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G}JB|,#P#DE 1 HI BDEHHII 1 B 1 ,^ 1 70,0La- B V,#PH},^ 1 70 0L#L!-* 1P* 1 y0Yj383}mm ݭI}}`8}``|* ? ɛ,`|:-)| / 1L!`DESTINATION CANT BE DOJ}S.SYS0 0H{ 24Δ 28/L!/) 2 Π 2 0 ξK}hAΞB,0 J 1 BDEHI,HÝDE 1HIHIDELSAVE-GIVE L}FILE,START,END(,INIT,RUN)O S0 1`BDEPHI V` S0H 1 L!M}0 0 1L~0`PLEASE TYPE 1 LETTER,0`hhL! 70 1L0L<1 ,;ɛ7,"ɛ:ݦ1ݥN}A"D|ݤD|ȩ:|ȩ|ɛ,,(/+.ީ1 1,ɛ`轤{NAMEO} TOO LONG B VL!` L1I H1EΝDL1|mDiE` V0`8d/8 i:222 1 LP}!ERROR- 138ɛ+,' 20*.. өr2 1``2TOO MANY DIGITSINVALID HEXAQ}DECIMAL PARAMETER800 0 8 00`,0'D800 H,ɛh`2L1NEED D1 THRU D8uR} ECIMAL PARAMETER800 0 8 00`,0'D800 H,ɛh`2L1NEED D1 THRU D8u7abhorrently myopicdismally substandardoffensively shortquite devoid of simple motor coordinationterminally ineptchroniT}cally pinheadedtotally lacking in oral hygiene9hideously poor posturesimian knucklesa grossly inadequate musculaturespiU}ndly legsno chinonly one eyebrowknobby kneesa balding pateall the panache of a catatonic slug9carry enormous burdensrV}ecord efficiency ratingsclassify flora and faunatake atmosphere samplesplay checkerscoo placatinglyprovide translationsW}administer prudent warningsconceptualize 5th dimensional quantum mechanics8read poetryneedlepointremove splintersappraiX}se finger paintingsperform emergency appendectomiessculpt little animals in silly puttyburn toastwatch you for signs of sY}entient lifesperform emergency appendectomiessculpt little animals in silly puttyburn toastwatch you for signs of s18HacklebatHasselbladHobblefootHoppelfopHumblenodHappysapHalflingfatHortleforkHalfintactHostilefraudHocklefrockHu [}fflebadHoddleflopHalfafezHardofheadHottentotHamaneggsHockyersox10Oh, all right.As you wish.Whatever you say.If I m \}ust.I suppose ... just this once.You're the boss.I live to serve.So it shall be written, so it shall be done.I hear and ]}obey.Well, I guess if there's nothing on my social calendar ...11Uh, uh.Forget it.No can do.Ixnay.No way.Not a chance ^}.You can't make me.Get outta town.Oh, no you don't.Don't even think about it.Try very hard to be serious, hmm? _}e me.Get outta town.Oh, no you don't.Don't even think about it.Try very hard to be serious, hmm? 3Iggy: [AX22 Wimps hide; companion droids do not!Iggy: Craven! Coward! There isn't room for both of us and I was here firsta}.Iggy: Hide, Master [AX20? Crawl away like spineless worms? Bury ourselves in garbage like maggots? Slink into the shadows lb}ike weasels? Good plan. There's nowhere to hide, but I like the sentiment.3Iggy: You couldn't follow a conversation withoutc} a road map and I don't follow silly orders.Iggy: [AX22 You couldn't follow a train of thought in a Pullman car.Iggy: I dond}'t follow anything but Days of Our Lives ... and lop-eared little megalomaniacs.4Iggy: %#$!@)'&#"%Iggy: Oh, this is intolee}rable! Imagine how I feel, having abuse heaped upon me by someone who can barely manage to move his lips in sync? I won't putf} up with it!Iggy: I can't imagine what prompted that little outburst. How could you say that to me, the only one who ever sag}w past your short, bland exterior to your dumpy, lackluster interior?Iggy: Well! Rudeness is never a substitute for lobal fuh}nction! exterior to your dumpy, lackluster interior?Iggy: Well! Rudeness is never a substitute for lobal fu3Iggy: [AX22 I find the very idea of ingestion disgusting. And you have the table manners of a trash compacter. Count me outj}, hmm?Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. I even [AX13. I do NOT masticate!Iggy: Junkfood! Surely you aren't suggesting k}that I join you in this little gastronomic misadventure?3Iggy: Will you hold your head still! How do you expect me to keep l}my footing? And when are you going to do something about that bald spot? I could slip to my death! Oh, let's just forget it!m}Iggy: If you took the time to read your owner's manual you'd see that gravity repulsors are only included in Special Options n}Package "E".Iggy: The fact that I [AX13 isn't good enough for you anymore? Now you want me to levitate?3Iggy: Off-hand I'do} say you're already as low as you can go.Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. I [AX13. I do NOT excavate bomb shelters.Igp}gy: We've been going downhill since you wrecked the Andromeda Doria. Enough is enough!2Iggy: Believe it or not, Master [AX2q}0, they make tools for the express purpose of opening tins.Iggy: Be reasonable, Master. I [AX12. I [AX13. I'm everything a gr}ood companion droid is supposed to be. But I draw the line at electric can-opener.s}d to be. But I draw the line at electric can-opener.15Iggy: Is this your idea of a good time? It figures. You're [AX10 and you have [AX11.Iggy: Are you nuts? What am I saying?u} This is the semi-humanoid who destroyed a perfectly good space ship with 40 million light years left on its warranty.Iggy: v}Doesn't it bother you that you're the only being in the quadrant who takes 45 minutes deciding whether to bite the round or tw}he flat end of his toast first?Iggy: Always eager to comply, Master. You know that. No matter how trivial the demand may seex}m. No matter how foolish. No matter how ridiculous, infantile, untutored, depraved or demented.Iggy: Are you still here? Youy}'re always skulking along behind me.Iggy: What are you whining about now?Iggy: Do you lie awake at night dreaming up these z}twisted little schemes?Iggy: Is there no end to your megalomaniac little demands?Iggy: You again? What is it this time? You{}'re already 4 weeks ahead on your allowance.Iggy: He walks. He talks. He's as close to real life as modern science can make |}him.Iggy: Waagh! Don't ever sneak up on me like that again.Iggy: You surprise me. I didn't know you could form syllables.I}}ggy: When I told you not to talk with your mouth full, I didn't mean for you to empty your entire head.Iggy: Very good, Mast~}er [AX20. I see your vocabulary is improving.Iggy: Oh this is great! It was bad enough when you couldn't walk and talk. Now }you can't talk and think.s improving.Iggy: Oh this is great! It was bad enough when you couldn't walk and talk. Now !3Iggy: [AX22 I'm not the type of droid who gossips.Iggy: I didn't spend 2 years in a linguistics programmer so I could spoo}nfeed regurgitated verbage to intellectual infants.Iggy: Why me? Did your tongue get lonely up there all by itself and leave}?3Iggy: Didn't destroying the Andromeda Doria teach you anything? Don't play with things until you've read the instructions}! This planet's been through enough.[AX60 There. I used it. I used it again. Happy? Can we get on with this now?Iggy: I rea}lize it's an unprecedented concept, Master. But why don't you try using your head instead? No, you're probably right. The str}ain might break it.7Iggy: Orders! Orders! Always orders. Never a simple request. Oh, no.Iggy: Well, you could at least try} to be a little more polite!Iggy: What's the magic word?Iggy: I'm a companion droid, not a serf droid. I'm sensitive. I'm s}elf-motivated. Orders are an affront to my dignity.Iggy: I don't wish to appear truculent, but I would appreciate a slight r}ewording of that officious little edict.Iggy: Would you mind rephrasing that as a request? This whole master/servant busines}s is so tawdry.Iggy: Yes Master. I am but a humble droid after all. Of course I'll jump to satisfy your every whim. What nee}d have I of common courtesy?er. I am but a humble droid after all. Of course I'll jump to satisfy your every whim. What nee } }  $2# #$#! ## 22$#2 ! "$ 2"22!22$} $2# #$#! ## 22$#2 ! 