Doctor Who Dinosaur Book [] [NF] Terrance Dicks The Second Doctor Who Monster Book [] [NF] Terrance Dicks Terry Nation's Dalek Special [] [NF] Dicks & Hulke The Making of Doctor Who [] [NF] Gary Downie The Doctor Who Cookbook [1986] [NF] Terence Dudley Companions: K-9 and Company [] Joy Gammon The Doctor Who Pattern Book [1986] [NF] Peter Haining The Doctor Who File [1986] [NF] Peter Haining Doctor Who: The Key to Time [1984] [NF] Peter Haining Doctor Who: A Celebration [] [NF] Peter Haining Doctor Who: The Time Traveler's Guide [1987] [NF] Mark Harris Build the Tardis [] [NF] Mark Harris Doctor Who Technical Manual [] [NF] Adrian Heath Doctor Who: Brain Teasers & Mindbenders [] [NF] Mat Irvine Doctor Who Special Effects [] [NF] Jean-Marc Lofficier Programme Guide Vol. 1 (The Programmes) [] [NF] Jean-Marc Lofficier Programme Guide Vol. 2 (What's What, Who's Who) [] [NF] Ian Marter Companions: Harry Sullivan's War [] John Nathan-Turner Doctor Who: The TARDIS Inside Out [1986] [NF] John Nathan-Turner Doctor Who: The Companions [1986] [NF] Quinn & Howett Doctor Who Fun Book [1987] [NF] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who Quiz Book [] [NF] Nigel Robinson Second Doctor Who Quiz Book [] [NF] Nigel Robinson Third Doctor Who Quiz Book [] [NF] Nigel Robinson Doctor Who Crossword Book [] [NF] David Saunders Encyclopedia: The World of Doctor Who Vol. 1 [] [NF] Eric Saward Slipback [] Andrew Skilleter Timeview: The Works of Frank Bellamy [] [NF] Lesley Standring Doctor Who Illustrated [1985] [NF] Tulloch & Alvarado Doctor Who: The Unfolding Text [1984] [NF] -- Dr Who - are the Doctor and the Master the same person? -------------------- After about 9 regenerations the Doctor interfered (will interfere) with Earth history too far. The result was the almost complete destruction of Earth society, leaving the remnants scattered on places like Frontios. Rumour has it the Earth was moved to another sector of the galaxy as well. This drove the Doctor insane. As he began to lose touch with reality, he began to envy his earlier, happier self, and somehow sought to gain back the life in his earlier regenerations. His twisted mind decided that somehow it would work if he 'stole' those regenerations from his 6th incarnation. He thus re-entered Time-Lord society as a Valyard, and arranged matters so that his 6th self would be tried for crimes with the Valyard as the prosecutor. He failed, foiled by his earlier self, and was driven further into insanity, soon forgetting his past, at least at the conscious level. With a stolen newer Tardis he returned to his former favourite planet, regenerated, to play with history as the 'Time Meddler' or 'Monk.' He met up with his 1st self at that time, no longer remembering who he was meeting. He was trapped by his 1st self because his Tardis was disabled. He had to re-engineer his way in using primative tools, and in fact stayed there long enough to regenerate. After many years he mistakenly thought he developed a method of Tardis remote control. He sold this to the 'War Lords' in exchange for rescue from Earth and position. He helped them in their 'War Games' but was discovered by his 2nd self. This 2nd self called the Time Lords to stop the war games and both incarnations were captured. The Time Lords, realizing they had two incarations of the Doctor punished the 2nd without revealing the nature of the 12th. It was actually quite difficult for them to detect that the two were one, as the insanity had progressed to the level that the psych profiles all Time Lords learn to recognize were no longer similar. The Time Lords pretended to kill the War Chief/Doctor, but wanted instead to cure him. This caused him to regenerate, but they failed in their cure and he escaped. He was now totally mad, and totally evil. He no longer knew anything of his past, but he 'knew' that he had a long-standing relationship with the Doctor, and that they were ancient enemies. He took upon himself the title 'Master,' and strove to destroy his ancient enemy, his enemy's favourite planet and anything else in his way. That is, his conscious mind took on this task. His subconscious mind was still aware of his identity with the earlier regenerations of the Doctor, and so refused to let the Master actually kill the Doctor. Thus is that the Master, whenever he has the Doctor in his clutches, always devises some way or means for the Doctor to escape. He never kills him outright -- his subconscious knows that to be impossible. Instead he pretends that his goal is to humiliate him. It's really a battle with himself, both mentally and, due to time travel and regeneration, in reality. When the Master ran out of regenerations he stole the body of Nyssa's father, and now exists in a non-Galifreyan body. It is uncertain what will become of this. At some point the Master may awaken and realize his true identity. The earlier Doctor knows nothing of this. When a Time Lord meets himself, the laws of time require that one incarnation forget the affair. Normally it is the earlier one, but this not necessary. As the Master has forgotten his past self, the Doctor is able to remember encounters with the Master. Oddly enough, the episode 'The Five Doctors' was called that because of the presence of the Master, as a fifth Doctor. The 4th incarnation was not actually there, and thus not counted in the five. It is also interesting to note that when the 14th Doctor (Ainley) meets the '1st' (Hurndall) he tells him that they were at the Academy together. This is part of the complex history the Doctor/Master has invented for himself to explain the long association he knows he has had with the Doctor. So this is the real story, or so a DW insider told me once at a Con party. Don't know when they plan to reveal it. At least they didn't pretend that he turned female is one regeneration to become the Rani, or that he was Drax at another point! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... 8-) -- Dr Who - Review of John Nathan-Turner's Seasons ---------------------------- The Review of the JN-T Era by Joe Ogulin and Louis Singh To help place the time, the year is 1980. Tom Baker is starting his seventh year as the Doctor, and the man in the Hawaiian shirt takes over as producer.... The Leisure Hive - The Doctor bypasses the randomizer and brings the TARDIS to the planet Argolis, a planet devastated by an 18 minute conflict with its old enemy, the Foamasi. The story involves the attempt to sell the hive on Argolis to the Foamasi and its violent opposition by Pangol, an Argolin. Pangol uses the Tachyon Recreation Generator to produce an army of himself (gee, instant cloning...). The Doctor thwarts Pangol (obviously...he's the hero...) and Pangol and his mum are returned to a younger age by the TRG. The story has an excellent appearance: good sets, good sfx, and an excellent premise. The story line, however, is quite dull. Overall, this is a mediocre story, but it is a refreshing change from Graham Williams and anyone before him. The opening credits and theme provide a shock to someone not expecting a change, and disgust for any who don't like the change. Meglos - The Doctor travels to Tigella to visit an old friend, Zastor, because of a problem with the Dodecahedron. The Doctor is tossed into a chronic hysteresis (sounds like something most women wouldn't want to get near...), manages to get out by throwing it out of phase (if he didn't we wouldn't have a story...). Once he gets to Tigella, however, he finds that he's already been there...well, Meglos has been there and impersonated him. Meglos is a cactus-like alien from Zolfa-Thura, the neigboring planet. The Dodecahedron is an immense power source for some planet-frying ray gun (the ultimate six-shooter...all right, twelve-shooter...). He manages to save the day (yet again...) by impersonating Meglos, destroying him, and the Dodecahedron in the process. Blech! The only possible redeeming feature is the reappearance of Jaqueline Hill as the high priestess. Full Circle - A Charged Vacuum Emboitement causes problems for our heroes by sending them into E-Space and putting them on planet at the same coordinates as Gallifrey, only tack a negative sign on the front. The planet is called Alzarius. When they arrive, it is time for Mistfall (quite an original name, don't you think?). The Marshmen (yet another original name...) come out of the marsh (where else??) nearest the Starliner (again, where else??). They try to take over the Starliner, but are countered by the Doctor. Adric tags along at the end, unknown to the Doctor, Romana, and K-9. Eeegad!! Boring!! Preachy!! We've actually figured out what that negative sign means: rather than being inhabited by time-geriatrics, Adric is from this planet. To top it off, this story was done by a then 19 year old Doctor Who fan. State of Decay - Still in E-Space, the TARDIS lands on a medieval-like planet. The castle turns out to be a space ship and the three rulers are the original officers, whereas their subjects are descendants of the original inhabitants (no wonder those three were so hungry...). The Doctor discovers that the Great Vampire, last of a race destroyed by the time lords (non-interference, huh?) is here and turned the three officers into vampires. Using a scout ship as a stake, the Doctor kills the Great Vampire. Louis: this is easily the best story of the season. Joe: this is one of the two best stories of the season. This story finally made it to the screen after being bumped by the Beeb, eventually to be replaced by Horror of Fang Rock - yet another of Michael Grade's intelligence attacks. Only bad part is the appearance of the Great Vampire. Great Marionette might be a little more appropriate. Warriors' Gate - A time-sensitive Tharil (looks like a Thundercat...) takes control of the TARDIS. The Doctor and Romana manage to free Biroc (the live Thundercat...) and his people. K-9 is damaged in the process (gee, JN-T, you're clever...), Romana and K-9 stay behind, and the Doctor leaves E-Space with Adric in the TARDIS (MISTAKE!!!!). Confusing, though once you figure it out (or read the novelization --Louis), it is actually quite good. Having to do all that works against it. Louis: certainly one of the clumsiest exits of companions. The Keeper of Traken - The Keeper of the Source (yet another original name...) asks the Doctor for help during the trying times of succession. Tremas (rearrange, please...rather literally...) is to be the successor, but his wife, Kassia doesn't want him to be the new Keeper. An evil statue (guess who...) suddenly appears, wreaks havoc (what else?) and gains control of the source for a period of time. The Doctor winds up confronting his old enemy (if you rearranged properly before, you'd know who...), defeats him, and by process of elimination, since Tremas, Kassia, and Seron bought it, and Katura didn't want it, Luvic becomes the Keeper. Tremas's body is appropriated by...well, you'd better know who by now... Flop! Right on its face...or posterior, slightly below the coccyx (take your pick...we don't pick ours, personally...) A nice idea thrown out the window with a crummy plot. Oh well... Redeeming factor: Denis Carey, who played Professor Chronotis in "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency"...er, "Shada." Logopolis - The city of living math, or logic, or whatever, is visited by the Doctor in an attempt to repair the chameleon circuit in the TARDIS. Unfortunately, you know who tries to take over. The city's inhabitants become dust, because they can't speak the language of mathematics, so they can't keep the CVE's stable (now where did we hear that term before? by the way, did anyone know what happened to the Second Law of Thermodynamics in this story?) The Doctor has to collaborate with you know who to save you know what before the end of the universe...considering it's past the point of natural heat death and the CVE's (here we go again...) are keeping the universe alive (neat...get a physics prof to explain the whole thing...bet he can't...). After stabilizing a CVE, the Doctor has to fall from the Jodrell Bank Observatory so he can regenerate... Two new companions are also introduced: the brain and the mouth on legs.... Louis: episode 4 is the best of the season, but it's a pity that the Master hasn't been that good since, except maybe for "The Five Doctors." Where's an entropy field? Didn't you hear? It's just outside of Leeds. Joe: other only good story of the season. The showing of the companions and enemies during his "hang-out" and "lay-out" are a nice touch, considering the length of Tom's tenure. The story itself starts off a bit slow, but picks up as it goes on, and finishes with quite a blast, so to speak.... Season overall - Much better production values, probably because they cheated with the episode length (21 minutes as opposed to the old 23 minutes, with each having 2 minutes of recaps, plus longer titles --Louis). The music became "mod." Make your own decisions, but this was probably the best version of it during JN-T's time. Louis: the incidental music seemed quite tinny and the stories weren't even up to the previous season, except where noted. With the exception of Leisure Hive 1 and 2, Meglos 1, and Logopolis 3, the cliff-hangers were pretty bad and unmemorable. Joe: the season definitely marked a change of producers. New music (theme and incidental), a whole new production crew, a new personality and scarf for our best friend, bad stories, and some bad companions are all forebodings of things yet to come under JN-T's reign. Castrovalva - Pick up with a brief recap of the regeneration scene, cut to the opening credits, then on with the story... Trying to recover from regenerating, the Doctor seeks the zero room, and actually manages to get in there for a while. Unfortunately, Event 1 is not a pleasant place to be, and when the Doctor jettisons a quarter of the TARDIS (how large is a quarter of infinity?), and, accidentally (yeah, right...PLOT DEVICE!), the zero room. Needing someplace quiet to rest, the trio (Adric's with you know who) journeys to Castrovalva. Unfortunately, recursion does nasty things to an unstable mind after regenerating. You know who turns out to be the Portrieve, the ruler of this recursive town. The Doctor rescues Adric (unfortunately), recovers, and leaves you know who to be trapped in his own creation as it collapses in on itself. Louis: to quote an old lady, "Wheeeere's the PLOT?" Entertaining, and quite an interesting idea. Finally we get an explanation as to why the Doctor NEEDS the TARDIS after regenerating. Four to Doomsday - This one doesn't even deserve a summary of it. We didn't think that the "Four" meant four episodes. It does have two memorable cliffhangers: 1 and 2. If this one comes around, ignore it, unless you really want a complete video library of all stories. Kinda - This is what happens when the writer has never written for television before, and doesn't understand cliffhangers or the term 25 minute episodes. Anyway, the story itself involves Tegan's journey "behind" a mirror (hello, Alice....) and her picking up the Mara in this place. It has the Doctor and Adric trying to find her, and when they do, they have to suppress the Mara without killing Tegan and what's-his-name...no, not you know who... Yuck! Isn't even worth a review, except that the story has character (about OCT 177)... The Visitation - The Doctor just kinda goes to London around the time of the Great Fire (see what's coming yet?) near Pudding Lane (need more help?). There, he meets an android and some Terileptils who are very artistic and totally war-like and want to destroy London for no very good reason. The Terileptils breed an extremely virulent strain of the black plague, and the Doctor destroys the infected rats with fire. As you can see, we don't particularly care for this story. It has no redeeming features whatsoever, and neither of us understands how they kept the rats in those cages if they were carrying a disease. Black Orchid - The Doctor, et al, land in Victorian England at a railroad station. There, he is met by a chauffeur, who mistakes him for another doctor. After playing cricket (show-off), the Doctor is invited to a masquerade ball. There, we meet Nyssa's double, Ann. A rash of murders brings suspicion on you know Who (no, not that you know who...), but it is eventually found that it is the mad George Cranleigh, having returned from Africa, minus a tongue. Louis: my favorite of the season. Lo and behold, an historical story! Accurate, even...well, almost. It is actually authentic in style, and Adric is kept out of most of it by keeping him near the buffet (keeping fat, wouldn't you say?). Earthshock - The compilation Cyberstory. The best part...the end of episode 4... Louis: it should be noted that the reason Tegan and Nyssa have to hide their faces is so nobody sees them giggling. That scene convinced me that PD is an excellent actor...he actually looks hurt. Wow! We even get to see new Cybermen! Complete with metallic chins under their masks/helmets. They even have emotion, too. Despite all this, they actually look really sharp. Time-Flight - You know who is back trying to get you know Who. Kidnapping concordes via time corridors (yes, you'll see these again) seems a bit contrived. The passengers on the concordes are used to dig out the Xeraphin consciousness. In the end, you know who is trapped by you know Who, and left within the Xeraphin consciousness. (Sound familiar?) Do we really need to review this one? See Castrovalva for a little more on plot devices. This is the prototype wimpy you know who story. Overall - Take a good guess....*YAWN* "wake" us "when it's over." Season 20! The Anniversary! Arc of Infinity - The return of Omega! (didn't he contact matter 10 years ago? 10 years ago today, even!) Anyway, the Doctor's body is to be the template for Omega's return to this universe. Councillor Hedin turns out to be the one in league with Omega, explaining why he tried so hard to keep the Doctor alive, despite the high council's decision. Unfortunately, for Tegan and her cousin, yes, she's back (bare, too ;-) ), Omega intends to convert the water source near Amsterdam and guess who to his power supply. However, you know Who stops you know what from happening, and sends Omega back to the universe of anti-matter. Louis: the most redundant episode of the entire era is number 4... come on...you can't tell me that this wasn't 3 episodes long. Joe: why can the Doctor defeat him here on his own, while JP needed PT and WH to help? On the whole, this is actually quite entertaining. Snakedance - Tegan's having bad dreams. (JLOTB!) The Doctor makes a device that inhibits dreaming. Unfortunately, this leaves Tegan in a walking-sleeping state. Of course, she gets into trouble (as is usual with any companion), and this big-asp snake tries to take over her and the prince...the big-asp snake's name? The Mara (remember it?). The Doctor enlists the help of Dojjen to help him fight the Mara. As is usual, he succeeds. Tegan is returned to her big-mouth state. Louis: everything in this is just reasonable - plot, cliffhangers, characters, etc. Solid, but nothing near as good as what everyone thinks. Joe: *YAWN*...a bit better than his earlier attempt at this story, but not worth my time. Mawdryn Undead - Hello, Brigadier! :-) You know Who materializes aboard a space ship in a warp ellipse. (The odds against this happening are, of course, 7G:1 (G don't mean grand here...try Giga)). You know Who goes you know where to find a way out of it. He travels in an overgrown eggbeater, where he runs into Mr. Dunderhead. (See above) Here, he also meets a guy working for some dude with a chicken on his head. (you'd better know who we're talking about here....in both cases) Dunderhead can't remember him because of something that happened, er will happen, er happened, er...well, you get the picture. You know Who can't get the you know WHAT to get you know where. Tegan and Nyssa meet Mr. Dunderhead, when he should be in UNIT, but is actually working in a boys' school, where he can actually remember the Doctor. Of course, $#!T happens, and you know Who has to give up guess how many of guess what to allow the $#!T that happened to die. Of course, there's a reason why Dunderhead couldn't, er won't be able to, er can't, er...oh heck with it, remember you know Who. Ever wonder what it's like to meet yourself? (we avoid this because of the damage it might cause to the immediate area) Well, that saves you know Who and Dunderhead. In fact, in spite of everything we've written, this is, actually, dramatically, the best story of the season. Terminus - Again, the guy with the chicken on his head appears, and tries to get the guy working for him to kill you know Who. Unfortunately, the guy working for him gets a pang of conscience (what's that?). Meanwhile, Nyssa contracts space leprosy (Lazar's disease, for those who want to get technical) and has to be cured in an intergalactic leper colony which happens to be a ship in the exact center of the universe (see it brewing already?) and it will cause a second big bang (not that kind) if it's jettison program continues to run. Guess what! You know Who saves the universe, and the guy with the chicken on his head is miffed. Nyssa (undressed, *PANT* *PANT* ;-) ) decides to become a spacey Florence Nightingale and remain on Terminus to help the lepers. Flat acting, rushed production, but a good overall story. Enlightenment - An intergalactic America's cup, and the prize is Enlightenment. Anyway, the guy with the chicken on his head is still at it and is after you know Who, through the guy working for him, who has, at this point, picked up a moral or 3. This, however, does not prevent him from trying to stab everyone else in the back. He should've tried stabbing Captain Wrack somewhere else with something else ( ;-) ). However, you know Who guides the winning ship into port and wins the cup (no law suit!). The guy working for the guy with the chicken on his head is told by you know Who to decide about you know what. Guess what he does... The guy with the bun on his head (not me...can't be me either...all I've got is fuzz) that you know what was in fact you know what, and the decision was, in fact, you know what (think we can get any vaguer?) Another rush production (love those CSO's...). *YAWN*, but for some reason, it still holds your attention. Maybe it's just the cliffhangers, especially that of episode 1. The King's Demons King John has somehow picked up singing. (recognize the tune?) Well, at least the guy with the chicken on his head disappeared at the end of the last one (temporarily, of course), but you know who is back, and is trying to get you know Who. He's using a brand new plot device: K-9 mk IV, aka the robot with the funny voice who never seems to be around. This king is, in fact, a fake. (how did you know?) However, you know Who gets knighted while you know who tries to ferment rebellion. You know Who beats you know who with a classic battle of you know what. The robot with the funny voice is taken into you know WHAT. Too much of a barebones story. It needs flesh - should borrow some from Peri. ;-) The Five Doctors - You know Whos are all brought together in the Death Zone - an ancient place of our geriatrics. Here, they are to find the way to the castle in the center...well, 4 out of 5 of them are...the other is trapped in a vortex where things aren't quite complete (read: contract problems). Anyway, one of them gets out and back to the Capitol. The others have quite a good time arguing with himselves and their compatriot trouble-makers. Meanwhile, back at the ranch (read: Capitol), you know Who is talking to you know Who's president and falls under his control. Meanwhile, you know Who is arguing with you know Who and ultimately argues with you know Who. You know who tries to kill off you know Whos, but fails (of course) because Dunderhead (you remember him) punched him. You know who is not immune to bullets, you remember. Well, the prez and you know Who arrive, but the other you know Whos rescue you know Who with the pleasant open face from the prez. Big daddy offers the prez guess what. One of the you know Whos manages to figure out that Big daddy's offer ain't what it's cracked up to be. The prez is petrified about his discovery. The whole lot of them say their goodbyes, leaving only pleasant, open-faced you know Who to deal with Chancellor Flavia. You know Who is now prez, but wants to take the scenic route back to the Capitol, mentioning that the old prez never was. This one was lots of fun. A lot of good memories in the show, including appearances by Liz Shaw and Mike Yates - companions you wouldn't really expect to see in an anniversary show, the salt-and-pepper-shaker exterminators, the metal-heads, and the balled wonders. Overall, a very good story, despite the 90 minute bull$#!T