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MENU 86-D6-BP6-@@T RqF6.< tHE } by Vincent Minchillo R6-B^6-@`b n@4q$U3+6-?:<@<@}<<,03$&uoo0,1,2,3,4,6,7,8,10,12,720,559,255,764,4000,4100,21000,6000,22000,1000,2000,30984,14000,80,23264,3000,5000}(u7000,91000uVV2160,736,3647,720,971,1427,251,456,203,1630,2361,2777,731,416,447,3224,3297,3416:uss73,119,231,4396,720},1505,2009,444,504,246,2255,2729,3109,474,380,246,3355,3878,4067,523,189,329,1164,341,3737Dull720,1272,1534,552,262,227,176}1,2055,2374,294,319,417,2791,3052,3358,91,306,379,2882,50,2932,81,3013,39Nuoo3157,400,31144,400,865,1328,465,463,477,1805,2}213,2684,408,471,473,1019,400,31144,120,400,31264,520,526,6Xuoo180,706,821,115,61,882,965,83,54,2040,120,31264,120,147,27,2}6,173,193,20,73,266,101,120,31264,367,487,138bujj625,685,60,86,771,786,15,139,80,31264,925,1005,203,1208,1235,27,200,1435,1}439,1481,4,42,247,1728,225lu1953,77,2030,10D:MEETPRES.BAS The Office of the President of the United ,1435,1v>>ww6vvvv>p>~fn;wg68of;8p88pf<sw{s><>n~~p||80 0 ~~`0 0`>!!}o>swwp>>{{{{~{{~{~>xxxx?~{{{{~xx~xxx~xx?xx{{?{{{{{>>o>{{{~{{<<<<{{{{>~{{~xx>oool?~{{{~{>x~?~<<<<<{{{{{>{{{{>cwcs>>s{{??8pp8?!$}ww<~~~<x`x`~<~~p~sss>>ppp??ggg>>sp>8888>gg?p~ssss8888|psv|vs88888c!&}wss>ssss>sss>>sss~p>ggg?>sppp

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>ssss>sss6sswcss>ssggg??8<~~< x`%)}6`ff>f6pf<<~ ~<~<< 0<<|f~f`cf<|<|<~ffcff~@x```8%*}~p<x<0 f`l8< f8f ``ff~ff``f|<|>|>~ff%+}cff~<x88w~`~~~ff<8~~n <|| <>0 nf|`f||`~x`~ffff<ffk<<06~|`>f>f|8lfffff`%,}ffk8w~~~0 f0o<0v lffnff`f``nfx`k~f|f|ff<0c~>f`f~ffxfff%-}f`<fff~n8p?~<|ff8f`f0f~ff0f  ~0`~ffl``fffl`cnf`llfflk%.}ff|>`f<><>0f<fF;p@<~~< <<0<8`>f|f~|<><f<%/}f6f ~<00|%0}<`x00|$ The Office of the President of the United States. Arguably the most powerful position on the face of the eart)2}h. The person holding this office has the freedom and power to do virtually anything, anytime, anywhere.)3} So why in the world would we make fun of someone who could vaporize our offices or audit our taxes back to )4}the early 50's? Why not? Our tax records only go back one year. Do you think Pravda would do a parody of a Go)5}rbachev press conference? Not unless they wanted to relocate to Siberia. )6} With our freedom to taunt high level government officials rooted in a solid tradition of Rickleto)7}nian diplomacy, we bring you the opportun- ity to run your very own Presidential press conference. You are an )8} integral part of the President's entourage: the Press Secretary. Okay, so you're not exactly the key- )9} stone, but you are more important than the Master of Protocol, okay? The press has submitted their ques):}tions to you and now you are responsible for passing them on to the President and First Lady. );} Select the number of the question you wish the Presidential Couple to field and they)<}'ll respond according- ly. And just as in real life, ask the same question at another time and you may get a diffe)=}rent answer. Also, at the end of the formal press conference you'll be able to ask a couple of questions of y)>}our own. Without further ado I give you the President and First Lady of t)?}he United States, Ronald and Nancy. )@} (NOTE: You will be able to choose only ONE question per screen.) )A} )B} Let me start by saying that I like the press. Hey, I used to be one of you, y'know. I us)C}ed to call football games back in the good old days. So, let me speak honestly. I'm going to take a pointer from a predeces)D}sor of mine, Dick Nixon, and be totally honest with you people. I think you've made too much of these South African and Nica)E}raguan things. Just leave it to the professionals. I know what you're saying, it's the professionals that got me into troub)F}le in the first place. Well, let me tell you, I never wanted that Don Regan anyway, but as you know, Bonzo had passed on. A)G}nd I'll tell you, John Wayne would have made a helluva Secretary of Defense, don't you think? Well, enough happy talk, let's )H}have a few questions. QUESTION #1 )I} Nancy, we've heard what your husband thinks about the tax bill he