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Probably some pesky practical joker from the advertising department, she thought. )q}B'DOS SYSB*+DUP SYSBUAUTORUN SYSB(WC1A2 CMPB,C3A4 CMPBC5 CMPB+C6 CMPBC7 CMPB CAROL BASB>(CAROL PICBfCAROL TXTB4/CAROL XXXB>cGATE ANIBQUES CMP The rasping voice of her employer, Mr. Neezer Screwg, grated against the nape of her sc)r}rawny neck. "Those blood-sucking leeches are never to enter thes)s}e premises again! I should've locked the elevator!" "I'm sorry, sir. I t)t}hought...the holidays...the spirit of giving all around us..." )u} Mr. Screwg sneered from the top of his head to the tip of his toes, a very long sneer. "Holidays, balon)v}ey! Holidays are created by a conspiracy of the laboring class to create corporate havoc, destroy profits, and )w} personally bedevil me! Nervis, did you finish the tax report?" "Just now, sir." And she handed the )x}fat folder to him. The sticky tape on the mistletoe clung to the packet, much to the horror of Ms. Nervis. )y} Mr. Screwg sneered at the bit of green. "Wasn')z}t necessary to gift wrap them, Nervis." "Yes, sir. I mean...let me wish you...." Ms. Nervi){}s grabbed her ragg- ed old coat and left. Screwg worked another)|} several hours on his accounts, fretting over chang- ing tax laws, the presumption of exploitative employees, and t)}}he inherent evil of sentiment in general. "Chanukah, Christmas, crap!" Then he turned off his adding machine and )~}went home. Screwg sensed something amiss the )} minute he put his key in the lock. The heavy door swung open, nearly pulling his arm from its socket, and slam)}med itself shut behind him. And before he could disarm the computer- ized alarm system, it went off with a great cla)}nging of bells and a truncat- ed chorus of Handel. By the time he reported the false alarm, he was very upset. )} He made his martini extra dry and sipped it as he cur)}sed the world of signal the completion of the oven's efforts, it played "Rudolph the Red- Nose Reindeer" as render)}ed by the Chipmunks. "The entire electrical system has gone kaflooey!" Still, the dinner was hot, and he carrie)}d it up to his bedroom. He turned on the television to )} catch the latest stock analysis. It was pre-empted for an animated Christmas special. He punched the )} remote button through all 37 channels to no avail - nothing but holiday programs. Even the nudies on the porn)}o station were singing carols. "Blast! Well, they won't cut 'The Choi)}ce is Yours'; try that and they'll have the wrath of the nation on them." )} He was right. Soon the game show, which he never missed, flashed onto the screen. During)} this nightly ritual, Neezer Screwg forgot the vagaries of the marketplace, the criminal labor unions, t)}he damn Dow Jones average, even the blasted IRS. "Welcome to 'The Choice is)} Yours' - the show that lets YOU ask the questions!" Bill Bellow's enthusiasm never failed to stimulate the root)}s of Screwg's cynicism. He cursed the announcer soundly, every night. "That's right! Call the greedy to )} the trough! Call them up to make asses of themselves for a few measly dollars!" )} "Tonight, folks, we have a special treat in store for you. We have three mystery w)}itnesses, each vying for the grand prize; and what a prize it is! On this night of nights, we are privileged to )}draw our guests from... the BEYOND! Yes, indeedy! Ghosts! Now, after you've met each of our other-worldly guest)}s, we'll ask YOU, the audience, to question tonight's contestant and then choose one of the three gates behind our g)}uests: one gold, one silver and one pearly! through the gate to meet his or her fate." )} "They've gone bonkers," thought Screwg. "Stupid gimmick. How the)} great ignorant public can stomach this crap..." )} Suddenly the screen went black. Then, before Neezer could reach for his remote, blood-red letters screamed grap)}hically across it... "SCREWG!" )} The letters leapt off the screen and covered the walls. Screwg heard the announcer scre)}am his name, "Neezer Screwg, come on down!" )} "Nonsense! I never submitted my name. I'll sue! I'll..." )} "And now let's meet our first mystery guest! Ready, audience?" ...(Screams)... "Ready, out )}there in television land?" ...(More screams)... And Neezer realized that one of the screams was his. )} He controlled himself. "Bunk. Must have been too much monosodium )} glutamate in that TV dinner." But before he had time to analyze the )}ingredients, the smell of cats and garbage crept under the bed clothes. "Phew! What is that?" he snarled. )} "Jes' me and the cockroaches, dearie!" )} He pinched his nose shut against the odor and peered into the corner. An old woman, seate)}d on the TV set surrounded by stacks of plastic shopp- ing bags, grinned at him toothlessly: "What'd you expect, a Pl)}ayboy bunny?" "What do you want?" )} "It ain't what I want. I'm here to show you somethin'. Stuff. Old stuff. It's amazin' what people t)}hrow away. But I guess it's true that one person's garbage is another's treasure, as they say. I've got stuff )} here that you tossed out a long time ago. You ready?" W)}ithout another word, the woman picked up one of the bags and scattered the contents into the air. A shawl, a )}bit of lace, a tiny cup and spoon. Suddenly the room was another place, a shabby room with windows rattling from )}the passing trains. "I recognize this place. It's the rooming house where)} Nell and I lived when we first married. A hell-hole and rat-trap. Why, there's my wife. Young )}and pretty. And she's rocking...the baby. Woman, why torture me with this sight?" )} "Your kid, Neezer Screwg?" "Yes. He died. We were poor.")