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[0 [EV30)} A A8@T,"@P$8@a,"$8@P,"@P$8@f,")}$8@`,"$6-@$8@Y,"$6-@$DROP MODULE%"@)}6.[AX41% A %"@6.[AX42% A 6 + @(,)+8,!,,6.[TK416 A B68)},-8,568@d,-8@d,&@B6.[TK40  ? A 6- A 367B:,%@,..?6- S4) }+"@0,)++"@1,*+8@i,"@1,,I68@p,-@S A &+"@1,*+8,"@1,;68@U) },-@1T67@,. [0 [EV20i8@u,"@~68@u,-68@h,-8@h,%@ j"@5) }/68@d,-8@d,%@O68@g,-8@g,&@`67@,. j A#p y=+"@),*++8@c,"@) },*+8@g,!,,R68@g,-o67@<@,. y A#p "@BA#P g"@@) }(67@,. [0 [EVC2=68@@,-@PR8@p,"@g68@p,-@ _&+"@4,*+8,"@5)},?67@,. [0 [EV70I A"VU"_ A# _&+"@2,*+8,"@5,?67@,. [0 [EV83I )}A"RU"_ A# _&+"@3,*+8,"@5,?67@,. [0 [EV90I A"PU"_ A#)} T&+"@3,*+8,"@6,?67@,. [0 [EV90T68@S,-@3 d&+"@4,*+8,"@2,?6)}7@,. [0 [EV70I A"pO"d68@Q,-@4 F&+"@(,*+8,"@&,F68@h,-8@h,%@)}" 7"@-67B:,%@,. [0 [EV827 A$ A. F8@G,"8,<67@,. The kitten)} [EV50F A#`0 E8@H,"8,;67@,. The crabs [EV50E A#`2 G8@I,"8,=67@,)}. The amoebae [EV50G A#`4 D8@,"8,:67@,. The drog [EV50D A#`6 A8 $"@B)}$68@B,-@P: AB B68@5,-@P-8@g,!B68@5,-D S8@G,"8)},467@,. [0 [EV52I68@e,-@S AF &67@,. [0 [EV51& A#RL y68@P,-@4D)}+8@f,"@,*+8@,"@,Y68@,-y68@h,-8@h,%@N $P b68@T,-@2)}-8@,"@B68@,-b68@h,-8@h,%@R $T b68@R,-@3-8@y,"@)}B68@y,-b68@h,-8@h,%@V $_ IN MODULE` " B:,6.[PR40" Ab = Ap'+)} @,)+!@$,36.[GO62= Ad !@!6-&@f 0%@"8,&6.[GO300 Ah +)}8,8,!6.[LK11+ Aj  @A$l 08%@7,"&6.[OP100 An 68%@)},-%@p E/+8,"@&,*+8@(,",;6.[EV71E Ar 68,-%@t G6.[GO606)}-@% A16-@<(@G(@x -8,"@1-68@,-@Pz -8,"@2-6)}8@,-@2 d/+8,"@5,*+8@v,"@,D68@v,-d68@h,-8@h,%@ # )}A$P6-@# A P -8@e,"-68@G,-@ o8@e,"@068@G,-8,E6) }8@e,-Z8,"@o68@p,-@ $ OUT MODULE .8, @1$6.[GO63. A)!} 8, @3A% 9#88,%@#,"/6.[OP109 A N6-8,&@0NA%)"}A%A%A%"A%$A%( E#88@,<,"@;68,-8@,E A%0 a8@)#},"@-68,-@3B68@p,-@W68@q,-a A%2 6.[GO21 A  U68)$},-@&-8@8,"K6.[GO61 [0 [EV91 [0 [EV63U A A%2 L8@,"@6-68,-@6)%}B68@",-@6L A%2 A68@p,--68,-@17 A!dA A%2 =68,-8@ )&},368@#,-8@ ,= A%2 .8@p,!@$6.[EVH4. A 768,-@-68@$,-@)'}7 A%2 768,-@3-68@",-@37 A%2 -8,"@&-68@p,-@ G6.[GO6)(}16-@% A16-@<(@G(@ "8, @1" A! # A$P6-@# A P))}' INVENTORY MODULE( &6.[AX81  A &6-* T-@(@I&8,"0 A&J67B:,%@)*},. the T A , / "/67B:,%@,.nothing. #67B:,%@,..# A0 46-%@!)+}@467B:,%@,., 2 $; SCORE MODULE< $6.[AX71  A&"$ A> @#67B:,%@,.=:8@h,,),}@67B:,%@,.% after @ E#67B:,%@,.=:8@r,,B67B:,%@,. commands.E$ OPEN MODULE 3+ @)-},)+!@0,)6.[OP203 A ++!@,*+ @",+6-%@  @0A' c8@i,"@).}1$6.[OP11968@i,-@PY68@d,-8@d,%@c A 6.[OP22 A 08%@4,")/}@&6.[OP220 A <&+"@),*+8@7,!,26.[AX53< A &68%@4,-@&6.[OP1)0}1 2"@((67@,. [0 [EV612 A "@%A'( "@&A'4 "@'A'@ $)1}"@)$68@5,- A ;8@Q,"@P167@,. [0 [EV60; A M8@,"@)2}-68@,-M68@h,-8@h,%@ ;67@,. [0 [EV80168@f,-@; A R/+8@)3}P,"@P,)+8@f,",H67@,. [0 [EV60R A v67@,. [0 [EV80H+8@T,"@2,*+)4}8@a,"@,a67@,. [0 [EVA2v68@p,-@ A  H6- A"P%">67@)5},. [0 [EV60H A f67@,. [0 [EVB018@,"@F68@,-f68@h,-8@h,%@)6} 18@R,"@P167@,. [0 [EVB2 68@X,"@667B:,%@,. [0 [EVB3 "68@p,-@)7}" A  CLOSE MODULE 3+ @,)+!@0,)6.[OP213 A ++!@,*+ @",+6-%@)8}  @0A'` c8@1,"$6.[OP12968@i,-@1Y68@d,-8@d,&@c A )9}6.[OP21 A 08%@4,"&6.[OP230 A %"@)6.[OP21% A &68%@4,):}-&6.[OP12 ..+"@#,*+8@ ,"@,A' ..+"@#,*+8@ ,"@,A' I&+"@();},*+8,"@&,?67@,. [0 [EV63I A ?&+"@%,*+8@Q,"@4,?67@,. [0 [EV81)<} `=+"@&,*++8@P,"@4,*+8@f,"@,,V67@,. [0 [EV81` A' T&+"@',*+8@p,!)=}@,?67@,. [0 [EVB1T68@p,- A B68@ ,-@-8@#,"@B68@#,-)>}@ A B68@ ,-@-8@#,"@B68@#,-@ A 77+8@T,"@P,)?})+8@a,",A ;67@,. [0 [EVB1168@p,-; A SAVE MODULE *(@})@}6-@*6.[AX70 = A(P(@3(@ Iggy: Saving.= A(  b8@r,!A868@r,-8@)A}r,&AX68@s,-8@s,%@b A( ((@@@ ]-@(6-)B}8<,5*@9 P6-8@<@,]*@ ;-@ 6-8,-*@1 ; A))C} =@36.[0 Iggy: Poor choice of disks.= A(" ;6-@ A$(@/(@;6-@$ TT()D}@CIggy: Insert your Formatted save disk in Drive 1 and press Return.& @@@(@"Iggy: Positions cu)E}rrently on disk:( 0&@@D:DA*0 A(`* C@"6-A:7@,,/(@C@)F}A(X, @. n A(b(@C(@Iggy: Which position shall IQ6. save? ]"@n6. rest)G}ore? 0 %(@%(@1 to 5?2 _(@'(@ Havilfad: 4@=6-P:,_+ @,)+!@)H},A(b4 #6.D:DA 67@,.=:,#$S ..RESTORE MODULE T *(@}6-@*)I}6.[AX80V > A(P(@4(@Iggy: Loading.> A)"^ ((@@@` ]-)J}@$)@568<,-9 F)@]68@<@,-b 1-@$)@-68,-)K}1 d N@968@r,-8@r,%8@s,$AN68@s,-f T(@T(@8Iggy: Insert th)L}e Story disk in Drive 1 and press Return.h ?@(@}+6-@5 B? Aj F@<6.')M}[0 Iggy: That position isn't available.F A) ))START k#@@E:)N}5AR@G@eY@@kA 9A @'AAX9AA)O}X m;A,;A,;@,;@P,;@,9@0<@,9@,9@%<@,67@)P},.D:6-@6-@ j%(@Escape from DispozonC(@By K.J. Sherrattj(@(c)1988, Antic)Q} Publishing 6.[ST10 A%6-@0(@;(@b(@ * * *m(@x()R}@@@D:BAR V-@@0+-@8)@C68<,-G K V@)S} n&@@D:PAR:-@N-@%[@f68<,-j n  @)T}:(@Iggy: Do you wish to restore ab(@saved position? Yes or no?m(@(@ Havilfad:  ))U}@ A0P)(@} S7@,4y=6."Iggy: My, my, aren't we impatient?I6-@S A) /)V}6.[ST20 A00%6.[ST40/ A00 b6.[ST606-@% A0(@;(@b(@ )W} * * * # A066.D:DA0# A) b6-@ A%6-@0(@;(@b(@ )X} ΠҠ "@(@}"$ G@G(@+Iggy: Insert Program disk and press Retu)Y}rn. @ A0& A0"D:DCODEInsert Program disk and press Retu([3Iggy: Look, Master! This isn't a glass thing. It's an old bottle. Oh dear, there's something happening in the water. I can -[}see little eye stalks rising up. Crabs, Master, ... thousands of tiny crabs, scuttling onto the shore.Iggy: Just as I suspec-\}ted. I don't have a glass thing in my receptacle; I've got a bottle. Have you noticed the crabs? They seem to be everywhere, -]}with more crawling up onto the shore by the second. They're looking at me! Do something!Iggy: No wait ... strike that. I've -^}just taken a bottle, a filthy slimy muddy old bottle. How enchanting. What's even more enchanting are the hordes of crabs who-_}'ve taken up residence on the shore.5Iggy: What are you doing, Master [AX20? Need I remind you that dying can seriously aff-`}ect your efficiency rating?Iggy: Stop that this instant! Don't you dare die and leave me all alone in this celestial armpit!-a} Have some consideration!Iggy: Oh, there he goes again. As soon as the going gets tough old [AX20 starts snuffing it. I've b-b}een in worse spots than this, and you don't see me dying all over the place. Get hold of yourself! Show some backbone!Iggy: -c}Master [AX20, are you aware that your life-readings have dropped off the scale? I'm not an expert on sub-standard physiology,-d} but I can only conclude that you are attempting to disfunction yourself in some manner.Iggy: You'll simply have to speak up-e} if you expect me to hear you, Master [AX20. Why are you making those horrid little burbling sounds? And why are your eyes bu-f}lging out? It's extremely rude!r [AX20. Why are you making those horrid little burbling sounds? And why are your eyes bu,$2Iggy: Look at that. The cork landed right in the hole. It's a pretty good fit, too.Iggy: You know Master, this cork might 1q}B%DOS SYSB*)DUP SYSBSAX1 BZAX2 B `AX3 B iAX5 B tAX6 B AX9 BBAR BDA0 BDCODE B ZEV1 B gEV2 B }EV3 B EV4 B GO1 B GO2 B GO3 BGO4 BGO6 B LK1 B LK2 B LK3 B LK4 B LK5 BLK6 B LK7 B +LKF B7LP1 B ELP2 BQOP1 B`PAR B gPR1 B qPR2 B zPR3 B PR4 BPR5 BST1 BST2 BST3 BST4 BST5 BST6 BST7 BST8  TK1 TK2  TK3 TK4 be just the thing for plugging that hole. There. Good as new.6Iggy: Thank goodness. For a while there you wouldn't respond 1r}to stimuli. You didn't digest, ingest, excrete, respire or locomote. You weren't persuing homeostasis and you absolutely refu1s}sed to evolve. I had to carry you here.Iggy: Ah, Master [AX20. I performed an emergency brain bypass and brought you to safe1t}ty, but