signed. What do you think? )J} QUESTION #2 Mr. President, once and for all, )K} please tell the American people everything you know about the Iran-Contra scandal. )L} QUESTION #3 Ma'am, how's the fabled White House chi)M}na holding up? You signe)N}d a tax bill? How could you do that without asking me? I thought our agreement was that we would split all the bills 50/50?)O} How much was it anyway? Is there enough in the checking account to cover it? Ron, what am I going to do with you?I think )P}an overhaul was long overdue. Oh, those tax forms are so dreary! "Take the figure from Line 4, add it to the figure on Line)Q} 5 and write the result on Line 6." Boring, boring, boring. All those columns and tiny little words. I'm going to redo the)R} whole thing. If you owe us any money you'll fill out the chartreuse form, if you're getting some back fill out the mauve on)S}e. I promise you that taxation will be so much more stylish from now on.Tax? Oh yes, tax. That's the extra money I have to)T} pay when I buy things. Right? Well, there's one thing I know for sure and that's tax can't be too terribly important. Aft)U}er all, it's not included.I really don't approve of you press people confusing the issue by calling this thing a "scandal." )V}Back where I come from, if you take a bunch of junk and sell it for $12 million it's called making yourself a pretty darn goo)W}d deal ..... And about this Swiss bank account thing, it makes perfect fiscal sense: they didn't have a service charge. And )X}they offered free money transfers. To anywhere in the world. ..... Besides, no one really has anything to show for all this. )Y} The Iranians blew up all the stuff we sold them and the Contras went out and bought junk like food and clothes and there you)Z} go, $12 million down the drain. Except when we opened the Swiss bank account we did get a toaster-oven. A very nice one, i)[}n fact.All I know is what I read in the papers, and the papers say that someone's been operating from the basement of the Whi)\}te House. So, I sent a crack squad of investigators down there. They didn't find a thing. No desk, no phone, nothing. No o)]}ne's been down there in years. And no wonder, you should see that basement! I don't think Jimmy Carter cleaned it out once.)^} There's still a bunch of LBJ stuff down there.Everyone's so steamed because we sold some stuff to the Iranians when we're r)_}eally backing the Iraqis. So what did we do for the Iraqis, you ask? For starters we beamed the Super Bowl over there. The)`}n we shipped them a bunch of gift certificates for free Big Macs. And don't forget about the complimentary memberships in th)a}e Columbia Compact Disc Club. All the Iranians got from us were guns and ammo. Now who do YOU think got the best deal?If yo)b}u thought the china was something, wait till you see the Tupperware.It's fine, why do you ask? We don't actually use it. St)c}yrofoam can be so versatile you know and, oh my, so practical.The White House china is holding up marvelously, thank you. An)d}d such an improvement, let me tell you. You should have seen the stuff that was here when we moved in. It was left over fro)e}m LBJ, I had it taken down to the basement. QUESTION #4 M)f}r. President, our relationship with the Russians has severely deteriorated in the last few years, what d)g}o you intend to do about it? QUESTION #5 SDI, or Sta)q}2B%DOS SYSB*)DUP SYSBSAUTORUN SYSB UMENU B'_DAGSHOW BASB+DAGANI CMPB+DAGSHOW CMPBCMEETPRESBASB CHAR TXTB (STD CHRB1NUFIC TXTB9NUFIC1 CMPBNUFIC2 CMPB(8NUFIC3 CMPB>`NUFIC4 PICr Wars, has contributed a great deal to our problems with the Russians. Are there any plans to scrap it or are )r}we going ahead? QUESTION #6 Your "Say No to Drugs)s}" campaign seems to be going quite well, Nancy. What's next? )t} Well, I'm glad you asked. Maybe I should have saved this for another news conference, but why not bring it out )u}right here? I've decided to take a bold step forward and take our negotiations down to a baser level where we can settle thi)v}ngs once and for all. Here, officially, I