} "Not so poor you couldn't have paid the heating bill..." )} "The gas company over-charged." ")}Not so poor you couldn't buy him decent food." "Over-)}eating's a learned response." "And when your wife took the cash from the cookie jar to buy some clothes for th)}e kid, you threw her across the room..." "Needed that mon)}ey for investments! Spirit, make this scene go away! Put it back in your bag, I beg you." )} The old woman sighed, gathered the items, and the painful scene faded. )} "Investments. Preparin' for your kid's future, were you? Only there weren't no future for him. Nor fo)}r her. Oh, later you gave her everything - house, clothes, money - to make up for things, to ease her )} pain. But it didn't help. She died soon after the baby. Where I come from, that's called guilt givin' and it d)}on't cut the mustard. Well, my time is up. I'd better be gettin' back to the land of discarded dreams." )} And before Screwg could think twice, she disappeared - bags of trash, garbage)} can, odor and all. Realizing he was still pinching his nose shut, he released it and breathed in the normal dank )}air of his room. Steam seemed to be rising from the television set, and he t)}hought he heard Bellow announce "Guest Witness Number Two!" Screwg forced his eyes ope)}n against his better judgement and peered into the darkness. Huge amplifiers, their yawning mouths gaping and spewing )} forth day-glow decibels, emitted pain. And wired to them, a leather-clad youth, his magenta and yellow hair )} screeching several yards into the electric air around mad eyes, gyrated violently and tortured a huge, rhine- ston)}e-studded guitar. "Turn it off! Turn it off!" )} "Awright, but you ain' cool, man." The youth l)}owered the volume with a twist of his clenched fist in the air, and Screwg tentatively removed his fingers from his ea)}rs. "Listen up. I got a number of gigs to do tonight, and I don)}' wanna drag it out around this dump. So I'm gonna take you on a little trip. Time and tide gonna rip away for you, )}my man. in' goin' far, but it's gonna be a real trip." )} The youth lifted Screwg with one hand and set him on the back of the guitar, then mounted the yoke himself. )} In a gasp they were flying out the window and high over the city. ")}Flyin' is the only way to go, man. Relax. And screw your baby-blues down there." He pointed at an old dark building )}set in the middle of a maze of shining steel towers. "I see it. )} It's the Screwg Founda- tion. I donated that building as an orphanage twenty years ago. The mayor salivated his chops)} for the property. He gave me the key to the city for it. I don't know why I ever gave it away. What I had in mind was a)} temporary refuge for a few well-behaved Oliver Twist types. But what has happened? They've turned it into a slum)} for every kind of low-life imaginable: unwed mothers, drug addicts, welfare families, madmen, musicians. )} It seemed a charitable thing to do at the time. The firm was doing well..." )} "Don't gimme no crap, man! I can't hear no crap!" ")}Well, there was a tax advantage. And it got a certain amount of civic attention. Construction was most profitabl)}e in those days. It provided an opportunity for diversification. There's always room for growth, for improvement, p)}rogress. The corporate world is challenging, dangerous..." The youth ripped)} his calloused fingers across the strings so that the instrument they rode shook violently. "Man, you want danger)}? Look and see what the word means!" Screwg obeyed in terror. )}He stared into the shadowy streets below. A drunken woman pushed another into the gutter, cursing. An angry teenage)}r pulled a knife and threatened an old man. A little boy sucked hungrily on a joint and giggled as a cripple )} stumbled on the curb. And one man shot another in the face and walked away, polishing his pistol on his leat)}her jacket. "No more, spirit! Let me see no more of t)}his wretched place! I can bear the sight no longer!" With an acoustical explosion, the youth blew awa)}y, and Screwg found himself back in his own bed, his ears still ringing. The clock struck three...or was it f)}our or five or fifteen? Damn that dinner! But somehow he knew i)}t wasn't the dinner. He stared at the TV and waited. He felt it before he saw it - a raw cold wind in his bones,)} a dampness on his skin, a prickling of his scalp. When the spirit came into view, it somehow comforted him - a)} ghostly film of shadow and light, the way ghosts were supposed to look. It was silent as it gestured for him to )} follow. "Lead me, spirit. My senses are numb and I find comfort in you." )} Neezer rose and floated off the floor, through the window and upwards into the )}empty night air. He saw no stars in the sky and soon knew that where he was was not the sky. It was not a place fo)}r stars. He looked down "Spirit, help me!" He thought the words, but no sound came. All was silence and dark em)}ptiness. And he was afraid. For he knew that he was very close to what he was inside - dark and empty. )} But something, perhaps his fear, made him try to call out agai)}n. "Spirit, give me something! Something to care about, something to feel, something