Lionheart is trying to pull by sending the US viewers a movie format that is missing some parts. If you want to see the full version seen in the UK, watch for it in an episode format - unfortunately, it is not meant for episode format. Season Overall - JN-T's best. EASILY! This season was full of fun, humor, drama, and all sorts of other good stuff. Nobody would expect the black guardian to have something on his head which looks like a chicken, nor the white guardian to have a bun on his head. The Master was almost real in this season. Unfortunately for Whovians all around, this is the only really good season JN-T ever did. Warriors of the Deep - The return of the Silurians and Sea Devils (known to some of us as leftovers, part 1 of 4). Well, you know Who lands the you know WHAT inside a subsea station. Here, we find lots of submarine subterfuge (uh oh...), and the S & SD's trying to exploit the current world political situation to effect the destruction of humanity (see what we mean...). Well, you know Who reluctantly helps to destory them, and succeeds, complaining that "there should have been another way." A blatant anti-nuke preach. Episode 4 has impact. A bit slow in developing, and some interesting ideas within, but overall, a mish-mash of previous stuff. The Awakening - Too short to warrant a summary, though saying that it is The Daemons in two episodes is enough. It should have been called The Dozing. Need we say more? Frontios - Travelling well past where any good time lord has gone before, you know Who finds himself with one of the last human colonies in the universe. For some reason, the guy who worked for the guy with the chicken on his head seems to know that there were Tractators underfoot. Somehow, the leader of these was able to destroy the you know WHAT, take over, and put it back together, no less, whereupon you know Who dumped it on another, barren planet which only Who would know. Chris Bidmead seems to specialize in confusing people with very hasty explanations at the end (cf. Logopolis and Castrovalva). Interesting, as are all Bidmead stories. Resurrection of the Daleks - No summary needed. See Earthshock, only substitute Daleks for Cybermen and add Davros and Lytton. This is the first story shown in 45 minute episodes, and was originally supposed to follow The King's Demons. Lytton is about the only redeeming feature of this fiasco. Joe: Another feature/detriment: Tegan leaves. Planet of Fire - You know who is back and is after you know Who, again, using K-9 mk IV (on legs). Other than that, this story is all about the guy who worked for the guy with the chicken on his head (we finally learn his origins...hooray...). Isn't the bit about religion a bit much? Well, this one also had a feature/detriment: Peri enters. ;-) Yet another companion disrobes before an exit as it were. The Caves of Androzani - Spectrox: the fountain of youth. Spectrox: a deadly poison when raw. Guess Who and who manage to find the bad stuff. Well, on their slow road to death, they encounter some real shifty characters (and we don't mean gear shifts, except at the episode 3 cliffhanger...). The man who thinks it is always Halloween has a crush on the girl with the big ones (legs ain't what we mean here... ;-) ), so he kidnaps her, and you know Who has to rescue her. He does (of course), but not before our shifty characters off each other and he gets enough antidote for Spectrox Toxemia...bat's milk. Oops... did some spill? Only enough left for "Legs"? Oh well, time to regenerate. Far and away, the BEST story of JN-T's era. Good characters, believable situation, excellent script, great music, excellent direction, and a host of other good things, not to mention big-name actors. Pity this is never repeated again. Best cliffhanger is episode 3's. The Twin Dilemma - Dilemma's a perfect description of the story. (Someone want to cage us before we really go crazy with this one?) THE ABSOLUTE WORST! A lesson in contrasts. HOW the f**k could JN-T allow this monstrosity to be made and broadcast?? I've seen Sarah Jane in love stories that are better than this. (No, Louis, don't do that to the keyboard...LOUIS!!!!!!!) Season overall - (Down, boy, down!) A real yo-yo. Inconsistent in quality everywhere. 'nuff said. Attack of the Cybermen - Cybermen getting destroyed left and right (with a two by four, no less) and of course, trying to destory Earth with Halley's comet (say what???). You know Who manages to thwart them (again...), but doesn't like what's happening to his chameleon circuit (remember that?). See Earthshock. Lytton and you know Who "playing" the you know WHAT are about the only redeeming qualities. Vengeance on Varos - The short version: Mary Whitehouse's nightmare. Enjoyable, but rings totally hollow. Joe: probably one of the best of the season, but that doesn't say much. It's not a definite best, though. The Mark of the Rani - Return of the wimpy you know who story. Very wimpy in this one. Yet another try at stopping Earth's scientific development - at a scientific conference. You know who and the cute, evil time lady seemingly get spun to death in the washer at the end. "When I got this story, it was a piece of $#!T; when I finished, it was just rubbish," said Eric Saward. He's complimenting himself a bit too much there. The only redeeming quality is the cute, evil time lady. The Two Doctors - "Figaro." You know Who gets lost on his way to New Orleans and finds himself in Seville. He has to rescue Who-self from the potato-heads, and legs and "Legs" from Shock- eye before he completely tenderizes the meat and fillets them (pass on the first, then yummmmmmm ;-) ), while Servalan dominates an old friend (exactly how many of them does he have???) of you know Who (we don't mind...). All the bad guys get their just desserts (don't blame us...it's in the story...) and are mothballed afterward (see previous comment). You know Who goes Whoselves' separate ways. Script editor: JN-T (can't you tell?). 2 and 6 don't get along. Surprized? Not really...and not really up to Robert Holmes's best (is it necessarily his fault, though?). Timelash - This doesn't deserve a summary. "Let me be frank, Herbert...." Yet another Nessie story; one more, and they're up to Atlantis. We'd like to put it in a time loop and be done with it. Revelation of the Daleks - A Greek chorus for the dead, free food for the cosmos, guinea-pig salt and pepper shakers for Davros, and lots of backstabbing, "make life and death more confusing for the Doctor on the planet Necros." Louis: Eric Saward mimics Robert Holmes. At long last, he put characters and background into a script! Joe: Good story, but it left me wanting something more (ahh, for six parters). At least the Davros costume improved from the last time. Season overall - Hollow! Trial of a Time Lord JN-T breaks his promise never to do a thematic season. The Mysterious Planet - Lost: one planet. Name: Earth. Last seen: position of Sol III, in Mutter's Spiral. Any information regarding the location of this planet is to be sent to you know Who, in the you know WHAT, Who knows when...(does Who ever know when?) Robert Holmes material mucked about in by JN-T. Need we say more? Lots of potential, but never gels. Mindwarp - Need: one body to house one mind due to expanding brain and non-expanding cranial cavity. Found: one body (and what a body! ;-) ). Lost: one companion and Yrcarnos's mind. WARNING: Matrix played with. Eh.... Redeeming feature: Brian Blessed. Redeeming/detrimental feature: good-bye, "Legs". Terror of the Vervoids - Lost: one script editor. Found: new writers. Problem: Pip and Jane Baker. For compilation of plot devices refer to (so to speak): The Seeds of Doom, Fury from the Deep, and our vegetable gardens. Review: . Mel is kinda cute, though. ;-) The Ultimate Foe, part 1 - Lost: one mind. Found: you know who. Place: on the TV screen/matrix. Recovered: train of thought. Problem: Robert Holmes died. :-( Any information as to where the potential and you know who's characterization went, go back in time and finish this. First fifteen minutes is vintage RH. You know who even seems to be his old self for a change. Then the dynamic duo take over...oh well, life's a bitch, then you marry one, and then you die. The Ultimate Foe, part 2 - Lost: one plot. Not found: any potential. For information, please ask Colin Baker what was so great about it. Missing: one ending and one amalgamation. Review: huh? Only to be surpassed by something yet to come... Season overall - See top. JN-T quits and comes back: Take 3. Time and the Rani - Regeneration. That's about all. This one ain't worth a review. Paridise Towers - Defective garbage machines, three colors of Kangs (is this anything like a Roman 2 diamonds bid?), ladies who eat people, incompetent guards, fraidy-cat guys (maybe that's why the women are so hard-up), a creature in the bottom of a swimming pool, and neon-noodle in the basement add up to far too much for a four-parter...that's why we use Roman 2 diamonds. You actually want us to review this one?? See above paragraph. It will suffice. Bid 2 no-trump to force a response. (We hope you alerted that 2 diamonds bid...) Delta and the Bannermen - JN-T gets to showcase his dog. Bee people, and flag-waving others don't mix. Neither does the incidental music and the music of the story. Anyway, to save the bee people, a philanthropic human decides to eat, uh, royal jelly (for lack of a better term) and try to become one of them. Next time, you know Who will look at his computers before passing through an intergalactic toll booth. Hopefully, next time, he'll look through his computers. Dragonfire - Mr. Freeze meets Aliens. Features a for-real cliffhanger (ain't we terrible?). Unfortunately, this is actually the best one of the season. Saying this leaves a horrible taste in our mouths (pass the mouthwash...). Season overall - We thought the production team was on trial last year. The Silver Anniversary of Doctor Who...aka, Season 25... Remembrance of the Daleks - You know Who and Ace land the you know WHAT in 20th century London in an old, familiar place. Well, the salt-and-pepper shakers are at it again, except this time there's a real twist. Two "blob" factions are fighting each other and trying to recover the Hand of Omega, which you know Who already has. Well, after much fighting, a rather startling discovery that an old trick for escaping the salt-and-pepper shakers doesn't work any more, and a really funny argument with the giant roll-on, the Hand is "given" to one of the blob factions. Skaro's star ends up being destroyed, and all the salt-and-pepper shakers are destroyed, including one that blows itself up at the end due to a logical problem. Of course, the giant roll-on escapes (possibly to look for more underarm odor?)... (Apologies to Emerson, Lake, and Palmer...) "Welcome here, my friends, to the show that never begins...." Holy **** A real story with real cliffhangers! The story works well, and fits very nicely into four parts. This is the best written story since "Caves of Androzani." A job well done, and we hope to see much of Ben's work in the future. Episode 1's cliffhanger is probably the best since "Caves" 3. The Happiness Patrol - You know Who and Ace find themselves in a society in which being unhappy is illegal. The perfect utopia...or so you might think. (How would you like being candied to death? Or eating something that gives you so much pleasure that your senses overload and you die? ;-) ) Anyway, you know Who and Ace are caught and sentenced to death, doom, and the happiness patrol. (What else?) You know Who meets up with a census taker and argues about what his name is, then later meets up with Mr. Blues. Helen A (Mrs. T) eventually is overthrown, and discovers that to truly be happy, one must be allowed to cry every so often. (*yawn*) If you can't figure out what this one's about, ask a friend. If he (or you, for that matter) think that this is the best Who story ever written, forget about getting security clearance. There was some good stuff and some bad stuff in this one. Mind you, we might just stay away from lemonade for a while. How to test your friend's political views: 1) Let him/her watch this story 2) Ask him/her what s/he thinks of it 3) Hate it = conservative; neutral = moderate; like it = liberal; love it = no security clearance. (Guess who of us liked it and who didn't.) Silver Nemesis - You know Who ends up fighting Cybermen to gain a five-week-old plot device (pardon the pun...) which he left you know where some large number of years ago (you can measure it in centuries, if you like...). Well, it's coming "home." Some medieval b*tch wants it, as do the Cybermen. You know Who ain't gonna let that happen. (How did you know?) Well, this device is activated, and finally "given" over to the Cybermen, at which time it's given new orders and asked if it understands them. Yes it does, but it doesn't obey them. (Consider the question...did you expect it to actually listen to the Cyberleader?) Well, the Cybermen go *poof* thanks to the device, and you know Who and Ace go merrily on their way. Basically, pretty good. Basically, a pure chance happening. Two stories in the same season with the same plot device by two different writers working entirely independently. (Ever had one of those years?) The Cybermen could've been handled a bit better, but overall, a good story. The Greatest Show in the Galaxy - The most pretentious title for a story ever seen...it fits. Too confusing to summarize, though mixing the Beeb and upper-level fandom is kinda cute............... Turnabout is fair play...what's good for the goose is good for the gander...time to bash the bashers (you all know who you are... this DEFINITELY takes our review out of the category of JN-T bashing... hello Ron buddy...care to give us more publicity? Please! Talk about us in your next "Whovian Times"...whatever year you decide to publish it...if ever...). A piece of $#!T...a plotless wonder...we love it. We haven't enjoyed something this silly since...uh...since what? umm... "Shada"...yeah...that's it...that's the ticket...do we get to audition now? Louis: This story was so nasty to fandom and the Beeb it makes me wish I'd written it. :-( Season overall - This is the best season since the last anniversary season. (20th, for those of you who can't count.) Lots of action, fun, silliness, adventure, messages, and precious little plot in some cases. Who cares? Not us...at least not this year (you know Who and who probably don't care either...not that you know who was around this time...). Addendum to our total era review - OK, so JN-T made another really good season...well, at least a far above average one (gee, you'd think we were bashing up until now... hi Ron buddy). Not much for the entire era by the way of drama, but we like a lot of it nonetheless. We got our gripes with things and we don't care what the fork others think of it. Everyone's entitled to an (and our, in this case) opinion... :-) --The Two in the TARDIS CREDITS You know Who William Hartnell Patrick Troughton Jon Pertwee Tom Baker Peter Davison Colin Baker Sylvester McCoy You know who Anthony Ainley Neil Toynay Leon Ny Taiy Geoffrey Beevers Romana K-9 Adric The Brain Lalla Ward John Leeson Matthew Waterhouse Sarah Sutton Dunderhead K-9 mk IV Nicholas Courtney Gerald Flood Mel Ace Cute Evil Time Lady Bonnie Langford Sophie Aldred Kate O'Mara Script Editors Christopher H. Bidmead Antony Root Eric Saward Andrew Cartmel Producer John Nathan-Turner, aka The Guy in the Hawaiian shirt -- Dr Who - Behind the Scenes in Season 25 ----------------------------------- BACK-STAGE NOTES The April issue of "Doctor Who Magazine" has a nice roundup of behind-the- scenes information on the season that just ended. As many of you know, I'm fascinated by all the stuff that happens behind the cameras. I must admit I don't know if any of the rest of you who read this room share that interest but, just on the off-chance you do, I'm summarizing some of the more interesting details (well, I found them interesting) that appeared in the article. REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS Production for this story literally got off to a bang. The sound of an exploding Dalek on location near Waterloo set off fire alarms in the area and brought the local fire brigade to the scene. A lot of changes were made to Ben Aaronovitch's script because of budget, time and the usual variety of other considerations. One of the biggest changes was the introductionon of the military headquarters for Gilmore's task force. Originally, all of the action set there was to have been filmed on location at the Totter's Lane junkyard and nearby streets. Because of the expense involved in extended location work (of which there was quite a bit anyhow), many of the expository scenes were relocated to the studio. Aaronovitch also had set many of the scenes at the Coal Hill School at night. Prohibitive expenses forced many of these to be shot during the daytime, which didn't detract from the end product any, but does explain why it's still so light out after 5 p.m. in early winter. (Would *you* have cut out the BBC announcer in-joke just because it didn't look like late afternoon outside?) The Dalek weapons were originally much more formidable than they actually turned out. In the scene where a Dalek gunblast shatters the windshields of the Detector van, narrowly missing Mike, the blast originally hit the van's side dead-on--and melted it. In another bit entirely deleted from the shooting schedule, we would have learned that Daleks have weapons that can fire around corners. The Special Weapons Dalek was originally planned as a floating weapons platform with no recognizable Dalek features; Aaronvitch describes it as a "Masters of the Universe-type thing." The two factions of Daleks, incidentally, were originally supposed to be red and blue. Several key scenes were written but had to be dropped during shooting. Originally, when the Doctor opened the casket containing the Hand of Omega, he reached in and withdrew a parcel containing an advanced firearm which he later used to destroy the black Dalek at the end of the story. (In the aired version, the Doctor taunts, cajoles and basically talks it into self-destructing.) Also gone is a scene where the renegade Daleks attack the Cafe and kill Harry the proprietor and a scene where the Dalek converts the Dalek Confuser into a tracer to locate Ratcliffe's warehouse. The tracer is destroyed in another deleted scene introducing the Daleks' ability to fire around corners. The Vicar originally met the Doctor in the Cafe in another deleted scene. A sequence cut from Episode Three had the Doctor receive a telepathic warning at the Cafe when Ratcliffe plunged the rod into the grave where the Hand of Omega was buried. The idea of having Davros be the Dalek Emperor wasn't Aaronovitch's idea. He says he got it from a member of the Visual Effects Department who always liked the oft-suggested notion that Davros was the Emperor. The idea made sense to Aaronovitch, who rationalized that Davros would have himself implanted into a Dalek shell for greater protection (remember the Doctor holding him at gunpoint in "Resurrection"?). By the way, if you look carefully at the scene where the Dalek command ship explodes, you can just see Davros' escape pod ejecting from its belly. So he does get away in the end. "Remembrance" was the first story in which story editor Andrew Cartmel and the writers began the deliberate redefining of the Doctor's character to regain the air of mystery the show used to have. One of the lines cut from the confrontation between the Doctor and Davros had the Doctor saying, "Oh Davros, I am far more than just a Time Lord." Yes, they have decided who the Doctor really is but they don't intend to tell us quite yet. THE HAPPINESS PATROL The production seems to have a headache all through. The scripts came in far longer than they were supposed to be and too much of it was shot, necessitating a lot of editing. Extensive rewriting was also done. The story was the last recorded but rescheduled late in the day to be the second one aired, forcing a lot of scrambling to get it finished. The Kandy Man was a collaborative effort by various in-house and outside artists and technicians. It was deliberately made to resemble the product of a certain British confection manufacturer, which didn't take too kindly to the idea. A couple of the Kandy Man's bits were edited out. In one, he is chopping ingredients for his sweets when he accidentally chops his thumb off. After a good bit of cursing, he sticks it back on. His last line was a poignant "Ah well, I gave it my best shot." The Kandy Kitchen backdrop was a model paintboxed in during post-production. Several scenes involving it were cut, including ones where Ace stumbled inside it and Trevor Sigma, the galactic census-taker, dropped in and got chased out. The deadly fondant surprise was food-thickening agent dyed red, lots of it. The cheesy-looking Waiting Zone set was a stand-in for a prison complex set that was too expensive to build. All the scenes slated for the prison were rewritten for the Waiting Zone. FX work for this work overlapped with "Silver Nemesis," which was shot just before it. The shot of the shuttle leaving Terra Alpha was executed during the FX session for "Nemesis." The weapons carried by the Happiness Patrol are actually the Cyberguns from "Nemesis" in disguise. Deleted for time reasons were introductory scenes for the sympathetic Patrol member Susan Q (while escorting Ace down the street, she overhears Earl's music and confesses to once owning a collection of blues records, which got her demoted after they were discovered) and the tyrannical governess Helen A. and her aide, Joseph C. (in which they listened to one of Helen's broadcasts urging the citizens to put the killjoys out of their misery). Also cut was much of the dialogue between Sid S. and Stan S., the two snipers watching the protest, in whwhich they discuss the films they've seen recently and dismiss them as predictable because the plots are always about female protagonists and have happy endings. In the final version of Episode Two, the climax has the Doctor staring at an ominous poster bill at the Forum. Originally, the episode ended with Daisy K., the Patrol leader, leading Ace and Susan Q. to the Forum with the sinister words, "It's showtime girls!" THE GREATEST TIME IN THE GALAXY This is the story that almost got away, i.e. canceled. Studio work originally scheduled for Television Centre was suddenly called off during an asbestos scare that closed down the facility. John Nathan-Turner's people managed to keep the plug from being pulled on the production altogether and relocated interior work to the car park at the BBC's Elstree Centre where a huge circus tent was erected. (Oddly enough, there wasn't going to be a real tent, originally.) "The Greatest Show in the Galaxy" was filmed immediately before "Silver Nemesis" and was supposed to come before it in the show's continuity as well. When the order of the stories was switched, it causes a few continuity problems, for example, Flowerchild gives Ace an earring which she wears all through "Silver Nemesis." There was actual little rewriting on this story and not much was lost. A bridging scene where the Doctor and Ace met up with the Captain and Mags again after separating was lost. Also missing is the tail end of the scene where the panic-stricken Chief Clown tells Morgana and the Ringmaster that they're running out of acts--at that point Whizzkid runs in and asks everybody for their autographs. A few slight changes were made. The name of Mags' home planet was changed from MacVulpine(?) to Volpana. The robot buried in the sand originally begged passersby to release it. Ace and Deadbeat were supposed to escape from the circus by using Nord's motorcycle, but they couldn't get it to start during the shooting. (Incidentally, the FX people didn't build that bizarre machine for the story. They borrowed it--and the Happiness Patrol vehicle and go-cart in a later story--from a couple named Bootsie and Ferret.) The Doctor's closing line was to have been: "Someone down there once said everyone has to hang up their traveling shoes and stop wandering sooner or later. Maybe I'm just the exception that proves the rule." SILVER NEMESIS The opening of Episode One differed considerably from how it eventually went out on-air. All of the scenes were there but in different orders. Originally, the story opened with a shot of the Nemesis comet in space (shot on 16mm film later transferred to video where the starfield was added), then went to the Doctor and Ace enjoying the jazz performance, the introduction of Lady Peinforte and ended at De Flores' South American villa. I'm afraid I can't recall how things go in the finished version but I do recall that we begin at De