challenge Mikhail Gorbachev to a game of one-on-one basketball. Make it, take it.)w} First one to 21 points gets control of every nuclear device in the entire world.And in the spirit of worldwide challenge, I)x} challenge Mrs. Gorbachev to three rounds of full contact karate. Scoring on the three point must system with no saves by th)y}e bell. The winner gets to compete with Maggie Thatcher for the sole right to set fashion trends for terribly successful and )z}wealthy middle-aged women for the next 20 years.You press people are always saying that I blame things on you. Well, this ti){}me you're getting a break. One of the main reasons the Russians are mad is because of ABC-TV. Not the news department, but t)|}he mini-series department. Think about it. Last year on "The Day After" ABC shows the Russians blowing up a nice little tow)}}n in Kansas and this year they've got the Russians occupying Indiana in "Amerika." Needless to say, the Russians aren't real)~} popular in America's heartland. I'd be upset, too.Now I'd have to say that's an exaggeration on behalf of the press. You'r)}e right, Gorbachev and I haven't talked for a while. But I've been really busy and, well, I've been meaning to call. I'm su)}re my friend, Mikhail, would say the same thing.Yes, we're going ahead with the SDI Star Wars Defense Program, but most peopl)}e are gravely misinformed about it. Sure it defends us against the Russians now, but what about the future? What about the )}force? It does exist, George Lucas told me so. And George wouldn't lie. So we're getting ready now. The Air Force wants t)}he guns that Luke Skywalker used that never ever run out of ammo. And Sperry Rand is working around the clock to perfect a f)}unctional light saber.How much are we spending on this thing? About a zillion billion dollars, right? And where would it be)} going if it weren't going to SDI? We'd be spending it on highways, feeding the poor, pollution control and things like that)}. Bor-ring. For the same money we can build huge particle beam cannons and float them in low level orbit. It's like a gian)}t erector set, only better.I can say we are definitely going ahead, but I still don't like that term "Star Wars." So, I've c)}ome up with a brand new name. It's still SDI, only now it stands for Super Duper Investment. That ought to help the image a)} lot. Don't you agree?We are making headway on some of the major fronts, but I have just been presented some new statistics )}which I find quite alarming. Americans take millions of aspirin tablets every day. Billions every year. And as you well kn)}ow, aspirin is not very nice to your stomach. Sure, it may help your headache today, but just sit down and think about the c)}onsequences you'll have to face tomorrow. A sour stomach is one of the early signs of addiction. Don't think it can't happe)}n to you. Tylenol helps, but it isn't a cure.I've got an album in the works. I'm doing some videos, I'm even thinking about )}another movie. I've been asked to play Rocky's mom and the Kennedy Center wants me to play Ophelia in Hamlet.Next, I'm doing)} a video cassette. "Nap With Nancy" is the name. I'll have the complete step by step procedure for effective, restful nappi)}ng. What to eat, where to go, what to bring, what to wear, how long to nap. It's going to be a big help to everyone and wil)}l be available at your book or video store soon. Happy napping! )} QUESTION #7 Once and for all, sir, ex)}plain how we got involved in Grenada. QUESTION #8 )} What do you and the President do for fun? )} QUESTION #9 Sir, who's your pick for the Republican nomination for '88? )} )} The reason we originally went in there was actually because of a funny misunderstanding. I)} heard about this place being taken over and I knew there were American medical students involved who could be in danger. Bu)}t, now here's the funny part, I thought they meant "Nevada," not "Grenada." I mean, seriously, why on earth would I spend mi)}llions of dollars and risk thousands of lives to rescue medical students who are halfway