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Standing in the lobby, Where few great men have been, For all great politicians, Are bluff and self esteem. Exits are NORTH, SOUTH, EAST & WEST. A man with spade and open arms, Wearing a big black hat, Welcomes you to join him, This is THE END and that is that. In Downing Street a copper stands, Twirling his baseball bat. His feet reach to the end of his boots, And his head to the top of his hat. The door is EAST and the road leads NORTHEAST. So Red Ken talks through his nose, That isn't such a farce, For the average Tory talks through his hat, And the SDP/LIB through his ear. Down a black hole with 3 Shredded Wheat, Without any time for something to eat On and on, mile after mile, You'll reach England in a while. A bigot and the Armagh twang, What a combination, But that is very largely true, Of his congregation. There's Enoch to the SOUTH. Wobert Wuncie wolled a wound woy wound, A wound Woy Wobert Wuncie wolled wound, Where wolled the wound Woy, Wobert Wuncie wolled wound? Enoch Powell at a football match, At his seat in an Ulster town. Got excited, started shouting, Up Down, up Down, up Down. Have you something for him? On the briney ocean, Over the side you lean, Heaving sea and ditto Denis, Both same shade of green. The boat docks. The quay leads WEST. Glorious Windscale, safe as houses, You will find us here within. "My complexion? Do you like my Purple, incandescent skin." The main gate is EAST. Robin gives you such a lashing, With his tongue so cruel and sharp, Bet you wish that you were dashing, Down the road to have a Harp. Welcome to Greenham, Home of the Cruise, Join with the women, The bomb to abuse. The M4 continues WEST. Walking down Whitehall in the shade, Dodging the bowler hat brigade, Meet with Fowler, what a hick, Giving the National Health some stick The cove he will not let you pass, He wants to stop and talk, It seems he needs the treatment, Before he'll let you walk. In the groundsman's hut, (Step over the lovers), Filled with tools and flags, And one of those hovers. Leon Brittan has the job, Of giving the villains what for. He's moved the Cabinet Office, To Wormwood Scrubs, block four. Fifi and Roxanne, Teach French as best they can, A playground of adventure, Is their business venture. Although a pair of blondes you see, That may not be what you get, For Fifi shows you something, That proves she's a brunette. The Bradford school of etiquette and charm, Is run by Patrick Wall, He will not do you any harm, Nor let you speak at all. I hear a helicopter to the SOUTH. Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife, I met with Nigel Lawson on his way, To lower the standard of the worker's life, And give good chaps like us a rise in pay. What do we want? Enoch needs a sovereign, The treaty is in tatters, He sends you back to London, That's what really matters. Galtieri's a fine man, The bravest of his corps, From you he needs something, To help him go to war. Tony Benn's views, Are oft in the news. But his support it was stronger, When his name was that much longer. You're getting very near the end, I hope you've not been bored, But through a hole in this locked door, I can see a board. Don't be bolshie in Red Square, When the KGB are there, Or be sure they'll make you go, To meet with Comrade Chernenko. Oh dear, you've been grabbed by the GRU. A socialist is our Francois, or so the rumour goes. He wants to keep his force de frappe, But not in with NATOs. Russia is EAST, America is WEST. In a dark and dismal cell, Beetles, spiders and that smell. Four square walls all dark and dank, A pot and a bunk which is a plank. Princess Di and little Willie, Walking in the park, Little Willie to his mummy, Said, "It's getting dark." Princess Di to little Willie, Said, "Now don't you fuss, If we cannot find the Rolls, We'll go on the bus." There's a MacDonald's to the SOUTH. The focus of attention, Is King Coal Arthur's hair, It's not so much a cover up, As a layer of lacquered air. Cyril and David were brothers, In an Alliance so rare, Vowed to be true to each other, Oh boy did they share. Dave got the jug, And Cyril ate the hare. Cyril blocks the (Northern) door, You know what he's waiting for. In Private Eye's office, That's where you is, Confronted by Ingrams, A long streak of Journalist. Confused by Hayek and Friedman, He really is a weed, man, He may be the tops, Of