frankly, I think your chances of being anything but roughage are quite slim. Nod your cauliflower, there's a good boy1u}.Iggy: Don't you EVER die on me again! I don't like it here any more than you do. Where are your manners? I had to drag you 1v}here. Do you have any idea how much that flaccid little body of yours weighs?Iggy: Oh, so we're finally coming around. You p1w}icked a fine time to die and leave me all alone. It's your fault we're in this mess in the first place. Wipe your nose. Stop 1x}dribbling! I hate it when you dribble.Iggy: Well! I had to carry you here all by myself. Would you help? No. You dragged you1y}r feet the whole way. I ask you to do a simple thing like hold the pacemaker while I glue it in and who doesn't even bother t1z}o answer?Iggy: Welcome back, Master [AX20. When I saw that you were dying anyway, I found a rabid gerbil and switched your b1{}rains. I hope the upgrade is agreeable. The gerbil's considerably upset, of course.1|}le. The gerbil's considerably upset, of course.0$2Iggy: I can't believe it! First you decimated the Andromeda Doria. Then you trashed the lifepod. And now you're sinking the5~} jacuzzi! How could you forget about the hole? Straining water through that addled pate of yours won't solve anything!Iggy: 5}We're filling up with water! I told you there was a hole in the jacuzzi but you wouldn't listen! We're going to drown like ra5}ts. Oh, how ignominious. I hope no one's watching. Would you stop drowning for one minute and listen to me?3Iggy: The crabs5} have cut us off! We'll die here! Oh, it's all right for you. You're [AX10 and you have [AX11. All in all, I'd say you were f5}ortunate to end your life as an entree for these mobile sea-food buffets. But what about me?Iggy: The horrid little shellfis5}h have surrounded us. They're getting closer! Do something! Stop drooling. Do something else.Iggy: Crabs everywhere. They're5} all around us, scuttling and sidling towards us. I wonder why crabs always sidle? Have you noticed that? Take the one eating5} your shoes for instance. Look at it sidle. Fascinating.2Iggy: That's funny. I'm getting a reading from the lifepod you rui5}ned. It must be floating right beside us. Good thing its high-altitude swan dive ended in the water and not a nice soft bed o5}f trash like ours did.Iggy: Guess what, Master. That lifepod you murdered has come back to haunt you. I'm getting a reading 5}from the water right beside us. The signal's pretty weak. Its door must be open or I wouldn't be receiving it at all.5}signal's pretty weak. Its door must be open or I wouldn't be receiving it at all.4$2Iggy: The ugly little brutes are taking the bottle away. They're swarming all over me, leaving crab droppings on my finish!9} Stop whining! So they're eating you? Big deal. It'll take me forever to polish out these scratches.Iggy: I knew you couldn'9}t be trusted to get us out of this. The crabs are attacking. They're hauling your precious bottle back to the water. Don't st9}and there with crabs hanging off your nose. Say something.2Iggy: Yes! The crabs have taken the bottle and left us alone. I 9}think I'm going to miss them. They're cleaner than you. Please, Master, you don't have to keep thanking me. Acts of heroic ge9}nius are all in a day's work.Iggy: The crabs are chittering quietly to themselves. They seem to be having some sort of confe9}rence. It worked! The crabs are scuttling away with the bottle. No need to thank me. Saving lives IS my life.3Iggy: Sensors9} reveal the presence of a Galactic Ordinance Warning Buoy. Hmm. A Class 7 Restricted Zone. The manual says it's inimical to a9}ll motile entities. No exceptions. Area of zero-contact. No exceptions.Iggy: According to my sensors, Master, we're approach9}ing the warning buoy of a Class 7 Restricted Zone. Something to do with horrendously lethal lifeforms ... or total annihilati9}on ... something like that.Iggy: I'm getting a signal from a warning buoy. No big deal. Those pencil necks in Galactic Ordin9}ance plop these buoys down everywhere. If the area's so restricted, why don't they make any provisions for prosecuting trespa9}ssers?e. If the area's so restricted, why don't they make any provisions for prosecuting trespa8$10Barnacles and bilge rats!Avast there, me hearties!Ware the boom! Man the port guns!Carve out 'is liver an' tie 'im to t=}he main!Hard into the Nor' wester!Break out the hardtack and rum!Eye to the topgallant, Bosun!Blast me eyes, you lubbers!=}Sheet down the mizzen.Hard by the reef points, you scurvies!11Iggy: You may precede me.Iggy: I suppose it beats standing=} around here.Iggy: Oh, very well. But let's be done with this pointless walking about once and for all.Iggy: Looking for th=}e little boys' room, are we?Iggy: What and leave all this? Let's get going!Iggy: Suits me. It wasn't my idea to come here i=}n the first place.Iggy: Coin came up heads again? Off we go.Iggy: Do you really need the humiliation of picking the wrong d=}irection again? Oh, all right, I'm coming.Iggy: I don't know. In this poor light even someone with twice your eyesight and 4=} times your brains could get lost. A debauched gerbil might make it. Let's get it over with.Iggy: You know, even ostriches h=}ave the good sense to stay put when they can't see a thing. Let's go.Iggy: Of course, on to certain doom in the ochre smog o=}f Dispozon. Horrible creatures... deadly fumes... what will get us first?=}... deadly fumes... what will get us first?<4Iggy: Careen headlong into a filthy heap of detritus on some infantile whim of yours? It's okay for you ... your appearanceA} is obviously unworth preserving. I've got my finish to think of. Imagine the dents.Iggy: Why go to all the trouble of crashA}ing through a wall of debris? You're short enough to walk under it. You see? I am programmed to make clever retorts as well aA}s astute observations, while you, alas, are merely short.Iggy: You'll have to go on without me, Master [AX20. I'm afraid I lA}eft my mountaineering gear back on Sirius 12. Besides, I hate it when you sweat.Iggy: It's fortunate that at least one of usA} has the good sense not to attempt a frontal assault on a million ton wall of trash.4Iggy: Even I find it difficult to walkA} on water at times. Metal has a higher density than water. Casings rust. Circuits short out. Droids become paperweights. If IA} weren't so trusting, I might believe you meant to harm me.Iggy: Wait, let me guess. "I'd gladly accompany you, Iggy, but soA}meone has to tell the lifeguards where you went down." Am I close?Iggy: Excellent solution. "Oh dear, we are lost. Quickly, A}drown yourself, Iggy."Iggy: It's all clear to me now. I'm the only one who knows that you obliterated the Andromeda Doria. IA} alone saw you destroy the lifepod. Only I can attest to your gross inability to effect an escape. So you want to drown me. IA}s that it?d. Only I can attest to your gross inability to effect an escape. So you want to drown me. I@!3Iggy: Believe me, Master [AX20. We're already as far in as we're likely to get.[AX60 We're already in!Iggy: Master [AX20,E} one of the basic characteristics of sentient life is an awareness of environment. That is out. This is in. Next week we'll lE}earn about reverse peristalsis.3Iggy: I've never been one to argue; you know that. But don't you think it's just a bit cramE}ped in here for cardinal directions?Iggy: If I knew where it was I'd go there in a minute. Anywhere beats this place. But myE} compass isn't working ... nothing serious. I am, after all, perfect.