around the world? If they couldn't )}get into a decent medical school how did they think they were going to make it anyway?You say Grenayda, I say Grenahda, let's)} call the whole thing off. Hee-hee. But seriously, Grenada. I had one once, had nothing but trouble with it. First it was)} the transmission, then it was the heater. I'll never get involved with anything like that again.That was one of old Cappy W)}einberger's deals. When he started that I said, "Hey, Cappy, let's go play some golf." He said, "Can't do, Ron. Invading a)}n island this afternoon." I thought he was kidding, but I guess he wasn't.We do what everyone else does. We watch TV. Espe)}cially "The Cosby Show" and "Family Ties" and, of course, we watch "Moonlighting." You know, that show reminds me of Ron and)} I. Ron just loves to limbo dance. Of course, not so much since the surgery. Ron dear, how low can you go these days?Belly )}dancing. I've been belly dancing for over 40 years. First I did it on a dare, then I started to really enjoy it. Of course)}, it took a little doing to get Ronnie to pick it up, but now you should see him go. And he looks so adorable with a little )}ruby in his navel and tiny cymbals on his fingers. Ha-cha-cha!Well, now maybe I shouldn't tell this story, but what the heck)}. Sometimes we lock ourselves in the Oval Office and play a little game we call "King and Queen." Ronnie, the king, will sa)}y, "Bring me Donald Regan" and I'll scream "Off with his head!" Then we print up some money with our pictures on it, stock t)}he moat with IRS auditors and call it a night. Good honest fun, we recommend it to anyone. Right, dear?Naturally I assume t)}hey're going to nominate me and then I'll go on to serve a second term.But dear, you're already serving your second term.Ah, )}well, then I guess I'll go on to a third term, if that's okay with you, dear.I guess so, you know how I hate moving.George Bu)}sh looks good. Bob Dole is strong. Pat Robertson would be unique. But I'd have to say my personal favorite is Johnny Carso)}n. After all, he's got the routine down. Work a couple of days, take a few off. Say things other people write for you and p)}al around with Ed McMahon. Johnny's a natural.He's kind of a dark horse, but I really think he's got a shot. I'm talking ab)}out Fritz Mondale. The Republicans are looking for someone who knows how to keep quiet and follow simple instructions from s)}ubordinates. We're not looking for initiative and we're not looking for any big ideas. Besides, Fritz makes a darn funny car)}toon and that really is a legitimate consideration. QUESTION #10 Sir, you've had your problems wit)}h the press. Why is it that you blame so many things on us? )} QUESTION #11 "Tip" O'Neill has retired from politics. In his place as Speaker of the)} House is Jim Wright. How do you feel about all this? That's true, I have had my problems with the pres)}s. Especially with the Washington Post. I keep telling that kid I want the paper on the porch. Not in the bushes, not on t)}he roof. Last Sunday I got the paper, out of the bushes as usual, and there were no comics. That threw off my whole day. I)} had my tea, my toast, but no comics! How was I supposed to know what was going on? So naturally, I blamed everything that )}happened that day on the Washington Post.Let me be completely up front with you people. You're all so, well, blameable! I c)}an't help but blame things on you. You sit out there in your cheap suits with your upset stomachs and dull pencils. You're )}absolutely pathetic. You make the perfect scapegoats. And what are you going to do if someone abuses you? Spell his name w)}rong? Let me ask you a question: who do you abuse when you need a release? The mailman? A school crossing guard? Ah ha ha)} ha!Let me first apologize for blaming so many things on you folks. In my mind I know you didn't have anything to do with my)} ingrown toenail. And you really can't be to blame for my running out of deodorant with only one underarm done. And how cou)}ld I possibly hold you responsible for that