the monetarist pops, But he's high on the LSD creed man. In Saudi Arabia high on a bridge, Over the Wadi al Murk, Being pursued by Howe from the FO, And tall arab wielding a dirk. Prince Andrew and his chopper, Have been through many campaigns, But will he still love actress Koo, When she has varicose veins? The helicopter door is open. In a Boeing 747, Flying through the clear blue sky, Norman Tebbit is the pilot, There, there, then, don't start to cry. Down in your bolthole, Underneath the ground, Where a Russian warhead, Never will be found, Blowing up the planet, All the season round, While you hide in your bolthole, Underneath the ground. Go to the Doctor, Covered in spots. Look at this Surgery, He must have pots. "You want to see me? Don't be absurd. First you must tell me, The magic word." You leave him no choice, He must fight or run, And waving was always, The best of fun. Face to face with Reagan, Still the whiskey pours, Ronald pulls his weapon out, Gosh it's bigger than yours. He's your ally, You're the Wally. Healey and his camera, Snapping here and snapping there, Looking through his filter, Pale pink and doesn't care. When it was developed, Though the view was very fair, Was a dissapointment, Pictures all of eyebrow hair. There is a door to the SOUTH-WEST. In the woods, watch that twig, To the south I see a prig. Oh WHAT can ail thee, knight at arms, So haggard and so woe begone? Le belle Robin Day sans Merci Hath thee in a thrall! Duncane Road is NORTH-WEST. At Shepherds Bush, Near White City, No dogs tonight, What a pity. Down the road, There's the Beebee, Let's go in, And have a Freebie. The road goes WEST. The TV studio is NORTH. You've let him out, What a twit, Now you've dropped us, All in it. The flames rise higher, The smoke is black, And all because, Some sense you lack. Commuting home from London, On the Brighton Line, Now there are no railways, This cycleway is fine. Income tax inspector, Looking at your books, Cannot find a thing wrong, You employ good cooks, "Since it's unearned income, I have this to say, You must please tell me, What you'll have to pay." "Want a job? You're no fool. Firstly though, What was you're school?" I sent a letter to my love, I didn't ask to cost it, But when when I saw the price of it, I wished that I had lost it. Dustbin, Dustbin, burning bright, In the middle of the night, Now to empty it they charge, And the profits they are large. Just what can a poor man say, To get his rubbish cleared away? When all the wealth is owned, By the top one percent, And each and every pauper, Is living in a tent, What are you going to do, When you desire to eat? What are you going to put, Upon the children's feet. What do we want? A wilderness political, A future not too sound, And so you keep on walking, Around, around and around. However old a prude may be, She'll always find objections. "Cover up that naked wench. Cut that scene. Take out that French" Don't be too ungenerous though, She is the censor's friend. For no matter how old a prude may be, "Cut that last line" ... MW Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, Will he damn the horror? Will he, won't he, will he, won't he, Will he wear his collar? Who's that crying in the Park to the NORTH-WEST The shameful, misty swamps are crawling, With crocodiles, lizards, toads and snakes, Reptilian creatures now on you are calling, As into Fleet Street you your journey takes. A hundred cameras raised in expectation, What will you now do for their tittilation? A new line at MacDonald's eater, Hoping to be a new world beater, So let's have a big hand fer, The half-baked Casper Weinburger. Heseltine the rabble rouser, Got the faithful cheering, He doesn't know the rest of us, Are not so hard of hearing. He's top brass at the MoD, Or so he'd like to think, The Generals know it's all a cod, They flushed Pym down the sink. Exits are NORTH and SOUTH. Down by the Thames, Just by the shore, Look at that ear, With a glass door. The garden is NORTH. There is a road to the SOUTH-EAST. The Bank is to the EAST and to the SOUTH is the GLC's County Hall. There is a funny smell coming from the SOUTH-WEST. Beneath the spreading Christmas rose, Is where that you now stand. You came down just a bit too fast, You grazed your knee and hand. Listen, what's that funny noise? It's just a little frog. Don't you think that you had better, Save it from the dog. There is