[AX60 I can't tell north from south in here.3Iggy: ReE}ally! I can [AX12, and even [AX13. But I refuse to lower myself to the status of outboard motor!Iggy: Yes, I see your plan nE}ow. We'll hook ourselves to a passing garbage scow, get towed to the nearest civilized port, hop a trans-galactic to SetticoE}n IV and beg the mad emperor for his fastest ship! Simple, but elegant.Iggy: This jacuzzi is so much like the Andromeda DoriE}a, now alas, utterly decimated by persons unnamed. It's got a big hole in it, just like the Doria. And neither of them has a E}source of propulsion. Although, the Doria used to.E}, the Doria used to.D5Iggy: Aye, aye, Cap'n. Cast off those lines! Arr, this shoehorn be a sorry substitute for a rower's regret! [GO10 We're saiI}ling blind, Cap'n!Iggy: This shoehorn makes a rather good paddle, Master [AX20. We're floating out to sea. I only wish we coI}uld see where we're going.Iggy: I really wish you'd stop beating out that annoying rhythm on the sides. I'm paddling as fastI} as I can.Iggy: I'm using this shoehorn to paddle us over the sewage. The smell out here is horrendous. And I can't see wherI}e we're going.Iggy: [GO10 Yon shoehorn be a fine paddle Cap'n. We be headin' out to sea, but not to see, if you take my meanI}ing. Aharr!4[AX60 Even if I felt like going in that direction, which I don't, there's too much trash in the way.Iggy: RealI}ly, Master [AX20. This is a jacuzzi, not an All-Terrain Vehicle.Iggy: Always doing things the hard way! Just for a change ofI} pace, why don't we pick a direction with fewer obstructions?Iggy: Come now. You expect me to portage this overgrown canoe aI}cross 600 feet of treacherous, oil-spattered garbage? How long have you known me, Master [AX20?6Iggy: [GO10 Be ye tryin' toI} scuttle the ship, Cap'n? Did you not hear the surf breakin' off that wall?Iggy: Belay that order! [GO10 You'll have us up fI}or wrack and ruin on the reefs! There be a wall out there! I can smell it.Iggy: Arrr, Cap'n, there be a bluff has us boxed iI}n. I'd give me one good eye for stiff sou'easter!Iggy: Hard astern! Hear it, Cap'n? A wall off the larboard bow. [GO10 We'd I}be staved in and dragged under afore we got near her.Iggy: We struck a wall, Cap'n Ahabilfad. There be no passage that way! I}[GO10Iggy: I realize you're too short to see over the side, but doesn't that bumping, grinding, smashing noise suggest that I}there's a wall of trash in that direction? I}H-4[AX60 In you go.Iggy: [AX21 Watch you don't bump your head on the way in. Goodness knows you've little enough grey matter M}as it is.Iggy: Fine. You go in first and have a look around. All right, I'm coming. Stop whining; I hate it when you whine.M}Iggy: It's against my better judgement, Master, but okay. If it'll keep you quiet, let's go in.4Iggy: [AX21 I was just gettM}ing used to this place. Out we go.[AX60 All right. Let's get out of here.Iggy: Women and droids first! Oh, all right. I supM}pose you can come out here too, but you'll have to wear this dress.Iggy: You want to go out? We just got in! Really! I wish M}you'd make up your mind. Out you go.4Iggy: The only thing I'm going into is a deep depression.Iggy: You're like a homelessM} snail, Master [AX20. Could we please try to curb this neurotic urge to crawl into things.Iggy: Not on your life! It's all rM}ight for you to squirm into every filthy nook and cranny that comes along; you're [AX10 and you have [AX11. But I've got my rM}eputation to uphold.Iggy: But Master [AX20, you're already insipid, inept, insufferable, intolerable, incogitant, inarticulaM}te, inefficacious, indolent, inane, inappreciative, incoherent, and invertebrate. Isn't that enough?3Iggy: I've been tryinM}g to get out of this one-sided partnership since we met. And look where it's gotten me!Iggy: If you really want out, I'll glM}adly assist you. I've been programmed to help in any endeavor. That's just the kind of droid I am. Now then, all we need is aM} short length of high-voltage line and an ordinary bucket of water.Iggy: Of course you want out. Look at you! You're [AX10 aM}nd you have [AX11. No one in their right mind would carry that kind of stigma around for as long as you have.M}ind would carry that kind of stigma around for as long as you have.L*11Iggy: Look at this. Look at that. Just like a kid at Disneyland.Iggy: Can I stand the excitement?Iggy: Really, Master. YQ}our entertainment threshold has dropped considerably since Lost in Space was taken off the air.Iggy: I would be greatly surpQ}rised if there were anything worth seeing in this celestial bed pan.Iggy: See Rome and die.Iggy: Oh, I get it. When in doubQ}t, stall.Iggy: Searching for our intellectual peers are we, Master?Iggy: That's what I love about following you: excitementQ}, adventure, non-stop action!Iggy: I'm looking. I'm looking.Iggy: We are not window shopping!Iggy: What do I look like, a Q}tour guide?8Iggy: I can [AX12 and [AX13. But I am not a manufacturing facility. If it isn't here, it isn't here.Iggy: Do yQ}ou see anything like that around here?Iggy: Tell me, is there any history of chronic hallucination in your family?Iggy: I'mQ} only equipped to deal with objects in this space-time continuum. I can, however, recommend an excellent neurosurgeon.Iggy: Q}Oh, I get it. Just because I can't see that doesn't mean it's not here. Afterall, I only have 6 high-input sensory arrays feeQ}ding two independent processing units. But you have two myopic little eyes feeding one insatiable vacuum.Iggy: Master, couldQ} we try to limit our depravities to those objects one can actually see.Iggy: Trust me. There's nothing like that around hereQ}.Iggy: I've looked everywhere, Master [AX20, and there's no sign of anything like that. Although I did come across a short aQ}nd hapless sub-humanoid.er [AX20, and there's no sign of anything like that. Although I did come across a short aP$2Iggy: [AX21 I see an incredibly handsome droid. He seems to be standing near some kind of lower lifeform.Iggy: Beautiful!U} You see the way the light reflects off my fusion welds. And the subtle elegance of my flexi-joints. I could look at myselfU} all day. Did you know that I can [AX13? That's right. Brains and beauty, both.2Iggy: [AX21 I see a lop-eared, little cretiU}n standing near a brilliant companion droid who was obviously designed for better companions.Iggy: Let's see. You're [AX10 aU}nd you have [AX11. All told, you're lucky that Home Lobotomy Kit worked as well as it did.2Iggy: Trash everywhere ... a palU}l of sooty smog ... the cloying effluvium of rancid comestibles. You've been reading that cookbook again, haven't you?Iggy: U}Greasy detritus covers the ground in all directions: over-ripe squash, empty tuna cans and broken bottles. It looks a great dU}eal like your bunk on the Andromeda Doria.U}e Andromeda Doria.T10Iggy: There's trash all around us. And choking smog.Iggy: We're surrounded by trash and deadly smog.Iggy: More trash, moY}re noxious smog.Iggy: Is there no end to this trash?Iggy: This trash smells.Iggy: We're in the middle of a planet fill sitY}e.Iggy: This is Dispozon at it's best.Iggy: There's a pall of ochre smog surrounding us.Iggy: It's difficult