hole in my sock? How could you have known I was going to cut myself shaving this)} morning? But I blamed all that stuff on you anyway. Did you think I was going to take the blame myself?Tip and I are reall)}y good friends and I'll miss him. We used to go fishing all the time. He's such a colorful man. He'd use those quaint Mass)}achusetts expressions like, "Hey, you lazy bum, fish or cut bait!" and "How'd a goofball like you get to be President?" And )}then I'd use one of my quaint Californian expressions, "Whatever you say I veto, so there." Even today, we still have a nice)} relationship.Old Tip. The classic big Irish bruiser. The broad shoulders, the red nose. Now we have Jim Wright, the smoot)}h-talking Texan with the furry eyebrows. What are we going to do with this guy? I invited him up to the White House and all)} he talked about was Texas. We ate chili, we told gigantic lies, he made me pronounce "Sesquicentennial." I even had to tak)}e him downstairs and show him the junk LBJ left in my basement. I don't know if this guy's going to work out.This is not a m)}atter to be taken lightly. The Speaker of the House is the single most powerful person in the legislative branch of governme)}nt. Without a strong person in that position a President could jam anything he wants right down Congress' throat. In fact h)}e could get just about anything passed. Raise the speed limit? Sure. Turn Lebanon into a nuclear testing site? Okay. Mak)}e Toyotas illegal? Why not? Come to think of it, these ideas aren't all that bad. Now that the Press has had a chance t)}o "grill" the President, it's your turn. Select the question you'd like to ask and fill in the appropriate blank )}(25 characters maximum) and press the RETURN key. )} What's your first name? QUESTION #12 )} What's the official U.S. position on Well, , I am waiting f)}or a report on that very subject, but I hate to speculate on it now. As you know I always hesitate to speculate. I own som)}e savings bonds, but I never speculate.Let me say this about that. Oh sorry, that's someone else's script. Okay, here we go)}. I'm not really briefed on . But I'll get on it right away. I'll call you later, okay?, that is something I feel very str)}ongly about. However, there is no reference to in my script. I must've lost a page. Next question. QUESTION #13 )} Ron, what is your favorite , I couldn't pick just one .)} I like them all so much.Ah yes, my favorite . I have so many fond memories about that. If only I could remember them., let m)}e tell you once and for all. No matter what the circumstances, I never play favorites. Never. QUESTION #14 )} Mr. President, what are your feelings on Feelings, ho-whoa-whoa feeeellll-iii)}iinnnnnggs, again in my life. Hey, you're a beautiful audience, thank you, thank you. Next question.I'm afraid my feelings )}are strictly confidential. In fact, , they're so confidential I have to wait 24 hours before they are even revealed to me.My)} feelings on are very definite. I always try to see everything in black and white. Everything looks better in black and wh)}ite. Especially my movies. QUESTION #15 Tell me about Now that's an inte)}resting subject. We've been spending millions on that. Of course we don't have the report back yet. Or if we do I don't ha)}ve it. I haven't seen it. Really. Honest. I don't like to talk about . Number one, I don't understand it a)}nd, number two, I can barely pronounce it. And if I can't pronounce it effectively on television, it's stricken from the age)}nda. End of subject. Now , we don't really have time to talk about . That's a story involving excruciating d)}etail that could take hours to tell and need weeks of complicated analysis to properly examine. Then George Will and Sam Don)}aldson would have to argue about it and then...what were we talking about again?Well, that's it. The First Lady and I won't )}be able to take anymore questions this afternoon. Thank you all very much ..... C'mon, Nancy, let's go have some milk and co)}okies. 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