a path leading SOUTH, to the bottom of the garden. An icy blast, An icy stare, Abandon hope, Maggie's there. Sit you down, Be a peach, Listen to the, Latest speech. Maggie's den now she has gone, But don't you hang about, If she comes back and catches you, You'll get an awful clout. Exits are NORTH and WEST. Under the stairs at Number ten, A cupboard she won't use. Which means that no one comes here, Except to change a fuse. Exit is SOUTH. The streets of Soho welcome you, To partake of their wares, Food and films and dirty books, And dimly lit back stairs. Next to the stairs a sign which reads, French model, first floor left. Off to the east an office door, Which is of paint bereft. And from the north, where you're now looking, There comes the smell of Chinese cooking. A new pub opens in Plymouth, If for a pint you hanker, Run by Rogers and Owen, It's called the Clown and Rancour. A boat is about to leave port. The Alliance dreamworld beckons you from the NORTH. Here in the master bedroom, Where you play second fiddle, With wardrobe, table and double bed, And a vessel once used to put plants in. The exit is SOUTH. The bathroom is to the EAST. Coming into whitehall, Post box over there, Why do all the tourists, Have to stop and stare? The road runs NORTH and the junction SOUTH-WEST. A multi-racial queue has formed, The numbers to call out, Will it be rice or noodles, Or sweet and sour trout? The street is SOUTH, the kitchen NORTH. The Socialist Republic, If Ken can get his way, It's poor old wealthy folks like us, Who'll be the ones to pay. There's a lift waiting. A corridor before you, The lift waits just behind, South a door marked 'Supremo', Go in, he will not mind. It's the Listening Bank. A gryphon lurks inside the door, The cashier says "hello". "It's just the boss's mother in law, Who posed for the banks logo." Drip drip drop little bathroom tap, Who'll put the new washer in? Drip drip drop little bathroom tap, Diluting the bosses gin. You'd better start to serenade, While you're beneath the casement, You'll never climb back up those sheets, Or break in through the basement. Down upon the Walworth Road, The Labour Party den, If you dare to enter, You may meet Tony Benn. The road leads NORTH-EAST. There is a door to the NORTH-WEST. Simon de Montfort built it, Was it worth it? When all sane people here, Seem to curse it. A dreamy Keith Joseph wanders around in circles to the SOUTH. Denis Healey is snapping away to the WEST. ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE UNLESS THE MONETARISTIC SPIRIT CALLS ALL YOU BRAVE SOULS WHO SOCIALISM FEAR AND YET BELIEVE SOME OTHER LOAD OF BALLS In the servants' quarters, Keep them in their places. There's a box for cleaning shoes, Complete with spare laces. The streets of Soho, Welcome you to partake of their wares, Food and films and dirty books, And dimly lit back stairs. You're just by the staircase, But not such a beast, There are things more shameful, To the south and the east. The pressmen sink back in the marsh, They've got what they think you're worth. Hey look, there's Jimmy Saville, Jogging away to the North. The Archbishop of Canterbury is doing something strange to a barrel - or is it Roy Jenkins - to the EAST. This is the age of the train, And here on platform two, A 125 out of Kings Cross, Is waiting just for you. Travel on this train on your feet, But why, though I'm not huffy, Does everyone who has a seat, Travel in the buffet? What a lot of people, Standing round with nowt to do. It's like this all o'er t'North, And they're blaming you. Exits NORTH, EAST and WEST. A warm and reassuring glow, Just along the coast, There's no danger here to show, That is Windscale's boast. The Director of Windscale waves all his arms at you from the WEST. A cosy den at number 10, Safe from Maggie's eye, Where you can plan your getaway, And drink the cellar dry. Furnished with a desk and chair, A bed and wardrobe over there, A Churchill painting, a bookcase, A charming Adam fireplace. The door is NORTH, the window EAST. Up in Yorkshire, This is the pits, What's that brilliant shine, It's just the light, On Arthur's head, Reflected down the mine. Arthur threatens to make a speech to a crowd of miners to the WEST. Pass friend, Take these, You'll mend, Next please. If you don't know it, Here's what to do, You'll have to go, To the end of the queue. Just by a phone box, One of the few, Over the