to see DispozY}on's charm in this smog.Iggy: I don't know how much longer we can withstand this smog.2Iggy: Interesting, aren't they? I cY}an't say what kind of creature made the wet little tracks, but they seem to be covering every inch of the trash around us.IgY}gy: From the looks of those tracks, it appears that something, or rather, a horde of somethings, has recently swarmed up fromY} the water.2Iggy: The chitinous little monsters are crowding around us. I don't like them, Master [AX20. Make the bad crabsY} go away.Iggy: There are hundreds of crabs, snapping their little crab pincers, ogling us with their little crab eyes. You dY}on't suppose they're hungry, do you?2[LK10 It's a wrench. It wrenches things.Iggy: Object wrench. Searching data banks. WrY}ench manufactured by Wrechco Inc. Carborundum magnesiate sheathing. Anti-polar rotation. Obsolete design. [0 [PR30Y}nc. Carborundum magnesiate sheathing. Anti-polar rotation. Obsolete design. [0 [PR30X2[LK10 The shoehorn is about three feet long - even too big for your duckboats. It looks like it was made for the Giant Shlu]}rrs of Orrin Seven.Iggy: The huge shoehorn must have been quite fashionable at one time, with silver filigree and brass tips]}. Now, of course, it's covered in toe jam and fermented carrots.2Iggy: The trash wall is four stories high and weighs 9 mil]}lion tons. Whatever ill-advised plan is fermenting in that sordid little brain of yours had best not include me.Iggy: Let's ]}see. Metallic compounds 40 percent, organic matter 36 percent, dirty magazines 9 percent, assorted castoffs and some lovely m]}ildewed guacamole.3Iggy: That smog is nasty. Nitrogen 40%, carbon dioxide 35%, oxygen 10%, sulpheric compounds 9%, various ]}hydrocarbons, trace methane. I told you not to smoke those cheap cigars! Now look what they've done to your growth!Iggy: The^} smog is a rather striking shade of ochre. It smells like rotting cabbage and it's slowly eating the lining out of your esoph^}agus. Can I have your monogrammed toothbrush when you go?Iggy: Stop looking at the smog and get us out of it! It's peeling m^}y finish. If we don't get off this planet soon we're both pot scrubbers.^}this planet soon we're both pot scrubbers.\2Iggy: Really, Master [AX20, the glass thing is hardly the Hope Diamond. It's dirty and slimy and half-buried in mud on the b}shore.Iggy: Ooooh, a shiny glass thing! We just have to get a closer look. Don't worry, I'll wade right out into the muck fob}r you. It doesn't matter if I get slime in my vertical delineators. Not with a shiny glass thing at stake.2Iggy: It's a tinb}, Master [AX20. It's made of tin; it smells like tin; it makes little tinny sounds when you ping it! It's also [LK10 The tinb} is some type of antique food storage medium, rusty and blotched with mildew. The tin is 2[LK10 It's a filthy old bottle wib }th a kind of gellid brown ooze inside. There's some stained gold lettering on the outside. Let's see. "Dr. McGruder's Hair Reb }storer and Carapace Polish, Pat. Pending" In the bottle I see [AX60 Bottles is bottles. This one is old and muddy and slimy.b } Who is Pat Pending, anyway? In Pat's bottle I can see 2Iggy: The water is quite the most disgusting assemblage of slime anb }d untreated industrial wastes that it's been my misfortune to encounter. Unless you count that visit with your relatives.Iggb }y: Composition of liquid waste: petro-chemicals 54%; radioactive sludge 17%; assorted laundry additives 12%; Dilobian hair tb}onic, indeterminate concentrations. [0 [PR30b}s. [0 [PR30`!2[LK10 The drain hole is far too small for your flaccid little body to squirm into, so forget it right now. In the hole I caf}n see Iggy: The hole looks like a hole, Master [AX20. Just as wrecked spaceships look like wrecked spaceships, and short cref}tins with one eyebrow look like short cretins with one eyebrow. In this particular hole is 2Iggy: The jacuzzi is beautifullf}y constructed of burgundy ceramalite with classic, brass fittings. It's stylish grace is accented by a clever sprinkling of pf}uce mildew. Subtle elegance for those who can afford it. It's sitting on the shore.Iggy: Why would anyone throw away a perfef}ctly good jacuzzi like this. Unless it was the mold, or the soap scum, or the reek of petro-chemicals, or the nameless, squirf}ming infestations. Right now it's resting in shallow water.5Iggy: The jacuzzi is a little cramped for two, but quite servicf}eable. It helps when you're too short to see over the side.Iggy: This jacuzzi is a vessel more suited for your command than f}the Andromeda Doria was. You can't hit asteroids with it, and there aren't any working parts for you to wantonly destroy.Iggf}y: Wonderful choice of resting sites, this jacuzzi! Mildew, a horrible stench, and you're too short to reach the top without f}help. Although the same might be said of your shoes.Iggy: Ah, yes, in the jacuzzi at last. It's abundantly clear that you ref}quire degreasing. But tell me, isn't it customary to draw the bath first?Iggy: The sides of the jacuzzi are too high to see f}over, but the view in here more than makes up for it. Mold, slime ... who could ask for more.f}kes up for it. Mold, slime ... who could ask for more.d'2[LK10 The cork is surprisingly cork-like in appearance.Iggy: How very unusual. A synthetic rubber cork made of real synthej}tic rubber.2Iggy: Unless I miss my guess, we're looking at the Giant Red Herring of Orrin IV. This particular specimen has j }seen better days. It's half-rotted and more than half-buried in that heap of trash to the east.[LK10 The herring is red, andj!} huge: at least ten feet long, although most of it is buried under a ton of garbage to the east.2Iggy: The lifepod looks juj"}st the way you left it: utterly ruined. You've excelled yourself, Master [AX20. There are dents in the airfoil, the heat shiej#}lds are burned up, the shell is crumpled and all the external couplings are broken.Iggy: I don't think Mr. Lifepod is as hapj$}py to see you, as you are to see him. Your rather abrupt landing didn't agree with him. The only thing left in one piece is tj%}he hatch.3Iggy: The pod's internal lights seem to be working. But everything else is a fused mass of siliform plastic. It'sj&} nothing more than a burnt out shell. Now we'll have to find another way off this planet.Iggy: Look at the mess you've made j'}of this pod. Go on, look at it! You can't tell a Primary Capacitor from a Stabilizer Influx Delineator. Everything's burned. j(}I hope you've lined up alternative transportation.Iggy: The interior of the lifepod is a scorched ruin. Everything's melted j)}into the floor. I told you not to let your insurance premiums lapse! This thing will never fly again! How are we going to leaj*}ve the planet now?t your insurance premiums lapse! This thing will never fly again! How are we going to leah$2Iggy: It's just a slip-seal interlock deportment flange from a series 17 lock-back graviton transducer. Probably only worthn,} a couple of credits.[LK10 Yep. It's a flange all right.2Iggy: [AX21 I'm not an expert on domestic engineering duties, butn-} off-hand I'd say this plunger was designed to unstop plugged drains.[AX60 Hm. Pearl handle, genuine rubber cap. Obviously an.} higher grade of plunger, Master.2Iggy: And what a meatball! Still covered in the dried residue of a savory tomato sauce, rn/}eplete with oregano, garlic, basil and onion. Here, let me wipe off the maggots so you can get a closer look.