Flores' villa and end with the jazz performance. There's an interesting story behind the futuristic ghetto blaster (complete with holographic viewer) the Doctor builds for Ace: it's a stand-in for the TARDIS control room. All the scenes with the Doctor and Ace on the riverbank scanning for the Cybermen were originally set inside the TARDIS. The decision to do "Silver Nemesis" entirely on location required the junking of TARDIS interior scenes so the ghetto blaster was designed to replace the TARDIS scanner and console. I'll bet you thought the Doctor was just showing off when he built that preposterous contraption. Director Chris Clough was instructed to overshoot for this story because the production team didn't want to take any chances of the anniversary story coming in short. As a result, they ended up with far more material than they could fit into the story and a lot of ruthless editing took place, as has been noted elsewhere. One place where the editing shows is at Windsor Castle where the Doctor and Ace's escape from the security forces is entirely cut out. The Doctor gets away by hypnotizing the security men using the specially redesigned TARDIS key (all scenes with the key were cut out). While running through the castle back to the TARDIS, the Doctor and Ace pass an elegant 18th century portrait of Ace in period dress (painted by designer John Asbridge). Ace is very confused by it but the Doctor tosses it off as a momento of an adventure they haven't had yet. (It's a very nice portrait, by the way.) Many of the scenes involving De Flores and his assistant Karl were cut from Episode Three. Recall that when the two appear again after apparently falling into the hands of the Cybermen (which we never see), they act suspiciously like partially converted Cybermen. They were. In the sequence cut, as the Nazis escape from the tomb, Karl trips De Flores and hands him over to the Cybermen, saying they want to become like the cyborgs. Karl later kills his Cyberguard and frees De Flores, his betrayal having been a ruse. Other bits with the Cybermen were cut, too. The Cybermen didn't actually appear until the end of Episode One in the final version. Originally, after attempting to gun down the Doctor and Ace, the two Walkmen were reprogrammed by a hidden figure with a large, imposing shadow and a silver fist. A sequence where the Cybership landed a second time and let off a group of Cybermen with a Cyberscope is missing, too. It's unclear in the FX work but the Cybership was supposed to be shrouded during most of its flight and only becomes visible when it lands. Most of the close-up shots of the Cybermen were shot at one location, the estate of Arundel Castle in Sussex, but were inserted into the action sequences shot at the Greenwich Gasworks (the neo-Nazi/Cybermen battle and Ace's battle with the Cybermen in the hangar). The most interesting juxtaposition was the scene where Richard plunges the gold-tipped arrow into the Cyberleader's chest unit. That bit was recorded at Greenwich but the Cyberleader's collapse on the floor was actually shot inside Lady Peinforte's crypt at Arundel a week later. Incidentally, visual effects assistant Paul McGuiness was the one who had to get into the Cyberman suit for all the shots of exploding chest units. Paintbox technology was used extensively in the story, to turn one Cybership model into an entire fleet with flashing telltales and to obscure the modern bits on the exterior of Lady Peinforte's house and to hide the fact that it was raining during some of the location work. The pulsing glow of the Validium artifacts was done through front-axial projection, if you're wondering. It's an FX technique where a highly reflective paint is used to reflect light back along the exact plane from which it comes, usually a frame of lights mounted around the camera. Some famous "Who"-related names were among the tourists at Windsor, including Peter Moffatt, Fiona Cumming, Nicholas Courtney, Kevin Clarke, Peter Wyatt and Graeme Curry. -Chad Fogg (cfogg%likewise@blake.acs.washington) -- Dr Who - Knitting patterns for Tom Baker's Scarves ------------------------ The Original Scarf. Needle size 6mm. American size 9. Tassels are made from 1 foot lengths of yarn. Seven tassles on each end combining all 7 colors. Guage 14 stitches per 4 inches. 20 rows per 4 inches. 1 oz. balls of double knitting wool. 3 Purple 6 Camel 3 Bronze (dark brown) 3 Mustard (golden yellow) 4 Rust 3 Grey 4 Olive Cast on 40 stitches. In plain knitting always slip the first stitch! Knit as follows: 8 purple 10 camel 52 camel 8 grey 16 bronze 40 rust 10 mustard 14 mustard 22 rust 20 olive 8 purple 8 purple 20 olive 42 camel 8 mustard 12 bronze 28 camel 20 grey 14 rust 8 rust 8 bronze 12 purple 10 purple 6 camel 42 olive 14 mustard 8 mustard 54 olive 16 grey 16 rust 8 rust 12 grey 54 camel 8 mustard 10 purple 20 bronze 12 olive 10 purple 8 mustard 12 camel 18 rust 32 grey 8 purple 10 rust 38 bronze 16 mustard Suggestions: Weave your ends in while you go. Get a good color photo of the scarf to take to the yarn shop to choose the yarn. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The 1980 season scarf. Needle size 4.5mm. American size 6. I don't know the guage, but the scarf is 24' long and of the order of 1' wide. 4 oz. balls of double knitting wool: 2 Terra cotta (rust) 3 Claret (wine) 3 Aubergine (purple dark) Cast on 42 stitches. 2 inches rust 2 ins. wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 ins. rust 2 rows plum 2 rows rust 2 ins. wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 ins. rust 2 ins. plum 2 rows rust 2 ins. wine 4 ins. Alternate rows : rust, wine, plum... 4 ins. wine 2 rows plum 2 ins. wine 2 rows plum 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows plum 2 rows wine 2 rows plum 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 4 ins. plum 2 rows wine 2 ins. plum 2 rows rust 2 ins. rust 2 rows rust 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows rust 2 rows rust 2 rows rust 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 ins. rust 2 rows rust 2 ins. rust 2 rows plum 6 ins. plum 2 rows plum 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 ins. plum 2 rows plum 2 ins. plum 2 rows wine 2 ins. wine 2 rows wine 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows wine 2 rows wine 2 rows wine 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 2 rows plum 7 ins. wine 2 rows wine **** 2 ins. wine 2 rows rust 2 ins. plum 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows plum 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 rows rust 2 rows wine 2 ins. rust 2 rows plum 6 ins. rust 2 rows plum Knit down the columns. 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U U AAAAA G GGG EEEE `` `` A A F O O R R E I G G N NN L A A N NN G G U U A A G G E .. `` `` A A F OOO R R EEEEE III GGG N N LLLLL A A N N GGG UUU A A GGG EEEEE .. `` `` `` ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` -- Tourist Guide to Strom -- Strom - The Land that Time Put in a Filing Cabinet -- The Zombie Flapjack - car from Strom -- Tourist Guide to Strom ----------------------------------------------------- S T R O M --------- Land of a thousand mysteries ---------------------------- Imagine the clear blue skies that seem to come from Paradise. Imagine the attractive countryside, elemental mountains and tranquil lakes. Imagine the fascinating history and culture that irresistably draw you in. Aren't you sick of it? Isn't it time for a change? Strom is a country in Eastern Europe. To find it, go east from Venice until you hit trouble. Set in a range of Balkan mountains that look like the ruined remains of something as uninspiring as a typical Strom house, this is the perfect place to escape from all those hyped-up holidays that you know all too well. Do you remember the time you forked out your life savings in order to go on 'the trip of a lifetime'? Come on, it's happened to most of us. You were promised '5 minutes to the beach', 'a view of a golden beach', and more entertainment than you could possibly get round to. Everyone in your family was so keen to get on the way. But they didn't tell you about the potential 3 hour waits at the airport and/or station. They didn't tell you about the cockroaches or the motorway that passed in front of the door. And the entertainment turned out to be an overweight balladeer playing an inferior guitar and singing almost in tune. And by the second night, you were at each others' throats. Admitt it, they could hear you two blocks away, even above the heavy metal that one of your neighbours played late at night. You were arguing with your wife about the most trivial things, weren't you? Who forgot to pack the sun tan lotion? I'm sorry, speak one at a time please. And whose fault was it that you went to sample the local delicacies, puked up and heard the waiter say "It doesn't matter that you didn't finish your food; the last guy didn't eat it up either"? It was hell. You wouldn't be so annoyed except everyone expected the holiday to be so perfect. We can safely say about Strom that it is one of the most tiresome, unaesthetic, barbaric and ugly places on the face of the globe. Here we have invented a new concept in tourism - the undersell. You will be pleasantly surprised to discover that things are not as bad as we have made out. For example, the statement that hotel guests are put in the stables with the horses is a complete fabrication. In fact the horses will be kept elsewhere while you use the hotel's floorspace. Otherwise, everything in this guide is completely reputable information. ..ish. -- Strom - The Land that Time Put in a Filing Cabinet ------------------------- THE LAND THAT TIME PUT IN A FILING CABINET ------------------------------------------ (Any connection with a person or event that actually happened is purely accidental and if it occurs has nothing to do with painstaking research but is simply a fluke) PART I - ALTERING THE MAP OF EUROPE ----------------------------------- Just after the Second World War there was tension in Eastern Europe. The Russians had boldly fought Hitler to a standstill, and had then pushed him back into Germany, barely having time for a vodka on the way. Unfortunately, they stayed in Germany and Eastern Europe. Their excuse, that there wasn't a train back to Moscow was wearing a little thin, and there was unrest in the occupied countries, particularly in Strom and Mudmania - Strom resented the Russians leaving snow on the roads, and the Mudmen just wanted a fight. In Strom it was a pest of a revolution to deal with - the roads were too narrow for the tanks. King Mufti II sent out a call for a general holiday - the Russians found it impossible to get the Strom people back to work. This was partly a result of no-one being able to talk Strom, because there did not exist at that time, a definitive work on Strom such as this, which has only been possible in the few years since Strom returned to Europe and became a friendly republic, having discovered the sensation of being left with the Mudmen in a locked cupboard was not nice. Kiev, 1948: It is a cold evening when the brass monkeys are looking rather worried. The moon shines through the dimly lit streets, which are silent apart from the occasional couple trying to find their relatives. Down the I-Love-Lenin Road a man in a blak coat comes walking slowly, sending the tarmac ringing. He stops - a zither is playing in the background, although from nowhere discernible. He tries to understand why this zither is playing. After a while he makes a decision and makes a sign towards the shadows on the right and waits. The zither continues its tinny tune. After a while he grows impatient and makes the same sign towards the shadows on his left, and waits. Within the minute the 'tin-te-tin' of the zither stops abruptly, briefly replaced by a strained gurgle. The zither player has been executed for plagiarism - for this is none other than Kutemov, leader of the KGB in the Ukraine, a man whose reputation precedes him and is committed to memory on pain of death. His limo has broken down, so he is particularly nasty. The night is still, waiting for something to happen. Which it does. Kutemov knocks on a big white pair of doors - all around is silence, except for a lady who leans out opposite and goes 'Shhhh. Keep it down.' The door has a grille in it, which opens. "Password," says a gruff voice on the other side. "Can't you let me in without it?" asks Kutemov querulously. "Sorry. Orders are orders. You might not be a desired visitor." "Do you know who I am?" "I don't care if you're Stalin himself; you're not coming in." "I am General Kutemov of the KGB. If you do not let me in I am going to get very annoyed and your life will not be worth an August 1921 German mark," he hissed, subtly changing tense. As expected, the door opened. What stunned him was that the two people he had come to meet had faked the challenge and were currently rolling about unable to contain their glee at teasing him so successfully. The woman across the street shushed them loudly. Kutemov had been humiliated. Some time later, things settled down, and the men began to discuss the set agenda. General Zipemov of the Special Weapons Section detailed the tactical need for something to counter the military superiority of the West. "It is like sending dustbins to war - our tanks cannot compete with the American capitalist army. Any day the rescued territories may rise up against us and call on American help. We must have something more powerful than the A-bomb immediately. That is why we are interested in your man Letov, "he said menacingly. "Who?" countered Kutemov. "Professor Letov of the Kiev Academy," spoke the third, Professor Toxin of the Moscow Institute of Science. "A great physicist and mathematician whose work we have kept secret. He is working on the properties of space in more than 3 dimensions, and seeks to find connections between different dimensions rather as a commuter tries to work out where the Central Line crosses the Circle line in London, and when the next train is due. We intend to create a machine using his methods with which we can materialise an army behind enemy ranks. Your job will be to report on his progress and to make sure he does." Kutemov was baffled - it sounded like they were trying to defeat the (second) greatest country in the world by doing sums. This did not stop him accepting the task "for the greater glory of Communism ", since he knew where his pension was coming from. Moscow, 1949: It was a cold evening when the bookies were not taking bets on brass monkeys. The secret leaders of the Soviet Union were gathered at the Kremlin to discuss the Yugoslavian situation. General Nokitov, leader of the forces in Hungary, outlined the threat to Communism that existed if countries chose it for themselves. "Divided we stand together we fall," he pronounced. "We should not allow ourselves to look after the narrow interests of our country, but should follow the common cause, led by our splendid Union. For Yugoslavia's greater good, we should be in charge. After all, what do they know about Marxism? As Marx said 'Freedom of expession and freedom from the land are the main benefits of Communism.' " "No, he didn't," interrupted Selitov of the Politburo coldly. "Not in the revised version." Nokitov looked at the guards on the doors anxiously - if this should ever get back to Stalin... he might be relieved of Hungary and put in charge of Mudmania. Sweat formed on his brow and froze. "What chance have we got?" asked Nibulov, Secretary for Foreign Affairs. "We can't really influence Yugoslavia with our men and tanks - not with Strom in the way." "Strom," murmured a few bitterly. Nibulov had hit a nerve. "It's bad enough getting to Bulgaria, but things would certainly improver if Strom were wiped from the map, wouldn't they," he suggested. "Yes,comrade. The thought had occurred," said Marshal Tigermov producing from his bag a 500-page volume entitled 'Europe without Strom' in which were graphically described the benefits of having no Strom. It started by describing direct rail links to the Adriatic (since Strom has no railways, no-one can get through) and the saving on package holidays therefrom. It gave a sample brochure, amended to demonstrate 30% savings. Yugoslavia was mentioned, also - it was intended that Russia would use it as a base to conquer Greece from, domination of the Mediterranean following, and Europe would fall by 1970. In the margins were noted the deficits from running Strom, notably in terms of interpreters who demanded a new car every year - a new Strom car of course, at twice the reasonable cost, since the customs gates were precisely that size, and indeed, didn't let cars in anyway without government approval. All in all, the report was damning. "So we can simply absorb it into Bulgaria or something?" "It wouldn't work," cut in General Adamov. "It is a point of pride in the Strom people that none of them know any other language. They don't even talk about Nazis as Nazis, but as 'nukish', the local term for fruit-and-nut cakes. It is a point of honour that no foreigner knows Strom. The penalty for revealing the language is death. In our interrogations we learn very little - the victim is rarely in a state to say anything meaningful when we do break them. I am afraid absorption is a no-no." "Does anyone else have anything to say?" asked Nibulov. "I believe so," said Zipemov, taking centre stage. "A project of mine is bearing fruit. You remember the Professor at Kiev whom we wanted to make armies disappear and reappear elsewhere?" The audience suppressed their mirth and nodded. "Well, apparently he can make things disappear using a topological machine, whose details are rather obscure to the layman. The information I am receiving indicates that in theory the machine could turn the earth from a spheroid into the shape of a bum." Consternation among the gathering - what would the Martians think? would they take it as an insult? "We intend to put Strom in the crack, and leave it there." More bewilderment. "Can we see a demonstration?" asked Adamov, who liked to travel and found demonstrations an excellent excuse. "In due time," replied Zipemov, thinking about the gongs he would be decorated with, about the limousine he would get for his services to Russia and about his brother, whom he would (at last) outrank after this operation. "In due time," he repeated, for effect. Kiev, 1949: It was a cold evening when you could hear the sound of brass monkeys a long way off. The Academy laboratory was holding a private seminar on the machine, codename Earthwind. Professor Letov was concluding a twenty minute aside on Poincare's work, and prepared for a section on handle theory, when he was politely informed that he should cut it short, since the audience needed a good sleep before tomorrow's strenuous activities. "If you have taken all this in," the Professor said, "you will grasp the nature of the transformation which can turn a globe like this - into a shape like this," pointing to a normal globe and one the shape of an arse. "The earth will unfortunately shrink a little, but less does not mean worse in this case - am I right? If we look at the demonstration model - you will see an apple, which I shall deform. You will note it is covered by a semicircular metal toothed ring set into the skin rather like a gin-trap. Notice however that the teeth are pointing away from each other, and that there is a hidden set underneath the skin which is vital to the operation. The clamp is connected to an electric motor. The apple weighed in at 5 1/2 ounces this morning. I shall now run the motor for half a second." He flicked a switch on the table and for an instant there was a noise like a bulldozer trying to get out of a ditch while being mashed by a compressor, which automatically stopped. The Professor proudly retracted the teeth by means of a screw at the side, and unclamped the apple. He showed the apple to the audience - "It is now rectoid." "You mean bumshaped!" laughed a voice in sudden recognition. "I prefer to say 'rectoid' ," said Letov sensitively. The apple was weighed again - 5 ounces. "Experimental error," he thought to himself, since he couldn't interpret the results. "Surely," said General Tigermov, his whiskers bristling, "this effect can only be achieved on a small scale. You cannot make a country disappear - I doubt if you have destroyed even an acre of field." "There are technical problems, it is agreed. I regret I have neither been able to get the Soviet's permission or the funds to conduct such a test. You see, they believe my theory. In order to scale the effect up, I shall need large supplies of electricity, and enough cutting implements to eat mountains. In fact the unevenness of the land requires there to be a hole dug from beneath into which the country can be sucked under the force of gravity. The mechanism to perform the operation will look rather like a zip, a zip 10 km high with teeth that are 10 metre high buckets. The force required to work the operation can be provided by nothing less than 10 A-bombs." "10?" queried Zipemov, staggering back in amazement. "We only HAVE 8" "But it will be worth it just to see the Bulgarians' faces," laughed Tigermov. "General Kutemov has agreed to do the planting of the spot charges if no-one else will," the Professor reassured him. "I think that even our army will find it hard to accomplish the plan in a year however, since we do not have the organisation of the Americans." "Rubbish," said Tigermov, affronted and duped. "The equipment will be manufactured and put in place by this time next year." And so it was, with extra - General Nokitov had successfully lobbied for Mudmania to be included in the plan. The Mudmen were the second most repulsive people in the world, after the Strom people. In fact, the budget overran by a long way. It turned out that the new plan required 20 A-bombs and a 15 km zip. Energy from the earth's core was also harnessed, plus some natural gas. The equipment to control the teeth cost 10 million roubles. "It would have been cheaper to conquer Europe," a diplomat said once. But it was too late to turn back. Large pylons were built to transmit the energy. The cost was so large that Pentagon sources sometimes describe Strom as 'the saviour of democrascy' as well as 'the bastard of Europe'. Revealingly, by the start of 1950, the US was providing technical support to keep the project on target. 