road there's A hullaballoo, A building is burning, They shout to you, You're a good citizen, What will you do? A green and grassy field, Neatly groomed and cut. A little hole just by your feet, And to the west a hut. The exit is NORTH-WEST. Left. Left. Left right, Halt. The Army, Navy, Airforce say, It's each others fault. The road continues WEST. There is a large, sombre building to the NORTH. Going down the M4, Heading now due West, Three ways you can choose from, Which of them is best? There is something green and hairy to the WEST.To the SOUTH- WEST is a castle and to the SOUTH is Heathrow Airport. On the tarmac at Heathrow, 747 set to go. The M4 is NORTH. We're in a big place called 'Abroad', The automatic pilot works, So you must now prepare to meet, French and Russians, Yanks and Turks. There is the sound of the Immam calling the faithful coming from the EAST. Just outside St Pauls, Looking around then, See Jimmy Saville, Jogging North again. Meet Mark, Going to Rome. Due south, Will you come? Standing on a balcony, Tourist, (Will they catch her?) Shouts out, "Who's that funny man, There with Denis Thatcher." In Paris, France, Nod nod, wink wink, Not a chance, For what you think. I see the President to the WEST. At a demo in Traff Square, I see Bruce Kent over there. The MoD is SOUTH, Bruce EAST. Y TootpbI see nothing special A monetarist dreamworld is no place to stay, Unless you have money to spend on the way. The sirens blare, The blue lights flash, You've saved the day, Now you must dash. sun DENIS IN TOWER Grab a can of paint man, Have a little dab, Maybe we can't stop Cruise But it won't be drab. No need to shout, There's no way out. Take this cheque girls, It'll be fun, When we publish, In the SUN. "He's not one of us girls, That is quite plain, So let's give him something, To make him complain." Nice canvas, pity about the paint. There's a VOLUME out of place. It's Kropotkin's memoirs. It's already open. The window is closed. sun DENIS PAYS FLYING VISIT TO GARDEN. sun HANG ON DENIS DENIS SEEN SWINGING FROM WINDOW OF NO10 I hear the sound of Maggie on the hoof, Don't make a noise, be quiet and aloof. The frog becomes a handsome pimp, With ruff and a frilly hat. He takes you gently by the arm, And leads away to his flat. It is a fairy tale. You can look, dear, But if you want to squeeze, I'm sorry dear, But first the money please. Suddenly there came a knocking, If you miss it, oh how shocking. Sobriety comes, The real world returns. Without a drink, There can be no more turns. You're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, Why can you not see, That you must remain tipsy, To play the game with me. A scream so loud, T'would wake the dead, Or Maggie from her lair, You're looking cowed, You're hand is red, There was a mousetrap there. sun LET IT ALL HANG OUT DENIS SNAPPED IN LONE NUDE SWIM ? A posh and chauffer driven car, Comes driving down the street. An armour plated head pops out, "Denis! Home! Don't bleat." sun NICE ONE DENIS DENIS POSES FOR SUN READERS OUTSIDE NO 10. It's Keith Joseph's marbles. It contains some small, hard, round objects. You've written signed and sealed it, You should know what is in it, What are you going to do with it ? You may know in a minute. From somewhere close by, Comes a fearsome sound. "Show yourself Denis, Be sure you'll be found." "Hello, hello, hello, To meet you it's a pleasure, I have something here, To help you with your leisure." Welcome in this is a treat, We have some lovely things to eat, You're just in time for us to fix, You up as number thirty-six. sun DENIS GETS RAYS STARTS NEW FASHION IN PALE BLUE RADIATION SUIT. MASS PANIC IN CENTRAL LONDON. The copper blows the whistle, You feel such a mouse. Maggie comes a running, "Get into that house." A marker at page 359, You may not care to read it, But when you're doing not so fine, It'll be there if you need it. Heseltine gives a little wink, Two MPs throw you in the clink. The bells ring out both loud and shrill, You're caught with your hand in the till. He hands you a truss and a bottle of port. "I'm pleased to lend you my support." He sees you haven't got it, You'll get it when you get home, For he has just put on you, The dreaded curse of Gnome. Keith, always dozey, he nods off, And before you can run, Dialectic necessity, Joins you in his dreamy fun. Get knotted Balls "Don't rush off now deary, Stay with us a while, We