[LK10 This is an0} planet-fill site, not an Italian restaurant. Who cares what the meatball looks like?2Iggy: What a find! The coupon gives yn1}ou 4 credits off the price of a Grommian sling-stacker when you buy 2 at the regular price!Iggy: I've been looking everywhern2}e for a coupon like this! Grommian sling-stackers at four credits off! I know a domestic droid who'll trade six blundorker con3}upons for just one of these!2Iggy: It's a pan, Master. You must have seen pans before. This tiny one is used in the ancientn4} Pendagian art of cadsilapsi, "to be exquisitely cooking one's own nostril hairs in oil".Iggy: [AX21 It's a tiny little fryin5}ng pan from one of those fancy Pendagian restaurants. I never cared for them myself. They put too much food in the oil. And tn6}he prices!ndagian restaurants. I never cared for them myself. They put too much food in the oil. And tl!5Iggy: Don't mention it.Iggy: Somewhat less than eloquent, but I'm not one to split hairs. You're welcome.Iggy: Oh, no, itr8}'s me who should thank you for the opportunity to serve your every whim.Iggy: No need to thank me. Following orders is my lir9}fe. Obedience is my only reward.Iggy: Well, it's about time!10Iggy: After all I've done for you, is that all you're going r:}to say?Iggy: This from a sub-humanoid who owes me his life? Whatever happened to common courtesy? Whatever happened to the sr;}ocial graces?Iggy: All I ever wanted to do is be helpful. Even to lop-eared cretins like you. And what thanks do I get?Iggyr<}: That's gratitude! And after I single-handedly saved your miserable life! Oh why didn't I stay on Regulon III? They put boorr=}s to death there.Iggy: Oh, so this is the thanks I get. Why do I waste my talents on you? Why do I waste my expertise, my wir>}sdom, my incredible foresight?Iggy: Is it too much to hope for a little recognition now and then? I follow every order; I obr?}ey every command, no matter how twisted, no matter how inane, no matter how ill-advised, infantile, reckless, or mindless.Igr@}gy: Goodness knows I try to be a useful servant. I wipe the dribble off your chin; I listen to your constant babble; I save yrA}our life. Must I suffer the scourge of your atrocious manners as well?Iggy: No, no. Please, you've thanked me enough alreadyrB}. It's only your life I saved. After all, what are my huge sacrifices compared to your happiness?Iggy: I'm not the kind of drC}roid who needs constant acknowledgement.Iggy: I don't ask for much. A kind word here, a thoughtful gesture there.rD}.Iggy: I don't ask for much. A kind word here, a thoughtful gesture there.p'4Iggy: All right, all right. I forgive you. Stand up and stop grovelling all over my ambulators.Iggy: Well, I suppose I couvF}ld let it go, just this once. I must be getting soft. I never used to be so lenient. What would my programmers say?Iggy: I avG}ccept your apology. I have been programmed for truly magnanimous gestures. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.IggyvH}: Get some backbone, you sorry, snivelling little toadie. You gave in too easily! I was just getting warmed up. Are there no vI}challenges left?9Iggy: I only listen to my master. You remember him: short, dumpy-looking ... apologetic.Iggy: Oh, cruel avJ}nd unrepentant Master [AX20. Oh, poor and ill-used Iggy.Iggy:Iggy: Am I a stone? Have I no feelings? If you cut me, do I novK}t exude?Iggy: Unloved, and hurt by the only sub-humanoid who mattered to him, the little droid quietly flung himself into thvL}e abyss of despair. Where's that deck of cards?Iggy: No, no. Save your contrition. Don't worry about my feelings. You just gvM}o on as though nothing happened. I'll get by somehow.Iggy: You don't care if I live or die! If I dropped at your feet you'd vN}walk on me!Iggy: After what you said to me? HA!! Rule number 617, Companion Droid's Handbook: "Never forgive. Never forget."vO}Iggy: Iggy, Companion Droid, Serial number I6G-Series E.vP}ial number I6G-Series E.t!3Iggy: Personally, I prefer not to use myself as a battering ram, but your lack of stature suggests that you have no such rezR}servations. Be my guest. Call me if you make it.Iggy: Might I suggest opening the entrance first, Master [AX20. I know it's zS}mundane, but other adventurers swear by it. And they have all their teeth.Iggy: Please, Master [AX20! How many times must wezT} go over this? Open things are for walking through; closed things are for bludgeoning out one's atrophied little brains on. IzU}f you'd only listened sooner ...6Iggy: I'd be glad to open it, Master [AX20. Hmm. It appears to be stuck. Perhaps if we usezV}d a blunt instrument ... and wedged it in like this. Oh stop whining! It's not like you had a use for that head of yours! ThezW}re, got it!Iggy: [AX21 There, are you satisfied now? It's open. See how that works? It's closed again. Now it's open. ClosedzX}. Open. Amazing what modern science can do, isn't it?Iggy: [AX21 It's open.Iggy: And to think I spent 4 years in a quantum zY}mechanics lab for this. Sigh, okay, Master [AX20, it's open.Iggy: Opening as instructed. Command complete. Command complete.zZ} [0 [PR30[AX60 All right, I've opened it.5[AX60 There. It's closed.Iggy: Of course. Closing things is only one of my manyz[} talents. I can also [AX12 and [AX13. Am I not a versatile and indispensible servant? A paragon of modesty and servitude?Iggz\}y: [AX21 There, I closed it. Can we get on with this little travesty? Hmm? Can we?Iggy: Affirmative. Closing as ordered. Actz]}ion complete. Action complete. [0 [PR30Iggy: If I close it, you're just going to tell me to open it again. Oh, very well, itz^}'s closed ... but only for the moment, I'm sure.z_} sure.x* 1 7 13 25 49 73 85 103 115 ~a} 127 127 139 151 151 163 175 205 211 ~b} 217 265 289 301 301 307 307 313 1 ~c} 13 43 91 103 103 115 127 163 169 ~d}175 181 187 199 199 205 241 241 241 ~e} 289 313 313 319 337 337 343~f} 313 319 337 337 343|10Iggy: Non-sequiter. Non-sequiter. [0 [PR30Iggy: Processing error. Verb indecipherable. [0 [PR30Iggy: Request denied! Nexh}t case.Iggy: You think that's exciting? The Chameleon People of The Rim go to clearance sales disguised as pillar five.Iggyi}: And you call yourself an adventurer! In the Atropin System they suck bristle-cones through soda straws. Now that's adventurj}e! That's guts. That's pain!Iggy: You're always interrupting my contemplations. I wouldn't mind so much if you had somethingk} to say. But this, this endless prattle ...Iggy: I am a companion droid. I [AX12. And yes, on occasion I have been known tol} [AX13. But even a companion droid must maintain some decorum.Iggy: Master [AX20, puuh-leeze! If you wish me to do somethingm}, say so in a universally recognized language. I'm not a mindreader, and in your case, I don't have the time for light fiction}n.Iggy: [AX22 I don't do things like that. One doesn't live this long on good looks alone.Iggy: I should never have insisteo}d that you think ahead. Your rudimentary nervous system has obviously overloaded.p}r rudimentary nervous system has obviously overloaded.9Iggy: Language assimilation variance. [0 [PR30Iggy: Non-executable directive. [0 [PR30Iggy: I'm not that kind of Droid.Ir}ggy: What's that, Master [AX20? Your impression of human speech?Iggy: That's for babies. In the rainforests of Jonga, adult s}males tie themselves to sleeping dragon cats. Nice planet, Jonga. You'd like it. Contented dragon cats ... friendly women.Igt}gy: [AX22 I've gone 200 years without experiencing that particular thrill. I see no reason to start now.Iggy: Sissy stuff. Mu}y old master, Enzo, used to perform the Humanoid Cannonball act without a helmet. And he was still smarter than you ... and tv}aller.Iggy: Master [AX20, if you're looking for a break from the ordinary, I know something rather entertaining that you canw} do with whipped cream and a pocket watch.Iggy: [AX22 You've already done enough to this planet without thinking up new deptx}hs of depravity in which to mire yourself.y} to mire yourself.13Iggy: I spent 200 years training myself not to speak like that ... fighting and clawing my way up from the silicon gutter {}of BASIC Programming ... and you, YOU blow it all on a stupid whim.Iggy: Like it, Master? That's one of the first languages |}I learned at the Droid Academy. I can also [AX12 and [AX13. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.Iggy: All right. I}}'m a machine. I've learned to admit that now. I take therapy, you know.Iggy: Oh, oh. My sophisticated veneer is slipping.Ig~}gy: So I sound like an insta-teller? I'm a droid. What do you want I should do, recite Shakespeare maybe?Iggy: Oooo, I hate }it when I talk like that.Iggy: Listen to that! They warned me at the clinic not to hook myself up with sub-humanoids. My old} habits are showing through already. You've ruined me! And I thought I was cured.Iggy: All right, you know I'm a machine. I }would have told you eventually. Does this mean the engagement's off?Iggy: Okay, so I missed a few Human Relations and Commun}ications classes. Big deal.Iggy: I think my silicon is showing.Iggy: Would you listen to that! I'm devolving into a lower f}orm! My memory will shrink, I'll lose the ability to self-motivate ... they'll use me to dice carrots!Iggy: That's the last }straw! Now the smog's affected my speech ingrains. I'll be a wreck if we don't get off this planet soon. And look at that! My} finish is peeling! Why does it always happen to me?Iggy: It's tough keeping up the stereotype.}ys happen to me?Iggy: It's tough keeping up the stereotype.$9Iggy: Object required. Object required. [0 [PR30Iggy: Command incomplete. Command incomplete. [0 [PR30Iggy: Sentence stru}cture error. Object not found. [0 [PR30Iggy: Master [AX20, in the immediate vicinity alone there are any number of objects u}pon which one might perform the act you describe. Do you think you could narrow down the field somewhat?Iggy: It is customar}y, Master [AX20, to supply an object with that type of verb, a subtle nicety of language I hardly expect you to appreciate.I}ggy: You'll have to be just a little more specific if you expect me to rush off on your ill-advised errands.Iggy: When you r}egain full use of your left hemisphere, I'll consider letting you use intransitive verbs. But for now, please try to include }some manner of object.Iggy: You've forgotten again! Simple sentence structure: verb, object! I'll overlook it this time beca}use I know you're not in full possession of your faculties. I only hope I never meet the other six owners.Iggy: I've learned} to overlook your inability to generate rational decisions. But must you spew them out half-finished?} to generate rational decisions. But must you spew them out half-finished?5Iggy: 20 questions? Great. You're a vegetable, right?Iggy: Well, at least you have sense enough to realize that you know a}bsolutely nothing.Iggy: Your entire life is a question, screaming for an answer.Iggy: It amazes me how so many questions ca}n fit in so small a space.Iggy: Yet another question. You're living proof that nature abhors a vacuum.4Iggy: I see your li}ps moving, but nothing's coming out.Iggy: Practising our mime, are we?Iggy: Are we taking our little nappy-poo?Iggy: Unspe}akable danger to all sides and old [AX20 nods off.}o all sides and old [AX20 nods off.1[0 Starring "IGGY" as the devoted and long-suffering companion droid. [0 [0 [0 [0 [ST111(also starring you as Havilfad.)}0 Starring "IGGY" as the devoted and long-suffering companion droid. [0 [0 [0 [0 [ST111(also starring you as Havilfad.)3Iggy's Log: [0 10957.68 [0 The trouble began when Master Hoggleplop took up origami. Oh, the little paper ducks were cute e}nough, but he used the star charts to make them. The Andromeda Doria has been lost for months. [ST30Iggy's Log: [0 10957.68 }[0 The Andromeda Doria was probably a fine starship once, but my master, Horkenfork, has been piloting her in circles for mon}ths. He won't admit it, but he's not only very short, he's very lost. [ST30Iggy's Log: [0 10957.68 [0 The Andromeda Doria is} hopelessly lost. Perhaps the coffee stains on the Nav Console are to blame. Or the fact that Master Halftrack is too short t}o reach the Nav Console in the first place. Who can say? [ST30}nsole in the first place. Who can say? [ST303We're now in orbit about an unknown planet, and, even as I record this, a large mass of interstellar debris is impending on} our bow. Given his low intelligence, it's unlikely that my master will notice it in time to prevent a collision.Having achi}eved orbit around some nameless planet in the Cassidine Cluster, we now face the possibility of impact with a huge asteroid. }It's almost certain that my master's piloting skill will make that impact a reality.We have an unknown planet off our stern,} and only 15 seconds to impact with a large asteroid off our bow. Hardly enough time for an evolutionary infant like Master H}ipplepop to avert a disaster. Three seconds ... two ... }a disaster. Three seconds ... two ... 3Iggy's Log: [0 10957.71 [0 With characteristic brilliance, Master Hortenfort surrendered our aft maneuvering engine to the }asteroid. Accordingly, we abandoned the Doria and began our descent to the unknown planet in a lifepod. [ST50Iggy's Log: [0 }10957.71 [0 Master Hobblefrog is quite an emotional specimen. Screaming, gasping, clawing at the lifepod hatch. I got him ins}ide before he peeled off all the paint; we abandoned the Doria and commenced planetfall. [ST50Iggy's Log: [0 10957.71 [0 "I }told you so." is such shallow vindication. No, with the Doria in ruins about me, I quietly peeled my master off the ceiling a}nd jammed him into the lifepod for the short trip to the planet below. [ST50} the lifepod for the short trip to the planet below. [ST503Things were progressing nicely when Master Huddlebad suddenly came to, began yanking at the controls and gibbering things l}ike "Look out for that!". I managed to restrain him, but the damage was done. The planet is hurtling towards us.As Master Hu}ddlebad hasn't the mind for high-speed maneuvering, I decided to conduct the pod's descent. He disagreed. I disfunctioned him}. He fell on the controls. And now, because of him, we're going to crash ... again.Everything was going well; planetfall in }two minutes; Master Hufflebad propped safely against the hatch. I only took my eyes off him for a second. Then he was whining} and jamming the controls. Now we have 3 seconds to impact.