to hold!" )} There was no answer, no movement, no sound. Screwg was left hanging in )} the dark void as the announcer's voice bellowed in his ears. A)}nd now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for you to question our guest and determine which gate of fate will open for Neeze)}r Screwg. Choose one question from each of our three game boards, and no help from our studio audience, plea)}se. Mr. Screwg will be scored on the basis of his answers. A score of 50 or more and he'll go through the Pearly )}Gate. A score of 30 to 49 and he'll go through the silver Gate. Less than 30 and he'll go through the Golden Ga)}te. Now, select your question from the first board by pressing key #l, 2 or 3. )} Labor day, of course. Except nobo)}dy seems to understand that everybody should WORK on Labor Day. Might as well call it Lazy Bum Day. )} I hate all holidays. Holidays are Communist plots to destroy America. )} If I say it's Christmas will you get me some whiskey to put in my egg nog? )} "The Great Train Robbery." What did you expect? ")}Pollyanna"? I'm trying to remem)}ber the last time I went to one. Tell me, is "Birth of a Nation" still playing? )} "Cheaper by the Dozen." Next question. )} "Millionaire" candy. )} TV dinners are all I can afford. )} Besides, I like zapping things in my microwave. One of these days I'm going to get Nervis's cat and... "Gho)}st-Busters" cereal. I could use a bowl right now. )} Are you bonkers? What would we do? Sit around and eat prunes together? )} You have a very bizarre sense of humor. )} Did she say we are? No )}wonder she's been taking all those vitamins. )} None of your bee's wax. )} I don't know. She never would tell me. )} Okay, so I'm not the most lovable guy in t*}he world. Give me a break. I mean, is this on national TV? Of course*} not. It was even more rotten than yours was. What's your excuse? *} I was never a child. *} Isn't happiness a relative thing? Aren't we all grasping f*}or a little joy in this life? I remember grasping for Joy once. She hit me. Good idea. Why not? I'd hav*}e a balanced budget within a month. No more foreign aid, no more government handouts. I'd run a tight ship. *} Of what? The Scrooge McDuck Fan Club? What kind of question is that? Ask me what I think about the Federal Reserve *} and I'll tell you. Moi? *} I try not to. * } As long as the* }y belong to somebody else and they stay the heck away from me, I think they're only mildly annoying. * } I'll take a kid to lunch if I can find that two-for-one hamburger coupon I got in the mail. * } You've got to be kidding. Life is one long road to bankruptcy of th* }e spirit and the pocketbook - if you look at things from the bright side. You'd better go ask the Japanese t*}hat one. They've got all the answers and all the money. *} I don't have the foggiest idea, but if I'm going to get out of here alive I'd better come up with something fast. *} Screwg hurtled through the Golden Gate into black space. A gray form appeared *}and nodded slowly. It placed a large sack of gold into Screwg's outstretched arms. The weight of the gold felt stro*}ng and hard and heavy. He clasped it to his breast, giving himself its strength and weight. And he began to fall, h*}ead over heels. He heard harsh music and saw hands reaching out, asking him to dance. But his hands were full.*} He heard a cry and saw hands reaching out for help. But his hands were full. The weight of the gold pulled him*} faster and faster, hurling him through dark space until the gray earth met his body and broke it. *} The doctors could not explain the destruction of the body of the old man *} in his bed. The obituary was very impressive. *} The End Screwg gasped as he was thrown through the Silver Gate. In the distance *}he heard a tiny cry, a baby's cry. Screwg hung on the sound as the one sense, the one meaning left to him. It was be*}autiful. Then another cry was heard from another place, this one born in pain. The third cry was of anguish, the fou*}rth of fury. The cries multiplied, coming closer and screaming in his mind until he feared his skull would exlode. *} "Stop!" He screamed, and the cries diminished. But then they be*}gan again, growning louder and louder. And they did not stop until he screamed again. *} Later, in the rest home, he tried to explain to the doctors that his *} screaming was the only way to stop the crying. They always shook their heads, stuck their fingers in their ears* }, and locked the sound proof door after they left. The TV flickered silently in the corner of the well- appointed*!} cell night and day. The End Screwg felt*"} himself thrown through the Pearly Gate into warm clouds. Slowly, in the misty distance, he saw a small hand reach *#}out to him. A child's hand. He reached out and took it into his own. It was warm and soft. An old man's hand*$}, calloused and scarred, held his in trust. Others appeared, open to him, offering or asking. Screwg reached ou*%}t to every one, growing more excited with each touch. He began to smile and then laugh, and giggled to find *&} himself clapping his own hands together. *'} "Tune in again tomorrow for another episode of 'The Choice is Yours,' the show where everybody plays, and ever*(}ybody wins, and all must have prizes! A new coat for Ms. Nervis! Homes for the homeless, food for the starving,*)} shoes for...the shoeless! 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