2nd June 1950, The Palace, Strom: King Mufti II takes a bow. He is wearing a dark green shirt and trousers. His sleeves are rolled up, revealing a tattoo saying 'Mufti rules OK'. His shoes are the most disgustingly bilious green you could imagine. He needs a shave. He has BO, and rarely brushes his teeth. In short, he is a true ambassador for Strom. He glares at the man opposite him. General Kutemov returns the bow. He is wearing a uniform a size too small for him. His beard is going grey... a month ago, when he first set foot in Strom (as Supreme Dictator (Temporary)), it was purest black. He has the air of a man who wants to get out as quickly as possible, and quite rightly too. The King's bad breath is inflaming his nostrils. He will not lose face, though, by walking out, and tries to act diplomatically. The interpreter is Kata Pilla. He is an ill-educated slob who has as much command over Russian as Canute had over the waves. Nevertheless he still charges high rates. He calculates that even if he gets things slightly wrong, no-one will be able to tell him so, so why spend unnecessary time studying? In the following conversation, the interpreter's wording will be bracketed. KM: Hello, Kutemov, old bean. (Hello, Kutemov, you decaying vegetable) GK: Greetings, your royal highness [Hello, hello, hello - don't hit your head] KM: I'd like to get things straightened out (I want to do some ironing) GK: Anything you say. [Whatever your fancy] KM: I'm concerned about the activity at the border. (I'm worried about what's happening at the hem) GK: Have you any seamstresses at the palace? [Is the palace full of knitters?] KM: What reason do you have for embedding metal teeth in the ground just outside our frontiers? (Why are you planting teeth in the borders?) GK, understanding the gist: We're putting in drains. [Effluence] KM: We are also distressed by the noises we hear underneath the mountains. (We hear funny sounds from the mountains) GK: Then I suggest you record them for posterity. [You're talking through your arse] KM: Don't insult the noble country of Strom like that. (You should not sneer at toffs like us that way) GK: You don't think much of posterity? [Do you think about your arse a lot?] KM: Yes, sometimes I wonder about the most efficient way of using toilet paper (Yes, sometimes I think about how to speed through the bog roll) GK: Doesn't the life of your ancestors interest you? [Why dont you raise the bones of your parents?] KM: Your insolence is at its usual heights. I am sure that were our positions reversed I would be equally rude to you. (You're extremely disgusting. If we got in the reverse position I would be equally disgusting to you.) GK: I hope I didn't cause offence [Did I hurt you?] KM: No, you Red rascal. What is life if you cannot tell the people you meet what utter degenerates they are? (No, you Commie scoundrel. You should tell your people they are utter degenerates) GK: I sincerely apologise. [I'm really really really sorry] KM: Ah, well. I would like to carry this on some other time but I've got to interrogate someone. (Let's continue but not now - I have to ask someone questions) GK: Thank you for the pleasure of your company. [Thank you for that night we had] KM: That's a dirty suggestion! - be off with you. (What a mucky suggestion - leave me now) General Kutemov takes a bow. The conversation reinforces yet again his contempt for the intelligence of the King. He finds it remarkable that a king should have no respect for his ancestors. Of course, being a good Communist, he would like to get rid of all kings, but that would commit him to finding a replacement government - he would, above all, like to leave as quickly as possible. King Mufti II takes a bow. His admiration for the General's use of language is tempered by his frustration at not being able to wreak revenge for it. He thinks of all the tortures he has enjoyed, particularly the man whom he lowered into the moat with the crocodiles in, from a contraption that lowered him precisely 1cm a minute. Oh the satisfaction he gained when he shot an arrow into the man's left leg; the blood splurged out, turning the water red. Oh how the victim squealed when the crocs smelt him, and gathered round patiently... if only it had been Kutemov in his place. Those accursed Russians would one day regret that they had ever messed with Strom, although in fact that day was already past, and was more of a millennium. Kata Pilla the interpreter relaxed. Things hadn't gone badly at all. Two Russian soldiers were taking a break from their arduous duties, and sat down on the grass in a wheatfield almost directly below a large steel pylon. "Tell me, Yuri," said one, "why are we doing all this?" "It's like this, Rudi. We're telling Strom that we're giving them a brand new electricity system." "But we're not, are we?" "No, we're not." "So what are we doing?" "Well, the General says we're going to turn Strom into a giant power station, fired by atomic energy, electrical energy and geothermal energy." "But, you see, that's also wrong. It wouldn't explain the metal teeth all around Strom and Mudmania - nor is it consistent with the fact that these power lines are going in, not out." "So what's the truth?" "I've been speaking to Colonel Cheesclov. He let it slip that we are actually going to make the earth bumshaped and lose Strom down the crack." "What? Did I hear correctly?" "The Americans are convinced that we're telling them the truth. That's why they're here with their excavators and expertise." "And are we?" "Rubbish. Have you ever heard such a crackpot idea? The Kremlin has planned this all along. This is just a cover." "For what?" "The theft of American technology and the education of our scientists by the Yankees." "Pretty smart, the Kremlin." "Yes. The Westerners will have to get up very early to catch us out. They don't possess the imagination." The casual reader of history may have asked himself why the Korean war came to pass. If not, do so now. If the answer is 'I don't know' then consider the following: in 1950, i) Korea is utterly worthless to either democracy or Communism unless it is made into a military base. ii) the only place worth attacking from Korea (for the Soviets) is Japan, which enjoys full American protection so is not a sensible place to attack. iii) Russia, as a member of the U.N. Security Council, could veto any plan for war. iv) Russia does not give a fig for Communist China. v) The U.N. did go to war, because Russia abstained on behalf of Communist China. vi) Korea is a long way away from Strom. It can now be revealed that the Korean war was a diversionary tactic, to distract world attention from the huge operation going on in, around and under Strom. It is surmised that the U.S. intended to recoup their losses by writing a popular wartime comedy series, but the connection between the wit and wisdom of the Pentagon, which can be fitted onto a slip of paper, and the brilliantly written M*A*S*H has yet to be established. Moreover, it is suspected that the covert collaboration with the Soviets alienated a large number of defence staff, who proceeded to lend support to Senator McCarthy's campaigns in the early 50's. Thus Strom has played a large part in Post-War History even in its absence. 3rd June 1950, The Root's Hall, Mudmania: If you can imagine a scene of exotic dancing, with skimpily-clad dancers gyrating their bodies before captivated men, accompanied by lush Oriental music and delicious sweetmeats, then tell me the secret. Root's Hall is nothing like that. It contains lots of drunken barbarians singing unrepeatable songs and making unspeakable jokes, one of which concerns a conger eel and a blue whale. The furniture is in one piece, if tasteless. Orange covers in mock leather match the mud-brown carpets with just the amount of tone required to complement the wall-paper which is blue and green, like the sea - and just as sickening. The combined effect is that of a rather expensive pigsty. Where wood emerges from behind the wallpaper, splinters denote swords that have casually been left in the wall. Likewise the chairs are ripped in places, with graffiti engraved. This, then, is the throne room, poorly lit by torches whose illumination is scattered by the dust. On the dais, a second-hand theatre stage a few inches off the ground, there is a pretentious armchair - its green and gold floral design mark it out as a cast off from an English factory. This serves as a throne for the ruler of Mudmania, Archwiz Wallsocket, a man so devious his right hand and left hand attempt espionage against one another, as low and cunning as a squashed fox. At his right hand side is a cowled figure - Salami the Swami, whose vision into the future is reputed to be so great that he always knows when to take an umbrella with him. Unfortunately he can never remember how to open one. The ubiquitous General Kutemov presents himself to the court stiffly. "I came as quickly as I could-what seems to be the problem?" he asks. Since Mudmania has good interpreters at least we can ignore their role in history. "It's your electrical gizmos - we want to know what you're up to." "I'm not surprised. Don't you understand electricity?" "We do, enough. How else do you think I got my name?" Archwiz Wallsocket said, knowing full well electricity had nothing to do with it. "In fact, my intelligence service have been making enquiries lately - catch this." He took a baton from the side of the throne and tossed it gently down. The General caught it for an instant, then was forced to drop it by an electric shock that agitated his arms. It had been a nasty experience. "I bet you can't make one of those." The General noticed that the Archwiz was wearing gloves, too late. "No, your Wizfulness. I am but a novice in these matters." "But we have studied the electrical systems of the world - and this is not one of the 360 types we know." "It is a new development, that is true - but we are reluctant to use the whole of the USSR as a testing ground, so we shall use you as guinea-pigs. I'm sorry it may make you feel used, but that's science." "I cannot allow you to carry on with this pretence. The power leads are pointing into our country, not from Strom where you are allegedly making a power station, but from the Soviet power stations. I must warn you that the action you are taking must be regarded as an act of war. Furthermore, if you do not explain, we shall destroy all the pylons and installations anyway. You may have noticed that some gelignite has gone missing from your stores - it is in a safe place. Similarly, we are in a position to completely rewire your pylons and send large quantities of electricity back towards your country. We can see you are trying to meet a deadline very soon - you will not meet that deadline if you fail to cooperate with us." "I see you feel strongly on this matter," said Kutemov, feeling that things had somehow gone extremely wrong. "You should not patronise me - there is no reason why you should get out of here alive except for my good graces." The General looked round at his guard of honour - they were nowhere to be seen, but a mass of unwholesome looking Mudmanian guards were licking their lips, and jeered the so-called superiority of the Russian bear. "I think we can come to some arrangement - ... " He was afraid. The Mudmen were acting positively hostile - on the previous occasions they had simply been boorish. "Yes, I'm sure we can," smirked the Archwiz. "Guards, take him away!" It could be said that the General put up a brave fight - unfortunately you would only hear this said in an official biography. He was totally overwhelmed and dragged away through the Mudmanian grime to await a grisly fate. The Archwiz was unmoved - the time had come for resolute action, and his interrogation team would find out what course it should take. "Swami - how do the omens look?" he asked his sidekick. "Well, there's been cloud gathering this morning - bad light is a strong possibility - the tea leaves form the letter S - there's been an earthquake in Bangkok, and the dollar has moved up 2 cents against the German mark. The omens are extremely good. It appears that in the near future we will be in a position to conquer Strom." "Yes, I like that suggestion - what about Russia?" "She will be in no position to harm us." "How come?" "I cannot tell at this moment - there is a strange field affecting my prophecies, which means I can only predict for Mudmania and Strom at this time. I can envision something called the Jewel of Topological Reversion, which will be extremely important, although I cannot tell its function." "This is joyous news. Watch the captured guards. When they awake they shall believe that they have had a night of riotous fun and drinking. They will return home unaware that they have betrayed their plan." General Kutemov woke up in a pool of red liquid. He was feeling dazed and somehow in the wrong place. To try and refresh his memory, he tasted the liquid. Was it blood (in which case he would let out a belated yell of agony) or wine (in which case he would look for accompanying bottles) or something else? Since he had a terrible hangover, he guessed at wine, but upon sampling, estimated it at between shoe polish and wet paint at a taste - but of course, he realised, this was Mudmanian wine. He recognised himself as being in the Root's Hall - it was enough to make a man of culture vomit. Kutemov was not a man of culture but he did have the advantage of being intoxicated. A potpourri of foods he could not identify spilled onto the floor from his mouth. "What happened?" he asked himself. He staggered to his feet. All around Mudmanian guards and his own lay in cordial positions, stoned out of their minds. "What a night." Fresh as a daisy, the Archwizard Wallsocket strolled in, a display of bounciness designed to disconcert the General further. "Hello there, General. I hope you've recovered after your dancing on the table - you were really quite superb - and I shall never forget your striptease as long as I live. It was a masterpiece of entertainment." "Was it?" "Oh yes. Do you remember what you did with the grapefruit?" "No, don't remind me," Kutemov replied, trying hard to recall it. "Ah well, I suppose Stalin might be rather annoyed if the news got back, but you can rely on my confidentiality. By the way," said Wallsocket, withdrawing two pieces of parchment from his robe and offering one,"here's your copy of the treaty." "What treaty?" "You agreed to give us the Jewel of Topological Reversion, in exchange for full cooperation with your plans." "I did?" Kutemov took the treaty gingerly. It was his signature all right, if rather shaky, that made the treaty legal and binding. Ah, well, he thought, a jewel is not too much to pay for the services of this mob. It seemed like a triumph, so he smiled. It struck him that he didn't know what the jewel was, so he made a mental note to find out. Wallsocket beamed in reply, rather too unnervingly confident for the General's liking. 4th June, 1950, Strom borders, in the vicinity of the place known as Humb: Two men are walking about looking at the incredible machinery that will chew up land when activated. One is thinking 'My what big teeth you've got'; the other has ideas concerning Nobel prizes for peace - he believes that this machine will end all wars - well, it did for Nobel, so why not for him? They are General Kutemov and Professor Letov. Letov is wearing a dark brown tweed suit, while Kutemov is in his black mackintosh covering a casual shirt (no tie) with bright red trousers. That was for all you fashion fans out there. "It's good of you to come so quickly," said the General. "Not really. You ordered me. The machinery is certainly in perfect working order. There will be no problems. But that's not really what you called me for - I'm not due for another month yet." "Naturally - tell me, do you know what a jewel of topological reversion is?" The Professor grew stern at this question. "How do you know of this? It is so secret that I have not even mentioned it in my lab notes. All the spying of the world could not achieve it." "Hmmm. I know. It's in a treaty that I've signed with Mudmania. Remember, I'm asking you what it means, so could you tell me please." "Aha! - and do they have one, then?" "No - I agreed to hand it over in exchange for their cooperation." "I don't know how they know, but if they had it, it would ruin everything. The Jewel of Topological Reversion is a specially treated piece of golden quartz which acts as a focus for all energy within the neighbourhood. Under the force of a relatively small explosion it will trigger the energy and make a whole country flux into its most natural state, or at least the most locally acceptable state. I am afraid the idea is as yet not worked out, so I can only conjecture at this stage. I believe that a number of detonations would secure the return of normality. However, I think it is unlikely that any single piece of golden quartz could withstand an explosion without very careful preparation. The thing is that in the crack of the rectoid world, there will be a heat trap, which will make the task needed require no more than a few tons of TNT or equivalent. We will be back to square one as soon as they do this, back with Strom just the way it always has been." 10th June, 1950, the Kremlin: Captain Nikasov of the Dirty Tricks Department of the KGB announces his scheme for following to the letter of the law and yet making sure that Strom and Mudmania are forever gone. Inside the Jewel will be placed a small charge which is set to explode when operation Earthwind comes to fruition. In addition, a volunteer will be required to penetrate Mudmania and make sure no harm comes to pass - which means a secret saboteur will be planted in their midst. The useful suggestion is made that the imminent change of geography is not known by potential volunteers. Also it is decided that the saboteur will not know that there is already a saboteur in the Mudmanian camp. This person also will not know what has hit him/her - and thinks the activity is an elaborate cover for gaining American technological secrets. The Day of the Unexpected, October 9th, 1950 This day will go down in history as the day when the world as we knew it became the world as we don't know it or rather, didn't know it. An air of expectancy pervades the two fated lands as they wake up to face one of the most frightening experiences ever, posing the vital question 'Is an air of expectancy the same as a pregnant pause?' Dawn breaks (stop it, Dawn) and the cock crows (but do crows cock?) "Cock-a-doodle-doo" In a place hidden from all those who seek it, but not from those who do not, in the manner of a bus station, the mysterious crank known as Francisco rises to greet the day. "Hello day." He leaps out of bed and does some exercises for a while. He walks to the window and peers through the window. Then, with sudden recognition, he remembers - "It's *that* day. My, and don't you look it. If it weren't the end of Strom, then it definitely seems that way. I can see the Russians in their base camp - preparing to evacuate. What an historic day it will be. To think that I foresaw it all those months ago when the Wise One revealed it to me in the newspaper '9 across - disaster caused by friction of rocks - 10 letters' clearly indicating a disaster on the 9th of October. Good morning Pablo." "Good morning." screeched Pablo back. "Good morrr-ning." "It's going to be a great day." "Great day. Great day." "That's what it says in my Book of Conundra. Where land has turned to dust and rubble, You may find true glory, free of trouble. But him that finds great riches there Should of a wise old man beware." "Good morning. Goood morn-ing." "You may only be a parrot, Pablo, but I bet you understand everything I say." He stroked Pablo's neck, and Pablo gave a grateful squawk in reply. The Root's Hall, Mudmania: Archwizard Wallsocket also woke up to face a brand new day. The Archwizard was considerably worried about what might happen if things went wrong, if Letov had miscalculated. He was also waiting for something else, as he dressed for the day in his combination of rose-red shirt, grass-green trousers and ink-blue boots. KNOCK! KNOCK! There it was. "Good morning, your Wizfulness," shouted a familiar voice depressingly cheerily. "Good morning, Swami." He opened the door. The Swami was dressed in a shiny red robe that seemed to be stained with blood, cunningly disguising the fact that indeed in places it was blood from the veins of freshly strangled chickens. He was smiling - too awful to look at, so Wallsocket turned his back to continue getting ready. "You're feeling very nervous to-day, your Wizfulness." "How do you know? Are the chickens bleeding freely?" "Yes, Arch, but that was not how I knew." "Are their feathers strong and firm?" "Yes, Arch, but that was not how I knew." "Is the fox excited? Does the sun shine more brightly in the North?" "Yes, Arch, but that was not how I knew." "Then how do you know?" "You're trying to shave with a toothbrush." Wallsocket was taken by surprise, but when he looked, it was a toothbrush in his right hand, sure enough. "Ah. This business has been troubling my sleep. I dreamt last night that Mudmania fell into the crack, and the world gave a giant fart that sent everyone into space; I was speeding through the Galaxy and landed on a world shaped like.. a bosom. People approached and asked me how I got there... and I did not have the courage to tell them. It was awful." "I, too, have had a similar nightmare. It is nothing to be scared of. After all, you know that at the end of today, we will be alone with Strom, and Strom will be punished for being a blot on the landscape. It will be a truly memorable day." "Is the assassin in place?" "Yes, she is ready to kill King Mufti. I am afraid that we will not be able to receive word of success for a while, but you can rest assured that she will not fail." "I know her skill very well, Swami. She has told me herself how she was once taunted, assaulted and stripped by a group of disorderly soldiers in the woods one night. They did not make it back to camp. Her mastery of the crossbow, the blow-dart and the rapier are exceptional. She can shoot a pigeon at a hundred paces with a revolver. She is a devil at Kung Fu, Kendo and Monopoly. Her horsemanship is such that no man could escape her with an hour's headstart. She is a most remarkable woman, and yet for all that looks no more than a giggly schoolgirl with more interest in clothes than politics" "You have great affection for her, don't you?" "Yes," he sighed. "If I were not sworn to bachelorhood by my office I should take her as my bride.. assuming she would want me. It is probably for the best - have you ever wondered what it would be like lying in bed with a woman who knew 469 different ways of killing a man? Anyway, I would not be in Mufti's shoes today. All is well. By the way, when we're in the crack, what will happen to gravity?" "Kutemov told us. Gravity will act towards the closest large mass, which will be the sides of the crack. The effect of the opposite side will make movement easier. It may even be possible to jump across to the other side. It will make the old books on generalship obsolete, since you know as you go to bed that your enemy is hovering above you. Nowhere will be safe from barrage attack, and for victory a combined attack on both sides will have to be co-ordinated." "It seems impossible, but if that's what he said, it must be true." The Archwizard looked towards the large window, on whose sil stood the Jewel of Topological Reversal. It glistened with the sun, sending a wonderful fountain-spray of golden rays around the room, and it was only on closer inspection that the Jewel was an unremarkable lump of rock which happened to have a magnificent property. "It's a good thing we have this. Strom won't know what hit it. We shall be its masters in a week, and then return to normality." Some minutes later, the Archwizard was eating breakfast in bed, and said "I can't help feeling something unexpected is going to happen, that all our plots will fail, that Strom will win out in the end. Why do I think this, Swami?" "Because we're the bad guys. You've been watching too many movies recently. Believe me, in real life the bad guys win. Relax, and stop buttering your toast with the fork. It will be our great day." 6pm, the Palace, Burum, Strom: The guests are arriving for a banquet to celebrate the completion of the electricity system. They are the rich, the filthy and the filthy rich, aristocrats who bleed the nations resources in order to have dinner parties and banquets. Of these, the two most important are the Grand Dukes of Isis and Thumb. The former is a well-born prig, a Prat of the nth order in the freemasons, and imagines that he has only to lift a finger and men will rally to his cry, although he has not realised the inconsistency in the idea yet and would have to spend time actually listening to his English tutor to grasp the fact. Unfortunately, there are enough idiots who admire his wealth and breeding to make him a force in the land. The latter is a bloodthirsty tyrant who is the richest person in Strom by virtue of killing off everyone richer. Even royalty have to give away money in order that this man should be the richest. With his money, he has a personal army that is half the entire Strom force. He also has an intense desire to become King. This is a shame, since he is 3,068th in line to the throne, and even he cannot kill off that many. "Good evening, sir," says the doorman to Isis. "Yes, underling?" "We regret that General Kutemov cannot make it tonight. He has urgent business in Kiev - inspecting bunkers, we believe." "Oh, dear, what a shame. Frankly, underling, I think that's a distinct advantage. Dirty common Commie. What do you think he did to get his job? He worked in a factory, I am told. Wasn't born into it. What business has a factory worker got running a country, I ask you? I'd say that announcement makes my day." Isis passes through the hallway into the dining-room. "Good evening, sir," says the doorman to Thumb. "No, it isn't; it's thoroughly despicable. Those Russians aren't to be trusted. You may think the end of the excavations and all is cause to be joyful. If they weren't already in control I'd say they were going to invade. Do you know," he said, turning to his companion, Lady Jampie, "that all the Russians are moving out this evening? King Mufti is in control, but he has not the fortitude to barricade the borders for good, to create an army that can hold its own against the Russians. And naturally, being the strongest leader, I would head our forces. All the same, I wish I knew what was happening." There was one person in the palace who was not there to get fat. A young woman, healthy and handsome, surreptitiously entered by the back door, and made her way towards the kitchen. She did not attract attention despite being dressed like the finest lady in the land, since all the finest ladies in the land were here. She walked straight into the kitchen, with the confidence of a beauty queen, never once doubting that she would complete her task. "Oi!" shouted the cook, a short fat woman wearing a bloodied apron. "What are you doing in here?" The cook cared nothing for rank. "Is this where all the food is made?" "Yes, dear," replied the cook, trying not to be taken in by a pair of innocent eyes and failing, "it's a hell of a job tonight - what with the soup, the ignited lamb with radish sauce, the chili and cream cakes and everything, there's just so much to do." "Did you say ignited lamb? It's my absolute fave! Gosh I haven't had one of these for weeks. Mumsy taught me everything there is to know about preparing ignited lamb. It would be super if you could let me help, and I promise promise promise not to get in the way. Please?" "Oh all right. So long as they won't miss you in the hall." For the next half-hour the assassin was preparing ignited lamb. She poured oil over the carcase, which was spiced with Oriental flavours, and made the stuffing from sage, parsley, bindweed and birch sap, as the very best Strom stuffing was. The cook was impressed by her progress, and drew close to inspect. The next moment went in a flash - she somehow hit the stool and toppled over. The young woman grabbed her by the arm, but merely worsened the fall, causing the cook to sprain her ankle. The 5 maids working in the kitchen all stopped work to attend to their mistress, saying helpful things like "Oo, that looked really nasty" and "You'll be all right within the week." "My goodness," said the woman. "You look hurt - I'll go and get the bandages." So saying, she headed for the crockery cupboard. "No, no, it's not in there," said a maid, going in the right direction and getting the bandages. While the hubbub continued, a small quantity of curare was pasted onto the side of the royal bowl. Hermione the Heroine had struck for the honour of good, justice, liberty, and her teddy bear. At a suitable moment when all the lamb preparation had finished, she made her excuses to leave. "You've all been so rippers that I can't thank you enough. It's going to be an absolutely topping dinner. I'm sorry I've got to go - they'll think I'm trying to get a headstart on the dessert!" Since she was very careful with her pasting, and she was not there when the soup was ladled out, no-one connected her with the crime. "Your Highness? Your Highness?" pestered the King's personal valet. "Get the King's face out of the soup, helot!" complained Isis. The valet obliged. After feeling Mufti's pulse and listening to his heart, he announced, "It seems the King is dead." There was a momentary hush. "Dammit, he's been poisoned!" roared Thumb above the din. There was another momentary hush. "Who would do such a foul deed?" the Duchess of Futba asked him. "I cannot say," he replied. "However, it is open knowledge that the King was growing impatient with the impertinence of the Grand Duke of Isis," he added, stirring the pot, fast becoming aware that the throne was up for grabs. "Only yesterday the King warned him that if he did not know his place he would be stripped of his offices." "Take that statement back!" Isis protested. Thumb chortled. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to these vile words!" "It's true, though. Is it possible that he was about to remove them today?" "No, it isn't, because I say so. Do you not trust the word of a gentleman?" "I, too, am a gentleman, squab, and I say you could have done it." "Poltroon - all of Strom knows that you are the most likely culprit. Was it perchance, that he was about to pass a decree against personal armies?" "Utter rubbish, you slanderous dog." "You started it, second daughter of a muckspreader." "Really? Your slander is offensive - I am not the most likely culprit as anyone who looks at your sneaky expression can testify. I demand satisfaction." "I'm not surprised - you don't seem to be getting any." "It's different in your case," said Thumb, ignoring the look of triumph on the face of Isis. "I have photographs of you spending the summer solstice in the company of a cow. Indeed I shall distribute copies to the present company if you do not give way." This was actually a lie, since all he had was an eye-witness, but it was a good bluff, and completely threw Isis. "Would you pry into a gentleman's private affairs? You decomposing lump of vomit, retract your statement or I shall be forced to begin a feud." "I'm not frightened - any troops you had would run away at the first sign of gunfire. The real fighters in this country are all in my pay. If you dared to challenge me, you would end up with your intestines hanging from the branch of a tree and the blood of your so-called army strewn from Thumb to Thammon. I spit in the face of your threat." And he spat. "You dare challenge me? You have abused the decency of our company once too often. I shall take the challenge up, on behalf of my friends and drive you out of this country for once and for all. You will rue your taunts, Thumb." "I'm soooo worried, pipsqueak. Prepare for battle or be slaughtered in your beds, my foes. When I have dealt with you, I shall claim the throne and none will stand against me." "You will not last long against the Russians," advised the Earl of Lumbago sternly. "I am afraid to say the Russians have left - so I won't have to find out. Thankyou for your attention, and goodnight." Thumb got up, and strode out of the hall, taking his cloak from an attendant. There was intense chatter. "You realise it's a trap, don't you?" hoped Lady Solfa. "That is irrelevant. If the man asks for a fight from me, then by the bones of my mother, I shall give him a thrashing. He's never come up against an opponent with breeding before. He's got no chance." 'Oh dear,' thought Lady Solfa. 9.30 pm, The Root's Hall, Mudmania: Archwizard Wallsocket was a nervous wreck, gibbering in his room as the fatal hour approached, keeping his blood below boiling point by idly tossing a ball against the wall. Then he realised - the ball was much less massive than the wall, so why did it not stay on the wall? When the transformation happened, Mudmania would be attracted towards the earth's core. Everyone would fall several miles and be trapped in a huge pit. The Archwizard's gibbering increased in intensity. At 10pm on the Day, an almighty screeching, scraping noise began, though from nowhere obvious - every molecule in the air seemed to vibrate and add extra intensity to the deafening cacophony of teeth. The noise tormented the ears. As pressure around the head built up, people began to faint, dropping like flies wherever they were. In the process a miraculous change occurred. Brain cells of Strom people and Mudmen that had stayed useless since birth were harnessed by the forces that had been set in motion, giving many men and women powers that they could not have dreamed of. And strangely enough the powers discriminated between administrative areas of Strom and Mudmania: In Burum, everyone was able to read faces like a book. In Jord, everyone became strong as an ox. In Criff, everyone became fearless warriors. In Birt, everyone could smell alcohol a mile off. In Thammon, everyone became greedy buggers. In Lunn, everyone learnt how to be really nasty to people. In Manki, everyone became good farmers and traders. In Wytol, everyone learnt how to worship bits of paper. In Norri, everyone was too dull to realise they could make gold. In Brod, everyone became greedy buggers who made money. In Nube, people were able to communicate with horses. In Briss, people were able to communicate with pigs. The sky went all black, say those who stayed conscious long enough. Outside observers were also hampered - a black hole appeared over Strom, and radio communication within 200 miles of the border was virtually impossible. The hole grew smaller as the earth deformed itself. When it finally vanished, the guards in the surrounding countries found a large eyesore had disappeared, and began chatting to each other by radio about how the view had improved. A furious General Zipemov rang Professor Letov up. "Did the experiment work?" Letov blissfully asked. "No, it didn't. Strom and Mudmania are nowhere to be seen - there is absolutely no sign of a crack - How am I going to explain the loss of 2 good men?" "Experimental error," said the Professor. "I'll have to make some recalculations." Where were you when Strom disappeared? (All those not born yet are excused from giving answers.) Do you remember it going at all? More specifically, at 10pm on the night in question, do you remember a noise like a machine tool drilling through your wall. To this day, many believe their neighbour had a secret engineering workshop. This was the sound of Strom going down the plughole, not with a bang but with a whirring whizzing kind of noise. Of course, the seasoned disaster vulture will demand first-hand accounts of suffering. Here, then, are some people whose troubles are funny enough to be repeated to other people of bad taste: A man leading his horse into his stables - he fainted, the horse fell on him and he broke 4 ribs. A man stoking a fire who fell onto his spiked grate when he fainted and had severe internal bleeding. A farmer cleaning his byre who fell into a heap of dung. A woman who fell down the stairs, breaking her leg. A publican who fainted still clutching his bar-pull and spilt gallons of Zot beer all over his floor. and don't forget the flock of bats that flew straight into a cliff. And finally, don't forget the Russian spy who was assigned to blow up the Jewel. Unfortunately, the quartz had to be connected to equipment before it could be exploded. When he got to the Root's hall, he boldly scaled the wall on ivy that led up to the Archwizards room, opened the window, and took the lump of golden quartz off the windowsil. He dropped down, ran past the Mudmanian guards with it concealed under his cloak and made straight for his secret hideaway in the woods, a miniature bunker disguised as a rotting shack. He entered the shack, then brushed away the leaves on the floor to reveal a metal trapdoor with leaves stuck all over it with a combination lock. He entered a combination, then inserted a key into the lock, then entered another combination. He pulled the hatch open, then went inside. The fort contained basically two rooms, a bedroom and a living room. In the living room was a narrow, deep well (no bucket) into which he intended to drop the Jewel. He picked up a stick of dynamite, stuck it in his mouth and lit it - a 30 seconds fuse. He was about to drop the stick and the Jewel down the well when fate intervened. The sudden burst of noise sent him reeling across the room. When he realised how groggy he was, he knew that getting rid of the dynamite was his first priority. He staggered over, getting weaker and weaker. Then he fell over the well and dropped the dynamite in. He fell unconscious, still over the well, and the blast went straight up the well and killed him. By one of those unexpected, plot-twisting pieces of misfortune, the top of the well collapsed, and the Jewel Rolled in, and would have sunk to the bottom, had there not been a collapse of the well wall lower down, at about 50 metres. Now get it out of that. -- The Zombie Flapjack - car from Strom --------------------------------------- THE NEW ZOMBI FLAPJACK ---------------------- 1st Strommie: Hoodlequit nocka! (Hello you lovely man you) 2nd Strommie: Jumnutz vissi. (Stop playing with that gearstick and let's get moving) VRROOOOMMMPA-KLUNKA..! 1st: Fungid tetracrap hukmeprik grillet. (This is a new car that will revolutionise the motor industry) 2nd: Lettispew Zombi Flapjack? (Don't say this is the new Zombi Flapjack.) 1st: Gritch, dassi glubba saxchain zedcar muklikus! (That's right, this is the car we've been waiting for) KLUNKAKLUNKA 2nd: Wagga hukmeprik grillet? (How will it revolutonise the motor industry?) 1st: Glock frat fedder vankinoodle brabra cokfun. (It's the first car designed to require 24 hours a day repair, so ensuring constant work for mechanics) 2nd: Wakdoodle! (What a brilliant idea. I wish I'd thought of it first) 1st: Drikdirt 0 fu 60 af 4 (Does 0 to 60 in 4) 2nd: Sivvitat? (You can't mean 4 seconds, surely, idiot) 1st: Nomu gahowse. (Hours, actually. But we're making improvements) KLUNKAKLUNKA 2nd: Furfeel givit droplap hungalip weedicrumps. (Don't hog the road - let that snail past) 1st: Crush zippastuk heevo ooaaoo dikmasket. (The upholstery smacks of the jungle - genuine foxes) 2nd: Foodiflap hunnibare greesibum lackilucki. (And of course you can skin them and remove the bodies if you want) 1st: Covstink bratpool vix brinki davrus. (We're finally here) 2nd: Gavoo? (Where in Maklingus the Third of the Great Western Pebblebed's name is this?) 1st: Clamminek gregga wendiwick gurtisplurt. (This is the National Opera House) KLUNKA SKRUNK EEEEK KERKLUMP 2nd: Beggin carvy figdrip jimbocake. (But you think that opera is a load of second-hand television sets with the guarantee just expired) 1st: Jackit devonhump cairy cexin vinelyte daxet. (I'm going to wait for the singers to break the windows, so I can claim insurance.) 2nd: Hippi Strom. (What it is to live in Strom) 1st: Hippi hippi Strom. (I know what it is to live in Strom, but I can't change my birth) FADE OUT TO BORING PIC OF A CAR IN A STUDIO THE NEW ZOMBI FLAPJACK - pushing the barriers of science sideways >ZM NEWLIB HACK Compiled by Roy Stead (1989) Computer-Related Humour ------------------------------------------------------------ -- Aaron Sloman - Hacker Extraordinaire -- The Way of the Disk Seeker -- Real Programmers don't use Pascal -- Real Programmers don't eat quiche -- The Invention of the Wheel -- DEC Wars (aka Core Wars) -- Vax Trek V -- SemiConductor definitions and terminology -- A Cautionary tale (apologies to Lewis Carroll) -- Nozzelpocky (apologies to Lewis Carroll) -- 'Twas the Night before Startup -- The Perfect Program -- Ravin' -- 'Twas the night before implementation -- Aaron Sloman - Hacker Extraordinaire -------------------------------------- >From jasonh Fri Feb 17 14:03:24 1989 >From: Jason Handby >To : aijunk >Subject: The hacker strikes! > >Andrew Grossman, at CSTE, decided to set a trap for hackers. He wrote a >program that got run when someone typed "ls" in his home directory, >and which mailed an apologetic letter from the "victim" to various people. >The next day, at 5:40 in the morning, he caught someone... > >>Received: from cste by csta; Wed, 15 Feb 89 05:41:14 GMT >>From: Aaron Sloman >>Date: Wed, 15 Feb 89 05:40:26 GMT >>Message-Id: <18351.8902150540@cste.cvaxa.sussex.ac.uk> >>To: aarons@cste.uucp, andrewg@cste.uucp, cs88@cste.uucp >>Status: R >> >>Dear Andrew, >> >>I must admit that I tried to hack into your >>directory today. >> >>I will understand if you decide to take this >>matter any further and mail the System >>Manager about my dubious activities. >> >>I would like to take this opportunity to >>warn all other users of the system that I >>am a self-confessed hacker, and to guard >>your own files safely from me. >> >>Yours apologetically, >> >>aarons. >From aarons@csuna.uucp Fri Feb 24 22:00:49 1989 >From: Aaron Sloman >To: roys@tsuna.uucp >Subject: ~newwords/library/hack > >Roy, >Thanks for the courtesy of giving me an opportunity to object to the >entry in this file. > > > >You can leave it there and add the following: > ------------ >Aaron's explanation is that because of complaints of various kinds about >mis-uses of the system, he was checking up on signs of suspicious >behaviour unaware of the fact that the login procedures on CSTE had the >unfortunate effect of changing the user's $PATH variable to start with >the current directory. As a result he fell into a malicious trap. > >The setting of $PATH on cste has now been fixed, as a result. > ------------ >OK? > >Aaron >From: Aaron Sloman >Date: Fri, 24 Feb 89 22:12:26 GMT >To: sunusers-east@csuna.uucp, poplog@csuna.uucp, support@csuna.uucp >Subject: Poplog login script on CSTE > >I have changed the Poplog login script on CS Suns so that it no longer >puts the current directory on the front of $PATH. This should reduce the >risk of falling into malicious traps set by certain individuals. > >Aaron -- The Way of the Disk Seeker ------------------------------------------------ As he sat staring at the video screen, his brain waves synchronizing with the screen's refresh rate, he struggled with the koan that the Master Control Program had presented to him just days before. He hadn't moved from his contoured chair with its adjustable backrest since the words appeared on his screen. "What is the number obtained on a divide by zero?" He knew that koans had no explainable answer and the answer was not the important thing but still he had doubts. He could see the flicker interval increasing, or so it seemed, until the screen just drew a blank. Then it dawned on him that he couldn't remember his name or where he was. Without even willing it, his hands made their way to the keyboard and began typing the word "whoami". It was as if he'd become a peripheral device for some unconscious power. He wasn't really typing - 'It' was. He sensed the scanning electron beam projecting itself beyond the phosphor behind the glass to the back of his eyeballs, to his brain, probing the source of his thoughts, etching the System's reply in gray matter. "To name a name is to delimit a 'thing'". He didn't have to read the words. He wasn't sure if they really were words. He could feel his impulse response racing to infinity in what seemed like an eternity. He saw the poles and zeros shifting in the s-plane as the singularity engulfed him. All distinctions between mind and body, hardware and software, user and system disappeared as he became one with the System. As he slowly settled into the steady state, a delicious smile crept on his lips. All at once he knew. He had reached Cyberspace. -- Real Programmers don't use Pascal ----------------------------------------- Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers, it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period, the Real Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the Quiche Eaters were the ones that didn't. A real computer programmer said things like DO 10 I=1,10 and ABEND (they actually talked in capital letters, you understand), and the rest of the world said things like "computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers -- they're so impersonal". (A previous work points out that Real Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.) But, as usual, times change. We are faced today with a world in which little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens, 12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water playing Asteroids and Pac-Man, and anyone can buy and even understand their very own Personal Computer. The Real Programmer is in danger of becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's. There is a clear need to point out the differences between the typical high-school junior Pac-Man player and a Real Programmer. If this difference is made clear, it will give these kids something to aspire to -- a role model, a Father Figure. It will also help explain to the employers of Real Programmers why it would be a mistake to replace the Real Programmers on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man players (at a considerable salary savings). LANGUAGES _________ The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language he (or she) uses. Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth'." One can tell immediately from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM\370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler, and a beer. * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN. * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN. If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in assembly language. If you can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing. STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING ______________________ The academics in computer science have gotten into the "structured programming" rut over the past several years. They claim that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses some special language constructs and techniques. They don't all agree on exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show their particular point of view invariably fit on a single page of some obscure journal or another -- clearly not enough of an example to convince anyone. When I got out of school, I thought I was the best programmer in the world. I could write an unbeatable tic-tac-toe program, use five different computer languages, and create 1000-line programs that WORKED. (Really!) Then I got out into the Real World. My first task in the Real World was to read and understand a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two. Any Real Programmer will tell you that all the Structured Coding in the world won't help you solve a problem like that -- it takes actual talent. Some quick observations on Real Programmers and Structured Programming: * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's. * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused. * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting. * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop. * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious. * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using assigned GOTO's. Data Structures have also gotten a lot of press lately. Abstract Data Types, Structures, Pointers, Lists, and Strings have become popular in certain circles. Wirth (the above-mentioned Quiche Eater) actually wrote an entire book contending that you could write a program based on data structures, instead of the other way around. As all Real Programmers know, the only useful data structure is the Array. Strings, lists, structures, sets -- these are all special cases of arrays and can be treated that way just as easily without messing up your programing language with all sorts of complications. The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare them, and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on the first letter of the (six character) variable name. OPERATING SYSTEMS _________________ What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid -- CP/M, after all, is basically a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M. Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers. No, your Real Programmer uses OS\370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in his JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs buried in a 6 megabyte core dump without using a hex calculator. (I have actually seen this done.) OS is a truly remarkable operating system. It's possible to destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the programming staff is encouraged. The best way to approach the system is through a keypunch. Some people claim there is a Time Sharing system that runs on OS\370, but after careful study I have come to the conclusion that they were mistaken. PROGRAMMING TOOLS _________________ What kind of tools does a Real Programmer use? In theory, a Real Programmer could run his programs by keying them into the front panel of the computer. Back in the days when computers had front panels, this was actually done occasionally. Your typical Real Programmer knew the entire bootstrap loader by memory in hex, and toggled it in whenever it got destroyed by his program. (Back then, memory was memory -- it didn't go away when the power went off. Today, memory either forgets things when you don't want it to, or remembers things long after they're better forgotten.) Legend has it that Seymour Cray, inventor of the Cray I supercomputer and most of Control Data's computers, actually toggled the first operating system for the CDC7600 in on the front panel from memory when it was first powered on. Seymour, needless to say, is a Real Programmer. One of my favorite Real Programmers was a systems programmer for Texas Instruments. One day he got a long distance call from a user whose system had crashed in the middle of saving some important work. Jim was able to repair the damage over the phone, getting the user to toggle in disk I/O instructions at the front panel, repairing system tables in hex, reading register contents back over the phone. The moral of this story: while a Real Programmer usually includes a keypunch and lineprinter in his toolkit, he can get along with just a front panel and a telephone in emergencies. In some companies, text editing no longer consists of ten engineers standing in line to use an 029 keypunch. In fact, the building I work in doesn't contain a single keypunch. The Real Programmer in this situation has to do his work with a "text editor" program. Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and the Real Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style. Many people believe that the best text editors in the world were written at Xerox Palo Alto Research Center for use on their Alto and Dorado computers. Unfortunately, no Real Programmer would ever use a computer whose operating system is called SmallTalk, and would certainly not talk to the computer with a mouse. Some of the concepts in these Xerox editors have been incorporated into editors running on more reasonably named operating systems -- EMACS and VI being two. The problem with these editors is that Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated, cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous. TECO, to be precise. It has been observed that a TECO command sequence more closely resembles transmission line noise than readable text. One of the more entertaining games to play with TECO is to type your name in as a command line and try to guess what it does. Just about any possible typing error while talking with TECO will probably destroy your program, or even worse -- introduce subtle and mysterious bugs in a once working subroutine. For this reason, Real Programmers are reluctant to actually edit a program that is close to working. They find it much easier to just patch the binary object code directly, using a wonderful program called SUPERZAP (or its equivalent on non-IBM machines). This works so well that many working programs on IBM systems bear no relation to the original FORTRAN code. In many cases, the original source code is no longer available. When it comes time to fix a program like this, nomanager would even think of sending anything less than a Real Programmer to do the job -- no Quiche Eating structured programmer would even know where to start. This is called "job security". Some programming tools NOT used by Real Programmers: * FORTRAN preprocessors like MORTRAN and RATFOR. The Cuisinarts of programming -- great for making Quiche. See comments above on structured programming. * Source language debuggers. Real Programmers can read core dumps. * Compilers with array bounds checking. They stifle creativity, destroy most of the interesting uses for EQUIVALENCE, and make it impossible to modify the operating system code with negative subscripts. Worst of all, bounds checking is inefficient. * Source code maintenance systems. A Real Programmer keeps his code locked up in a card file, because it implies that its owner cannot leave his important programs unguarded. THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT WORK ___________________________ Where does the typical Real Programmer work? What kind of programs are worthy of the efforts of so talented an individual? You can be sure that no Real Programmer would be caught dead writing accounts-receivable programs in COBOL, or sorting mailing lists for People magazine. A Real Programmer wants tasks of earth-shaking importance (literally!). * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers. * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions. * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies. * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems for cruise missiles. Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California. Many of them know the entire operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart. With a combination of large ground-based FORTRAN programs and small spacecraft-based assembly language programs, they are able to do incredible feats of navigation and improvisation -- hitting ten-kilometer wide windows at Saturn after six years in space, repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries. Allegedly, one Real Programmer managed to tuck a pattern-matching program into a few hundred bytes of unused memory in a Voyager spacecraft that searched for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter. The current plan for the Galileo spacecraft is to use a gravity assist trajectory past Mars on the way to Jupiter. This trajectory passes within 80 +/-3 kilometers of the surface of Mars. Nobody is going to trust a PASCAL program (or a PASCAL programmer) for navigation to these tolerances. As you can tell, many of the world's Real Programmers work for the U.S. Government -- mainly the Defense Department. This is as it should be. Recently, however, a black cloud has formed on the Real Programmer horizon. It seems that some highly placed Quiche Eaters at the Defense Department decided that all Defense programs should be written in some grand unified language called ADA ((C), DoD). For a while, it seemed that ADA was destined to become a language that went against all the precepts of Real Programming -- a language with structure, a language with data types, strong typing, and semicolons. In short, a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical Real Programmer. Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD has enough interesting features to make it approachable -- it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with the operating system and rearranging memory, and Edsger Dijkstra doesn't like it. (Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author of "GoTos Considered Harmful" -- a landmark work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.) Besides, the determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language. The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know it, providing there's enough money in it. There are several Real Programmers building video games at Atari, for example. (But not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the machine every time: no challenge in that.) Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer. (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.) The proportion of Real Programmers in Computer Graphics is somewhat lower than the norm, mostly because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet. On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs. THE REAL PROGRAMMER AT PLAY ___________________________ Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works -- with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing Real Programmers away from the computer room: * At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. * At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper. * At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand. * At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary." * In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time. THE REAL PROGRAMMER'S NATURAL HABITAT _____________________________________ What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, it's best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done. The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are: * Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office. * Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush. * Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OS JCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages. * Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calendar for the year 1969. * Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars -- the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they can't get any worse while waiting in the vending machine. * Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions. * Underneath the Oreos is a flowcharting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintenance people.) The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesn't bother the Real Programmer -- it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only impresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general: * No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night). * Real Programmers don't wear neckties. * Real Programmers don't wear high-heeled shoes. * Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch. * A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table. * Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee. THE FUTURE __________ What of the future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft -- protected from the realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly" operating systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL programmers? >From my experience, I can only report that the future is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. Neither OS\370 nor FORTRAN show any signs of dying out, despite all the efforts of PASCAL programmers the world over. Even more subtle tricks, like adding structured coding constructs to FORTRAN have failed. Oh sure, some computer vendors have come out with FORTRAN 77 compilers, but every one of them has a way of converting itself back into a FORTRAN 66 compiler at the drop of an option card -- to compile DO loops like God meant them to be. Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers as it once was. The latest release of Unix has the potential of an operating system worthy of any Real Programmer -- two different and subtly incompatible user interfaces, an arcane and complicated teletype driver, virtual memory. If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even C programming can be appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking, variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data types is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place. (Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.) No, the future isn't all that bad. Why, in the past few years, the popular press has even commented on the bright new crop of computer nerds and hackers leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T. for the Real World. From all evidence, the spirit of Real Programming lives on in these young men and women. As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later. Long live FORTRAN! -- Real Programmers don't eat quiche ----------------------------------------- Real programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real programmers don't comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real programmers don't write applications programs; they program right down to the bare metal. Applications programming is for dweebs who can't do systems programming. Real programmers don't write in prolog. Prolog is for wimpy applications programmers. Real programmers don't write in pop-11 - Real programmers re-write poplog so that the same command never works in quite the same way two weeks running. Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. Real programmers never work 9-5. If any Real programmers are even around at 9am, they were up all night. Real programmers never write in basic. Actually, no programmers ever write in basic after the age of 12. Real programmers don't write in lisp. Lisp is for programmers that can't decide between pop-11 and prolog. Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and Real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain suddenly springs up in the middle of the machine room. Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck. -- The Invention of the Wheel ------------------------------------------------ Assembler programmers invent millions of wheels, no two of which fit the same axle. Algol programmers refuse to build a wheel because it might goto somewhere. Ada programmers build a square wheel and groove all the roads to fit it. BASIC programmers build a wheel and discover nobody knows what an axle is. Forth programmers build wheels then forget where they stacked them. LISP programmers build (wheels within (wheel within (what lisp programmers build))))). PL/1 programmers assign a team to build a wheel factory to build the wrong size of wheel. Pascal programmers make a virtue of walking. Business programmers did all their inventing in the days of the tricycle, allowed room for only three wheels, and then lost the source. Systems programmers recognize the need for the wheel, but they have to defer its release while they put ten more person-years into a completely general Road-interface Manager. DOS programmers invented the track instead. IBM hasn't developed a cryptic error message for it yet. -- DEC Wars (aka Core Wars) -------------------------------------------------- XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... As we enter the scene, an Administrative Multiplexer is trying to kill a consulate ship. Many of their signals have gotten through, and RS232 decides it's time to fork off a new process before this old ship is destroyed. His companion, 3CPU, is following him only because he appears to know where he's going... I'm going to regret this!" cried 3CPU, as he followed RS232 into the buffer. RS232 closed the pipes, made the sys call, and their process detached itself from the burning shell of the ship. The commander of the Administrative Multiplexer was quite pleased with the attack. "Another process just forked, sir. Instructions?" asked the lieutenant. "Hold your fire. That last power failure must have caused a trap through zero. It's not using any cpu time, so don't waste a signal on it." "We can't seem to find the data file anywhere, Lord Vadic." "What about that forked process? It could have been holding the channel open, and just pausing. If any links exist, I want them removed or made inaccessable. Ncheck the entire file system 'til it's found, and nice it -20 if you have to." Meanwhile, in our wandering process... "Are you sure you can ptrace this thing without causing a core dump?" queried 3CPU to RS232. This thing's been stripped, and I'm in no mood to try and debug it." The lone process finishes execution, only to find our friends dumped on a lonely file system, with the setuid inode stored safely in RS232. Not knowing what else to do, they wandered around until the jawas grabbed them. Enter our hero, Luke Vaxhacker, who is out to get some replacement parts for his uncle. The jawas wanted to sell him 3CPU, but 3CPU didn't know how to talk directly to an 11/40 with RSTS, so Luke would still needed some sort of interface for 3CPU to connect to. "How about this little RS232 unit ?" asked 3CPU. "I've dealt with him many times before, and he does an excellent job at keeping his bits straight." Luke was pressed for time, so he took 3CPU's advice, and the three left before they could get swapped out. However, RS232 is not the type to stay put once you remove the retaining screws. He promptly scurried off into the the deserted disk space. "Great!" cried Luke, "Now I've got this little tin box with the only link to that file off floating in the free disk space. Well, 3CPU, we better go find him before he gets allocated by someone else." The two set off, and finaly traced RS232 to the home of PDP-1 Kenobi, who was busily trying to run an icheck on the little RS unit. "Is this thing yours? His indirect addresses are all goofed up, and the size is all wrong. Leave things like this on the loose, and you'll wind up with dups everywhere. However, I think I've got him fixed up." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Later that evening, after futile attempts to interface RS232 to Kenobi's Asteroids cartridge, Luke accidentally crossed the small 'droid's CXR and Initiate Remote Test (must have been all that Coke he'd consumed), and the screen showed a very distressed person claiming royal lineage making a plea for help from some General OS/1 Kenobi. "Darn," mumbled Luke. "I'll never get this Asteroids game worked out." PDP-1 seemed to think there was some significance to the message and a possible threat to Luke's home directory. If the Administrative Empire was indeed tracing this 'droid, it was likely they would more than charge for cpu time... "We must get that 'droid off this file system," he said after some intervals. They sped off to warn Luke's kin (taking a `relative' path) only to find a vacant directory... cat: some directory in the specified path does not exist: /usr/Tatooine/owen/lars ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /owen/lars, across the surface of the Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program," said PDP-1. "You will never find a more wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." As our heroes' process entered /usr/spool/news, it was met by a newsgroup of Administrative protection bits. "State your UID," commanded their parent process. "We're running under /usr/guest," said Luke. "This is our first time on this system." "Where did you get these file processes?" the parent process ls -l'ed. "We are just in from the remote terminals." replied Luke. "They could be transferred to your filespace, for the right amount of AU's" said PDP-1 Kenobi. "Can I see some temporary privileges, please?" "Uh..." "This is not the process you are looking for," piped in PDP-1, using an obscure bug to momentarily set his effective UID to root. "We can go about our business." "This isn't the process we want. You are free to go about your business. MOV along!" PDP-1 and Luke made their way through a long and tortuous nodelist (cwruecmp!decvax!ucbvax!harpo!ihnss!ihnsc!ihnss!ihps3!stolaf) to a dangerous netnode frequented by hackers, and seldom polled by Administrative Multiplexers. As Luke stepped up to the bus, PDP-1 went in search of a likely file descriptor. Luke had never seen such a collection of weird and exotic device drivers. Long ones, short ones, ones with stacks, EBCDIC converters, and direct binary interfaces all were drinking data at the bus. "#@{ *&^%^$$#@ ":><," transmitted a particularly unstructured piece of code. "He doesn't like you," decoded his coroutine. "Sorry," replied Luke, beginning to backup his partitions. "I don't like you either. I am queued for deletion on 12 systems." "I'll be careful." "You'll be reallocated!" concatenated the coroutine. "This little routine isn't worth the overhead," said PDP-1 Kenobi, overlaying into Luke's address space. "@$%&(&^%&$$@$#@$AV^$gfdfRW$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" encoded the first coroutine as it attempted to overload PDP-1's input overvoltage protection. With a unary stroke of his bytesaber, Kenobi unlinked the offensive code. "I think I've found an I/O device that might suit us." "The name's Con Solo," said the hacker next to PDP-1. "I hear you're looking for some relocation." "Yes indeed, if it's a fast channel. We must get off this device." "Fast channel? The Milliamp Falcon has made the ARPA gate in less than twelve nodes! Why, I've even outrun cancelled messages. It's fast enough for you, old version." Our heroes, Luke Vaxhacker and PDP-1 Kenobi made their way to the temporary file structure. When he saw the hardware, Luke exclaimed, "What a piece of junk! That's just a paper tape reader!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Luke had grown up on an out of the way terminal cluster whose natives spoke only BASIC, but even he could recognize an old ASR-33. "It needs an EIA conversion at least," sniffed 3CPU, who was (as usual) trying to do several things at once. Lights flashed in Con Solo's eyes as he whirled to face the parallel processor. "I've added a few jumpers. The Milliamp Falcon can run current loops around any Administrative TTY fighter. She's fast enough for you." "Who's your co-pilot?" asked PDP-1 Kenobi. "Two Bacco, here, my Bookie." "Odds aren't good," said the brownish lump beside him, and then fell silent, or over. Luke couldn't tell which way was top underneath all those leaves. Suddenly, RS232 started spacing wildly. They turned just in time to see a write cycle coming down the UNIBUS toward them. "Administrative Bus Signals!" shouted Con Solo. "Let's boot this pop stand! Tooie, set clock fast!" "Ok, Con," said Luke. "You said this crate was fast enough. Get us out of here!" "Shut up, kid! Two Bacco, prepare to make the jump into system space! I'll try to keep their buffers full." As the bookie began to compute the vectors into low core, spurious characters appeared around the Milliamp Falcon. "They're firing!" shouted Luke. "Can't you do something?" "Making the jump to system space takes time, kid. One missed cycle and you could come down right in the middle of a pack of stack frames!" "Three to five we can go now," said the bookie. Bright chunks of position independent code flashed by the cockpit as the Milliamp Falcon jumped through the kernel page tables. As the crew breathed a sigh of relief, the bookie started paying off bets. "Not bad, for an acoustically coupled network," remarked 3CPU. "Though there was a little phase jitter as we changed parity." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The story thus far: Luke, PDP-1 and their 'droids RS232 and 3CPU have made good their escape from the Administrative Bus Signals with the aid of Con Solo and the bookie, Two Bacco. The Milliamp Falcon hurtles onward through system space. Meanwhile, on a distant page in user space... Princess _LPA0: was ushered into the conference room, followed closely by Dec Vadic. "Governor Tarchive," she spat, "I should have expected to find you holding Vadics lead. I recognized your unique pattern when I was first brought aboard." She eyed the 0177545 tatooed on his header coldly. "Charming to the last," Tarchive declared menacingly. "Vadic, have you retrieved any information?" "Her resistance to the logic probe is considerable," Vadic rasped. "Perhaps we would get faster results if we increased the supply voltage..." "You've had your chance, Vadic. Now I would like the princess to witness the test that will make this workstation fully operational. Today we enable the -r beam option, and we've chosen the princess' $HOME of /usr/alderaan as the primary target." "No! You can't! /usr/alderaan is a public account, with no restricted permissions. We have no backup tapes! You can't..." "Then name the rebel inode!" Tarchive snapped. A voice announced over a hidden speaker that they had arrived in /usr. "1248," she whispered, "They're on /dev/rm3. Inode 1248, /mnt/dantooine." She turned away. Tarchive sighed with satisfaction. "There, you see, Lord Vadic? She can be reasonable. Proceed with the operation." It took several clock ticks for the words to penetrate. "What!" _LPA0: gasped. "/dev/rm3 is not a mounted filesystem," Tarchive explained. "We require a more visible subject to demonstrate the power of the Are-Em Star workstation. We will mount an attack on /mnt/dantooine as soon as possible." As the princess watched, Tarchive reached over and typed "ls" on a nearby terminal. There was a brief pause, there being only one processor on board, and the viewscreen showed, ".: not found." The princess suddenly double- spaced and went off-line. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Milliamp Falcon hurtles on through system space... Con Solo finished checking the various control and status registers, finally convinced himself that they had lost the Bus Signals as they passed the terminator. As he returned from the I/O page, he smelled smoke. Solo wasn't concerned--the Bookie always got a little hot under the collar when he was losing at chess. In fact, RS232 had just executed a particularly clever MOV that had blocked the Bookie's data paths. The Bookie, who had been setting the odds on the game, was caught holding all the cards. A little strange for a chess game... Across the room, Luke was too busy practicing bit-slice technique to notice the commotion. "On a word boundary, Luke," said PDP-1. "Don't just hack at it. Remember, the Bytesaber is the weapon of the Red-eye Night. It is used to trim offensive lines of code. Excess handwaving won't get you anywhere. Listen for the Carrier." Luke turned back to the drone, which was humming quietly in the air next to him. This time Luke's actions complemented the drone's attacks perfectly. Con Solo, being an unimaginative hacker, was not impressed. "Forget this bit-slicing stuff. Give me a good ROM blaster any day." "~~j~~hhji~~," said Kenobi, with no clear inflection. He fell silent for a few seconds, and reasserted his control. "What happened?" asked Luke. "Strange," said PDP-1. "I felt a momentary glitch in the Carrier. It's equalized now." "We're coming up on user space," called Solo from the CSR. As they cruised safely through stack frames, the emerged in the new context only to be bombarded by freeblocks. "What the..." gasped Solo. The screen showed clearly: /usr/alderaan: not found "It's the right inode, but it's been cleared! Twoie, where's the nearest file?" "3 to 5 there's one..." the Bookie started to say, but was interrupted by a bright flash off to the left. "Administrative TTY fighters!" shouted Solo. "A whole DZ of them! Where are they coming from?" "Can't be far from the host system," said Kenobi. "They all have direct EIA connections." As Solo began to give chase, the ship lurched suddenly. Luke noticed the link count was at 3 and climbing rapidly. "This is no regular file," murmured Kenobi. "Look at the ODS directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor feed." "There's no way we'll unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going in." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to the open collector of the Administrative Are-Em Star Workstation. Dec Vadic surveys the relic as Administrative Flunkies search for passengers... "LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was unconvinced. "Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want every inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked off. On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?" .Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that period in front of your name?" .Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd that come from?" he asked. "Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself. They aren't going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way outa here." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an error?" "%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1. "Doesn't look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point. Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line'," said 3CPU. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of the privileged levels." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Good day, eh?" said the first guard. "How's it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?" "Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con. "Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about it, and we're not morons, eh?" At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted "Look out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right. The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when the ROM blasters were turned on them. "Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going to take long for these..." The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware with a short blast. "guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, like, remember we left our heroes in the detention priority level? Well, they're still there... Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a sound- proof enclosure. He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism inside. "Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess _LPA0:. "Wha? Oh, the Docksiders," stammered Luke. He took off his shoes (for industry) and explained, "I've come relocate you. I'm Luke Vaxhacker." Suddenly, forms started bursting around them. "They've blocked the queue!" shouted Solo. "There's only one return from this stack!" "OVER HERE!" printed _LPA0: with overstrikes. "THROUGH THIS LOOPHOLE!" Luke and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature. "Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust an Administrative oversight. "I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie toward the crock. "DPB yourself in there now!" With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them. The "feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection data. Pieces of data that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in a pool of decaying bits. "Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his second. The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in this situation weren't much better. Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover. "This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away. The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly disappeared. He popped up accross the pool, shouting, "This is no feature! It's a bug!" and promptly vanished again. Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared. "What happened?" they asked in parallel. "I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically. Maybe it hit a breakpoint..." "I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking. I've got a bad feeling about this..." The princess was the first to realize what was going on. "They've implemented a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed. Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted. Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the lisp interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation, slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high, but the Spl6 sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a passing iput, he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the Milliamp Falcon. They would be long gone before the locked inode was diagnosed... Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process where the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Finding it and switching context, he discovered his priority weakened suddenly. "That's not very nice," was all he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear. "I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic. "We meet again at last. The circuit has been completed." They looped several times, locking byte sabers. Bit by bit, PDP-1 appeared to weaken. The fight had come into the address space of the Milliamp Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke and the others to reassert control. Luke paused to watch the conflict. "If my blade finds its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to so many bits. But if you slice me down, I will only gain computing power." "Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled Vadic. "my Role MASTER now." With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately, the word was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but Kenobi was nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative, just before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned... Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp Falcon. Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of the process, onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232 were idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for him, but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly from nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say, "May the carrier be with you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some months later... Luke was feeling rather bored. 3CPU could get to be rather irritating and RS232 didn't really speak Luke's language. Suddenly, Luke felt someone's eyes boring through the back of his skull. He turned slowly to see...nothing. A quiet voice came from somewhere in front of him. "Grasshopper, the carrier is strong within you." Luke froze, which was a good thing since his legs were insisting that he run but they weren't likely to be particular about direction. Luke guessed that his odds of getting lost in the dense tree structures were pretty good. Unfortunately, the Bookie wasn't available. "Yes. Very strong, but the modulation is yet weak. His network interface is undeveloped," the voice continued. A small furry creature walked out of the woods as Luke stared on. Luke's stomach had now joined the rest of his body in loud complaints. Whatever was peering at him was certainly small and furry, but Luke was quite sure that it didn't come from Alpha Centauri. "Well, well," said the creature as it rolled its eyes at Luke. "Frobozz, y'know. Morning, name's Modem. What's your game? Adventure? D&D? Or are you just one of those Apple - pong types that hang around the store demonstrations?" Luke closed his eyes. Perhaps, if he couldn't see it, it wouldn't notice him. "H'mm," muttered the creature. "Must use a different protocol. @@@H @@ @($@@@H }"@G$ @#@@G'(o% @@@@@%%H(b ?" "No, no!," stammered Luke. "I don't speak EBCDIC. I was sent here to become a UNIX wizard. Must have the wrong address." "Right address," said the creature. "I am a UNIX wizard. Device drivers a specialty. Or do you prefer playing with virtual memory?" Luke eyed the creature cautiously. If this was what happened to system wizards after years of late night crashes, Luke wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with it. He felt a strange affection for the familiar micro- computers of his home. And wasn't virtual memory something that you got from drinking too much Coke? -- Vax Trek V ---------------------------------------------------------------- VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits" ---------------------------------------- These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey..Its five cpu minute mission to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy files...To boldly split infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists.... Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31 -------------------------------------- Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm about to be interrupted by Scotty. Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.." Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.." Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!" Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main engines and disconnect my home beer making kit." Scotty: "Thanks cap'n" Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..." Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys anyway..." Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones." Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?" Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red.. it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor built in." Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain" Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo" Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer from...but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your teeth in." Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?" Spock: "Emmm....yes captain" Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...." Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again" Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?" Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.." Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode. I can get another acting job easily." Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?" Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..." Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?" Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.." Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time." Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late" Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before episode 2?" Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...." NEXT WEEK: Episode 3. NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2. ...you're a genius scotty... Episode 3: ---------- Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42 -------------------------------------- By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till episode 2. Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship." Spock: "Jim..." Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?" Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad." Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a Federation Court Martial." Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now." Spock: "Jim..." Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..." Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really." Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu, but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might be of considerable interest to both of you." Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!" Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?" Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp drive power!!!!" Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..." Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens ...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing" Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?" Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage." Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're going in....hang on to yer trousers...." Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe.. It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its ears and floated round the room. "Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside the window. "It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third side now....", replied Frodo. "I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.", said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round window. "Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares, buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a state of bemused excitement.... Episode 2: ---------- Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42 -------------------------------------- We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse. Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp drive unit we cannot take off. Scotty: "You BASTARD!!" Jim: "Pardon???!?" Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode." Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.." Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??" Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them fixed by the end of today's episode." Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?" Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?" Spock: "I'll come..." Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.." Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way down..." [10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be a rough cobbled road] Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'. Give me a tricorder reading Spock." Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..." Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet" Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once you're actually there..." Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?" Spock: "It always is...." Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?" Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals... ...here listen..." [...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...] Jim: "..primitive indeed..." Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.." Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..." Scotty: "Never mind that...look!" [Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat] Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.." [The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...] Episode 4: ---------- [...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode two of course) in a bit of a predicament. Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat. Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it was too late....] Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log) -------------------------------- We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking at quite a pace.....umph!... Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..." Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for want of a better word)) "That's alright" Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm" Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no... I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were about to attack us all I think" Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills might be the best way to get around these savages" Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the ship" Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you" Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?" Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice when you were at Federation cadet school?" Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?" Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by disrupting the lives of these little people!" Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..." Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll have to take severe action!" Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our best.." Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow) "I think we may be in luck Captain" Jim: "Who is he?" Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre, shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!" Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!" Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien lifeforms" Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms in a friendly and diplomatic manner." Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!" Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!" Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..." Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway. Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe the Dylithium." Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon" Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.." Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back to grab the crystals..." Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!" [**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****] Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully operational, Captain." Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a troop of guards on deck 3..." Spock: "How did he get on board?" Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What time do you make it Mr.Sulu?" Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir" Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu" Sulu: "About teatime, sir" Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!" Sulu: "Aye aye Captain" Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in populated areas.....ah, what the hell........ Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all.... Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf. Episode 5: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927 -------------------------------- We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the galaxy and... Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable and poorly understood deeper concepts." Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.." [**** BUMP !!! ****] Jim: "..What the..." Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!" Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up the forward view on the screen." Sulu: "Aye aye Captain" Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..." Spock: "...highly illogical.." Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large brick walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....." Spock: "Groan..." Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired." Spock: "But Captain!" Jim: "No buts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase" Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..." [Fiddles with various scanner controls...] Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by their cloaking device." Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a thump when we hit it after all..." Spock: "Ah....good point" [There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...] Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun" Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?" Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other episodes" Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly... Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact with the Klingon vessels" Uhura: "Aye aye sir..." Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to" Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up" Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode.... SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only 2 pounds 99p, from: Starship Enterprises, Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer, PO Box 42, Pythagoras Street, Planet Vulcan. Episode 6: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242 -------------------------------- We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers.. Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep your hands up!" Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log" Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk" Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that would you?" Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse their suspicions..." Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the engines, the crew, the ship in general really." Uhura: "...Nothing about me?" Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.." Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do anything." Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?" Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain" Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need to go and powder my nose already..." Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his handbag) Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh forget it......." Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel) "Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please... Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..." ["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."] Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.." Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..." Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...." Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!" Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation Starship...and at last we have succeeded..." Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..." Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors go 'Sheesh'" Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?" Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years to find out, but our greatest scientists built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door noises on nearby starships..." Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless.. ...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn... ..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they didn't..." Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..." [Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....] Episode 7: ---------- Captain's Log Stardate 42.5 --------------------------- ..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us. Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?" Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!" Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything out of the ordinary" Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.." Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of your crew into deep space." Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information out of me..." Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?" Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b" Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch them carefully til I get back." [The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep an eye on the Enterprise crew members] Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles.. at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute to search each one...that makes..." Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?" Jim: "Should it?" Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean there are 236 cisterns" Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have miscounted......" Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into account that on average he really only needs to search half of them.. indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..." Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties" Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.." Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!" Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself.. The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch.. the mighty Scots Pine!...." Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...." [They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....] Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..." Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!" Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......." Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he wakes up he'll be back to normal..." Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?" Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for quite a while." Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the series?" Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.." Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm them..." Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...." Bones: "What is it?" Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE Spock went cuckoo" Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...." Checkov: "I have an idea Captain" Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!" Checkov: "But it might just work" Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd jump on them." Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..." Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!" Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast them with our phasers?" Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their weapons?" Checkov: "....THEY did...." Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!" Checkov: "Can I fire first then?" Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!" [The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping on the special effects)] Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!" [They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of the bridge..] [Sheesh...] [aaaaaaaaaaargh!!] Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense? Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered.... Episode 8: ---------- [Sheesh..] [Aaaaaaaargh!] ....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft... ....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up, and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft... Jim: "What the..." Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?" Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.." Bones: "ah!....so it's true...." Jim: "What is?" Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't given it much credence." Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.." Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their dark glasses and their violin cases." Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..." Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them, they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.." Scotty: "Cough..." Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..." Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today rather than his usual red.] Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..." [There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!", followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short skirt.] Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little man!" Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!" Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist aren't you?" Uhura: "What!?" Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the original class ridden social structure into a single party state where absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality. Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government wins you more medals at the Olympic games." Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you ...anyway I've found what I was looking for...." Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?" Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...." Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it" Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off" Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..." Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than 'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context you can tell I didn't mean the latter." Spock: "..Oh I dunno..." Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon flagship." Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock] Spock: "Well done Captain.." Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the floor...then raise your hands above your head" Uhura: "grrr.." Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.." [Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the bridge...] 1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe." Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?" 1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really" Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book] "...could you come back in the next episode?" 1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?" Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of that...see you then" [The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..] Jim: "Right where were we?" Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and treason." [There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood] Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with damn formalities.." Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies? Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out? Will Jim get a chance to do his log? ******************************************************************************* VAX-Trek II-The Search For Spock ================================ (Ed. May I suggest SEARCH *.* Spock ???) These are the voyages of the VAXship Enter-Key...It's 10 CPU minute mission- To seek out and destroy new files and new subdirectories...to boldly go where no diskhead has gone before... Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:50:45 ----------------------------------- After a surprise attack from a Plingon Installed Image, the Enter-Key is drifting damaged and powerless in virtual address space. A direct hit on the main kernel mode drive unit has corrupted the stack pointer...and until Scottie can find a way of fixing it we are a sitting duck for further Plingon attack. To make matters worse, our allotted CPU time will run out in 10 seconds.... so time is of the essence. Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:55:34 ----------------------------------- Our hopes were raised when Scottie discovered $ADJSTK in the system servicing manual. Theoretically it SHOULD have let him re-adjust the stack pointer and re-activate the kernel mode drive....but all it did was link in a joystick/games paddle driver to the IO ports. After this set-back Scottie is pursuing other avenues of investigation.......again...time is of the essence... Scottie:"Mr. Scott to bridge...Mr. Scott to bridge..." Jim:"Yes Scottie..what is it?...by the way..all that 'Mr. Scott to bridge' nonsense isn't necessary when you're standing next to me!" Scottie: "Emm..Sorry Cap'n...I've had a thought Cap'n....If only we were aboard a detached-process vessel..we would at least have more time to sort out this problem..." Jim: "But we ARE Scottie....However..Direct orders from Starfleet Command have limited even detached-process vessels to the 10 CPU minute limit" Scottie:"Damn....never mind...I think I may have a solution...if I can somehow re-route the primary output from the di-lithium diskpacks through the DEBUG utility then I think it might just generate enough power to get us out of this situation.." Jim: "Get to work on it right away Scottie!" Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n......emm..but there is ONE small problem...We'll need to jettison excess weight in order to make it....I calculate that if we jettison the 11/44, and 300 crew members we might just make it." Jim: "Mmm...ok Scottie...Jettison all the ones that wear red jerseys...except of course you and Lt. Uhura.." Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n" Captain's log: CPU time 00:09:59:55 ----------------------------------- CPU Time is rapidly running out...Mr Scott is close to a solution to the problem but it may be too late. I have given orders to Uhura to open a DECnet link to Starfleet Command informing them of our situation. Scottie: "Mr. Scott to bridge...I've done it Cap'n!" Jim: "Well done Scottie!!..." Scottie: "I've re-activated the kernel mode drive...the di-lithium diskpacks are over-heating a bit but she should give us at least half normal power...enough to make it to the nearest Starbase..." Jim: "You're a genius Scottie...." Scottie: "Thank you Cap'n....Mr. Scott out." Jim: "Helmsman...Take us home...Page fault factor 3" Sulu: "Aye Aye Cap'n" Jim: "By the way...does anyone know where Spock is?" Sulu: "We were supposed to be searching for him weren't we?" Jim: "Woops...So we were!...Never mind, we'll do that in the next episode" ******************************************************************************* In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of utter emptiness.... ..and it was pretty quiet as well.... THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice.... Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before... then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was vax trek part 15.... ___-___ o==o======= . . . . . "Shuttle craft to =========== ||// Enterprise:..WAIT!!" \ \_|//__ <= #_______/ "Sulu, it's those 142 red jerseyed guards.. Give us warp factor 6...NOW!" Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit" ---------------------------------------------- Episode 7 --------- [The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell] 1st Guard: "Now you two behave yourself" 2nd Guard: "Yeah...no funny business" [They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down the corridor] Scotty: "WHAT are we going to do now?!!" Sulu: "I dunno...we've got big probs....If we don't get out of here soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happening again....and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole." Spock: [who has just appeared in the corridor] "Your worries are over gentlemen" Scotty: "Spock!..how did you get off the bridge?" Spock: "I was inside the computer cabinet remember?..Well I heard all the commotion on the bridge...so I crawled through one of the ventilation ducts...which came out just along the corridor there.... Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles...I thought we had eradicated them?" Scotty: "Aye....I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over on to that Klingon starship.....but obviously some must have got away.........Anyway...can you get us out of here?" Spock: "Well it's a bit tricky...the force field will only come down if I enter the correct combination on the keypad.....Alternatively I could take a more brute force approach..." [producing a soldering iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wire its innards in a reasonably destructive manner..] Sulu: "Hurry Mr.Spock...I don't think we have much time..." Spock: "Almost there.......almost there...just one more b" [At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look on his face] Sulu: "Damn!....we're going to be too late!.....and the force field is still up..." [Scotty charges at the force barrier.....and BOINNNNNGGGG!..bounces off and hits the far wall of the cell...] Scotty: [Looking a bit dazed] "....it's no use...well never get ou..." [At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field control panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell and adjoining corridor...] Sulu: [spitting out fragments of force field] "wow!...I've never seen an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!...." Scotty: "Pretty impressive I must say....and eminently conceptual.." Sulu: "Anyway..let's go!....I want to stop off at my cabin round the corner first though..." Scotty: "Eh? .." [Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetable oil and a fencing sword...] Scotty: "Ah!...I see...." [As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and empties the contents of the bottle over himself......Two guards coming round the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off their jerseys in sheer surprise....and by mere reflex action their phasers are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty...] Scotty: "..In the name o' the wee man!...that was CLOSE!" Sulu: "Too right!...keep running!" Scotty: "Wait a minute..!!...we passed that same corridor just a minute ago!..We must be going round in circles..." Sulu: "...Don't worry....I think it has something to do with the budget for the film set..." Scotty: "Ah!..ok..." Sulu: "There's the turbolift door up ahead!.." [They jump into the lift...] Scotty: "Bridge" Lift: "Bridge what?" Scotty: "Please!" Lift: "That's better....Now a few manners don't hurt do they?" Scotty: "Grrr...I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the Engineering section...I'd soon FIX them..." Lift: "I heard that..." Sulu: "Are we at the Bridge level yet?" Lift: "Yes...You can get off now...and good riddance.." [The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge] "SURPRISE!!!!!!": shouts everyone on the Bridge. Jim: [..wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu and Scotty..] "Happy birthday!.." Scotty: "Why, you rotten..." [the grim look on his face slowly turning into a smile..] Jim: "Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through...but the only way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to lock you up..." Sulu: "What about those aliens?...and how did you know Scotty and I had the same birthday?" Jim: "questions questions!!....come and enjoy the party...it IS for you after all....here, have a sausage roll....but PLEASE..put that sword away first!" [They all laugh jovially....and the party goes on into the night...which is a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where day and night have no meaning...but I think you know what I mean..] *****A NEW ADVENTURE STARTS SOON!!! ***** What were Scotty and Sulu's presents? What happened to the strange globular aliens?...How did Jim know that Scotty and Sulu had the same birthday?..DO they actually have the same birthday?..or was it just a cheap attempt at a coherent ending to a floundering episode? All these questions...and many more.. won't be answered in the next thrilling installment.... -David J. Young -- SemiConductor definitions and terminology --------------------------------- HOLES .................... the presence of nothing HOLE DENSITY ............. a concentrated amount of nothing in 1 small place ELECTRON ................. the absence of holes PLANCK'S CONSTANT ........ two board feet JUNCTION ................. fork in the road P-N JUNCTION ............. roadside rest area SEMI-CONDUCTOR ........... truck driver DEGENERATE SEMICONDUCTOR . truck driver who likes his tea DOPE ..................... someone you know HEAVILY DOPED ............ someone you wish you didn't know STORE CHARGE ............. wine cellar SILICON .................. a gay prisoner GERMANIUM ................ would have been a flower but someone misspelled it TRANSPORT FACTOR ......... cousin of Max Factor MAJORITY CARRIER ......... Republican carrying signs at a Republican convention MINORITY CARRIER ......... Democrat carrying signs at a Republican convention BASE ..................... low man in a quartet COMMON BASE .............. local pub COLLECTOR ................ one who collects COMMON COLLECTOR ......... one who collects from everybody COLLECTOR CAPACITY ....... maximum # of people a common collector can handle COLLECTOR BREAKDOWN ...... result of being a common collector VOLTAGE DROP ............. a candy, like a gum drop CURRENT DENSITY .......... present stupidity CURRENT GAIN ............. most recent rise in one's stock POWER GAIN ............... fullback up the middle ATOM ..................... part of an American colloquial expression, "up & atom" DELAY TIME ............... time it takes to start working after one has arrived on the premises RISE TIME ................ time one takes to get up in the morning after the alarm has gone off FALL TIME ................ September to November SWITCHING TRANSISTORS .... act of changing one transistor for another DCTL ..................... Don't Complain if the Transistor's Lousy IcZERO ................... mistake, it should read "I see Zorro" MINIATURE ................ small MICRO .................... damn small -- A Cautionary tale (apologies to Lewis Carroll) ---------------------------- A Cautionary Tale 'Twas weekend, and the tsun hacks, Did type and program in their shells. All operators off their backs, And Aaron "S" gone home as well. Beware that mighty Rourke, my son; One small mistake, your code he'll snatch. Beware the god-like root, take care, If you screw up, your tricks 't'will catch. He took his Sun id in hand, Long time Rourke's hidden code he sought. Through files, commands, directories, Not caring less if he were caught. And as he typed yet more commands, A daemon, conjured up by root Came frogging up his terminal, And echoed out to all 'Reboot!!...' Then inspiration struck the hack, And moving quickly up the tree, He broke the daemon's magic hold, And setuid davidy. "What's that!" friends cried, "You know his code!" "Come tell us all, you mighty hack!" "We now have won, We'll have such fun!" "With this the system we will crack" 'Twas evening, and the tsun hacks, Did type and program in their shells. All operators off their backs. But wait, has Aaron just logged on......? -- Nozzelpocky (apologies to Lewis Carroll) ---------------------------------- 'Twas poplog and the ranseed spot Did cdr and gensym on the nose: All minsky were the cogstudlot And the unkswun junk outgrows. "Beware the Nozzelpox my son! The boils that bulge, the spots that sprout! Beware the JudJud bird, and shun The boolean Popdevout!" He took his valof sword in hand: Sysdaytime the unxome foe he sought- So rested he by the datakey, And stood awhile in thought. And as in undef thought he stood, The Nozzelpox with warts aflame, Came rawcharin' through the frozval wood, And wibbled as it came! While, do! While, do! and true and true the valof blade went destpair-hack! He left it dead and with its hd He went quitlooping back. "And hast thou slain the Nozzelpox? Come to my arms my boundslist boy! O endunless day! Newanyarray!" He recursed in his joy. 'Twas poplog and the ranseed spot Did cdr and gensym on the nose: All minsky were the cogstudlot And the unkswun junk outgrows. -- 'Twas the Night before Startup -------------------------------------------- 'Twas the Night Before Start-up' Twas the night before start-up and all through the net, not a packet was moving; no bit nor octet. The engineers rattled their cards in despair, hoping a bad chip would blow with a flare. The salesmen were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of data nets danced in their heads. And I with my datascope tracings and dumps prepared for some pretty bad bruises and lumps. When out in the hall there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. There stood at the threshold with PC in tow, An ARPANET hacker, all ready to go. I could see from the creases that covered his brow, he'd conquer the crisis confronting him now. More rapid than eagles, he checked each alarm and scrutinized each for its potential harm. On LAPB, on OSI, X.25! TCP, SNA, V.35! His eyes were afire with the strength of his gaze; no bug could hide long; not for hours or days. A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know I had little to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, fixing a net that had gone plumb berserk; And laying a finger on one suspect line, he entered a patch and the net came up fine! The packets flowed neatly and protocols matched; the hosts interfaced and shift-registers latched. He tested the system from Gateway to PAD; not one bit was dropped; no checksum was bad. At last he was finished and wearily sighed and turned to explain why the system had died. I twisted my fingers and counted to ten; an off-by-one index had done it again... Vint Cerf December 1985 -- The Perfect Program ------------------------------------------------------- "no program's that perfect" they said with a shrug. "the client is happy-- what's one little bug?" but he was determined the others went home he dug out the flow chart deserted. alone. night passed into morning the room was quite littered with core dumps and punch cards. "i'm closer." he tittered. chain smoking, cold coffee. logic, deduction. "i've got it!" he cried. just change one instruction. then change two, then three more as year followed year. and strangers would comment "is that guy still here?" he died at the console of hunger and thirst next day he was buried face down, nine edge first. (for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards, "face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader) -- Ravin' -------------------------------------------------------------------- Ravin' by Laverne Ruby ------ -- ------- ---- Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore, As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring, As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four. "'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core -- Only this and nothing more." Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more. Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow >From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore-- Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore, Nameless here forevermore. Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready" Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before; And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding "'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core, It is this, and nothing more. Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker, And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door. Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity, Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore, For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore-- Darkness there, and nothing more. Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing, Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before; But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED), This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED), Merely this, and nothing more, Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding, Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck, Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore-- Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore-- 'Tis the cards, and nothing more!" Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting, Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before; Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I, Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more. But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core, Blinked, and sat, and nothing more. Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling. Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore; "Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter, Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore. Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption, Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore; For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective, Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore. Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor, Say such a word as "Nevermore?" But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score; Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten, 'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before-- On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before." Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy, Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore, "Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee! After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four! Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" "Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil! By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor! Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled. What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor! Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!" Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" "Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely. "May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore." While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking, For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door. "I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore. Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!" And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping, In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core. And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming, And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor-- And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor, Shall be lifted--nevermore! -- 'Twas the night before implementation ------------------------------------- 'Twas the Night Before Implementation ==================================== Submitted by Wildebeest <33000003@UNFVM> 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes of despair, with hope that a miracle would soon be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquires danced in their heads. When out of the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer, (with a six-pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he cursed and muttered and called them by name. On update! on add! on inquiry! on delete! on batch jobs! on closing! on functions complete! His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights in front of the screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, turning spec's into code; then turned with a jerk; And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key, the system came up and worked perfectly. The updates updated, the deletes, they deleted; the inquiries inquired, and closings completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell with nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded. the user's last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!" --------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------