}ontrols. Now we have 3 seconds to impact.3Iggy's Log: [0 10957.76 [0 Faced with certain doom I took the only course of action available. Unfortunately, Master Hoggle}bog snagged my arm as he plummeted through the hatch. We fell one way and the pod the other. [ST70Iggy's Log: [0 10957.76 [0} While our pod burned in the atmosphere, a brilliant plan was fermenting in Master Hordenforp's brain. At the last moment he }ejected us from the pod to crash harmlessly at 500 kilometers per hour. [ST70Iggy's Log: [0 10957.76 [0 But Master Humblenod} was far from through. It wasn't enough that he put the pod into a power dive. No, he had to pass out again. And this time on} the eject button. It wasn't a pleasant landing. [ST70 } It wasn't a pleasant landing. [ST70 3Now we're lying face-down in a heap of rancid trash. This can only be Dispozon, a planet where the litter of the galaxy is }left to rot. And we've become just two more bits of forgotten refuse. [ST80The noxious smoggy atmosphere, the smell, they ca}n only mean one thing: we're marooned on Dispozon, the planet-fill site. Untold tons of garbage cover the rotting landscape. }[ST80Reeking mounds of trash stretch away before me. I've identified the planet, but it gives me no consolation. Dispozon, t}he junkyard of the galaxy. A twisted cry echoes through the smog. [ST80}the galaxy. A twisted cry echoes through the smog. [ST803Soon, this corrosive smog will deactivate both of us. We've got to escape Dispozon before then.We must find a way to leave} Dispozon before this poisonous smog finishes what my master started.The clock is ticking. We must leave the deadly atmosphe}re of Dispozon soon, or remain here forever.}pozon soon, or remain here forever. 3Iggy: I'll grant you, I'm a very likeable droid. But don't you think carrying myself around in my pocket is just a little n}arcissistic?Iggy: I can take myself any time. The difficulty here is figuring out how to take you.Iggy: While an amusing pa}stime, perhaps, self aquisition is hardly a solution to our current dilemma, Master [AX20.7Iggy: [AX22 I'm a companion droi}d, not a freighter!Iggy: [AX22 You've no idea where that's been.Iggy: If you'll read your owner's manual carefully, you'll }see that warehousing things like that will void my warranty.Iggy: Be reasonable, Master [AX20. Even if I did manage to put t}hat in my receptacle, what would you DO with it? You've already bought your Christmas presents.Iggy: [AX22 I refuse to clutt}er up my dorsal receptacle with things like that! It's simply not dignified.Iggy: This obsessive trash collecting has simply} got to stop! I am not about to turn myself into a garbage truck for your amusement!Iggy: Quick lesson in supply and demand.} While that may seem a valuable commodity in your fevered little mind, this planet is testimony that an entire galaxy is doin}g its best to divest itself of objects very much like it.} objects very much like it.2Iggy: I'll carry dirty oil filters and bent nails, but if you think for one minute that I'm going to soil my dorsal recepta}cle with the stuff that's hanging all over you ...Iggy: You're not my type. I wouldn't pick you up if you were the last girl} at the dance! By the way, can you Samba?10Iggy: Am I a garbage truck? My manipulatory extensors were designed with the sub}tlety of a surgeon's hands. You've no idea the kind of havoc this sort of sordid manual labor plays with them. Fine! I've got} the Iggy: Oh, wonderful. I can see the headlines now - "Hampster Droid Chokes Cramming Cheeks While Master Packrat Looks On}". In goes the Iggy: Is this your idea of a perk? Allowing me to stagger home with as much garbage as I can carry? My recept}acle now holds the smelly Iggy: Garbage picker. Oh, you're absolutely right! What collection would be complete without the p}riceless Iggy: Okay, but if I blow a servo picking this up, you're the one who's going to pay for the service call. There. S}atisfied? I've taken the Iggy: They're going to hear about this at my next Droid Rights Meeting. My receptacle now holds the} filthy Iggy: Look, if you want souvenirs of our trip, why not just buy a postcard like everyone else. All right, I suppose }I could pick up the Iggy: In an alternate universe, your double is filling his cupboards with swizzle sticks. In goes the I}ggy: We're fighting for our lives, not browsing through a department store. [AX21 My dorsal receptacle now contains the Iggy}: What is this, a yard sale? Yes, do let's pick up the lovely, lovely }t's pick up the lovely, lovely '4Iggy: It isn't enough I have to pick up every stray bit of shiny trash that catches your myopic little eyes? Now you want m}e to pick up things I already have?Iggy: If you bothered to remember all the trash you have me picking up, you'd remember th}at I've already carried that particularly noisome piece of it far longer than I care to remember! Remember?Iggy: As always, }Master [AX20, I'm way ahead of you. I already picked that up some time ago. I am Iggy. I am perfect. Shake hands with me.Igg}y: Inventory tabulations seem to reveal the presence of said object in dorsal storage already.4Iggy: Oh, this is monstrous!} Loaded down like a common transport droid. The ignominity of it all! The lack of hygiene! The smell! I won't stand for it. W}e'll see who gets the last laugh here.Iggy: Don't worry about me, Master. I'll just struggle along with a burden far too lar}ge for a companion droid to bear. No, no. Don't give it a thought.Iggy: It's odd how slippery everything gets when you're ov}erloaded like this. Don't you think so, Master [AX20?Iggy: Lucky for you I'm so agreeable. Other droids might complain. Othe}r droids might refuse to carry loads like this. Other droids might accidentally drop things.} loads like this. Other droids might accidentally drop things.9Iggy: Finally! I knew you'd come to your senses sooner or later and discard the Iggy: Well, it's about time! Do you have a}ny idea how heavy those things are? Crash goes the Iggy: There now. My dorsal receptacle is much lighter without the pondero}us Iggy: If you didn't want it, why did you have me pick it up in the first place? Really, Master [AX20! Out goes the Iggy:} Certainly, Master [AX20. I'm not designed to be a pack animal after all. If you had a highly sophisticated neutron dissemble}r, would you use it to stir your coffee? I'll gladly drop the Iggy: Ejecting flotsam as ordered. Watch your head, Master [AX}20. It comes out of there pretty fast. And ... out flies the Iggy: [AX21 But are you sure you can bear to part with it? I me}an, what's an adventure without the Iggy: You work your whole life amassing possessions and there's a filthy mendicant at ev}ery corner looking for easy handouts. All right. If it'll get you off my back, I'll lose the Iggy: Thank goodness. I didn't }know what to do with the awful 6Iggy: I'm sorry, the item you requested is temporarily out of stock. Would you care to make} another selection from our beautiful fully- illustrated catalogue?Iggy: I thought you were carrying that.Iggy: It doesn't }seem to be in my dorsal receptacle, and believe me, I'd know if there were something like that in there.Iggy: Your parts req}uisition has been turned down ... company-wide shortage ... wish I could help, but my hands are tied, sorry.Iggy: I'm not ca}rrying that. Did you try Lost and Found? First floor, mezzanine.Iggy: I don't have that. Are you sure you didn't forget it s}omeplace? We haven't got the best of memories, now have we?}ies, now have we?*