will make you weary, We will make you smile." If I were you I wouldn't wait, I'd very quickly take the bait. Down the stairs, two at a time, Fifi on your tail, Reach the door, just in time, Looking very pale. sun WHAT A GUMMY CHUMMY TOOTHLESS DENIS SUCKS UP TO PRESS. sun WHAT A GLUM CHUM ARE GOV'T POLICIES SOURING OUR DENIS? You've survived the Dreamworld, What a clever ass, Just be careful or you'll join, With the working class. You've missed it and now, The guards are on strike, If you want to go somewhere, Get on yer bike. Past Stevenage, this is t'North, Wouldn't it be a treat, To meet all of the people, On Coronation Street. What would you do, With HER hunting you? Quietly now have a care, I don't think she knows you're there. Please don't shout, but... She's gone out. sun DENIS BECOMES A RED NOT OUR FAULT SAYS WINDSCALE DIRECTOR. "Where are you going my little man, Dressed to kill? Get yourself back to the house. You won't? You will!" Camels to the left of him, Camels to the right of him, Into the Valley of Kings drove the Mark Thatcher. A drink, You ask? You need, A flask. If you're not it paying for, Get yourself outside the door. You can't go that way any more, She's put the piano by the door. "Good morning my man, Hope you are well, What will you give me? Please for to tell." sun DENIS BLACKBALLED BY HEALTH SERVICE CHIEF A quick sweep with the polish, Has made his face go red, And what about that black look? I think there's enough said. Good egg, hip hooray, In the cell now he must stay. He's better equipped than you. The peasants are revolting, You are in a stew, If you had to live like them, You'd be revolting too. Tony wanted your support, And that he didn't get, He boldly shouts out NATIONALISE, And you become a wet. Tony's pleased, he is a wag, He offers you a big white flag. He lost his support at Bristol. Get 'em off Hey you, get off the green, Don't you cause a fuss, If you want to play on a golf course, You'll have to dress daft like us. If you can't talk, You'll have to walk. "You've found us a new employee, Someone we can trust, Here, please take this sovereign, Have a reward you must. Welcome in, With one accord, We will put you, On the board. A little piece of paper, Wrapped up in the silk, * Says, "Packed by the CPU, For Norman and that ilk." * 'Chute Packer's Union A balding welshman with red hair sun DENIS TAKES THE AIR LOSES NERVE ON 747. I can't, Robin's wearing it. Nastypoo and stinker, Foe fum fie, We don't want anyone, Who wears that colour tie. You didn't really hurt him, He really doesn't care, He simply floats back to the Earth, On a column of hot air. Woy gladly takes the port, He likes a port and lemon, Now he has the port, And Runcie is the lemon. sun DENIS IN CHURCH BOOZE SCANDAL. Kinnock, Kinnock The Arab is grateful, He's friends with you now, The one who's cut up, Is Sir Geoffrey Howe. sun DENIS LOSES HAND AT BRIDGE sun DENIS GETS CAT sun DENIS DRAGGED OFF BY GUARDIE NOBILI Bless you my son, Be on your way, Unless you're celibate, Then you can stay. Who's chasing who? What we want we may not get, But you do not know it yet. How do YOU get money out? Do what Tebbit says Lets be fair, We're not louses, Someone must pay, For the Workhouses. They need a trim Where they take it, If they do, What they want's, The same name too. sun DENIS IN SEINE He's ready for turning, His ears are burning. Just to prove he has a soul, Arthur gives you a lump of coal. He will not let you flit, Until you've bought it. He needs his dinner Paisley cries, "Popery!" Foams at the mouth, A speech unintelligible, Streams from his mouth. He doesn't really need it, He's decibels to spare, But still he is quite flattered, To have a matching pair. sun DENIS TAKEN FOR TRAMP IN WOODS. He's such a boring little snack, He needs the relish that you lack. END OF WORL D He flies you back to Downing Street, He's on the other Team, Maggie shuts you in your room, Then goes to let off steam. "Aha I see you've brought, A little lamb to slaughter. Sit him on the left, Near that jug of water. He's not a starboard man He gets it once a fortnight Mary vanishes to the right, A small blue film if left in sight, I see General Galtieri to the EAST. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, Calls for Maggie, you weren't wary. It says:- THE GRAVEDIGGERS ARMS It's for you, To find the c lue. !  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